Original subtitles

I, eric, um...

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Michael norman randall

You have been found guilty

Of the murder of arthur reginald webster

Charles patrick trumpington

Marcel agnes bernstein, lewis anona rudd

John malcolm kerr

Nigel sinclair robinson, norman arthur potter

Felicity jayne stone

Jean-paul reynard, rachel shirley donaldson

Stephen jay greenblatt

Karl-heinz muller

Belinda anne ventham

Juan-carlos fernandez

Thor olaf stensgaard

Lord kimberley of pretoria

Lady kimberley of pretoria

The right honourable nigel warmsley kimberley

Robert henry noonan and felix james bennett

On or about the morning of the 19th of december, 1972.

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.

"very sorry"?!

Yes, sir. it was a very, very bad thing to have done

And I'm really very ashamed of myself.

I can only say it won't happen again.

To have murdered so many people in such a short space of time

Is really awful

And I really am very, very, very sorry that I did it

And also that I've taken up so much

Of the court's valuable time

Listening to the sordid details

Of these senseless killings of mine.

I'd particularly like to say

A very personal and sincere sorry to you, m'lord

For my appalling behavior throughout this trial.

I'd also like to say sorry, too, for the police

For putting them to so much trouble--

For the literally hours of work they've had to put in

Collecting evidence

And identifying corpses and so forth.

You know, I think sometimes we ought to realize

The difficult and often dangerous work

Involved in tracking down violent criminals like myself

And I'd just like them to know

That their fine work is at least appreciated by me.

Oh, no, no.

We were only doing our job.

No, no, really.

That's very good of you to say that

But I know what you've been through.

Oh, no, no. we've had worse.

It was plain sailing, apart from the arrest.

I know and I'm grateful.

I'd like to apologize, too, to the prosecuting counsel

For dragging him in here morning after morning

In such lovely weather.

Well, I would have had to come in anyway.

Ah, good. but what a presentation of a case.

Oh. thank you.

Oh, no. it's a privilege to watch you in action.

I never had a chance.

Oh, yes, you did.

Oh, not after that summing up. great.

Oh. thank you.

And now I must come to the jury.

What can I say?

I've dragged you in here day after day

Keeping you away from your homes

Your jobs, your loved ones

Just to hear the private details

Of my petty atrocities.

No, no.

It was very interesting.

But you could have had a much nicer case.

Oh, no, no, no. murder's much more fun.

Yes. and so many of them.

Excellent.

We've had a terrific time.

I'm sorry. I'm very moved.

So, m'lord it only remains

For you to pass the most savage sentence on me

That the law can provide.

Well, uh, not necessarily.

Uh, no, m'lord. the full penalty of the law is hardly sufficient.

I insist I must be made an example of.

Well, yes and no.

I mean, society at large...

Oh, no, m'lord!

Not with mass murder.

Oh, but in this case, don't you think...?

Yes, yes.

Oh, come on, m'lord!

You've got to give me life.

No! no. no.

Well, ten years at least. come on.

Ten years?

Shame, shame.

Well, five then. be fair.

No, no, no, no.

I'm giving you three months.

Oh, my god, that's so embarrassing.

I won't hear of it.

Give me six. please.

Well... all right.

Six months.

Thank you, m'lord.

But suspended.

Oh!

Three cheers for the defendant!

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

For he's a jolly good felon

For he's a jolly good felon

For he's a jolly good felon...

Which nobody can deny...

It's no good, spider.

You can't escape that easily.

We're coming in after you.

This way, davis.

Hmm. we'd best separate.

I'm going down there.

You check the right ventricle.

Any sign of him, davis?

Why, no. nothing here.

All right.

We'll check the spleen.

Wait!

Oh, my god! he's down the back of us!

Quick! we've got to catch him

Before he reaches the neck.

Oh, no. too late, davis!

He's got out!

Oh! he's eating!

Run for it!

Ah!

Oh, my god!

We're here in the stomach!

Oh...

This little-known icelandic saga

Written by an unknown hand in the late 13th century

Has remained undiscovered until today.

Now it comes to your screens for the first time

Fresh from the leaves of iceland's history.

The terrible njorl's saga...

It's not that terrible.

