Original subtitles

# Right about now, the funk soul brother

# Check it out now, the funk soul brother

# Right about now, the funk soul brother

# Check it out now, the funk soul brother

# Right about now, the funk soul brother

# Check it out now, the funk soul brother

# Right about now, the funk soul brother

# Check it out now, the funk soul brother

# Right about now, the funk soul brother

# Check it out now, the funk soul brother

# Right about now, the funk soul brother

# Check it out now, the funk soul brother

# Right about now, the funk soul brother Check it out... #

They're here.

Come on, sunshine. Look lively.

The new neighbours.

Those are hi-fi systems. One in the master bedroom, one goes in the boys' room.

I won't be able to get the car out.

Perhaps take the bus today?

# Right about now, the funk soul brother... #

These upstairs, lads.

All the kitchen utensils, put them in the kitchen, yeah? And the saucepans.

Oi! Oi! Mind that! Front room with that. It's digital. Cost me an arm and a leg.

Fire! Fire!

Debs, babe, where do you want this flamin' rowing machine?

I dunno. Just shove it round the back.

Right, who wants this? And mind those.

Typed a letter for Chris, the deputy head.

Calling some parents in. Their son's been bullying.

He's very hot on that, Chris. Sort of a crusade.

Puts posters up and gives talks in assembly.

The things that some kids endure from others.

I know.

What does he do to the bullies?

He discusses it with the parents.

So they can bully the kid into not bullying.

That's where he gets it from in the first place.

- If it's bad enough, they get expelled. - Set up gallows in the playground.

More are arriving.

- What are you doing? - It's gone one.

They're drunk out of their minds!

- There's a woman being sick on my camellia! - Oh, no!

That's what's living next door to us now.

They were just excited about moving in. I'm sure they're very nice people.

- I didn't see a dog. - They must have sneaked it in.

That's all we need.

Hello there. I'm Nigel. This is Joanne. We live next door.

We're your neighbours. We thought we'd say hello.

- Is Mum in? - She's dead.

- Oh, dear. - Quite a party.

- Your dad, then? - In bed.

- I'll go and get him. - Don't...

Do you like your new house?

Bugger off!

Perhaps we'd better come back later.

- Dad says he's asleep. - Dean! Dean!

Dean! Go and keep an eye on that bloody dog.

Oh, hiya.

Jo. Joanne and Nigel Liddy. We live next door.

We thought we'd say hello and give you this. Sort of a welcome.

Oh, ta. I'm Debra Squires. That's Craig, and Dean's in the kitchen.

- Alan's still asleep, my husband. - Oh, don't disturb him.

- Are you coming in? It's a bit of a mess. - No, we won't bother you just now.

- We... Well, maybe later. - When you're settled in.

Well, if there's anything you need...

- Got a hangover cure? - Had a bit of a party?

Didn't disturb you, did it?

- No. Not in the least. - You need a house-warming.

I'm glad you're not stuffy types. You get 'em in places like this.

My Alan's a great host. He likes parties and barbecues.

Does he?

Does he?

# Chance dreams that cut across the bed

# Leaving colours there instead... #

- ...darlin'. - Bloody 'ell, Alan.

Get off!

That must be his company. Office cleaners, I suppose.

All right, isn't it? They make a mess,

knowing that poor underpaid skivvies will come and clear up after them.

Oh, my God, he's coming over!

Alan Squires, just moved in next door.

- The wife mentioned you popped in earlier. - Just to say hello.

- And you are? - Joanne Liddy. This is my husband Nigel.

This is your place, then?

Hmm. Been here long, have you?

Since they built them. 18 months or so.

The bloke we got ours off was only there a year. Lucky, mind.

He went bankrupt, then got divorced.

Yes. Although I don't think Peter and Claire would see much luck in it.

Yeah, tough luck, but no one said life was easy, did they?

Now, what do you do for a living, Nigel?

- I'm an insurance broker, Joanne... - Insurance, that's a racket, isn't it?

To tell you the truth, I'm wondering how you can afford a place like this.

Did you win the lottery or did someone die?

