Original subtitles

Okay, you know what?

I'm starting to lose my patience.

We got the results of your lie-detector test.

To the question "did you move to New York City?"

you answered "yes," which was truthful.

"Did you move here for a job?"

"Yes." Also truthful.

"Was the job dealing in illegal products?"

You answered "no," which was deceptive.

So, that's what you want us for? Selling water pills?

You know what we want.

I don't.

Then you are an even bigger idiot than I mistook you for.

And I thought he was a pretty big idiot.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, then turn your light off if somebody's in there!

God. I'm gonna be late for SoulCycle.

It's gonna be okay.

It's Amanda K.

She's the only one who plays the trop deep house I like.

- Then take Amanda J.'s class. - Amanda J.?

Amanda J. Just plays regular deep house.

Okay.

What are you doing? Are you praying?

- Hey. - Hm?

- [Laughing] Are you praying? - No.

It looked... It looked like you were praying.

- Why would I do that? - I don't know.

But if you weren't doing that, what were you doing?

I was just having a little faith that a cab will come along

and, uh, you know, putting some good vibes out there.

- To whom? - To anyone who's listening.

I don't know. The universe.

Nobody's listening.

Okay. Sure.

Ah.

What?

Oh, 'cause you...

That was luck.

All right. Call it what you want.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna call it luck.

Faith, luck... same thing.

Oh, is it the same thing?

Hold on just a second.

Last I checked, wars aren't fought in the name of luck.

Okay. Children aren't abused because of luck.

And I'm quite certain there's no such thing as organized luck.

Okay.

Have fun in Amanda J.'s class.

- Yeah, it's Amanda K. - Okay.

Hey, can't you just be appreciative

of how great our life is right now?

Three months ago, we were living in a trailer.

- You know what I did? - You got a job.

Yes, I know. But before that.

- I... - Don't you say it.

I prayed.

I prayed, and someone answered that prayer.

Someone's listening.

Did God set you up on Linkedln?

No, but I'm pretty sure I'm the first person

who's ever been hired by it.

Okay? That's a miracle.

That's probably true.

Bye.

- I'm praying for you. - Please don't.

- Tits up. - Bankrupt?

Perils of having entrepreneurial dreams

in an over-regulated economy.

What the hell are you doing, son?

Hm?

You're not praying, are you?

I thought I hired a thinking man,

not some child who still believes in fairy tales.

Come on, grow up.

Somewhere behind the skyline

There is a place I'm thinkin'

[Distorted music plays]

[Sighs] I can't go through this again.

It's too tough on my wife and my kids.

God, I just hired an assistant.

Here's your coffee, Mr. Parker.

Oh. Thank you, Isabel.

Time to fire her. Everyone, really.

Why me?

Because you're the boss.

T.G.I. Friday, bossman.

Historically speaking,

Friday is the best day to fire people.

Hey, boss. Closed on the condo.

Great.

I just want to thank you

for convincing me to pull the trigger.

Okay.

Okay.

You know, uh...

I-I feel like, for the first time

since I've lost my son,

that everything's coming up Shelly.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

- You're gonna be fine. - I don't want to be fine.

I want to be great, like I was 10 minutes ago.

Relax.

This is not the end of our relationship.

Look, I have a little hacienda down in Cuba.

I call it the Robin's Nest.

That's my wife's name.

Must be a sign!

Why don't you all come on down, kick back...

Look, I appreciate the offer, all right,

but I believe in this company, and I can save it.

Nate, it's over.

No! I have faith in this product, sir.

They're just water pills.

Give me the weekend, okay?

I have got a very promising lead.

If I can land him, he represents a lot of revenue.

We could probably stay afloat for seven, eight months, maybe.

I don't know.

- Sure. - Yes!

- Knock yourself out. - All right.

[Laughs] Yeah!

I'm gonna save the company.

Who does a business deal on a Sunday?

A lot of people do.

And in Brooklyn? That's asking a lot.

Guys, look, this is a really important

business deal for my company, okay?

So I need you all to act really cool, okay, really normal.

Why are you looking at me? I didn't say anything.

I'm just saying, no politics or religion or anything.

- Are they religious? - I don't think so.

But, you know, if they were, you know, no judgment.

[Vocalizing]

[Women harmonizing]

Dum, dum, dum

Dum, dum, dum

Lord, hear my prayer

- Some guys like Muhammad

- Oh, come on!

- Some girls like Buddha

- Shh!

Some look to L. Ron

I say coulda, shoulda, woulda

Say goodbye to your sons and your daughters

Say goodbye to them

Shush.

Hey, hey!

Welcome, Parkers.

