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1
00:00:00,539 --> 00:00:02,703
This USPIS broad... how'd she find you?
2
00:00:02,704 --> 00:00:03,477
I don't know, really.
3
00:00:03,478 --> 00:00:05,270
I think it was soon
after we moved up to Alaska.
4
00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:07,005
I think I saw her at a bar.
5
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,840
Ohh. Trouble in paradise?
6
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:09,941
- I was working.
- Drinking.
7
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,342
- Waitressing.
- Dancing.
8
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,825
- I was serving deep-fried fish.
- In a thong.
9
00:00:13,826 --> 00:00:15,028
- Okay.
- Okay, all right.
10
00:00:15,029 --> 00:00:18,588
Am I interested in hearing about
how you shook your ass for money?
11
00:00:18,944 --> 00:00:21,244
Yes, but not in a legal sense.
12
00:00:21,566 --> 00:00:23,026
What did you know about this chick?
13
00:00:23,027 --> 00:00:25,803
Not too much, but she
knew a lot about us.
14
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:29,299
?
15
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:30,455
Kids, look who it is.
16
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,478
- Hey, Mayor.
- Good morning, Mayor.
17
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,214
- Morning, Fleischers.
- Morning, Mayor.
18
00:00:37,216 --> 00:00:38,476
[Chuckles]
19
00:00:38,477 --> 00:00:40,160
How great is this town, huh?
20
00:00:40,719 --> 00:00:44,493
Look at this... the
vegetables 3 time the size
21
00:00:44,494 --> 00:00:46,145
'cause of 10 times the sun.
22
00:00:46,926 --> 00:00:47,795
Mmm!
23
00:00:47,796 --> 00:00:52,195
[Slow-motion groaning]
24
00:00:55,636 --> 00:01:00,623
[Gagging, coughing]
25
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,320
Ugh!
26
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,264
Why would you use dirt?
27
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,366
- [Muffled voice] Water!
- Oh, that's a good idea.
28
00:01:07,564 --> 00:01:09,697
Give me water! Fast!
29
00:01:09,848 --> 00:01:11,591
[Gargling]
30
00:01:11,592 --> 00:01:13,260
[Gasps] All right!
31
00:01:13,261 --> 00:01:16,520
- [Coughing]
- Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!
32
00:01:16,522 --> 00:01:18,855
- Give me that!
- Don't yell at him!
33
00:01:18,857 --> 00:01:20,457
Why are you yelling at him? What
do you mean, "Don't yell at him"?
34
00:01:20,459 --> 00:01:21,491
I asked for water!
35
00:01:21,493 --> 00:01:23,154
[Indistinct arguing]
36
00:01:23,155 --> 00:01:25,141
I need to find my way into this family.
37
00:01:25,142 --> 00:01:26,791
In past investigations,
I have sought out
38
00:01:26,792 --> 00:01:28,622
the stupidest member of the organization
39
00:01:28,623 --> 00:01:30,404
to infiltrate and extract intel.
40
00:01:30,405 --> 00:01:32,780
In this way, the Parkers
pose a unique problem...
41
00:01:32,781 --> 00:01:35,755
they are all so uniquely stupid.
42
00:01:36,408 --> 00:01:37,927
[Grunting]
43
00:01:37,928 --> 00:01:39,996
How do you like it, huh?! God!
44
00:01:39,997 --> 00:01:43,146
? Somewhere behind the mountains ?
45
00:01:43,148 --> 00:01:45,782
? There is a place I'm thinkin' ?
46
00:01:45,784 --> 00:01:47,730
[Distorted music plays]
47
00:01:47,746 --> 00:01:50,864
Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com
48
00:01:51,434 --> 00:01:53,167
[Tires screech]
49
00:01:53,318 --> 00:01:54,630
[Rock music playing]
50
00:01:54,631 --> 00:01:56,526
Edie: Robin Randall,
51
00:01:56,528 --> 00:02:01,181
the matriarch of the family,
is drunk, as usual.
52
00:02:01,182 --> 00:02:04,735
- I call, "Switch, witch!"
- Whoo!
53
00:02:04,737 --> 00:02:08,872
Switch, witch!
54
00:02:08,874 --> 00:02:10,325
It's called a Chinese fire drill.
55
00:02:10,326 --> 00:02:12,253
You do it in traffic so it has stakes.
56
00:02:12,254 --> 00:02:13,395
- This is just stupid.
- Switch, witch!
57
00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:19,049
- Jesus Christ, act your age.
- Yeah!
58
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:20,404
This woman's had more 39th birthdays
59
00:02:20,405 --> 00:02:22,038
than a mid-range tapas bar.
60
00:02:22,039 --> 00:02:26,556
[Rock music playing]
[Indistinct shouting]
61
00:02:28,494 --> 00:02:30,594
Yeah! Yeah!
62
00:02:30,596 --> 00:02:32,483
You want me to call your mom?!
63
00:02:32,484 --> 00:02:34,598
Hi!
64
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,815
?
65
00:02:37,816 --> 00:02:40,373
No! No pictures!
66
00:02:40,374 --> 00:02:42,709
- [Camera shutter clicking]
- Shame on you!
67
00:02:42,710 --> 00:02:44,508
- No pictures in here!
- [Camera shutter clicks]
68
00:02:45,995 --> 00:02:48,923
- Ugh. Ugh.
- [Heaving]
69
00:02:48,924 --> 00:02:50,962
Oh, don't you dare. No, no, no!
70
00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:52,849
Oh, God.
71
00:02:52,851 --> 00:02:54,317
- No!
- [Camera shutter clicks]
72
00:02:54,319 --> 00:02:55,719
- Take that, mailbox!
