Original subtitles

Who, a year ago, had heard of mr. and mrs. brian norris

Of 37 gledhill gardens, parsons green?

And yet, their epic journey in ebw 343 has set them

Alongside thor heyerdahl and sir edmund hillary.

Starting only with a theory, mr. norris set out to prove

That the inhabitants of hounslow

Could have been descendants of the people of surbiton

Who had made the great trek north.

No newcomer to this field

Mr. norris' a short history of motor traffic

Between purley and esher

Had become a minor classic in the car-swapping belt.

But why would the people of surbiton go to hounslow?

Mr. norris had noticed three things:

Firstly, the similarity of houses;

Secondly, the similarity of costume

Between hounslow and surbiton;

And thirdly, the similarity of speech.

Are you still running the g.d.b.d.m.d.b.?

Ah, yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled

To remove tamping.

Jolly good.

Were these just coincidences

Or were they, as mr. norris believed

Part of an identical cultural background?

One further discovery convinced him:

The lawnmower.

Surely such a sophisticated household gadget

Could not have been generated independently

In two separate areas.

Mr. norris was convinced.

I'm convinced.

But how to prove it?

But how to prove it?

There was only one way to see if the journey

Between surbiton and hounslow was possible

And that was to try and make it.

Months of preparation followed

While mr. norris continued his research

In the putney public library

And mrs. norris made sandwiches.

Finally, by april

They were ready.

On the 23rd, mr. and mrs. norris set out

From abide-a-wee to motor the 15 miles to surbiton

Watched by a crowd of local well-wishers.

That evening, they dined at tooting.

This would be the last they'd see of civilization.

Mr. norris' diary for the 23rd reveals

The extraordinary calmness

And deep inner peacefulness of his mind.

7:30-- fed cat.

8:00-- breakfast.

8:30-- yes, (successfully).

9:00-- set out on historic journey.

On the morning of the 24th, early to avoid the traffic

Mr. norris' historic expedition set out from surbiton--

Destination hounslow.

Early on, they began to perceive encouraging signs.

The writing on the sign was almost exactly the same

As the writing in the a.a. book.

They were on the right route.

During the long hours of the voyage

Mr. norris' wife betty

Kept a complete photographic record

And made sandwiches.

This is some of the unique footage

Which mrs. norris got back from the chemist's.

Mile succeeded mile

And the terrific strain was beginning to tell

When suddenly...

By an amazing stroke of luck

Mr. norris had come across the kingston bypass.

This was something to tell the round table.

At this stage, mr. norris was faced

With two major divergent theories

Concerning his surbiton ancestors

Did they take the kingston bypass

Turning left at barnes

Or did they strike west

Up the a308 via norbiton to hampton wick?

Both these theories run up against one big obstacle:

The thames--

Lying like a silver turd between richmond and isleworth.

This was a major setback.

How could they possibly cross the river?

Several hours of thought produced nothing.

There was only one flask of coffee left

When suddenly mr. norris spotted something.

Could this have been the method used?

Hardly daring to believe

Mr. norris led his expedition on to the 3:47.

40 minutes later, via clapham

Fulham, chiswick and brentford, they approached their goal:

Hounslow.

Was this then the final proof?

Something aroused the accountant's instinct

Very deep in mr. norris' makeup.

The journey was possible, and yet...

"wrong-way" norris had accidentally stumbled on

A piece of anthropological history.

It was the inhabitants of hounslow

Who had made the great trek south

To the sunnier pastures of surbiton

And not vice versa, as he had originally surmised.

This was the secret of surbiton.

Happy and contented, mr. norris returned

To the calmer waters of chartered accountancy

For, in his way, "wrong-way" norris was right.

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Knock, enter and approach.

Right.

It's come to my notice that certain boys

Have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme

With fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities.

Apparently, small investors were attracted

By the wide-ranging portfolio

And that in the first week

The limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.

It was tidwell's idea, sir.

Shut up, stebbins. I haven't finished.

Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning

The italian grand prix at monza.

Thank you, sir.

Shut up.

Now then, this sort

Of extracurricular capitalist expansion

Has got to stop.

I made it quite clear

When potter tried to go public last term

That these massive stock exchange deals

Must not happen in big school.

Is that clear, balderston?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and balderston, next time you do

A "panorama" report on the black ghettos

You must get an exeat form from mr. dibley.

Sorry, sir.

Shut up, and stop slouching.

Now, the reason I've called you in here today

Is that my wife is having a little trouble with her, uh...

With her waterworks, and, uh...

I think she needs a bit of attention.

Now, which one of you is the surgeon?

