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00:00:01,078 --> 00:00:03,151
MAN [ON TV]: Stay tuned.
You're just eight hours away
2
00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,474
from an all-new episode
of When Good Witches Go Bad.
3
00:00:06,642 --> 00:00:09,035
I can write better stuff
than this garbage.
4
00:00:09,205 --> 00:00:10,480
What are you calling garbage?
5
00:00:10,885 --> 00:00:13,323
You don't know the first thing
about television.
6
00:00:13,488 --> 00:00:16,244
So that would qualify me
to be your boss.
7
00:00:16,410 --> 00:00:19,645
Oh, yeah? We interrupt this
regularly-scheduled programme
8
00:00:19,813 --> 00:00:21,133
to beat you up.
9
00:00:21,294 --> 00:00:24,688
Yikes, first Cokie Roberts
and now him?
10
00:00:24,856 --> 00:00:28,216
I thought the V-Chip was supposed to
prevent this sort of thing.
11
00:00:45,352 --> 00:00:48,427
I'm gonna milk this show for laughs.
12
00:00:52,959 --> 00:00:54,279
What's all this?
13
00:00:54,439 --> 00:00:56,797
"200 Mexican Dishes for Lovers"?
14
00:00:56,961 --> 00:00:59,114
"Corn, the Sensuous Vegetable"?
15
00:00:59,283 --> 00:01:00,798
"Souffl?, Okay"?
16
00:01:00,964 --> 00:01:03,879
I'm cooking dinner with Bryce,
that guy I met at the bookstore.
17
00:01:04,046 --> 00:01:05,482
What were you doing
at a bookstore?
18
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:08,449
- Trying to meet guys.
- Okay. I'm a little concerned.
19
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:11,333
Salem's in my bedroom
with a guy who called him "babe."
20
00:01:11,493 --> 00:01:13,291
That's the TV producer
from the Witch Channel.
21
00:01:13,454 --> 00:01:15,687
Salem's pitching him ideas
for a new show.
22
00:01:15,856 --> 00:01:19,408
Picture this:
a crusty but loveable dictator
23
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:20,809
who inherits an orphanage.
24
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:23,577
We'll call it Il Duce and the Kids.
25
00:01:23,742 --> 00:01:28,183
Oh, come on. People hate stuff about
the mindless swaying of the masses.
26
00:01:28,345 --> 00:01:30,339
Our focus groups prove this.
27
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,785
A workplace comedy
set in a petting zoo?
28
00:01:33,269 --> 00:01:36,548
Bible stories dramatised
by a troupe of sock puppets.
29
00:01:36,711 --> 00:01:38,830
Really nice meeting you,
Saberhagen.
30
00:01:38,994 --> 00:01:40,952
Excuse me,
your office is on my jacket.
31
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:45,871
I know. How about a cat
who lives with a teenage witch?
32
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,431
The catch is,
the witch is half mortal.
33
00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,315
I like it.
34
00:01:50,482 --> 00:01:51,837
Except for the cat part.
35
00:01:52,003 --> 00:01:52,994
Same here.
36
00:01:53,164 --> 00:01:55,965
I see this
as a documentary type of show.
37
00:01:56,126 --> 00:01:57,357
You know, hidden cameras
38
00:01:57,528 --> 00:02:00,249
where we can capture
her every waking moment.
39
00:02:00,410 --> 00:02:02,209
Are you a mind reader?
40
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,252
Saberhagen, if this show's a hit,
you're gonna be a rich man.
41
00:02:05,413 --> 00:02:07,885
Say that again. Slower.
42
00:02:08,056 --> 00:02:09,537
Oh, Libby?
43
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:10,734
Yes, Mr. Kraft?
44
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:11,969
Libby.
45
00:02:12,139 --> 00:02:16,022
It seems that no one has volunteered
to be school safety monitor.
46
00:02:16,182 --> 00:02:18,744
You don't expect me
to do that dorky job.
47
00:02:18,904 --> 00:02:21,182
The biggest loser in school
wouldn't do it.
48
00:02:21,346 --> 00:02:23,543
Well, as secretary
of the student council,
49
00:02:23,707 --> 00:02:27,625
you get to appoint
anyone you'd like.
50
00:02:28,311 --> 00:02:29,348
Anyone?
51
00:02:29,872 --> 00:02:31,547
[FLATLY]
Please proceed with caution.
52
00:02:31,714 --> 00:02:34,072
This is a hallway,
not the autobahn.
53
00:02:34,236 --> 00:02:35,637
She's a safety monitor.
54
00:02:36,278 --> 00:02:38,396
Why don't we just put a black dot
on her forehead
55
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,040
and call her an untouchable?
56
00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:42,320
Maybe we can save it in editing.
57
00:02:42,482 --> 00:02:45,238
You know, Sabrina,
regarding that gum on the floor,
58
00:02:45,405 --> 00:02:48,718
I still feel that you should
put a few pylons around it.