- My father... - What do you do?

I've got me own business. Office cleaning. Started from nothing.

Had to. Gotta be your own boss.

That's the only way to get to the serious money.

Oh, into books, eh?

Yeah... What's it like?

- George Eliot? Never heard of him? - Her, actually.

Ah, no time for books meself, Nigel. Only the kind you can cook with the tax man!

How big's your garden, then?

They say they're the same size, but mine is definitely bigger.

- Do you like gardening? - No time for poncing around with flowers.

I've got bigger ideas. Get a few quotes in. Money's no object.

Nigel, have you got a Coke or something?

I'm really parched. Dry as a Muslim's funeral.

- No Coke. Tea? - Tea? No. Any decent coffee?

- Yeah. Well... - I must warn you, I am a connoisseur,

so none of that instant muck, eh?

I'll see what I can do.

- We met your children. They... - Brilliant kids. Chip off the old block.

Can be little bastards, but that's kids. Have you got any?

- No, we... - You ought to, otherwise you're missing out.

- Not too old, are you? - No. I just...

You want to get cracking before it's too late. Otherwise you'll regret it.

Debra there, she's not their real mum.

My first wife, she died in '94... or was it '95?

- No, it was definitely '94. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Really? I suppose somebody's got to be, but you never knew her.

Thank Christ for Debra, though. She was there with me through her last years.

- Oh. - Can I say something, Jo?

I can tell you, as a woman. I wouldn't say this to a bloke.

I love Debra. I do.

She means everything to me.

- She has been a tower of strength. - Oh, that's great.

And if anyone came between us, you know what?

I'd tear their throat out.

- I'm sure she'd be pleased to hear that. - A man like me needs a good woman.

A woman who can service his needs.

Can I tell you something, Jo? I hope you don't mind if I do.

Has anyone ever told you you have got beautiful eyes?

I'll just see how Nigel's getting on with the coffee.

- Have you seen this? - No.

You didn't bump into anything, did you?

No. Did you?

It was her. She's bumped into us. Or else the kids did it.

Well, you don't know that. It could have happened anywhere.

- It wasn't there last night. - Sure? Checked it, did you?

Whose side are you on?

I'm just saying we don't know it was down to her.

It'd be typical, though, to do that and not say anything.

Well, say something. Say that you think she did that

and ask what she intends to do about it.

No point, is there? She'd just deny it. There's no way of proving anything.

It's just another thing we have to accept and say nothing.

# You gave me something like loving And took me in so soon

# You took my feelings from nothing Came back at noon... #

Fire! Fire!

# So if I lose my patience

# You must try to understand

# Try to understand

# If I lose my patience

# Oh, yeah

# 'Cause you make me feel

# Yeah, yeah... #

Bloody dog!

That's the third time. How does he get over our fence?

- He must be an ex-police dog or something. - Don't get upset.

Upset? It sums the whole thing up, doesn't it?

Alan doesn't even have to put up with his own dog's mess. We get that.

- You're letting this get to you. - I can't stop it.

It invades my house, my garden. I can't escape it.

You're getting this all out of proportion. I agree with you.

They're a nightmare. They're making our lives a misery. Alan...

...is a monster. I seriously think he's evil.

Alan is intensely selfish. He has no concept that he and his family are causing us distress.

We have to tell him politely and reasonably.

We have to ask him to respect our property and our privacy.

Very reasonable. Why not get on to what's-his-name, the deputy head, for a word?

Maybe he can call Alan's parents for a chat.

I know you don't like confrontation, but Alan's not a school bully.

- Stand up to him. - I'm not afraid of him.

- Then talk to him. - It's gone beyond that. He's psychotic!

You can't reason with him.

- Shall I talk to him? - He'll really listen to a woman

So what's your solution? How is all this anger going to come out?

You going to burn his house down? Kill him?

No, I'm going to do what they suggest you do in this situation,

which is to keep a diary of every infringement, and I'm going to video them.

My name's Nigel Liddy. I live at No. 4 Twelve Trees Close.

This is my record of the activities of Alan Squires and his family.

