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Brian distel and brianette zatapathique there

In an improvised scene

From jean kenneth longueur's new movie le fromage grand.

Brian and brianette symbolize the breakdown in communications

In our modern society in this exciting new film.

Longueur is saying to us, his audience

"go on, protest, do something about it

Assault the manager, demand your money back."

Later on in the film, in a brilliantly conceived montage

Longueur mercilessly exposes the violence underlying our society

When brian and brianette again meet

On yet another rubbish dump.

Pretty strong meat there from longueur

Who is saying, of course, that ultimately materialism--

In this case, the webb's wonder lettuce--

Must destroy us all.

That was for o. simon, k. simon, p. simon

And r. sparrow of leicester.

Later on, we're going to take a look

At john wayne's latest movie

Buckets of blood pouring out of people's heads

But now we look ahead.

On tuesday, chris conger took a bbc film unit

To the location where 20th century vole

Are shooting their latest epic scott of the antarctic.

Sea, sand and sunshine

Make paignton the queen of the english riviera.

Well, for the next six months, this sleepy devonshire resort

Will be transformed into the blizzard-swept wastes

Of the south pole.

For today, shooting starts on the epic scott of the antarctic

Produced by jerry schlick.

Hello.

Jerry, you chose paignton as the location for scott.

Right, right.

Isn't it a bit of a drawback

That there's no snow here?

Well, we have

28,000 cubic feet of wintrex

Which is a new white foam rubber

Which actually on screen looks

More like snow than snow

And 1,600 cubic u.s. furlongs of white paint

With a special snow finish.

And I believe kirk vilb is playing the title role.

That is correct.

We were very thrilled and honored

When kirk agreed to play the part

Of lieutenant scott

Because a star of his magnitude

Can pick and choose, but he read the title

And just flipped.

And directing, we have a very fine

Young british director, james mcrettin

Who's been collaborating

On the screenplay, of course.

Jimmy.

Oh, there you are.

Hello. hello. no problem.

Have a drink. have a drink.

Oh, great. hello. marvelous.

Marvelous. hello.

Rewrite.

Oh, this is really great.

I mean, it's really saying something, don't you think?

Have you started shooting yet?

Yes, yes.

Great. perfect.

No, no, we haven't started yet. no.

But great, great.

What is the first scene that you shoot this morning?

Great. perfect.

Oh, it's great. no problem.

We'll sort it out on the floor.

Sort it out on the floor.

No problem.

This film is basically pro-humanity

And anti-bad things

And it rips aside the hypocritical facade

Of our society's gin and tonic

And leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony.

Have a drink. have a drink.

But which scene are we shooting first, jimmy?

Yes.

Great.

Oh, marvelous.

Which scene are we shooting first?

What? it's scene one.

Scene one. scene one.

It's in the middle of the movie.

Well, it is now.

I rewrote it.

I thought we cut that.

Did we cut...?

No, we didn't.

We didn't?

Oh, great. that's even better.

I'll put it back in. uh... rewrite.

Scene one's back in, everyone.

Scene one's back in. great. great.

This is the scene outside the tent.

It's all bloody marvelous.

It makes you want to throw up.

Now, in this scene

Lieutenant scott returns to camp in the early morning

After walking the huskies

To have brunch with the rest of his team.

Oates

Played by your very own lovely terrence lemming

Who is an english cockney officer

Seconded to the u.s. navy

And bowers, played by seymour fortescue

The olympic pole-vaulter.

Hi, lieutenant.

Hi, oatesy.

Sure is a beautiful day already.

Great! great!

What... what-what are you saying?

I was just saying, "great! great!"

Cue evans.

Sand this is vanilla hoare as miss evans.

Miss evans?

Right.

Good morning, miss evans.

Oh... I've forgotten my line.

Uh, what's her line?

What's her line?

"good morning, captain scott."

Oh, yeah.

Good... morning, cap... ca...

Oh, I'm just not really very happy with that line.

Could I just say, "hi, scottie"?

Great! great! rewrite!

Cue!

Hi, scarrie.

Oh... sorry.

Hi, stocky.

Oh... I'm sorry again.

Oh, jim, I'm just not happy with this line.

Hey, can I do it all sort of... kooky, like this?

Hi, scotty!

Great! we'll shoot it!

Are you sure that's right?

Ah, it's great!

Jim...

Jim! jim!

Ji... oh, me.

Now, jim, I feel we may be running into some problems here

In the area of height.

Great, where are they?

Where are who?

I don't know.

I was getting confused.

Jim... great.

I feel here that scott may be too tall

In the area of height, with reference to vanilla

Who is too near the ground

In the area of being too short at this time.

Great.

Oh, I know! I'm going to dig a pit for scott

And put a box in vanilla's trench.

Say, why don't I take the boxes off

And vanilla get up out of the trench?

It wouldn't work.

It's even better!

Great! rewrite!

What was that?

Oh, it's easy!

I've worked it out.

Uh, scott takes his boxes off

And you don't stand in the trench.

I say my lines out of the trench?

Even better. great.

But I've never acted out of a trench.

I might fall over.

It's dangerous.

Oh, well, could you just try it?

Look, you crumb bum...

I'm a star.

Star, star, star.

I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench.

I played miss john the baptist in a trench

And I played miss napoleon bonaparte in a trench

And I played miss alexander fleming in a furrow.

So if you want this scene played out of a trench

Well, you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman! huh!

I played miss galileo in a groove...

And I played mrs. jesus christ

In a geological syncline

So don't tell me how to act.

I know how to act.

I don't have to act...

Great. uh, great, great, everyone.

Uh, lunch now. lunch.

It's all in the can.

Good morning's work.

But you haven't done a shot.

Just keeping morale up.

