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J.R. Jack Randall,
father of Robin Randall.
2
00:00:04,088 --> 00:00:07,825
Number three on the USPIS
most-wanted list. The Big Tuna.
3
00:00:07,826 --> 00:00:10,961
He has broken more mail and
custom laws than anyone alive.
4
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Well, except for number one and two.
5
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The man that has the means to set up
6
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a bogus operation like this.
7
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I still don't see
how you didn't figure that out.
8
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She told you. I'm an idiot.
9
00:00:21,139 --> 00:00:23,106
Look, if you want J.R.,
just bring him in here.
10
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Leave us out of it.
He's got nothing to do with us.
11
00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:27,377
[Scoffs] Well,
that's not true, is it, Robin?
12
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You know someone
who's been working with him
13
00:00:29,247 --> 00:00:31,783
from the beginning, don't you?
14
00:00:34,017 --> 00:00:37,053
_
15
00:00:39,022 --> 00:00:41,557
I-I know I missed your birthday,
Gummy Bear,
16
00:00:41,558 --> 00:00:44,927
but Daddy had a little run-in
with the law.
17
00:00:44,928 --> 00:00:47,095
Here, this'll make it up to you.
18
00:00:47,096 --> 00:00:50,700
This used to belong
to a famous Austrian princess.
19
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_
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00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:54,982
[Sighs]
21
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_
22
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_
23
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She's always be a princess to me.
24
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_
25
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_
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_
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_
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_
29
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_
30
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_
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_
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_
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Ah.
34
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Why are we hiding these pretty diamonds?
35
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You tell me, Gummy Bear.
36
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I paid for this crown
with my hard-earned money.
37
00:01:36,256 --> 00:01:39,448
But the U.S. government
says I can't bring it home
38
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unless I pay them
something called a duty.
39
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Duty. What does that sound like?
40
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- Poo?
- Use your grown-up words.
41
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- Shit?
- That's it.
42
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It's shit.
43
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Why should I give 15% of what I paid
44
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to a bunch of guys who don't
work half as hard as your daddy?
45
00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:58,734
- Does that seem right?
- I guess not.
46
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Exactly. It's just
a great big pile of doody.
47
00:02:02,005 --> 00:02:05,240
48
00:02:05,241 --> 00:02:06,842
Hey, there, Gummy Bear.
49
00:02:06,843 --> 00:02:09,145
- Why are you back?
- You're in trouble.
50
00:02:09,979 --> 00:02:12,681
Somewhere behind the skyline
51
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There is a place I'm thinkin'
52
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[Distorted music plays]
53
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Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com
54
00:02:21,190 --> 00:02:24,560
[Playing "Mary Had
a Little Lamb" off-key]
55
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They seem pretty thick.
Are you sure you can break them?
56
00:02:35,338 --> 00:02:37,739
I can if I believe.
57
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,542
How the hell can the shit show
be here and not Mom?
58
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This is a new low.
Where the hell is she?
59
00:02:42,645 --> 00:02:45,414
I don't know. I texted her,
but she didn't respond.
60
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:46,948
- Call her.
- Oh, uh,
61
00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:49,584
I deleted the phone
off my phone, for more games.
62
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Delilah, are you ready?
63
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,580
Do I look like I'm ready?
64
00:02:53,489 --> 00:02:54,956
- Um...
- I'm not!
65
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How can I be the Princess
Ninja Starfish of Weird
66
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without my crown?!
67
00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:59,528
Why are you back? Why now?
68
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Are you sick? Are you dying?
69
00:03:01,564 --> 00:03:03,632
- They're watching you.
- Who?
70
00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:05,467
Goddamn Postal Inspection Service,
71
00:03:05,468 --> 00:03:06,835
- that's who.
- Oh, my...
72
00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:08,337
- They know where you live.
- Oh, really?
73
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The post office has my address?
Wow. Color me shocked, Jack.
74
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I don't have time for this.
75
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What time is it?
76
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What? It's...
77
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Wait. No.
78
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Da... Wai... That's my phone!
79
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I told you. People. Listening.
80
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Here. For a new one.
81
00:03:24,978 --> 00:03:27,501
- Get one of the pre-paid jobs.
- No. I don't want your money.
82
00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:29,858
You keep acting like this,
you're gonna wind up in jail.
83
00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:32,494
I have been clean for 14 years, okay?
84
00:03:32,495 --> 00:03:33,962
Now, I have to go
to my daughter's school
85
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and watch her stupid talent show.
