All language subtitles for Monty Pythons Flying Circus s03e09 The Nude Organist.eng

This is
captain macpherson

Welcoming you aboard
east scottish airways.

You'll have had
your tea.

Our destination
is glasgow.

There is no need
to panic.

There's a bomb
onboard this plane

And I'll tell you
where it is

For a thousand pounds.

I don't
believe you.

If you don't tell me
where the bomb is...

If I don't give you
the money...

Unless you give me
the bomb...

The money.

The money-- thank you,
pretty lady--

The bomb will explode,
killing everybody.

Including you.

I'll tell you where it is
for a pound.

All right,
here's a pound.

I don't want
scottish money.

They've got
the numbers.

It can be traced.

One english pound.

Now, where's
the bomb?

I can't remember.

You've forgotten?

Aye, you'd better have
your pound back.

Oh... fingerprints.

Now, where's
the bomb?

Wait a tick,
wait a tick.

My first is in glasgow,
but not in spain.

My second is in steamer,
but not in train.

My whole is in the luggage
compartment on the plane.

I'll tell you where
the bomb is for a pound.

It's in the luggage
compartment.

Right, here's your pound.

Is this character
giving you any trouble?

He's just ruined
this sketch.

Yes, absolutely.

Let's go on
to the next one.

Wait a tick,
wait a tick.

I won't ruin your
sketch for a pound.

No, no.

75p.

Next item.

Well, I see my role in it as...

Oh, how can I put it...
the nude man

As sort of symbolizing the two
separate strands of existence

The essential nudity of man...

Oh, um...

It's a very
interesting question.

Personally,
I rather adhere

To the bergsonian idea
of laughter

As a social sanction

Against inflexible
behavior, but...

Excuse me.

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circuses.

Well, we'll be continuing

With monty python's
flying circus

In just a moment.

Yes, yes, we're going back
to the show

In just one moment from...

Now.

This new housing development
in bristol is

One of the most interesting
in the country.

It's using a variety
of new techniques--

Shockproof curtain walling

A central high-voltage, self-
generating electricity source

And extruded acrylic
fiberglass fitments.

It's also the first major
housing project in britain

To be built entirely

By characters by 19th-century
english literature.

Here, little nell from dickens'
old curiosity shop

Fits new nylon siphons
into the asbestos-lined ceiling.

But it's the electrical system

Which has attracted
the most attention.

Arthur huntington, who helen
graham married as a young girl

And whose shameless conduct

Eventually drove her back
to her brother, lawrence

In anne bronte's
the tenant of wildfell hall

Describes why it's unique.

Because, sir,
it is self-generating.

Because we have harnessed here,
in this box

The very forces of life itself

The very forces that will
send helen running back

To beg forgiveness.

The on-site building techniques
involve the construction

Of 12-foot walling blocks

By a crowd of farmhands
from tess of the d'urbervilles

Supervised by the genial
landlady, mrs. jupp

From samuel butler's
way of all flesh.

In contrast to the site
in bristol is progress here

On britain's first
18-level motorway interchange

Being built by characters
from milton's paradise lost.

What went wrong here?

Well, nobody really got on.

Satan didn't get on with eve...

Uh... archangel gabriel
didn't get on with satan.

Nobody got on with the serpent.

So now they have
to work a rota--

Forces of good
from 10:00 till 3:00

Forces of evil, 3:00 till 6:00.

But even more modern building
techniques are being used

On an expanding new town site
near peterborough.

Here, the amazing mystico
and janet

Can put up a block of flats
by hypnosis in under a minute.

The local council here have

Over 50 hypnosis-induced
25-story blocks

Put up by el mystico and janet.

I asked mr. ken verybigliar
the advantages of hypnosis

Compared to
other building methods.

Oh, there is a considerable
financial advantage

In using the services
of el mystico.

A block, like mystico point here

Would normally cost
in the region of (funt)1.5 million.

But this was put up
for five pounds

And 30 bob for janet.