Come on, I know one of you is.

Now, which one is it?

Ah, tidwell.

Good. well, I want you to cut along

Have a look at the wife.

Oh, sir, why don't you ask stebbins? he's a gynecologist.

Oh, you rotten stinker, tidwell!

Shh. is this true, stebbins?

Are you a gynecologist?

Yes, sir.

Right. just the man. how much do you charge?

30 guineas, sir.

Excellent. right. I want you

To go along to see the wife.

Give her a full examination.

Let me know the results by the end of break.

And don't pick your nose!

Hello.

Hello.

Well, last week we showed you

How to become a gynecologist

And this week on how to do it

We're going to show you how to play the flute

How to split an atom

How to construct a box girder bridge

How to irrigate the sahara desert

And make vast new areas of land cultivatable.

But, first, here's jackie to tell you all

How to rid the world of all known diseases.

Hello, alan.

Hello, jackie.

Well, first of all, become a doctor

And discover a marvelous cure for something

And then when the medical profession

Really starts to take notice of you

You can jolly well tell them what to do

And make sure they get everything right

So there'll never be any diseases ever again.

Thanks, jackie.

Great idea.

How to play the flute.

Well, here we are.

Um, you blow there

And you move your fingers up and down here.

Great... great, alan.

Well, next week we'll be showing you

How black and white people can live together

In peace and harmony

And alan will be over in moscow

Showing us how to reconcile the russians and the chinese.

So, until next week, cheerio.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy

Just like his father.

Oh, do you think so, mrs. nigger-baiter?

Oh, yes.

Spitting image.

Mmm!

Afternoon, mother.

Afternoon, mrs. nigger-baiter.

Ooh, he's walking already.

Yes, he's such a clever little boy.

Coochy-coochy-coo!

Hello, coochy-coo!

Hello, coochy-coochy!

Hello!

Look at him

Laughing!

He's a chirpy little fellow, isn't he?

Isn't he a chirpy little fellow, eh?

Does he talk?

Does he talk, eh?

Of course I can talk.

I'm minister for overseas development.

Ooh, he's a clever little boy!

He's a clever little boy!

Do you like your rattle, eh?

Do you like your rattle?

Look at his eyes following it, eh.

Look at his iggy-piggy-piggy little eyeballs.

Ooh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.

Ooh, he's got a tubby tum-tum!

Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea, please?

I have an important statement on rhodesia

To make in the commons at 6:00.

Oh, mrs. nigger-baiter's exploded!

Good thing, too.

She was my best friend.

Oh, mother, don't be so sentimental.

Things explode every day.

Yes, I suppose so.

Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.

Ooh.

Hello. I'm your new vicar.

Can I interest you in any encyclopedias?

Oh, no. thank you.

We're not church people. thank you.

How about brushes? nylon or bristle?

Strong-tufted, attractive colors.

No. really, thank you, vicar.

Oh, dear. turkey? cup final tickets?

No, no. really, we're just not religious.

Thank you.

Oh, well. bye-bye.

Bye-bye, vicar.

Remember, if you do want anything:

Jewelry, ascot, water heaters...

Thank you, vicar.

It's funny, isn't it, how...

How your best friend can just blow up like that?

You wouldn't think it was medically possible, would you?

This is where mrs. shazam was so wrong.

Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon.

In many fields of medicine nowadays

A dose of dynamite can do a world of good.

For instance, athlete's foot-- an irritating condition--

Can be cured by applying a small charge of tnt

Between each toe...

Excuse me.

Hello. I'm your new vicar.

Can I interest you

In any of these watches, pens or biros?

No. I'm not religious, I'm afraid.

Oh. souvenirs, badges

Little noddy dog for the back of the car?

No. thank you, vicar.

Good morning.

Now, many of the medical profession

Are skeptical about my work.

They point to my record

Of treatment of athlete's foot sufferers:

84 dead, 65 severely wounded and 12 missing, believed cured.

But then, people laughed at bob hope.

They laughed at my wife

When she wrapped herself up in grease-proof paper

And hopped into the social security office.

But that doesn't mean that pasteur was wrong.

Look, I'll show you what I mean.

Watch it, mate.

I'm not going to stand around here

Getting poked and prodded all day.

I'm off.

I've got a decent body.

All I get is poked and prodded in the chest.

Well, I'm off. I'm going to get another line of work.

Watch it!

Don't go any further!

Turn back!

Stop! stop! please! oh, stop!

Oh, my god!

He's fallen off the edge of the cartoon!

Well, so much for that link.

John cobbley is the musical and artistic director

Of covent garden.