No, I meant terribly violent.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Erik njorl, son of frothgar

Leaves his home to seek hangar the elder

At the house of thorvald nlodvisson

The son of gudleif

Half-brother of thorgier, the priest of ljosa water

Who took to wife thurunn, the mother of thorkel braggart

The slayer of gudmund the powerful

Who knew howal, son of geernon, son of erik from vadalesc

Son arval gristlebeard, son of harken

Who killed bjortguaard in sochnadale in norway

Over gudreed, daughter of thorkel long

The son of kettle-trout

The half-son of harviyoun half-troll

Father of ingbare the brave

Who wed isenbert of gottenberg

The daughter of hangbard the fierce...

We apologize for an error in the saga.

Evidently thorgier, the priest of ljosa water

Who took to wife thurunn, the mother of thorkel braggart

The slayer of gudmund the powerful

Who knew howal, son of geernon, son of erik from vadalesc...

Well, I'm afraid we're having a little trouble

Getting this very exciting icelandic saga started.

If any of you at home have any ideas

About how to get this exciting saga started again

Here's the address to write to:

Help the exciting icelandic saga

18-b macnorten buildings, oban.

Hello, um, well

I was the third voice you heard just now.

Uh, I'm sorry about that terrible mess.

It wasn't all that terrible.

No, no, I meant terrible in the sense of unfortunate.

Oh.

Anyway, um, our plea

For assistance has been answered

By the north malden icelandic saga society

Who've given us some very useful information about the saga

And so we carry on now with "njorl's saga"

With our thanks going once again

To the north malden icelandic saga society.

Erik njorl, son of frothgar

Rode off into the desolate plain.

Day and night he rode

Looking neither to right nor left

Stopping neither for food nor rest.

12 days and nights he rode, through rain and storm

Through wind and snow

Beyond the enchanted waterfall

Through the elfin glades

Until he reached his goal.

He had found the rich and pleasant land

Beyond the mountains...

The land where golden streams

Sang their way through fresh, green meadows

Where there were halls and palaces

An excellent swimming pool

And one of the most attractive

Bonus incentive schemes

For industrial development in the city.

Only 15 miles from excellent

Thames-side docking facilities

And within easy reach of the proposed m25.

Here it was that eric njorl, son of frothgar

Met the mayor

Mr. arthur huddinut, a local solicitor.

Welcome to north malden.

Yes, everyone is welcome to north malden

But none more so than the businessmen and investors

Who shape our society of the future.

Here at north malden...

And we apologize to viewers of njorl's saga

Who may be confused

By so many references to north malden.

And after a frank exchange of views, we have agreed

To carry on showing this version supplied to us

By the north malden icelandic saga society

On the undertaking that future scenes

Will adhere more closely

To the spirit of 12th century iceland.

With moist eyes, eric leaves this happy land

To return to the harsh uneconomic realities

Of life in the land of ljosa waters.

On his way, eric rested a while

In the land of bjornsstrand-- the land of dark forces

Where gildor was king.

These were the dukes of the land of bjornsstrand.

Proud warriors who bore on their chests

The letters of their dread name.

Uh, hello?

Is that the north malden icelandic society?

Yes, that's right.

It's about this saga.

Oh, yes, the icelandic saga.

Yes. good, isn't it?

Well, uh, well, I don't know

but, I mean, you promised us that you would stick

to the spirit of the original text.

Yes, that's right.

Well, I mean, a lot of these things that are happening--

I mean, well, they just don't quite ring true.

Well, it's a new interpretation, really.

Well, we didn't want a new int...

I mean, we wanted the proper thing.

I mean, just look what's happening now.

Banners were a very important part

of icelandic lore, mr. mills.

Well, then, I mean, no, no, I'm sorry.

I just can't accept that. it's gone too far.

I'm very sorry, but we'll have to terminate the agreement.

Oh!

Well, you're just trying to cash in

on the bbc's exciting icelandic saga.

That's business, mr. mills.

Well, that's as may be

but it's not the way the bbc works.

Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way

but, uh, you know, if you ever want

to come to malden...

8:00 is a peak viewing hour

So naturally, we tend to stick to our comedy output.

Unless, of course, there's sport

Because, of course, we know this is popular

And popularity is what television is about.

Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired

Of people accusing us of being ratings conscious.

"ratings conscious"?

Transmitting bland garbage, m'lord.

Mmm. thank you.

Now I'm really cheesed off!

I mean, it's not your highbrow, bleeding plays

That pull in the viewers, you know.

Thank you.

I mean, joe public

Doesn't want to sit down and watch three hours

Of documentaries every evening.

Thank you. he wants to sit down

And he wants to be entertained!

He doesn't want a load of...

No, really! I'm absolutely fed up with it!

I really am! case dismissed.

"case dismissed," m'lord?

All right-- five years.

Thank you, m'lord.

Call the next case, please.

Call erik njorl

Son of frothgar, brother of hangnor...

Call erik njorl

Son of frothgar, brother of hangnor...

Call erik njorl

Son of frothgar, brother of hangnor...

...the slayer of gudmund's son...

You are erik njorl, son of frothgar...

Get on with it.

Would you raise your right hand?

He obviously can't raise his right hand

You silly usher person.

Can you raise your right leg, mr. njorl?

Can you raise any part of your body, mr. njorl?

I see. well, we'll skip that.

Well, just take the book

In your right hand, mr. njorl

Without raising any part of your body.

Oh.

What is it now

You persistently silly usher?

He can't hold the bible, m'lord.

Oh, screw the bible!

Let's get on with this bleeding trial!

I've got a gay lib meeting at 6:00.

Superintendent lufthansa, will you please read the charge?

Is a charge strictly necessary, m'lord?

The press is here.

Oh! oh, sorry.

Um...

Right! here we go.

You are hereby charged:

One, that you did, on or about 1126

Conspire to publicize a london borough

In the course of a bbc saga;

Two, that you were

Willfully and persistently a foreigner;

Three, that you conspired to do things

Not normally considered illegal;

Four, that you were caught in possession

Of an offensive weapon

Viz, the big, brown table down at the police station.

The big, brown table down at the police station?

It's the best we could find, m'lord.

And five: all together now!

Assaulting a police officer!

Thank you!

Call police constable pan-am.

Into the witness box

Constable!

There'll be plenty of time for that later on.

Now...

You are police constable pan-am?

No! I deny that to the last breath in my body!

Oh! sorry. yes.

Police constable, do you recognize the defendant?

No! never seen him before in my life!

Oh! yes! yes!

He's the one!

He done it!

I'd recognize him anywhere.

Sorry, super.

Constable, will you please tell the court

In your own words what happened.

Oh, yes!

I was proceeding in a northerly direction

Up alitalia street...

When I saw the deceased...

Standing at an upstairs window

Baring her bosom at the general public.

She then took off her...

Wait a tick!

Wrong story.

Oh, yes!

There were three nuns in a railway compartment

And the ticket in...

No? anyway, I clearly saw the deceased...

The defendant!

Defendant! sorry.

Sorry, super.

I clearly saw the defendant

Doing whatever he's accused of

Uh, red-handed.

When kicked, uh, cautioned, he said...

"it's a fair... cop, I done it all.

Right. no... doubt about... that."

Then, bound as he was to the chair

He assaulted myself

And three other constables

While bouncing around the cell.

The end.

Thank you, thank you.

And for my next piece of evidence...

I-i think you'd better leave it there, constable.

Excellent evidence, constable.

Thank you very much.

Now, mr. njorl, will you tell the court, please

Where were you on the night of 1126?

Move any part of your body

If you were north of a line from the humber to the mersey.

Is he in there, do you think?

Hello, hello, defendant?

Are you there?

Coo-ee!

Defendant?

I think we better go and have a look, maurice.

Don't call me maurice in court!

Are you in there?

Mr. njorl?

This way, davis.

He's not getting away this time.

We'll go down there and through the left lung.

It was around the left lung that...

Once again, I've proved too clever for...

And now, the stock market report

By exchange telegraph.

Trading was crisp at the start of the day

With some brisk business on the floor.

Rubber hardened, and string remained confident.

Little bits of tin consolidated

Although biscuits sank after an early gain

And stools remained anonymous.

Armpits rallied well after a poor start.

