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Come on.

And now for something completely different...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Thank you very much for the change

Mr. tobacconist.

Was that all right?

Shh! shh!

Uh... hah...

I will not buy this record.

It is scratched.

Sorry?

I will not buy this record.

It is scratched.

No, no, no.

This... tobacconist's.

Ah!

I will not buy this tobacconist's.

It is scratched.

No, no, no, no.

Tobacco. um... cigarettes.

Yah. yeah?

Yah. cigarettes. yah.

Uh... uh... yah.

My hovercraft is full of eels.

My hovercraft...

Is full of eels.

Matches. matches.

Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah.

Do you want...

Do you want...

To come back to my place...

Bouncy bouncy?

I don't think you're using that right.

You great poof.

Um... that'll be six and six, please.

If I said you had a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me?

I-i am no longer infected.

Um... may i? may i?

Yah, yah, yah.

It costs six and six...

Costs six and... ah!

Here we are. um...

Yandelvayasna grldenwi

Stravenka.

What's going on here, then?

Ah! you have beautiful thighs.

What?

He hit me.

Drop your panties, sir william.

I cannot wait till lunchtime.

Right!

My nipples

Explode with delight.

Call alexander yahlt.

Call alexander yahlt

Call alexander yahlt

Call alexander yahlt.

Oh, shut up!

You are alexander yahlt?

Oh, I am.

Skip the impersonations.

You are alexander yahlt?

I am.

You are hereby charged

That on the 28th day of may, 1970

You did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought

Publish an alleged english/hungarian phrase book

With intent

To cause a breach of the peace.

How do you plead?

Not guilty.

You live at 46 horton terrace?

I do live at 46 horton terrace.

You are the director of a publishing company?

I am the director of a publishing company.

Your company publishes phrase books?

My company does publish phrase books.

You did say 46 horton terrace, did you?

Yes.

Hah! got him!

Get on with it.

Get on with it.

Yes, m'lord.

On the 28th day of may

You published this phrase book.

I did.

I quote an example.

The hungarian phrase meaning

"can you direct me to the station"

Is translated by the english phrase

"please fondle my bum."

I wish to plead incompetence.

Please, may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?

Adjournment? certainly not.

Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment?

I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.

If there's any more stock film of women applauding

I shall clear the court.

Call abigail tesler.

M'lord, this is abigail tesler.

Is it?

Yes, m'lord.

23-year-old abigail hails from down under

Where they're upside down about her.

Those aussies certainly know a thing or two

When it comes to beach belles.

Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life.

So watch out for the sharks, abigail.

Journalist "is this strictly relevant?"

Quizzed learned lovely, justice maltravers.

78-year-old justice hails from esher

And he's been making a big name for himself

At the recent assizes at exeter.

"all will be revealed soon, m'lord"

Quipped tall, 42-year-old nelson bedowes, cutie q.c.

Nelson's keen on negligence

And grievous bodily harm at gray's inn.

And with cases like he's won

We bet gray's in when nelson's around.

"well, get on with it"

Admitted 78-year-old genial jurisprude maltravers

Seen here at london airport on his way to judge for britain

At the famous international court at the hague.

Get off!

Good evening.

Tonight is indeed a unique occasion

In the history of television.

We are very privileged and deeply honored

To have with us in the studio karl marx

Founder of modern socialism

And author of the communist manifesto.

Vladimir ilich ulyanov

Better known to the world as lenin

Leader of the russian revolution, writer, statesman

And father of modern communism.

Che guevara

The cuban guerrilla leader

And mao tse tung

Leader of the chinese communist party since 1949.

And the first question is for you, karl marx.

"the hammers."

"'the hammers' is the nickname of what english football team?"

The hammers?

No? well, bad luck there, karl.

So we go on to you, che.

Che guevara.

"coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?"

No?

I'll throw it open.

"coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?"

No? well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that.

It was in fact a trick question.

Coventry city have never won the f.a. cup.

So, with the scores all equal now

We go on to our second round

And, lenin, it's your starter for ten.

"teddy johnson and pearl carr

"won the eurovision song contest in 1959.

What was the name of the song?"

Teddy johnson and pearl carr's song

In the 1959 song contest?

Anybody? no?

Yes, mao tse-tung.

"sing little birdie"?

Yes, it was indeed.

Well challenged.

Well, now we come on to our special gift section.

The contestant is karl marx

And the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite.

Now, karl has elected to answer questions

On the workers' control of factories

So here we go with question number one.

You nervous?

"the development of the industrial proletariat

Is conditioned by what other development?"

The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.

Yes. yes. yes, indeed.

You're on your way to your lounge suite, karl.

Question number two:

"the struggle of class against class

Is a what struggle?"

"a what struggle?"

A political struggle.

Yes. yes.

One final question, karl

And the beautiful lounge suite will be yours.

You going to have a go?

You're a brave man.

Karl marx, your final question:

"who won the cup final in 1949?"

Uh... the workers control the means of production.

The struggle of the urban proletariat.

No. it was in fact wolverhampton wanderers

Who beat leicester 3-1.

Ah. thank you.