He is himself a talented musician

He's a world-famous authority on 19th century russian music

And he's come into the studio tonight

To talk about tschaikowsky...

Which is a bit of a pity

As this is farming club.

And on farming club tonight

We'll be taking a look

At the ministry's latest preventative proposals

To deal with possible outbreaks of foot-and-mouth.

We'll be talking later on

To the man who believes that milk yields

Can be increased dramatically

But first, a farming club special:

"the life of tschaikowsky."

Tschaikowsky-- was he the tortured soul

Who poured out his immortal longings

Into dignified passages of stately music

Or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes?

Tonight, on farming club

We're going to take an intimate look at tschaikowsky

And an intimate look at his friends.

Incidentally, bbc publications

Have prepared a special pamphlet

To go with this program called hello, pianist

And it contains material

Which some people might find offensive

But which is really smashing.

Peter ilytch tschaikowsky was born in 1840

In a ken russell film just outside st. petersburg.

His father leo mckern-- a freelance bishop--

Was married to vera plachenka-- julie christie--

But secretly deeply in love with margo farenka--

Shirley abicair--

And the strangely flatulent madame ranevsky--

Norris mcwhirter.

Soon, however, the family--

Eldridge cleaver, moira lister and stan the bat--

Moved to the neighboring industrial village of omsk--

Eddie waring--

Where they soon found themselves, sadly

Quite unable to cope-- anthony barber.

In 1863, however, tschaikowsky

Was sent to moscow to study the piano

And when he'd finished that

The living room.

Maurice takes up the story.

Well, guess what?

The very next thing he did

Was to go to this extraordinary, but extraordinary duckety-poos

Semi-mondrian house in robin, russia.

Harry here tammy tschaikowsky

Wrote some of the most sammy super symphonies

You've ever henry heard in the whole of your lily life.

She was such a good composer

That everybody, but everybody, wanted to know

And quite right, too

'cause she wrote some lovely bits

Such as "sally sleeping beauty," "patsy pathetique"

"adrian 1812," and lots of connie concerti

For vera violin and peter piano fanny forte.

But what do we really know of this tortured ponce?

Well, if you can imagine the size of nelson's column

Which is roughly three times the size of a london bus

Then tschaikowsky was much smaller.

His head was about the same size

As that of an extremely large dog--

That is to say, two very small dogs

Or four very large hamsters, or one medium-sized rabbit

If you count the whole of the body

And not just the head.

Uh, robin?

Uh, thank you.

Well, here's a three-stage model of tschaikowsky.

Here you see the legs, used for walking around

And which can be jettisoned at night

And, um, this is the main trunk--

The powerhouse of the whole thing--

Incorporating, of course, the naughty bits

Which were extremely naughty for his time

And the whole thing is subservient

To this small command module:

The, as it were, head of the whole, as it were, body.

Robin?

Peter?

Simon.

Maurice.

Me.

Well...

Poor pet, she was like a lost lamb in an abattoir.

Eventually, she dickie died of colin cholera

In st. patsy petersburg, in gertie great percy pain.

Here to play tschaikowsky's

First piano concerto in b-flat minor

Is the world-famous soloist sviatoslav richter.

During the performance

He will escape from a sack, three padlocks

And a pair of handcuffs.

Good evening.

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This was kevin francis before last season's

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See? kevin has slipped into his slenderizing garment

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Three acts and a few special torso exercises later

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The failed writer of sentimental romances--

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Was ist das?!

Achtung! achtung!

Halt! halt!

Halt!

Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen?

Really great.

Now, the next item on the program is...

I can't stand it, man. really not.

I've had it with this idiot

Every night making me say the most inane...

Really terrific act.

Now, the next item on...

I'm off. gone.

I can express myself...

If he feels the same way I feel, man...

Welcome aboard, britisher pig.

Quite a little surprise, ja?

But perhaps you would be so kind as to tell us all you know

About certain allied shipping routes, ja?

Come on, talk!

Hello, fritz.

The tables seem to have turned, old chap.

Let's see how you like a bit of your own medicine, eh?

Come on, fritz, now tell us-- tell us about...

Ah, gleetings, capitalist dog.

Very sorry, but must inform you

That you are now prisoner of people's republic.

I'm very sorry, comrade commando

But I have just picked up

A capitalist ship on radar scanner.

This is your captain speaking.

There is no need for panic.

Women and children first.

I repeat that: women and children first.

Do not rush for the lifeboats

And remember: women and children first.

And indians.

Why did you have to get dressed up like that?

It was the only thing left.

Women, children and red indians.

