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Come in.

Ah, frog.

S. frog.

Shut up.

I want to have a word with you, frog.

S. frog, sir. shut up.

It's about your advertising campaign

For conquistador coffee.

Now, I've had the managing director

Of conquistador to see me this morning

And he's very unhappy with your campaign.

Very unhappy.

In fact, he shot himself.

Badly, sir?

No. extremely well.

Well, before he went

He left a note with the company secretary.

The effect of which was how disappointed he was

With your work and in particular

Why you would change the name

"conquistador instant coffee" to "conquistador instant leprosy."

Why, frog?

S. frog, sir.

Shut up.

Why did you do it?

It was a joke.

A joke?

No. no, not a joke.

A sales campaign.

I see, frog.

S. frog, sir.

Shut up.

Now, let's have a look at the sales chart.

When you took over this account, frog

Conquistador was brand leader.

Here you introduced your first campaign--

"conquistador coffee brings a new meaning

To the word 'vomit'."

Here you made your special introductory offer

Of a free dead dog with every jar.

And this followed your second campaign

"the tingling fresh coffee

"which brings you exciting new cholera, mange, sapportia

"dropsy, the clap, hard pad, and athlete's head

From the house of conquistador."

It was a soft sell, sir.

Why, frog?

S. frog, sir.

Shut up.

Well?

Well, people know the name, sir.

They certainly do know the name.

They burned the factory down.

The owner is hiding in my bathroom.

The owner was hiding in my bathroom.

You're not going to fire me, sir?

Fire you?

Three men dead, the factory burned down

The account lost

And our firm completely bankrupt.

What can you possibly say?

What excuse can you possibly make!

Sorry, father.

Ah, yes.

Oh, incidentally, your film's won a prize.

Sorry about that.

And now for something completely

Diff completely...

Diff completely...

Diff completely...

Diff completely different.

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

1929. stanley baldwin's conservative government

Is defeated

And ramsay macdonald becomes

For the second time

Prime minister of england.

Whew. my, it's hot in here.

Hello? come in.

Ah, hello, hello.

How much do you want

For the briefcase?

Well, i...

All right, then

The briefcase and the umbrella

A fiver down, must be my final offer.

I don't really want to sell them.

I've come for a job.

Oh, take a seat. take a seat.

Thank you.

I see you chose the canvas chair

With the aluminum frame.

I'll throw that in.

That and the fiver for the briefcase and the umbrella.

No, make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella

And the two pens in your breast pocket

And the chair's yours and a fiver

And a pair of ex-german u-boat commander's binoculars.

Really, they're not for sale.

Not for sale?

What does that mean?

I came about the advertisement

For the job of assistant editor.

Oh, yeah. yeah, right.

Oh, okay.

Uh, how much experience in journalism?

Five years.

Right. typing speed?

50.

"o" levels?

Eight.

"a" levels?

Two.

Right.

Well, I'll give you the job...

And the chair and an all-wool, ex-army sleeping bag

For the briefcase, the umbrella

The pens in your breast pocket

And your string vest.

When do I start?

Monday. marvelous.

If you throw in the shoes as well.

Hello, miss johnson

Could we have two coffee and biscuits, please?

One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats

and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.

Two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock

And a table lamp for two coffees and biscuits.

Two greatcoats and two table lamps.

Two greatcoats, one table lamp, and a desert boot.

For two coffee and biscuits?

Done.

Done.

So, miss johnson returned to her typing

And dreamed her little dreamy dreams

Unaware as she was of the cruel trick

Fate had in store for her.

For miss johnson was about to fall victim

Of the dreaded, international chinese communist conspiracy.

Yes, these fanatical fiends--

Under the leadership of the so-called mao tse-tung--

Had caught miss johnson off guard

For one brief, but fatal moment...

And destroyed her.

Just as they are ready to do any time free men anywhere

Waver in their defense of democracy.

Yes, once again, american defense proves its effectiveness

Against international communism.

Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country

We can see how international communism works

By eroding away from the inside.

When one country or tooth falls victim

To international communism, its neighbors soon follow.

In dentistry, this is known as the "domino theory. "

But with american defense

The decay is stopped before it starts.

And that's why nine out of ten

Small countries choose american defense.

Or crelm toothpaste

With the miracle ingredient, fraudulin.

The white car represents crelm toothpaste

With the miracle ingredient.

The not-white car represents

Another toothpaste.

Both toothpastes provide 30% protection.

At 60% protection

Both toothpastes are doing well.

And now, at 90% protection, the... wait!

The not-white car is out.

And crelm toothpaste

Goes on to win with 100% protection.

Yes, do like all smart motorists.

Choose crelm toothpaste or shrill petrol

With the new additive, glc-9424075.

After 6:00 p.m., 9424047.

Using this white card to represent engine deposits

And this black card

To represent shrill's new additive

Glc-9424075--

After 6:00 p.m., 9424077--

We can see how the engine deposits

Are pushed off the face of the earth

By the superior forces available to shrill...

Anyway, john, you can catch the 11:30 from hornchurch

And be at basingstoke by 1:00.

Oh, and there's a buffet car and... oh.

Daddy.

My hat! sir horace.

Has he been...?

Yes, after breakfast.

But that doesn't matter now.

He's dead.

Oh. poor daddy.

Looks like I shan't be catching the 11:30 now.

Oh, no, john

You mustn't miss your train.

How could I think of catching a train

When I should be here helping you?

Oh, john, thank you.

Anyway, you could always catch the 9:30 tomorrow.

It goes via caterham and chipstead.

Or the 9:45's even better.

Oh, but you'd have to change at lambs green.

Yes, but there's only a seven-minute wait now.

Oh, yes, of course. I'd forgotten it was friday.

Oh, who could have done this?

Oh, do hurry, sir horace.

Your train leaves in 28 minutes

And if you don't miss the 10:15, you won't catch the 3:45

Which means the... oh.

I'm afraid sir horace won't

Be catching the 10:15, lady partridge.

Has he been...?

Yes, after breakfast.

Lady partridge

I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.

Oh, and it was back to the engine, fourth coach along

So that he could see

The gradient signs outside swanborough.

Not any more, lady partridge.

The line's been closed.

Closed? not swanborough.

I'm afraid so.

All right, nobody move.

I'm inspector davis of scotland yard.

My word, you were here quickly, inspector.

Yeah, I got the 8:55 pullman express from king's cross

And missed that bit around hornchurch.

It's a very good train.

It's a very good train.

Oh, it's an excellent train.

Hello, everyone.

Tony!

Where is daddy?

Oh, golly.

Has he been...?

Yes, after breakfast.

Then, he... won't be needing

His reservation on the 10:15.

Exactly.

And I suppose as his eldest son

It must go to me.

Just a minute, tony.

There's a small matter of-- murder. oh!

Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.

How could anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun

Without first canceling his reservation?

Ha, ha. well, I must dash or I'll be late for the 10:15.

I suggest you murdered your father

For his seat reservation.

I may have had the motive, inspector

But I could not have done it

For I've only just arrived from gillingham on the 8:13

And here is my restaurant car ticket to prove it.

But the 8:13 from gillingham

Doesn't have a restaurant car.

It's a standing buffet only.

Oh, ah... did i say the 8:13?

I meant the 7:58 stopping train.

But the 7:58 stopping train arrived at swindon at 8:19

Owing to annual point maintenance

At wisborough junction.

So how did you make the connection

With the 8:13, which left six minutes earlier?

Oh, ah, simple. I caught the 7:16 football special

Arriving at swindon at 8:09.

But the 7:16 football special

Only stops at swindon on alternate saturdays.

Yes, surely you mean the holidaymaker special.

Oh, yes! how daft of me.

Of course, I came on the holidaymaker special

Calling at bedford, colmworth, fen ditton, sutton

Wallington and gillingham.

