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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:04,752 ("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME) 2 00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,231 Excuse me, madam.... 3 00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,591 (MACHINE BLEEPS) 4 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,232 I wondered why you wanted the housekeeping all in tens. 5 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,312 - Change machine's broke. - We've got no money as it is, 6 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,471 without pumping it into the greedy slits. 7 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,393 - Girl needs an 'obby. - Gambling's not a hobby. 8 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:18,758 I watch them. This one's not given out for three weeks. 9 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,150 Hmph! It's not the only one. 10 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,356 You've got a counsellor, talk to him. 11 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:27,149 All right! If you get two bars, should you nudge or hold? 12 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,311 Not bothered. 13 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,393 Why do you want to sit in here all day? It stinks. 14 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,596 - What's goin' on? - Oh, I get it. 15 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:39,036 Oh, 'ello, Tony. What are you doin' here? 16 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,476 - I work here. - Oh, yeah. So you do. 17 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:45,513 I told you to stay away from Crystal Tipps here. 18 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:48,194 Like I say, Charlie, a girl needs an 'obby. 19 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,791 Come on, Tony. Hold me melons while I nudge this bell. 20 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,991 (BLEEPS) 21 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:06,753 - (PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS) - Let the music wash over you. 22 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,354 - How's that volume? - Fine, thanks. 23 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:14,111 Excellent. In the beauty trade, we call this "relaxitive" music. 24 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:18,512 You can purchase the CD in reception for just £12.99. 25 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,837 - No, thank you. - Fine. 26 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,991 (MOUTHS) 27 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,038 Have you ever had a massage before? 28 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,430 Not for a while, no. 29 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,238 Right. 30 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:37,598 (HER VOICE) Your massage today will be an invigorating one... 31 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,274 ..concentrating on your neck, arms and upper body. 32 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,716 So the essential oils I've chosen for you 33 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,633 are ylang-ylang, which is a pale yellow oil 34 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,070 with an extremely sweet, exotic scent... 35 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,714 and bergamot, which has a fruity aroma 36 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,871 with a slight balsamic undertone, 37 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,110 best before Feb 2004. 38 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:08,271 How are they for you? 39 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,119 - Good. - Hmm... Fi ne. 40 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,711 Good. 41 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,318 I'll begin with long strokes down your arms and shoulders. 42 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,756 Nice and gently at first. Just try to relax. 43 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,593 - (WOMAN) You want a brew, love? - Mother, I'm busy! 44 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,309 - Don 't bite me head off! - Sorry. My cleaner. 45 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,512 Just try to relax. That's it. 46 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,196 Let me drain all the tension from your body. 47 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,518 Oh, that was lovely, thank you. 48 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,558 Thank YOU. Do come and see us again. 49 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,870 - Goodbye. - Bye-bye. 50 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,636 Charles! Charles! Look! A £3 tip. 51 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,553 Bloody 'ell! I can't believe we got away with it. 52 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,593 You are clever. You learned this in the merchant navy? 53 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,833 Yeah, but I couldn't open up a posh place like this. 54 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,230 - Who'd come? - The perfect partnership. 55 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,630 I've got the looks. You've got the brawn. 56 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,270 It's like having your hands on my body. 57 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,876 Imagine how strange and wonderful that would feel. 58 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,277 I'm a married man, Mrs Levinson. 59 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,510 Yes, of course. 60 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,115 And I must think of Eddie. 61 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,999 Let's have a toast...to Spit & Polish. 62 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,230 No, no, no. To beauty... 63 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,391 and the beast. 64 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,670 Beauty and the beast. 65 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,348 - Is Neds in? - What do you think? 66 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,557 - Can I see him? - Go on, then. 67 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,076 Hey, tell him he's got to get his prescription. 68 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,349 - Hi, Neds. - Is that Tristan? 69 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,473 - Is she nearly finished? - Nearly. 70 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,988 - It's lookin' good. - Did you get the machine gun? 71 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,995 I couldn't find one. I fitted this, though. 72 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,795 It spits out paper fasteners. 73 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,072 It should be drawing pins, but Mrs Ridley's run out. 74 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,669 She said they was quite sharp, 75 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,674 but I don't know if they'd burst a villain's tyres. 76 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,435 Anyway, she's getting some more drawing pins in. 77 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:44,469 Hey, I've not shown you this yet. Get in. Come on. 78 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,279 - (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hi. Neds. - That's good, innit? 