Original subtitles

Monty python's flying circuses.

Tonight jeremy toogood reads redgauntlet by sir walter scott.

Hello.

The sunsoot...

The sunsiett...

The sun... the sunset!

The sunset waas... was, was...

The sunset was... di... deeing... dying

Over the hile... hiel... he... heels...

Oh, hills, hills!

Of... slow... sol... way firth.

The love piper... the lone piper.

The lone piper... on the ba...

Batt... ly... ments...

Of ed... ebing... ebingundir... ed... edingburgher...

Edinburgh!

Edinburgh... castle

Was sil... silhou...

Saluted... s... si...

"the sunset was dying

"over the hills of solway firth.

"the lone piper on the battlements of edinburgh castle

Was silhouetted against the crim..." crimsy...

Crimson!

Against the crimson streeds... stre...

Streaked.

Streaked?

Crimson-streaked sky.

In the shadows of carriganu...

Cran... crungrin...

Cairngorm!

Ah!

In the shadows of cairngorm

The layt...

Laird!

Laird! laird! laird!

Laird of... of... of....

Laird of monteu...

Montreux...

Montrose.

Montrose. montrose. montrose.

The laird of montrose...

Gal-loped?

Galloped...

"the lone piper

On the battlements of edinburgh castle..."

Next.

Here on top of edinburgh castle

In conditions of extreme secrecy

Men are being trained

For the british army's first kamikaze regiment--

The queen's own mckamikaze highlanders.

So successful has been

The training of the kamikaze regiment

That the numbers have dwindled

From 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks.

What makes these young scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?

The money's good.

And the water skiing.

Attention!

All right, sergeant major, at ease.

Now, how many chaps you got left?

Six, sir.

Six?

Five, sir... good luck, johnson.

Jolly good show, sergeant major.

I've come to tell you

We've got a job for your five lads.

Four, sir.

For your four lads.

Good luck, taggart.

Thank you, sarge.

Now, this mission's going to be dangerous

And it's going to be tough and we're going to need

Every lad of yours to pull his weight.

Now, which four are they?

These three here, sir.

Okay, off you go, smith.

Right!

Sergeant major.

Sir?!

You don't think it might be a good idea

To stop the training program for a little bit?

They got to be trained, sir-- it's a dangerous job.

Yes, I know but...

All right, macpherson, you're next-- off you go.

You see, what is worrying me, sergeant major...

I'll make it a good one, sir!

Good luck, macpherson.

Macpherson... only this mission

Really is very dangerous.

We're going to need both the chaps you've got left.

Both of who, sir?

Sergeant major, what's this man's name?

This one, sir?

This one's macdonald, sir.

Macdonald...

Go, lad. no, no, no.

Hang on to macdonald, sergeant major.

Hang on to him.

I don't know whether I can, sir.

He's in a state of itsubishi kyoto mcsayonara.

What's that?

It's the fifth state a scotsman can achieve, sir.

He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime

Or he thinks he's let down the emperor, sir.

Well, can't we get him out of it?

Oh, I don't know how to, sir.

Our kamikaze instructor, mr. yashimoto, was so good

He never left tokyo airport.

Well, there must be someone else who can advise us.

Good morning.

Kamikaze, please.

Yes, would you go through, please?

Thank you.

All right, sergeant major.

No time to lose.

Beg pardon, sir?

No time to lose.

No what, sir?

No time... no time to lose.

Oh, I see, sir.

No time... to lose!

Yes, that's right, yes.

Yes, no time to lose, sir.

Right!

Isn't that funny, sir.

I've never come across that phrase before.

"no time to lose."

42 years I've been in the regular army

And I've never heard that phrase.

Well, it's in perfectly common parlance.

In what, sir?

Oh, never mind.

Right-- no time to lose.

Eventually, yes, sir.

What?

Well, like you said, sir.

We'll be able to make time eventually--

Without to lose, sir, no.

Look, um, I don't think you've quite got

The hang of this phrase, sergeant major.

Morning.

No time to lose.

Now, then, how were you thinking

Of using this phrase?

Uh...

Well, I was thinking of using it like, uh...

Uh... "good morning, dear.

What is in no time to lose?"

Yes, well, you've not quite got

The hang of that, have you?

No time to lose.

No time to lose.

No time to lose.

No time to lose.

Now, you want to use this phrase

In everyday conversation, is that right?

Yes, that's right, yes.

Yes, good.

My wife and I have....

My wife and I have never had a great deal to say to each other.

In the old days we used to find things to say

Like "pass the sugar" or "that's my flannel"

But in the last ten or 15 years

There just hasn't seemed to be anything to say.

And anyway, I saw your phrase advertised in the paper

And I thought that's the kind of thing

I'd like to say to her.