They have moved in next door to us and made our lives a misery.

The purpose of this video is to support a complaint to the local authority.

That's Mr. Squires...

...doing a bit of gardening,

and managing, as with everything else, to make a great deal of noise.

He's clearing a large area of ground behind his house.

I'm not quite sure why yet.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

What's going on? Did you take this fence down?

- Yes, mate. - But it's my fence. I live here.

- Nobody asked me about taking it down. - We knocked, but you weren't there.

We'll put it back when we've finished.

- When will that be? - Six to eight weeks.

- Is your husband home? - Still at work.

My fence has been taken down by your builders.

- They had to to get their things through. - They can't do that without asking.

- It's my property. - Are you sure it's your fence?

How do you know it's not ours?

As far as I know it's mine. Anyway, it borders my property

and shouldn't be removed without my say-so.

- They would have asked, but you were out. - So they said.

You could have asked before today. You must have been planning this.

- We'll put it back in a few weeks. - Why should I wait that long?

You can't just start building next to my property without notifying me.

- You have to go through the proper channels. - You'll have to speak to Alan.

You can't just do things like this!

Why not? We bought this house and the land. We can do what we like.

No, actually, you can't do whatever you like. Not if it impinges on me.

If everybody thought like that, society would just break down.

Well, that's your opinion. You can speak to Alan later, all right? See ya.

I just can't believe that people can behave like that.

It's like a barbarian invasion with Alan as the leader.

They march in, rape, pillage, grab what they want and leave a trail of destruction.

People like us, normal, quiet people getting on with their lives,

are expected to put up with it.

It's so unfair. What gives him the right to behave like that?

Does he think he's better than us?

That's not going to help either.

We've just got to think about this rationally.

Flying off the handle will only make things worse.

How could it be worse? What could he do?

Send his builders round to demolish our house?

- Then he can extend this way. - You're being silly. Here it is.

Under council services - planning. Planning permission and building control.

He doesn't even have the courtesy to come round. I know he's there. His car's back.

If he doesn't want to talk to us, he can talk to the council.

I know you can't tell me who tipped you off, but I already know.

You don't need to worry. If I'd needed planning permission, I'd have got it.

Steve is a professional builder.

He gets it all the time. I'm really sorry to have wasted your time,

but that's because the bloke next door has it in for me.

He objects to every little thing that I do. You know the kind of bloke?

- I'll be off, then. - Thank you.

'Ere, look. We'll stick some plans in the post.

Right. Thank you. Goodbye.

Oi! You needn't have grassed me to the council,

because I do not need poxy planning permission for this.

- You're building a conservatory. - A greenhouse.

A temporary structure which doesn't need permission.

Did you need permission for your shed? No. And I don't need permission for this.

This is totally different. It's not just a shed!

Oh, so it's one rule for one bloke and another rule for another.

I've had a word with the bloke from the council, and he's gone away happy.

He's even coming back when it's finished.

- But those foundations... - Concrete screed, love,

for patio work, for which you do not need permission.

- But they're right up against our boundary. - It's my land, right?

If they'd gone over... Ooh!

...I could see your point, but I don't understand your attitude.

Maybe it's you're jealous, right?

Jealous that I can afford it, right?

Money is for spending. Life is for enjoying.

If you'd wanted to build a conserv...

er, greenhouse... on your land, I wouldn't mind.

It's your land. I wouldn't go bleatin' to the council because it's unreasonable.

You know?

Life's too short.

I don't really notice it, to be honest, Nigel.

Of course, I play music a lot myself,

only I use headphones and it's Puccini.

But the parties, cars revving at all hours, not to mention the building works.

Well, I can't say it bothers me.

Of course, I'm away a lot of the time. Tunisia, this time.

- Three weeks. Car commercial. - Glen, he's such an awful bloke.

- He's got no consideration for others. - Oh, I don't know.

When he saw me washing the car, he sent his boys to do it.

His boys cleaned your car?!

No, I wouldn't let them. Asked too much money.

We can't let him make our lives a misery.

Sure. But to be honest, Nigel, he's not. Not really.