But the obvious question is,
are they safe?

Of course they're safe.

There's absolutely no doubt
about that.

They're as strong,
solid and as safe

As any other building method
in this country

Provided, of course,
people believe in them.

Yes, we received a note
from the council

Saying that if we ceased
to believe in this building

It would fall down.

You don't mind living

In a figment of
another man's imagination?

No, it's much better
than where we used to live.

Where did you
used to live?

We had an 18-room villa
overlooking nice.

Really? that sounds much better.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Oh, no, no, no!

Of course not.

Phew! that was close.

But the construction of these
vast new housing developments

Providing homes
for many thousands of people

Is not the only project to which
he has applied his many talents.

He also has
an infallible pools method

A school of spanish dancing
and a car hire service.

What's the driving force

Behind a man of such restless
energies and boundless vision?

Here, as with so many
great men of history

The answer lies in a woman.

As antony has his cleopatra...

As napoleon has his josephine...

So mystico has his janet.

Yes, janet, a quiet, shy girl

An honors graduate
from harvard university

American junior sprint
record holder

Ex-world skating champion,
nobel prize winner

Architect, novelist and surgeon.

The girl who helped crack
the oppenheimer spy ring in 1947

She gave vital evidence

To the senate
narcotics commission in 1958.

She also helped to convict the
woman at the chemist's in 1961

And a year later,
she gave police information

Which led to the arrest
of her postman.

In october of that same year

She secured the conviction
of her gardener for bigamy

And three months later

Personally led the police swoop
on the couple next door.

In 1967, she became suspicious
of the man at the garage

And it was
her dogged perseverance

And relentless inquiries

That, two years later,
finally secured his conviction

For not having a license
for his car radio.

He was hanged at leeds
a year later

Despite the abolition
of capital punishment

And the public outcry.

Also in leeds that year,
a local butcher was hanged

For defaulting
on mortgage repayments

And a mr. jarvis
was electrocuted

For shouting in the corridor.

We admit there have been
outbreaks of hanging recently

But the police are trying

To keep the situation
under control.

You must remember the courts are
very busy at the moment

And the odd death sentence
is bound to slip through.

Electrocutions are
another big worry

But we hope that guillotining
has been eradicated

From the urban areas

And garroting is confined
almost entirely to luton.

So if you have a friend
in prison

Or under sentence of death

Be sure to let us know
at this address.

...and premier chou en-lai

who called it
"a major breakthrough."

Twelve men were
accidentally hanged

at whitby assizes this afternoon

whilst considering
their verdict.

This is one of the worst
miscarriages of justice

in britain since tuesday.

Deejay:
well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of nine, nine, nine

here on wonderful
radio one-one-one

so if you're still lying
in your big, big bed

now's the time to get up
out of it.

We've got another 13 hours
of tiptop sounds

here on wonderful radio one.

Oh, sorry about that.

So unless you have brain cells

or have completed the process
of evolution

there's a wonderful day ah...

Must be
on radio four.

Radio two...

Radio three...

Radio four.

It's 9:00 and time
for mortuary hour--

an hour of talks, tunes
and downright tomfoolery

for all those who work
in mortuaries

introduced as usual
by shirley bassey.

Well, we're going to kick
straight off this week

with our mortuary quiz, so have
your pens and pencils ready.

Turn that radio off
and look lively.

It's mortuary hour,
mr. wang.

Don't argue,
battersby.

This is our mortuary
in here, your grace.

I say, I say, i, uh...

I, uh...

I, uh... i, uh...

I, i, i, uh... i, uh...

I, uh...

I... i... i...

I can't think of anything
to say about it.

Well, we're very proud
of it here, sir.

It's one of
the most up-to-date in the country.

I see, yes, yes, yes.

Now, um... what are...

Oh, uh...

What are... uh...

What are... what...

What are... what is it?

Is it a power station?

No, your grace, it's a mortuary.

I see, I see,
good, good, good, good.

Well, it has

One of the most advanced
thermostat control systems

In the country

And it has computer control
storage facilities.