And spacemen.

Here is a revised list :

Women, children, red indians and spacemen.

What's that meant to be?

Well, it's a sort of impression

Of what a kind of renaissance courtier artist

Might have looked like at the courts

Of one of the great families

Like the medicis or the borgias.

No, it's not.

It's more flemish than italian.

Yes. that's a flemish merchant

Of the 15th or 16th centuries.

What? with these tassels?

Yes, yes.

They had those fitted doublets going...

Tapering down into the full hose, you know.

Exactly like that.

One moment, please. don't panic.

Now, what's it meant to be?

I've got to tell them something.

Is it a flemish merchant?

No, it is not a flemish merchant.

It's more a sort of idealized version

Of the complete renaissance man.

Oh, all right. no, it's not.

All right, all right, all right.

This is your captain speaking.

Do not rush for the lifeboats.

Women, children, red indians

spacemen and sort of idealized versions

of the complete renaissance man first.

Flemish merchants did not wear

Hand-embroidered chevrons!

They did not!

Yes, gomez?

"we found them walking on the beach, my captain."

Gomez, why can't you say this?

What? oh, I see.

We can't afford it. ah!

You see, the bbc has to pay an actor 20 guineas if he speaks

And it makes a bit of a hole in the budget.

28 guineas, sir. oh, sorry!

You fool, gomez!

That's 28 guineas.

What about me, sir?

Are you supposed to speak? no, sir.

Well, you've just spoken! oh, sorry, sir.

You fool, that's 56 guineas before we've even started!

Yes?

What did he do that for?

It's a stunt, sir-- an extra 20 guineas.

Look, we can't afford it!

The bbc is short of money as it is.

The bbc wishes to deny rumors

That it is going into liquidation.

Mrs. kelly, who owns the flat where they live

Has said that they can stay on till the end of the month...

And we've just heard that huw weldon's watch

Has been accepted by the london electricity board

And transmissions for this evening

Can be continued as planned.

Well, that's all from me, so... good night.

Are you going to be in there all night?

It's just a bulletin, mr. kelly.

And now, back to the story.

Commence!

All right!

We found these men walking on the beach, my capitan.

We're british naval officers

And entitled to be...

It's puss!

Hello, puss.

Hello, children.

Stop! stop this adaptation of puss-in-boots!

This is the police department of the state of venezuela.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Oh, yes, it is!

Oh, no, it isn't!

Oh, yes, it is!

Oh, no, it isn't!

Shut up! shut up!

Now, I'm going to ask you some questions

And remember, if you do not give me correct answers

We have ways of making you answer.

Like not paying 28 guineas.

Shut up!

Now, what ship are you from?

We are from the ss mother goose.

We were 12 days out from port of spain and i...

I got 30 bob for the trousers!

We are from the ss mother goose.

We were 12 days out from port of spain

And one night, I was doing my usual rounds

When I had occasion

To pass the forward storage lockers...

Go on.

Oh, um...

Well, i-i noticed something unusual.

The main bilge hatches had been opened

And there, crouching amidst the scuppers

Was the most ghastly creature

I've ever seen in my life.

As soon as it saw me

Its horrible face split aside

In a ghastly look of terror.

Its head, which was like...

Could you sign this, please?

A small, a small rat.

It was ghastly and horrible and befurred.

Its little red eyes glinted

In the unaccustomed glare of the midday sun

And before I could shut the hatch

It sprang upon me with one almighty...

What this about doing

Horse of the year show in here tonight?

I'm sorry, mrs. kelly.

We don't know, I'm afraid.

This is drama.

Mr. fox told me before he went down to the pub

That they're doing horse of the year show

In here tonight at 9:10.

This is bbc two.

I think bbc one are in the kitchen.

Well, I'm not having harvey smith

Jumping over my binette.

No. come on!

...tearing at my throat, ripping my clothes...

And turn the gas off before you leave!

All right!

I fought it with all my strength

But it was too much for me.

Its supernatural powers...

Another clear round

for harvey smith on o'malley.

And now it's mrs. david barker riding atalanta, number three.

Right! that's it.

Come on, out, out, all of you!

Get out of my kitchen! come on!

Harvey smith...

Get out of there!

It's one of our most popular programs.

That's what you think, mr. fox.

Well, that's all from bbc television for this evening.

Come on! get out! out!

Get out of my house!

Out! out!

Get out!

Tonight, from london

Your special guests are

Lulu...

Ringo starr...

And the man you've all been waiting for--

Your host for tonight...

Love the outfit, dear.

It's gorgeous.

Hello. good evening. welcome.

It's...

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