Original subtitles

Morning, sir, can I help you?

Oh, yes, I wondered if you have

Any part-time vacancies on your books.

Part-time, I'll have a look, sir.

See we've got, uh... ah, yes.

Sir walter raleigh is equipping

Another expedition to virginia.

He needs traders and sailors.

Vittlers needed

At the court of philip of spain.

Oh, yeah, and they want

Master joiners and craftsmen

For the building of the globe theater.

I see, haven't you got anything a bit more modern?

You know, like a job on the buses

Or digging the underground?

Well, no, we only have tudor jobs.

That can't be very profitable, can it?

Well, you'd be surprised, actually, sir.

The tudor economy's booming

Ever since sir humphrey gilbert

Opened up the northwest passage to cathay

And the cabots' expansion in canada

There's been a tremendous surge in exports

And trade with the holy roman empire is going...

No, quite right, it's no good at all.

What?

It's a dead loss.

We haven't put anyone in a job since 1625.

I see.

That's all?

What?

That's all you say?

Yes.

No, no, we were the tops then.

Drake got all his sailors here.

Elizabeth, we supplied the archbishops for her coronation.

Shakespeare started off from here as a temp.

Then came james i

And the bottom fell out of the tudor jobs.

1603-- 800 vacancies filled.

1604-- 4o.

1605-- none.

1606-- none.

The rest of the stuart period-- nothing.

Hanoverians-- nothing.

Victorians-- nothing.

Saxe-coburgs-- nothing.

Windsors... what did you want?

Dirty books, please.

Right.

Sir, sorry about the tudor bit.

But you can't be too careful, you know?

Have you got anything a bit, uh...?

Stronger? hold on.

My lord of warwick!

'allo!

Raise high the drawbridge.

Gloucester's troops approach.

Right!

Can't be too careful, you know, sir.

There's bridget, queen of the whip.

Yes...

Or there's naughty nora.

No...

Or there's this one:

Doug, bob and gordon visit the ark royal.

Or there's sister teresa, the spanking nun.

You don't have anything specifically

About devon and cornwall?

No, I'm afraid not, sir.

The one I was really after was

Arthur hotchkiss' devonshire country churches.

Well, how about this, sir-- bum biters?

No, not really.

And I don't suppose you've got

Any general surveys of english church architecture?

It's not really our line, sir.

No, I see, well, never mind.

I'll just take the lord lieutenant in nylons then

And I'll trade in these two copies of piggie parade.

Right, sir.

My lord of warwick!

'allo?

Raise high the drawbridge.

Gloucester's troops approach!

Right!

Just these, then.

All right, this is a raid.

My name is superintendent gaskell

And this is sergeant maddox.

Sir phillip sidney, 'tis good to see thee

On these shores again.

Shut up.

Your suit is fair and goodly cut.

Was't from antwerp?

Shut up. it's a disguise.

Right! confiscate the smutty books, maddox.

Sir phillip, prithee nay!

Listen, mate

Don't come that phillip sidney bit with me.

I'm not a bloody tudor at all.

I'm gaskell of the vice squad and this is sergeant maddox.

Maddox?!

Where's he gone?

Sir phillip, prithee rest awhile.

Look, this is the last time

I'm warning you.

I'm not sir phillip bleeding sidney.

I am superintendent harold gaskell

And this is a raid.

That'll be 540 quid, sir.

Oh, I'll just have this one then.

Maddox!

Look, this is a raid...

Honestly.

I promise you.

Where are you going?

I'm going home.

Right.

Well, I'll remember you.

Don't you worry, I'll remember you.

Pray, good sir phillip...

Don't you start.

Maddox!

Listen, I can prove to you I'm a policeman.

I'll give the names of all the men

Down in "f" division at acton.

Inspector arthur perry

Superintendent charles frodwell, my best friend

Police dogs butch, wolf, panther, maudling.

How would I know those names

If I was sir phillip sidney?

Vicar, vicar, you know me.

The gargoyle club.

I got you off the charge.

Farewell, good sir phillip.

Hey, stop!

Maddox!

You'll never get away with this, you porn merchant!

Blimey!

Maddox?

Maddox!

Oh, good sir, how glad I am to see thee come.

Forgive me weeping, but my love has gone.

Uh, listen, my name is gaskell...

Superintendent gaskell of vice squad.