Meet my lovely wife, Laura.

Hey. Good to see you, man. How are you?

- Laura, this is Nate. - G'day.

Oh, hey, hey. How are you?

It's good to see you. Good to meet you.

Mwah!

Jesus.

- It's Jesus

- That was...

- G'day. - G'day.

[Laughs]

How great is this place, huh?

Yeah, it's pretty great.

We just loved God, and He loved us right back,

and He gifted us with this.

A place to launder money.

[Laughs]

It's a joke. It's her sense of humor.

It's, uh... It's a little wry.

You know what I mean?

[Laughs]

So, is this the whole family, just the four of you?

Yeah, that's... How many do you guys have?

Oh, I don't count miracles.

But if I did, they'd be them.

[Harmonizing]

Jesus, Jesus

They're all... all yours? All five?

They seem so old.

When did you start having kids?

Uh, we had Naomi when I was 40.

Uh, how old is she?

She just had her 25th birthday.

What? Uh, you're 65?

Yeah, yeah.

Healthy living, dose of vitamin and supplements,

and three roots a day.

Hey!

Come on, love.

[Australian accent] I hear that, mate.

Don't you ever, ever do that in public again.

[Normal voice] I'm sorry.

- Don't do that. - I didn't... It was...

Can I hear amen?

[Indistinct conversations]

I love your dress.

So, how did you and Levi meet?

Believe it or not, it was actually an arranged marriage.

I do believe it.

How else do you preserve the master race, huh?

Exactly.

Oh, God.

Hey, mate! Quick question.

What's your bap status?

You know, your baptismal sitch?

Well, I'm a bastard, if that counts.

[Laughs]

So, um, no dunked under water,

"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," yada yada yada?

Oh, yeah. My mom said heaven's a lie

so people don't get scared.

- It's head down, mate. - Yeah, I... It is.

- Just relax. - Yeah, I'm relaxed.

Just breathe.

[Exhales sharply]

[Grunts]

Damn it.

That's not a drive.

It was a pretty good drive.

[Scoffs]

That's a drive.

Whoa. I don't think I can do that many.

Come on, Delilah. We believe in you.

You've just got to believe in yourself.

You guys are the nicest people I've ever met.

"Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

It's a pretty simple concept.

Now break!

[Exhales]

Hyah!

[Girls cheering]

Mom, did you see?! I broke seven boards!

Oh, honey, I think that's a trick.

They were probably scored.

Scored, schmored!

You were awesome!

So, do you get back to Australia much?

Not as much as we'd like.

We're busy flying on missions around the world.

Mm. First class, I assume.

We're actually blessed to have our own private jet.

Oh, my goodness. Just like Jesus.

Well, he didn't need to fly, now, did he?

Son of God and all.

So, listen, I hate to bring it up.

You're wondering if I'm gonna buy the supplements.

Yeah. Sorry.

Well, Nate, I'll tell you what.

I don't know if I want to do business

with people who might burn in hell

simply for making the wrong bet.

Oh, you're talking about Robin. Oh, no.

Well, she's got other great attributes.

You know, terrific mom, loving wife.

Yeah, it's not just Robin. It's the whole family.

Little wallaby told me that they haven't been baptized.

Uh, yeah. So... So what?

Little dunk in the pool and the deal is done.

By "deal" you mean, like...?

I've got almost 3 million followers in four continents,

all of whom could use some... What do you call them?

Water pills?

Yeah.

I think, uh, baptizing my kids could be fun.

And your wife.

Uh... sure.

[Cheers and applause]

Man: Everyone join the party!

Tell every soul you know

We are going 2.0

Upgrade your faith

- It's pretty good. - It's Bible for 2.0

Everyone is welcome, all your friends and foes

[Rapping] My pet peeve is not believin'

It's catchy.

Put your mind on the Jes and you can be achievin'

All that you want comes with admission

Even if you got beef with religion

People say it's pretty damn wack

That our savior was black

But it ain't intelligent

To think he don't have melanin

Forget about your likes or your brows on fleek

It's yours to inherit and share it with me

Upgrade your faith

It's Bible 2.0

I kind of like this, I got to admit.

- Hey, where are the kids? - Uh, in the playroom.

Churches translate the Bible, fill it with distortion

Not GD mention of abortion

They use it to repress or straight discriminate

Instead of speaking love, these fools are preaching hate

Yeah, God made Adam to be with Eve

But guess what, fam? We're cool with Adam and Steve

Not to mention Ali and Habib and Lee and Gandhi

Everyone join the party

Upgrade your faith

You know what I like?

Uh, it's... it's a really great sense of community.

