Original subtitles

This is captain macpherson

Welcoming you aboard east scottish airways.

You'll have had your tea.

Our destination is glasgow.

There is no need to panic.

There's a bomb onboard this plane

And I'll tell you where it is

For a thousand pounds.

I don't believe you.

If you don't tell me where the bomb is...

If I don't give you the money...

Unless you give me the bomb...

The money.

The money-- thank you, pretty lady--

The bomb will explode, killing everybody.

Including you.

I'll tell you where it is for a pound.

All right, here's a pound.

I don't want scottish money.

They've got the numbers.

It can be traced.

One english pound.

Now, where's the bomb?

I can't remember.

You've forgotten?

Aye, you'd better have your pound back.

Oh... fingerprints.

Now, where's the bomb?

Wait a tick, wait a tick.

My first is in glasgow, but not in spain.

My second is in steamer, but not in train.

My whole is in the luggage compartment on the plane.

I'll tell you where the bomb is for a pound.

It's in the luggage compartment.

Right, here's your pound.

Is this character giving you any trouble?

He's just ruined this sketch.

Yes, absolutely.

Let's go on to the next one.

Wait a tick, wait a tick.

I won't ruin your sketch for a pound.

No, no.

75p.

Next item.

Well, I see my role in it as...

Oh, how can I put it... the nude man

As sort of symbolizing the two separate strands of existence

The essential nudity of man...

Oh, um...

It's a very interesting question.

Personally, I rather adhere

To the bergsonian idea of laughter

As a social sanction

Against inflexible behavior, but...

Excuse me.

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circuses.

Well, we'll be continuing

With monty python's flying circus

In just a moment.

Yes, yes, we're going back to the show

In just one moment from...

Now.

This new housing development in bristol is

One of the most interesting in the country.

It's using a variety of new techniques--

Shockproof curtain walling

A central high-voltage, self- generating electricity source

And extruded acrylic fiberglass fitments.

It's also the first major housing project in britain

To be built entirely

By characters by 19th-century english literature.

Here, little nell from dickens' old curiosity shop

Fits new nylon siphons into the asbestos-lined ceiling.

But it's the electrical system

Which has attracted the most attention.

Arthur huntington, who helen graham married as a young girl

And whose shameless conduct

Eventually drove her back to her brother, lawrence

In anne bronte's the tenant of wildfell hall

Describes why it's unique.

Because, sir, it is self-generating.

Because we have harnessed here, in this box

The very forces of life itself

The very forces that will send helen running back

To beg forgiveness.

The on-site building techniques involve the construction

Of 12-foot walling blocks

By a crowd of farmhands from tess of the d'urbervilles

Supervised by the genial landlady, mrs. jupp

From samuel butler's way of all flesh.

In contrast to the site in bristol is progress here

On britain's first 18-level motorway interchange

Being built by characters from milton's paradise lost.

What went wrong here?

Well, nobody really got on.

Satan didn't get on with eve...

Uh... archangel gabriel didn't get on with satan.

Nobody got on with the serpent.

So now they have to work a rota--

Forces of good from 10:00 till 3:00

Forces of evil, 3:00 till 6:00.

But even more modern building techniques are being used

On an expanding new town site near peterborough.

Here, the amazing mystico and janet

Can put up a block of flats by hypnosis in under a minute.

The local council here have

Over 50 hypnosis-induced 25-story blocks

Put up by el mystico and janet.

I asked mr. ken verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis

Compared to other building methods.

Oh, there is a considerable financial advantage

In using the services of el mystico.

A block, like mystico point here

Would normally cost in the region of (funt)1.5 million.

But this was put up for five pounds

And 30 bob for janet.

But the obvious question is, are they safe?

Of course they're safe.

There's absolutely no doubt about that.

They're as strong, solid and as safe

As any other building method in this country

Provided, of course, people believe in them.

Yes, we received a note from the council

Saying that if we ceased to believe in this building

It would fall down.

You don't mind living

In a figment of another man's imagination?

No, it's much better than where we used to live.

Where did you used to live?

We had an 18-room villa overlooking nice.

Really? that sounds much better.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Oh, no, no, no!

Of course not.

Phew! that was close.

But the construction of these vast new housing developments

Providing homes for many thousands of people

Is not the only project to which he has applied his many talents.

He also has an infallible pools method

A school of spanish dancing and a car hire service.

What's the driving force

Behind a man of such restless energies and boundless vision?

Here, as with so many great men of history

The answer lies in a woman.

As antony has his cleopatra...

As napoleon has his josephine...

So mystico has his janet.

