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1
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Come on.
2
00:02:50,434 --> 00:02:53,938
And now for something
completely different...
3
00:02:53,971 --> 00:02:56,540
It's...
4
00:02:59,376 --> 00:03:03,681
Monty python's flying circus.
5
00:03:30,274 --> 00:03:32,576
Thank you very much
for the change
6
00:03:32,610 --> 00:03:34,245
Mr. tobacconist.
7
00:03:34,278 --> 00:03:35,746
Was that all right?
8
00:03:35,779 --> 00:03:38,516
Shh! shh!
9
00:03:55,799 --> 00:03:57,501
Uh... hah...
10
00:03:57,535 --> 00:04:00,671
I will not buy this record.
11
00:04:00,704 --> 00:04:02,173
It is scratched.
12
00:04:02,206 --> 00:04:03,574
Sorry?
13
00:04:03,607 --> 00:04:07,511
I will not buy this record.
14
00:04:07,545 --> 00:04:09,079
It is scratched.
15
00:04:09,113 --> 00:04:10,414
No, no, no.
16
00:04:10,447 --> 00:04:11,982
This... tobacconist's.
17
00:04:12,016 --> 00:04:14,185
Ah!
18
00:04:14,218 --> 00:04:17,788
I will not buy
this tobacconist's.
19
00:04:17,821 --> 00:04:19,690
It is scratched.
20
00:04:19,723 --> 00:04:21,025
No, no, no, no.
21
00:04:21,058 --> 00:04:22,693
Tobacco.
um... cigarettes.
22
00:04:22,726 --> 00:04:24,028
Yah.
yeah?
23
00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:25,696
Yah. cigarettes. yah.
24
00:04:25,729 --> 00:04:27,031
Uh... uh... yah.
25
00:04:27,064 --> 00:04:31,468
My hovercraft is full of eels.
26
00:04:33,170 --> 00:04:35,539
My hovercraft...
27
00:04:35,573 --> 00:04:36,874
Is full of eels.
28
00:04:36,907 --> 00:04:38,375
Matches. matches.
29
00:04:38,409 --> 00:04:41,178
Yah, yah,
yah, yah, yah.
30
00:04:41,212 --> 00:04:43,147
Do you want...
31
00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:45,149
Do you want...
32
00:04:45,182 --> 00:04:47,484
To come back
to my place...
33
00:04:47,518 --> 00:04:50,154
Bouncy bouncy?
34
00:04:50,187 --> 00:04:52,857
I don't think
you're using that right.
35
00:04:52,890 --> 00:04:54,425
You great poof.
36
00:04:54,458 --> 00:04:56,894
Um... that'll be six and six,
please.
37
00:04:56,927 --> 00:05:00,564
If I said
you had a beautiful body
38
00:05:00,598 --> 00:05:03,701
Would you hold it against me?
39
00:05:03,734 --> 00:05:06,704
I-i am no longer infected.
40
00:05:06,737 --> 00:05:08,739
Um... may i? may i?
41
00:05:08,772 --> 00:05:10,241
Yah, yah, yah.
42
00:05:10,274 --> 00:05:11,742
It costs
six and six...
43
00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:13,410
Costs six and... ah!
44
00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:14,745
Here we are. um...
45
00:05:14,778 --> 00:05:16,780
Yandelvayasna grldenwi
46
00:05:16,814 --> 00:05:19,617
Stravenka.
47
00:05:56,453 --> 00:05:59,123
What's going
on here, then?
48
00:05:59,156 --> 00:06:02,626
Ah! you have
beautiful thighs.
49
00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:03,961
What?
50
00:06:03,994 --> 00:06:05,296
He hit me.
51
00:06:05,329 --> 00:06:06,997
Drop your panties,
sir william.
52
00:06:07,031 --> 00:06:08,632
I cannot wait
till lunchtime.
53
00:06:08,666 --> 00:06:09,967
Right!
54
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,502
My nipples
55
00:06:11,535 --> 00:06:15,039
Explode with delight.
56
00:06:15,072 --> 00:06:17,474
Call alexander yahlt.
57
00:06:17,508 --> 00:06:20,311
Call alexander yahlt
58
00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:23,147
Call alexander yahlt
59
00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:26,851
Call alexander yahlt.
60
00:06:27,184 --> 00:06:28,752
Oh, shut up!
61
00:06:28,786 --> 00:06:30,821
You are
alexander yahlt?
62
00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:32,323
Oh, I am.
63
00:06:32,356 --> 00:06:34,325
Skip the
impersonations.
64
00:06:34,358 --> 00:06:35,726
You are
alexander yahlt?
65
00:06:35,759 --> 00:06:37,061
I am.
66
00:06:37,094 --> 00:06:38,395
You are hereby charged
67
00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:40,164
That on the 28th day of may,
1970
68
00:06:40,197 --> 00:06:43,434
You did willfully, unlawfully,
and with malice aforethought
69
00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:46,070
Publish an alleged
english/hungarian phrase book
70
00:06:46,103 --> 00:06:47,404
With intent
71
00:06:47,438 --> 00:06:49,373
To cause a breach
of the peace.
72
00:06:49,406 --> 00:06:50,374
How do you plead?
73
00:06:50,407 --> 00:06:51,509
Not guilty.
74
00:06:51,542 --> 00:06:54,211
You live at 46 horton terrace?
75
00:06:54,245 --> 00:06:55,846
I do live at 46 horton terrace.
76
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,414
You are the director
of a publishing company?
