Original subtitles

[Background chatter]

You here? Movie's starting!!!

[Phone buzzing] In cab.

Where are you? All the fresh popcorn gone.

It's kernel city.

I'm in the crowd;

You probably can't see me, but I'm here.

Where?

That's it. I'm leaving.

Sweetheart, where have you been?

I've been waiting here this whole time!

- Let's go in. - No, no, no, no, no.

It's The Godfather II, the movie that raised me.

If I'm not in my seat before the trivia game,

the whole film-going experience is ruined for me, it's ruined.

Baby, what are you talking about?

The whole film-going experience is checking your phone,

people watching,

and over-the-pants make-out. Honk!

Hey, don't do that here. Yeah, it was cool.

All right, let's go, come on.

Hey, can we get two tickets, one adult and one child?

I'm sorry, we're sold out.

(Both) What?

You've been here for an hour, and you didn't buy tickets?

(Danny) When's it playing next? Tomorrow at noon.

Tomorrow at noon. Let's get out of here.

How could anyone want to see this movie?

I've never even heard of it. Okay, okay.

You've never heard of the godfather?

[Dance music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/

Hey.

Huh, according to my genuine quartz accuracy,

you're late.

- What? - You're late.

I'm not late.

It's 9:18, which is practically 9:15,

which is basically 9:00. Danny, if anything, I'm early.

Mindy, we've been dating for seven months,

and you're never on time for anything.

Okay, occasionally being late

is just part of my spontaneous and fun deal, Danny.

You have to take the bad with the good.

Why can't I just take the good with the good,

like you get with me?

What are you talking about? I have to go to church with you

every sunday. I'm not even catholic.

Sweetheart, don't be mad.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Good morning. - Good morning.

[Knocking at the door]

Dr. Castellano, do you have a moment?

Dr. Fishman, yes, of course!

Oh, boy, pardon me for the mess. I feel really...

I'll move that.

Embarrassed.

Just kidding. Real neatnik.

Okay. You want me to call the others?

I'll just get 'em in here. No, actually,

- I just want to talk to you. - Okay.

There's a new mental health seminar that I'm starting

for at-risk hospital personnel. Boom.

I think you could benefit by having an outlet

for your uncomfortable feelings.

Wait a minute, my mental health is perfect, okay?

And I do have an outlet. His name's father Francis,

he's 97, and he only speaks Latin.

Stop it. The last time I saw you,

you threatened to kill yourself

because your girlfriend kissed someone else.

How are you and Dr. Lahiri doing?

You know, I'm worried about the two of you.

Oh, no, no, the only thing you need to worry about

is that I might murder her, but other than that...

That was a joke. I was joking.

She's been late a lot recently.

You know what, don't worry about it.

Thank you for the brochure.

I'm gonna take a look at it right now.

No, don't take a look at it. Read it.

I'm gonna... yeah, I'm gonna read it, of course.

Thank you so much, Dr. Fishman.

[Knocking at the door]

Hey, Dr. "P." You're mad lonely, right?

Oh, yeah. Why?

I want to set you up I want to set you up

- Hey! - Up

[laughter]

With my best friend Abby.

Oh, cool. So what's wrong with her?

She's been looking for a strong-ass man,

but is now lowering her standards,

and I think you'd be perfect.

We're like twins.

Twins, huh? Okay.

I gotta hit the gym, man, steal me some soap.

Yeah!

[Laughter]

Evening.

My boyfriend, Daniel Castellano,

made a reservation for "LaffAboutIt:"

A night of New York's best Italian-American comedy.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, great.

My ma's cooking's so bad, I beg the dog for his scraps.

[Laughter]

Well, well, looks like I beat you here.

Oh, no, look, look, J.Lo's texting during my set?

Hey, J.Lo's, who you texting, "Ben Afflecks"?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Actually, sir, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck

broke up years ago.

Oh, well, good for her!

[Laughter]

I'll tell you something else...

[Phone buzzing] What time is it?

8.

No, it's 8:10.

I got tired of waiting so I left.

Haha. LOL. Hilarious.

- No joke. Have fun. - You son of a b...

What could be more compelling than my set?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Oh, she's fighting with her boyfriend, everybody!

[Audience oohs] Okay...

Oh, and he ditched her for being chronically late.

Oh!

Maybe she should...

Take a hike! Yeah!

