Original subtitles

Cut, clarity, karat, ka-ching!

I could hock this rock for a fortune.

Paws off my engagement ring, cat.

I'm never removing this beautiful, sparkly...

Plastic twist tie? Freeze, cat burglar.

Now, we can do this one of two ways:

The hard way, or the really hard way.

Don't I at least get a phone call?

No, not in Sabrina Spellman's America.

Oh, did the mean old cat hurt you?

Cattica! Cattica! Cattica!

Are you sure you don't need any help?

I'm fine. I'm just meeting Aaron's parents.

They're not just your boyfriend's parents.

They are your future in-laws.

And whatever they think about this first dinner

is what they are gonna think about you for the rest of your life.

I'm dry but well-seasoned?

Unless that's them and they're early,

in which case they'll call me bland and half-baked.

- We can stay here if you want. - No, go.

Enjoy your evening. I've got everything under control.

Where is it written that you have to start cooking

once you get engaged?

Probably the same stupid book

that says you have to stop dating other people.

Oh, here. I'm on my way to pick up my folks at the train station.

Well, what's all this?

Just a couple things my dad's gonna want for dinner.

Peppercorns, mustard, ice cream.

Like all together in the same bowl?

He's a little detail-oriented. Most nuclear engineers are.

Nuclear engineer? Okay, that's a nine on the intimidating meter.

- Anything I should know about Mom? - She's an expert on relationships.

- Well, what mom isn't? - No, my mom really is.

She's even written a book on the subject.

- "Not with My Son You Don't. " - Skim it.

Okay, I'm running late.

Don't be nervous. This is gonna be fun.

Nervous? I'm not nervous.

I am way past nervous.

Roxie. Morgan.

Oh, right.

I've never seen so many cows in my whole life.

Has there always been a farm here?

This is dinner, huh?

So you're assuming they'll have already eaten.

Salem, just once, say something supportive and helpful.

I wish you were marrying Harvey.

Ugh. You know, I wonder if I could find a recipe that calls for a dead cat.

But I like Harvey.

He's the only one of your boyfriends who ever treated me like a person.

He's the only one that ever knew you were a person.

Why are you so ashamed of me?

Did you know there's a farm where that middle school used to be?

Yeah, I think I heard that at the block meeting.

Uh, thank goodness you are home.

I am having judgmental geniuses for dinner.

Oh, you'll feel better once you've changed and done your hair.

I changed. I did my hair.

- What can we do to help? - Everything.

Set the table, shine the silver, fluff the pillows. Go.

Don't go. Uh, greet them.

Make small talk, be charming, but not more charming than me. Go.

Okay, calm down.

A couple deep breaths, everything will be fine.

Know what else I like about Harvey?

Salem, Aaron and I are getting married.

That's that.

Maybe I'll marry Harvey.

I think it's legal in Vermont.

Thank you both for welcoming us into your home.

Oh, not really our home.

Or our idea, but come on in anyway.

Ah, there she is.

Sabrina, these are my parents. Shirley, Bob.

Mom, Dad,

this is the girl that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

I'm so happy to meet you.

You're just like Aaron described.

Good, no hug.

Because I got a lot of personal-space issues.

Yeah. Except with you. Don't leave my side.

So, um, Aaron told me a lot about you.

Well, obviously he didn't tell you I hate small talk.

I like them.

Yeah.

So Sabrina tells me you're a nuclear engineer.

Fifteen years. Bringing cheap energy to the masses.

Cheap and deadly.

Do you realize you're slowly ruining the global ecosystem?

We're working as fast as we can.

- Morgan, quick, run interference. - No problem.

Uh, so you're in the nuclear biz, huh?

I once dated a guy named Adam, but then we split.

So you have no contact with your parents whatsoever?

No, well, it's not like it's our choice, it's, uh...

Well, they're very busy.

And, uh, they travel a lot. Yeah, town to town.

You know, it's not like they're carnies or anything. It's complicated.

Mom, can we do this without the grilling?

Aaron, honey, I am not grilling her.

So how many serious relationships have you been in?