Yes, well, what we normally suggest

For a beginner such as yourself

Is that you put your alarm clock back ten minutes in the morning

So you can wake up, look at the clock

And use the phrase immediately.

Shall we try it?

Yes.

All right.

I'll be the alarm clock.

When I go off

Look at me and use the phrase, okay?

No! time to lose.

No. no time to lose.

No time to lose.

No time to lose.

No time to lose.

No. to lose, like toulouse in france.

No time toulouse.

No time toulouse.

No time toulouse.

No time toulouse.

No. no time to lose.

No, no time to lose.

"no-time toulouse... "

All right, you yellow-bellied sidewinder

Go for your guns.

Anyway, no time to lose, sergeant major.

Look out, sir!

Macdonald!

Macdonald!

We'll have to hurry, sir.

Macdonald, put that down.

Put that down, lad.

He's reached the sixth plane already, sir.

Right, here are the plans, sergeant major.

Good luck.

Thank you, sir.

And good luck to you, macdonald.

Thank you, sir.

Come on, macdonald.

No time to lose.

Very good, sergeant major.

Yes, excellent.

So it was

That on a cold november morning

R.s.m. urdoch and sapper macdonald--

One of the most highly trained kamikaze experts

The scottish highlands have ever witnessed

Left on a mission which was to...

Oh, I can't go on with this drivel.

All right, macdonald.

No time to lose.

Macdonald!

Come on. up.

Well, that's the mission, now here's the method.

R.s.m. urdoch will lull the enemy

Into a false sense of security

By giving them large quantities of money

A good home and a steady job.

Then, when they're upstairs with the wife

Sapper macdonald will hurl himself at the secret documents

Destroying them and himself.

Well, that's the plan.

The time is now 19.42 hours.

I want you to get to bed, have a good night's rest

And be on parade early in the morning.

Thank you for listening

And thank you for a lovely supper.

And... and... and sue...

So. so, so...

So the... the in... intriptid

Intrepid.

Intrepid.

Intrepid r.s.m. urdoch and super...

Sapper.

Sapper... sapper macdonald...

M... made.. mead...

Made!

Made their why...

Way! way! way!

Way... way to... toarro...

Towards!

Towards!

Towards...

Towards the... the ruust... ruusty...

Rrr... ruusty... russian.

Russian!

Russian bolder...

Border! border! border!

And so, and so r.s.m. urdoch and sapper macdonald made their way

Towards the russian bolder...

Border!

Hmm?

Penguins, yes, penguins.

What relevance do penguins have

To the furtherance of medical science?

Well, strangely enough, quite a lot--

A major breakthrough, maybe.

It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus

Accidentally growing on a sterile plate

That sir alexander fleming gave the world penicillin.

James watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling

And conceived the potentiality of steam power.

Would albert einstein ever have hit upon

The theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever?

All these tremendous leaps forward

Have been taken in the dark.

Would rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried?

Could marconi have invented the radio

If he hadn't by pure chance

Spent years working at the problem?

Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved

Except by years and years of unremitting study?

Of course not.

What I said earlier about accidental discoveries

Must have been wrong.

Nevertheless, scientists believe that these penguins

These comic, flightless, web-footed little bastards

May finally, unwittingly help man

To fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind.

Professor rosewall of the laver institute.

Hello.

Here at the institute, professor charles pasarall

Dr. peaches bartkowicz and myself

Have been working on the theory

Originally postulated by the late dr. kramer

That the penguin is intrinsically more intelligent

Than the human being.

The first thing that dr. kramer came up with was

That the penguin has a much smaller brain than the man.

This postulate formed the fundamental basis

Of all of his thinking

And remained with him until his death.

Now, we've taken this theory one stage further.

If we increase the size of the penguin

Until it is the same height as the man

And then compare the relative brain sizes

We now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller.

But-- and this is the point-- it is larger than it was.

For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man

The penguin would have to be over 66 feet high.

This theory has become known as the "waste of time theory"

And was abandoned in 1956.

Hello again.

Standard i.q. tests gave the following results.

The penguins scored badly when compared

With primitive human subgroups like the bushmen of the kalahari

But better than bbc program planners.

The bbc program planners' surprisingly high total here

Can be explained away

As being within the ordinary limits of statistical error.

One particularly dim program planner

Can cock the whole thing up.

These i.q. tests

Were thought to contain an unfair cultural bias

Against the penguin.

For example, it didn't take into account

The penguins' extremely poor educational system.

To devise a fairer system of tests

A team of our researchers spent 18 months in antarctica

Living like penguins

And subsequently dying like penguins-- only quicker--

Proving that the penguin is a clever little sod

In his own environment.

Therefore, we devised tests to be given to the penguins

In the fourth set--

I do beg your pardon-- in their own environment.

Net!

Shh!

What is the next number in this sequence?

Two, four, six...