But if we work together as neighbours, we can stand up to him.

Nigel, I don't need to stand up to him. I'm away too often for it to bother me.

I have other things to think about.

The building work is proceeding... slowly.

It's not a greenhouse, it's a very elaborate conservatory.

The centrepiece is a spa bath or whirlpool or whatever you call it.

We've now endured weeks of these builders and their constant noise,

their toing and froing, their staring in at our windows.

We have no peace, no privacy.

They look at us with such expressions of contempt, as though we're their inferiors.

Well, I suppose we must be, since they and Alan and Debra behave just as they choose.

We suffer at their hands, so that must make us the weaker beings.

They wouldn't see it that way, of course. They'd say we were uptight middle-class snobs,

who think we're better than them.

The reverse is true. Alan thinks he's better than us.

Well, we'll see about that.

Time to start planning a revolution.

I, er... think I'll invite Kate and David around for dinner.

What? Why?

Well, because it would be nice to see them.

We used to have them round all the time.

Just for dinner one evening. Nothing special.

It might do us good, help us take our mind off things.

But what are they going to think about that situation?

They probably won't even notice that situation,

and if they do, it might help us to talk about it.

A problem shared...

I'll give Kate a call tomorrow.

'Ere you go, fellas. That one's got two sugars.

Some temporary structure.

It overlooks our property. Takes away our light.

Look at him. So smug.

I hate him.

I've never experienced this feeling before.

Pure, all-consuming hatred.

How long have you been watching him?

I don't know. Not that long.

I thought you were doing the vegetables for tonight.

- Tonight? - Kate and David.

Oh, right. I'll do them now.

You have to snap out of this, you know.

This watching them. It's not going to make any difference. It won't help matters.

- You're letting Alan take over your life. - Letting him?

- As if I had any choice. - Look, Nigel, listen to me.

Alan is a problem that needs sorting out,

but if you let him rule our lives, then he will have won yet again.

Now, let's just try and have a nice dinner this evening like we used to.

Forget about him. Hm?

Nigel?

Oh, this all smells wonderful.

Don't thank me, thank Delia.

- Shit! - You all right, love?

Look, David, Kate. Sorry.

I just want to apologise at the outset for this... noise.

This music coming from next door.

- Well, we really can't hear it. - No, but it's going to get louder.

It's our neighbours, they play this music.

Well, as I say, I just want to apologise and...

hope it doesn't upset your evening too much.

I've wasted my time compiling that video for the council.

They've let us down. They're useless.

Corrupt, probably. Alan'll be allowed to keep his conservatory.

They're usually very hot on planning matters. This chap...

He'll get away with it. His type always do.

I don't know what he's told them, but he will.

Have you spoken to him about the noise?

You can't reason with Alan. It's beyond his comprehension

that his behaviour could impact on others. He's aggressive, arrogant...

What about his wife? If she was more reasonable...

Dozy tart's got less between her ears than him.

She does what she's told or gets a good slapping, I should think,

and most of that she does lying on her back.

Nigel, really. Apologise to Kate and David. That's a vile thing to say.

I'm sorry. I... Really, forgive me.

I'm just a little bit stressed.

I'll clear the plates.

As you can see, this man is causing us considerable tension,

but we must just try to keep things in perspective.

Look, Nigel, we know what you're going through. There was a woman...

With respect, Kate, I don't think you do know.

Unless you've endured this particular kind of living hell,

you can't have any concept of how soul-destroying it actually is.

- Nigel... - The one place where you should have a right

to feel safe and secure and peaceful is in your own home.

And you do until one day along comes this... monster and denies you the right.

- Darling, calm down. - We feel besieged in our own home.

We're prisoners. We dread coming back to our own home.

We'd rather sit in a car in the bloody shopping mall!

Our lives are a complete bloody misery because of that bastard!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! - Nigel...

I know. Let's us have some music. Yeah!

It's ages since we had friends around. Let's have a dance. Come on!

Come on, everybody! We'll dance! Come on!

Come on, everybody! Let's dance!