Nipples rose dramatically during the morning

But had declined by mid-afternoon

While teeth clenched, and buttocks remained firm.

Small, dark, furry things increased severely on the floor

Whilst rude jellies wobbled up and down

And bounced against rising thighs

Which had spread to all parts of the country by mid-afternoon.

After lunch, naughty things dipped sharply

Forcing giblets upwards with the nicky nacky noo.

Ting tang tong rankled dithely, little tipples pooped

And poppy things went pong!

Gibble gabble gobble

Went the rickety rackety roo, as the...

Eh, that'll teach you to be normal.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hello, mrs. premise.

Hello, mrs. conclusion.

Busy day?

Busy? I just spent four hours

Burying the cat.

Four hours to bury a cat?

Yes. he wouldn't keep still.

Wriggling about, howling its head off.

Oh, it wasn't dead then?

Well, no, no.

But it's not at all a well cat.

So as we were going away for a fortnight's holiday

I thought I better bury it just to be on the safe side.

Quite right.

You don't want to come back from sorrento to a dead cat.

It would be so anticlimactic.

Yes, kill it now.

That's what I say.

Yes.

We're going to have

To have our budgie put down.

Really? is he very old?

No. we just don't like it.

We're going to take it

To the vet tomorrow.

Tell me, how do they put budgies down then?

Well, it's funny you should ask that

But I've just been reading a great big book

About how to put your budgie down

And apparently, you can either hit them with a book

Or you can shoot them just there

Just above the beak.

Just there? yes.

Well, well, well.

Of course, mrs. essence flushed hers

Down the loo.

Oh, no, you shouldn't do that.

No, that's dangerous.

Yes, they breed in the sewers

And eventually you get evil-smelling flocks

Of huge, soiled budgies

Flying out of people's lavatories

Infringing their personal freedom.

Good morning, mrs. cut-out.

Morning, mrs. cut-out.

It's a funny thing, freedom.

I mean

How can any of us be really free

When we still have personal possessions?

You can't. you can't.

I mean, how can I go off and join frelimo

When I've got nine more installments

To pay on the fridge?

No, you can't. you can't.

Well, this, of course, is the whole crux

Of jean-paul sartre's roads to freedom.

No, it bloody isn't.

The nub of that is his characters stand

For all of us in their desire to avoid action.

Mind you, the man at the off-license

Says it's an everyday story

Of french country folk.

What do they know? nothing.

60 new pence for a bottle of maltese claret.

I personally think that-- oh, beg your pardon--

I personally think that jean-paul's masterwork

Is an allegory of man's search for commitment.

No, it isn't. yes, it is.

'tisn't! 'tis!

No, it isn't!

All right. we can soon settle this.

We'll ask him.

Do you know him? yes.

We met on holiday last year.

In ibiza?

Yes. he was staying there with his wife

And mr. and mrs. genet.

Oh, I did get on well with madam s.

We were like that.

What was jean-paul like?

Well, you know, a bit moody.

Yes. yes.

He didn't join in the fun much.

Just sat there thinking.

Still, mr. rotter caught him a few times

With a whoopee cushion.

Le captitalisme et la bourgeoisie

Ils sont la meme chose...

Oh, we did laugh.

Oh, dear.

Well, we'll give him a tinkle then.

Yes, all right.

She said they were in the book.

Where's the paris telephone directory?

It's on the dryer.

No, no. that's budapest.

Oh, here we are.

Sartre, sartre...

It's 621036.

Oh, thank you, mrs. farley.

Hello? paris 621036, please.

And make it snappy, buster.

Bthe girl from ipanema goes walking

Tall and young and tan...

Hello. hello, mrs. sartre.

It's beulagh premise here.

Oh, pardon.

C'est beulagh premise ici.

Oui, oui, dans ibiza.

Oui. we met...

Nous nous recontrons au hotel miramar.

Oui, a la barbeque, c'est vrai.

Est-ce que jean est chez vouz?

Oh, merde.

When will he be free?

Oh, pardon.

Quand sera t'il libre?

She says he's spent the last 60 years

Trying to work that one out.

Oh, trez amusant, madame s.

Oui, absolument.

A bientot.

Well, he's out distributing pamphlets to the masses

But he'll be in at 6:00.

