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Hello, good evening, and welcome to another edition

Of blood, devastation, death, war and horror

And later on we'll be talking

To a man who does gardening

But our first guest in the studio tonight

Is a man who talks entirely in anagrams.

Taht si crreoct.

Do you enjoy this?

I stom certainly od

Revy chum so.

And what's your name?

Hamrag, hamrag yatlerot.

Well, graham, nice to have you on the show.

Now, where do you come from?

Bumcreland.

Cumberland?

Staht sit sepreicly.

And I believe you're working

On an anagram version of shakespeare.

Sey, sey, taht si crreoct.

Uh... ta the mnemot, I'm wroking on "the mating of the wersh."

"the mating of the wersh," by william shakespeare?

Nay, by malliwi rapesheake.

And, uh... what else?

"two netlemeg of verona"

"twelfth thing," "the chamrent of venice."

Have you done "hamlet"?

"thamle."

"be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquie."

And what is your next project?

"ring kichard the thrid."

I'm sorry?

"a shroe! a shroe!

My dingkome for a shroe!"

Ah, "ring kichard," yes.

But surely that's not an anagram

That's a spoonerism.

If you're going to split hairs

I'm going to piss off.

Now...

It's...

Tony m. nyphot's flying risccu.

Mrs. scab, you have 12 hours to beat the clock.

Correct!

I've done it!

I've done it.

Ha, ha, ha!

Hello?

Ah, mr. victim.

Yes, I'm glad to say that I've got the go-ahead

To lend you the money you require.

Yes, we will of course want as security the deeds of your house

Of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house

Of your wife's parents' house and of your grannie's bungalow

And we will in addition need a controlling interest

In your new company

Unrestricted access to your private bank account

The deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages

And a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement

Carried out against you by any members of our staff

During the normal course of their duties.

No, I'm afraid we couldn't accept your dog

Instead of your youngest child.

We would like to suggest a brand-new scheme of ours

Under which 51% of both your dog and your wife pass to us

In the event of your suffering a serious accident.

Fine... no, not at all.

Nice to do business with you.

Uh... miss godfrey, could you send in mr. ford, please?

Now, where's that dictionary?

Ah, yes, here we are...

Inner life.

Inner life.

Come in.

Ah... mr. ford, isn't it?

That's right.

How do you do?

I'm a merchant banker.

How do you do, mr., uh...

I forget my name for the moment

But I am a merchant banker.

Oh, I wondered whether you'd like to contribute

To the orphan's home.

Well, I don't want to show my hand too early, but actually

Here at slater nazi we are quite keen to get into orphans

You know, developing market and all that.

What sort of sum did you have in mind?

Well... uh... you're a rich man.

Yes, I am, yes, yes... very, very rich.

Quite phenomenally wealthy.

Yes, I do... I do own the most startling quantities of cash.

Yes, quite right.

You're rather a smart young lad, aren't you?

We could do with someone like you

To feed the pantomime horse.

Very smart.

Thank you, sir.

Now, you were saying

I'm very, very, very, very, very, very

Very, very, very rich.

So... how about a pound?

A pound... yes, I see.

Now, this loan would be secured by...

It's not... it's not a loan, sir.

What?

It's not a loan.

Ah...

You get one of these, sir.

A bit small for a share certificate, isn't it?

Look, I think I'd better run this over

To our legal department.

If you could possibly pop back on friday...

Do you have to do that?

Couldn't you just give me the pound?

Yes, but you see, I don't know what it's for.

It's for the orphans.

Yes?

It's a gift.

A what?

A gift.

Oh, a gift!

A tax dodge.

No, no, no, no.

No?

Well, I'm awfully sorry.

I don't understand.

Can you just explain exactly what you want?

Well, I want you to give me a pound

And then I go away

And give it to the orphans.

Yes?

Well, that's it.

No, no, no, I don't follow this at all.

I mean, I don't want to seem stupid

But it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal.

Yes, you are.

I am.

Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?

Well, the incentive is to make the orphans happy.

Happy?