77
00:06:57,448 --> 00:06:59,049
I am the director
of a publishing company.
78
00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:00,584
Your company
publishes phrase books?
79
00:07:00,618 --> 00:07:02,186
My company does publish
phrase books.
80
00:07:02,219 --> 00:07:03,721
You did say 46 horton terrace,
did you?
81
00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:04,388
Yes.
82
00:07:04,421 --> 00:07:05,656
Hah! got him!
83
00:07:05,689 --> 00:07:07,892
Get on with it.
84
00:07:07,925 --> 00:07:09,193
Get on with it.
85
00:07:09,226 --> 00:07:10,528
Yes, m'lord.
86
00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,296
On the 28th day of may
87
00:07:12,329 --> 00:07:14,765
You published
this phrase book.
88
00:07:14,798 --> 00:07:16,133
I did.
89
00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:17,801
I quote an example.
90
00:07:17,835 --> 00:07:19,737
The hungarian phrase
meaning
91
00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:22,139
"can you direct me
to the station"
92
00:07:22,173 --> 00:07:24,608
Is translated
by the english phrase
93
00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:28,312
"please fondle my bum."
94
00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:31,048
I wish to plead incompetence.
95
00:07:31,081 --> 00:07:34,885
Please, may I ask for
an adjournment, m'lord?
96
00:07:34,919 --> 00:07:39,089
Adjournment? certainly not.
97
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,497
Why on earth didn't you say
why you wanted an adjournment?
98
00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:52,436
I didn't know an
acceptable legal
phrase, m'lord.
99
00:07:53,704 --> 00:07:57,041
If there's any more stock film
of women applauding
100
00:07:57,074 --> 00:07:58,709
I shall clear the court.
101
00:07:58,742 --> 00:08:02,346
Call abigail tesler.
102
00:08:02,913 --> 00:08:05,082
M'lord, this
is abigail tesler.
103
00:08:05,115 --> 00:08:05,783
Is it?
104
00:08:05,816 --> 00:08:07,218
Yes, m'lord.
105
00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:09,320
23-year-old abigail
hails from down under
106
00:08:09,353 --> 00:08:11,155
Where they're
upside down about her.
107
00:08:11,188 --> 00:08:13,390
Those aussies certainly
know a thing or two
108
00:08:13,424 --> 00:08:14,992
When it comes to beach belles.
109
00:08:15,025 --> 00:08:18,128
Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind
giving her the kiss of life.
110
00:08:18,162 --> 00:08:20,064
So watch out for the sharks,
abigail.
111
00:08:20,097 --> 00:08:22,166
Journalist
"is this strictly relevant?"
112
00:08:22,199 --> 00:08:24,468
Quizzed learned lovely,
justice maltravers.
113
00:08:24,502 --> 00:08:26,504
78-year-old justice
hails from esher
114
00:08:26,537 --> 00:08:28,906
And he's been making
a big name for himself
115
00:08:28,939 --> 00:08:30,708
At the recent assizes
at exeter.
116
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:33,143
"all will be revealed soon,
m'lord"
117
00:08:33,177 --> 00:08:36,347
Quipped tall, 42-year-old
nelson bedowes, cutie q.c.
118
00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:38,048
Nelson's keen on negligence
119
00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:40,451
And grievous bodily harm
at gray's inn.
120
00:08:40,484 --> 00:08:42,186
And with cases like he's won
121
00:08:42,219 --> 00:08:44,622
We bet gray's in
when nelson's around.
122
00:08:44,655 --> 00:08:46,290
"well, get on with it"
123
00:08:46,323 --> 00:08:48,692
Admitted 78-year-old
genial jurisprude maltravers
124
00:08:48,726 --> 00:08:51,595
Seen here at london airport
on his way to judge for britain
125
00:08:51,629 --> 00:08:53,931
At the famous international
court at the hague.
126
00:08:53,964 --> 00:08:56,600
Get off!
127
00:10:09,406 --> 00:10:10,641
Good evening.
128
00:10:10,674 --> 00:10:12,977
Tonight is indeed
a unique occasion
129
00:10:13,010 --> 00:10:14,979
In the history of television.
130
00:10:15,012 --> 00:10:17,748
We are very privileged
and deeply honored
131
00:10:17,781 --> 00:10:20,384
To have with us in the studio
karl marx
132
00:10:20,417 --> 00:10:22,186
Founder of modern socialism
133
00:10:22,219 --> 00:10:24,722
And author
of the communist manifesto.
134
00:10:24,755 --> 00:10:26,156
Vladimir ilich ulyanov
135
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:28,359
Better known to the world
as lenin
136
00:10:28,392 --> 00:10:31,929
Leader of the russian
revolution, writer, statesman
137
00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:33,631
And father of modern communism.
138
00:10:33,664 --> 00:10:35,366
Che guevara
139
00:10:35,399 --> 00:10:37,101
The cuban guerrilla leader
140
00:10:37,134 --> 00:10:38,869
And mao tse tung
141
00:10:38,903 --> 00:10:42,206
Leader of the chinese
communist party since 1949.
142
00:10:42,239 --> 00:10:45,943
And the first question
is for you, karl marx.
143
00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:47,444
"the hammers."
144
00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:54,451
"'the hammers' is the nickname
of what english football team?"
145
00:10:54,785 --> 00:10:56,086
The hammers?
146
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,189
No? well, bad luck there, karl.
147
00:10:58,222 --> 00:10:59,823
So we go on to you, che.