86
00:03:36,068 --> 00:03:37,599
But I guess that's something
you wouldn't understand,
87
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because it's a good-parent thing.
88
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You were never in a talent show.
89
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Never had any talent.
90
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[Plays recorder]
91
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Love you, Beth!
92
00:03:50,179 --> 00:03:53,749
Okay. Next up... Next up,
we have Delilah,
93
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A.K.A. Princess Ninja Starfish of Weird.
94
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Whoo!
95
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Where's your crown, Princess?
96
00:04:11,734 --> 00:04:13,369
- [Grunts]
- [Feedback]
97
00:04:13,372 --> 00:04:15,438
Oy.
98
00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:21,243
A-one, a-two, a-three, four.
99
00:04:21,244 --> 00:04:23,011
[Tapping]
100
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:27,349
It's fun being weird,
it's fine being weird
101
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It's fun being weird
102
00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:31,373
You should try it sometime
103
00:04:31,413 --> 00:04:32,712
[Kazoo playing]
104
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,985
It's fun being weird,
you should try it sometime
105
00:04:38,651 --> 00:04:40,920
Juggling or even some mime
106
00:04:40,921 --> 00:04:45,262
You know what's even weirder?
I'll give you a refresher
107
00:04:45,263 --> 00:04:50,797
Something that helps
reduce high blood pressure
108
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- So weird.
- Yeah.
109
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It's farting.
110
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What? Don't frown, it just went down
111
00:05:02,411 --> 00:05:06,766
It's illegal to call your kid
something stupid in China
112
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:11,271
And girl kangaroos
have three vaginas
113
00:05:11,272 --> 00:05:15,051
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark
114
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Which is weird,
'cause he invented the spark
115
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He invented the light bulb, idiot!
116
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That doesn't rhyme with "dark,"
does it, Jonah?!
117
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God. Such a douche.
118
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My brother wears orthotics
119
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And I accept him
120
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No, I don't.
121
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And he accepts me
for my deviated septum
122
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I don't have many friends,
and I don't win awards
123
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But I'm cool with that 'cause
124
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I can break boards
125
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Boards!!
126
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Hurry up!
127
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Aah!
128
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- [Laughs]
- You suck!
129
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It's 'cause I don't have
my goddamn crown, okay?
130
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[Laughter]
131
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[Yelling]
132
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Get off the goddamn stage!
133
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[Continues yelling]
134
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Don't look at me!
135
00:06:10,933 --> 00:06:11,985
I've had just about
enough of you today...
136
00:06:11,986 --> 00:06:13,306
I've had enough of you for a lifetime.
137
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Everything I did in my life was for you.
138
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I was your mule.
139
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Oh, six times, tops.
140
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And then you made me a child bride.
141
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,653
You were 16. That's hardly a child.
142
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- Yeah, but who does that?
- Half the world.
143
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It's not like you were their real wife.
144
00:06:26,192 --> 00:06:27,783
It was just free money
to pay for college.
145
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Why couldn't you be
a father who made bad puns
146
00:06:30,664 --> 00:06:33,085
and had slightly racist ways of
saying not-that-racist things?
147
00:06:33,086 --> 00:06:34,898
Why couldn't you just be normal?
148
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[Scoffs]
149
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Normalcy is a quixotic pursuit.
150
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- What?
- Have you been talking to Nate?
151
00:06:42,622 --> 00:06:44,071
- Who?
- My husband.
152
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Which one? You have so many.
153
00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:47,555
And that's your fault, not mine.
154
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Nobody else uses that word.
155
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[Sighs]
156
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- Sweetie, I have your crown.
- [Crown clatters]
157
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Missing your own kid's talent show
158
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is about the worst thing
you can do as a parent!
159
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,418
I know you're upset,
but it's not that sim...
160
00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:02,286
I'm s... I'm just...
I'm so sorry, honey.
161
00:07:02,287 --> 00:07:03,714
How did you do?
Did you break the boards?
162
00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:05,780
I broke my [bleep] hands!
163
00:07:06,119 --> 00:07:08,005
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
164
00:07:08,311 --> 00:07:10,021
Don't ever talk to me again.
165
00:07:11,755 --> 00:07:12,958
Sweetie, uh...
166
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It's okay. She just needs to fart.
167
00:07:14,418 --> 00:07:15,639
It lowers her cholesterol.
168
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,101
Or blood pressure. I-I'm not sure.
169
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She's weird.
170
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,545
J.R.! Hey, man!
171
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- How do you know him?
- I-It's... He's Dad's boss.
172
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- You son of a bitch.
