Original subtitles

August 18-- fell off near bovey tracey.

The pump caught in my trouser leg.

My pump caught in my trouser leg

And my sandwiches were badly crushed.

35p, please.

These sandwiches, however

Were an excellent substitute.

Give us ten woods, barney.

Hello.

It's funny, isn't it

How one can go through life--

As I have-- disliking bananas

And being indifferent to cheese

But still be able to eat and enjoy

A banana-and-cheese sandwich like this.

35p.

Ah!

Oh, I have only a 50.

Do you have change?

Well, I'll have to look, but I may have to go to the bank.

I'm most awfully sorry.

15p.

Oh, what a stroke of luck.

Well, all the very best...

And thank you again

For the excellent banana- and-cheese delicacy.

August 23-- fell off near budleigh salterton.

...and the pump got caught in my trouser leg...

And that's how they were damaged.

The eggs-- you remember

The hard-boiled eggs I was telling you about.

They were in a tupperware container--

Reputedly self-sealing

Which fell open upon contact

With the tar-macadam surface of the road...

The b-489, the dawlish road.

That shouldn't happen to a self-sealing container

Now, should it?

What do you keep your hard-boiled eggs in?

I think in future

I will lash them to the handlebars with adhesive tape!

This should obviate a recurrence of the same problem!

Well, I can't stand around here chatting all day!

I'm on a cycling tour of north cornwall!

Must be off!

August 26-- fell off near ottery st. mary.

The pump caught in my trouser leg.

Decide to wear short trousers from now on.

Fell off near tiverton.

Perhaps a shorter pump is the answer.

Excuse me, madam.

I wonder if you could tell me

Of a good bicycle shop in this village

Where I could either find

A means of adapting my present pump

Or, failing that, of purchasing a replacement.

There's only one shop here.

What a stroke of luck.

Now perhaps cycling will become less precarious.

Yes?

Uh... a mr. pither to see you, doctor.

His bicycle pump got caught in his sock.

Oh, thank you, nurse, show him in, please.

This way, please.

Good morning.

And a very good morning to you, too, doctor.

I understand you had an accident.

That's right, my pump got...

Caught in your sock.

Absolutely, yes.

And my fruit cake was damaged on one side.

It's got grit all over it.

Are you in pain?

Oh, heavens, no.

Ah, well, where are you hurt?

Oh, fortunately, i escaped without injury.

Well, what is the trouble?

Please, could you tell me the way to iddesleigh?

I'm a doctor, you know.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Normally, I would have asked

A policeman or a minister of the church

But finding no one available, I thought it better

To consult a professional man

Rather than rely

On the possibly confused testimony of a passerby.

Oh, all right.

Take this to a chemist.

Thank you.

September 2...

Did not fall off outside iddesleigh.

Fell off in tavistock.

My foot caught in my trouser leg and that's how the bottle broke.

Tell her today-- you could ring her.

I can't, I can't.

I said you'd never guess.

16 years we've been together.

I can't just ring her up.

Well, if you can't do it now, you never will.

Do you like tizer?

What?

Do you want me or not, james?

It's your decision.

I suppose it is still available in this area, is it?

Do you want me or not, james?

What?

A tizer!

Yes or no?

Is it still available in this area?

I don't know.

I see-- in that case

It's good-bye forever, james.

No!

I mean yes!

Oh, it is, is it?

No!

Oh!

You never could make up your mind.

I can.

Good-bye, james.

I have.

No, wait, lucille!

Does your lovely little daughter like tizer, eh?

Lucille!

Wouldn't mind buying her a bottle of tizer...

If it's still available in this area.

Would you like me to show you the door?

Oh, that's extremely kind of you

But I saw it on the way in.

You stupid, interfering little rat!

I'm kind of confused.

I had just fallen off my bicycle--

This is most kind of you--

And my lemon curd tartlet had...

Damn your lemon curd tart!

Just had a chat with your dad.

My rubber instep caught

On the rear mudguard stanchion and...

Really? and what happened to the corned beef rolls?

The corned beef rolls were crushed out of all...

Here, how did you know about my corned beef rolls?

I noticed them-- or what remained of them-- in the road.

I noticed also that the lemon curd tart

Had sustained some superficial damage.

That's right, the curd had become...

Detached from the pastry base.

Absolutely right, yes.

Otherwise, the contents of the sandwich box

Were relatively unharmed

Although I detected small particles of bitumen

In the chocolate cupcakes.

But they were wrapped in foil.

Not the hard chocolate top, I'm afraid.

Oh, that's the bit I like.

The sausage roll, the crisps

And the ginger biscuit were unscathed.