148
00:10:59,857 --> 00:11:01,458
Che guevara.
149
00:11:01,492 --> 00:11:05,362
"coventry city last won
the f.a. cup in what year?"
150
00:11:05,396 --> 00:11:07,264
No?
151
00:11:07,298 --> 00:11:08,866
I'll throw it open.
152
00:11:08,899 --> 00:11:12,937
"coventry city last won
the f.a. cup in what year?"
153
00:11:12,970 --> 00:11:15,806
No? well, I'm not surprised
you didn't get that.
154
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,741
It was in fact a trick question.
155
00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:20,277
Coventry city have never won
the f.a. cup.
156
00:11:20,311 --> 00:11:22,179
So, with the scores
all equal now
157
00:11:22,213 --> 00:11:23,848
We go on to our second round
158
00:11:23,881 --> 00:11:26,083
And, lenin,
it's your starter for ten.
159
00:11:26,116 --> 00:11:28,319
"teddy johnson
and pearl carr
160
00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:31,555
"won the eurovision
song contest in 1959.
161
00:11:31,589 --> 00:11:35,259
What was the name
of the song?"
162
00:11:35,292 --> 00:11:38,028
Teddy johnson
and pearl carr's song
163
00:11:38,062 --> 00:11:39,997
In the 1959
song contest?
164
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:42,366
Anybody? no?
165
00:11:42,399 --> 00:11:44,134
Yes, mao tse-tung.
166
00:11:44,168 --> 00:11:46,737
"sing little birdie"?
167
00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:48,305
Yes, it was indeed.
168
00:11:48,339 --> 00:11:51,609
Well challenged.
169
00:11:51,809 --> 00:11:55,379
Well, now we come on
to our special gift section.
170
00:11:55,412 --> 00:11:57,448
The contestant is karl marx
171
00:11:57,481 --> 00:12:03,220
And the prize this week
is a beautiful lounge suite.
172
00:12:03,254 --> 00:12:06,357
Now, karl has elected
to answer questions
173
00:12:06,390 --> 00:12:09,159
On the workers' control
of factories
174
00:12:09,193 --> 00:12:11,629
So here we go
with question number one.
175
00:12:11,662 --> 00:12:13,297
You nervous?
176
00:12:13,330 --> 00:12:16,934
"the development
of the industrial proletariat
177
00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:20,171
Is conditioned
by what other development?"
178
00:12:20,204 --> 00:12:22,673
The development
of the industrial bourgeoisie.
179
00:12:22,706 --> 00:12:25,509
Yes. yes. yes, indeed.
180
00:12:25,543 --> 00:12:28,078
You're on your way
to your lounge suite, karl.
181
00:12:28,112 --> 00:12:29,213
Question number two:
182
00:12:29,246 --> 00:12:31,215
"the struggle
of class against class
183
00:12:31,248 --> 00:12:32,383
Is a what struggle?"
184
00:12:32,416 --> 00:12:33,384
"a what struggle?"
185
00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,552
A political struggle.
186
00:12:34,585 --> 00:12:36,854
Yes. yes.
187
00:12:36,887 --> 00:12:38,255
One final question, karl
188
00:12:38,289 --> 00:12:40,858
And the beautiful lounge suite
will be yours.
189
00:12:40,891 --> 00:12:42,226
You going to have a go?
190
00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:43,327
You're a brave man.
191
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,129
Karl marx,
your final question:
192
00:12:45,162 --> 00:12:47,765
"who won the cup final
in 1949?"
193
00:12:47,798 --> 00:12:51,101
Uh... the workers control
the means of production.
194
00:12:51,135 --> 00:12:53,637
The struggle
of the urban proletariat.
195
00:12:53,671 --> 00:12:56,140
No. it was in fact
wolverhampton wanderers
196
00:12:56,173 --> 00:13:00,010
Who beat leicester 3-1.
197
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,901
Ah. thank you.
198
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:26,337
Just the word
I was looking for.
199
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,339
"I wonder," said la farge
200
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:30,508
"just how much molineux."
201
00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:31,675
Hey!
202
00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:34,812
That's the bad jokes.
203
00:13:34,845 --> 00:13:38,516
And now a bit of fun.
204
00:14:20,391 --> 00:14:21,725
Jenkins?
205
00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:23,127
Yes, sarge?
206
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,829
What you gonna do when
you get back to blighty?
207
00:14:25,863 --> 00:14:27,131
I don't know, sarge.
208
00:14:27,164 --> 00:14:29,366
I 'spect I'll be looking
after me mum.
209
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,235
She'll be getting on
a bit now.
210
00:14:31,268 --> 00:14:33,170
Got family of your
own, have you?
211
00:14:33,204 --> 00:14:34,305
No, she's...
212
00:14:34,338 --> 00:14:36,073
She's all I got left now.
213
00:14:36,106 --> 00:14:37,975
My wife doreen, she...
214
00:14:38,008 --> 00:14:39,310
I got a letter.
215
00:14:39,343 --> 00:14:41,145
You don't have
to tell me, son.
216
00:14:41,178 --> 00:14:43,047
No, sarge, I'd like
to tell you.
217
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,281
See... this place...
218
00:14:44,315 --> 00:14:45,349
Hold it!
219
00:14:45,382 --> 00:14:46,650
Hold it!
220
00:14:46,684 --> 00:14:49,620
Look, loves, can anyone
not involved in this scene
221
00:14:49,653 --> 00:14:50,888
Please leave the set?
222
00:14:50,921 --> 00:14:52,189
Now, come on. please.