Just the word I was looking for.

"I wonder," said la farge

"just how much molineux."

Hey!

That's the bad jokes.

And now a bit of fun.

Jenkins?

Yes, sarge?

What you gonna do when you get back to blighty?

I don't know, sarge.

I 'spect I'll be looking after me mum.

She'll be getting on a bit now.

Got family of your own, have you?

No, she's...

She's all I got left now.

My wife doreen, she...

I got a letter.

You don't have to tell me, son.

No, sarge, I'd like to tell you.

See... this place...

Hold it!

Hold it!

Look, loves, can anyone not involved in this scene

Please leave the set?

Now, come on. please.

Anyone not concerned in this scene.

The canteen's open upstairs.

Now, come on, please.

Sorry, loves, sorry.

We'll have to take it again from the top, all right?

Okay.

Cue!

Hold it!

Hold it!

Now, who changed the caption?

Can whoever changed the caption

Put the right one back immediately, please?

Right. all right, we'll take it again from the top. cue.

Hold it!

Hold it!

Come on, come on, out of there!

You're not in this.

You're just holding the whole thing up.

Come on, please.

It's no good, loves, it's no good.

We'll have to leave it for now.

Come back when everyone's settled down a bit.

So that means we go over to the art room, all right?

So, cue camera three.

Sorry! camera four.

Aren't they marvelous?

Yes, yes.

The strength and boldness...

Life and power in those colors.

This must be titian's masterpiece.

Oh, indeed, if only for the composition alone.

The strength of those foreground figures

The firmness of the line.

Yes, the confidence of a master at the height of his powers.

Yes?

Hello, sonny. your dad in?

Yes.

Could I speak to him, please?

It's the man from "the hay-wain."

Who?

The man from "the hay-wain" by constable.

Dad! it's the man from "the hay-wain"

By constable to see you.

Coming.

Hello.

How are you? come on in.

Oh, no, no. can't stop.

Just passing by, actually.

Oh. where are you now?

Well may you ask.

We've just been moved in next to a roomful of bruegels.

Terrible bloody din-- skating all hours of the night.

Anyway, I've just dropped in to tell you

There's been a walkout in the impressionists.

Walkout, eh?

Yeah. it started with the dejeuner sur l'herbe lot.

Evidently, they were moved away

From above the radiator or something.

Anyway, the impressionists are all out.

Gainsborough's blue boy's brought out the 18th-century english portraits

The flemish school's solid, and the german woodcuts are at a meeting now.

Right. well, I'll get the renaissance school out.

Okay. meeting 4:30-- "bridge at arles."

Okay. cheerio. good luck, son.

Good luck.

Right. everybody out!

I'm off.

I'm off.

I'm off.

I'm off.

I'm off, dear.

I'm off.

I'm off, too.

I'm off.

Here is the news.

By an almost unanimous vote

paintings in the national gallery

voted to continue the strike

that has emptied frames for the last week.

The man from constable's "the hay-wain"

said last night that there was no chance

of a return to the pictures before the weekend.

Sir kenneth clarke has said he will talk to any painting

if it can help bring a speedy end to the strike.

At sotheby's, prices dropped dramatically

as leading figures left their paintings.

What am I bid for vermeer's

"lady who used to be at a window"?

Do I hear two bob?

Two bob!

Gone.

Now what am I bid for another great bargain--

Edwin landseer's "nothing at bay"?

All we bloody want

Is a little bit of bloody consultation.

At a mass meeting at brentford football ground

Other works of art voted to come out

In support of the paintings.

The vote was unanimous...

With one abstention.

Meanwhile at television centre

work began again on a sketch about ypres.

A spokesman for the sketch said he fully expected it

to be more sensible this time.

Jenkins?

Yes, sarge?

What you gonna do

When you get back to blighty?

I don't know, sarge.

I 'spect I'll look after me mum.

She'll be getting on a bit now.

Got a family of your own, have you?

No. she-she's all I got left now.

My wife doreen, she...

I got a letter.

You don't have to tell me, son.

No, sarge, I'd like to tell you.

You see, this bloke from up the street...

Okay, chaps.

At ease.

I've just been up the line.

Can we get through, sir?

No. I'm afraid we'll have to make

A break for it at nightfall.

Right, sir.

We're all with you.

Yes, I know.

That's just the problem, sergeant.

How many are there of us?

Well, sir, there's you, me, jenkins

Padre, kipper-- there's five, sir.

And only rations for...

Four, sir.

Precisely.

I'm afraid one of us

Will have to take the other way out.

I'm a goner, major.

Leave me.

I'm... I'm not a complete man anymore.

You've lost both your arms as well.

Yes.

Damn silly, really.

No, no, we'll draw for it.

That's the way we do things in the army.

Sergeant, the straws.

Righto.

All right.

Now, the man who gets the shortest straw

Knows what to do.

Looks like

You, sir.

Is it? oh, what did we say--

"the longest straw," was it?

No. shortest, sir.

Well, we better do it again.

There's obviously been a bit of a muddle.

There we go.

Best of three?

Right.

Well, I got the shortest straw, so...