How do you know so much about cycling?

Well, I'm making a special study

Of accidents involving food.

Yes-- do you know, in our laboratories

We have developed a cheese sandwich that can withstand

An impact of up to 4,000 pounds per square inch?

Good heavens!

Amazing, isn't it?

We've also developed a tomato

Which can eject itself when an accident is imminent.

Even when it's in an egg and tomato roll?

Anywhere, even if it's in your stomach.

If it senses an accident

It will come up your throat

And out of the window.

Do you know what this means?

Safer food!

Exactly.

No longer will food be squashed, crushed and damaged

By the ignorance and stupidity of the driver.

Whole picnics will be built

To withstand the most enormous forces!

Snacks will be safer than ever!

A simple pot of salad dressing

Treated in our laboratories

Has been subjected to the impact

Of a 4,000-pound steam hammer every day

For the last 16 years, and has it broken?

Well... uh...

Yes, of course it has.

But there are other ideas--

Safety straps for sardines, for example.

Here, that tomato has just ejected itself!

Really?

It works! it works!

What a strange turn this cycling tour has taken.

Mr. gulliver appears to have lost his memory

And far from being interested in safer food

Is now convinced

That he is clodagh rogers, the young girl singer.

I am taking him for medical attention.

Is this the casualty department?

Yes, that's right.

And what can I do for you?

I am at present

On a cycling tour of the north cornwall area

Taking in bude and...

Yes, could I have your name, please?

Ah, my name is pither.

What?

P-i-t-h-e-r...

As in "brotherhood"

Except with p-i instead of the b-r-o and no "hood."

Yes, I see.

I have just visited taunton...

Shh!

I was cycling north towards...

Yes, where were you injured?

Just where the a-237 ilfracombe road meets the...

On your body.

Ah, no, it's not I who was injured, it's my friend.

Name?

Pither.

No, no, no, no, your friend's name.

Oh, clodagh rogers.

Clodagh rogers?!

Well, only since about 4:30...

Yes, I think you'd better talk to dr. wu.

Doctor!

What?

Damn!

I am on a cycling tour

Of north cornwall, taking in...

He thinks he's had an accident.

I have a friend who, as a result of his injuries

Thinks he is clodagh rogers.

He what?

Well, what happened was...

September 4...

Well, I never.

We are now in the alpes maritimes region

Of southern france.

Clodagh seems more intent on reaching moscow

Than on rehearsing her new bbc 2 series

With buddy rich and the younger generation.

Oh, hello.

We cannot stay here.

We must leave immediately.

There is a ship in marseilles.

I did enjoy your song for europe, clodagh.

I have seen an agent in the town.

My life is in danger!

Danger, clodagh?

Stalin has always hated me!

No one hates you, clodagh.

I will not let myself fall into the hands of these scum!

I think you should go and have a little lie down, my dear.

There's a busy day tomorrow

Of concerts and promotional tours.

I?! who was one of the founders

Of the greatest nation on earth?!

I?! whom lenin has called his greatest friend?!

Taisez-vous, taisez-vous!

Oh, dear.

I?! who have worked all my life

That my people should live?!

Qu'est-ce que le bruit?

C'est impossible!

Oh, my name is pither.

Oh, you are english?

Uh, yes, that's right.

I'm on a cycling tour of north cornwall...

I will not be defeated!

I will return to my country

To fight against this new tyranny!

This is clodagh rogers, the irish-born girl singer.

O, mais oui, c'est clodagh rogers--

"jack in the box"!

I'm just a jack in the box, I know whenever love knocks

I'm gonna bounce up and down on my spring

Boom-boom-boom!

Genevieve!

Paul!

C'est clodagh rogers

La fameuse chanteuse anglaise.

I will never surrender!

I will never...

Excusez-moi, madame clodagh.

Ecrivez-vous votre nom

Dans mon livre des hommes celebres, s'il vous plait.

La, au-dessous de le denis compton.

Maman! ce n'est pas la belle clodagh.

Quoi?

C'est trotsky, le revolutionnaire!

Trotsky?!

Mais il ne chante pas.

Il chante un peu.

Mais pas professionnellement.

Tu penses de lenin.

Ah! lenin, eh? quel chanteur!

If I ruled the world...

Every day would be the first day of spring...

Lenin! my friend!

I come!

Excuse her...

She's not been very well recently--

Pressure of work, laryngitis, you know...

Et aussi monsieur kerensky

Avec le little white bull, hein?

O, formidable!

Lenin!

Clodagh...

Lenin!

I come!

Lenin...

My friend...

I come!

Lenin!

Clodagh!