Yes, janet, a quiet, shy girl

An honors graduate from harvard university

American junior sprint record holder

Ex-world skating champion, nobel prize winner

Architect, novelist and surgeon.

The girl who helped crack the oppenheimer spy ring in 1947

She gave vital evidence

To the senate narcotics commission in 1958.

She also helped to convict the woman at the chemist's in 1961

And a year later, she gave police information

Which led to the arrest of her postman.

In october of that same year

She secured the conviction of her gardener for bigamy

And three months later

Personally led the police swoop on the couple next door.

In 1967, she became suspicious of the man at the garage

And it was her dogged perseverance

And relentless inquiries

That, two years later, finally secured his conviction

For not having a license for his car radio.

He was hanged at leeds a year later

Despite the abolition of capital punishment

And the public outcry.

Also in leeds that year, a local butcher was hanged

For defaulting on mortgage repayments

And a mr. jarvis was electrocuted

For shouting in the corridor.

We admit there have been outbreaks of hanging recently

But the police are trying

To keep the situation under control.

You must remember the courts are very busy at the moment

And the odd death sentence is bound to slip through.

Electrocutions are another big worry

But we hope that guillotining has been eradicated

From the urban areas

And garroting is confined almost entirely to luton.

So if you have a friend in prison

Or under sentence of death

Be sure to let us know at this address.

...and premier chou en-lai

who called it "a major breakthrough."

Twelve men were accidentally hanged

at whitby assizes this afternoon

whilst considering their verdict.

This is one of the worst miscarriages of justice

in britain since tuesday.

Deejay: well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of nine, nine, nine

here on wonderful radio one-one-one

so if you're still lying in your big, big bed

now's the time to get up out of it.

We've got another 13 hours of tiptop sounds

here on wonderful radio one.

Oh, sorry about that.

So unless you have brain cells

or have completed the process of evolution

there's a wonderful day ah...

Must be on radio four.

Radio two...

Radio three...

Radio four.

It's 9:00 and time for mortuary hour--

an hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery

for all those who work in mortuaries

introduced as usual by shirley bassey.

Well, we're going to kick straight off this week

with our mortuary quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready.

Turn that radio off and look lively.

It's mortuary hour, mr. wang.

Don't argue, battersby.

This is our mortuary in here, your grace.

I say, I say, i, uh...

I, uh...

I, uh... i, uh...

I, i, i, uh... i, uh...

I, uh...

I... i... i...

I can't think of anything to say about it.

Well, we're very proud of it here, sir.

It's one of the most up-to-date in the country.

I see, yes, yes, yes.

Now, um... what are...

Oh, uh...

What are... uh...

What are... what...

What are... what is it?

Is it a power station?

No, your grace, it's a mortuary.

I see, I see, good, good, good, good.

Well, it has

One of the most advanced thermostat control systems

In the country

And it has computer control storage facilities.

I see, I see.

I, um...

I, uh...

Oh, i...

I, uh...

I, uh... i...

I'm a good little doggie.

I'm sorry, your grace?

I'm a good little dog.

Oh, dear.

Perhaps we should postpone the visit.

Oh, no, no, no.

You see, it's just that his brain is so tiny

The slightest movement can dislodge it.

Your grace?

Your grace?

Oh, dear, it's rather

Like one of those games you play

Where you have to get the ball into the hole...

Ah!

Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent.

Now then, uh... uh...

What happens when the steel is poured into the ingots?

Perhaps we should go and have a look at the new showers.

Yes, yes, yes, rather.

Yes, yes, yes, jolly good.

Jolly good, jolly good.

Jolly good, no fear.

Well, the answers were as follows:

number one, the left hand;

two, no; three, normal; four, yes, it has, in 1963

when a bird got caught in the mechanism.

Turn that thing off.

It's "mortuary dance time," mr. wang.

Never mind that, battersby.

This is the big one.

I've just had whitby police on the phone with 12 hangees.

Oh, yeah, we just heard about that on the radios.

No, these are 12 different ones, so shtoom.

I'll not interrupt this sketch for a pound.

What?

For one pound

I'll leave the sketch totally uninterrupted.

50p?

I'm prepared to negotiate a 40p deal.

For 35p, I won't interrupt any of the next three items.

No, it's no good.

25p?

No.

10p and a kiss.

You see, it's very simple--

I just take these cutout figures

And by putting them together...

What?

Oh, you mean we're on.

Sorry.

Hmm?

Wait, nigel.

I've got this strange feeling we're being watched.

Oh, my god, rose, it's the police.

Run for it!

Oh, lunch break.

Gott in himmel!

It's coming!

Meanwhile, 55 years later back in london...