I decide what means we use to decide who's going to do...

To-to-to, uh, to, uh, to do the thing...

To do the right thing.

Now, rank doesn't enter into this.

But obviously, if I should get through the lines

I'll be in a very good position to recommend anyone very highly

For a posthumous v.c.

No? good, fine.

Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Right.

Dip, dip, dip, my little ship

Sails on the ocean, you are...

No, no, wait a minute.

Um... i-i-i must have missed out a dip.

We'll start again.

Dip, dip, dip, dip, my little ship

Sails on the ocean, you are...

No, this is not working out.

It-it's not working out.

Uh, what-what shall we do?

How about one potato, two potato, sir?

Don't be childish, jenkins.

No, um, I think- I think fisties

Would be best.

Okay? so, uh, hands behind backs.

After "three," okay?

One, two, three!

Now, what's this?

Uh, stone, stone, stone and scissors.

Now, uh, scissors cut everything, don't they?

Not stones, sir.

They're very good scissors.

And padre hasn't been!

No arms, sir.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I-i-i-i'm afraid I didn't, um...

Tell you what-- all those people

Who don't want to stay here

And shoot themselves. raise their arms.

Stop it! stop it!

Stop this... this hideous facade.

E... easy, padre.

No, no, I must speak.

When i... when I came

To this war, I had two arms-- two good arms

But when the time came to... to lose one, i...

I gave it-- I gave it gladly.

I smiled as they cut it off

Because I knew there was a future for mankind. i...

I knew there was hope

So long as men were prepared to give their limbs!

And when the time came for me to give my other arm, i...

I gave it gladly, i...

I sang as they sawed it off, because I believed--

Oh, you may laugh!--

But I believed with every fiber of my body

With every drop of rain that falls

A... a flower grows.

And that flower--

That small, agile, delicate flower--

Shall burst forth

To give a new life

A new strength!

...there is freedom-- freedom from fear

Freedom from oppression and freedom from tyranny.

A world where men and women of all races and creeds

Can live together in communion.

And then in the twilight of this life

Our children and our children's children...

Our patients here

Are suffering from severe overacting.

Argh! jim, lad!

Argh! jim, lad!

When they're brought in, they're all really over the top.

It's our job to try and treat the condition of overacting.

Rather serious.

This is the richard iii ward.

A horse. a horse.

My kingdom for a horse.

Most of these cases are pretty unpleasant.

A horse!

Nurse?

A horse!

My kingdom for...

But the treatment does work with some people.

This chap came to us

Straight from the chichester festival.

We operated just in time, and now he's almost normal.

A horse, a horse.

My kingdom for a horse.

Argh! argh! argh! argh!

Argh! argh! argh! argh!

But, uh, in here, we have some very nasty

Cases, indeed.

To be or not to be.

That is the question.

To be... to be...

Oh. oh.

Good evening.

First, take a bunch of flowers:

Pretty begonias, irises, freesias

And cry-manthesums.

Then...

Arrange them...

Nicely...

In a vase!

Oh, get in!

Get in!

Get in! oh...!

Shh!

Morning.

Morning!

What you got, then?

Well, there's egg and bacon.

Uh, egg, sausage and bacon.

Egg and spam.

Egg, bacon and spam.

Egg, bacon, sausage and spam.

Spam, bacon, sausage and spam.

Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam.

Spam, spam

Spam, egg and spam.

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans

Spam, spam, spam and spam.

Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with mornay sauce

Garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top

And spam.

Have you got anything without spam in it?

Well, spam, egg, sausage and spam.

It's not got much spam in it.

I don't want any spam!

Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?

That's got spam in it!

Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.

Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage

Without the spam?

Ugh!

What do you mean "ugh"?

I don't like spam!

Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam

Lovely spam!

Wonderful spam!

Lovely spam! wonderful spam!

Shut up! shut up!

Shut up! shut up! lovely spam! wonderful spam!

You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage

Without the spam.

Why not?!

Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage

Would it?

I don't like spam!!!

Oh, don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam.

I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...

Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam...

....spam, baked beans, spam, spam and spam!

Baked beans are off.

Well, can I have spam instead?

You mean spam, spam, spam, spam...

Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam

Wonderful spam! yes!

Ugh!

Lovely spam!

Shut up! shut up!

"oh, great boobies, honey bun.

"my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon...

Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam "spam, spam...

Shut up!

"my nipples explode..."

Lovely spam! wonderful spam!

Another great viking victory

Was at the green midget cafe in bromley.

Once again, the viking strategy was the same.

They sailed from these fjords here

Assembled at trondheim

And waited for the strong northeasterly winds

To blow their oaken galleys to england

Whence they sailed on may the 23rd.

Once in bromley, they assembled in the green midget cafe

And spam selecting a spam particular spam item

From the spam menu would...

Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam

Lovely spam! wonderful spam!

Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam

Lovely spam! wonderful spam...!

Shut up!

Haagbard etheldronga and his viking hordes

Are currently appearing in grin and pillage it

At the jodrell theatre, colwyn bay.

The dirty hungarian phrase book is available

From her majesty's stationery office.

Price-- a kiss on the bum.

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