59
00:02:48,887 --> 00:02:52,326
You know, I ran a much tighter ship
when I was safety monitor,
60
00:02:52,490 --> 00:02:55,850
despite the savage beatings.
61
00:02:56,693 --> 00:02:58,174
Zellie, you have gotta help
me decide
62
00:02:58,334 --> 00:03:00,897
which one of these belts to wear
at my dinner with Bryce tomorrow.
63
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:03,050
I've narrowed it down to these 15.
64
00:03:03,218 --> 00:03:06,055
Oh, good Lord, look at this one.
65
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,532
Say, that's my favourite too.
66
00:03:08,702 --> 00:03:10,935
I got it at the Other Realm
Outlet Mall.
67
00:03:11,104 --> 00:03:12,539
It really brings out my eyes, huh?
68
00:03:12,946 --> 00:03:16,385
If your eyes were a frightening
shade of purple.
69
00:03:16,588 --> 00:03:18,149
You should see my mother-in-law.
70
00:03:18,310 --> 00:03:21,305
They said she's as ugly as sin.
Sin sued.
71
00:03:21,472 --> 00:03:23,511
Hilda, you don't have
a mother-in-law.
72
00:03:23,674 --> 00:03:25,746
She's not so much a mother-in-law
as a big tub of goo.
73
00:03:25,915 --> 00:03:27,510
A tub who says
I don't make enough money.
74
00:03:27,677 --> 00:03:29,477
Aha. What's going on?
75
00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:30,675
I don't know.
76
00:03:30,839 --> 00:03:32,639
Maybe it has something to do with
this belt.
77
00:03:32,841 --> 00:03:34,834
- I can't get it off!
- Oh.
78
00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:39,003
Oh, no, Hilda, it's a borscht belt.
79
00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:41,808
It won't come off
until you've told a million jokes.
80
00:03:41,968 --> 00:03:43,005
A million jokes.
81
00:03:43,169 --> 00:03:45,162
Oh, well, then I should tell you
about my ex-wife.
82
00:03:45,330 --> 00:03:48,805
I took her everywhere. It was easier
than having to kiss her goodbye. Ha!
83
00:03:48,973 --> 00:03:50,807
- Help me.
- I could try to get you a job
84
00:03:50,975 --> 00:03:52,775
opening for Marilyn McCoo.
85
00:03:52,977 --> 00:03:54,013
[TOASTER DINGS]
86
00:03:54,177 --> 00:03:55,977
Oh, not now.
87
00:03:56,419 --> 00:03:57,935
Oh, Hilda, I'm sorry,
88
00:03:58,101 --> 00:03:59,694
but I've been summoned
to the Other Realm.
89
00:03:59,861 --> 00:04:02,060
I'll be back to help you
as soon as I can.
90
00:04:02,224 --> 00:04:04,023
Meanwhile, don't quit your day job.
91
00:04:04,225 --> 00:04:05,546
No, no, don't cancel it.
92
00:04:05,706 --> 00:04:08,177
I promise, Sabrina's not always dull.
93
00:04:09,469 --> 00:04:12,146
Hey, you're home from lunch.
Wanna go skydiving?
94
00:04:12,312 --> 00:04:14,110
I just wanna put my feet up,
95
00:04:14,273 --> 00:04:17,269
eat cereal and summon the strength
to get through the rest of the day.
96
00:04:17,435 --> 00:04:20,271
I know what would be relaxing,
juggling steak knives.
97
00:04:20,478 --> 00:04:21,799
Or we could just talk.
98
00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:23,838
Teen pregnancy,
what are your thoughts?
99
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,119
Well, I'm against teen pregnancy,
100
00:04:26,282 --> 00:04:28,958
but I'm for
you juggling steak knives.
101
00:04:29,725 --> 00:04:32,366
Well, at least she exited with a joke.
102
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,848
[THUNDER CRASHES]
103
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:36,599
[DOOR CREAKING]
104
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,651
Aah! The Grim Reaper!
105
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:43,852
No, Sabrina!
106
00:04:44,857 --> 00:04:46,086
It's me, Aunt Zelda.
107
00:04:47,018 --> 00:04:49,216
The grim part is this material
doesn't breathe.
108
00:04:50,221 --> 00:04:52,578
I'm so sorry I scared you, dear.
109
00:04:52,742 --> 00:04:55,135
Every witch has to do this
at some point.
110
00:04:55,305 --> 00:04:58,141
It's like jury duty
without the free doughnuts.
111
00:04:58,307 --> 00:05:01,825
I find it unsettling that my aunt goes
around telling people it's time to die.
112
00:05:01,989 --> 00:05:03,903
Wait, that's not why
you're talking to me, is it?
113
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,713
No, no, no. You've got it all wrong.
114
00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:10,756
This is merely a service for witches
who don't take bad news well.
115
00:05:11,637 --> 00:05:14,313
Like an IRS audit
or a particularly nasty boil.