You quite sure you've got this right?

Yes, lots of people give me money.

What, just like that?

Yes.

Must be sick.

I don't suppose you could give me

A list of their names and addresses, could you?

No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.

Good lord!

That's the most exciting new idea

I've heard in years!

It's so simple it's brilliant.

Well, if that idea of yours

Isn't worth a pound

I'd like to know what is.

Thank you, sir.

The only trouble is...

You gave me the idea

Before I'd given you the pound.

And that's not good business.

Isn't it?

No, I'm afraid it isn't.

So... off you go.

Nice to do business with you.

Anyway.

And off we go again.

Uh... miss godfrey, could you send in

The pantomime horses, please?

Now, I've asked you...

Now, I've asked you...

Shut up!

Now, I've asked you in here

To see me this morning

Because I'm afraid

We're going to have to let one of you go.

I'm very sorry, but the present rationalization of this firm

Makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off.

Now, you may think that this is very harsh behavior

But let me tell you that our management consultants

Actually queried the necessity

For us to employ a pantomime horse at all.

And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go.

Champion...

How many years have you been with this firm?

Trigger?

I see... well, it's a difficult decision

But in accordance with our traditional principles

Of free enterprise and healthy competition

I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it.

No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme.

In the hard and unrelenting world of nature

The ceaseless struggle for survival continues.

This time one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat

And so lives to fight another day.

Here in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion

Seeing off an intruding bull

Who is attempting to intrude on his harem.

This pattern of aggressive behavior

Is typical of these documentaries.

Here we see two limpets

Locked in a life-or-death struggle for territory.

The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock

Endeavors to encircle its sprightly opponent.

Here we see an ant.

This ant is engaged in a life- or-death struggle with the wolf.

You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes.

Now he stops to observe.

Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches nearer.

With great skill, he chooses his moment

And then, quick as a limpet

With one mighty bound, buries his fangs in the wolf's neck.

The wolf struggles to no avail.

A battle of this kind can take anything up to 15 years

Because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth.

Here we see heinz sielmann

Engaged in a life-or-death struggle with peter scott.

They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat fees

On the overseas sales of their nature documentaries.

Now they have been joined by an enraged jacques cousteau.

This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world

Of television features.

Here we see a honeybear

Not engaged in a life-or-death struggle about anything.

These honeybears are placid and peaceful creatures

And consequently bad television.

Here we see a pantomime horse.

It is engaged in a life-or-death struggle

For a job with a merchant bank.

However, his rival employee, the huge bull pantomime horse

Is lying in wait for him.

Poor pantomime horse.

Here we see a pantomime goose

Engaged in a life-or-death struggle with terence rattigan.

The enraged goose fires.

Poor terence...

Another victim of this silly film.

Here we see an enraged pantomime princess margaret.

She is lying in wait for her breakfast.

The unsuspecting breakfast glides ever closer to its doom.

The enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill.

She raises her harpoon and fires.

Pang!

Right in the toast.

A brief struggle, and all is over.

Poor breakfast.

Another victim of...

Oh, a pantomime phrase caught himself

A nice little dinner, fred.

I think the dining room wants his din-dins, too.

Your turn today, dear.

All right, mr. bedroom.

You'll get your dinner, too.

Postman.

Oh...

Well, the 69's late again today.

Do you hear that, tim?

Yep... could just be

The house we're looking for.

This, then, is the story of two desperate men

Hired by the good people at n.c.p. car parks

To hunt down and destroy houses too dangerous to live.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, these are house droppings, all right.

Okay, let's go.

Pst, over here.

That's the one.

Cover me.

I'm going to make a try for it.

And so, thanks once again to the unceasing efforts

Of the good people at n.c.p. car parks

The world is made just a little bit safer.

"sketch just starting, actor wanted."

G-good morning.

Morning, sir.

I'd like to join the army, please.

I see.

Short service or long service commission, sir?

Uh, long as possible, please.

Right, well, I'll just take a few particulars

And then...

Shove off!