That's sundays only.

Damn.

All right, I confess. I did it.

I killed him for his reservation

But you won't take me alive.

I'm going to throw myself under the 10:12 from reading.

Don't be a fool, tony! don't do it!

The 10:12 has the new narrow traction bogies.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

Exactly.

That was an excerpt from the latest west end hit

It all happened on the 11:20 from hainault to redhill

Via horsham and reigate, calling at carshalton beeches

Malmesbury, tooting bec and croydon west.

The author is mr. neville shunt.

Chuff, chuff, chuff, woooooch, woooooch!

Diddledum, diddledum, diddledum. toot! toot!

The train is now standing

At platform eight, tch, tch, tch.

Diddledum, diddledum, chuffff chuffffffff...

Eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa vooooommmmm!

Some people have made the mistake

Of seeing shunt's work as a load of rubbish

About railway timetables

But clever people like me

Who talk loudly in restaurants

See this as a deliberate ambiguity

A plea for understanding in a mechanized world.

The points are frozen, the beast is dead.

What is the difference?

What, indeed, is the point?

The point is frozen.

The beast is late out of paddington.

The point is taken.

If la fontaine's elk would spurn tom jones

The engine must be our head, the dining car our esophagus

The guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins

The first-class compartment

The piece of skin at the nape of the neck

And the level crossing an electric elk called simon.

The clarity is devastating, but where is the ambiguity?

It's over there in a box.

Shunt is saying the 8:15 from gillingham

When in reality, he means the 8:13 from gillingham.

The train is the same, only the time is altered.

Ecce homo, ergo elk.

La fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well.

The point is taken. the beast is molting.

The fluff gets up your nose.

The illusion is complete.

It is reality, the reality is illusion

And the ambiguity is the only truth

But is the truth, as hitchcock observes, in the box?

No, there isn't room-- the ambiguity has put on weight.

The point is taken, the elk is dead.

The beast stops at swindon, chabrol stops at nothing

I'm having treatment, and la fontaine can get knotted.

Gavin millar...

Rrrrrrrrrrr.

...was not talking to neville shunt.

From the world of the theater

We turn to the world of dental hygiene.

No, no, no, no.

From the world of the theater we turn to the silver screen.

We honor one of the silver screen's

Outstanding writer-dentists, uh, writer-directors

Martin curry, who is visiting london

To have a tooth out, for the pre-molar, uh, premiere

Of his filling, film, next toothday, tuesday

At the dental theatre, film theatre.

Martin curry, talking to matthew palate, padget.

Martin curry, welcome.

One of the big teeth, uh, big points

That the american critics made

About your latest film, the twelve caesars

Was that it was on so all-embracing a topic.

What made you undertake so enormous a tusk?

Task?

I've always been interested in imperial rome

Right from julius caesar

Right through to vethpathian.

Who?

Vethpathian.

Oh. vespasian.

Yes, yes.

Well, when I saw your film

It did seem to me that you had taken

A rather, um, subjective approach to it.

I'm sorry?

Well, I mean all your main characters

Had these enormous, well, not enormous, but, uh...

These, um, very big, um...

Well, let's have a look at a clip

In which julius incisor, caesar

Talks to his generals during the battle against caractatus.

I don't see that at all.

Shall I order the cavalry

That they may hide themselves in the wood, o caesar?

Thus, o caesar! thus, o caesar!

Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.

Well, martin curry, why do all your characters

Have these very big, um...

Very big, uh... teeth?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, uh... even

In your biblical epic, the son of man

John the baptist had the most enormous... dental appendages

And of course, um... himself had the most monumental ivories.

Well, I'm afraid i don't see that at all.

Um. well, while we're waiting...

Look, could i have a straw?

Oh, a straw. yes, yes.

Well, while we're doing that, uh...

Perhaps we could have a look

At an earlier film, trafalgar.

Cover my coat, mr. bush.

The men must not know of this till victory is ours.