Myself and sergeant maddox...

Are on a raid.

We are not tudor people.

We are the police.

Frances, what idleness is this?

Why, good sir phillip sidney!

What hast thou here?

You are sir phillip sidney?

Possibly...

But I may be superintendent gaskell

Of the vice squad.

Ah, good, sir phillip

Thy sharp-tongued wit has not deserted thee.

Come, let us eat and drink.

Stay with us awhile.

All right, sir, I think I will.

Then... then did we bust the harry tony mob

Who did seek to import

Scandinavian filth via germany.

For six years they cleaned up a packet.

The day I got whiff of them through a squealer

Did, within a week, a mop-up right good.

They're now languishing

Doing five years' bird in parkhurst.

Sir phillip!

The spaniards have landed

In the netherlands.

My lord walsingham needs you there forthwith.

Let's go.

Good luck, sir phillip!

Fight against filth!

Where are the spaniards?

Down below, sir phillip.

Their first boats are landing even now.

Right, you stay here, I'll go and get them.

Sir phillip, not alone!

'allo, 'allo!

What's going on here?

Is nothing, senor, is just some literature.

I know what literature is, you dago dustbin.

I also know what porn is.

What's this then, eh?

Is one of lope de vega's latest plays, senor.

Toledo tit parade?

What kind of a play is that?

Is very visual, senor.

Right, I'm taking this lot in

In the name of her gracious majesty queen elizabeth.

Oh, but senor.

Don't give me any trouble.

Just pile up these baskets of filth

And come with me.

No!

The battle raged long and hard

But as night fell, sidney overcame the spaniards.

6,000 copies of tits and bums

And 4,000 copies of shower sheila were seized that day.

The tide of spanish porn was stemmed.

Sir phillip sidney returned to london in triumph.

Covered in glory

Sir phillip rode home to penshurst

To see his beloved wife.

But all was not well.

Good evening all, my love.

I have returned safe from the low countries.

What art thou reading, fair one?

Oh, it is nothing, husband.

I can see 'tis something.

Uh... 'tis one of shakespeare's latest works.

Oh...

Gay boys in bondage.

What, is't-- tragedy? comedy?

Uh... 'tis, uh...

'tis a story of a... a man's great love

For his... fellow men.

How fortunate we are indeed

To have such a poet on these shores.

Indeed.

How was the war, my lord?

The spaniards were defeated thrice.

Six dozen chests of hard-core captured.

Hast brought home any spoils of war?

Yes, good my wife.

This fair coat trimmed with ermine.

Oh, lovely.

Nowt else?

No, no, fair lady, the rest was too smutty.

Now, my good wife, while I rest, read to me a while

From shakespeare's gay boys in bondage.

Uh...

Yes, my lord.

Gay boys in bondage.

"ken, 25, is a mounted policeman with a difference

"and, what a difference!

"even roger is surprised

"and he's... he's used to real men.

'tis like hamlet.

What a genius!

"but who is going to do the cooking tonight?

Roddy's got a mouthful..."

All right!

This is a raid.

Oh, we are disgraced.

There you are, maddox.

Cut the chat and get in the van.

Maddox, you recognize me.

Indeed I do, sir phillip sidney

And sad I am to see you

Caught up in this morass of filth.

Ooh, that's a long one.

Oh, oh, the glorious name of sidney is besmirched.

All is lost, oh, alas the day!

Shut up! I know this man.

It's me old mate, sergeant maddox.

You'll do time for this.

Oh, maddox, it's me, gaskell--

"f" division down at acton.

Inspector arthur frodwell...

Come on, sidney.

And you, miss.

I'm not sir phillip bleeding sidney.

Where were you?

We could have mopped up that tudor shop.

Ooh, that's a good one.

It's me, it's gaskell.

Yes, I'll explain this to you

When I get back at the station

That you've got the wrong man!

Prithee, what is't that here I hold?

If is't be brian's, than to fight I go.

But, no.

Alas, if fortune doth perceive, I am undone.

No, cyril must not know.

But no, yes, no... ah, ah, ah, resolved.

But, hark, someone approaching.

Take heed, my lord

Kevin and bruce are here.

It's so nice here, isn't it, darling?

Oh, it's beautiful.

It's... it's paris all over again.

Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?

Uh... no, no, not at all.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Uh, yes, yes, absolutely.