- Come on! Let's go! - I'm so sorry.

- Where are you? - I'll, er... I'll call you in the morning.

Hey, where are you going? Come on! We're having some music!

Come to bed, darling. Your tablets are here.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry about tonight.

The red wine got the better of me. I'm not used to it.

Don't worry. They're nice people. They'll understand.

They can see what we're going through.

He's got away with it.

It doesn't matter about anybody else, just so long as Alan gets his own way.

We'll see what the council have to say.

If I'd done that, I'd have been stopped. It's just so unfair.

You wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Exactly. But he doesn't care. So he just does it and he gets away with it.

I'm seriously thinking now...

There's only one alternative.

- Nigel, it's not an option. - Well, obviously, I don't want to move.

You said yourself we wouldn't be able to sell the house because of Alan.

- Anyway, it's my home. - Fine. Forget I even mentioned it.

We won't sell. We'll stay and make a fight of it.

Fight to the...

Perhaps I should have another go at the neighbours. See if they'll...

We know they won't do anything. It doesn't affect them so much.

- No one wants to get on the wrong side of Alan. - What's the matter with you?

You're so negative, defeatist.

Am I fighting this battle on my own?

I thought at least you'd be supportive.

I do support you, totally.

We're in this together.

It's just... I don't like to see you get so upset by it.

It's starting to control you, really it is.

Why do you think Derek said that about taking a holiday?

Derek? He needs one himself, workaholic.

He's seen the change in you and he's concerned, and so am I.

Why don't you consider seeing the doctor?

I'm not against taking a holiday.

It'd probably do us good.

Why don't we start to think about that?

We're going to get through this.

Sure.

Of course we are.

...these animals' only certain future is a premature date with death.

They electrocute them, you know.

All right, sweetheart. I'll call you back later on.

I'm just going out. See you. Take care.

She's hit the tub now! If she's broken it...

Did you ever take a driving test?!

Shouldn't drive a vehicle that size if you can't...

He's like an animal, rutting.

Like a big bloated pig.

- You still shouldn't spy on him. - Why not?

They don't respect our privacy.

He's not a peeping Tom, though. Not that there'd be anything to peep at.

Whose side are you on? Anyway, you were looking at them.

I went into the garden with some washing. I wanted to know what you were looking at.

He's had her in there before.

Had her and her friend once.

Nigel, how much time do you spend spying on Alan?

- As much as is necessary. - Necessary for what?

Why do you need to observe him?

You'll get caught out, then you'll be in trouble.

I won't get caught.

# They say she had a heart attack... #

Right. That's me.

Right, then, love. See you in the morning.

Night.

We might have got him. They've got drugs!

- What? - At the party. They're taking drugs!

- What sort of drugs? - Grass, pot, whatever you call it.

- I'm calling the police. - Hold on.

- The police won't care about a bit of grass. - But they might have something stronger.

- Cocaine. - Oh, Nigel...

Look, it's an opportunity.

If he goes to prison, all our problems are over.

Night-night, girls. I'll see you later. See you, girls.

...so I apologise. Allow me.

Cheers, Officer. Thanks.

Nige?

Nigel?

Nigel?

Nigel?

Don't open it! He's gone mad! Call the police!

Don't be so ridiculous!

Right, where is he? Where's your nonce of a husband? Where's the grass?

- Go away or I'll call the police. - That's what you do,

call the police or call the council.

Well, life's too short for that crap. Can't you just sit down

and talk about it like reasonable people?

You've had it in for me from day one. What is it with you?!

- Am I not good enough for this road? - Not for any road.

- You're a pig-headed moron! - Get out of my way, you stupid bitch!

- Where's that bastard? - Get out of my house!

- Stay out of it! - Bastard!

Come on, then. Come on!

Alan! Alan, what are you doing?!

Alan!

Get off, Debra! Get off!

Alan! What are you doing, you idiot!

- Bye, boys. - Bye.

- Are you all right? - Sorry about last night.

I'm apologising for Alan since he won't do it himself.

It was awful. We were terrified.

He went mad about the cops. He hates things spoiling a party.