Lenin!

Je t'aime.

Maurice, regardez!

C'est la chanteuse anglaise, clodagh rogers.

Ah, mais oui-- jack in the box...

I'm going to bounce up and down on my spring...

After several days

I succeeded in tracking down my friend mr. gulliver

On the outskirts of smolensk.

Smolensk, 200 miles east of minsk...

200 miles north of kursk...

1,500 miles west of omsk.

Thank you.

Anyway, as we were so far from home and as mr. gulliver--

Still believing himself to be trotsky--

Was very tired from haranguing the masses

All the way from monte carlo...

Monte carlo, 100 miles south of turin

100 miles east of pisa, 500 miles west of bilbao.

Thank you.

I decided to check...

I decided to check...

Oh, sorry, you go on.

I decided to check him into a hotel

While I visited the british embassy

To ask for help in returning to cornwall.

And so we registered

At the smolensk young men's anti-christian association.

Y.m.a.c.a.--

Corner of anti-semitic street and pogrom square.

Go away.

No, not you.

A single room for my friend, please.

Yes, sir. bugged or unbugged?

I think I'd be happier with a bugged one.

Right, one bugged with bath.

Well, just have a nice lie down

And I'll go down to the embassy.

Trotsky?

My lack of god, it's trotsky!

Comrades, socialism is not a...

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Is this the british consulate?

Yes, yes, uh, si, si.

That is correctement.

Ah, yes.

Piccadilly circus, miniskirt and joe lyons.

Oh, I'd like to see the consul, please.

Yes, yes, speakee, speakee.

Me blitish consul.

Oh!

You are rear admiral sir dudley compton?

No. he die.

He have heart attack

And fell out of window onto exploding bomb

And was killed in a shooting accident.

Ah, yes. I his... how you say, uh...

Succ... succa... succ... sussor.

Oh, successor.

I'm his successor, mr. atkinson.

Oh.

Would you like drinkee?

Or game bingo?

Oh... a drink would be very nice, yes.

Oh, mr. livingstone, go and get sake.

Yes, boss.

Oh...

How is tonblidge wells?

How I long to see again

Walls of famous shakespeare-style theater

In stlatford-on-avon.

Oh, well, I'm a west country man myself, mr. atkinson.

Oh, texas, arizona, kit carson super scout.

No, no. west of england-- cornwall.

Oh, coron... worll.

Corn... cornwall.

Coronworl, oh, yes.

Know coronworl very well.

Went to school there.

Mother and father live there, ah, yes.

Go many weekend parties

And polo playing in blidge club.

Belong many clubs in coronworl.

Ah, mr. livingstone, thank you.

Sake and bakewells tart.

Well, chaps...

Buttocks up!

Rather!

Now, mister...

Uh, pither.

Ah, mr. pither.

We blitish here in smolensk very interested in clicket.

Oh, cricket?

No, no. you no speak english velly wells.

No, not clicket.

Clicket.

Clicketty click clicketty.

Housey, housey, oh, bingo!

Oh! bingo!

Oh, bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo! oh, bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Oh, bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Hsai!

Bingo!

Sorry.

Our boys got velly excited.

Bingo.

Oh, shut face!

Now, mr. pither

Perhaps you could put in a good word for us

So we can join a velly smart bingo club in coronworl.

Well, it's not really my line...

We sit velly quiet at back

Not say anything except shout

"housey! housey!"

Housey! housey!

Housey! housey!

Housey! housey!

Housey! housey! housey!

Housey! housey! housey! housey!

Oh, bingo!

Housey! housey! housey!

Housey! housey! housey! housey!

Housey! housey! housey! housey!

Hi skwwati niyhi, keo t'sin feh t'sdung

Nihi watai bingo cards!

Nihi watai...

Bingo cards.

Nihi watai bingo cards?

Nihi watai.

Ah, so.

Now, mr. pither

Tell me which better--

Hackney star bingo

Or st. albans top-rank suite.

Well, I was hoping that you could help

Me and my friend to get back to england.

Hackney star bingo.

You see, we're on a cycling tour...

Bingo! bingo! housey, housey!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo!

Bingo, bingo...

Is mr. trotsky in his room, please?

No. he has gone to moscow.

Moscow-- 1,500 miles south of...

Shut up!

Moscow?

Come with us, please.

Oh, who are you?

Well, we're not secret police, anyway.

That's for sure.

If anything, we are ordinary soviet citizens

With no particular interest in politics.

None at all. come with us.

Oh, where are you taking me?

What do we tell him?

Don't tell him any secrets.

Agreed.

