Original subtitles

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circuses.

Good evening

And welcome to the arthur ludlow memorial baths, newport

For this year's finals

Of the all-england summarize proust competition.

As you may remember, each contestant has to give

A brief summary of proust's a la recherche du temps perdu

Once in a swimsuit and once in evening dress.

The field has now narrowed to three finalists

And your judges tonight are

Alec and eric bedser, ex-surrey cricketers;

Stewart surridge, ex-captain of surrey;

Omar sharif;laurie fishlock, ex-surrey opening batsman;

Peter may, the former surrey and england captain;

And yehudi menuhin, the world-famous violinist

And the president of the surrey cricket club.

And right now it's time to meet your host for tonight

Arthur mee!

Good evening and welcome.

Whereas proust would say, "le malade imaginaire

"de recondition et de toute surveillance

Est bientot la meme chose. "

Remember, each contestant this evening

Has a maximum of 15 seconds to summarize

A la recherche du temps perdu

And on the proustometer here

You can see exactly how far he gets.

So let's crack straight on with our first contestant tonight.

He's last year's semifinalist, from luton, mr. harry bagot.

Hello, harry.

Now, there's the summarizing spot.

You're on the summarizing spot.

15 seconds from... now!

Proust's novel ostensibly tells

Of the irrevocability of time lost

The forfeiture of innocence through experience

The reinstallment of extratemporal values of time regained.

Ultimately the novel is both optimistic

And set within the context of a humane religious experience

Restating as it does the concept of intemporality.

In the first volume, swann, the family friend, visits...

Well tried, harry.

A good attempt there

But unfortunately he chose a general appraisal of the work

Before getting on to the story, and as you can see

He only got as far as page one of swann's way

The first of the seven volumes.

A good try, though, and very nice posture.

Harry bagot, you're from luton?

Yes, arthur, yeah.

Now, harry, what made you first want to try

And start summarizing proust?

Well, I first entered

A seaside summarizing proust competition

When I was on holiday in bournemouth

And my doctor encouraged me with it.

And, harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing?

Well, there's golf, and strangling animals.

Well, there he goes-- harry bagot.

He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies.

Golf's not very popular around here.

But never mind, a good try.

Ladies and gentlemen, mr. rutherford, from leicester.

Are you ready, ronald?

Yeah, yeah.

Right, at your summarizing spot.

You have got 15 seconds from... now!

Er... ooh!

Er, oh, swann, swann!

Er, swann.

There's this house... there's this house, er, and...

It's in the morning, it's in the morning.

No, no, no, it's in the evening...

In the evening, and then there's a garden

Uh... and, er, this bloke comes in...

Bloke comes in.

What's his name? what's his name?

Oh, god, just said it, just said it.

Uh, big bloke-- swann! swann!

Oh, out of time.

I'm sorry, we're out of time.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to welcome

The last of our all-england finalists this evening

From bingley, the bolton choral society

And their leader, superintendent mcgough.

All right, bingley.

Remember, you've got 15 seconds

To summarize proust in their entirety

Starting from... now!

Proust, in his first book

Wrote about, wrote about, fa, la, la...

Proust, in his first book, wrote about...

He wrote about...

Proust, in his first book

Wrote about the...

He wrote about, he wrote about

He wrote about, he wrote about

He wrote about, he wrote about

Proust, in his first book

In his first book, wrote about the...

Very ambitious try there

But in fact the least successful of the evening.

They didn't even get as far as the first volume.

Well, ladies and gentlemen

I don't think any of our contestants this evening

Have succeeded in encapsulating

The intricacies of proust's masterwork.

So I'm going to award the first prize this evening

To the girl with the biggest tits.

Mount everest--

Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.

The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.

Start again!

Mount everest--

Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.

This year, this remote himalayan mountain

This mystical temple

Surrounded by the most difficult terrain in the world

Repulsed yet another attempt to conquer it

This time by the international hairdressers' expedition.

In such freezing adverse conditions

Man comes very close to breaking point.

What was the real cause of the disharmony

Which destroyed their chances of success?

Well, people would keep taking your hairdryer

And never returning it.