Oh, well, I'm sorry we spoilt his party. He's rather spoilt our lives.

Has he?

- Debra, why do you stay with him? - I'm married to him.

- But why do you stay with him? - I don't know. Big, loud, funny, generous.

- Not a side of him we've witnessed. - I've always gone for men like him.

I know he can get a bit much.

Anyway, I'm off to my mum and dad's. The boys are staying with friends.

- How long for? - Dunno. A few days.

Or perhaps longer.

Debra's left. The kids have gone.

I think it's time to put into action the plans I've been preparing.

It's gone too far to step back.

I don't consider it cruel or evil...

...merely necessary.

There are certain situations where the only feasible solution is...

...well, I might as well use the word...

murder.

Alan's spent his life inciting people to kill him, even if he didn't realise it.

But of course, in our polite society, you don't do it,

you just... stay quiet...

...put up with him.

Well, now his time has come.

Needs must when the devil drives.

It's a humanitarian act.

Killing one dumb creature to improve the lives of many others.

And if you live by the sword...

you die by it.

I've got a surprise for you.

- Surprise? - I went down and booked our holiday today.

Really? Where?

Australia.

Australia?

When? For how long?

The tenth. Six weeks.

I thought you'd be pleased.

I am. Of course I am. I'm just surprised.

Because it's a surprise.

Australia?!

Alan's back.

Right. There you are.

Oh, no! The bloody cleaner's there.

Damn!

- Are you ready yet? - What, champagne? All right.

- I tell you what... - What?

- Oi! Where do you think you're going? - I need a pee.

All right. You know where it is. There's one under the stairs.

- Unless you do what I do - go in here. - You are disgusting, Al.

Alan?

Oh...

Jesus!

As you were so fond of saying, Alan, life's too short.

- It's very quiet next door. - Very.

Perhaps Debra walking out has made him think.

Must have been a shock for him.

Sorry. I heard a noise, and since it's been empty for a while...

All right, Nige? It's good of you to watch it.

- I'm moving back today. - Oh. For good?

I don't mind staying. It's nice enough. It's just a question of money.

- You don't know how you stand? - Until I hear about his insurance policies

and the sale of his firm, I won't know, but I expect it'll be a lot.

I could get somewhere much better.

Hello, Debra. How are you?

- Oh, well, you know... - Yes.

There's so much sorting out to do. I've never seen so much crap.

I've filled three bin bags with his shirts.

- How are the boys? - They're all right.

They've gone to live with relatives.

I see. Were they very upset?

Oh, no. They've always got on well with them.

Do you know any more about what happened to Alan?

I mean, obviously we heard the main points.

The post mortem was inconclusive, couldn't confirm the cause of death.

He was a drinker, a smoker, was overweight and had high blood pressure.

Could've been a heart attack.

Anyway, went ahead with the funeral. It was pretty quiet, really.

- Oh, quiet, was it? - So that's that.

I expect you're glad to be rid of him.

Well, we can't pretend that we saw eye to eye with Alan, but obviously...

We're off to Australia next week.

Oh, really? That'll be nice for you.

That'll be lovely.

Here, I could keep an eye on your house for you if you like.

There's been a problem. We've suffered a setback.

We had a fantastic six weeks in Australia,

got home feeling happy and relaxed,

and then...

It's that bloke Steve, the bloody builder!

Oh, she's not moved him in, has she?

Oh, Debra!

Yeah. Can you believe it? I get rid of one yob to see him replaced with another.

Like Alan, Steve's fond of loud music and wild parties.

At least you could say that Alan worked hard, created his own wealth.

Steve, however, the cowboy builder, not only has all Alan's faults,

but he's a lazy parasite as well.

Debra's the one with the money and he's taking her for every penny he can get.

Well... we can't have that.

We're right back where we were.

You can't live next door to people like that.

Life's too short.

# When you sing

# Of the joy only love can bring

# Heaven knows

# It's in my heart and my soul

# We're caught in a world full of tears

# So many sad times and fears

# So while there's a chance

# And you're near

# Well, let's dance... #

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