That depends on what you mean by "serious. "

I've had a lot of relation... Oh, I don't mean a lot.

I just, um...

You know, I never took any of them seriously. Ha, ha.

Have I told you about my parents?

I like her.

I like her a lot. Even more than Brenda.

Thank you. Who's Brenda?

- Oh, no one. No one important. - His last fiancée.

What? You were engaged before?

You know, honestly, that was...

Communication is the cornerstone of every successful relationship.

Yes, and you and I need to communicate right now.

Morgan, Shirley, distract, now.

I'm on it. Uh, so you're a relationship expert.

I once dated a guy named Adam, but then we split.

So when were you gonna tell me about Brenda?

Sabrina, that was so long ago.

Honestly, I haven't spoken to her in years.

She's ancient history.

Hey, Sabrina, Hope I'm not late.

Unlike your ex, who just lives on and on.

I can't believe you invited him to dinner with my parents.

I didn't invite him.

- I didn't invite you. - I know.

Salem did. He said there'd be dinner.

And fireworks.

I've lit the fuse, now I just wait for the kablooey.

Well, you can't stay. This night is already a minefield.

So, Mr. Kinkle, I understand you're the ex.

If anyone can give me some insights into my future daughter-in-law, it's you.

- Come, sit next to me. Ha, ha. - Harvey, no.

Chew later. Go tell Aaron that you invited Harvey.

- Did I? - You did now.

It's people like you who are destroying the planet.

And it's people like you who make me want to.

Guys, it's a party. Let's not talk politics.

Why exactly did Sabrina break up with you?

Guys, it's a party. Let's not talk relationships.

I have no idea why I invited him.

Guys, it's a party, let's not talk... Let's just not talk.

I smell smoke. Is something on fire?

Oh, wouldn't it be great?

I see good old Harvey stopped by.

How serendipitous.

I'll seren-dip you. Ugh. Oh, this is a complete disaster.

Oh, I wanted this evening to be perfect.

You know, we should be laughing, clinking glasses.

Everything should be harmonious. Ah. That's it.

My guests are angry as can be Bring this night some harmony

"Harmony Salt, helping people get along since 1892." Excellent.

Well, I will just season this evening to perfection.

Can't we get over this? You drive an SUV?

She really broke his heart. Oh, we're working on that.

Hey, look, everyone. Crab cakes.

Oh, my favorite.

Oh, wonderful. You made Harvey's favorite.

Just eat this, Mr. Previously-Engaged.

So do we like the crab cakes?

Mm.

Good. So crazy weather we've been having, huh?

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

The musical notes on the label should have tipped me off.

Oh, well, at least we're not arguing anymore.

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

Harmony, harmony

This is going oh so well

Imagine my delight To meet you here tonight

And endlessly enumerate The reasons you're not right

Excuse me?

My boy says you're the one When all is said and done

You simply are not good enough To wed my perfect son

It steams me seeing Harvey Standing next to you

It seems that Harvey's More than just an ex to you

Oh, yeah?

I love the ring but hey I'd love to hear you say

How many other fiancées You've dumped along the way

Harmony, harmony

Can't conceal the bile

Harmony, harmony

This is gonna take a while

Your power plants and toxic dumps Are perilous

Your roommate's confrontational And querulous

Perhaps it would be best To not offend our guest

So zip your lip And give your hippie politics a rest

Morgan, help.

Everybody look at Morgan.

Harmony, harmony

This was not my plan

Now we're all meaner than

When this stupid song began

There's nothing like A good old-fashioned melody

To put a little gloss on animosity

Sling mud with effervescent charm

Draw blood while singing arm-in-arm

And all in perfect harmony

In case you didn't hear it

Knock down, drag out harmony

One more time.

- A five, six... - No, no more time.

Enough music.

I can't believe that we're still talking about this.

How long are we gonna have to deal with this?

Everybody, listen.

I think we're all getting a little out of control here.

I'm fine.

Although I have a strange urge to do jazz hands.

Look, we're arguing and insulting each other,

and we're losing sight of what's really important.

Aaron and I are about to embark on the most significant journey of our lives,

and we'll need all the support we can get.