- Relax, Gummy Bear.
173
00:07:27,152 --> 00:07:28,694
- A grandfather has the right to get...
- No, no! No.
174
00:07:28,695 --> 00:07:30,483
- Shut your mouth right now.
- Grandfather?
175
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,207
Where's your dad?
176
00:07:31,209 --> 00:07:32,949
Well, he had some work
stuff to figure out.
177
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Okay. G-Go get your sister and go home.
178
00:07:34,526 --> 00:07:36,329
I'll be home soon. All right? Go.
179
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,555
Go. Go. Wait, hold on.
180
00:07:37,556 --> 00:07:39,537
I need your phone. I need your phone.
181
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Go.
182
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,246
No, wait. Sweetie, where's
the phone on your phone?
183
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I didn't know how else to do it.
184
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,249
You were struggling, you had nothing,
185
00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:48,717
and you wouldn't take my money.
186
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:51,170
Uh, well, we still have nothing,
because it was all fake.
187
00:07:51,233 --> 00:07:52,080
Listen to me.
188
00:07:52,509 --> 00:07:53,788
- I'm leaving.
- Good.
189
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Tonight. For good.
190
00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:57,359
And if you were smart,
you'd come with me.
191
00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,096
- Get the ass, and we'll fly to Cu...
- Hold on. Hold on. What?
192
00:08:00,099 --> 00:08:01,796
The ass. Let me take it, keep it safe.
193
00:08:01,797 --> 00:08:05,133
Oh, finally. Thank you.
Now I know what you really want.
194
00:08:05,134 --> 00:08:06,775
Oh, no, no. You don't understand.
195
00:08:06,791 --> 00:08:08,072
- I-I have...
- I'm going to the police.
196
00:08:08,073 --> 00:08:10,238
- The police aren't after me.
- Okay, the mail police.
197
00:08:10,239 --> 00:08:12,407
Don't be stupid. You'll just
be opening yourself up
198
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,221
to a whole series of federal charges.
199
00:08:14,222 --> 00:08:15,016
Like what?
200
00:08:15,391 --> 00:08:17,141
Customs violations.
201
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,580
Tax evasion.
202
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,495
War profiteering. It's a long list.
203
00:08:20,574 --> 00:08:21,750
But I don't do that stuff anymore.
204
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,119
- Possession of stolen property?
- No, you stole it.
205
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,809
You have it.
You don't want to go to jail.
206
00:08:27,630 --> 00:08:29,491
Well, if that's what it's gonna take
to get you out of my life forever,
207
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:30,830
then that's fine. That's what I'll do.
208
00:08:30,831 --> 00:08:32,494
- I won't let you do that.
- Well, you can't stop me.
209
00:08:32,495 --> 00:08:34,496
Listen to me. I'm your father.
210
00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:37,032
You know what? Why don't you
talk to one of your kids
211
00:08:37,033 --> 00:08:38,405
who actually gives a shit?
212
00:08:39,201 --> 00:08:40,535
Oh, look. There's one now.
213
00:08:40,536 --> 00:08:42,871
She could use your
attention and your money.
214
00:08:42,872 --> 00:08:46,409
Hey, Vanessa. This asshole
has something to say to you.
215
00:08:48,531 --> 00:08:49,277
Yes?
216
00:08:59,255 --> 00:09:00,969
You should zip up your jacket.
217
00:09:03,159 --> 00:09:04,941
Makes you look like a hooker.
218
00:09:13,331 --> 00:09:15,787
- Hey! Come on, hold up.
- Get away from me.
219
00:09:16,286 --> 00:09:17,971
[Scoffs] I wanted to tell you.
220
00:09:18,026 --> 00:09:19,199
You know, I'm used to this shit,
221
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,638
but poor Nate.
How could you do this to him?
222
00:09:21,888 --> 00:09:23,026
I was gonna tell him.
223
00:09:23,143 --> 00:09:24,957
My husband has one
of the most analytical minds
224
00:09:24,958 --> 00:09:27,438
I have ever seen. Trust me.
He's already figured it out.
225
00:09:27,439 --> 00:09:28,690
Nothing gets past him.
226
00:09:28,691 --> 00:09:32,030
I just don't get it. I don't.
227
00:09:32,031 --> 00:09:35,033
- What... What am I gonna do?
- What am I gonna do, Shelly?
228
00:09:35,034 --> 00:09:37,869
Come on, guys. We all knew this
was a bullshit business, right?
229
00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:40,272
- I didn't.
- It's called "Hoax-a-metrics."
