Original subtitles

Boxing tonight comes from the empire pool, wembley

And features the main heavyweight bout

Between jack bodell, british and empire heavyweight champion

And sir kenneth clark.

It's the first time these two have met

So there should be some real action tonight.

This then is the height

Of the english renaissance

The triumph of classical over gothic...

He's down.

Sir kenneth clark is down in eight seconds.

But he's up again, he's up at six.

The almost ordered facades of palladio's villas reflect...

And he's down again

And I don't think he's going to get up this time.

No, so jack bodell has defeated sir kenneth clark

In the very first round here tonight.

And so this big lincolnshire heavyweight becomes

The new oxford professor of fine art.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circuseses.

Stand and deliver!

Drop that gun!

Let that be a warning to you all.

You move at your peril for I have two pistols here.

I know one of them isn't loaded anymore

But the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure

Or just about for sure anyway.

It certainly wouldn't be

Worth your while risking it

Because I'm a very good shot.

I practice every day.

Well, not absolutely every day

But most days in the week.

I expect I must practice four or five times a week...

At least... at least four or five

Only some weekends, like last weekend

There wasn't much time

So that brings the average down a bit.

But I should say

It's definitely a solid four days' practice every week

At least.

I mean, I reckon I could hit that tree over there--

The one behind the hillock.

Not the big hillock, the little hillock on the left.

You can see the three trees--

The third from the left

And back a bit, that one--

I reckon I could hit that four times out of five...

On a good day.

Say, with this wind, say... say, seven times out of ten.

What-- that tree there?

Which one?

The big beech

With the sort of bare branch

Coming out of the top left.

No, no, not that one.

No, no, he means the one over there.

Look, do you see that one there?

Yes.

Well, now go two along to the right.

Just near that little bush.

Well, it's the one just behind it.

Ah, the elm!

That's not an elm.

An elm's got sort of great clumps of leaves like that.

That's either a beech or a, um... a, uh... a hornbeam.

A hornbeam?

No, not a hornbeam.

What's the tree that has

A leaf with sort of regular veins coming out

And the veins go all the way out to the...

Serrated!

To the serrated edges?

A willow.

That's right.

That's nothing like a willow.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

I could hit it seven times out of ten-- that's the point.

Never a willow.

Shut up!

This is a holdup, not a botany lesson.

Right! now, my fine friends, no false moves, please.

I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.

Lupins?!

Yes, lupins, come on, come on!

What do you mean-- lupins?

Don't try and play for time.

I'm not.

You mean the flower lupins?

That's right.

Well, we haven't got any lupins.

Honestly.

Look, my fine friends

I happen to know that this is the lupin express.

You must be out of your tiny mind.

Get out of the coach.

Come on, get out!

Just as I thought.

Not clever enough, my fine friends.

Come on, concorde.

Well, so much for the lupins.

Dennis moore, dennis moore

Galloping through the sward

Dennis moore, dennis moore

And his horse, concorde

He steals from the rich

And gives to the poor

Mr. moore

Mr. moore...

Here we are, I'll be back.

Mr. moore.

Morning, mrs. trepidatious.

Oh, I don't know what's good about it.

My right arm's hanging off something awful.

Oh, you want to have that seen to.

What-- by that dr. morrison?

He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils.

What do the stars say?

Well, petula clark says burst them early

But david frost...

No, the stars in the paper

You cloth-eared heap of anteater's catarrh.

The zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates

The astrological portents

The omens, the genethliac prognostications

The mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances

The fratidical premonitory utterances of the mantalogical omens.

What do the bleeding stars in the paper predict

Forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticate...

And this is where you at home can join in.

Forebode, bode, augur, spell...

Foretoken, presage, portend

Foreshow, foreshadow, fore-run

Herald, point to, betoken, indicate?!

I don't know.

What are you?

I'm nesbitt.

There's not a zodiacal sign called nesbitt.

All right, derry and toms.

"aquarius, scorpio, virgo, derry and toms.

April 29 to march 22, even dates only."