- That's the mail. I just...
73
00:02:55,721 --> 00:02:57,354
[Camera shutter clicking]
74
00:02:57,356 --> 00:02:59,318
Woman: Now it'll get there on time!
75
00:03:02,161 --> 00:03:04,125
- Mm!
- Mm!
76
00:03:04,126 --> 00:03:05,331
- Babe.
- Mm-hmm?
77
00:03:05,332 --> 00:03:06,467
- You're home early.
- Mm-hmm.
78
00:03:06,468 --> 00:03:07,685
That's good to see.
79
00:03:08,014 --> 00:03:08,897
What are you wearing?
80
00:03:08,898 --> 00:03:10,156
- Hmm?
- What is that?
81
00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:12,003
Mnh. Is that a toaster with tits on it?
82
00:03:12,004 --> 00:03:13,804
- Mm-hmm.
- Let me guess.
83
00:03:13,806 --> 00:03:15,605
[Ditzy voice] It's super gender playful
84
00:03:15,607 --> 00:03:17,305
'cause tits are, like,
a social construct anyway.
85
00:03:17,306 --> 00:03:19,817
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God. You drunk again?
86
00:03:19,818 --> 00:03:21,973
- Hmm? Mnh.
- "Mnh."
87
00:03:21,974 --> 00:03:24,214
So, not shit-faced, but
somewhere in between. Okay.
88
00:03:24,216 --> 00:03:25,549
Hey, oh, oh, oh, guess what.
89
00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:26,917
Narvin gave me
a special bottle of pills,
90
00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:28,018
and guess what I can do now.
91
00:03:28,020 --> 00:03:29,581
- Hmm? Mmm!
- Right?
92
00:03:29,582 --> 00:03:30,943
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you say?
93
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,427
- Want to take it for a spin?
- Mm-hmm.
94
00:03:32,428 --> 00:03:34,178
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
95
00:03:34,179 --> 00:03:36,393
I don't know what this stupid
moaning thing you're doing is,
96
00:03:36,395 --> 00:03:36,941
but I kind of like it.
97
00:03:36,942 --> 00:03:38,859
- Mnnnnh.
- Look at these.
98
00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:40,728
- Jesus Christ, they're big.
- Mm-hmm.
99
00:03:40,729 --> 00:03:42,399
I can get in there with you, I bet.
100
00:03:42,401 --> 00:03:45,101
Check this out.
Oh, my God, look at that.
101
00:03:45,102 --> 00:03:47,319
Oh, my God. Hey, you know what?
102
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,383
These are better then Fundies.
103
00:03:48,384 --> 00:03:50,250
We could market these. Trust me.
104
00:03:50,251 --> 00:03:52,113
I used to work
at Spencer's Gifts in college.
105
00:03:52,114 --> 00:03:53,754
That's where I got bitten
by the inventor bug.
106
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:55,473
These things would fly off the shelves.
107
00:03:55,474 --> 00:03:56,009
Mnh...
108
00:03:56,010 --> 00:03:58,827
Oh, yeah, I am literally in your pants.
109
00:03:58,828 --> 00:03:59,875
Let's get some.
110
00:03:59,876 --> 00:04:00,623
Ahh!
111
00:04:01,123 --> 00:04:03,249
Oh, my God, why would you do that?!
112
00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:05,196
[Muffled voice] I'm sorry.
It was in my mouth.
113
00:04:05,197 --> 00:04:08,163
- I can see that!
- It was just building up so fast.
114
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,600
- Then swallow that.
- Gross. I don't swallow.
115
00:04:10,601 --> 00:04:12,384
Why not? It's a natural fluid.
116
00:04:12,385 --> 00:04:14,349
It's so salty.
117
00:04:14,350 --> 00:04:16,157
And there's so much of it.
118
00:04:16,158 --> 00:04:18,645
God. Well, spitting it's insane, okay?
119
00:04:18,646 --> 00:04:20,440
Now I'm so messy!
120
00:04:20,542 --> 00:04:23,562
Spitting?
That's for first dates and nuns.
121
00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:25,464
What's this chick's problem?
122
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,029
How hard did you bite your tongue?
123
00:04:28,030 --> 00:04:29,754
- Ugh.
- [Spits]
124
00:04:29,755 --> 00:04:31,481
[Lisping] I didn't. I pierced it.
125
00:04:31,483 --> 00:04:32,795
You what? Why would you do that?
126
00:04:32,796 --> 00:04:35,167
Peer pressure... mostly.
127
00:04:35,168 --> 00:04:37,313
Um, they said I was a lame-o.
128
00:04:37,314 --> 00:04:39,322
Well, you are a lame-o, okay?
129
00:04:39,324 --> 00:04:40,276
But that's why I like you.
130
00:04:40,277 --> 00:04:42,830
But they do say that
it makes blowjobs better.
131
00:04:42,831 --> 00:04:44,314
Blowjobs are already pretty good.
132
00:04:44,315 --> 00:04:46,480
But if they can get better...
133
00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:47,400
- Mm.
- Mm.
134
00:04:47,401 --> 00:04:49,956
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What?
135
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:50,536
I didn't go through with it.
136
00:04:50,537 --> 00:04:52,262
I got scared and I pulled away
137
00:04:52,263 --> 00:04:53,970
and the thing was
still on there and it tore.
138
00:04:53,972 --> 00:04:56,066
Okay. So you've got
a giant hole in your tongue
139
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:57,673
[lisping] giving you a
massive speech impediment.
140
00:04:57,675 --> 00:04:58,208
Mm-hmm.
141
00:04:58,210 --> 00:04:59,742
- And blowjobs are staying the same.