223
00:14:52,223 --> 00:14:54,258
Anyone not concerned
in this scene.
224
00:14:54,291 --> 00:14:55,893
The canteen's open
upstairs.
225
00:14:55,926 --> 00:14:57,194
Now, come on, please.
226
00:14:57,228 --> 00:14:58,529
Sorry, loves, sorry.
227
00:14:58,562 --> 00:15:01,565
We'll have to take it again
from the top, all right?
228
00:15:01,599 --> 00:15:02,566
Okay.
229
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,935
Cue!
230
00:15:06,637 --> 00:15:08,239
Hold it!
231
00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:09,240
Hold it!
232
00:15:09,273 --> 00:15:10,941
Now, who changed the caption?
233
00:15:10,975 --> 00:15:12,776
Can whoever changed the caption
234
00:15:12,810 --> 00:15:15,212
Put the right one back
immediately, please?
235
00:15:15,246 --> 00:15:21,685
Right. all right, we'll
take it again from the top. cue.
236
00:15:21,719 --> 00:15:22,686
Hold it!
237
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:23,954
Hold it!
238
00:15:23,988 --> 00:15:25,589
Come on, come on,
out of there!
239
00:15:25,623 --> 00:15:26,724
You're not in this.
240
00:15:26,757 --> 00:15:28,759
You're just holding
the whole thing up.
241
00:15:28,792 --> 00:15:29,860
Come on, please.
242
00:15:29,894 --> 00:15:31,662
It's no good, loves,
it's no good.
243
00:15:31,695 --> 00:15:33,330
We'll have to leave
it for now.
244
00:15:33,364 --> 00:15:35,766
Come back when everyone's
settled down a bit.
245
00:15:35,799 --> 00:15:38,536
So that means we
go over to the art
room, all right?
246
00:15:38,569 --> 00:15:41,539
So, cue camera three.
247
00:15:41,572 --> 00:15:43,541
Sorry! camera four.
248
00:15:43,574 --> 00:15:45,242
Aren't they marvelous?
249
00:15:45,276 --> 00:15:46,243
Yes, yes.
250
00:15:46,277 --> 00:15:48,379
The strength and boldness...
251
00:15:48,412 --> 00:15:51,315
Life and power
in those colors.
252
00:15:51,348 --> 00:15:53,484
This must be
titian's masterpiece.
253
00:15:53,517 --> 00:15:56,487
Oh, indeed, if only for
the composition alone.
254
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,856
The strength
of those foreground figures
255
00:15:58,889 --> 00:16:00,758
The firmness of the line.
256
00:16:00,791 --> 00:16:07,598
Yes, the confidence
of a master at the
height of his powers.
257
00:16:16,173 --> 00:16:17,241
Yes?
258
00:16:17,274 --> 00:16:18,976
Hello, sonny.
your dad in?
259
00:16:19,009 --> 00:16:20,277
Yes.
260
00:16:20,311 --> 00:16:21,679
Could I speak
to him, please?
261
00:16:21,712 --> 00:16:23,180
It's the man
from "the hay-wain."
262
00:16:23,214 --> 00:16:24,348
Who?
263
00:16:24,381 --> 00:16:26,483
The man from "the hay-wain"
by constable.
264
00:16:26,517 --> 00:16:28,485
Dad! it's the man
from "the hay-wain"
265
00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:29,854
By constable
to see you.
266
00:16:29,887 --> 00:16:32,456
Coming.
267
00:16:41,365 --> 00:16:42,366
Hello.
268
00:16:42,399 --> 00:16:43,868
How are you?
come on in.
269
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:45,302
Oh, no, no.
can't stop.
270
00:16:45,336 --> 00:16:47,004
Just passing by, actually.
271
00:16:47,037 --> 00:16:48,539
Oh. where are you now?
272
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:49,974
Well may you ask.
273
00:16:50,007 --> 00:16:52,510
We've just been moved in
next to a roomful of bruegels.
274
00:16:52,543 --> 00:16:55,079
Terrible bloody din--
skating all hours of the night.
275
00:16:55,112 --> 00:16:56,914
Anyway, I've just dropped in
to tell you
276
00:16:56,947 --> 00:16:58,949
There's been a walkout
in the impressionists.
277
00:16:58,983 --> 00:17:00,518
Walkout, eh?
278
00:17:00,551 --> 00:17:02,920
Yeah. it started with
the dejeuner sur l'herbe lot.
279
00:17:02,953 --> 00:17:04,421
Evidently, they were moved away
280
00:17:04,455 --> 00:17:06,156
From above the radiator
or something.
281
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:07,992
Anyway, the impressionists
are all out.
282
00:17:08,025 --> 00:17:10,794
Gainsborough's blue boy's
brought out the 18th-century
english portraits
283
00:17:10,828 --> 00:17:13,430
The flemish school's solid,
and the german woodcuts
are at a meeting now.
284
00:17:13,464 --> 00:17:15,533
Right. well, I'll get
the renaissance school out.
285
00:17:15,566 --> 00:17:17,568
Okay. meeting 4:30--
"bridge at arles."
286
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,136
Okay. cheerio.
good luck, son.
287
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:20,371
Good luck.
288
00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:21,672
Right. everybody out!
289
00:17:21,705 --> 00:17:23,641
I'm off.
290
00:17:23,674 --> 00:17:25,042
I'm off.
291
00:17:25,075 --> 00:17:27,545
I'm off.
292
00:17:27,578 --> 00:17:29,713
I'm off.