And then there'll be a few forms to sign.

Of course we'll need some references

And then a full medical examination by the...

Yes, I see.

I-i was just wondering

Whether it would be possible

For me to... join...

The women's army.

The women's royal army corps, sir?

Uh, yes, I was just thinking, you know

If it was possible for me to have my choice

I'd prefer to be in the women's royal army corps.

Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here

Normally go straight into the scots guards.

Which is all men, I suppose.

Yes, it is.

Yes.

Are there any regiments

Which are more... effeminate than others?

Well, no, sir.

I mean, apart from the marines, they're all dead butch.

See, what I really wanted

Was a regiment where I could be really quiet

And have more time to myself

To work with fabrics

And creating new concepts in interior design.

Working with fabrics

And experimenting with interior design?

Yes.

Oh, well, you want the durham light infantry, then, sir.

Oh.

That's the only regiment that's really doing something new

With interior design--

With color, texture and line and that.

I see.

Oh, yes-- I mean

Their use of color with fabrics is fantastic.

I saw their pattern book the other day--

Beautiful, beautiful.

Savage tans...

Great slabs of black, set against aggressive orange.

It really makes you want to shout out

"this is good! this is real!"

Really?

Oh, yes-- I mean

The inniskillin fusiliers

And the anglian regiment are all right

If you're interested

In the art nouveau william morris revival bit

But if you really want a regimental line

That is really saying something about interior decor

Then you've got to go for the durham light infantry.

Oh, I've had enough of this.

I'm handing in my notice.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, when i applied for this job

I thought I'd get a few decent lines

But you end up doing the whole thing.

I mean, my last five speeches have been

"really", "really", "I see", "I see" and "really".

I wouldn't give those lines to a dog.

All right, all right, all right, sonny.

I'll tell you what.

We'll do something different.

I'll be a bus conductor, and you can be

A really funny passenger on a bus.

Any more fares, please?

I've got a chauffeur

And every time I go to the lavatory

He drives me potty!

Boom-boom! one in a row.

I'm not unusual, I'm just...

Fivepenny, please.

Five beautiful pennies going into the bag

And you are the lucky winner of...

One fivepenny ticket.

What's the welshman doing under the bed?

He's having a leak!

Oh, they're all in here tonight.

Look!

I am looking.

It's the only way I can keep my eyelids apart.

Boom-boom! every one a maserati.

Look, you said I was going to be a funny passenger.

What do you mean?

I mean, all I said was, "fivepenny, please."

You can't call that a funny line.

Well, it's the way you said it.

No, it isn't.

Nobody can say "fivepenny, please"

And make it funny.

Fivepenny, please.

Morning.

Not so warm today, eh, george?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Come in, mr. horton.

Morning, sir.

Do, uh...

Do sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Now, then, horton.

You've been with us for 20 years

And your work in the accounts department

Has been immaculate.

No, no-- please don't say anything.

As I say, your work has been beyond reproach.

But unfortunately

The effect you are having on your colleagues

Has undermined the competence...

Has undermined the competence of this firm to such a point

That I'm afraid I've got no option...

But to sack you.

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

It couldn't have come at a worse time.

There's school fees for the two boys coming up

And the wife's treatment costing more now, sir.

I don't know where the money's coming from as it is.

And now I don't see any future.

I'd been hoping I might be able to hang on here

Just for the last couple of years

But now... i...

I just want to go out and end it all.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And now for the fish--

The fish down the trousers.

It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine.

It's your trousers, not my trousers-- your trousers.

And now for the whitewash.

The whitewash over you...

Not over me, it's over you.

You get the laughs.

You get all the laughs.

And now for the custard pie in the mush.

It's not my mush, it's your mush.

It's your laugh--

It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine.

It's your bleeding laugh.

Good evening.

Well, tonight we're going to talk about...

Well, that is, I'm going to talk about...

Well, actually, I'm talking about it now.

Well, I'm not talking about it now, but I am talking.

I know I'm pausing occasionally

And not talking during the pauses

But the pauses are part of the whole process of talking.