79 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,870 - Let's solve some crime. - Wow! 80 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,276 She's alive, Tris. 81 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,352 - Maxi Power's finally alive. - Hi, Neds. 82 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,356 Mmm! Oh, that's nice. 83 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,949 (PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS) 84 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:19,153 (MRS LEVINSON) Now, ifyou turn over, I'll do your front. 85 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,720 That's it. Lovely. 86 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,356 Oh! You have lovely soft 'ands! 87 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,830 I tell you what, love. You don't do extras, do you? 88 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,793 Oh, I've embarrassed you now. 89 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,232 It's just that as you can see, I'm a bit...stimulated. 90 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,868 It'll not take long, love. 91 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,270 Shall we say £20? 92 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,668 Well, say summat. 93 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,598 Let me drain all the tension from your body. 94 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,116 Oh, cheers, love. You're a good lass. 95 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,039 As I say, it'll not take long. 96 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:16,193 Me wife's got arthritis, you see, and it's getting worse. 97 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,638 Three weeks ago, she were peeling oranges, but now... 98 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,990 I still love her and everything, you know... 99 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,790 but...me daughter's disabled... A man has needs. 100 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,151 Anyway, you better hurry up, love. 101 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,874 I'm not sure it'll last much longer. 102 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,189 Oh! That's it! 103 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,156 Steady on, love. You're not plunging a sink! 104 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,711 Oh, yes! 105 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,829 Oh...yes, indeed. Oh! 106 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,829 Oh, he's nearly there now! 107 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,995 There we go! Ooh, yes! 108 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,830 That's the ticket! 109 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,397 Oh... 110 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,670 So, feeling more relaxed now? 111 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,831 Oh, yes, thanks, love. Spot on. 112 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,076 Good. Would you like to book another session? 113 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,679 Definitely. 114 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:46,352 If you buy a gold card, you can come as many times as you want. 115 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,750 Oh? 116 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,357 Oh, there you are, Charles? Everything all right? 117 00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,877 I don't know what you did today, but look - a £20 tip! 118 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,474 He was a very satisfied customer. 119 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,030 I do hope you can keep this up, Charles. 120 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:19,996 ♪ You need hands to hold someone you care for 121 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:27,036 ♪ You need hands to show that you're sincere 122 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:36,195 ♪ When you feel nobody wants to know you 123 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:43,358 ♪ You need hands to brush away the tears 124 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:54,199 ♪ When you hold a brand-new baby 125 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,960 ♪ You need tender hands 126 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:02,592 ♪ To guide them on their way, hey, hey 127 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:11,668 ♪ You need hands to thank the Lord for living... ♪ 128 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,032 - And the name is...? - Tony Bell. 129 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,556 Ah, yes. If you take yourself to the treatment room. 130 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,995 - A fruit juice? - No, you're all right. 131 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,550 Pop your clothes off. I'll be with you in a moment. 132 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,358 Psst! 133 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,998 - That's your two o'clock. - I can't do it. 134 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,033 - He only wants a back-rub. - You don't understand. 135 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,794 - I know him. - So? 136 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,520 - He slept with Stella. - What?! 137 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:50,235 He had an affair with my wife. I can't touch him. 138 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,908 That's all right. He thinks it's me, remember? 139 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:57,312 Just think of the big tip he'll give you at the end. 140 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,509 (PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS) 141 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,840 Hello. Is that you, miss? 142 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,153 (HIGH-PITCHED) Mmm. 143 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,437 Bit nervous, actually. I've never really done this before. 144 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,959 (HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLE) 145 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,151 - Jesus! - What? 146 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,709 - Shh! - Oh. Sorry. 147 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,911 (RATTLE) 148 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,111 Tris! 149 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,354 I think there's a crime to be solved. 150 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,556 - What? - There's a crime gonna 'appen! 151 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,713 I heard these blokes. They're gonna rob the cash and carry, 152 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,593 then sell the fags to their mates. 153 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,355 - Come on, Tris! This is it! - But it's really late. 154 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,757 I know, but we'll miss 'em if we don't go now. 155 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:45,990 - All right. I'm coming down. - Smashing. 156 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:50,555 (THEME FROM "KNIGHT RIDER") 157 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,796 (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hi, Neds. Let's solve some crime. 