Tell him anything

Except we are taking him to moscow

Where trotsky is reunited

With the central committee.

We are taking you to a clambake.

Oh, a clambake!

I've never been to one of those.

Right, let's go.

Who's giving the orders around here?

I am-- I'm senior to you.

No, you're not.

You're a greengrocer.

I'm an insurance salesman.

Greengrocers are senior to insurance salesmen.

No, they're not!

Cool it-- I'm an ice-cream salesman

And I am senior to both of you.

You're an ice-cream salesman?

I thought you were a veterinarian.

I got promoted.

Let's go.

Taxi!

Yes.

Drive us to moscow.

I have no cab.

Why not?

I'm in the secret police.

Vse narodniy prednovich tovarich trotsky...

Shi muska di scensand dravenka...

And now, comrades, the greatest moment of a great day

When I ask you to welcome

The return of one of russia's greatest heroes

Creator of the red army, lenin's greatest friend

Lev davidovich trotsky!

Comrades, bolsheviks, friends of the revolution

I am returned.

The bloodstained shadow of stalinist repression is past.

I bring you the new light of permanent revolution.

I may once have been ousted from power

I may have been expelled

From the party in 1927

I may have been deported in 1926, but...

I'm just an old-fashioned girl with an old-fashioned mind.

Comrades, I don't want to destroy in order to build

I don't want a state founded on hate and division.

I want an old-fashioned house with an old-fashioned fence

And an old-fashioned millionaire...

My friend mr. gulliver was clearly undergoing

Another change of personality.

So! you have duped us.

You shall pay for this.

Guards, seize him!

Shall I seize him, too?

No, I think we'll have to keep him.

He's going down well.

He's more fun than he used to be.

He's loosened up a lot.

This is an old lenin number.

Labored hers and hers...

April 26-- thrown into russian cell.

Severely damaged my mars bar.

Shall I ever see bude bus station again?

Oh, excuse me.

What a pleasant exercise yard.

How friendly they were all being.

Cigarette?

Oh, no, thank you.

I don't smoke.

After a few moments

I perceived a line of gentlemen with rifles.

They were looking in my direction.

I looked around but could not see the target.

Blindfold?

No, thank you, no.

Slowotny!

Grydenka...

Verschnitzen...

Nyet! nyet!

Nyet! nyet!

Nyet! nyet!

Nyet!

A telegram?

From the kremlin!

The central committee!

It says...

"carry on with the execution"

Verschnitzen...!

Now I was really for it.

How could you miss?

He moved.

Shut up!

Go and practice.

I'm so sorry.

Would you mind waiting in your cell?

What a stroke of luck..

My crunchie was totally intact.

I settled down to a quick inter-meal snack.

Next time...

Definitely!

Now, how many have been injured?

Oh, god!

As I lay down to the sound

Of the russian gentlemen practicing their shooting

I realized I was in a bit of a pickle.

My heart sank as I realized

I should never see the okehampton bypass again.

Come on, dear.

Wake up, dear.

Mother!

Come on, dear.

So... it was all a dream.

No, dear, this is the dream.

You're still in the cell.

Okay, we're going to have another try.

I think we've got it now.

My boys have been looking

Down the wrong bit, you see.

Oh, no, no.

You've got to look down that bit there.

I thought you had to look down that bit.

Oh, no, you've got to look down that bit

Or you won't hit anything.

All right, we'll give it a whirl.

Guards, seize him!

Listen, you've got to look down this bit.

Osledi, osledi, osledi...

And now...

...with pee-pee.

Kon'nichi wa.

Eartha kitt!

Trade union leaders

I would say this: we've done our part.

Now, on behalf of the community we have a right to expect you...

The trade union leaders, to do yours.

Nyet eartha kitt!

Edward heath.

...in unjustifiable ways.

Sing "old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

Sing "old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

That turnip's certainly not safe.

"old-fashioned girl"! "old-fashioned girl"!

Oh, no! mr. pither!

Mr. pither!

Pither!

Mr. pither!

Pither!

Mr. pither!

Mr. pither! mr. pither!

Mr. pither!

Mr. pither!

Here!

Gulliver!

Pither!

What a stroke of luck.

Well, yes and no.

Charge!

Phew! what an amazing escape.

Well, good-bye, reginald.

Good-bye, mr. pither.

And good luck with the tour!

Huh!

Hey, i... I think he's finally gone!

Ooh, yeah.

Ready, maurice?

Right-o, kevin, let's go.

All right, maestro, hit it!

I'm just your jack in the box

I know whenever love knocks

I'm gonna bounce up and down on my spring

Until you stop when it stops

I'm just your jack in the box...

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