- Mm-hmm.
142
00:04:59,743 --> 00:05:02,868
- So much blood.
- I know, but we can put a towel down.
143
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:05,215
Why would you put a towel
down, you Neanderthal?
144
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:06,616
- Come here.
- All right, all right.
145
00:05:06,618 --> 00:05:07,616
- It's been awhile.
- Okay.
146
00:05:07,616 --> 00:05:08,607
- [Groans] Wait.
- What?
147
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:11,288
- Oh, my God.
- See? That's what...
148
00:05:11,290 --> 00:05:12,770
- It hurts so bad.
- Just... Okay, just shh.
149
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,694
- I'll just take this off.
- No kissing. Great.
150
00:05:14,695 --> 00:05:15,915
- No kissing.
- Yeah.
151
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,461
Just this. That's it. That's it.
152
00:05:17,462 --> 00:05:20,144
- Oh, God!
- What? Oh, yeah, I did that, too.
153
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,281
Why would you do that?
154
00:05:21,282 --> 00:05:22,713
I didn't really go through with it.
155
00:05:22,714 --> 00:05:24,311
Oh, so you've got two more giant holes.
156
00:05:24,312 --> 00:05:26,744
Yeah. One, two, three.
157
00:05:27,103 --> 00:05:28,924
Listen, I'm super happy
you've made new friends.
158
00:05:28,925 --> 00:05:30,316
I'm not sure about
their influence on you.
159
00:05:30,317 --> 00:05:32,448
But you've been 39
for way too many years
160
00:05:32,449 --> 00:05:34,115
to be acting like this, okay?
161
00:05:35,213 --> 00:05:37,480
I'm gonna go take a shower, okay?
162
00:05:37,482 --> 00:05:38,537
What are you gonna do about that guy?
163
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:41,739
That's... been taken care of by this.
164
00:05:41,826 --> 00:05:42,626
God.
165
00:05:45,255 --> 00:05:46,891
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
166
00:05:47,192 --> 00:05:48,140
- Okay.
- Okay.
167
00:05:48,141 --> 00:05:49,860
You're a shit show. Go to sleep.
168
00:05:49,862 --> 00:05:51,862
Okay.
169
00:05:51,864 --> 00:05:55,465
Oh, my God, now they hurt so bad.
170
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:58,393
- Yeah.
- Why do they hurt so bad?
171
00:05:58,394 --> 00:06:00,707
I will not make contact
with Robin Randall
172
00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:03,483
mostly because I cannot
imagine spending any time
173
00:06:03,976 --> 00:06:05,860
with this pathetic woman. Ugh.
174
00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:07,542
- 'Cause they're the boobs.
- Ugh.
175
00:06:07,543 --> 00:06:09,132
Stop talking about your tits.
176
00:06:09,228 --> 00:06:10,452
?
177
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:14,282
Jared Parker, a.k.a. Jareb Parker,
178
00:06:14,283 --> 00:06:16,672
a.k.a. Jareb Parkour.
179
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,383
He's the walking, talking epitome
180
00:06:19,384 --> 00:06:21,134
of idiotic burgeoning male privilege.
181
00:06:21,135 --> 00:06:24,476
Against all odds, good things
just keep happening to this kid.
182
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:28,140
[Soft instrumental music playing]
183
00:06:28,735 --> 00:06:31,376
We were a traditional town,
traditional values.
184
00:06:31,862 --> 00:06:33,918
We had the same mayor for 15 years.
185
00:06:34,657 --> 00:06:36,443
_
186
00:06:36,491 --> 00:06:38,850
[Laughing] Llama?!
187
00:06:38,852 --> 00:06:42,221
He was not a llama. He was an alpaca.
188
00:06:42,223 --> 00:06:45,190
[Chuckling]
189
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,093
Narrator: This is the story
of American politics
190
00:06:48,095 --> 00:06:50,329
like you've never heard.
191
00:06:50,647 --> 00:06:53,199
_
192
00:06:53,676 --> 00:06:54,967
[Birds chirping]
193
00:06:54,969 --> 00:06:58,637
[Mid-tempo piano music playing]
194
00:06:58,639 --> 00:07:00,305
[Indistinct conversations]
195
00:07:00,307 --> 00:07:04,195
Big Dong June was an
18-year-old sandy-brown alpaca
196
00:07:04,196 --> 00:07:07,705
and mayor of this tiny Alaskan
town on the Kenai Peninsula.
197
00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:10,849
During his 15 terms,
he increased tourism,
198
00:07:10,851 --> 00:07:13,652
by some estimates, up to 4%.
199
00:07:13,654 --> 00:07:15,654
He was so good for this town.
_
200
00:07:15,656 --> 00:07:17,258
His smile...
_
201
00:07:17,259 --> 00:07:18,853
kids loved it.
202
00:07:18,854 --> 00:07:21,267
Really straight teeth, good gums.
203
00:07:23,397 --> 00:07:24,731
He was my best friend.
204
00:07:25,099 --> 00:07:28,333
Narrator: Tragically, Big Dong
June's life was cut short
205
00:07:28,335 --> 00:07:32,471
by a giant tomato infested
with longhorn crazy ants.
206
00:07:33,106 --> 00:07:34,959
Order. Order. Hello.
_
207
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,208
Thank you all for coming today.
_
208
00:07:36,210 --> 00:07:39,811
As you all know, our beloved
mayor, Big Dong June,
209
00:07:39,813 --> 00:07:41,346
has passed away.
210
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,215
Yes.
211
00:07:43,217 --> 00:07:47,085
But we are all here today
to come up with new ideas
212
00:07:47,087 --> 00:07:49,788
for the who the chosen mayor shall be.