Well, what does it presage?

"you have green, scaly skin

"and a soft yellow underbelly

"with a series of finlike ridges

"running down your spine and tail.

"although lizardlike in shape

"you can grow anything up to 30 feet in length

"with huge teeth that can bite off

"great rocks and trees.

"you inhabit arid subtropical zones

And wear spectacles."

Hmm, it's very good about the spectacles.

It's amazing!

Hmm, what's yours, irene?

Basil.

I'm sorry, what's yours, basil?

No, that's my star sign-- basil.

There isn't a star sign...

Yes, there is.

"aquarius, sagittarius, derry and toms

Basil-- june 21 till june 22."

Well, what does it say?

"you have green, scaly skin

"and a series of yellow underbellies running down

Your spine and tail..."

That's exactly the same!

Oh! try another one.

What's aquarius?

It's a zodiacal sign.

I know that!

What's it say in the paper, mrs. flan-and-pickle?

All right.

Oh! it says, "a wonderful day ahead.

"you'll be surrounded by family and friends.

"roger moore will drop in for lunch

"bringing tony curtis with him.

"in the afternoon, a substantial cash sum will come your way.

"in the evening, petula clark will visit your home

"accompanied by the mike sammes singers.

"she will sing for you in your own living room.

"before you go to bed, peter wyngarde will come

And declare his undying love for you."

Both: eww!

What's scorpio?

Oh, that's very good.

"you will have lunch with a school friend of duane eddy's

"who will insist on whistling

"some of duane's greatest instrumental hits.

"in the afternoon, you will die.

You will be buried..."

Good morning.

Oh, morning, doctor.

And how's the old arm this morning, mrs. ikon?

Oh, it's still hanging off at the shoulder.

Good, well, let's have a look at it, shall we?

Oh, damn!

Oh, damn this wretched little bag.

Oh, damn, this wretched, bloody little bag.

If there's one thing I hate about being a doctor

It's this wretched, bloody little bag.

Oh, damn this wretched, bloody little bag!

Damn it!

Damn that wretched little bag.

Damn you wretched little bag!

There, right.

What's that doing in here?

Right! well...

Hand over the money.

Come on, all of it.

Thank you.

Yes, that seems to be okay.

I'll just test your reflexes.

Everything seems to be okay.

I'll see you next week.

Keep collecting the pensions

And try not to spend too much on food.

Thank you, doctor.

Morning, mr. henson.

How are we today?

Not too bad, doctor.

Okay, take it easy.

Expecting any postal orders this week?

No.

Righto.

Ah, mr. rodgers, have you got

Your unemployment benefits, please?

Right-- well, can you write me

A check then, please?

Thank you very much.

Soon have you down to nothing.

Ah, mr. millichope.

Hmm... two hours left to do.

Ooh, lovely!

Dinner's ready, dear.

Sorry, your time's up, mr. spewm.

I'm afraid you lose both the 3p suite

And your youngest daughter.

Hello.

Should there be another television channel

Or should there not?

On tonight's program, the minister for broadcasting

The right honorable mr. ian throat m.p.

Good evening.

The chairman

Of amalgamated money tv, sir abe sappenheim.

Good evening.

The shadow spokesman

For television, lord kinwoodie.

Hello.

And a television critic

Mr. patrick loone.

Hello.

Gentlemen

Should there be a fourth television channel or not?

Ian?

Yes.

Francis?

Nope.

Sir abe?

Yes.

Patrick?

No.

Well, there you have it--

Two say "will," two say "won't."

We'll be back again next week, and next week's great debate

Will be about government interference in broadcasting

And will be canceled mysteriously.

Just starting on bbc 1 now, victoria regina

The inspiring tale of the simple crofter's daughter

Who worked her way up to become queen of england

And empress of the greatest empire television has ever seen.

On bbc 2 now, episode three of george i

The new 116-part serial

About the famous english king who hasn't been done yet.

On itv now, the...

...but absolutely delightful.

But, of course, you know, who cares?

Ah! 'tis my lord of buckingham.