(All) Take a hike!

Take a hike! Take a hike!

Take a hike!

You know what? Do you know what?

I will leave. But I will never hike.

- [Thwack] - Ahh!

Take a hike! Take a hike!

Hello, hello, hello.

Have any beautiful women of color checked in tonight?

Mm-mmm.

Blind date, huh?

Uh, yeah. I'm a little nervous.

[Giggles] What's your date's name?

Abby.

My name is Abby.

Oh, the Abby that I'm meeting is actually, like,

really tall, gorgeous,

and, for lack of a better word, African-American.

Oh. Well, I'm meeting a doctor

who looks like meatloaf.

- Oh. - Or it might have been

"a meatloaf." I'm not sure.

My friend Tamra wasn't really clear.

Tamra, huh?

Well, uh, what do you do?

Oh, I write historical romance novels.

- Oh, that's cool. - Yeah.

- I love to read. - Oh.

Well, you should give romance novels a try.

- Mm. - And it's basically pornography

you're allowed to read on the subway, so...

Oh, dang it! Getting a text.

Looks like a patient's going into labor,

and there's no father,

so the taxi cab driver is kind of the surrogate now,

so I feel like I should...

I'm sorry, are you describing look who's talking?

Oh, it's similar.

This is why you don't want to date me, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, it's good to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah.

Unbelievable. 9:13.

Even after last night you're still late?

I'm giving you the silent treatment, by the way.

That's why I walked right by you and didn't respond.

Hey, hey, no one silent-treatments me.

Oh, good, good, everyone's in here.

- I was worried we'd have - A private conversation for once.

You're welcome, Dr. "Q."

Is it a conversation, Danny? 'Cause it feels

a lot more like a lecture, and not the good kind

where I end up stalking the professor at the end.

- All I'm saying is, - You're never late for a delivery

or a hospital emergency, but a movie?

A movie? And suddenly,

it's like I asked you to cut off your arm

or throw away your own trash.

Because delivering a baby into this world is as important

as meeting my boyfriend for a stupid movie.

You and I do the same job. I get everywhere on time.

Yeah, 'cause you're a guy.

I can't just deliver a baby,

throw some talc on my private parts,

and be somewhere three minutes later.

I got to shower, my friend.

I got to shave this hot body from my ankles to my eyebrows.

Also, I have to highlight and contour everything

just so that you'll have sex with me.

I'm basically C.G.I.

Right, and you're forgetting the most important part,

Dr. "L," C.P.T.

Thank you, Tamra, that's right. Colored people time.

Whoa, no, no, no. (All) No.

- What, no? - No, no, no.

I meant C.P.T., caramel princess time.

When you're as cute as we are, people wait for you.

I want to believe you.

It does sound like a huge load of crap.

I'm not saying, "no," I just need you to continue explaining.

No, this is all nonsense, okay? There's no C.P.T.

You're either on time or you're late.

- Ooh! - Maybe if you were late just once,

you would realize it wasn't a big deal.

Oh, yeah, well, that's never gonna happen, sweetheart.

I'm never gonna be late.

[Clicks tongue] Watch and learn.

Hmm.

(Tamra) We need to talk to you!

(Peter) Ow... hey!

Get on in there with your stupid messenger bag!

Hey, take it easy.

Shameful. Dude, how could you ditch Abby, man?

She's the complete package: Head, shoulders, knees, toes,

knees and toes... She's got it all.

I'm sorry, I was just expecting someone...

Who's more of a match physically.

A match physically? You said twins.

Who do you think you are? What'd you think,

Natalie Portman's sitting in her castle,

like, "oh, I wonder if there are any schlubs out there

who wear a bathing suit as underwear?"

Natalie Portman would throw up if she saw you.

You need to go apologize to Abby.

She'll be at the book store tomorrow.

What are you gonna be doing, eating pretzels off the floor?

Yeah, I saw it.

Fine, I'll go!

[Snoring]

[Whispering] Psst. Danny, are you awake?

- [Snoring] - Hey, Danny,

I think Rudy Giuliani's a clown.

[Snoring]

Good night, sweet prince. Honk!

[Snorts]

Hey, Min.

- Hey! - Hey.

What's going on? You're up early, wow.

Why don't you come upstairs?

My little early bird can get the worm.

Oh. That's a super sexy offer,

but it's 8:40.