I see, I see.

I, um...

I, uh...

Oh, i...

I, uh...

I, uh... i...

I'm a good
little doggie.

I'm sorry, your grace?

I'm a good little dog.

Oh, dear.

Perhaps we should
postpone the visit.

Oh, no, no, no.

You see, it's just that
his brain is so tiny

The slightest movement
can dislodge it.

Your grace?

Your grace?

Oh, dear,
it's rather

Like one of those
games you play

Where you have
to get the ball into the hole...

Ah!

Excellent, excellent,
excellent, excellent.

Now then, uh... uh...

What happens when the steel
is poured into the ingots?

Perhaps we should go and have
a look at the new showers.

Yes, yes, yes, rather.

Yes, yes, yes, jolly good.

Jolly good, jolly good.

Jolly good, no fear.

Well, the answers were
as follows:

number one, the left hand;

two, no; three, normal;
four, yes, it has, in 1963

when a bird got caught
in the mechanism.

Turn that thing off.

It's "mortuary dance
time," mr. wang.

Never mind that, battersby.

This is the big one.

I've just had whitby police
on the phone with 12 hangees.

Oh, yeah, we just
heard about that on the radios.

No, these are 12 different ones,
so shtoom.

I'll not interrupt
this sketch for a pound.

What?

For one pound

I'll leave the sketch
totally uninterrupted.

50p?

I'm prepared to negotiate
a 40p deal.

For 35p, I won't interrupt
any of the next three items.

No, it's no good.

25p?

No.

10p and a kiss.

You see, it's very simple--

I just take these cutout figures

And by putting them together...

What?

Oh, you mean we're on.

Sorry.

Hmm?

Wait, nigel.

I've got this strange feeling
we're being watched.

Oh, my god, rose,
it's the police.

Run for it!

Oh, lunch break.

Gott in himmel!

It's coming!

Meanwhile, 55 years later
back in london...

Hello, good afternoon

And welcome to the second leg
of the olympic final

Of the men's hide-and-seek

Here in the heart
of britain's london.

We'll be starting in just
a couple of moments from now

And there you can see
the two competitors--

Francisco huron,
the paraguayan

Who, in this leg, is the seeker

And there's the man
he'll be looking for

Our own don roberts
from hinckley in leicestershire

Who, his trainer tells me

Is at the height
of his self-secreting form.

Now, in the first leg,
which ended on wednesday

Don succeeded in finding
the paraguayan

In the new world record time

Of 11 years, two months, 26 days

Nine hours, three minutes,
27.4 seconds

In a sweet shop in kilmarnock.

And now they're
under starter's orders.

On your marks...

Get set...

Uno, dos, tres,
cuatro, quince

Seis, siete, ocho,
nueve, diez...

Once, doce, trece,
catorce, quince

Diez y seis, diez
y siete, diez...

Veintidos, veintitres,
veinticuatro, veinticinco...

...treinta y seis,
treinta y siete, treinta y ocho

Treinta y nueve...

Well, don's off to
a really great start there.

Remember, the paraguayan has got

11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours

Three minutes,
27.4 seconds to beat.

... y ocho, novecientos
noventa y nueve...

Mil.

Coming!

Well, we'll be taking
you back there

As soon as there are
any developments.

We've just heard
that something is happening

In the hide-and-seek final,
so let's go straight over there.

Hello again,
and welcome to madagascar

Where francisco huron
is seeking don roberts.

And I've just been told

That he's been unofficially
described as "cold."

Ah, wait a minute.

I've just been told

That huron has requested
a plane ticket to budapest

So he's definitely
getting warmer.

So we'll be back again
in just a few years.

Really beginning to hot up now.

Well, here we are

On the very last day
of this fantastic final.

Huron now has less
than 12 hours left

To find british ace don roberts.

Early this morning, he finished
combing the outskirts of lisbon

And now he seems
to have staked everything

On one final desperate seek
here in the tagus valley.