Pray welcome, your grace.

Thank you, grantley.

Ladies, may i introduce to you

The man who prophesied

That a german monarch would soon embroil this country

In continental affairs.

Oh, how so, my lord?

Madam, you will recall that, prior to his accession

Our gracious sovereign george had become involved

In the long-standing northern war

Through his claim to bremen and verdun.

These duchies would provide

An outlet to the sea

Of the utmost value to hanover.

The treaty of westphalia

Has assigned them to sweden.

In 1648.

Exactly.

Meanwhile, frederick william of denmark

Taking advantage of the absence of charles xii

Seized them-- 1712.

Oh, yes.

It all falls into place-- more wine?

Oh, thank you.

However, just prior to his accession

George had made an alliance

With frederick william of prussia

On the grounds of party feeling.

While frederick william had married george's only daughter.

I remember the wedding.

But chiefly, through concern

At the concerted action...

Stand and deliver!

Dennis moore!

The same.

And now, my lords, my ladies

Your lupins, please.

Our what?

Come, come, don't play games with me, my lord of buckingham.

What can you mean?

Your life or your lupins

My lord.

In a bunch, in a bunch.

Thank you, my friends.

And now a good evening to you all.

He seeks them here, he seeks them there

He seeks those lupins everywhere.

The murdering blackguard!

He's taken all our lupins.

Not quite.

Oh, you tricked him.

We still have one.

Hooray!

Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the night

Soon every lupin in the land will be in his mighty hand

He steals them from the rich and gives them to the poor

Mr. moore

Mr. moore

Mr. moore.

Try to eat some, my dear.

It'll give you strength.

Oh, mr. moore, mr. moore, she's going fast.

Don't worry, I've...

I've brought you something.

Medicine, at last?

No.

Food?

Nope.

Blankets?

Clothes, wood for the fire?

Nope.

Lupins!

Oh, christ!

I thought you'd like them.

I'm sick to bloody death of them!

So am i!

She's bloody dying

And all you bring us is lupins!

All we've eaten, mate, for the last four bleeding weeks

Is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin

Braised lupin in lupin sauce

Lupin in the basket with sauteed lupins

Lupin meringue pie, lupin sorbet.

We sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins

We feed the cat on lupins

We burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things!

Looks very smart.

Oh, shut up!

We're sick to death with the stench of them!

Look!

The cat's just choked itself to death on them!

I don't care if I never see another lupin

Till the day I die!

Why don't you go out and steal something useful?

Like what?

Like gold and silver and clothes

And wood and jewels and...

Hang on, I'll get a piece of paper.

Dennis moore, dennis moore, dum, dum, dum, the night.

Dennis moore, dennis moore, dum, de, dum, dum, plight.

He steals dum, dum, dum and dum, dum, dum, dum, dee

Dennis, dum, dennis, dee, dum, dum, dum.

This, coupled with the presence

Of peter and his prussians in mecklenburg

And charles and his swedes in pomerania

Made george and stanhope eager to come to terms with france.

Meanwhile, a breach had now opened with...

Oh, no, not again!

Oh, come on!

Stand and deliver again!

Your money, your jewelry, your... hang on...

Your clothes, your snuff, your ornaments

Your glassware, your pussy cats...

Don't say anything about the lupin.

Your watches, your lace, your spittoons...

Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the woods

Dennis moore, dennis moore, with a bag of things

He gives to the poor and he takes from the rich

Dennis moore, dennis moore...

Here we are.

Dennis moore.

Well, it may be the end of that

But it's certainly far from the end of...

Well, in fact, it's the beginning...

Well, not quite the beginning.

Well, certainly nearer the beginning than the end...

Well, yes, damn it, it is, to all intents and purposes

The beginning of this year's ideal loon exhibition

Sponsored by the daily express.

Numbskulls and boobies from all over the country

Have been arriving to go through their strange paces

Before a large paying crowd.

This is the 15th ideal loon exhibition

And we took a good look round

After it was opened by its patron.