Aren't you worried about being late to work?

8:40? What are you talking about?

- Yeah. - No, no, it's 7:40.

Oh, really?

You tinkered with my digital. Why would you do that?

Why would you do that to me? Betrayal!

Oh, boo-hoo. You know what betrayal was?

When you ditched me at that comedy club.

That guy told me to take a hike. The audience loved it.

Now, he wants me to go on tour with him.

Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll just tell everyone at work

that you're running late. Bye, my love.

Step on it!

Open the door. Take off, take off.

Open... Don't take off.

Taxi! Taxi!

I'm not gonna be late. I'm not...

So I have to apologize to a girl,

which is something I've literally never done before.

- Mm-hmm. - Is Danny in?

Oh, Danny. Danny is not in,

because everyone, I have an announcement.

Danny Castellano will be late.

I made it! I made it!

Danny Castellano is on time!

- What... - 8:59, I made it!

In your face, Lahiri!

- Honk! - Ah!

Can't make me late.

Take a hike. Boom!

- Oh! - Take another one, boom!

- Boom, boom! - Oh!

Take a hike. Boom!

Morgan, take a hike. Boom! Boom!

Michael Jackson! Ohh!

Boom, boom, boom!

- Dr. Fishman. - [Snaps fingers]

Go talk in my office? Yeah, let's talk in my office.

Your emotional issues are out of control,

and I insist that you take that mental health seminar tomorrow.

Okay, as much as I don't want to, I also can't.

Saturdays, that's when I take my ma to run all her errands.

Well, here's the thing.

Until you complete the seminar, you are suspended

from seeing patients in my hospital.

Get into that.

[Sighs] I'd rather not get into that.

Well, take the course at your leisure,

whenever you find time to fit it into your busy schedule.

Hmm? It takes place in this building.

In this building? Who administers the course?

Only the most kind, dynamic, spiritual man I know.

Oh, no.

I've longed for this day, Daniel,

the day I can finally fix you.

(Mindy) Hey, babe.

You.

I can't even look at you.

Deslaurier hugged me on the way out,

and I accidentally kissed him on the ear.

Oh, God. Danny, I'm so sorry.

This can't be worse than the time

that I shredded your passport for confetti, is it?

Oh, yeah, it's much worse, okay?

I'm supposed to take ma to all her appointments on Saturday.

Without me, she won't go.

A parent of divorce needs routine, Mindy,

- they need routine. - I know.

- [Sighs] - Well...

You were just running errands

and she was gonna get her hair done, right?

- Yeah. - I could take her.

I love beauty shops. Please.

Please let me make it up to you, Danny, I feel so bad.

You literally have no other options.

(Peter) Whoa.

What, is the dude that wrote Harry Potter here?

No. We're here for Abby Berman.

Berman.

(Abby's voice) "Savannah unbuttoned Edmund's uniform trousers.

"'Edmund Larouge!

'I do believe we can take Maryland with this saber.'"

this is good.

"'He don't deserve a burial.

"He's a Yankee, ' Savannah hissed.

"Edmund shook his head. 'He may have been a Yankee,

but he was still a man.'"

damn.

Hey, you gonna buy that?

Oh, Abby, your book is so good.

Yeah, I know.

Did you come here to tell me that?

Actually, I-I came here to apologize,

but I've been reading your book, and you have all these fans,

and I don't want to apologize. I'd like to go out again.

You ditched me because you didn't like the way I looked.

- [Women gasp] - I know.

- [Stammers] - Listen,

you're a jerk.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, you're right about that.

Paul?

Hey.

How'd you get dragged out of

the blood lab for this?

I'll tell you when I figure it out.

Nowadays, you fart too loud and you got to go to counseling.

Yeah, tell me about it, brother.

All right, everyone. Oh, Daniel.

Let's get started.

Thank you, welcome, and of course, namaste.

I am overjoyed that you've decided

to share your time with me today.

Oh, I didn't realize we had a choice.

Well, we always have a choice, Daniel.

Does that follow?

Yeah, Danny, does that follow?

That's humorous, gentlemen. Paul, would you care to share

the choice that resulted in your attendance here today?

Yeah, I got nothing to hide.

I've been stealing blood from the hospital

for my own personal use.

Wait, what?

Okay, you think that's bad?

My female boss is in love with me.