230
00:09:40,273 --> 00:09:42,975
It's called H2... Oh, shit.
How did I miss that?
231
00:09:42,976 --> 00:09:44,943
I was the manager of worldwide shipping.
232
00:09:44,944 --> 00:09:46,990
- I never shipped anything.
- Yeah, I didn't do too much, either.
233
00:09:46,991 --> 00:09:48,780
I was home by 3:00 p.m. every day.
234
00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:50,203
So was I, and I took a three-hour lunch.
235
00:09:50,204 --> 00:09:51,368
My phone never worked.
236
00:09:51,369 --> 00:09:53,552
My computer wasn't even plugged in.
237
00:09:53,553 --> 00:09:56,555
God! For someone to manage
this big an operation
238
00:09:56,556 --> 00:09:58,499
at the amount of returns he had,
239
00:09:58,754 --> 00:10:00,006
that... that is...
240
00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:02,988
That's quixotic.
241
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,841
Well... I'm gonna go home.
242
00:10:07,068 --> 00:10:08,717
Got to spend some time with my kids.
243
00:10:08,718 --> 00:10:11,536
I had a kid. His name was...
244
00:10:11,537 --> 00:10:13,091
[Voice breaking] ...Bruce.
245
00:10:13,207 --> 00:10:14,659
We're not seeing our kids.
246
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:16,126
[Crying] I know!
247
00:10:16,127 --> 00:10:17,944
No, no. I... That's not what I meant.
248
00:10:17,945 --> 00:10:19,791
I-I-I mean we're gonna stay here,
249
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:21,653
and we're gonna figure this shit out.
250
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,889
Together.
251
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:24,824
All right? As a team.
252
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,284
- [Shelly whimpering]
- Okay.
253
00:10:26,285 --> 00:10:27,019
Okay?
254
00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:28,128
255
00:10:28,130 --> 00:10:29,629
_
256
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:32,465
[Grunts] Look. Right now, we
got to start with what we know,
257
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:35,602
and that ain't a hell of a lot.
So every theory is on the table.
258
00:10:36,247 --> 00:10:37,733
You know, when J.R. was in the office,
259
00:10:37,749 --> 00:10:39,257
he was always arguing in Chinese.
260
00:10:39,258 --> 00:10:40,851
- He was.
- O-Or... Or in Spanish.
261
00:10:40,852 --> 00:10:42,587
- That, too.
- One time, I swear it was Wookie.
262
00:10:42,588 --> 00:10:43,995
Okay, get real.
He's not a [bleep] space ape.
263
00:10:43,996 --> 00:10:46,172
All I'm saying is that
this is a pretty big universe.
264
00:10:46,173 --> 00:10:48,359
And if every theory's on the table...
265
00:10:48,361 --> 00:10:50,534
_
266
00:10:50,535 --> 00:10:53,565
267
00:10:54,542 --> 00:10:55,854
[Belches]
268
00:10:56,772 --> 00:10:58,907
Look, no money in.
269
00:10:58,979 --> 00:11:00,056
Lots of money out.
270
00:11:01,248 --> 00:11:02,770
He is being challenged
271
00:11:02,883 --> 00:11:06,118
by a wealthy, deceased relative
to spend a shit-ton of money.
272
00:11:07,512 --> 00:11:09,513
We got ourselves
a "Brewster's Millions."
273
00:11:09,514 --> 00:11:10,715
Why the Chinese?
274
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:11,853
Damn it!
275
00:11:13,658 --> 00:11:14,435
China!
276
00:11:15,721 --> 00:11:16,855
[Dart stabbing]
277
00:11:16,857 --> 00:11:18,444
China!
278
00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,188
They're our new enemies!
279
00:11:20,290 --> 00:11:23,350
Bro, can we play darts?
On the dart board?
280
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:24,740
What'd you say?
281
00:11:25,030 --> 00:11:27,756
Can we play darts on the dart board?
282
00:11:28,346 --> 00:11:29,480
Darts?
283
00:11:29,536 --> 00:11:32,137
- Yeah.
- Darts.
284
00:11:32,388 --> 00:11:34,989
Yeah, me and my buddy
Bruce like to play darts.
285
00:11:35,291 --> 00:11:37,398
[Shelly whimpering]
286
00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:38,516
Bruce...
287
00:11:39,711 --> 00:11:41,350
How can you think about darts
288
00:11:41,466 --> 00:11:43,267
when that is happening?
289
00:11:43,322 --> 00:11:44,720
We just like to play darts.