Here's kevin bruce, the digger duffer from down under

Who's ranked 14th in the world's silly positions league.

This kind of incoherent behavior

Is really beginning to catch on down under.

There's norman kirby, from new zealand, whose specialty

Is standing behind a screen with a lady with no clothes on.

In real life, norman is a gynecologist

But this is his lunch hour.

And from france

There's a superb exhibition of rather silly behavior

By the friends of the free french osteopaths.

...trois, un, deux, trois, un, deux, trois

Un, deux, trois, un, deux, trois...

They do this over 400 times a day.

Nobody knows why.

But for sheer pointless behavior

You've got to admire brian broomers

The battling british boy who, for two weeks

Has been suspended over a tin of condemned veal.

Always popular with the crowd

Is the scotsman with nae trews exhibit

And this year's no exception.

Sponsored by natural gas and glasgow city council

This exhibit is entirely supported

By voluntary contributions.

But for a truly magnificent waste of time

You've got to go no further than the exhibit from italy--

Italian priests in custard

Discussing vital matters of the day.

These lads from a seminary near cremona

Have been practicing for well over a year.

As always, one of the great attractions

Of this 14-day exhibition

Is the display of counter marching

Given by the massed pipes and toilet requisites

Of the colwyn bay massed pipes and toilet requisites club.

An interesting point about these boys is

They all have one thing in common-- hip injuries.

Not far away, the crowds are flocking to see

A member of the famous royal canadian mounted geese.

But the climax of the whole event is the judging.

Mr. justice burke.

Well, that's the last

And let's just see those last six once again.

And the winner is number 41, mr. justice burke.

Attention, attention, suspect heading due north.

Plan 13-a is now in effect.

Whoop!

Yet fear, not like an aged florin

Can so disseminate men's eyes

That fortune, straining at a kissing touch

May stop her ceaseless search

To sport amidst the rampant thrust of time

And bring the thing undone to pass

By that with which the cock may chance an arm.

Well, that's all very well, sir

But this is an off-license.

Uh, just a bottle of sherry then, please.

Certainly, um, amontillado?

Yes, I think amontillado--

Finely grown, well-chosen

From the cask of pluto's hills

Cell'd deep within the vinous soil of spain

Wrench'd thence from fiery regions of the sun...

Yes, yes, sir, just one bottle?

Just one bottle.

Just one jot.

Just one tittle.

That's the lot.

There we are, sir.

That'll be a pound, sir.

A pound, a pound

And all around abound a pound found found

Lost lost the cost till was't embossed...

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, good victualler, nature's trencherman

Mine honest tapster...

I was just wondering, are you a poet?

No, no, I'm... I'm a solicitor.

A solicitor... oh.

Well-versed within the written law of man

Who can to those who need...

Oh, shut up!

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid I've caught poetry.

Oh, really?

Well, don't worry, sir

I used to suffer from short stories.

Really? when?

Oh, once upon a time.

There lived in wiltshire

A young chap called dennis moore.

Now, dennis was a highwayman by profession

And for several months

He'd been stealing from the rich

To give to the poor.

One day...

Here we are again.

Mr. jenkins?

There we are.

I'll be back.

Meanwhile, frederick william, busily engaged

In defending against the three great powers

The province of silesia...

Which he had seized

In the war of the austrian succession

Against his word.

Yes, I remember.

Was now dependent on pitt's subsidies.

My lords, my ladies, on your feet, please!

I must ask you to do exactly as I say

Or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes!

Well, not right between the eyes, I mean...

When I say "between the eyes"

Obviously I don't have to be that accurate.

I mean, if I hit you in that sort of area, like that

Obviously, that's all right for me.

I mean, I don't have to try

And sort of hit a point bisecting a line

Drawn between your pupils, or anything like that.

I mean, from my point of view, it's perfectly satisfactory...

What do you want?

Why are you here?

Well, why are any of us here?

I mean, when you get down to it

It's all so meaningless, isn't it?

I mean, what do any of us want?

No, no, what do you want now?

Oh, I see, oh, just the usual things

A little place of my own, the right girl...