116
00:05:14,479 --> 00:05:16,518
We break it to them gently.
117
00:05:16,681 --> 00:05:17,911
But why the outfit?
118
00:05:18,082 --> 00:05:19,277
Tradition.
119
00:05:19,442 --> 00:05:21,037
And the traditional clipboard?
120
00:05:21,204 --> 00:05:24,005
Well, we give them a receipt
for tax purposes.
121
00:05:24,166 --> 00:05:26,603
[BEEPER PLAYS
"DOOMSDAY" THEME]
122
00:05:26,809 --> 00:05:28,721
Oh, well, duty calls.
123
00:05:28,890 --> 00:05:30,564
Someone's about to
bounce a cheque.
124
00:05:32,093 --> 00:05:33,766
LIBBY:
Mrs. Quick, I can't see
125
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,735
because of the glare
from Sabrina's sash.
126
00:05:36,896 --> 00:05:39,367
Class, please,
I don't want to hear anyone making fun
127
00:05:39,538 --> 00:05:41,133
of how stupid Sabrina looks.
128
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,498
Look, I swear
on my mother's grave--
129
00:05:44,662 --> 00:05:46,223
Okay, my mother's condo.
130
00:05:46,384 --> 00:05:49,299
--Sabrina's World is gonna get
much more exciting.
131
00:05:49,466 --> 00:05:51,300
I can't tell you how, exactly,
132
00:05:51,468 --> 00:05:54,029
but let's just say it involves
a whole lot of blood.
133
00:05:54,189 --> 00:05:56,912
Salem, can you pick this clasp
with your claws?
134
00:05:57,072 --> 00:05:58,062
That was Sabrina.
135
00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:00,704
She forgot something really important
for chemistry class.
136
00:06:00,875 --> 00:06:04,075
- What is it?
- A barrel of nuclear waste.
137
00:06:05,438 --> 00:06:07,192
[SCREAMS]
138
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,354
Is that nuclear waste?
139
00:06:09,521 --> 00:06:11,116
According to the label.
140
00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:14,005
But the label's burning
because it's leaking.
141
00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:16,317
- Oh, my.
- You're the safety monitor.
142
00:06:16,486 --> 00:06:17,922
What do we do?
143
00:06:18,088 --> 00:06:22,165
Okay, everybody stay calm,
get in single file and run for your lives!
144
00:06:22,331 --> 00:06:24,325
[STUDENTS YELLING]
145
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:30,731
It's okay, everyone,
just a little minor radiation.
146
00:06:30,897 --> 00:06:33,734
None of us wanted
to have kids anyway, right?
147
00:06:34,221 --> 00:06:36,896
Oh, very disappointing,
Miss Spellman.
148
00:06:37,062 --> 00:06:42,016
In my day, safety monitors
cleaned up toxic spills themselves.
149
00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:45,500
And I've got the lesions to prove it.
150
00:06:49,112 --> 00:06:51,025
- Yello?
- Salem, it's Sabrina.
151
00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:53,471
Something strange is going on.
152
00:06:53,636 --> 00:06:55,868
Good. I mean, Sabrina's not here.
153
00:06:56,077 --> 00:06:57,068
[DIAL TONE]
154
00:06:57,278 --> 00:06:58,395
Well, I'm out of here.
155
00:06:58,559 --> 00:07:01,873
I've gotta drop off some dry cleaning
and tell a guy about his prostate.
156
00:07:02,042 --> 00:07:03,841
Oh, that reminds me.
Sabrina called.
157
00:07:04,003 --> 00:07:07,477
She needs to get
her grey dress cleaned.
158
00:07:07,686 --> 00:07:08,962
Oh.
159
00:07:10,648 --> 00:07:11,639
[SCREAMS]
160
00:07:14,211 --> 00:07:15,202
[SIGHS]
161
00:07:15,372 --> 00:07:18,572
Next year, uniforms.
162
00:07:19,014 --> 00:07:20,735
Anyone home?
163
00:07:20,896 --> 00:07:23,458
Anyone who happened to see
my clothes?
164
00:07:23,618 --> 00:07:24,848
Hey, I'm on TV.
165
00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:26,936
I'm on TV?
166
00:07:27,141 --> 00:07:29,499
People are probably watching this
right now,
167
00:07:29,663 --> 00:07:31,975
and I'm wearing a shrubbery.
168
00:07:32,144 --> 00:07:33,546
Salem!
169
00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:39,384
First things first, no mortals around.
170
00:07:39,871 --> 00:07:41,943
And now to eliminate the cat.
171
00:07:43,994 --> 00:07:44,985
What's all this?
172
00:07:45,155 --> 00:07:46,795
Your fan mail.
173
00:07:48,077 --> 00:07:49,068
"I love your show.
174
00:07:49,238 --> 00:07:51,310
Is it hard to drool that much
while you're sleeping?"