293
00:17:29,747 --> 00:17:32,283
I'm off, dear.
294
00:17:32,316 --> 00:17:34,385
I'm off.
295
00:17:34,418 --> 00:17:36,253
I'm off, too.
296
00:17:36,287 --> 00:17:38,923
I'm off.
297
00:17:39,557 --> 00:17:40,758
Here is the news.
298
00:17:40,791 --> 00:17:42,259
By an almost unanimous vote
299
00:17:42,293 --> 00:17:44,094
paintings
in the national gallery
300
00:17:44,128 --> 00:17:45,696
voted to continue the strike
301
00:17:45,729 --> 00:17:47,998
that has emptied frames
for the last week.
302
00:17:48,032 --> 00:17:50,100
The man from constable's
"the hay-wain"
303
00:17:50,134 --> 00:17:52,336
said last night
that there was no chance
304
00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:54,939
of a return to the pictures
before the weekend.
305
00:17:54,972 --> 00:17:58,075
Sir kenneth clarke has said
he will talk to any painting
306
00:17:58,108 --> 00:18:02,346
if it can help bring
a speedy end to the strike.
307
00:18:02,379 --> 00:18:04,548
At sotheby's,
prices dropped dramatically
308
00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:06,951
as leading figures
left their paintings.
309
00:18:06,984 --> 00:18:08,652
What am I bid for vermeer's
310
00:18:08,686 --> 00:18:11,088
"lady who used to be
at a window"?
311
00:18:11,121 --> 00:18:12,356
Do I hear two bob?
312
00:18:12,389 --> 00:18:13,357
Two bob!
313
00:18:13,390 --> 00:18:14,592
Gone.
314
00:18:14,625 --> 00:18:17,161
Now what am I bid
for another great bargain--
315
00:18:17,194 --> 00:18:19,196
Edwin landseer's
"nothing at bay"?
316
00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:20,464
All we bloody want
317
00:18:20,497 --> 00:18:23,167
Is a little bit
of bloody consultation.
318
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:27,104
At a mass meeting
at brentford football ground
319
00:18:27,137 --> 00:18:29,940
Other works of art
voted to come out
320
00:18:29,974 --> 00:18:32,176
In support of the paintings.
321
00:18:32,209 --> 00:18:34,178
The vote was unanimous...
322
00:18:34,211 --> 00:18:36,947
With one abstention.
323
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:38,549
Meanwhile at television centre
324
00:18:38,582 --> 00:18:40,918
work began again
on a sketch about ypres.
325
00:18:40,951 --> 00:18:43,921
A spokesman for the sketch
said he fully expected it
326
00:18:43,954 --> 00:18:48,359
to be more sensible this time.
327
00:18:54,365 --> 00:18:55,766
Jenkins?
328
00:18:55,799 --> 00:18:56,800
Yes, sarge?
329
00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:57,868
What you gonna do
330
00:18:57,902 --> 00:18:59,436
When you get back
to blighty?
331
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:00,871
I don't know, sarge.
332
00:19:00,905 --> 00:19:02,373
I 'spect I'll look
after me mum.
333
00:19:02,406 --> 00:19:03,841
She'll be getting on
a bit now.
334
00:19:03,874 --> 00:19:06,177
Got a family of
your own, have you?
335
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:08,946
No. she-she's all
I got left now.
336
00:19:08,979 --> 00:19:10,781
My wife doreen, she...
337
00:19:10,814 --> 00:19:12,216
I got a letter.
338
00:19:12,249 --> 00:19:13,717
You don't have
to tell me, son.
339
00:19:13,751 --> 00:19:15,319
No, sarge,
I'd like to tell you.
340
00:19:15,352 --> 00:19:17,454
You see, this bloke
from up the street...
341
00:19:17,488 --> 00:19:18,556
Okay, chaps.
342
00:19:18,589 --> 00:19:19,957
At ease.
343
00:19:19,990 --> 00:19:21,692
I've just been
up the line.
344
00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:23,227
Can we get
through, sir?
345
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,395
No. I'm afraid
we'll have to make
346
00:19:24,428 --> 00:19:25,429
A break for it
at nightfall.
347
00:19:25,462 --> 00:19:26,430
Right, sir.
348
00:19:26,463 --> 00:19:27,431
We're all with you.
349
00:19:27,464 --> 00:19:28,465
Yes, I know.
350
00:19:28,499 --> 00:19:30,000
That's just the
problem, sergeant.
351
00:19:30,034 --> 00:19:31,235
How many are
there of us?
352
00:19:31,268 --> 00:19:33,270
Well, sir, there's
you, me, jenkins
353
00:19:33,304 --> 00:19:35,306
Padre, kipper--
there's five, sir.
354
00:19:35,339 --> 00:19:39,176
And only rations
for...
355
00:19:39,543 --> 00:19:41,011
Four, sir.
356
00:19:41,045 --> 00:19:42,046
Precisely.
357
00:19:42,079 --> 00:19:43,714
I'm afraid one of us
358
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:48,619
Will have to take
the other way out.
359
00:19:51,889 --> 00:19:53,257
I'm a goner, major.
360
00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:54,358
Leave me.
361
00:19:54,391 --> 00:19:56,961
I'm... I'm not
a complete man anymore.
362
00:19:56,994 --> 00:19:59,830
You've lost both
your arms as well.
363
00:19:59,864 --> 00:20:02,199
Yes.
364
00:20:02,266 --> 00:20:04,001
Damn silly, really.