But roberts is
over 1,500 miles away

And it's beginning to look
all over, bar the shouting.

The sands of time are running
out for this delving dago

This senor of seek,
this perspicacious paraguayan.

He's still desperately cold

And it's beginning to look
like another gold for britain.

Prego! prego,
signore!

There he is!

All right.

The official result of
the world hide-and-seek.

Mr. don roberts, from
hinckley, leicestershire:

11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours

Three minutes,
27 seconds.

Mr. francisco huron,
paraguay:

11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours

Three minutes,
27 seconds.

The result-- a tie.

A tie-- what a fantastic result!

Well, the replay will start
tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.

Well, hello again.

Nice to be back.

Glad to see the show's
been going well.

Well, now,
sorry about mon-trerx.

That was a little item
entitled "hide-and-seek."

Very anarchic, very effective,
not quite my cup of tea

But very nice
for the younger people.

Well, the next item the boys
have put together takes place

In a sitting room.

Sorry it's just a sitting room,
but the bank account's a bit low

After the appallingly expensive
production of clochmerle.

This is a totally
free interruption

And no money has
changed hands whatever.

Sorry about that, darling.

Gravy?

Yes, please, dear.

Oh, dear, that'll be

The cheap-laughs
from next door.

Come in.

No! just
breathing heavily!

Oh, we just dropped in.

Would you like
to come through?

Oh, yes.

Well, good night
and give us a kiss.

Oh, thank you very much
for a very nice evening.

After you, dear.

Right-o!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, honestly, dear, why do we
always have to buy everything

Just because
the cheap-laughs have one?

This is not
an interruption at all.

It's just neighborliness,
dear, that's all.

Well, I think we should try and
lead our own lives from now on.

Ooh!

Can't you be serious
for just one moment?

Darling, I'm sorry
I was cross earlier.

Oh, that's
all right, dear.

It's just that
I get so sick

Of always having to be
like the cheap-laughs.

Yes, well, from now on
we'll be like ourselves.

Oh, roger!

Oh, beatrice!

Many people in this country are
becoming increasingly worried

About bullfighting.

They say it's not only cruel,
vicious and immoral

But also blatantly unfair.

The bull is heavy, violent,
abusive and aggressive

With four legs
and great sharp teeth

Whereas the bullfighter is
only a small, greasy spaniard.

Given this basic inequality

What can be done to make
bullfighting safer?

We asked brigadier
arthur farquar-smith

Chairman of the british
well-basically club.

Well, basically,
it's quite apparent

That these minuscule dago
chappies have got it all wrong.

They prance round the bull

Like a lot of
bally nightclub dancers

Looking like
the younger generation

Or a less smooth version
of the lionel blair troupe

With much of
the staccato rhythms

Of the irving davies dancers
at the height of their success.

In recent years

Pan's people have often
recaptured a lyricism...

And what we must do now

Is to use devices like radar
to locate the bull

And sam missiles fired
from underground silos

To knock the bull over.

Then I would send in
scottish boys with air cover

To provide a diversion
for the bull

Whilst the navy came in round
the back and finished him off.

That to me would be
bullfighting

And not this pansy kind of
lyrical, evocative movement

Which george balanchine
and martha graham in the states

And our very own
sadler's wells...

Troops could be used
in an auxiliary role

In international chess, where...

What?

I'll put the lights
on again for a pound.

I'm sorry about
this interruption

But we'll soon put things right

With just a simple
little push of a button.

Oh, ow!

Help! oh, no!

Oh! oh, dear!

That's okay...

No, no, please.

Oh, oh-oh! wow!

Oh! no, no, no!

Oh, oh, dear!

Ow! oh!

"extra" holt mehr schmutz
aus ihrer waesche.

Sehen sie selbst.

What?

I'm very sorry, but I don't know

Why I've been included
in zis cartoon.

That's a bloody lie!

It's quite obvious
what's going on here.

This whole thing is loaded
with political significance.

I was right.