There was a lot of bitching in the tents.

You couldn't get near the mirror.

The leader of the expedition was

Colonel sir john "teasy weasy" butler

Veteran of k2, annapurna and vidals.

His plan was to ignore the usual route round the south col

And to make straight for the top.

Well, we established base salon here

And climbed quite steadily up to mario's, here.

From here, using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went

We moved steadily up the lhotse face to the north ridge

Establishing camp iii

Where we could get a hot meal, a manicure and a shampoo and set.

Could it work?

Could this 18-year-old hairdresser from brixton

Succeed where others had failed?

The situation was complicated

By the imminent arrival of the monsoon storms.

Patrice takes up the story.

Well, we knew as well as anyone that the monsoons were due

But the thing was

Ricky and I had just had a blow-dry and rinse

And we couldn't go out for a couple of days.

After a blazing row

The germans and the italians had turned back

Taking with them the last of the hairnets.

On the third day, a blizzard blew up.

Temperatures fell to minus 30 centigrade.

Inside the little tent, things were getting desperate.

Well, things have got so bad

That we've been forced to use

The last of the heavy oxygen equipment

Just to keep the dryers going.

Cup of milo, love.

Oh, she's a treas.

But a new factor had entered the race.

A team of french chiropodists

Working with brand-new corn plasters

And dr. scholl's mountaineering sandals

Were covering ground fast.

The glasgow orpheus male voice choir were tackling

The difficult north col.

Altogether 14 expeditions were at his heels.

This was it.

Rick had to make a decision.

Well, he decided to open a salon.

It was a tremendous success.

Challenging everest?

Why not drop in at ricky pule's--

Only 24,000 feet from this cinema.

Ricky and maurice offer a variety of styles

For the well-groomed climber.

Like sherpa tenzing and sir edmund hillary

Be number one on top when you're number one on top.

This cinema is proud to present

20th-century frog's production:

Oh, james!

Oh, beatrice!

Oh... james!

Oh... oh, beatrice!

Oh... oh, james

I could make such a fool of myself over you.

Oh, beatrice, do... do!

Oh, yes, james, yes!

Oh, james!

Beatrice!

Oh... james!

Beatrice!

Oh... james, I could make such a fool of myself over you.

Oh, beatrice, do... do!

Oh, yes, james, yes!

Oh... james!

Oh... beatrice!

Oh... james!

Oh... beatrice!

Oh, james...

Oh, shut up!

Hello, is that the fire brigade?

No, sorry, wrong number.

That phone's not stopped ringing all day.

What happens when you've mixed the batter?

Do you dice the ham with the coriander?

No, no, you put them in separately

When the vine leaves are ready.

Oh, no, not again.

Take it off the hook.

I can't get the fire brigade, mervyn.

Here, let me try, dear.

You go and play the cello.

Oh, it doesn't do any good, dear.

Look, do you want that little hamster to live or not?

Yes, I do, mervyn.

Well, go and play the cello!

Hello?

Hello, operator?

Yes, we're trying to get the fire brigade.

No, the fire brigade.

Yes... yes...

Yes... yes... yes...

Yes... yes... yes...

Yes... yes... what?

Size eight.

Yes... yes... yes...

Yes... yes... yes...

No, of course not.

Yes...

He's gone, dear.

What?

He's slipped away.

What?

The sodding hamster's dead!

Oh, no!

What were you playing?

Some mozart concertos, dear.

What...? how did he...?

His eyes just closed

And he fell into the wastepaper basket.

I've covered him

With a copy of the charlie george football book.

Right, you hang on.

I must go and see him.

There was nothing we could do, mervyn.

If we'd have had the whole philharmonic orchestra in there

He'd still have gone.

I'm going upstairs.

I can't bear it.

There isn't an upstairs, dear.

It's a bungalow.

Damn!

Hello?

Oh, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

It's just that...

Size three, yes.

It's just, we've lost a dear one, and my son was...

Yes, that's right, size eight, yes, and...

Oh, I see.

Yes... yes... yes...

Yes, yes...

Yes... yes, I see, uh...

Yes.

Yes, i... i...

Yes.

Oh, yes... no!