At the end of the day, the important thing to remember

is that Aaron loves me and I love Harvey.

Did I just say Harvey?

Harvey? You love... Harvey?

No, not Harvey. Aaron. You.

Well, you said Harvey.

- You did. - Yep.

- She did. - I know.

Okay, I know I said it.

Uh, I don't deny that I said it, but I didn't mean to say it.

I don't know what I was thinking. Harvey's been on my mind a lot lately.

Oh, well, that makes me, Aaron, feel so much better.

Sounds to me like a certain young lady has some serious issues.

Issues? I don't have issues. Aaron, honey, tell her I love you.

Tell her!

Sabrina, I think I have to agree with my mother on this.

No, don't start now, son. It's a slippery slope.

And here I thought things were going so well.

No, please don't go. We haven't even had dinner yet.

Oh, and who do you think has an appetite right now?

I do.

How could I have been so stupid? I've ruined everything.

Except for the chicken, which is like a little slice of heaven.

I think you're overreacting.

Harvey will be fine.

I tell guys that I love them all the time and don't mean it.

They're surprisingly resilient.

Is it possible you still have feelings for Harvey?

No, not possible. It was a slip of the tongue.

You know, tongues get slippery.

They're like a water slide for words.

I don't think this was just a slip of the tongue.

I think it was a Freudian slip.

And as Freud said, "There are no accidents. "

Perhaps the root of the problem

lies somewhere in your subconscious desires, no?

No, the root of my problem is that I'm talking to a cat.

Why won't Aaron call me back?

Maybe because you called him Harvey?

Thank you, Dr. Duh. Why did I say that?

Maybe Roxie's right. Maybe I should talk to somebody.

What am I, chopped liver? Mm, liver.

- I think our time is up. - Yeah, I'll say.

I need to get some things Off my chest

Help me find the shrink Who is the best

Hey, swanky.

Ooh, look, there's even lemon in the water.

Hello, I'm Dr. Jacobs.

- Sabrina? - Shirley?

You're the best psychologist in Boston?

I gotta be more specific with my incantations.

What are you doing here besides spitting citric acid all over the leather?

Uh, well, I thought I was gonna bare my soul and fix my relationship,

but, uh, best-laid plans...

- I should probably go. - Probably.

I don't think conflict of interests even begins to cover this.

Look, Shirley, Dr. Jacobs, I know you probably don't believe this,

but Freudian slip or not, I love Aaron Jacobs.

Your son, very much. See you.

I've got to say, I am impressed how forcefully

and directly you're addressing this problem.

You are? I mean, that's me.

Sabrina "Always Addressing Things Forcefully" Spellman.

Sabrina, can I talk to you as a professional?

Suppose you just talk to me as my future mother-in-law.

Stay away from my son.

- Professional it is. - Good choice.

Sabrina, I don't think you know what you want.

I don't think you know your own heart.

I think I know my own heart.

I mean, not that I'd recognize it walking down the street.

You're not really one for the witty aside, are you?

I think you have to look deep within your heart

and figure out what's really going on.

And once you've done that, we'll have dinner again.

That's it? Easy.

- See you in about four years. - Four years?

At least.

There are no shortcuts in mental health.

So I'm guessing it's too soon to start calling you Mom?

See, not even a smile.

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

Ever have a song you just can't get out of your head?

The Meow Mix jingle comes to mind.

Oh, thanks. There it is again.

Why does it seem like you're here more than I am?

I figure I should be around, seeing as you love me.

Look, that was a mistake.

An awful, horrible mistake that should never have happened.

Is that any way to talk to the man you love?

Harvey, I don't have time for this.

I have to look deep within my heart and find out why I said it.

I'm guessing this is gonna involve a lot of pinging and pointing.

Good guess.

Let's see.

"Heart. Lonely, Be Still My Beating, Left in San Francisco, Maps of. "

That's it. A map of my heart.

What could be easier?

Just about anything.

Why are these things always so confusing?

Oh, good, there's an information booth.

Excuse me.

Oh, hello. Welcome to Sabrina's heart.