Hello, good afternoon

And welcome to the second leg of the olympic final

Of the men's hide-and-seek

Here in the heart of britain's london.

We'll be starting in just a couple of moments from now

And there you can see the two competitors--

Francisco huron, the paraguayan

Who, in this leg, is the seeker

And there's the man he'll be looking for

Our own don roberts from hinckley in leicestershire

Who, his trainer tells me

Is at the height of his self-secreting form.

Now, in the first leg, which ended on wednesday

Don succeeded in finding the paraguayan

In the new world record time

Of 11 years, two months, 26 days

Nine hours, three minutes, 27.4 seconds

In a sweet shop in kilmarnock.

And now they're under starter's orders.

On your marks...

Get set...

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, quince

Seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez...

Once, doce, trece, catorce, quince

Diez y seis, diez y siete, diez...

Veintidos, veintitres, veinticuatro, veinticinco...

...treinta y seis, treinta y siete, treinta y ocho

Treinta y nueve...

Well, don's off to a really great start there.

Remember, the paraguayan has got

11 years, two months, 26 days, nine hours

Three minutes, 27.4 seconds to beat.

... y ocho, novecientos noventa y nueve...

Mil.

Coming!

Well, we'll be taking you back there

As soon as there are any developments.

We've just heard that something is happening

In the hide-and-seek final, so let's go straight over there.

Hello again, and welcome to madagascar

Where francisco huron is seeking don roberts.

And I've just been told

That he's been unofficially described as "cold."

Ah, wait a minute.

I've just been told

That huron has requested a plane ticket to budapest

So he's definitely getting warmer.

So we'll be back again in just a few years.

Really beginning to hot up now.

Well, here we are

On the very last day of this fantastic final.

Huron now has less than 12 hours left

To find british ace don roberts.

Early this morning, he finished combing the outskirts of lisbon

And now he seems to have staked everything

On one final desperate seek here in the tagus valley.

But roberts is over 1,500 miles away

And it's beginning to look all over, bar the shouting.

The sands of time are running out for this delving dago

This senor of seek, this perspicacious paraguayan.

He's still desperately cold

And it's beginning to look like another gold for britain.

Prego! prego, signore!

There he is!

All right.

The official result of the world hide-and-seek.

Mr. don roberts, from hinckley, leicestershire:

11 years, two months, 26 days, nine hours

Three minutes, 27 seconds.

Mr. francisco huron, paraguay:

11 years, two months, 26 days, nine hours

Three minutes, 27 seconds.

The result-- a tie.

A tie-- what a fantastic result!

Well, the replay will start tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.

Well, hello again.

Nice to be back.

Glad to see the show's been going well.

Well, now, sorry about mon-trerx.

That was a little item entitled "hide-and-seek."

Very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea

But very nice for the younger people.

Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place

In a sitting room.

Sorry it's just a sitting room, but the bank account's a bit low

After the appallingly expensive production of clochmerle.

This is a totally free interruption

And no money has changed hands whatever.

Sorry about that, darling.

Gravy?

Yes, please, dear.

Oh, dear, that'll be

The cheap-laughs from next door.

Come in.

No! just breathing heavily!

Oh, we just dropped in.

Would you like to come through?

Oh, yes.

Well, good night and give us a kiss.

Oh, thank you very much for a very nice evening.

After you, dear.

Right-o!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, honestly, dear, why do we always have to buy everything

Just because the cheap-laughs have one?

This is not an interruption at all.

It's just neighborliness, dear, that's all.

Well, I think we should try and lead our own lives from now on.

Ooh!

Can't you be serious for just one moment?

Darling, I'm sorry I was cross earlier.

Oh, that's all right, dear.

It's just that I get so sick

Of always having to be like the cheap-laughs.

Yes, well, from now on we'll be like ourselves.

Oh, roger!

Oh, beatrice!

Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried

About bullfighting.

They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral

But also blatantly unfair.

The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive

With four legs and great sharp teeth

Whereas the bullfighter is only a small, greasy spaniard.

Given this basic inequality

What can be done to make bullfighting safer?

We asked brigadier arthur farquar-smith

Chairman of the british well-basically club.

Well, basically, it's quite apparent

That these minuscule dago chappies have got it all wrong.

They prance round the bull

Like a lot of bally nightclub dancers

Looking like the younger generation

Or a less smooth version of the lionel blair troupe

With much of the staccato rhythms

Of the irving davies dancers at the height of their success.

In recent years

Pan's people have often recaptured a lyricism...

And what we must do now

Is to use devices like radar to locate the bull

And sam missiles fired from underground silos

To knock the bull over.