290
00:11:46,318 --> 00:11:47,811
W-Why are you so mad?
291
00:11:49,245 --> 00:11:50,232
Go ahead, man.
292
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:51,408
What?
293
00:11:52,975 --> 00:11:54,125
_
You don't get it, Mike, okay?
294
00:11:54,127 --> 00:11:56,302
I been... I've been with him
for three months, okay?
295
00:11:56,318 --> 00:11:58,849
And... And the one thing
he says, family is everything.
296
00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:00,944
Family is important. And I know that.
297
00:12:00,961 --> 00:12:03,481
But I don't think it's that kind of
family, all right? I know that world.
298
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,439
I've seen "Goodfellas"
like a hundred times.
299
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,585
I didn't say Italian Mafia.
I said a Mafia.
300
00:12:08,664 --> 00:12:10,511
Could be Yakuza. He speaks Chinese!
301
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,545
- Yakuza.
- Yeah.
302
00:12:11,546 --> 00:12:13,580
- That's China!
- Guys, look at this.
303
00:12:13,581 --> 00:12:15,783
The guy who registered our domain name,
304
00:12:15,784 --> 00:12:16,850
he lives 6 blocks away.
305
00:12:16,851 --> 00:12:18,819
Ari Voo... Voo... Voo... V...
306
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:21,355
Shelly, you're in H.R.
How do you pronounce that name?
307
00:12:21,356 --> 00:12:23,331
Sh-Shel... What is that name?
308
00:12:23,379 --> 00:12:25,141
- Russians.
- He's got to know something.
309
00:12:25,156 --> 00:12:26,043
They always do.
310
00:12:26,044 --> 00:12:28,162
Everything bad starts in Russia.
311
00:12:28,163 --> 00:12:30,130
- You're right.
- We should go.
312
00:12:30,131 --> 00:12:32,161
- I hate these guys.
- We should go.
313
00:12:32,193 --> 00:12:33,600
- Let's go.
- Let's go!
314
00:12:33,601 --> 00:12:36,170
_
315
00:12:36,171 --> 00:12:38,038
Here it is. Here it is.
316
00:12:38,039 --> 00:12:39,740
Here it is.
317
00:12:39,741 --> 00:12:41,175
Ari Voo... Voo...
318
00:12:41,176 --> 00:12:43,477
Ari Voo... Voo... Voo...
What is his name?
319
00:12:43,478 --> 00:12:45,576
We have answers! We want questions!
320
00:12:45,686 --> 00:12:47,481
- Who do you work for?!
- Ari!
321
00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:49,216
What the hell is going on out here?
322
00:12:49,217 --> 00:12:50,537
- You Ari?
- Yeah.
323
00:12:50,928 --> 00:12:52,084
- You're Ari?
- Yes.
324
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:54,836
- Okay, what are you?
- I'm a web developer. Why?
325
00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:57,141
- This guy's ISIS.
- [Stammers]
326
00:12:57,307 --> 00:12:58,674
I'm Greek, you moron.
327
00:12:58,864 --> 00:12:59,712
- Yeah.
- [Cellphone rings]
328
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,574
Hold on. Hold on, I'm getting a call.
329
00:13:01,769 --> 00:13:03,146
This could be J.R. Hold on.
330
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:04,493
J.R. You're...
331
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,480
Babe? Yeah...
332
00:13:06,816 --> 00:13:08,845
No, I got... I got... No.
I got something to tell you.
333
00:13:08,846 --> 00:13:10,709
- I got...
- [Men grunting]
334
00:13:10,712 --> 00:13:11,624
[Stammers]
335
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,287
Wait, wait. What number is this?
336
00:13:13,288 --> 00:13:14,769
What do you mean a burner?
337
00:13:14,770 --> 00:13:16,924
This is for Bruce!
338
00:13:17,612 --> 00:13:19,311
No, he's my boss. That's not...
339
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:20,985
[Men grunting, shouting]
340
00:13:20,986 --> 00:13:23,369
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
341
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,784
Stop throwing garbage!
342
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,642
Hey, guys, go easy, okay? Uh...
343
00:13:28,048 --> 00:13:29,027
I may have been wrong.
344
00:13:29,027 --> 00:13:29,758
ISIS!
345
00:13:34,765 --> 00:13:36,534
- So, he's really...
- Yeah.
346
00:13:39,036 --> 00:13:40,817
- But how did he...
- I don't know.
347
00:13:41,615 --> 00:13:42,939
I... I mean, it's diabolical.
348
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:45,308
Yeah. He's always done
this kind of shit.