The surgeon's coming, sir.

No, tell the surgeon

To attend the men that can be saved.

He can do little for me, I fear.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hardy...!

Hardy!

Sir?

Hardy... kiss...

Er, put your hand on my thigh.

Huh. well, martin curry, thank you.

Uh... well, we asked the first-night audience

What they thought of that film.

It wasn't true to life.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

I thought it was totally bizarre.

Well, I've been in the city for over 40 years

And I think the importance of looking after poor people

Cannot be understressed.

Well, I've been in the city for 20 years

And I must admit, I'm lost.

Well, I've been in the city all my life

and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.

Well, I've been in the city since I was two

And certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut...

Stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut.

Stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut.

Oh, dear

Mr. bulstrode's stuck again.

Stuck in a rut.

I certainly wouldn't say

That I was stuck in a rut.

Well, I have been in the city for 30 years

And I never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold-hearted

Avaricious, money-grubber... conservative.

Well, I've been in the city about 27 years

And I'd like to see the reintroduction of flogging.

Every thursday, round at my place.

Well, I've been in the sea for 33 years

And I've never regretted it.

Neither have i.

Neither have i.

Yes, quite so.

I think it must be a naturalist outing.

No, I think it must be

One of them crackpot religions.

This is an example of the sort of abuse

We get all the time from ignorant people.

I inherited this religion from my father

An ex-used car salesman and part-time window box

And I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion

With free gifts.

You get this luxury tea trolley with every new enrollment.

In addition to this, you can win

A three-piece lounge suite

This luxury caravan

A weekend for two with peter bonetti

And tonight's star prize:

The entire norwich city council.

And remember, with only eight scoring draws

You can win a bishopric in a see of your own choice.

You see, we have a much more modern approach to religion.

Blessed is arthur crackpot and all its subsidiaries, limited.

You see, in our church, we have a lot more fun.

Oh, mrs. collins

You did say you were nervous, didn't you?

You have eyes on the coffee machine?

I don't mind, I don't mind.

It's just nice to be here, reverend.

Archdeacon.

Well, you have eyes for the coffee machine

So let's see what you've won.

You chose hymn 437.

Oh, mrs. collins.

You had eyes on the coffee machine.

Well, you have won tonight's star prize:

The entire norwich city council!

I've got one already.

A lot of religions-- no names, no pack drill--

Do go for the poorer type of person.

Face it : there's more of them-- poor people, thieves, villains

Poor people without no money at all.

Well, we don't have none of that tat.

Rich people and crumpet over 16 can enter free

Upper middle class: quite welcome

Lower middle class: not under five grand a year

Lower class: I can't touch it.

There's no return on it, you see.

Do you have any difficulty converting people?

Uh, no. well, we have ways of making them join.

Norman, there, does a lot of converting

A lot of protection, that sort of thing.

And there's his mate, bruce beer.

Brucy has personally converted 92 people

25 inside the distance.

Then again, we're not afraid to use more modern methods.

Sarah, today's diocesan lovely

Is enough to make any chap go down on his knees.

This 23-year-old bishop hails, appropriately enough

From bishop's stortford

And lists her hobbies as swimming, riding

And film producers.

What a gas!

Bet she's no novice

When it comes to converting all in her see.

Basically...

I believe... in peace

And bashing two bricks together.

I'm starting a war for peace.

Cor blimey!

I'm raising polecats for peace.

Peace? I like a peace.

Know what I mean? know what I mean?

Say no more. nudge, nudge.

Our religion is the first church

To cater for the naughty type of person.

If you'd like a bit of love-your-neighbor--

And who doesn't now and again--

Then see vera and ciceley during the hymns.

In our church, we try to help people to help themselves

To cars, washing machines, lead piping--

No questions asked.

We're the only church, apart from the baptists

To do re-spray jobs.

We in the church of the divine loony

Believe in the power of prayer to turn the head purple.

I would like to come in here for a moment, if I may

And disassociate our church

From these frivolous and offensive religions.