213
00:07:49,790 --> 00:07:52,391
Sasha: We cannot have
a hereditary dynasty.
214
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,694
We need a real mayor,
a two-footed mayor.
215
00:07:55,696 --> 00:07:57,488
Council rebuttal, please.
216
00:07:58,329 --> 00:08:00,599
I would really like
to see a Jewish mayor.
217
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:04,205
[Laughter]
218
00:08:04,206 --> 00:08:06,471
Straight Jack: Oh, please,
let's be realistic.
219
00:08:06,912 --> 00:08:10,142
We need someone who can bring
in at least 65 tourists a year
220
00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:12,708
to this town, and that's an alpaca.
221
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:15,814
I think Nigel would make a great mayor.
222
00:08:15,816 --> 00:08:17,049
Let me tell you something.
223
00:08:17,051 --> 00:08:18,980
Shamu's been dead for 50 years,
224
00:08:18,981 --> 00:08:21,671
but people still go to
SeaWorld to see Shamu.
225
00:08:21,672 --> 00:08:22,287
You know why?
226
00:08:22,661 --> 00:08:24,756
Because they didn't
replace a majestic orca
227
00:08:24,758 --> 00:08:26,258
with a goddamn box turtle!
228
00:08:26,260 --> 00:08:27,693
Struck!
229
00:08:28,277 --> 00:08:29,161
Next.
230
00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:31,134
Narrator: Some people think
democracy's broken.
231
00:08:31,283 --> 00:08:34,633
Our generation is here to take
democracy back for the people.
232
00:08:34,635 --> 00:08:36,435
And to do that is to vote.
233
00:08:36,437 --> 00:08:38,083
There's no way we're gonna
let our town turn into...
234
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:38,704
Man: Holy shit!
235
00:08:38,706 --> 00:08:40,939
Hey! That boy just did a
backwards flip off here!
236
00:08:40,941 --> 00:08:42,808
- A backflip.
- Yeah.
237
00:08:42,810 --> 00:08:45,210
He hopped right up here and did a
backwards flip right off there.
238
00:08:45,212 --> 00:08:47,579
That was flippin' amazing.
Did y'all see that?
239
00:08:47,581 --> 00:08:48,847
He does it all the time.
240
00:08:49,005 --> 00:08:50,315
You would not believe it.
_
241
00:08:50,317 --> 00:08:51,672
This young boy jumps up on
_
242
00:08:51,674 --> 00:08:52,818
this 12-foot lectern
_
243
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:54,419
like one of them African gazelles.
244
00:08:54,421 --> 00:08:56,655
Then he goes and does the most graceful
_
245
00:08:56,657 --> 00:08:57,943
triple-double backwards flip
_
246
00:08:57,944 --> 00:08:59,291
I've ever seen.
_
247
00:08:59,293 --> 00:09:00,926
It was downright biblical.
248
00:09:00,928 --> 00:09:02,527
When people saw that backflip,
249
00:09:02,529 --> 00:09:04,996
the political landscape of
this town was changed forever.
250
00:09:04,998 --> 00:09:06,498
All those in favor?
251
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,966
- Yea!
- Yes!
252
00:09:07,968 --> 00:09:09,835
- All opposed?
- Nay.
253
00:09:10,195 --> 00:09:10,635
[Gavel bangs]
254
00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:11,670
The motion has been passed.
255
00:09:11,672 --> 00:09:13,071
The mayor shall be a mammal.
256
00:09:13,073 --> 00:09:15,407
[Spectators clamoring]
257
00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:17,709
I mean, that furry horse
basically did nothing...
258
00:09:17,711 --> 00:09:18,977
and I mean nothing.
259
00:09:18,979 --> 00:09:20,351
It's a ceremonial position.
260
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:21,380
The mayor does nothing.
261
00:09:21,382 --> 00:09:22,586
I do nothing all the time.
_
262
00:09:22,587 --> 00:09:23,385
I mean, it's pretty much
_
263
00:09:23,387 --> 00:09:24,515
my favorite thing to do.
_
264
00:09:24,558 --> 00:09:26,949
Sometimes I want to invite
someone to do nothing with me,
265
00:09:26,965 --> 00:09:29,878
but then I realized that's
something, so I don't do it.
266
00:09:31,792 --> 00:09:33,425
[Distorted voice] So, where...
I'm looking down here?
267
00:09:33,427 --> 00:09:34,559
Here?
268
00:09:34,561 --> 00:09:35,423
Which?
269
00:09:35,590 --> 00:09:36,396
_
270
00:09:36,632 --> 00:09:38,038
Which... Here?
_
271
00:09:38,274 --> 00:09:39,765
At you. Okay.
_
272
00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:41,133
I didn't love the idea
273
00:09:41,135 --> 00:09:43,034
of our son becoming
a tourist attraction.
274
00:09:43,036 --> 00:09:45,237
You know, he's the kind of...
_
275
00:09:45,762 --> 00:09:47,295
You can obscure both of us, right?
_
276
00:09:47,297 --> 00:09:48,345
You... You have that ability?
_
277
00:09:48,346 --> 00:09:50,151
[Normal voice] Great. Great.
_
278
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,566
[Distorted voice] Yeah, we, um...
_
279
00:09:52,568 --> 00:09:54,127
We're... We're private people, you know?
_
280
00:09:54,128 --> 00:09:55,339
We don't like the attention.
_
281
00:09:55,340 --> 00:09:56,628
[Distorted voice] And she is not suggesting
_
282
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:59,486
that we're criminals by
any stretch of the imagination.