No... yes... I see.

They can't get the fire brigade, mervyn.

Will the boys' brigade do?

No! they'd be useless!

No, he doesn't want anyone at the moment, thank you.

No... yes.

Yes-- no, thank you for trying.

Yes.

Yes...

No, saxones.

Yes.

Yes, thank you, bye-bye.

Mummy!

Oh, eamonn!

Mervyn, look, it's our eamonn!

Oh, let me look at you.

How well you're looking.

Tell me, how is it in dublin?

Well, things is pretty bad there at the moment

But there does seem some hope

Of a constitutional settlement.

Oh, don't talk.

Let me just look at you.

Great to be home, mummy.

How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

I must just go upstairs and get your room ready.

It's a bungalow, mummy.

Oh, damn, yes.

Mervyn, mervyn, look who's here!

It's our eamonn

Come back to see us.

Hello, eamonn.

Hello, merv.

How was dublin?

Well, as I was telling mummy here

Things is pretty bad there at the moment

But there does seem

Some hope of a constitutional settlement.

Hello?

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

What?

What?

Size seven.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes!

Yes.

It's the fire brigade.

They want to know

If they can come round thursday evening.

Oh, no.

Thursday's the industrial relations bill dinner dance.

Can't they make it another day?

Uh, hello?

No, thursday's...

Right out!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes...

And so it was

That the fire brigade eventually came round on friday night.

I'm so glad you could come.

What would you like to drink?

Gin and tonic?? sherry?

A drop of sherry would be lovely.

We do like being called out to these little parties.

They're much better than fires.

Yes?

Yes?

Yes.

Well, how was dublin, eamonn?

Well, as I was telling mummy and mervyn earlier

Things is pretty bad there at the moment

But there does seem

Some hope of a constitutional...

Oh, look at them enjoying themselves.

You know, I used to dread parties

Until I watched party hints by veronica.

I think it's on now.

Hello.

Last week on party hints I showed you

How to make a small plate of goulash go round 26 people

How to get the best out of your canapes

And how to unblock your loo.

This week I'm going to tell you what to do

If there's an armed communist uprising

Near your home when you're having a party.

Well, obviously it'll depend how far you've got with your party

When the signal for red revolt is raised.

If you're just having preliminary aperitifs--

A dubonnet, a sherry, or a sparkling white wine--

Then your guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood

And it'll be difficult to tell

Which are the communist agitators.

So the thing to do is to get some cloth

And some bits of old paper

Put it down on the floor and shoot everybody.

This will deal with the red menace on your own doorstep.

If you're having canapes, as I showed you last week

Or an outdoor barbecue

Then the thing to do is to set fire

To all the houses in the street.

This will stir up anticommunist hatred

And your neighbors will be right with you

As you organize counterrevolutionary terror.

So you see, if you act promptly enough

Any left-wing uprising can be dealt with

By the end of the party.

Bye.

Ah, she's finally gone away.

All right, comrades, time to go to work.

Hello, we are selling communist revolutions.

Would you by any chance be interested?

Oh, yes, I'll take a dozen, please.

Right.

One dozen communist revolutions coming up.

I get it!

Communist revolution!

That's a good one.

You disgusting little piece of filth.

God, I hate you!

You make me want to puke my guts out!

Wasn't that cute?

Remember, you too

Can get your own putrid peter doll

In time to pacify your next party.

But why stop there?

Why not get a barry bigot doll, too?

Just watch this.

Black people, black people.

Rrrrhodesian.

Kill the blacks. kill the blacks.

Rrrrhodesian.

Smith, smith.

Kill the blacks within the five principles.

I'm afraid I cannot comment on that

Until it has been officially hushed up.

This is our politicians' booth.

While there's no undue cause for concern

There is certainly no room for complacency.

Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.

I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

Ee ecky thump.

Put wood in 'ole, muther.

Yes, sorry?

Ee ecky thump.

Ee ecky thump.

Ee ecky thump!

Ee ecky thump!

Excellent!

It's a very quick method of learning.

Can you smell gas, or is it me?

Looks jolly good.

Hello, big boy.

Oo, varda the ome.