175
00:07:51,479 --> 00:07:53,040
- Gross.
- Is it?
176
00:07:53,801 --> 00:07:55,203
I have an overbite.
177
00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:56,757
All right, all right.
178
00:07:56,923 --> 00:07:59,964
Hey, Mom. No nukes. Heh.
179
00:08:02,208 --> 00:08:03,484
[SALEM GROANING]
180
00:08:03,689 --> 00:08:05,250
Salem?
181
00:08:05,650 --> 00:08:07,245
Someone better be harming you.
182
00:08:07,412 --> 00:08:09,485
Oh, yes.
183
00:08:09,654 --> 00:08:11,054
Oh-ho, very good.
184
00:08:11,214 --> 00:08:12,809
Oh, right there.
185
00:08:12,976 --> 00:08:15,857
Sven, of all the perks I've gotten
from this television show,
186
00:08:16,018 --> 00:08:18,012
you're my favourite.
187
00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:21,733
In fact, you're officially
in my entourage.
188
00:08:22,263 --> 00:08:23,745
Oh, yeah.
189
00:08:23,905 --> 00:08:27,025
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
A little rough, Sven.
190
00:08:27,227 --> 00:08:29,185
[MOANING]
191
00:08:29,388 --> 00:08:31,268
Hey, Sabrina?
192
00:08:31,430 --> 00:08:33,789
Oh, well, then you obviously
haven't been watching TV.
193
00:08:33,952 --> 00:08:35,786
Oh, you found out, huh?
194
00:08:35,954 --> 00:08:37,753
Yeah. Salem,
how many people watched me
195
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,589
hawk up a phlegm ball
this morning?
196
00:08:39,756 --> 00:08:43,719
Morning is a low-viewing time,
so I'd say not more than millions?
197
00:08:43,879 --> 00:08:46,033
- Millions?
- You're a huge star.
198
00:08:46,202 --> 00:08:47,637
Especially in prisons.
199
00:08:48,683 --> 00:08:51,201
This stops now. I don't know where
you've hidden your cameras,
200
00:08:51,366 --> 00:08:53,245
but I want them gone,
understand?
201
00:08:55,489 --> 00:08:56,810
Sorry, sweetie.
202
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,692
I own the rights to your life.
203
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,172
I've got a contract
204
00:09:02,814 --> 00:09:05,571
and it's ironclad.
205
00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:08,859
I didn't sign anything.
206
00:09:09,019 --> 00:09:10,454
No, but the cat did.
207
00:09:10,621 --> 00:09:12,659
Oh, go ahead and try to fight it.
208
00:09:12,822 --> 00:09:15,738
By the time it reach the courts,
we'll be watching your dotage.
209
00:09:15,905 --> 00:09:17,977
Would you like an herbal wrap?
210
00:09:19,868 --> 00:09:23,659
I'm sorry, Sabrina. If the contract
is ironclad, there's no way out.
211
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,142
A marriage contract? My husband
says marriage isn't a word,
212
00:09:26,312 --> 00:09:27,383
it's a sentence. Ha!
213
00:09:27,994 --> 00:09:28,985
Her husband?
214
00:09:29,155 --> 00:09:30,874
It's a long story.
215
00:09:31,036 --> 00:09:32,596
You know,
I've heard of television shows
216
00:09:32,757 --> 00:09:34,716
getting cancelled
when their ratings are lousy,
217
00:09:34,879 --> 00:09:36,951
but short of that happening,
you're sunk.
218
00:09:37,121 --> 00:09:39,354
Hey, great idea.
I'll just make my show unbearably dull.
219
00:09:39,523 --> 00:09:41,356
That way, no one'll watch it.
It'll get yanked.
220
00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:43,118
Watch out, young lady.
With that approach,
221
00:09:43,286 --> 00:09:45,085
someday you'll run
your own network. Ha-ha.
222
00:09:49,090 --> 00:09:50,684
[DOORBELL RINGS]
223
00:09:54,414 --> 00:09:57,375
Harvey, what happened?
I'm sure it was very dull.
224
00:09:57,537 --> 00:09:59,734
You remember
when I went to the mall to buy socks?
225
00:09:59,898 --> 00:10:01,128
Yes. Great topic.
226
00:10:01,299 --> 00:10:04,339
So did you go with the all-cotton
or the wool-poly blend?
227
00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:06,735
Believe it or not,
that wasn't the exciting part.
228
00:10:06,904 --> 00:10:08,180
On the way to the mall,
229
00:10:08,345 --> 00:10:10,178
I rescued this family
from a burning building.
230
00:10:10,346 --> 00:10:12,624
I see. Well, so, back to the socks.
231
00:10:12,788 --> 00:10:14,269
And there I was,
eating a Mr. Slushy,
232
00:10:14,429 --> 00:10:16,150
when suddenly,
I heard someone cry for help.