283
00:09:59,487 --> 00:10:00,649
[Normal voice] No, it's...
284
00:10:00,650 --> 00:10:01,436
[Distorted voice] We're
not on the run or anything.
285
00:10:01,437 --> 00:10:04,278
[Normal voice] Why [distorted
voice] would you even bring that up?
286
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,414
[Normal voice] It's
[distorted voice] working.
287
00:10:06,416 --> 00:10:07,882
What's working?
288
00:10:07,884 --> 00:10:10,885
[Normal voice] The... The...
289
00:10:10,887 --> 00:10:13,154
Right? You can cut [distorted
voice] this out, right?
290
00:10:13,156 --> 00:10:14,680
This is...
_
291
00:10:14,766 --> 00:10:15,665
Just...
292
00:10:15,666 --> 00:10:17,761
All in favor for Big Dong Ill.
_
293
00:10:17,762 --> 00:10:19,794
- Aye!
- Aye!
294
00:10:19,796 --> 00:10:22,874
All in favor for Jareb
Parker, the boy who flips?
295
00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:24,865
- Aye!
- Aye!
296
00:10:27,070 --> 00:10:29,210
All in favor for Nigel the box turtle?
297
00:10:30,132 --> 00:10:33,214
Narrator: After a hard-fought
run, the results were in.
298
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,242
It's a tie.
299
00:10:34,243 --> 00:10:35,632
[Distorted voice] We
really should have voted.
300
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:36,983
[Distorted voice] No, don't
tell them we didn't vote.
301
00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,728
[Normal voice] They're [distorted
voice] obscuring our identity.
302
00:10:38,729 --> 00:10:40,915
He's not gonna know his
parents didn't vote for him.
303
00:10:40,917 --> 00:10:42,183
[Normal voice] Who do you think
304
00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:43,707
[distorted voice] he thinks we are?
305
00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:45,226
[Normal voice] Well, with the
306
00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:46,854
[distorted voice] voice
modulation and the pixilation,
307
00:10:46,856 --> 00:10:49,056
we could be any random townsperson.
308
00:10:49,058 --> 00:10:51,803
[Distorted voice] No, we make
we make specific references
309
00:10:51,804 --> 00:10:53,571
to the fact that he's our child.
310
00:10:54,063 --> 00:10:56,831
[Distorted voice] Who is
our child? See? Just like that.
311
00:10:56,833 --> 00:10:59,546
The town must deliberate on
how we shall break this tie.
312
00:10:59,547 --> 00:11:02,003
The floor is now open. Sheriff?
313
00:11:02,479 --> 00:11:03,633
Coin flip.
314
00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:05,130
Too complicated.
315
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,095
Staring contest.
316
00:11:07,096 --> 00:11:08,678
That's Wasilla's thing.
317
00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:11,051
Thumb wars. It's the only way.
318
00:11:11,052 --> 00:11:12,820
Alpacas don't have thumbs.
319
00:11:12,821 --> 00:11:14,608
What the [bleep] did you say?
Say it again.
320
00:11:14,609 --> 00:11:15,688
- Say it again!
- Ma'am, excuse me. Can you...
321
00:11:15,689 --> 00:11:16,630
Who are you?!
322
00:11:16,956 --> 00:11:19,092
- [Bleep] you.
- Oh, no [bleep] you!
323
00:11:19,094 --> 00:11:20,625
Excuse me! [Bleep] you!
324
00:11:20,626 --> 00:11:22,929
Order! Hey, hey, hey, hey...
325
00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:26,677
Narrator: Unable to reach a consensus
on a contest to break the tie,
326
00:11:26,678 --> 00:11:28,348
a referendum was called.
327
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,608
All in favor of back flippin'.
328
00:11:31,572 --> 00:11:33,985
I voted for oat eating. I mean,
alpacas can't do backflips.
329
00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:35,041
I mean, it wouldn't be fair.
330
00:11:35,043 --> 00:11:37,132
And I like oats. They're like
my fifth favorite snack.
331
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:39,495
It looks like oat eating is our winner.
332
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:43,334
[Dramatic music playing]
333
00:11:43,618 --> 00:11:45,004
This is so embarrassing.
334
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,486
Welcome to our democracy.
335
00:11:46,488 --> 00:11:47,854
Alaska-style.
336
00:11:47,856 --> 00:11:50,023
Hey, this is our interview.
Our interview.
337
00:11:50,025 --> 00:11:51,691
- Woman: Faster!
- [Indistinct shouting]
338
00:11:51,693 --> 00:11:54,755
- Good luck, Dong!
- Let's go!
339
00:11:56,005 --> 00:11:59,566
That alpaca's kicking your ass, son.
[Laughs]
340
00:11:59,568 --> 00:12:02,629
If I had any money,
it'd be on that flippin' boy.
341
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:07,073
[Shouting continues]
342
00:12:07,075 --> 00:12:09,869
Narrator: The alpaca was handed
a decisive victory,
343
00:12:09,991 --> 00:12:11,524
but in an ironic twist,
344
00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:14,580
Big Dong Ill would suffer
the same fate as his father...
345
00:12:14,583 --> 00:12:16,749
eating something that killed him.
346
00:12:16,751 --> 00:12:19,719
So, we decided to put
the partisan bickering aside
347
00:12:19,721 --> 00:12:22,622
for the good of the town
and let the boy govern.
348
00:12:22,624 --> 00:12:24,945
I got some pretty big
plans for this town.
349
00:12:28,263 --> 00:12:29,740
Now watch this backflip.
350
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,871
Mayor Jareb Parker,
351
00:12:38,228 --> 00:12:39,551
a kid who would tell me everything
352
00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:41,217
if only he knew... anything.