158 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,520 - Have you phoned the police? - Nearly there. 159 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:02,554 - Have you? - It's OK. We've got Maxi. 160 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,791 I bet Gary will buy a few. 161 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,719 - (TYRES SCREECH) - What was that? 162 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,911 Take cover. I'm warning you - 163 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,594 I'm not goin' back inside, not for no one. 164 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,836 ("KNIGHT RIDER" THEME) 165 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,880 - What the bloody hell's that? - Go on, Maxi! 166 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,875 Take me home! I'm scared! 167 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,318 - You'd better lock the doors. - It's some bloke and his kid. 168 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,476 Ready, Tris? 169 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,718 - Get out of the car. - Let's solve some crime. 170 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,717 Get out of the car! 171 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,791 (SQUEALS) 172 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,231 (GROANING) 173 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,118 (STELLA) Is that it? 174 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,477 I must say, you've got that down to a fine art. 175 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,756 I've done farts that lasted longer. 176 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,309 Sorry, I was thinkin' about somethin' else. 177 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,119 Well, join the club. 178 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,035 Stella... 179 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,239 Have you ever thought about us havin' a...threesome? 180 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,749 I can't hear you, the immersion's on. 181 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,909 I said have you ever fantasised about having a threesome? 182 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,072 No, not since Milli Vanilli split up. Why? 183 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,635 - What's brought this on? - Nothin'. 184 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,950 I thought it might spice things up a bit. 185 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,277 - Ooh, you're a dark horse! - Get off! 186 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,077 I was readin' about it in one of your "Bella"s. 187 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,515 - Oh. - So? 188 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:56,474 I'm not having Judy Levinson's dyed minge in me mouth, 189 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,631 while you peep out the airing cupboard. 190 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,268 - I'd be involved. - How?! 191 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,829 You can't handle one woman, never mind two! 192 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,595 It needn't be another woman. It could be something else. 193 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,196 If you think I'm calling next door's dog in, think again. 194 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:14,272 No! Another fella. 195 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,996 - Who'd you have in mind? - God. I don't know... 196 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,832 Tony. 197 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,878 - Tony?! - Well, you seem to like 'im! 198 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,600 You want to watch, while me and Tony...? 199 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,354 - I could join in. - Doin' what?! 200 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,592 - Whatever. Stroke his hair... - Stroke his hair?! 201 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,149 - Whatever! - Yeah, and I'll do his nails. 202 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,710 - Bloody 'ell! - Look, Stella, 203 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:43,236 I'm tryin' to open somethin' up for you. 204 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,960 If all you can do is laugh, sod off! 205 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,754 Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie. 206 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,480 You're right. Tony could open somethin' up. 207 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,275 Trouble is, I don't think I'd notice you were there. 208 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,549 Oh, Neds. You've gotta do summat. 209 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:06,077 - They've started a fire. - Don't worry, Tris. 210 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,676 Maxi Power's still got a few tricks up her sleeve. 211 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,950 (SLOWED-DOWN MUSIC) 212 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,270 - Oh, no! - Now what? 213 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,792 Neds... What we gonna do? 214 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,232 (SINGS "KNIGHT RIDER" THEME) 215 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,039 Oh, fuck! 216 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,713 He's at it 'ammer and tongues all night. 217 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:43,475 She says, "Stop! Stop!" He says, "I am Thor!" 218 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,315 She says, "You're thore? I'm tho thore I can't pith!" 219 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,191 - Tony. - Charlie. 220 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,033 - Mind if I...? - We're goin', anyway. 221 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:01,028 - All right, lads. - See you, Tony. 222 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,191 So... 223 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,717 - How are you? - Look, if it's about Stella... 224 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:14,431 No, no. That's all forgotten about, in the past. 225 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,433 I just wanted to talk to you. Chat an' that. 226 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,511 Oh. 227 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,672 - Can I get you another pint? - No, no. I'm fine. 228 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,677 Cheers. 229 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,676 So, I believe you've been to this new massage parlour? 230 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,590 - Who told you that? - I heard Iris tellin' Stella. 231 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,550 Did she throw in any extras? 232 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,594 She did, actually. You'd never tell. She's a snooty bitch. 233 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,672 Always the dirty ones, aren't they? 234 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,354 - Was it good? - Eh? 235 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,996 The actual job in hand, did it come up to scratch? 