Are you here to become a Patron of the Hearts?

No. Actually, I'm here to look deep within it.

Oh, well, excellent. There's the map, and...

Oh, my gosh. You're her.

It's you. I've always wanted to meet you.

You almost came through my throat the last time I rode a roller coaster.

I think I was more frightened than you that day.

- Ha, ha. What's that? - Oh, the jalapenos you had for lunch.

- Sorry. - Oh, not a problem.

Now, if you'll follow me, we'll start in the left ventricle.

Korean?

How many Korean tourists do you get here?

You'd be surprised.

Oh, I love blue.

I know, we've got scads of it.

SweeTarts. Oh, I love SweeTarts.

Toaster waffles. Oh, I...

Love them, I know.

Strangely, one of our most popular exhibits.

You know, I was worried that my heart would reveal

all these deep, dark secrets, but it's really very...

Cracked?

I don't get it. I work out, I eat right.

Oh, you're fine. Every heart gets broken.

This is where Harvey broke yours.

As they say, time and a couple of day laborers heal all wounds.

Aaron. See, I knew it. I love Aaron.

Yeah. Again, I know.

Not only is he in my heart, but I've got him on a pedestal,

which may not be the healthiest thing, but I'll work on that later.

Yeah, later, yeah.

So I guess that comment about Harvey really was just a slip of the tongue.

- Yeah. - Hey, Harvey.

Harvey?

What's Harvey doing here, in his own room,

with a plasma-screen TV? Is that real plasma?

Harvey obviously occupies a very special place in your heart.

Well, why is Aaron out in the hallway on a crummy pedestal?

Well, Harvey's part of our permanent collection

and things in the hallway are just temporary.

Temporary?

Don't you remember two years ago when you "loved orange"?

It was the new black or something?

- If I never see that color again... - Look, Aaron is not temporary.

We're getting married. Till death do us part.

You can't get more permanent than that.

Well, you really haven't known him that long.

- I'll take it up with the people upstairs. - The people upstairs are me.

Well, no wonder I've been blurting out Harvey's name.

- We gotta find a room for Aaron. - Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't. No.

Don't. Don't...

Billy Johnson. Oh, he was my first crush.

He ate a caterpillar just to impress me.

Ew. Oh, don't open that door.

Puppies! I love puppies!

Yeah, you don't have to clean up after them.

Look, Aaron is here to stay.

He needs a room and he needs it now.

Somebody's gotta go. Billy, pack it up.

The heart has an infinite capacity for love.

Rooms get built over time.

Well, I don't have time. I need a room now.

Knock yourself out.

I wonder how Aaron would feel about a lean-to and a sleeping bag.

Ugh. If only Jimmy Carter could see me now.

This has got to be good for my heart.

It's so frustrating.

She says she loves me, and yet I have this constant feeling

that I'm just some guy passing through her life.

I hate to tell you this, dear, but I really don't think there's anything

Sabrina can do to change how you feel.

Come on, come on, you're hammering like a little boy.

You're mean. I'm glad I dumped you for Susie Gibson.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should call the whole thing off.

Well, if you think that's best.

Voilà.

Your very own room.

Rent stabilized, an unbreakable lease, and a partial view of the lungs.

I love it. Won't be needing this anymore.

Ow.

Well, welcome to your new home.

All right, all right, you've convinced me.

I guess I'll just call Sabrina and tell her...

That I love her and I know that the other night

was just a horrible mistake.

What?

You just have to believe me when I tell you,

I know I have a special place in Sabrina's heart,

and I just have to remember that we all have pasts.

But Sabrina is definitely my future.

Maybe you don't know everything, Mom.

If only I could blame his mother.

What I wouldn't give for a guy that forgiving and understanding.

Heck, I'd settle for his good looks and money.

Okay, lunch is ready.

Wow, this looks great. Thanks.

- Oh, thank you. - Mm-hm.

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

I'll get you for this.

Harmony, harmony

This is going all so well

Well, that was a tough couple of days.

But I'm glad everything worked out.

So am I.

Mm.

- I love you, Sabrina. - I love you, Billy.

Did I just say Billy?

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