We are primarily concerned with what is best...

Hello?

Oh, well, how about allied breweries?

All right, but keep the rio tinto.

...for the human soul.

In our church, we believe, first and foremost, in you.

We want you to think of us as your friend.

In this picture, there are 40 people.

None of them can be seen.

In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen.

This is mr. e.r. bradshaw of napier court

Black lion road, se5.

He cannot be seen.

Now, I'm going to ask him to stand up.

Mr. bradshaw, will you stand up, please?

This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

In this picture, we cannot see

Mrs. b.j. smegma of 13, the crescent, belmont.

Mrs. smegma, will you stand up, please?

This is mr. nesbitt of harlow, new town.

Mr. nesbitt, would you stand up, please?

Mr. nesbitt has learnt the first lesson of not being seen--

Not to stand up.

However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

Mr. e.v. lambert of homeleigh, the burrows, oswestry

Has presented us with a poser.

We do not know which bush he is behind

But we can soon find out.

Yes, it was the middle one.

Mr. ken andrews of leighton road, slough

Has concealed himself extremely well.

He could be almost anywhere.

He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel

Beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree

Squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow

Or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes.

However, we happen to know he's in the water barrel.

Mr. and mrs. watson of ivy cottage, worplesdon road, hull

Chose a very cunning way of not being seen.

When we called at their house

We found they had gone away on two weeks' holiday.

They had not left any forwarding address

And they had bolted and barred the house

To prevent us getting in.

However, a neighbor told us where they were.

And here is the neighbor who told us where they were.

Nobody likes a clever dick.

And this is where he lived.

And this is where lord langdon lived

Who refused to speak to us...

And so did the gentleman

Who lived here...

And here...

And, of course, here

And manchester

And the west midlands

Spain...

China...

Ah. well, I'm afraid we have to stop the film there

As some of the scenes which followed

Were of a violent nature

Which might prove distressing to some of our viewers

Though not to me, I can tell you.

In nova scotia today

Mr. roy bent of north walsham in norfolk

Became the first man to cross the atlantic on a tricycle.

His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing

Was 90-foot long with a protective steel hull

Three funnels, 17 first-class cabins

And a radar scanner.

Mr. bent is in our durham studios

Which is rather unfortunate

As we're all down here in london.

And in london...

In london, I have with me mr. ludovic grayson

The man who scored all six goals in arsenal's 1-nil victory

Over the turkish champions fc botty.

Ludovic, first of all, congratulations on the victory.

Thank you, david.

It should send you back to botty

With a big lead.

Oh, yes. well, we're fairly confident, david.

Well, at the moment, ludovic

You're crouching down inside a filing cabinet.

Yes, that's right, david.

I'm trying not to be seen.

I see. is this through fear?

Oh, no, no. it's common sense, really.

If they can't see you, they can't get you.

Ha, ha, ha, but, of course, they can still hear you.

Huh?

Ludovic grayson, thank you very much

For coming on the program tonight.

And we end the show with music

And here with their very latest recording:

"yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy"

Jackie charlton and the tonettes.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy

And I feel like a-lovin' you

Love, you're such a sweet thing

Good-enough-to-eat thing

And that's just what I'm gonna do

Ooh, love, to hold ya

Ooh, love, to kiss ya

Ooh, love, I love it so...

Ooh, love, you're sweeter

Sweeter than sugar

Ooh, love, I won't let you go...

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy

And as silly as that may seem

The lovin' that you're givin' is what keeps me livin'

And your love is like peaches and cream

Kinda like sugar

Kinda like spices

Kinda like I love what you do...

Kinda sounds funny

But your love, honey

Honey, I love you...

Baa, baa-da-da-da...

Yummy, yummy, yummy...

For those of you who may have just missed

Monty python's flying circus

Here it is again.

The lovin' that you're givin' is what keeps me livin'

And love is like peaches and cream

Kinda like sugar...

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