Do you want a nice time?

Very good.

Thank you very much, sir.

And we control everything from here.

Superb.

Well, what sort of thing

Were you looking for?

Well, really something

To make me a little less insignificant.

Oh, I see, sort of...

"now, look here, you may be chairman

"but your bloody pusillanimous behavior

Makes me vomit!"

That sort of thing?

No, no, no, not really, no.

Oh, I see, well, perhaps

Something a bit more

Sort of clive jenkins-ish?

Perhaps, sort of :

"mr. smarmy so- called harold wilson

"can call himself pragmatic

Until he's blue in the breast!"

No, not really.

I really want something

That will make people

Be attracted to me like a magnet.

Oh, I see, well, you want our

"life and soul of the party" tape then, I think.

What's that?

Well, it's sort of :

Hello, squire!

Haven't seen you for a bit!

Haven't seen you for a bit either, beryl.

Two pints of wallop, please, love.

Still driving the jensen, then?

Cheer up, jack, it may never happen.

What's your poison, then?

Fantastic, yes.

Right, I'll just see

If we've got the tape.

Boo boo pee doo, boo boo pee doo

Scoobie doobie doobie doobie doo-oo!

Hello, operator

Is that the central line?

Give me picadilly number 9109

Mr. operator, now, the number's wrong

So come on, everybody, let's sing this song!

Proust in his first book

Wrote about, wrote about...

Start again.

Mount everest-- forbidding, aloof, terrifying.

The highest place on earth.

No, I'm sorry, we don't go there.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

Do you want to go upstairs?

What?

Do you want to go upstairs?

Or have you come

To arrange a holiday?

Uh, to arrange a holiday.

Oh, sorry.

What's all this about going upstairs?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Now, where were you thinking of going?

India.

Ah, one of our adventure holidays.

Yes.

Well, you'd better speak

To mr. bounder about that.

Mr. bounder, this gentleman

Is interested in the india overland.

Ah, good morning.

I'm bounder of adventure.

Morning, my name is

Smoke-too-much.

What?

My name is smoke-too-much, mr. smoke-too-much.

Well, you'd better cut down a bit, then.

What?

You'd better cut down a bit, then.

Oh, I see.

Cut down a bit

For smoke-too-much.

Yes.

I expect you get people

Making jokes about your name all the time, eh?

No, no.

Actually, it never struck me before.

Smoke... too... much!

Anyway, you're interested in one of our adventure holidays, eh?

Yes, yes, I saw your advert in the bolor supplement.

The what?

The bolor supplement.

The color supplement?

Yes, I'm sorry

I can't say the letter "b."

"c."

Yes, that's right.

It's all due to a trauma I suffered

When I was a spoolboy.

I was attacked by a bat.

A cat?

No, a bat.

Can you say the letter "k"?

Oh, yes, khaki, king, kettle, kuwait, keble bollege oxford.

Why don't you say the letter "k" instead of the letter "c"?

What do you mean, spell "bolor" with a "k"?

Yes.

Kolor.

Yes.

Oh, that's very good, I never thought of that.

Well, I saw your advert in the paper

And I've been on package tours several times, you see

And I decided that this was for me.

Oh, good.

Yes, I quite agree with you.

I mean, what's the point

Of being treated like a sheep?

I mean, I'm fed up of going abroad

And being treated like sheep.

What's the point of being carted around in buses

Surrounded by sweaty, mindless oafs

From kettering and boventry?

Their cloth caps and their cardigans

And their transistor radios

And their sunday mirrors

Bomplaining about the tea--

"oh, they don't make it properly here, do they?

Not like at home."

Stopping at majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips

And watney's red barrel

And calamares and two veg

And sitting in cotton sun frocks

Squirting timothy white's sun cream

All over their puffy, raw, swollen, purulent flesh

Because they overdid it

On the first day!

Yes, absolutely, I quite agree.

And being herded into endless hotel miramars

And bellvueses and bontinentals

With their international

Luxury modern roomettes

And their watney's red barrel

And their swimming pools

Full of fat german businessmen

Pretending to be acrobats

And forming pyramids

And frightening the children

Barging into the queues

And if you're not at your table spot on seven

You miss your bowl

Of campbell's cream of mushroom soup

The first item on the menu of international cuisine.