349
00:13:45,309 --> 00:13:46,843
[Sighs]
350
00:13:46,844 --> 00:13:48,979
So, none of this was real?
351
00:13:56,287 --> 00:13:57,075
Ah...
352
00:13:57,955 --> 00:14:00,423
We should go. We're gonna miss our ride.
353
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:03,460
What? We're gonna take a tour bus home?
354
00:14:03,461 --> 00:14:05,962
Yeah, I'm sorry. Do you want
to take the subway home,
355
00:14:05,963 --> 00:14:08,098
like a rat? People belong above ground.
356
00:14:08,099 --> 00:14:09,999
Okay. Let's take a cab, then.
357
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,135
I don't have a job.
We can't afford a cab.
358
00:14:12,136 --> 00:14:13,937
That is gonna be way more expensive.
359
00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:16,602
I bought a season pass
when I got here, okay?
360
00:14:16,604 --> 00:14:17,152
You did?
361
00:14:17,153 --> 00:14:19,342
What do you think, I'm an idiot?
362
00:14:19,343 --> 00:14:22,078
Besides, it goes right by our house.
363
00:14:22,079 --> 00:14:23,560
That's so smart.
364
00:14:26,117 --> 00:14:28,794
Your husband has some good ideas.
365
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:31,387
So, where do you think your dad is now?
366
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:33,690
He's probably on a flight
to another country.
367
00:14:33,691 --> 00:14:35,431
[Lock clicks]
368
00:14:36,472 --> 00:14:37,773
- Hola.
- Hey.
369
00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:39,362
My dad's not here right now.
370
00:14:39,363 --> 00:14:41,164
- I know that.
- How do you know?
371
00:14:41,165 --> 00:14:42,699
I track him on my phone.
372
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,980
- That's creepy.
- For business purposes.
373
00:14:46,837 --> 00:14:48,071
May I come in?
374
00:14:48,072 --> 00:14:49,873
My parents didn't say you were coming.
375
00:14:49,874 --> 00:14:51,775
Do your parents tell you everything?
376
00:14:51,776 --> 00:14:53,743
No. They don't tell us anything.
377
00:14:53,744 --> 00:14:55,234
Ah. They really should.
378
00:14:55,746 --> 00:14:57,605
Mom said not to let anyone in.
379
00:14:58,916 --> 00:15:00,364
She can parent us when she's here.
380
00:15:00,365 --> 00:15:01,415
I'm in charge.
381
00:15:02,219 --> 00:15:05,455
- A-Are you...
- Our dad's boss? Yes.
382
00:15:05,456 --> 00:15:07,590
No. Are... Are you really our...
383
00:15:07,591 --> 00:15:10,059
Our dad's boss? Yes, dummy!
384
00:15:10,060 --> 00:15:12,148
Oh, I'm a lot more than that.
385
00:15:12,830 --> 00:15:16,966
Tour Guide: Fun fact, on your left
was the Jefferson Market prison,
386
00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:19,335
the world's only art deco prison.
387
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:22,472
It was later converted
into a prison for women.
388
00:15:22,473 --> 00:15:24,007
You really want to go to jail?
389
00:15:24,008 --> 00:15:25,675
No, honey, I don't want to go to jail.
390
00:15:25,676 --> 00:15:28,044
- But I might have to.
- There's got to be another way.
391
00:15:28,045 --> 00:15:29,279
There's not.
392
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,882
[Plastic crinkling]
393
00:15:32,883 --> 00:15:35,218
- For you.
- Where'd you get that?
394
00:15:35,219 --> 00:15:36,890
Thought it would dull the pain.
395
00:15:38,189 --> 00:15:39,222
It does.
396
00:15:39,223 --> 00:15:40,356
[Can pops]
397
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,559
Hey, so what's the deal with that ass?
398
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:43,163
Oh.
399
00:15:43,861 --> 00:15:45,400
Yeah. I can't tell you.
400
00:15:47,865 --> 00:15:48,247
Okay.
401
00:15:48,769 --> 00:15:50,520
What? You're fine with that?
402
00:15:51,168 --> 00:15:54,904
I'm assuming if you tell me, it's
gonna incriminate me in some way.
403
00:15:54,905 --> 00:15:56,272
And one of us has got to be a parent.
404
00:15:56,273 --> 00:15:58,074
- Yeah.
- And unlike you,
405
00:15:58,075 --> 00:15:59,767
I'm fine not knowing things.
406
00:16:12,122 --> 00:16:13,423
[Whispering] What's he doing?