You're sure I won't be disturbing you?

No, no.

You're absolutely sure I won't be disturbing you?

No, no, really.

Good, because I don't want to disturb you.

I'm sorry?

I don't want to disturb you

Especially as you're being so kind

About me not disturbing you.

We don't mind, do we, darling?

No, no, darling.

Good, so I can go ahead

And join you then, can i?

Yes, yes. yes, please.

Won't be disturbing?

No, no. no, no, no.

Good, good, you're very kind.

A lot of people are far less understanding

Than you are.

A lot of people take offense while I even talk to them

Let alone when I specifically tell them

About my... being disturbing.

Well, it's not particularly disturbing.

No, absolutely, absolutely.

That's what I always say.

But you'd be amazed...

You'd be amazed at the number of people

Who really don't want me.

Too-too, too-too-too

Too-too-too, too-too-too

Too, too, too, too

Too-too, too-too-too, too.

Too-too, too-too-too...

I mean, even doing this gets people looking at me

In the most extraordinary way.

Vicar, we must be getting on.

I knew I'd disturb you, I knew I'd disturb you.

It always happens.

Whenever I've found someone

I really think I'm going to be able to get on with...

No, the thing is, we're going to be late...

Darling, come on, let's stay.

Well, just a little bit.

I mean, we will be late if we don't...

Oh, thank you, you're very kind.

Too-too, too-too-too

Too-too-too, too-too-too

Too, too, too, too...

Too-too, too-too-too...

As it turned out

Our chance meeting with the reverend arthur belling

Was to change our whole way of life

And every sunday

We'd hurry along to st. loony up the cream bun and jam...

Congregation: too-too, too-too-too

Too-too-too, too-too-too

Too, too, too, too...

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circuseses.

Right, sir, one safari snowball.

That comes to funt1,361.48

And we'll throw the nude man in for free.

All right, gentlemen, last orders, please.

Oh, do you want a drink before they close?

No, I want a kiss.

Oh, goody.

And so they lived happily ever after.

But now...

The "free repetition of doubtful words skit, spoof, jape, or vignette"

By a very underrated writer.

I have come

For some free repetition of doubtful words

On an inland telegram.

Have you the telegram in question?

I have the very thing here.

Well, slip it to me, my good chap

And let me eye the contents.

At once, mr. telegram enquiry man.

Thank you, mr. customer man.

Ha-ho! "parling, I glove you.

"clease clome at bronce.

Your troving swife, pat."

Which was the word you wanted checking?

"pat."

"pat"?

My wife's name is not pat at all.

No?

It's bat with a "b."

And therefore I will take

A quick look in the book.

Ripping.

You're quite right, old cock.

There has been a mistake.

I thought as much.

What really does it say?

It say, "go away, you silly little bleeder

"I am having another man.

Love, bat."

Quite some error.

Yes, she wouldn't call herself pat.

It's silly.

Daft, I call it.

Well, it has been a pleasure working with you.

For me, also, it has been a pleasure.

And that concludes our little skit.

The "free repetition of doubtful words thing"

By a justly underrated writer.

The end.

Good evening, tonight on is there?

We examine the question, "is there a life after death?"

And here to discuss it are three dead people...

The late sir brian hardaker

Former curator of the imperial war museum

The late professor thynne

Until recently an academic critic and broadcaster

And putting the point of view of the church of england

The very late prebendary reverend ross.

Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not?

Sir brian?

Professor?

Prebendary?

Well, there we have it-- three say "no."

On is there? next week, we'll be discussing the question

"is there enough of it about?"

Until then, good night.

Good doctor morning.

Nice year for the time of day.

Come in.

Can I down sit?

Certainly.

Well, then?

Well, I'm not going

To bush the doctor about the beat too long.

I'm going to come to point the straight immediately.

Good, good.

My particular prob

Or buglem bear, I've had ages.

For years, I've had it for donkeys.

What?

I'm up to here with it.

I'm sick to death.

I can't take you any longer

So I've come to see it.

Ah, now, this is your problem with words.

This is my problem with words.

Oh, that seems to have cleared it.

Oh, I come from alabama with my banjo on my knee

Yes, that seems to be all right.

Thank you very much.

I see, uh, but recently you have been having

This problem with your word order.

Well, absolutely, and what makes it worse

Is that sometimes at the end of a sentence

I'll come out with the wrong fuse box.