353
00:12:46,257 --> 00:12:49,875
[Camera shutter clicking]
354
00:12:49,876 --> 00:12:50,914
[Car door closes]
355
00:12:51,625 --> 00:12:54,513
The girl... Delilah... I feel
like she's up to something,
356
00:12:54,514 --> 00:12:56,514
but I have neither the
interest nor resources
357
00:12:56,515 --> 00:12:59,233
to follow the drama surrounding
a 14-year-old girl.
358
00:13:00,786 --> 00:13:03,153
That leaves us with... Nate Parker.
359
00:13:03,155 --> 00:13:05,722
I probably didn't need
to make a list of four people,
360
00:13:05,724 --> 00:13:07,502
but I'm very visual.
361
00:13:08,694 --> 00:13:10,593
Why the hell is milk $10 a gallon?
362
00:13:10,595 --> 00:13:11,233
Can't you use your powers
to do something about that?
363
00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:13,264
What do you want me to do about it?
I mean, I'm just a flipping mayor.
364
00:13:13,265 --> 00:13:14,963
Okay, well, the mayor's gonna have to
365
00:13:14,964 --> 00:13:15,773
eat his cereal with water
366
00:13:15,774 --> 00:13:17,860
'cause I'm not buying
milk for this price.
367
00:13:18,424 --> 00:13:20,442
- Okay.
- Morning, Mayor.
368
00:13:20,443 --> 00:13:21,864
Hi. [Chuckles nervously]
369
00:13:21,865 --> 00:13:23,357
We study poli sci at the college,
370
00:13:23,358 --> 00:13:24,789
and we had some thoughts
about your administration.
371
00:13:24,790 --> 00:13:26,901
Sasha: You could be so much more
than backflips.
372
00:13:26,903 --> 00:13:28,903
Like what? Front flips or s-something?
373
00:13:28,905 --> 00:13:30,805
- Can we grab...
- We got to get this.
374
00:13:30,807 --> 00:13:32,707
- Are you sure? That has...
- Super "D."
375
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:33,436
What are you doing here?
376
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:35,216
Dad, this is a friend of mine.
377
00:13:35,217 --> 00:13:36,574
Hey. I'm Mason.
378
00:13:36,575 --> 00:13:38,145
Hey, Mason. How are you?
379
00:13:38,147 --> 00:13:39,580
Are we doing this?
380
00:13:39,582 --> 00:13:41,616
Yes. Okay. Yeah. All right, sure, man.
381
00:13:41,618 --> 00:13:44,452
[Grunts] Good. A handshake, too. Okay.
382
00:13:44,454 --> 00:13:46,483
- Doodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle.
- That's long enough.
383
00:13:46,484 --> 00:13:48,523
Pssch! Unh!
384
00:13:48,525 --> 00:13:50,640
Nice to meet you, fam! What up?
385
00:13:50,641 --> 00:13:52,467
Not much... at all.
386
00:13:52,468 --> 00:13:55,104
Yo, I'm looking at this
little fool, and he be like,
387
00:13:55,105 --> 00:13:57,732
"Er, I'm not so sure
about this little brown boy."
388
00:13:57,734 --> 00:14:00,301
I never said that. [Chuckles]
389
00:14:00,303 --> 00:14:01,731
You seem like a nice, stand-up kid.
390
00:14:01,732 --> 00:14:03,208
He is. That's exactly what he is.
391
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,805
I know. That's why I said it.
392
00:14:04,807 --> 00:14:07,105
Yo, you don't got
to worry about me none.
393
00:14:07,106 --> 00:14:09,043
I don't drink. I don't do drugs.
394
00:14:09,045 --> 00:14:11,806
I'm saving myself for marriage.
395
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:13,514
Somehow that makes me trust you less.
396
00:14:13,516 --> 00:14:16,663
[Laughs hysterically]
397
00:14:16,664 --> 00:14:17,785
Oh, man.
398
00:14:17,787 --> 00:14:20,016
Hey, speaking of a stand-up guy,
399
00:14:20,017 --> 00:14:22,456
I got a one-man comedy
flow I'm gonna do.
400
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:23,929
You should pop by and check out my game.
401
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:26,039
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, sure. I like games.
402
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,795
You better, or you're a racist.
403
00:14:28,741 --> 00:14:32,610
[Laughs] Oh, God!
404
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,492
J-play. J.K.
405
00:14:34,493 --> 00:14:36,439
J-play all day.
406
00:14:36,641 --> 00:14:38,789
D, let's bounce.
407
00:14:40,877 --> 00:14:44,512
Holy shit. What the hell was that?
408
00:14:44,514 --> 00:14:45,797
That's the guy you like?
409
00:14:45,798 --> 00:14:48,613
Mm-hmm, but mostly I'm just
using him for his car.
410
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,474
I'll let you use our car.
411
00:14:53,371 --> 00:14:55,037
[Objects clatter]
412
00:14:55,258 --> 00:14:56,656
Stop flipping!
413
00:14:56,657 --> 00:15:00,328
?
414
00:15:00,863 --> 00:15:02,402
- Hey.
- Sorry I'm late. Did I miss it?
415
00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:05,105
No, you didn't. Apparently
it's dope to start an hour late.
416
00:15:05,106 --> 00:15:06,652
- Is that him?
- That is him.
417
00:15:06,653 --> 00:15:09,454
- Yeah!
- Oh. Oh! That's... That's fancy.
418
00:15:09,456 --> 00:15:11,122
Did you sign off on this guy?
419
00:15:11,124 --> 00:15:13,058
Yeah. I had no choice. She likes him.