233
00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:17,792
HILDA:
Ow! Ow! Does that welding torch
234
00:10:17,953 --> 00:10:19,512
have to be so hot? Ow! Ow!
235
00:10:19,673 --> 00:10:21,268
What size was your slushy?
236
00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:23,826
Shouldn't we go see if whoever
was screaming can be helped?
237
00:10:23,996 --> 00:10:27,516
No, she's just memorising her lines.
Community theatre. Heh.
238
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,957
This dullness thing won't last.
239
00:10:30,121 --> 00:10:32,559
- Sabrina will break.
- She better.
240
00:10:33,604 --> 00:10:35,359
ZELDA:
Okay, kids, I'm off.
241
00:10:35,526 --> 00:10:38,167
Somebody's got asbestos
in his crawl space.
242
00:10:38,688 --> 00:10:40,886
Was that your aunt
dressed like the Grim Reaper?
243
00:10:41,090 --> 00:10:42,081
[THUNDER CRASHES]
244
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,401
Yeah, she's in the same play.
245
00:10:43,572 --> 00:10:45,725
There she is, there she is.
246
00:10:45,894 --> 00:10:48,285
It's TV's Sabrina. Smile.
247
00:10:49,777 --> 00:10:53,011
Oh, why, these are the other members
of the theatre company.
248
00:10:53,179 --> 00:10:55,298
They must be having
a dress rehearsal.
249
00:10:55,701 --> 00:10:56,931
What play are they doing?
250
00:10:57,102 --> 00:10:58,093
Two Gentlemen of Verona?
251
00:10:59,064 --> 00:11:00,579
Mrs. Quick,
what happened to your face?
252
00:11:00,745 --> 00:11:02,260
Oh, Sabrina,
remember when I told you
253
00:11:02,426 --> 00:11:04,897
that peas were the one vegetable
I wasn't allergic to?
254
00:11:05,069 --> 00:11:06,389
I was horribly wrong.
255
00:11:06,549 --> 00:11:08,861
Would you like to hear about
my near-death experience?
256
00:11:09,032 --> 00:11:13,234
No. Actually, I'd rather
talk to you about Jell-O.
257
00:11:13,435 --> 00:11:14,870
But I saw God.
258
00:11:15,916 --> 00:11:19,037
Guess what? After school,
the mayor's gonna give me a medal.
259
00:11:19,199 --> 00:11:20,759
Wanna ride in the limo with me?
260
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,071
Harvey, do you mind?
261
00:11:22,241 --> 00:11:24,155
We were having a conversation
about Jell-O.
262
00:11:24,963 --> 00:11:27,606
[OVER TV]
I'm a lime girl myself.
263
00:11:28,447 --> 00:11:30,804
Saberhagen,
our ratings are plummeting.
264
00:11:30,968 --> 00:11:32,449
We've gotta do something.
265
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:33,721
Add a laugh track?
266
00:11:35,852 --> 00:11:37,492
[MOTOR REVVING]
267
00:11:37,694 --> 00:11:38,765
[GRUNTS]
268
00:11:38,935 --> 00:11:40,654
That thing won't budge.
269
00:11:40,816 --> 00:11:42,649
Like my husband's hand
on his wallet.
270
00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:44,138
Zellie, what am I gonna do?
271
00:11:44,298 --> 00:11:46,053
Bryce will be here any minute.
272
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:47,936
Maybe he won't have
a sense of humour
273
00:11:48,102 --> 00:11:49,695
and he'll find you funny.
274
00:11:49,862 --> 00:11:53,984
Zelda, there's something
that I haven't told you about Bryce.
275
00:11:54,746 --> 00:11:56,979
He's short, really short.
276
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:59,346
Why, he's so short,
he has to reach up to tie his shoes.
277
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:02,347
Oh, my, he's gonna be
a joke magnet.
278
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,027
- Help.
- Okay.
279
00:12:04,193 --> 00:12:06,586
Well, how about if I stay for dinner
280
00:12:06,756 --> 00:12:08,190
and do all the talking for you?
281
00:12:08,397 --> 00:12:10,868
Oh, that would be great,
except you look like death.
282
00:12:11,079 --> 00:12:12,070
Oh, right.
283
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,041
Well, I'll just tell him
it's religious garb.
284
00:12:15,362 --> 00:12:16,957
Zellie, what would I do without you?
285
00:12:17,123 --> 00:12:19,242
Besides throw one heck of a party. Ha!
286
00:12:19,445 --> 00:12:21,325
Two hundred seventy-seven,
287
00:12:21,487 --> 00:12:26,282
278, 279, 280.
288
00:12:26,451 --> 00:12:30,130
Sabrina, will you please stop counting
the ceiling tiles?
289
00:12:30,294 --> 00:12:32,856
Now you made me mess up.
290
00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:36,847
SABRINA [OVER TV]:
One, two, three,
291
00:12:37,419 --> 00:12:40,221
- Ceiling tiles, huh? Heh-heh.