Then I would send in scottish boys with air cover

To provide a diversion for the bull

Whilst the navy came in round the back and finished him off.

That to me would be bullfighting

And not this pansy kind of lyrical, evocative movement

Which george balanchine and martha graham in the states

And our very own sadler's wells...

Troops could be used in an auxiliary role

In international chess, where...

What?

I'll put the lights on again for a pound.

I'm sorry about this interruption

But we'll soon put things right

With just a simple little push of a button.

Oh, ow!

Help! oh, no!

Oh! oh, dear!

That's okay...

No, no, please.

Oh, oh-oh! wow!

Oh! no, no, no!

Oh, oh, dear!

Ow! oh!

"extra" holt mehr schmutz aus ihrer waesche.

Sehen sie selbst.

What?

I'm very sorry, but I don't know

Why I've been included in zis cartoon.

That's a bloody lie!

It's quite obvious what's going on here.

This whole thing is loaded with political significance.

I was right.

This is the planet algon

Fifth world in the system of aldebaran

The red giant in the constellation of sagittarius.

Here an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate costs funt4 million.

An immersion heater for the hot-water tank costs

Over funt6 billion

And a pair of split-crotch panties

Would be almost unobtainable.

A simple rear-window demisting device for an 1100

Costs funt8,000 million billion

And a new element for an electric kettle like this

Would cost as much as the entire gross national product

Of the united states of america from 1770 to the year 2000

And even then, they wouldn't be able to afford

The small fixing ring which attaches it to the kettle.

Well, our computers have been working all day

To try and analyze the dramatic information that's coming in

From this first ever intergalactic probe, algon i.

And we're just getting an interesting development now

Which is that attachments for rotary mowers--

That is, mowers that have a central circular blade--

Are relatively inexpensive!

Still in the region of nine to ten million pounds

But it does seem to indicate

That algon might be a very good planet

For those with larger gardens

Or perhaps even an orchard that's been left for two years

Needs some heavy work, some weeding.

But we're now getting some live pictures through from algon!

Harry, perhaps you could talk us through them.

Very little evidence of shopping facilities here.

There don't seem to be any large supermarkets.

There may be some on-the-corner grocery stores

Behind those rocks

But it's difficult to tell from this angle.

It does seem to suggest

That most of the shopping here is by direct mail.

Well, of course

The big question that everyone's asking here

Is what about those split-crotch panties?

Are they going to be unobtainable

Throughout the universe, or merely on algon itself?

Professor?

We must remember

That algon is over 75,000 miles wide.

The probe's come down in this area here

And we're really only getting signals

From a radius of 30 or 40 miles around the probe.

Split-crotch panties, or indeed any items

Of what we scientists call "sexy underwear" or "erotic lingerie"

May be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet.

Professor, you were responsible for finding

Scanty-panties and golden goddess high-lift bras

On planets which weren't thought able to sustain life.

And now that man has discovered a new galaxy

Do you think we're going to see

Underwear become even naughtier?

Oh, naughtier and naughtier.

Well, so much for that.

But, of course, the probe itself has excited

A great deal of interest

For it contains uranium-based dual transmission cells

Entirely recharged by solar radiation

Which can take off a bra and panties in less than 15 seconds.

It is, of course, the first piece of space hardware

To be specially designed to undress ladies

And so there are bound to be some teething troubles

Such as how to cope

With the combination of elastic-sided boots and tights.

But I think we're getting some pictures now from algon itself

And it looks as though... yes!

The satellite has found a bird!

The probe has struck crumpet, and she looks pretty good, too!

Professor?

Ja, she's a real honey!

Well, the pictures are a bit sporadic.

I think probably the solar radiation

During the long journey to algon...

Hoy! look!

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

We've lost contact.

We'll try and reestablish contact with algon...

Hello, the bbc have offered me the sum of 40p

To read the credits of this show.

Personally, I thought they should have held out

For the full 75, but the bbc have explained to me

About their financial difficulties

And, uh, I decided to accept the reduced offer.

So, "the show was conceived, written and performed

"by the usual lot.

"also appearing were

"carol cleveland, marie anderson, mrs. idle;

"makeup, madelaine gaffney ;

"costumes, hazel pethig; animations by terry gilliam;

"visual effects designer, bernard wilkie;

"graphics, bob blagden;

"film cameraman, alan featherstone;

"film editor, ray millichope; sound, richard chubb;

"lighting, bill bailey ; designer, bob berk;

"produced by ian macnaughton

"for 92p and a bottle of bells whisky.

It was a bbc colour production."

Uh, I think that's just it.

I'd like to say if there are any bbc producers looking in

Who need people to read the credits for them

I would personally...

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