Yeah, it's a community of brain-dead sheep,

- so that's cool. - Oh, my God!

Isn't there a middle ground where you can listen to NPR

and admit there's something bigger than yourself?

No.

You are a shaman, I say amen

We be jammin' with Jah

We all just players in this game

So don't throw shade on Allah

You got the spot upon your forehead

Or your Lord isn't white

Hey, about this business deal...

I got a pretty big favor to ask of you.

Okay.

You're not gonna like it.

We all just players in this game

So don't throw shade on Allah

You got the spot upon your forehead

Or your Lord isn't white

All of you atheists, we say know this

We still think you're tight

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah!

G'day, g'day.

Ah, gee, it's a good day!

It's a great day.

"G" is for good. "G" is for great.

"G" is for God!

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah!

Oh, baby!

I want you to turn to the person next to you and say, "G'day!"

G'day! G'day! G'day! G'day!

[Australian accent] G'day!

Don't. Your accent's terrible.

Yeah!

Now, tell that person that you're happy to see them.

I'm happy to see you!

I am glad...

I'm happy to see you.

Okay.

I'm so happy to see you.

I'm happy to see you, Mr. Parker.

Happy to see you, Mr. Parker.

Well, I'm happy to see you guys.

Even though I already saw you.

Still, it's great to be seen again.

It is, isn't it?

Oh, you can feel the love! Can you feel it?

[Audience cheers]

Can you smell it?

[Audience cheers]

All right. Let's not get too crazy.

Hey, why don't you give that special person next to you

a big ol' hug?

Oh, no, no, no. That's okay.

All right. Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe even a kiss.

[Cheers and applause]

Definitely no.

Oh, okay. Nothing wrong with that.

Innocent.

Mnh-mnh.

Ah, why not?

Levi: Amen! Yeah!

Made you feel left out.

[Girls giggle]

[Clears throat] What?

Now, folks, I want to bring

some special friends out on the stage here.

Would you please welcome Chad, Summer, Jess,

Delilah, and Jareb!

What?!

[Laughs]

I thought I had more time in the show.

- I was gonna tell you. - You are sacrificing

your children for the sake of business?

- They wanted to do it. - Oh, that is low.

Look at Delilah. Come on.

Ah, great!

Come on, she's in heaven.

- I'm in hell. - But these people are so nice to her!

Do you know who else is nice to children?

Oh, don't.

Drug dealers, pedophiles.

- We're going. Let's go. - No. Hey, we can't.

Three minutes to baptism, folks!

[Chuckles]

It's...

Come on!

This church accepts gay people. How bad can it be?

I'm not gay.

No, I didn't... I didn't think you were.

It's fine. Right?

Well, when he comes out, they'll accept him.

- Babe, please. - No!

- You have to! - Why?

Because if you don't, my business will go bankrupt

and we'll be living in a trailer park.

[Applause]

Ladies and gents, the first true step in faith

is admitting that you believe in something more than yourself,

and committing before your brothers and sisters.

You've already met Delilah and Jareb.

They believe!

[Cheers and applause]

Whoo!

Take a bow, kids.

But their parents...

well, that's another story.

Oh, God.

Meet Nate and Robin.

Hey.

That's me. [Chuckles]

Come on up, Nate and Robin!

Please, please. Please, just do it for us,

- for our family. - Okay, okay, okay, okay!

- But I'm crossing my fingers. - I don't care. Just...

[Laughing]

Thank you, everyone. Yeah.

Hi.

Brothers and sisters, I want to show you

the power you can have with a little faith.

Nate, I know you like water, a little H2O.

Yeah.

Why don't you take a walk?

What, you want me to jump in the pool?

Well, you told me that you believe in the power of water.

I do.

Well, then, take a walk.

Jump. Yeah, okay.

Can you hold my cellphone?

Have a little faith, Nate.

[Cheers and applause]

All right. I do.

[Clears throat]

I guess I got to buy a new cellphone.

You can do it, Dad.

Oh, God, I hope this water's warm.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Holy shit!

- I'm sorry to swear, but... - It's okay, Nate.

God created curse words for moments just like this.

The moment you believed He was real.

Holy shit! Jesus Christ!

- Okay, settle down. - Yeah, sorry.

Nate, come on. It's a trick.

It's not a trick, Mom!

You think your father can walk on water?

I'm walking on water!

[Cheers and applause]

People can't walk on water.

I want to have faith, Mom. I want to believe!

Yeah, so we can do stuff like this.

It's a table, guys. I can see it.

- I can't see anything. - Just keep on walking, Nate.

- [Laughs] - Hey, it's like in Vegas,

the thing that we put our beer on at the swim-up bar?