- four, five...
292
00:12:40,382 --> 00:12:43,661
There is no way I'm letting this show
get cancelled.
293
00:12:43,824 --> 00:12:46,864
I haven't had a hit since
Make Room for Nostradamus.
294
00:12:47,026 --> 00:12:49,305
I found that show very predictable.
295
00:12:49,509 --> 00:12:51,308
Predict this.
296
00:12:51,950 --> 00:12:53,944
[WIND ROARING]
297
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,746
There's a twister in the hallway!
298
00:12:57,995 --> 00:12:59,397
[ALL SCREAMING]
299
00:12:59,717 --> 00:13:01,437
Head for the root cellar!
300
00:13:01,638 --> 00:13:04,235
ALL: Huh?
- Sorry, I'm from the Midwest.
301
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,472
- I just know Salem's behind this.
HARVEY: Come on.
302
00:13:06,642 --> 00:13:09,522
- Aren't you gonna help?
- Oh, a tornado's just like a cold.
303
00:13:09,684 --> 00:13:11,358
You just have to let it run its course.
304
00:13:12,486 --> 00:13:13,968
She's just sitting there.
305
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,768
Yet I'm riveted.
306
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,444
Hilda, Bryce is here.
307
00:13:17,610 --> 00:13:18,761
He wanted me to warn you.
308
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:20,970
He's misplaced his toupee.
309
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:24,971
- Hi, Hilda.
- Hi, Bryce. A pool hall called-- Ooh!
310
00:13:25,136 --> 00:13:26,935
That's quite a cough
you got there, Hilda.
311
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:28,249
[COUGHING]
312
00:13:28,418 --> 00:13:32,017
I'm afraid Hilda's picked up a nasty
virus that prevents her from talking.
313
00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:33,901
- Laryngitis?
- Much worse.
314
00:13:34,102 --> 00:13:35,504
Because my family
has a home remedy.
315
00:13:35,664 --> 00:13:36,985
We're Polish, you know.
316
00:13:37,185 --> 00:13:39,223
- Mm.
- Easy, girl.
317
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,421
[BEEPER PLAYING
"DOOMSDAY" THEME]
318
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:46,384
I'm afraid I have to run a small errand.
Another symptom.
319
00:13:46,553 --> 00:13:47,623
I'll be right back.
320
00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:49,872
Whatever he says, don't talk.
321
00:13:52,717 --> 00:13:55,029
Okay, be brutal.
322
00:13:55,199 --> 00:13:56,953
How do I look
without the hairpiece?
323
00:13:59,322 --> 00:14:01,361
Mr. Kraft,
what are we going to do?
324
00:14:01,524 --> 00:14:04,598
Well, why don't we ask
our safety monitor?
325
00:14:05,407 --> 00:14:08,243
Oh, well,
we could talk about Jell-O?
326
00:14:12,332 --> 00:14:14,053
It's rule number one of television:
327
00:14:14,214 --> 00:14:18,177
when things get slow, add conflict.
328
00:14:18,377 --> 00:14:20,177
[RUMBLING]
329
00:14:20,379 --> 00:14:21,699
But not the kind of conflict
330
00:14:21,859 --> 00:14:24,377
that requires
reconstructive surgery.
331
00:14:24,542 --> 00:14:26,455
I will not let this be exciting.
332
00:14:30,026 --> 00:14:31,301
Was that an earthquake?
333
00:14:31,507 --> 00:14:34,308
Or a big truck. It is trash day.
334
00:14:35,149 --> 00:14:38,429
Just thinking out loud here,
but is this such a good idea?
335
00:14:38,593 --> 00:14:40,505
If something should happen
to our star,
336
00:14:40,674 --> 00:14:43,145
I could have a few really
uncomfortable weeks at home.
337
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:46,911
Not that I don't like good TV.
338
00:14:47,079 --> 00:14:51,554
I haven't had this much trouble
with a star since Gentle Ben.
339
00:14:51,762 --> 00:14:53,517
MAN [OVER TV]:
Oh, my God!
340
00:14:53,924 --> 00:14:55,918
[CACKLING]
341
00:14:56,126 --> 00:14:58,324
In a way, this is like a ride.
342
00:14:58,488 --> 00:15:01,642
This is Massachusetts,
why are we having earthquakes?
343
00:15:01,810 --> 00:15:03,723
Democrats!
344
00:15:04,492 --> 00:15:07,647
Do something!
My life is at stake here.
345
00:15:08,535 --> 00:15:10,574
Maybe if I brace you,
you could just flip through
346
00:15:10,737 --> 00:15:12,138
the safety monitor's manual.
347
00:15:13,299 --> 00:15:14,620
Listen up!
348
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:16,295
If we all stay calm,
349
00:15:16,462 --> 00:15:18,101
and more importantly, uninteresting,
350
00:15:18,262 --> 00:15:21,737
I might be able to lead us all
to a fire exit.