No, no, no!

What do you want from us?

Oh, um... your gold, your silver, your jewelry.

You've taken it all.

This is all we've got left.

That's nice.

I'll have them.

Come on.

You'd better take the bloody lupin, too.

Thank you very much.

I've gone through that stage.

Dennis moore, dennis moore, etcetera, etcetera.

What you got for us today, then?

Well, I've managed to find you

Four very nice silver spoons, mr. jenkins.

Who do you think you are

Giving us poor this rubbish?

Bloody silver--

Won't have it in the house.

And those candlesticks

You got us last week

Were only 16-carat.

Yeah, why don't you go out and steal something nice

Like some venetian silver?

Or a velasquez for the outside loo.

Oh, all right.

Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the land

Dennis moore, dennis moore, without a merry band

He steals from the poor and gives to the rich

Stupid bitch.

What did you sing?

We sang, "he steals from the poor and gives to the rich."

Wait a tic...

Blimey, this redistribution of wealth

Is trickier than I thought.

Good evening, and welcome to another edition of prejudice

The show that gives you a chance to have a go

At wops, krauts, nigs, eyeties, gippos, bubbles, froggies

Chinks, yidds, jocks, polacks, paddies and dagoes.

Tonight's show comes live

From the tiny village of rabid in buckinghamshire.

And our first question tonight is from a mrs. elizabeth scrint

Who says she is going on a mediterranean cruise next week

And can't find anything wrong with the syrians.

Well, mrs. scrint, apart from being

Totally unprincipled, left-wing troublemakers

The syrians are also born skivers.

They're dirty, smelly and untrustworthy

And, of course, they're friends of the awful gippos.

Well, there you are, mrs. scrint.

Hope that answers some of your problems.

Have a nice trip.

Well, now, the result of last week's competition

When we asked you

To find a derogatory term for the belgians.

Well, the response was enormous

And we took quite a long time sorting out the winners.

There were some very clever entries.

A mrs. hatred, of leicester, said

"let's not call them anything, let's just ignore them."

And a mr. st. john, of huntingdon, said

He couldn't think of anything more derogatory than "belgians."

But in the end, we settled on three choices.

Number three, "the sprouts"

Sent in by mrs. vicious, of hastings.

Very nice.

Number two, "the phlegms"

From mrs. childmolester, of worthing.

But the winner was undoubtedly

From mrs. no-supper-for-you, from norwood in lancashire

"miserable, fat belgian bastards."

Very good, very good, thank you, carol.

But, as you know, on this program

We're not just prejudiced against race or color.

We're also prejudiced against-- yes, you've guessed--

Stinking homosexuals!

So before the streets start emptying in chelsea tonight

Let's go straight over to our popular prejudiced panel game

And invite you once again to "shoot the poof"!

And could our first contestant sign in, please?

Our first contestant is a hairdresser from...

Ooh, I never did like that kind of person.

Halt! halt!

Gentlemen, ladies, bring out your valuables, please.

Oh, no!

Come along, sir, come along.

Come along, madam.

Now...

Is that all you've got?

Yes.

Well, he's got much more than you

So you'd better have some of his.

He's got a lot of these.

Oh, sorry... pick them up in a moment.

There's about, oh, what, nine down there

So you must have about...

Oh, he's still got lots...

You've got what?

You've got more than he started with

So if I give you some of those...

Uh, well, now, look, if I give you that, uh...

Have you got a bit of jewelry?

Yes, if I give you that one

And you have some of his coins...

Is that another box?

Were you trying to hide it?

Ooh, that's nice!

I'll have that.

Right.

Now, I've got a tiara...

You've got one, you've got one.

You've got one of the boxes.

You've got one.

Anyone else got a tiara?

Take your hat off.

Oh, honestly

It's absolutely pointless

Trying to do this if you're going to cheat.

It really is awful of you.

I thought you should have won.

I mean, judicially, you swept the board.

All right, he had posture

But where was he in the summing up?

Oh, shut up, melford, there's always next year.

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