Oh, Morgan, what the hell are you doing here?

Also, I'm addicted to cookies.

My name's Morgan.

Daniel, are you feeling safe enough

to share why you're here today?

Wait, what? No.

No, I'm not feeling safe enough.

Don't lump me in with these freaks, okay?

I'm a normal. Pass.

Well, you're free to go anytime.

I won't stand in your way.

All right, see you later, Paul.

I am, however, going to give you an incomplete

and recommend further mental evaluation.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Namaste.

(Mindy) Hey, Annette, you need any help in there?

Help? How old do you think I am?

We're not that different in age, you know.

Um, you are the oldest person I know's mother,

so that's obviously not true. Okay.

All right, you know, just take your time.

Ah, hello, Dot.

It's so nice that you can join us on our errands.

I could drive us if they hadn't taken my license away.

I ran over my neighbor's basset hound, big whoop.

Call me when it's a person.

Okay, well...

God, I don't know why Danny gave us an hour

to get to the hair salon. It's only five minutes away.

[Gasps] Oh, my goodness!

Dot, will you look at us! Twins!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

What are the chances of that happening?

Yes, that is remarkable.

Hey, we should head out. Come on.

Oh, no, Mindy, take a picture.

- Oh, yeah! - You got to capture this

and email it to me,

and then print out the email and hand it to me.

Yeah. Yeah, let's do it, okay.

Ready.

One, two, three.

(Both) Cheese!

Got it. Let's go, come on, guys.

Oh, no, I got to go change.

[Both murmuring]

Wha... oh, you're gonna chance, okay.

Please look into your partner's eyes

and repeat after me. "I support you."

I support you.

- No way. - Brendan, he's not doing it.

Daniel, I've given you a pass so far,

but your participation is now required

for the class to continue.

Fine, whatever. I support him.

Think I'm cured.

Okay, now, "I love and care for you."

I want to make love and care for you.

Okay, come on!

Brendan, he's not helping me.

You want to switch partners? My lady hates me.

- No. - Look...

[Sighs]

I love and care for you.

Thank you. I felt nothing.

Because I didn't mean it, okay? I didn't mean it.

You're weird, okay? You're weird, Morgan.

The whole thing is weird. You wanna stop acting crazy?

Eat lean protein and exercise ten times a week

like a normal person!

Okay, I can see now that this sort of group therapy

is too basic for someone as closed-off as you.

I'm gonna work on you now, one-on-one.

(Mindy) All right, you got your hair done.

It's mammogram time, even though we are an hour late.

- [Sighs] - Come on, come on.

And I don't even know how I feel

about this hairstyle that you made me get.

This is the only time you ever looked pretty.

Mindy, you're late.

[Whispering] I can't see her.

Carolyn, I am so sorry, but you have to understand.

It took them forever to leave the house.

Then we went to the hair salon.

They made me get this Dixie Carter hairstyle.

The point is, this woman needs to get a mammogram.

I promised my boyfriend. Please.

I'd love to, but I'm on my way to cardio barre.

Are you kidding me with this, Carolyn?

I picked you up off the floor of that conference

after you had a thousand margaritas.

[Whispering] You are not gonna

play that card! I will play that card.

Oh, my God. Fine, I'll do it.

Thank you.

Hey, how's Dr. Prentice? He never called.

Peter? Oh, God.

Okay, well, you dodged a bullet with that one.

Thank you. I'm sorry that I had to

- blackmail you. - Whatever.

Well, you just witnessed the classic Mindy Lahiri charm.

That's how I got my freshman year R.A.

To kiss me, even though he was gay, so...

Well, we've just been talking, and I don't want to go anymore.

It's too late and I'm too tired.

Excuse me?

I heard that mammogram machines actually give you cancer.

[Gasps] Oh!

That's right, I think Jenny McCarthy

said that on the view.

Oh, well, there you go. Why would she say

something like that if it wasn't true?

Hey, I'm gonna kill you guys.

I'm serious. You two bozos

are the most inconsiderate people that I have ever met!

You're late for everything,

you don't care about anybody's time but your own.

I can't believe it. I simply can't believe it.

It is appalling.

No wonder Danny is such a tight-ass.

- [Gasps] - Okay,

you're gonna go with me.

What are you doing?

Hey, look at me! You're gonna go in there,

you're gonna take your shirt off,

and you're gonna get your mammogram!