236 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,398 - Yeah, it was fine. - Oh, only fine? 237 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,755 What was wrong with it, then? 238 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:08,799 No, it was good. It was...a wank. 239 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,070 So there was nothin' special about it? 240 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,555 Go yourself if you're that bothered. 241 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:17,554 I might. I'm just sayin' you should tell her what you want. 242 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,711 How's she gonna learn otherwise? 243 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,956 Bloody 'ell. What is this? "Kilroy"? 244 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,475 Don't blame me if next time it's as bad. 245 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,631 Who says there'll be a next time? 246 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,753 You what? Go again. You've got to. 247 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:35,232 She might have been tired by the time you turned up. 248 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,675 - All right, I'll go. - When? 249 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:41,230 - Now. I'm all tensed up. - You can't go now. 250 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,994 - She isn't there. - I've just seen her. 251 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:49,871 Go tomorrow. She needs time to think about what you've said. 252 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,075 - Eh? - Please, Tony. 253 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,911 Go tomorrow. 254 00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,830 All right. 255 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,710 'Scuse me. I wondered... 256 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,354 Excuse me. Would you like... hard cash? 257 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,991 - Excuse me, madam. - Yes? 258 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,913 Oh, great. I 'm compiling a report. 259 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,629 I have one or two questions. Would you take part? 260 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,519 - All right. If you're quick. - OK. 261 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,672 First, everything you say is strictly confidential 262 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,389 and will go no further than forming the basis of the report. 263 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,630 - OK, yes. - Right. Got that out the way. 264 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:37,110 I have to make that clear before we can proceed. 265 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,794 - Yes, I understand. - Right. Excellent. OK. 266 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,396 Question 1. Are you prepared to have your breast pinched? 267 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,956 - What? - Do you want a breast pinching? 268 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,196 - I don't follow you. - Simple question. 269 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,391 - Breast pinched, yes or no? - What's this for? 270 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:52,959 - The report. - What report? 271 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,151 - This one! - Well... 272 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,995 - No, I don't want it pinched. - Now we're getting somewhere. 273 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,311 "Refuses to have breast pinched." 274 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,915 Question 2. You sure you don't want your breast pinched? 275 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,235 Here you go. Cheap at 'alf the price. 276 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,595 Thank you. 277 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:27,955 Don't take this the wrong way, 278 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,476 but you could do with one of your own waxing treatments. 279 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,154 You know... Bit ticklish. 280 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,799 Right. 281 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,349 Listen, I was wondering if you were free tonight? 282 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,239 - Free? - Yeah, to go for a drink 283 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,391 or dinner or summat? 284 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,709 Oh, I... 285 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,356 Yes. Yes, I'd love to, Tony. 286 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:06,515 Great. I'll come for you after work, then. 287 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,831 See you. 288 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,555 Never mind who I am, answer the question - 289 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,756 do you want your breast pinched? 290 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,871 All right. Fair enough. 291 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,110 "Refuses to have her breast pinched." 292 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,274 (SIGHS) I must say, I'm disappointed so far. 293 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,990 What about that? Hardly worth bothering at this rate. 294 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,270 OK, phase two. Excuse me, sir... 295 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:48,314 - Can I take your coat, signora? - No, it's safer here. 296 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,875 No problemo. 297 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,709 Well, this is very...cosy. 298 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,030 Yeah. I knew it'd be up your street. 299 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,191 It's proper authentic Italian. 300 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:04,114 (YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Get them prawns out the freezer, Darren. 301 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,795 Er... Thanks for me present. 302 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,309 - Present? - Yeah. 303 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,914 I found it in me clothes after...you know... 304 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:17,358 Tony? I thought it were you. What you doin' here? 305 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,109 - Just 'avin a quiet meal. - Hello, Charles. Do join us. 306 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,756 No, I won't interrupt. I only came in for some pizzas. 307 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,077 - I insist. Tony doesn't mind. - No. 308 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,636 Oh, thanks. Excuse me. 309 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,232 - You're lookin' very nice. - Thank you. The top I bought... 310 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,638 No, I meant Tony. That St Christopher suits you. 311 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,075 - I'm happy wi' that. - We were just admiring it. 312 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,993 - Where's it from? - So, are you ready to order? 313 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,674 Oh, yes, please, Luigi. 314 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,832 - I start with the bruski... - The bruschetta. 315 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,715 - Yeah. What is it? - It's ciabatta with tomato, 316 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,474 garlic, a little basil, placed under the grill. 