365
00:20:04,034 --> 00:20:05,870
No, no, we'll draw for it.
366
00:20:05,903 --> 00:20:08,672
That's the way we do
things in the army.
367
00:20:08,706 --> 00:20:09,673
Sergeant, the straws.
368
00:20:09,707 --> 00:20:12,276
Righto.
369
00:20:13,377 --> 00:20:14,478
All right.
370
00:20:14,512 --> 00:20:17,715
Now, the man who gets
the shortest straw
371
00:20:17,748 --> 00:20:20,184
Knows what to do.
372
00:20:20,217 --> 00:20:21,919
Looks like
373
00:20:21,952 --> 00:20:22,887
You, sir.
374
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,655
Is it? oh, what did we say--
375
00:20:24,688 --> 00:20:26,423
"the longest straw," was it?
376
00:20:26,457 --> 00:20:27,925
No. shortest, sir.
377
00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:29,393
Well, we better
do it again.
378
00:20:29,426 --> 00:20:31,595
There's obviously been
a bit of a muddle.
379
00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:34,598
There we go.
380
00:20:39,937 --> 00:20:43,073
Best of three?
381
00:20:50,281 --> 00:20:51,949
Right.
382
00:20:51,982 --> 00:20:56,387
Well, I got
the shortest straw, so...
383
00:20:56,420 --> 00:21:00,224
I decide what means we use
to decide who's going to do...
384
00:21:00,257 --> 00:21:03,160
To-to-to, uh, to, uh,
to do the thing...
385
00:21:03,194 --> 00:21:04,828
To do the right thing.
386
00:21:04,862 --> 00:21:07,965
Now, rank doesn't enter
into this.
387
00:21:07,998 --> 00:21:10,901
But obviously, if I should
get through the lines
388
00:21:10,935 --> 00:21:15,272
I'll be in a very good position
to recommend anyone very highly
389
00:21:15,306 --> 00:21:18,976
For a posthumous v.c.
390
00:21:25,416 --> 00:21:27,651
No? good, fine.
391
00:21:27,685 --> 00:21:29,086
Fine, fine,
fine, fine.
392
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,589
Right.
393
00:21:31,755 --> 00:21:35,159
Dip, dip, dip,
my little ship
394
00:21:35,192 --> 00:21:37,628
Sails on the ocean,
you are...
395
00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:38,762
No, no, wait
a minute.
396
00:21:38,796 --> 00:21:41,632
Um... i-i-i must have
missed out a dip.
397
00:21:41,665 --> 00:21:42,666
We'll start again.
398
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:46,637
Dip, dip, dip, dip,
my little ship
399
00:21:46,670 --> 00:21:48,539
Sails on the ocean,
you are...
400
00:21:48,572 --> 00:21:50,140
No, this is not
working out.
401
00:21:50,174 --> 00:21:51,575
It-it's not
working out.
402
00:21:51,609 --> 00:21:53,177
Uh, what-what
shall we do?
403
00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:55,179
How about
one potato, two potato, sir?
404
00:21:55,212 --> 00:21:56,847
Don't be childish,
jenkins.
405
00:21:56,881 --> 00:21:59,617
No, um, I think-
I think fisties
406
00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:01,318
Would be best.
407
00:22:01,352 --> 00:22:04,088
Okay? so, uh,
hands behind backs.
408
00:22:04,121 --> 00:22:07,157
After "three," okay?
409
00:22:07,191 --> 00:22:10,461
One, two, three!
410
00:22:11,695 --> 00:22:13,330
Now, what's this?
411
00:22:13,364 --> 00:22:16,300
Uh, stone, stone, stone
and scissors.
412
00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:19,537
Now, uh, scissors
cut everything, don't they?
413
00:22:19,570 --> 00:22:20,671
Not stones, sir.
414
00:22:20,704 --> 00:22:24,875
They're very good
scissors.
415
00:22:25,342 --> 00:22:27,077
And padre
hasn't been!
416
00:22:27,111 --> 00:22:28,913
No arms, sir.
417
00:22:28,946 --> 00:22:30,548
Oh, I'm
terribly sorry.
418
00:22:30,581 --> 00:22:32,816
I-i-i-i'm afraid
I didn't, um...
419
00:22:32,850 --> 00:22:35,553
Tell you what--
all those people
420
00:22:35,586 --> 00:22:37,721
Who don't want
to stay here
421
00:22:37,755 --> 00:22:42,393
And shoot themselves.
raise their arms.
422
00:22:42,426 --> 00:22:43,661
Stop it! stop it!
423
00:22:43,694 --> 00:22:46,130
Stop this... this
hideous facade.
424
00:22:46,163 --> 00:22:47,665
E... easy, padre.
425
00:22:47,698 --> 00:22:48,999
No, no, I must speak.
426
00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:50,434
When i... when I came
427
00:22:50,467 --> 00:22:52,469
To this war, I had two arms--
two good arms
428
00:22:52,503 --> 00:22:54,672
But when the time came to...
to lose one, i...
429
00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:58,108
I gave it-- I gave it gladly.
430
00:22:58,142 --> 00:22:59,877
I smiled as they cut it off
431
00:22:59,910 --> 00:23:03,180
Because I knew there was
a future for mankind. i...
432
00:23:03,214 --> 00:23:05,616
I knew there was hope
433
00:23:05,649 --> 00:23:09,019
So long as men were prepared
to give their limbs!
434
00:23:09,053 --> 00:23:12,957
And when the time came for me
to give my other arm, i...