We're ready to go.

[Sobs]

[Both sob]

So, your particular episode

was the result of a fight

between you and your girlfriend, who... full disclosure, class...

I've made love to on numerous occasions.

Why did that need to be said?

And the fight started simply because she was late to...

Which particular ethnic exploitation film?

The godfather: Part ii. Right, well,

if it's not Swedish, I'm not too familiar with it.

But, who cares? She's late,

and you miss the film. What's the big deal?

It's just principle.

If you're late, it's disrespectful.

I don't buy it. Why did this

particular infraction lead you to lash out?

[Sighs] Oh, come on, Deslaurier,

I was just mad. Well, what's the big deal?

What's the worst that could happen?

My time is wasted, okay?

I'm sitting out there in the cold,

I'm embarrassed. I feel foolish.

I don't buy it.

What's the worst that could happen?

I don't know, maybe she doesn't show up at all.

Why would she not show up?

Because it's happened before.

Keep going.

[Scoffs] Fine, I...

Maybe I was supposed to go see the Ghostbusters with my dad.

He told me he was gonna take me, and maybe I just sat on my porch

and I waited for him all night long

and he never showed up. And maybe

I walked to the theater by myself

and the only tickets they had left was Amadeus.

Mm.

I was supposed to see Egon and Slimer and Ray,

and instead, I'm looking at F. Murray Abraham's face.

No kid should have to look at that thing close up.

I mean, if you love someone, if you really love someone,

why would you keep 'em waiting? Why would you keep 'em waiting!

Okay, I think there's more. Keep going.

No, that's it. That's bedrock.

No, tell me about the priest. There has to be a priest.

What priest? [Phone buzzing]

I think my problem is, I like stealing the blood.

Okay, not now, Paul.

Okay, this is ma, I gotta go.

Oh, the priest and a mother. We have hit pay dirt.

Save that for next session, but for now, I am proud of you.

(Abby) Hope, faith, and...

Peter, what are you doing here?

Hello.

I've written a story I'd like to read to you all.

It's called a Titanic mistake: A sunken romance.

Can you guess where it takes place?

The Titanic?

It's on the Titanic.

"Chapter one. Dr. Peter Prentice was

"an expert in medicine but a novice in love...

Until he met Abby." Are you hooked?

Um, just keep reading.

Okay.

"The old captain said, 'arr, have ya ever heard

"'that women are like that iceberg over there?

"'The most important part is under the surface.'

"Peter replied, stupidly: 'I say ignore it.

'We'll be fine. Crash!"

That's not historically accurate.

Hey, I'm sorry, were you there, John waters?

Maybe just skip forward a little bit.

[Whispering] I'm sorry.

And propelled by love and the dolphin

set up in chapter three... You remember the dolphin?

You remember when I set up the dolphin...

"They swam to safety. The end."

Well, that was terrible.

But I-I kind of liked it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You want to go out on another date?

Okay, sure.

Great.

You know, this was kind of fun.

I think I'll come back next week.

Oh, no. You can never return.

Okay, no problem.

Bye, new friends.

You think you outsmarted me?

I'm not going anywhere!

Hey. Who are you talking to?

I've been locked out.

The old Castellano lock-out, huh?

Yeah, I spent a lot of nights on this porch.

Hey, I need to apologize to you.

You're not some crusty old tyrant

who enjoys yelling at me.

You have to be this way, because you were raised

by a bunch of thoughtless spaghetti-heads...

- Shh. - Who have no consideration

for anyone else's time.

[Whispering] Don't say "spaghetti-head."

I'm sorry I called them spaghetti-heads.

I heard someone say it on a "Nick at night" show.

- Is it offensive? - Yes, it is,

but I-I-I appreciate it.

Okay.

I also... I think I... I sometimes...

I overreact to you being late.

Because of some stuff with my dad.

Oh.

I would like to press further for details, but I won't.

Thank you.

Anyway, I'm very sorry, and I will never be late again.

I mean, I'm gonna really try not to be.

Come here.

I like you on a Staten Island porch.

I would rather die.

We need to go inside. I have to apologize to your mom,

- and Dot, for some reason. - Okay.

I'm really liking that hair. It's doing it for me right now.

You look like my aunt.

What?

What's wrong with you spaghetti-heads?

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