407
00:16:13,424 --> 00:16:14,885
[Whispering] I don't know.
408
00:16:15,922 --> 00:16:16,892
Bastards.
409
00:16:28,879 --> 00:16:30,646
[Clears throat] So, um...
410
00:16:30,647 --> 00:16:33,349
Have either of you guys
seen a rusty metal thing
411
00:16:33,350 --> 00:16:35,785
about, uh, yea big, weighs a shit-ton?
412
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:36,853
Yes.
413
00:16:36,854 --> 00:16:38,988
- Oh, so you know it?
- Y-Yeah.
414
00:16:38,989 --> 00:16:40,189
Where is it?
415
00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:41,991
I-It's somewhere, h-here.
416
00:16:41,992 --> 00:16:43,553
You want to give me a hint?
417
00:16:45,495 --> 00:16:47,363
- Up ahead of us...
- Cheers.
418
00:16:47,364 --> 00:16:51,234
Above on the left,
the Chrysler Building.
419
00:16:51,235 --> 00:16:52,802
Last possible night
with your ride-or-die.
420
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:53,454
Yeah.
421
00:16:53,456 --> 00:16:55,406
What do you want to do?
You want to get a hotel?
422
00:16:55,408 --> 00:16:58,040
- Walrus up on top of this?
- So expensive.
423
00:16:58,041 --> 00:16:59,408
No. I don't have a job.
424
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,477
What if I offer you the back door?
425
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:01,955
What?
426
00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:04,881
- What?
- Just no. I...
427
00:17:04,882 --> 00:17:06,390
- It's clean.
- I'm sure it is.
428
00:17:06,406 --> 00:17:07,929
I'm fine with the front door.
429
00:17:09,152 --> 00:17:11,020
What if we try a threesome?
430
00:17:11,021 --> 00:17:12,555
Come on. With who?
431
00:17:12,556 --> 00:17:14,582
I don't know. Some dumb, cute girl.
432
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:19,228
Really? Some random stranger
on a bus? That'd be awkward.
433
00:17:19,229 --> 00:17:20,563
No, it's actually really easy now.
434
00:17:20,564 --> 00:17:22,266
- [Scoffing] It's not. Trust me.
- Watch this.
435
00:17:22,269 --> 00:17:24,567
Excuse me? Hi. Um...
436
00:17:24,568 --> 00:17:26,369
Do you think my husband's hot?
437
00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:28,471
He's okay. Like, uncle hot.
438
00:17:28,472 --> 00:17:30,439
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, what?
439
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,375
Yeah, you know, like, golf hot.
440
00:17:32,376 --> 00:17:33,565
Golf hot? That's...
441
00:17:34,948 --> 00:17:35,978
That's not hot.
442
00:17:35,979 --> 00:17:38,481
- See? It's already awkward.
- No, it's going really well.
443
00:17:38,482 --> 00:17:40,950
Um, my husband and I love your jeans.
444
00:17:40,951 --> 00:17:42,218
Thanks.
445
00:17:42,219 --> 00:17:44,145
You guys looking for a threesome?
446
00:17:45,122 --> 00:17:47,054
- Holy shit. It's that easy?
- So easy.
447
00:17:47,070 --> 00:17:48,257
How did you know it was that easy?
448
00:17:48,258 --> 00:17:50,660
- Mom blogs.
- You guys have a nice hotel?
449
00:17:50,661 --> 00:17:52,161
We're sleeping like five to a queen,
450
00:17:52,162 --> 00:17:53,329
so I could splinter off.
451
00:17:53,330 --> 00:17:55,064
- Can we do that?
- I...
452
00:17:55,065 --> 00:17:56,328
I-I would...
453
00:17:57,334 --> 00:17:59,936
- I would finish way too quickly.
- That's perfect.
454
00:17:59,937 --> 00:18:01,737
We got in the lottery
for that B. Frank show.
455
00:18:01,738 --> 00:18:03,843
- It's reinventing history.
- It's not.
456
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:04,832
It...
457
00:18:07,110 --> 00:18:08,644
I can't. I'm sorry. I can't.
458
00:18:08,645 --> 00:18:10,680
Then why did you compliment my jeans?
459
00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:13,282
- She did.
- I was being literal.
460
00:18:13,283 --> 00:18:14,483
Sorry. Sorry.
461
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:15,818
Well, they're great jeans.
462
00:18:15,819 --> 00:18:17,883
They are great jeans. I meant it.
463
00:18:19,589 --> 00:18:20,890
I just want you to remember
464
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,592
that you said no to that
forever and ever.