435
00:23:12,990 --> 00:23:14,525
I gave it gladly, i...
436
00:23:14,558 --> 00:23:17,261
I sang as they sawed it off,
because I believed--
437
00:23:17,294 --> 00:23:19,330
Oh, you may laugh!--
438
00:23:19,363 --> 00:23:22,867
But I believed
with every fiber of my body
439
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:26,003
With every drop of rain
that falls
440
00:23:26,036 --> 00:23:29,640
A... a flower grows.
441
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,343
And that flower--
442
00:23:32,376 --> 00:23:36,313
That small, agile,
delicate flower--
443
00:23:36,347 --> 00:23:38,582
Shall burst forth
444
00:23:38,616 --> 00:23:40,618
To give a new life
445
00:23:40,651 --> 00:23:43,854
A new strength!
446
00:24:00,871 --> 00:24:04,441
...there is freedom--
freedom from fear
447
00:24:04,475 --> 00:24:07,711
Freedom from oppression
and freedom from tyranny.
448
00:24:07,745 --> 00:24:11,282
A world where men and women
of all races and creeds
449
00:24:11,315 --> 00:24:13,017
Can live together in communion.
450
00:24:13,050 --> 00:24:15,286
And then in the twilight
of this life
451
00:24:15,319 --> 00:24:19,190
Our children
and our children's children...
452
00:24:19,223 --> 00:24:20,324
Our patients here
453
00:24:20,357 --> 00:24:22,593
Are suffering
from severe overacting.
454
00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:23,594
Argh! jim, lad!
455
00:24:23,627 --> 00:24:26,330
Argh! jim, lad!
456
00:24:26,363 --> 00:24:29,533
When they're brought in,
they're all really over the top.
457
00:24:29,567 --> 00:24:32,803
It's our job to try and treat
the condition of overacting.
458
00:24:32,837 --> 00:24:34,471
Rather serious.
459
00:24:34,505 --> 00:24:38,809
This is the richard iii ward.
460
00:24:43,614 --> 00:24:46,984
A horse. a horse.
461
00:24:47,451 --> 00:24:50,354
My kingdom for a horse.
462
00:24:50,387 --> 00:24:52,890
Most of these cases
are pretty unpleasant.
463
00:24:52,923 --> 00:24:53,991
A horse!
464
00:24:54,024 --> 00:24:55,092
Nurse?
465
00:24:55,125 --> 00:24:56,160
A horse!
466
00:24:56,193 --> 00:24:59,029
My kingdom for...
467
00:24:59,063 --> 00:25:01,432
But the treatment does work
with some people.
468
00:25:01,465 --> 00:25:02,566
This chap came to us
469
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,735
Straight from the
chichester festival.
470
00:25:04,768 --> 00:25:08,105
We operated just in time,
and now he's almost normal.
471
00:25:08,138 --> 00:25:10,007
A horse, a horse.
472
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,878
My kingdom for a horse.
473
00:25:16,447 --> 00:25:20,117
Argh! argh!
argh! argh!
474
00:25:20,150 --> 00:25:23,454
Argh! argh!
argh! argh!
475
00:25:23,487 --> 00:25:26,323
But, uh, in here,
we have some very nasty
476
00:25:26,357 --> 00:25:28,259
Cases, indeed.
477
00:25:28,292 --> 00:25:31,795
To be or not to be.
478
00:25:32,363 --> 00:25:36,033
That is the question.
479
00:25:38,469 --> 00:25:40,404
To be...
to be...
480
00:25:40,437 --> 00:25:43,007
Oh.
oh.
481
00:26:08,832 --> 00:26:10,668
Good evening.
482
00:26:10,701 --> 00:26:14,972
First, take a bunch of flowers:
483
00:26:15,005 --> 00:26:19,643
Pretty begonias, irises,
freesias
484
00:26:19,710 --> 00:26:22,479
And cry-manthesums.
485
00:26:22,513 --> 00:26:24,215
Then...
486
00:26:24,248 --> 00:26:26,183
Arrange them...
487
00:26:26,217 --> 00:26:27,685
Nicely...
488
00:26:27,718 --> 00:26:29,320
In a vase!
489
00:26:29,353 --> 00:26:31,288
Oh, get in!
490
00:26:31,322 --> 00:26:32,756
Get in!
491
00:26:32,790 --> 00:26:35,926
Get in! oh...!
492
00:26:38,262 --> 00:26:40,598
Shh!
493
00:26:44,668 --> 00:26:45,769
Morning.
494
00:26:45,803 --> 00:26:47,505
Morning!
495
00:26:47,538 --> 00:26:49,139
What you got, then?
496
00:26:49,173 --> 00:26:51,575
Well, there's egg and bacon.
497
00:26:51,609 --> 00:26:53,577
Uh, egg, sausage and bacon.
498
00:26:53,611 --> 00:26:54,945
Egg and spam.
499
00:26:54,979 --> 00:26:56,814
Egg, bacon and spam.
500
00:26:56,847 --> 00:26:59,783
Egg, bacon, sausage
and spam.
501
00:26:59,817 --> 00:27:01,886
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam.
502
00:27:01,919 --> 00:27:04,522
Spam, egg, spam, spam,
bacon and spam.
503
00:27:04,555 --> 00:27:05,990
Spam, spam
504
00:27:06,023 --> 00:27:07,825
Spam, egg and spam.
505
00:27:07,858 --> 00:27:11,462
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, baked beans
506
00:27:11,495 --> 00:27:13,130
Spam, spam, spam
and spam.