420
00:15:13,060 --> 00:15:14,612
He's harmless.
421
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:15,879
How many 16-year-olds
422
00:15:15,881 --> 00:15:17,614
have enough material for a one-man show?
423
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:18,882
What is he gonna talk about
424
00:15:18,891 --> 00:15:20,876
besides video games and jerking off?
425
00:15:20,932 --> 00:15:23,399
Our son is the mayor.
Kids are capable of things.
426
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,005
That was an accident.
427
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,367
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Show some love!
428
00:15:28,625 --> 00:15:30,542
- Make some noise!
- [Applause]
429
00:15:30,543 --> 00:15:34,825
Give it up for "Massan"!
430
00:15:34,826 --> 00:15:36,134
I thought you said his name was Mason.
431
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:37,885
That's how he introduced himself to me.
432
00:15:37,887 --> 00:15:41,094
- Shh.
- Yeah! What up?
433
00:15:41,095 --> 00:15:43,424
All right, everybody, listen up.
Listen up.
434
00:15:44,124 --> 00:15:45,567
I met the girl of my dreams.
435
00:15:45,568 --> 00:15:47,220
[Audience awws]
436
00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:50,167
It was like when Kanye met Kim,
when Jay met Bey,
437
00:15:50,168 --> 00:15:52,410
when Luke met Leia... before they knew.
438
00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:54,935
[Laughter] [Chuckles]
439
00:15:54,937 --> 00:15:57,493
It's a half-joke. Shh! It's very funny.
440
00:15:57,494 --> 00:15:59,521
- Is it?
- It's funny because it's important,
441
00:15:59,522 --> 00:16:01,595
and it's important because it's diverse.
442
00:16:03,041 --> 00:16:04,125
Then why aren't you laughing?
443
00:16:04,126 --> 00:16:06,998
So, check this.
Friday night, date night.
444
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:10,377
[Laughs loudly] So important.
445
00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:11,414
Nobody's buying that.
446
00:16:11,415 --> 00:16:13,646
So, I jump on my bike, and I ride over.
447
00:16:15,525 --> 00:16:18,049
And I'm ridin' solo... not Han.
448
00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:19,689
I'm talking Derulo.
449
00:16:19,690 --> 00:16:21,179
Does he have a recumbent bike?
450
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:22,937
No. He's got a Miata. I've got a bike.
451
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:24,499
And I meet her dad.
452
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:27,535
And he gives me that look...
453
00:16:27,826 --> 00:16:30,156
- [Audience groaning]
- that look all immigrant kids get
454
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,927
when all they're searching for
is a simple handshake and hello.
455
00:16:32,928 --> 00:16:35,260
That's exactly what I did.
I shook his hand and said hello.
456
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:40,473
And this guy, Mr. NPR, Mr. Kale Salad...
457
00:16:40,474 --> 00:16:42,683
I hate kale. But you love NPR.
458
00:16:42,685 --> 00:16:44,518
I do. You know what he says to me?
459
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,854
"Nice to meet you, Tora Bora."
460
00:16:46,856 --> 00:16:47,869
[Audience groaning]
461
00:16:47,870 --> 00:16:49,477
- Yes!
- Oh, come on.
462
00:16:49,478 --> 00:16:51,225
- Well, that's bad.
- Are you kidding me?!
463
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,060
In this day and age?!
464
00:16:53,062 --> 00:16:56,973
Nice to meet you, Restrepo
Islamabad United 93 9/11!
465
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,103
[Audience groaning]
466
00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,864
I never said that. Who would say that?
467
00:16:59,865 --> 00:17:01,433
Nobody, because it's not a sentence.
468
00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:03,537
- So insulting.
- But I'm not stoop to his level
469
00:17:03,538 --> 00:17:05,906
because when he goes low, I go fly.
470
00:17:05,908 --> 00:17:06,958
- [Laughter]
- That's right.
471
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,677
So, I said, "I really care
for your daughter, sir."
472
00:17:09,991 --> 00:17:11,468
She's the bomb."
473
00:17:12,477 --> 00:17:16,849
And, no lie, this guy be like,
"He's got a bomb!"
474
00:17:16,850 --> 00:17:19,687
Oh, so now you're racist
and you don't get '80s slang.
475
00:17:19,689 --> 00:17:21,555
[Applause]
476
00:17:21,557 --> 00:17:24,662
I guess I didn't get the E.O.
on waterboarding 'cause I...
477
00:17:24,853 --> 00:17:27,362
[voice breaking]
I was choking on my own tears.
478
00:17:27,363 --> 00:17:29,367
[Audience murmuring]
479
00:17:29,368 --> 00:17:34,358
Now, out of respect
and fairness for my sanity,
480
00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:37,972
brothers and sisters,
I've left this part of the show
481
00:17:38,512 --> 00:17:41,775
- for your apology.
- [Audience murmuring]
482
00:17:41,777 --> 00:17:43,677
Oh, he's not gonna apologize.
483
00:17:43,679 --> 00:17:45,946
If he said all those awful
things, he should.
484
00:17:45,948 --> 00:17:47,914
Delilah, please get out here.
485
00:17:48,517 --> 00:17:51,919
Are you gonna let this douchebag
disparage your father like this?
486
00:17:51,921 --> 00:17:53,087
Woman: You're the douchebag!
487
00:17:53,089 --> 00:17:54,701
[Audience murmuring] Shut up!
488
00:17:54,702 --> 00:17:56,294
You all know this kid is lying.
489
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:57,999
Delilah, speak.
490
00:18:02,170 --> 00:18:03,364
Delilah, now!
491
00:18:03,365 --> 00:18:05,586
Okay, okay, I guess I
should say something.