317 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,631 It's very tasty. I can recommend it. 318 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,995 Yeah, I'll have that, please, and...the veal. 319 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,475 Signora? 320 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,519 I had quite a late lunch, so I'll have something light. 321 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,319 I'll begin with the melon... 322 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,553 balls...and then I think I'll have the gnocchi verde. 323 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,194 (LUIGI) One gnocchi. 324 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,113 Sir? 325 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,158 The calamaris, is that still lemon wedge, salad...? 326 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:36,711 - Si, signor. - I'll have that and, er... 327 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,115 I'm feeling adventurous tonight, Luigi. 328 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,430 I think I'll try the liver and onions. 329 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,716 Yes, that'll put hairs on your chest, Charles. 330 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,871 So, one bruschetta and veal, 331 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,999 one melon and gnocchi verde and one calamari and liver. 332 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,430 - Is that everything? - Yes. Thank you. 333 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,397 Thank you. 334 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,431 - I'm going to the toilet. - I'll come. 335 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,437 No! 336 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,748 You are naughty. We're here on a date. 337 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,879 - He just doesn't realise. - The thing is, Charles... 338 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,838 I've never told anyone before... When Eddie died... 339 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,951 I've gotta go. 340 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,675 Charles? 341 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,790 (URINATING) 342 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:33,356 - Tony? - Oh, piss off! You're weird! 343 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:38,036 - I just need to explain summat. - Get off! You queer or summat? 344 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,231 No! I just... 345 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,756 I love you! 346 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,151 - What do you mean? - I'm in love with you. 347 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,835 Not in a queer way. I just love the look of you, 348 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:52,991 your personality, your hair... 349 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,631 - Fuck off, Charlie. - You know when summat clicks? 350 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,155 Well, this is it. 351 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,357 - I could be so good for you. - "Minder"? 352 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,432 I can make you happy, I know I can. 353 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:11,031 Look, Charlie, I - a man - am taking Judy - a woman - 354 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,191 to Barbara's. 355 00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:16,033 A mistake. Don't try and follow us. 356 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,711 - It's not her, you know. - What? 357 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:25,755 It's me. All your massages and extras - I do it, not her! 358 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,157 - Don't be so childish. - I've seen your birthmark. 359 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,110 Like the little red Teletubby. 360 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,953 - Po? - You touch it sometimes, 361 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,315 when you're about to... 362 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,677 - Not my Po. - I bought this wig. 363 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:51,038 - I thought maybe we could... - You bastard! 364 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,753 (SQUEALS AND SOBS) 365 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:02,674 Here. You can have your St Christopher back as well. 366 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,668 (SCREAMS IN PAIN) 367 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,394 I've never been so humiliated in my life! 368 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:15,551 Led on by a sad little homo! 369 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,799 I wouldn't like to be in your shoes when Eddie finds out. 370 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,913 And don't come in tomorrow. Your handyman days are over. 371 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,877 Pervert! 372 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,551 (GROANS) 373 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,118 Where is he? In here? 374 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,718 Charlie? I've come to tell you, I've won the bingo. £2,000. 375 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,639 - I packed a bag for you, look. - Where are we goin'? 376 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,435 I'm goin' to Fuengirola. You're stayin' at the Windermere. 377 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:53,316 Oh, by the way, me and Tony had that threesome last week. 378 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,392 Sorry I forgot to tell you. See you. 379 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:05,477 Excuse me, signor. I'm afraid the calamaris is off. 380 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,995 (SOBS) 381 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,431 I can do you some chips. 382 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,474 - Excuse me, madam. - Fuck off! 383 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:42,238 Excuse me? You dropped this. 384 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,796 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 385 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,155 (CRASH) 386 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,031 God! Are you all right? 387 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,635 - Tony? - Don't try to speak. 388 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,791 Give me your hand. 389 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:01,792 If it wasn't for that St Christopher's, you'd be dead. 390 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,349 - It's fate, Tony. - Come on. 391 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,511 I'll take you back to the shop. 392 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,994 (PAULINE) He saved my life! 393 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,949 - Huh! Beauty and the beast. - What's that? 394 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,311 Beauty and the beast. 395 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,275 Who was that he went off with? Charlie? 396 00:28:26,325 --> 00:28:30,875 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 30027

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