351
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,187
That's better.
352
00:15:25,388 --> 00:15:27,381
[ALL SCREAMING]
353
00:15:27,870 --> 00:15:31,663
Have my eyes swollen shut
or did the lights go out?
354
00:15:31,833 --> 00:15:35,352
Is there anyone here
who is qualified to take confession?
355
00:15:40,881 --> 00:15:43,033
Oh, I've heard about this guy.
356
00:15:43,202 --> 00:15:45,844
He won't accept bad news.
357
00:15:50,368 --> 00:15:53,124
- Hello.
- I'm afraid I have bad news.
358
00:15:53,290 --> 00:15:55,488
- Your shoes--
- Sorry. Nobody home.
359
00:15:57,733 --> 00:16:01,286
Come here,
you little asparagus spears.
360
00:16:02,377 --> 00:16:04,416
Zelda, hurry.
361
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:08,699
[SINGSONG VOICE]
Hello? Anyone there?
362
00:16:11,864 --> 00:16:13,778
My greatest wish
is that they find my body
363
00:16:13,946 --> 00:16:16,668
at least a few feet away
from you people.
364
00:16:16,828 --> 00:16:18,627
Come on, guys.
We're almost out of here.
365
00:16:18,790 --> 00:16:21,226
We're all gonna die.
We're just all gonna die!
366
00:16:21,391 --> 00:16:23,829
Mr. Kraft, would you please
stop clutching my hand?
367
00:16:23,994 --> 00:16:25,144
And mine!
368
00:16:25,314 --> 00:16:27,353
HARVEY:
I'm sorry. I think that's me.
369
00:16:29,157 --> 00:16:32,676
Hmm. There's a sauce
that'll put some hair on your chest.
370
00:16:38,404 --> 00:16:40,875
- Yes?
- Your shoes will give you athlete's foot.
371
00:16:41,086 --> 00:16:42,966
Sorry, didn't hear you.
372
00:16:44,329 --> 00:16:46,243
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
373
00:16:46,411 --> 00:16:49,565
See? Except for a few cases
of post-traumatic stress disorder,
374
00:16:49,733 --> 00:16:51,134
we're all gonna be okay.
375
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:52,325
[RUMBLING]
376
00:16:52,496 --> 00:16:55,410
Aftershock! Oh, will it never end?
377
00:16:55,578 --> 00:16:57,810
I give up. It's never gonna stop!
378
00:16:57,979 --> 00:17:00,212
Never! Never! Never!
379
00:17:00,381 --> 00:17:03,616
I'm sorry, Sabrina.
You're on my last nerve.
380
00:17:05,666 --> 00:17:07,784
If I don't make it out of here,
381
00:17:07,947 --> 00:17:09,507
give this to my lawyer.
382
00:17:09,668 --> 00:17:11,263
It's a declaration of love.
383
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,468
Oh, that's for Sandra Bullock.
384
00:17:13,631 --> 00:17:16,229
I know you saw me
and I know you heard me.
385
00:17:16,393 --> 00:17:19,230
Now, sign the freaking receipt
so I can be on my way.
386
00:17:19,436 --> 00:17:21,315
- Can't write.
- Aah!
387
00:17:21,517 --> 00:17:22,793
Yes. We made it.
388
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:24,838
HARVEY: We didn't have to
resort to cannibalism.
389
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,070
Hold it.
390
00:17:26,241 --> 00:17:28,678
Who's gonna represent us
in our lawsuit against the school?
391
00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:30,034
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
392
00:17:30,205 --> 00:17:32,197
[ANIMAL ROARING]
393
00:17:34,608 --> 00:17:37,169
Please let that be the sophomore
with the glandular condition.
394
00:17:38,571 --> 00:17:40,529
Is it the fat sophomore?
395
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:41,729
What do you think?
396
00:17:42,373 --> 00:17:45,095
Nope. Walter's legs
are not that green.
397
00:17:46,176 --> 00:17:47,213
Dinosaur!
398
00:17:47,377 --> 00:17:49,689
Mrs. Quick,
you may have to slap me.
399
00:17:49,859 --> 00:17:51,533
Now, let's be calm.
400
00:17:51,701 --> 00:17:54,935
What's happened is the Earth's
tectonic plates have shifted,
401
00:17:55,103 --> 00:17:58,144
certain gaseous solutions
have imploded,
402
00:17:58,306 --> 00:18:01,426
and we're all going to die.
403
00:18:01,588 --> 00:18:03,468
- Go, safety monitor!
- What?
404
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:06,867
Wait, you expect me to face
that creature alone?
405
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,309
Of course not. Here.
406
00:18:08,474 --> 00:18:11,469
- Uhn!
- Aim high.
407
00:18:12,477 --> 00:18:15,392
I have to admit,
this is pretty exciting.
408
00:18:15,559 --> 00:18:16,755
More corn?