Oh, well, I'll ring b.e.a. then.

Oh, look! paris!

That's not paris.

Jean-paul wouldn't

Live here.

It's a right old dump.

But this is where they were wrong.

For this was no old dump, but a town with a future

An urban eldorado where the businessman of today can enjoy

The facilities of tomorrow in the comfort of yesterday.

Provided by a go-getting, go-ahead council

Who know just how loud money can talk.

Interest rates...

Well, it's none of my business

But we had the same trouble

With one of our icelandic sagas.

These people are terribly keen

But they do rather tend to take over.

I think I'd stick to caribbean islands if I were you.

Fine.

And now, back to the saga.

Here-- this is not paris.

This is iceland.

Oh... well.

Paris must be over there then.

Oh.

The girl from ipanema goes walking...

Ooh, here we are.

Number 25.

Oh, yes. flat one

Yves montand, flat three, jacques cousteau

Flat four, jean genet and friend...

Ooh, yes.

Flat five, maurice laroux.

Who's he?

Never heard of him.

Flat six, marcel marceau

Walking against the wind, limited.

Flat seven, indira gandhi.

She gets about a bit, doesn't she?

Yes. yes.

Flat eight, jean-paul and betty-muriel sartre.

Oui?

C'est nous, betty-muriel.

Excusez que nous sommes en retard.

Entrez.

Oui, merci.

...mais je suis forte...

Oh, rubbish.

Bonjour.

Parlez vouz anglais?

Oh, yes. good day.

Hello, love.

How are you?

This is mrs. conclusion from number 46.

Oh, nice to meet you, dear.

Hello.

How's the old man been?

Oh, don't ask.

He's in one of his bleeding moods.

The bourgeoisie this, it's the bourgeoisie that.

He's like a little child sometimes.

I was only telling the raniers the other day--

Of course, he's always rude to them

Only classy friends we got--

I was saying, "solidarity with the masses"

I said, "pie in the sky."

Ooh, you're not a marxist, are you, mrs. conclusion?

No, I'm a revisionist.

Oh, good.

I mean, look at this place!

I'm at my wits' end--

Revolutionary leaflets everywhere.

One of these days, I'll revolutionary leaflets him.

If it wasn't for the goat

You couldn't get in here for propaganda.

Well, very well.

Can we, uh, pop in

And have a word with him?

Yes, come along.

Thank you.

But be careful. he's had a few.

Oh.

Mind you, he's good as gold in the morning--

I've got to hand it to him--

But come lunchtime, it's a bottle of vin ordinaire.

Six glasses and he's ready to agitate.

Uh, coo-ee!

Jean-paul?

Jean-paul?

Ah, it's only us.

Oh, pardon, c'est meme nous.

Oui.

Jean-paul, your famous trilogy, rues a liberte

Is it an allegory of man's search for commitment?

Oui.

Told you so.

Oh, coitus.

Today, we look at a vanishing race

A problem people who are fast disappearing

Off the face of the earth...

A race who one might say are losing a winning battle.

They live in a sunshine paradise

A caribbean dream where only reality is missing...

For this is whicker island...

An island inhabited entirely by ex-international interviewers

In pursuit of the impossible dream.

The whole problem of whicker island

Is here in a nutshell.

There are just too many whickers.

The light-weight suits...

The old school ties...

The practiced voice of the seasoned campaigner...

Cannot hide the basic tragedy here.

There just aren't enough rich people left

To interview.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

And so you find them...

Sitting beside elegant swimming pools...

Sipping martinis...

And waiting for the inevitable interview.

I talked to the island's only white man, father pierre.

Father pierre, why did you stay on

In this colonial campari-land

Where the clink of glasses mingles

With the murmur of a million mosquitoes

Where waterfalls of whisky wash away the worries

Of a world-weary whicker

Where gin and tonics jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee

Of something beginning with "j"?

Father pierre, why did you stay on here?

Well...

Mainly for the interviews.

Well, there you have it.

A crumbling...

Empire in the sun-drenched...

Caribbean, where the cliches sparkle on the waters...

Like the music of repeat fees...

And so...

From whicker island...

It's...

Fare...

Well, and...

Bon...

Voy...

Age.