This is the planet algon

Fifth world
in the system of aldebaran

The red giant in the
constellation of sagittarius.

Here an ordinary cup of drinking
chocolate costs funt4 million.

An immersion heater
for the hot-water tank costs

Over funt6 billion

And a pair
of split-crotch panties

Would be almost unobtainable.

A simple rear-window
demisting device for an 1100

Costs funt8,000 million billion

And a new element for
an electric kettle like this

Would cost as much as the
entire gross national product

Of the united states of america
from 1770 to the year 2000

And even then, they
wouldn't be able to afford

The small fixing ring
which attaches it to the kettle.

Well, our computers
have been working all day

To try and analyze the dramatic
information that's coming in

From this first ever
intergalactic probe, algon i.

And we're just getting
an interesting development now

Which is that attachments
for rotary mowers--

That is, mowers that have
a central circular blade--

Are relatively inexpensive!

Still in the region of
nine to ten million pounds

But it does seem to indicate

That algon might be
a very good planet

For those with larger gardens

Or perhaps even an orchard
that's been left for two years

Needs some heavy work,
some weeding.

But we're now getting some live
pictures through from algon!

Harry, perhaps you could
talk us through them.

Very little evidence of
shopping facilities here.

There don't seem to be
any large supermarkets.

There may be some
on-the-corner grocery stores

Behind those rocks

But it's difficult
to tell from this angle.

It does seem to suggest

That most of the shopping here
is by direct mail.

Well, of course

The big question
that everyone's asking here

Is what about those
split-crotch panties?

Are they going
to be unobtainable

Throughout the universe,
or merely on algon itself?

Professor?

We must remember

That algon is
over 75,000 miles wide.

The probe's come down
in this area here

And we're really
only getting signals

From a radius of 30
or 40 miles around the probe.

Split-crotch panties,
or indeed any items

Of what we scientists call "sexy
underwear" or "erotic lingerie"

May be much more plentiful
on other parts of the planet.

Professor, you were
responsible for finding

Scanty-panties and golden
goddess high-lift bras

On planets which weren't
thought able to sustain life.

And now that man has
discovered a new galaxy

Do you think we're
going to see

Underwear become
even naughtier?

Oh, naughtier
and naughtier.

Well, so much for that.

But, of course, the probe
itself has excited

A great deal of interest

For it contains uranium-based
dual transmission cells

Entirely recharged
by solar radiation

Which can take off a bra and
panties in less than 15 seconds.

It is, of course, the first
piece of space hardware

To be specially designed
to undress ladies

And so there are bound
to be some teething troubles

Such as how to cope

With the combination of
elastic-sided boots and tights.

But I think we're getting some
pictures now from algon itself

And it looks as though... yes!

The satellite has found a bird!

The probe has struck crumpet,
and she looks pretty good, too!

Professor?

Ja, she's a real honey!

Well, the pictures
are a bit sporadic.

I think probably
the solar radiation

During the long
journey to algon...

Hoy! look!

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

We've lost contact.

We'll try and reestablish
contact with algon...

Hello, the bbc have
offered me the sum of 40p

To read the credits
of this show.

Personally, I thought
they should have held out

For the full 75, but
the bbc have explained to me

About their
financial difficulties

And, uh, I decided to accept
the reduced offer.

So, "the show was conceived,
written and performed

"by the usual lot.

"also appearing were

"carol cleveland,
marie anderson, mrs. idle;

"makeup, madelaine gaffney ;

"costumes, hazel pethig;
animations by terry gilliam;

"visual effects designer,
bernard wilkie;

"graphics, bob blagden;

"film cameraman,
alan featherstone;

"film editor, ray millichope;
sound, richard chubb;

"lighting, bill bailey ;
designer, bob berk;

"produced by ian macnaughton

"for 92p and
a bottle of bells whisky.

It was a bbc colour production."

Uh, I think that's just it.

I'd like to say if there are
any bbc producers looking in

Who need people to read
the credits for them

I would personally...

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