Did he say "eight"?

What is...

The environmental barrier had been removed

But we'd hit another-- the language barrier.

The penguins could not speak english

And were therefore unable to give the answers.

This problem was removed in the next series of experiments

By asking the same questions to the penguins

And to a random group of non-english-speaking humans

In the same conditions.

What is the next number?

Two, four, six...

Hello?

The results of these tests were most illuminating.

The penguins' scores were consistently equal

To those of the non-english-speaking group.

These inquiries led to certain changes at the bbc...

While attendances at zoos boomed.

Soon these feathery little hustlers

Were infiltrating important positions everywhere.

Help.

Oh!

Vizna veshchat.

Pravda karamentov.

We must study them

In conditions of absolute secrecy.

Nyet?

Look out!

Nyet?

He hasn't gone off.

Slovati, tovarish!

What?

And welcome to spot the looney, where once again, we invite you

To come with us all over the world

To meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places

And ask you to...

Spot the looney.

Our panel this evening: gurt svensson

The swedish mammal abuser and part-time radiator...

Good evening.

Dame elsie occluded-- historian, wit, bon viveur

And rear half of the johnson brothers...

Good evening.

And miles yellowbird up high in banana tree

The golfer and inventor of catholicism.

Good evening.

And we'll be inviting them to spot the looney.

Ah, yes, quite right.

A viewer from preston there who's pointed out correctly

That the entire panel are loonies.

Five points to preston there

And on to our first piece of film.

It's about mountaineering

And remember, you have to spot the looney.

The legendary south face of ben macdhui--

Dark, forbidding...

Yes, well done.

Mrs. nesbitt of york spotted the looney

In 1.8 seconds.

On to our second round, and it's photo time.

We're going to invite you to look at photos

Of tony jacklin, anthony barber, edgar allan poe, katy boyle

Reginald maudling and a looney.

All you have to do is spot the looney.

Now, I must ask you please not to ring in

Until you've seen all the photos.

Yes, you're right, the answer was, of course, number two.

I'm afraid there's been an error in our computer.

The correct answer should, of course, have been number four

And not katy boyle.

Katy boyle is not a looney.

She is a television personality.

Now it's time for spot the looney historical adaptation.

This time, it's the thrilling medieval romance, ivanhoe

A stirring story of love and war, violence and chivalry

Set amidst the pageantry and splendor

Of 13th-century england.

All you have to do is spot the looney.

Yes, well done, mrs. l. of leicester

Mrs. b. of buxton and mrs. g. of gatwick.

The looney was, of course, the writer, sir walter scott.

I didn't write that.

Sounds more like dickens.

You bastard!

Was sir walter scott a looney or was he the greatest flowering

Of the early 19th-century romantic tradition?

The most underestimated novelist of the 19th century

Or merely a disillusioned and bitter man...

Excuse me, can I borrow that, please?

Yes.

Thank you.

These trees behind me now were planted over 40 years ago

As part of a policy by the then crown woods

Who became the forestry commission in 1924.

The forestry commission systematically replanted

This entire area-- shh!

That's 40,000 acres of virgin forest.

By 1980, this will have risen

Up to 200,000 acres of soft woods.

In commercial terms, a coniferous cornucopia

An evergreen el dorado

A tree-lined treasure trove--

No!-- a fat fir cone future for the financiers.

But what of the cost...

It's mine!

Go away!-- in human terms?

Who are the casualties?

...for this was sir walter scott's country.

In many of his finest romances

Such as guy mannering or redgauntlet...

Give that back!

No!-- scott showed himself to be not only a fine...

The spruces and firs of this forest will be used...

Also a writer of humor and...

Britain's timber resources are being used up

At the rate of over...

One man who knew scott was angus tinker.

Much of scott's greatest work--

And I'm thinking here particularly

Of heart of midlothian and old mortality, for example--

Are concerned with preserving the life and conditions...

Forestry research here has shown

That a wholly synthetic, soft-timber fiber

Can be created, leaving the harder trees--

The oaks, the beeches, the larches and the pines

And even some of the deciduous hardwoods.

This new soft-timber fiber

Would totally replace the plywoods, hardboards and chipboards

At present dominating the...

In the waverley novels

Scott was constantly concerned to protect a way of life...

...and aspirations within the necessary limitations

Of the gothic novel.

Scott explored the tortuous

And at times self-destructive...

Developments in reinforced timber...

Scott lived in abbotsford in the heart of the country...

...a subjugated country...

...the canadian timber exports

Which were still recovering from the effects

Of two unsuccessful...

In rob roy and also in...

...the decline in hard...

Thened... then-ed...

Then.

Then! ah!

The end!

Next week on book at bedtime

Jeremy toogood will be reading anna sewell's black bu...

Butt... black beaut...

Black buttoon.

Black... bug... butom.

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