492
00:18:05,587 --> 00:18:12,239
I, um... I think I should just
maybe formally apologize to you,
493
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,701
Mason... Massan,
if I offended you in any way.
494
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,368
- Wow.
- [Applause]
495
00:18:18,369 --> 00:18:20,707
- What are you doing?
- I am choosing to support our daughter.
496
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,317
- She likes him. What am I gonna do?
- Well, she shouldn't.
497
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:24,569
I know she shouldn't,
but she does, okay,
498
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:25,720
and I don't want to push her away.
499
00:18:25,721 --> 00:18:27,126
Ha. No, no, no.
500
00:18:27,127 --> 00:18:29,778
That's not enough. Is it, folks?
501
00:18:29,779 --> 00:18:30,946
Audience: No!
502
00:18:30,947 --> 00:18:32,995
No, because he called you "Tora Bora."
503
00:18:32,996 --> 00:18:36,535
[Audience murmuring]
504
00:18:36,537 --> 00:18:37,800
I didn't, but okay. All right.
505
00:18:37,801 --> 00:18:40,484
[Inhales sharply]
You're right, you know?
506
00:18:40,485 --> 00:18:42,898
We... We, uh... We can do
better. I can do better.
507
00:18:42,899 --> 00:18:44,463
We can all do better, right?
508
00:18:44,928 --> 00:18:49,104
And, uh, Mason... Massan, next
time you drive over to my house
509
00:18:49,105 --> 00:18:51,077
on your bicycle,
510
00:18:51,847 --> 00:18:53,330
I will definitely not refer to you
511
00:18:53,331 --> 00:18:55,788
as a remote mountainous
region in Afghanistan.
512
00:18:55,789 --> 00:18:57,498
- Oh, my God, you...
- Shh.
513
00:18:58,893 --> 00:19:00,532
Look at that.
514
00:19:01,459 --> 00:19:06,786
- Boom goes the dynamite!
- [Hip-hop music plays]
515
00:19:06,787 --> 00:19:10,047
And there's my mark,
you lonely, dopey fool.
516
00:19:10,048 --> 00:19:12,472
Your love for your family
will be your downfall.
517
00:19:13,341 --> 00:19:14,850
What are you, a snowflake?
518
00:19:14,851 --> 00:19:16,410
You're a sweet little snowflake?
519
00:19:16,411 --> 00:19:17,543
You keep your mouth shut now?
520
00:19:17,544 --> 00:19:20,282
Just a joke! Just confetti!
521
00:19:23,161 --> 00:19:25,254
? ...on the mic, make it sound... ?
522
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:28,777
Oh, my, the game is tied 5-5,
523
00:19:28,778 --> 00:19:32,342
10 seconds left on the clock,
and The Great One has the puck.
524
00:19:32,343 --> 00:19:34,176
Look out! 3 seconds left! Shoot!
525
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,281
2 seconds left! Shoot it in!
526
00:19:36,282 --> 00:19:37,885
One second left! Shoot!
527
00:19:37,887 --> 00:19:40,037
Here we go! Half-second left!
528
00:19:40,038 --> 00:19:42,054
Quarter-second! [Indistinct]
529
00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:45,593
Oh, my! Clear the track!
530
00:19:45,595 --> 00:19:48,092
Here comes Kumaglak!
531
00:19:48,093 --> 00:19:49,897
[Exhales heavily]
532
00:19:49,899 --> 00:19:51,465
Looking good, Coach.
533
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,808
- Hey.
- Hey.
534
00:19:54,904 --> 00:19:56,001
Do I know you?
535
00:19:57,416 --> 00:19:59,857
Oh, hey. Did you guys
just move in next door?
536
00:20:00,543 --> 00:20:02,876
I think I just have one of those faces.
537
00:20:02,878 --> 00:20:04,491
Mm, no, I think I know you.
538
00:20:04,914 --> 00:20:06,438
The bar the other night.
You were looking for me.
539
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:10,879
I was. I heard that you needed
some help, uh, coaching.
540
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,834
- You heard that.
- Yeah, I heard it.
541
00:20:12,835 --> 00:20:15,601
What makes you think
that I need help coaching?
542
00:20:19,072 --> 00:20:20,594
I mean, I could probably
use a little help.
543
00:20:20,596 --> 00:20:22,170
Can you open a bench door?
544
00:20:22,171 --> 00:20:23,260
Mm, I think so.
545
00:20:26,618 --> 00:20:28,431
- Okay. You're hired.
- [Chuckles]
546
00:20:29,772 --> 00:20:31,618
Just make sure you wear pants, okay?
547
00:20:31,619 --> 00:20:32,940
- Pants. Got it.
- It's cold in here.
548
00:20:32,942 --> 00:20:34,174
- [Chuckles]
- [Whistle blows]
549
00:20:34,176 --> 00:20:36,199
Let's go. She shoots. She scores.
550
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,715
Whoa! Ugh!
551
00:20:38,848 --> 00:20:39,693
[Groans]
552
00:20:40,416 --> 00:20:41,557
You can skate, right?
553
00:20:41,558 --> 00:20:43,921
Oh. With skates on? Yeah.
554
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:45,930
- Yeah, for sure.
- Okay, great.
555
00:20:45,931 --> 00:20:47,516
Okay. Get off the ice.
556
00:20:47,517 --> 00:20:48,989
- [Whistle blows]
- Okay. Yep.
557
00:20:48,991 --> 00:20:51,458
I can see your underwear. It's blue.
558
00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,965
- [Whistle blows]
- Let's get some! Come on!
559
00:20:54,015 --> 00:20:58,565
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