When one talks, one has to pause.

Uh... like then.

I paused, but I was still talking.

And again there!

The real point of what I'm saying is

That when I appear not to be talking

Don't go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on

Buttering scones

Or getting crumbs and bits of food

Out of those round, brown straw mats

That the teapot goes on, you know.

Because in all probability, I'm still talking

And what you heard was a pause.

Like there again.

Look, to make it absolutely easier

So there's no problem at all

What I'll do is I'll give you some kind of sign, like this...

When I'm still talking and only pausing in between words.

And when I'm finished altogether I'll do this, all right?

No, no, sorry!

No, no.

Sorry, just demonstrating.

Haven't finished.

Haven't started yet.

Oh, dear.

Nearly forgot the gesture.

Hope none of you are nipping out into the kitchen

Getting bits of food out of those round, brown mats

Which the...

Good evening.

Tonight, I want to talk about...

We interrupt this program to annoy you

And make things generally irritating for you.

...with a large piece of wet paper.

Turn the paper over...

Turn the paper over, keeping your eye on the camel

And paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform

Until the word "maudling" is almost totally obscured.

Well, that's one way of doing it.

Good evening.

We interrupt this program again

"a, " to irritate you

And "b, " to provide work for one of our announcers.

Good evening.

I'm the announcer who's just been given this job by the bbc

And I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the bbc

For providing me with work

Particularly at this time of year

When things are a bit thin for us announcers.

Um...

I don't know whether I should tell you this, but...

Well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently.

Things have been pretty awful at home.

My wife, josephine-- "joe-jums"as I call her--

Who's also an announcer...

Hello.

Uh, has not been able to announce

Since our youngest, clifford, was born, and...

Well, I've just got no confidence left.

I mean... I can't get up in the morning.

I feel there's nothing worth living for.

Hello, I'm another announcer.

My name is dick.

Joe-jums just rang me

And said jack was having a bad time with this announcement

So I've just come to give him a hand.

How is he, joe-jums?

Pretty bad, dick.

Jack, it's dick.

Do you want me to make the announcement?

No.

No, dick, I must do it myself.

It's my last chance with the bbc.

I can't throw it away.

I've got to do it

For joe-jums, for the kids...

I've got to go through with it.

Good man.

Now, remember your announcer's training--

Deep breaths, and try not to think about what you're saying.

Good evening.

This is bbc 1.

Good luck, jack.

Keep going, old boy.

It's 9:00

And time for the news

Read by richard baker.

You've done it!

Congratulations, old man!

Was it okay?

Absolutely top-o!

Absolutely marvelous.

You know you were!

Fantastic, darling!

You were brilliant, really.

It's so marvelous to have you here.

For god's sake, drink this...

You were rock solid.

Thanks very much.

I can't tell you how much that means.

I think it's a turning point...

Hello, reggie.

What?

Is that gordon?

Yes-- hang on, reggie.

...until the name maudling is almost totally obscured.

That is the ned of the nicloe-nock wens.

And now it's time for the late-night flim.

Oh!

Oh, pantomime horse, that was... wonderful!

Would you like another glass?

Oh, no, no, I mustn't.

It makes me throw up.

Oh, I'm so bleeding happy.

Oh, simone.

Oh, pantomime horse.

Then...

And now the english pantomime horse

Has very nearly caught up with the russian pantomime horse.

I think he's going to take him any moment now.

But what is this? what is this?

Yes, it's the pantomime princess margaret

And the pantomime goose

And they're attacking the english pantomime horse

And the russian pantomime horse has got away

But who is this?

My goodness me!

It's the duke of kent to the rescue.

Here you see

Some english comic actors

Engaged in a life-or-death struggle

With a rather weak ending.

This is typical of the zany, madcap world

Of the irresistible, kooky funsters.

The english pantomime horse wins

And so is assured of a place in british history

And a steady job in a merchant bank.

Unfortunately, before his pension rights are assured

He catches bronchitis and dies

Another victim of the need to finish these shows on time.

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