465
00:18:23,593 --> 00:18:25,395
Maybe sometime in the future we can...
466
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,196
Nope. No. It's now or never.
467
00:18:27,197 --> 00:18:28,497
I'm just not that horny
468
00:18:28,498 --> 00:18:30,950
thinking about losing
my best friend, all right?
469
00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:33,469
Maybe you'll find a new best friend.
470
00:18:33,470 --> 00:18:35,137
- I won't.
- You might.
471
00:18:35,138 --> 00:18:36,956
Start a new life, get a new wife.
472
00:18:38,308 --> 00:18:39,576
'Cause I'm a shit show.
473
00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:41,354
You certainly are.
474
00:18:43,113 --> 00:18:44,508
But you're my shit show.
475
00:18:45,115 --> 00:18:48,352
476
00:18:56,493 --> 00:18:59,261
We could just go home right now
477
00:18:59,262 --> 00:19:05,134
Or maybe we could stick around
for just one more drink
478
00:19:05,135 --> 00:19:06,725
Oh, yeah
479
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:11,207
Get another bottle out
480
00:19:11,208 --> 00:19:12,808
Let's shoot the shit
481
00:19:12,809 --> 00:19:17,113
Sit back down
for just one more drink
482
00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:19,749
Oh, yeah
483
00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:22,752
Here's to us, here's to love
484
00:19:22,753 --> 00:19:25,721
All the times that we messed up
485
00:19:25,722 --> 00:19:28,858
Here's to you, fill the glass
486
00:19:28,859 --> 00:19:32,228
'Cause the last few nights
have kicked my ass
487
00:19:32,229 --> 00:19:35,464
If they give ya hell
488
00:19:35,465 --> 00:19:37,466
Tell 'em go... themselves
489
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,403
Forget themselves
Here's to us
490
00:19:39,406 --> 00:19:40,836
Here's to us.
491
00:19:40,837 --> 00:19:42,304
Here's to us
492
00:19:42,305 --> 00:19:43,706
Here's to us
493
00:19:43,707 --> 00:19:46,675
Here's to us, here's to love
494
00:19:46,676 --> 00:19:48,278
Here's to us
495
00:19:48,279 --> 00:19:49,879
Wish everybody well
496
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,616
Here's to us
497
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:02,558
You know, you don't have to do this.
498
00:20:02,559 --> 00:20:03,318
I do.
499
00:20:04,108 --> 00:20:05,119
It's the only way.
500
00:20:06,419 --> 00:20:07,059
Okay.
501
00:20:07,787 --> 00:20:09,221
I just don't... How...
502
00:20:09,222 --> 00:20:10,855
How do I do this? What do I tell them?
503
00:20:10,856 --> 00:20:12,591
Just tell them the truth.
They can handle it.
504
00:20:12,592 --> 00:20:13,660
I know, but how do you say that?
505
00:20:13,661 --> 00:20:16,276
How do you say
your mother might not be around?
506
00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:20,808
Who's gonna teach Delilah how
to scare a boy into liking her?
507
00:20:21,469 --> 00:20:22,270
I can do that.
508
00:20:22,272 --> 00:20:24,319
What about Jared? What
if he realizes he's gay,
509
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,604
And I'm not there
to give him a great big hug
510
00:20:25,605 --> 00:20:27,872
and tell him it's what
every mother hopes for?
511
00:20:27,873 --> 00:20:28,740
- I don't think he's gay.
- I know.
512
00:20:28,741 --> 00:20:30,542
I'm just throwing things out there.
513
00:20:30,759 --> 00:20:31,881
I know. I...
514
00:20:32,494 --> 00:20:33,604
We'll do our best.
515
00:20:34,971 --> 00:20:36,452
Like we always do.
516
00:20:36,454 --> 00:20:38,856
[Elevator bell dings]
517
00:20:45,691 --> 00:20:47,960
You guys are gonna have a lot of fun.
518
00:20:49,444 --> 00:20:51,328
What, you don't believe me?
519
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,359
Come on. Would I lie to you?
520
00:21:22,161 --> 00:21:25,798
E ninja.
521
00:21:31,604 --> 00:21:35,707
Jump up, kick back
Whip around and spin
522
00:21:35,708 --> 00:21:38,843
Ninja, go Come on, come on, come on
523
00:21:38,844 --> 00:21:40,645
And do the weekend whip
524
00:21:40,646 --> 00:21:44,050
Jump up, kick back
Whip around and spin
525
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:48,650
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