507
00:27:13,163 --> 00:27:16,233
Or lobster thermidor
aux crevettes with mornay sauce
508
00:27:16,267 --> 00:27:19,670
Garnished with truffle pate,
brandy, and a fried egg on top
509
00:27:19,703 --> 00:27:20,838
And spam.
510
00:27:20,871 --> 00:27:23,541
Have you got anything
without spam in it?
511
00:27:23,574 --> 00:27:25,743
Well, spam, egg, sausage
and spam.
512
00:27:25,776 --> 00:27:27,678
It's not got much spam in it.
513
00:27:27,711 --> 00:27:29,013
I don't want any spam!
514
00:27:29,046 --> 00:27:31,715
Why can't she have
egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
515
00:27:31,749 --> 00:27:33,017
That's got spam in it!
516
00:27:33,050 --> 00:27:35,519
Not as much as spam,
egg, sausage and spam.
517
00:27:35,553 --> 00:27:39,290
Look, could I have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
518
00:27:39,323 --> 00:27:40,491
Without the spam?
519
00:27:40,524 --> 00:27:41,392
Ugh!
520
00:27:41,425 --> 00:27:42,960
What do you mean "ugh"?
521
00:27:42,993 --> 00:27:44,428
I don't like spam!
522
00:27:44,461 --> 00:27:47,631
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
523
00:27:47,665 --> 00:27:49,200
Lovely spam!
524
00:27:49,233 --> 00:27:50,868
Wonderful spam!
525
00:27:50,901 --> 00:27:52,469
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
526
00:27:52,503 --> 00:27:54,471
Shut up! shut up!
527
00:27:54,505 --> 00:27:57,241
Shut up! shut up!
lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
528
00:27:57,274 --> 00:27:59,643
You can't have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
529
00:27:59,677 --> 00:28:00,744
Without the spam.
530
00:28:00,778 --> 00:28:02,046
Why not?!
531
00:28:02,079 --> 00:28:04,515
Well, it wouldn't be egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
532
00:28:04,548 --> 00:28:05,516
Would it?
533
00:28:05,549 --> 00:28:06,917
I don't like spam!!!
534
00:28:06,951 --> 00:28:09,620
Oh, don't make a fuss, dear.
I'll have your spam.
535
00:28:09,653 --> 00:28:11,856
I love it! I'm having
spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
536
00:28:11,889 --> 00:28:13,557
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam...
537
00:28:13,591 --> 00:28:14,959
....spam, baked beans,
spam, spam and spam!
538
00:28:14,992 --> 00:28:15,993
Baked beans are off.
539
00:28:16,026 --> 00:28:17,795
Well, can I have
spam instead?
540
00:28:17,828 --> 00:28:19,430
You mean spam, spam,
spam, spam...
541
00:28:19,463 --> 00:28:21,699
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
542
00:28:21,732 --> 00:28:23,501
Wonderful spam!
yes!
543
00:28:23,534 --> 00:28:24,735
Ugh!
544
00:28:24,768 --> 00:28:25,936
Lovely spam!
545
00:28:25,970 --> 00:28:28,239
Shut up! shut up!
546
00:28:28,272 --> 00:28:30,574
"oh, great boobies, honey bun.
547
00:28:30,608 --> 00:28:33,110
"my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon...
548
00:28:33,143 --> 00:28:37,047
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
"spam, spam...
549
00:28:37,081 --> 00:28:38,182
Shut up!
550
00:28:38,215 --> 00:28:39,550
"my nipples explode..."
551
00:28:39,583 --> 00:28:41,719
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
552
00:28:41,752 --> 00:28:43,687
Another great viking victory
553
00:28:43,721 --> 00:28:45,956
Was at the green midget cafe
in bromley.
554
00:28:45,990 --> 00:28:48,392
Once again, the viking strategy
was the same.
555
00:28:48,425 --> 00:28:50,027
They sailed
from these fjords here
556
00:28:50,060 --> 00:28:51,262
Assembled at trondheim
557
00:28:51,295 --> 00:28:53,063
And waited for the strong
northeasterly winds
558
00:28:53,097 --> 00:28:54,698
To blow their oaken galleys
to england
559
00:28:54,732 --> 00:28:56,500
Whence they sailed
on may the 23rd.
560
00:28:56,534 --> 00:28:59,537
Once in bromley, they assembled
in the green midget cafe
561
00:28:59,570 --> 00:29:01,739
And spam selecting a spam
particular spam item
562
00:29:01,772 --> 00:29:03,140
From the spam menu would...
563
00:29:03,174 --> 00:29:07,411
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
564
00:29:07,444 --> 00:29:10,514
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
565
00:29:10,548 --> 00:29:14,318
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
566
00:29:14,351 --> 00:29:17,021
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam...!
567
00:29:17,054 --> 00:29:19,690
Shut up!
568
00:29:33,470 --> 00:29:37,308
Haagbard etheldronga
and his viking hordes
569
00:29:37,341 --> 00:29:40,044
Are currently appearing
in grin and pillage it
570
00:29:40,077 --> 00:29:42,012
At the jodrell theatre,
colwyn bay.
571
00:29:42,046 --> 00:29:44,582
The dirty hungarian phrase book
is available
572
00:29:44,615 --> 00:29:46,350
From her majesty's
stationery office.
573
00:29:46,383 --> 00:29:50,454
Price-- a kiss on the bum.
574
00:29:51,454 --> 00:30:01,454
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