And every thursday night

There's bloody cabaret in the bar

Featuring some tiny, emaciated dago

With nine-inch hips

And some big, fat, bloated tart

With her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse

Presenting flamenco for foreigners.

Yes, yes, quite...

And then surrounded

By adenoidal typists from birmingham

With diarrhea and flabby white legs

And hairy, bandy-legged wop waiters called manuel

And then once a week

There's an excursion to the local roman ruins

Where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream

And bleedin' watney's red barrel

And then one night

They take you to a local restaurant

With local color and coloring and they show you there

And you sit next to a party of people from rhyl

Who keep singing torremolinos!

Torremolinos!

And complaining about the food.

"oh, it's so greasy, isn't it?"

And then you get cornered

By some drunken greengrocer from luton with an instamatic

And dr. scholl sandals and tuesday's daily express

And he drones on and on and on

About how mr. smith should be running this country.

Quiet, please.

And then he throws up

All over the cuba libres.

Will you be quiet, please?

...postcards of places

They don't know they haven't even visited

"to all at number 22, weather wonderful.

Our room marked with an 'x'..."

Shut up!

"food very greasy

"but we have managed to find

This marvelous little place hidden away..."

Shut up!

"...watney's red barrel and cheese and onion."

Shut up!

And the accordionist plays...

Shut your bloody gob!

Oh, I've had enough of this.

I'm going to ring the police.

...nothing to eat

But dried watney's sandwiches.

Oh, take it off the hook.

...and there's nowhere to sleep...

Hello, operator? operator?

Yes, operator, I'm trying to get the police.

Yes, yes... the police!

Yes, what?

Nine and a half... nine and a half!

...when you get to malaga airport

Everybody's swallowing...

What?

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Will you come this way, please?

Here they are.

Right.

Just here will do fine.

Bye-bye.

Good evening.

I have with me tonight

Anne elk, mrs. anne elk.

Miss.

You have a new theory about the brontosaurus.

Can I just say here, chris, for one moment

That I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

Exactly.

What is it?

Where?

I mean your new theory.

Oh, what is my theory?

Oh, what is my theory, that it is.

Well, chris, you may well ask me

What is my theory.

I am asking.

Good for you.

My word, yes.

Well, chris, what is it that it is

This theory of mine?

Well, this is what it is.

My theory that I have

That is to say, which is mine

Is mine.

Yes, I know it's yours.

What is it?

Where?

Your theory.

Oh, what is my...

This is it.

My theory that belongs to me

Is as follows.

This is how it goes.

The next thing I'm going to say

Is my theory.

Ready?

My theory, by a. elk--

Brackets, miss, brackets--

This theory goes as follows and begins now:

All brontosauruses are thin at one end

Much, much thicker in the middle

And then thin again at the far end.

That is my theory.

It is mine and belongs to me

And I own it and what it is, too.

That's it, is it?

Spot on, chris.

Well, this theory of yours

Appears to have hit the nail on the head.

And it's mine.

Yes, thank you very much for coming along to the studio.

My pleasure, chris.

Next week, britain's...

It's been a lot of fun.

Yes, thank you very much.

Saying what my theory is.

Yes, thank you.

And whose it is.

Yes, thank you, that's all.

I have another theory...

Yes...

Called my second theory

Or my theory number two

Which I could expound without doubt.

This second theory...

Yes?

Which with the one that I have said...

I'm trying...

Which are mine

And which belong to me...

Nine and half, wide fitting.

Goes like this.

Balleys of bond street.

What?

No, sort of brogue.

This is what it is.

Eight and a half.

This is it.

My second theory...

Excuse me!

Hello, yes, yes?

...promises you that the raging cholera epidemic...

The fire brigade are here!

They're coming!

Hello?

No, no, I think they're all

Part of the british shoe corporation now.

Chris, this other theory of mine...

The second theory...

My second theory states

That fire brigade choirs

Seldom sing songs about marcel proust.

Proust in his first book

Wrote about, wrote about...

Start again.

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