In Vegas, I can't do this. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm dancing on water! Whoo-hoo!

I'm dancing.

Oh, my God. This is such a stupid trick.

If you're so sure, Robin, give it a try.

You got to try this, babe.

Okay.

It's awesome.

Oh, shoot!

It was here. It was here.

It was right here.

It was right... right here.

It was right here!

Babe, just get out. Come on, come on.

You still think it's a trick?

I obviously... I didn't step where he stepped.

I think you did, actually.

Nate, do you think it's a trick?

Uh... I don't know.

Faith, Nate!

I...

Then, no, I don't think it's a trick.

Yes! Yes, it is! Look!

[Laughter]

Stop laughing at me, you misfits!

It's a goddamn trick!

[Audience booing]

Oh, don't... don't boo me.

Use your heads. This guy is a fraud.

You're following a magician

who forced his wife to marry him.

Who said forced? I said it was arranged.

Oh, whatever.

Marriage under Draconian measures. Same thing.

Well, statistically, arranged marriages

are the most successful marriages.

Well, statistically most of the people in this room

have herpes, so don't throw stats at me.

I don't think that's true.

Robin: And you want to know another thing?

This dingo...

Yeah, that's right.

I compared him to a dog that eats babies.

This dingo is flying around the world in his private jet

while you're throwing your hard-earned cash at him.

Everyone here knows about my jet.

Everyone here is proud of my jet.

Right?

Audience: J-E-T, yes! Jet! Jet! Jet!

[Cheers and applause]

How else would I deliver basic supplements and vitamins

to third-world nations?

Commercial flights?

[Laughter]

Okay, okay.

Did you know that right now

he is doing a deal with my husband

to get some "supplements" that are basically just water?

- What are you doing? - I am proving a point.

A terrible one.

It is true, folks.

I am in a business deal with Nate here.

But that's because I think

God put Nate in my life for a reason.

I recently prayed that I would meet someone

that would help supplement my teachings.

And on the very same day,

an actual supplement salesman cold-called me.

Now, are the pills that he's selling black mamba oil?

God, no.

Or are they simply a reminder to hydrate?

You bet.

I mean, water is the most important element on Earth!

All life needs it to flourish!

It's what separates us from Mars!

[Cheers and applause]

I said that. That's my quote.

It's on the pamphlet.

I accept Jesus as my lord and savior!

Whoa!

Jesus lets us swear!

Shit snacks!

Nate: Oh, geez. Really?

Looks like we're in business together, Nate.

Let's call it 200,000 units.

Uh, okay then.

Look, I know you feel foolish.

But, baby, he saved us, okay?

Oh, geez!

It's Bible 2.0

Everyone is welcome, all your friends and foes

Bring all the Jews

And the black and the rainbow

Everyone is welcome, all your friends and foes

You are a shaman, I say amen

We be jammin' with Jah

We all just players in this game

So don't throw shade on Allah

You got the spot upon your forehead

Or your Lord isn't white

We're saved! We're saved!

Whoo!

And I'm literally standing on the water.

- What? - Yeah, I don't know.

Some Plexiglas trick or something.

Anyway, the guy's like,

[Australian accent] "I'll take 200,000 units of those."

[Normal voice] And I'm like,

"I don't even know what a unit is."

But somebody just saved the company!

[Laughs]

[Bird cawing]

Did we get off on the right floor?

What the hell is going on here?

What did you do to us?

What do you mean me? I didn't do anything.

I have no idea what's going on here.

- You're the boss! - What do I do now?

- I moved from Syracuse for this. - I quit my last job for this.

Who's the boss here?

He is! He is! He is! He is!

We don't have any power! For real this time!

I'm not the boss!

I just need you to know that I really hate liars.

My dad's pathological, and I hate my dad.

My father deals on the black market.

That's all you need to know.

Bag's gone. My dad.

My father gave me it before he walked out on us.

Edie: I repeat, abort! We have bigger fish to fry.

We're not even remotely close to finding the Big Tuna.

- Big Tuna! - Goddamn Big Tuna!

- What about Dad? - Where's your dad?

- He went to get my mom. - Can't wait to see her.

Our piece-of-shit dad walked out on her.

_

_

_

[Clicking tongue]

Did God set you up on Linkedln?

No, but I'm pretty sure I'm the first person

who's ever been hired by it.

Okay? That's a miracle.

[Echoing] I call it the Robin's Nest.

- That's my wife's name. - Must be a sign!

Hey, there, Gummy Bear.

Daddy's back.

Holy shit.

What?

I have no idea what happened here.

I really don't.

Like, not a clue.

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