"fuse box"?

And the thing about saying the wrong word

Is that "a," I don't notice it

And "b," sometimes orange water given

Bucket of plaster.

Yes, tell me more about your problem.

Well, as I say, you'd just be talking

And out'll pudenda the wrong word

And ashtray's your uncle.

I'm awfully strawberry about it.

Upset?

It's so embarrassing

When my wife and i go to an orgy.

A party?

No, an orgy.

We live in esher.

Quite.

That's what I said.

It's such a bloody whack the diddle-o

Fal-di-ral, fa-di-da, lo-di-do-di-do-fum-fum.

Mr. burrows, this is no common problem.

You are suffering from a disease so rare

That it hasn't got a name-- not yet.

But it will have, oh, yes!

This is the opportunity I've been waiting for--

The chance of a lifetime!

I'll show them at the royal college of surgeons.

I'll make them sit up and take notice.

Thripshaw's disease!

Discovered by e. henry thripshaw, m.d.

I'll be invited on call my bluff, and the merchandising--

There'll be e. henry thripshaw t-shirts!

I'll turn it into a game!

I'll sell the film rights!

That clip... comes from the new david o. seltzer... film.

The author...

Of that film clip...

Is with me...

Now.

Dr. e. henry...

Thripshaw.

Well, I feel that they've missed the whole point of my disease.

This is...

Always the problem... with...

Directors...

Of film...

Clips.

Yes, well, you see

They've dragged in all this irrelevant mush.

What...

Are you doing...

Now?

Well, at the present moment, I'm working on a new disease

Which I hope to turn into a musical...

But primarily, we are working on a remake of my first disease

And this time we're hoping to do it properly.

Well...

Let's just...

Take a...

Look at this new...

Film...

Clip.

Well, now, what seems to be the matter?

The next sketch follows after some silly noises.

Come in.

I wondered if I could have

A word with you for a moment.

By all means, by all means, sir.

Do sit down.

Uh... sit on the desk here.

Oh, thank you.

Now then, glass of sherry?

No, thank you.

Are you sure?

I'm going to have some.

Well, if you're having some

Yes, then perhaps, vicar.

Oh, there's only just enough for me.

Well, in that case

I won't, don't worry.

You see, if I split what's left

Well, there'd hardly be any left for me at all.

Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.

Good, so I can have it all.

Now then, what's the problem?

Well, just recently

I've begun to worry about...

Oh!

Found another bottle.

You can have some now if you want to.

Oh, well then, yes, perhaps a little.

Oh, you don't have to, I can drink the whole bottle.

Um, in that case, no.

Good, that's another bottle for me-- right.

I've begun to worry recently that...

Come in!

Vicar: ah, mr. husband.

This is mr. kirkham, one of my parishioners.

This is mr. husband

Of the british sherry corporation.

Look, look, perhaps I better come back later.

No, no, no, do stay here.

Have a sherry.

You won't be long, will you, husband?

Oh, no, vicar, just a question

Of signing a few forms.

There we are.

There we are, mr. husband.

Now, how about you, mr. kirkham?

Well, only if there's enough.

Ah, well, there's not much now.

Oh... in that case, no, I won't.

Good. right.

Right, now then.

What is the problem, husband?

Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers

And the most sherry they can ship in any one load

Is 12,000 gallons.

And how many glasses is that?

That's roughly 540,000 glasses, vicar.

That's excellent, husband, excellent.

Yes, it means you can still keep your main sherry supply

On the roof, but you can have an emergency supply

Underneath the vestry, of 5,000 gallons.

Or I could have dry sherry on the roof

And amontillado in the underground tank.

Absolutely.

Excellent work, husband

Excellent work.

Not at all, vicar.

You're one of our best customers--

You and the united states.

Bye-bye, terrific.

Now, then, mr. kirkham, I am so sorry, do go on.

Well, it's just that recently

I've begun to worry about...

Well, look, does the bible intend...

Amontillado!

Amontillado!

Amontillado!

Hey, hey, hey!

Amontillado!

Amontillado!

From the old land of spain, we come to honor you

Arriba! arriba!

From miles and miles away, we salute you.

You make us so, so happy in spain

Reverend tomlinson...

Ole!

What did you want?

Dirty books, please.

Right.

E. henry thripshaw t-shirts are now available

From bbc enterprises.

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