409
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,759
[DINOSAUR GROWLING]
410
00:18:19,602 --> 00:18:20,673
Okay,
411
00:18:20,843 --> 00:18:24,396
I'll just engage it in friendly
conversation, then maybe it'll go away.
412
00:18:24,846 --> 00:18:27,283
What language
do giant lizards speak?
413
00:18:27,449 --> 00:18:29,646
Of course, Japanese.
414
00:18:30,290 --> 00:18:33,285
[IN JAPANESE]
415
00:18:33,492 --> 00:18:35,566
I didn't know
Sabrina could speak Japanese.
416
00:18:35,735 --> 00:18:38,615
Oh, yes. It's part of
every safety monitor's training.
417
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:44,819
DINOSAUR [IN FRENCH]:
418
00:18:46,383 --> 00:18:47,499
A French dinosaur.
419
00:18:47,663 --> 00:18:50,704
I only wish this was the strangest thing
I've ever encountered.
420
00:18:52,627 --> 00:18:58,390
[IN FRENCH]
421
00:18:58,712 --> 00:19:00,706
DINOSAUR:
422
00:19:02,235 --> 00:19:07,951
DINOSAUR:
423
00:19:12,843 --> 00:19:14,677
Hilda, I know something's wrong.
424
00:19:14,845 --> 00:19:16,599
I don't think you even have
laryngitis.
425
00:19:16,766 --> 00:19:19,920
I think it was all a bald-faced lie.
426
00:19:20,088 --> 00:19:22,161
Sorry. I don't mean to be short.
427
00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:23,732
Short? You're so short,
428
00:19:23,892 --> 00:19:25,531
when it rains,
you're the last to know.
429
00:19:25,693 --> 00:19:27,333
You could milk a cow standing up.
430
00:19:27,494 --> 00:19:30,136
And bald? You're so bald,
an eagle tried to hatch your head.
431
00:19:30,296 --> 00:19:33,451
You know what? There's a cure
for baldness. It's called hair.
432
00:19:33,619 --> 00:19:35,852
Boy, Sabrina,
you really saved the day.
433
00:19:36,021 --> 00:19:39,061
You know, all this drama has
helped me put my life in perspective.
434
00:19:39,223 --> 00:19:41,820
For example, I no longer obsess
over the fact
435
00:19:41,986 --> 00:19:44,502
that a single pea could kill me. Ha.
436
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:46,467
Thanks for being so brave, Sabrina.
437
00:19:46,629 --> 00:19:48,462
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was brave.
It was exciting.
438
00:19:48,630 --> 00:19:49,906
This whole day stinks.
439
00:19:50,071 --> 00:19:53,385
Let's not forget who appointed her
safety monitor.
440
00:19:53,554 --> 00:19:56,834
You know what I'm gonna do for you?
I'm gonna make you a bowl of Jell-O.
441
00:19:56,997 --> 00:19:58,876
I never knew you liked it so much.
442
00:20:02,081 --> 00:20:04,074
Hilda, I've got bad news.
443
00:20:04,242 --> 00:20:06,281
Bryce is going to break up with you.
444
00:20:06,444 --> 00:20:07,845
You're too late. He just left.
445
00:20:08,245 --> 00:20:11,127
Oh, Hildie, I'm so sorry.
446
00:20:11,288 --> 00:20:13,167
Sign the receipt.
447
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,372
Hey, Sabrina. Everything okay?
448
00:20:22,536 --> 00:20:24,655
No. My life has become
such an adventure
449
00:20:24,818 --> 00:20:27,540
that Sabrina's World
will never be cancelled.
450
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,257
My hometown was so small,
451
00:20:29,422 --> 00:20:31,176
you couldn't buy a house
without exact change.
452
00:20:31,343 --> 00:20:34,817
Our family doctor worked at
Joe's Hospital and Grill.
453
00:20:34,986 --> 00:20:36,501
What's Aunt Hilda doing in my slot?
454
00:20:36,667 --> 00:20:40,107
Well, I paid a little visit
to your TV producer.
455
00:20:40,271 --> 00:20:43,983
My outfit made him kind of nervous,
so he made me a deal.
456
00:20:44,153 --> 00:20:46,750
If I didn't kill him,
he'd cancel Sabrina's World.
457
00:20:46,915 --> 00:20:48,510
I thought you didn't actually
kill people.
458
00:20:48,677 --> 00:20:51,398
Well, I don't.
But I sort of mumbled his bad news
459
00:20:51,559 --> 00:20:53,632
and he thought I said
he was going to die.
460
00:20:53,801 --> 00:20:56,682
- What was the news?
- He was gonna get a bad piece of pie.
461
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,242
Seriously, a man walks into a bar,
says to a horse,
462
00:20:59,405 --> 00:21:01,717
- "Why the long face?"
- Oh, dear.
463
00:21:01,887 --> 00:21:05,200
You know,
I'm gonna start reading more.
464
00:21:05,250 --> 00:21:09,800
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