Now, this afternoon

We're going to shoot the scene

Where scott gets off the boat, onto the ice floe

And he sees the lion

And he fights it and he kills it

And the blood goes pssssshhh

In slow motion.

But there aren't any lions in the antarctic.

What?

There aren't any lions in the antarctic.

You're right. there are no lions in the antarctic.

That's ridiculous!

Whoever heard of a lion in the antarctic??

Right, lose the lion.

Got to keep the lion. it's great!

Lose the lion.

Great! we're losing the lion. rewrite!

Lose the lion, everyone.

That's fantastic!

What's this about, uh, losing the lion?

Uh, well, kirk, we thought perhaps we might, uh...

Lose the fight with the lion a little bit, kirk, angel.

Why?!

Oh, well, kirkie, doll

There are no lions in the antarctic, baby.

I get to fight the lion!

It'd be silly.

Listen! I got to fight the lion!

That's what that guy scott's all about.

I know-- I studied him already.

But why couldn't you fight a penguin?

Great!

Fight a rotten, little penguin?

It needn't be a little penguin.

It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen.

An electric penguin, 20 feet high

With long, green tentacles that sting people

And you can stab it in the wings

And the blood can go spurting...

Pssssshhh in slow motion.

The lion is in the contract.

He fights the lion.

Even better! great!

Have a drink.

Hey, lose the penguin.

Stand by to shoot.

Where do they have lions?

Africa.

That's it! scott's in africa.

As many lions as we need.

Great!

Scott is looking for a pole no one else knows about.

That ties in with the sand.

Right. paint the sand yellow again.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

Scott of the sahara.

Booming out of the pages of history

Comes a story of three men and one woman

Whose courage shocked a generation.

From the same team that brought you:

And:

Comes the story

Of three people and a woman, united by fate

Who set out in search of the fabled pole of the sahara

And found... themselves.

See lieutenant scott's death struggle

With a crazed desert lion.

See ensign oates' frank adult death struggle

With the spine-chilling giant electric penguin...

See miss evans

Pursued by the man-eating rolltop writing desk.

And now for something completely different.

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

And now, tired of the sounds of dancing feet?

Then listen to the sounds of dancing teeth.

Yes, brothers, it's time once again

For conrad poohs and his dancing teeth.

Excuse me, I'd like to make a correction.

Conrad is, in fact, holding a letter, not a telegram.

Thank you.

A letter. a letter.

Five pence, please.

Excuse me.

I would like to buy a fish licence, please.

The man's sign must be wrong.

I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy

Between these post office signs

And the activities carried out beneath.

But soft, let us see how dame fortune smiles

Upon my next postal adventure.

Hello. I would like to buy a fish licence, please.

A what?

A licence for my pet fish eric.

How did you know my name was eric??

Oh, no, no, no.

My fish's name is eric. eric the fish.

He's an 'alibut.

He's a what?

He is an halibut.

You've got a pet halibut?

Yes. I chose him out of thousands.

Didn't like the others.

They were all too flat.

You're a loony.

I am not a loony!

Why should I be tarred with the epithet "loony"

Merely because I have a pet halibut?

I've heard tell that sir gerald nabarro

Has a pet prawn called simon

And you wouldn't call sir gerald a loony, would you?

Furthermore

Dawn palethorpe, the lady show jumper

Had a clam called sir stafford after the late chancellor.

Alan bullock has two pikes, both called norman

And the late great marcel proust had an 'addock!

If you're calling the author of a la recherche du temps perdu

A loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

All right, all right, all right.

You want a licence?

Yes.

For a fish?

Yes.

You are a loony.

Look, it's a bleedin' pet, isn't it?

I've got a licence for me pet dog eric

And I got a licence for me pet cat eric.

You don't need a licence for a cat.

You bleedin' well do, and I've got one.

Ho-ho, you're not catching me out there.

There is no such thing as a bloody cat licence.

Yes, there is.

No, there isn't.

Is.

Isn't.

Is.

Isn't.

Uh-huh. is.

Isn't.

Is.

Isn't.

Is.

Isn't.

Is!

Isn't.

What's that, then?

That is a dog licence with the word "dog" crossed out

And the word "cat" written in in crayon.

Well, the man didn't have the proper form.

What man?

The man from the cat detector van.

"loony detective van" you mean.

It's people like you what causes unrest.

All right, what cat detector van?

The cat detector van from the ministry of housinge.

Housinge?

Yes. it was spelt that way on the van.

I'm very observant.

I've never seen so many aerials in me life.

The man told me their equipment

Could pinpoint a purr at 400 yards.

And eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.

How much did this cost?

60 quid and eight guineas for the fruit bat.

What fruit bat?

Eric the fruit bat.

Are all your pets called eric??

There's nothing so odd about that.

Kemel ataturk had an entire menagerie all called abdul.

No, he didn't.

Did, did, did, did, did, did, did, indeed.

There you are.

Kemel ataturk the man by e.w. swanton

With a forward by paul anka.

Page 91, please.

I owe you an apology, sir.

Spoken like a gentleman.

Now, are you going to give me this fish licence?

I promise you, there is no such thing.

You don't need one.

Then I would like a statement to that fact

Signed by the lord mayor.

You're in luck.

And now, there is the mayor--

Surely the third tallest mayor in derby's history.

And there are the aldermen

Magnificently resplendent in their aldermanic hose

And just look at the power in those thighs.

The new zealanders are going to find it pretty tough going

In the set pieces in the second half.

So dawn palethorpe with one clear round on sir gerald...

And now the mayor has reached

The great customer mr. eric praline.

And now the mayoral human being

Takes the mayoral pen in his mayoral hand

And watched by the lady mayoress

Who, of course, scored that magnificent try

In the first half, signs the fishy exemption.

And the great customer, mr. eric praline

Who is understandably awed

By the magnificence and even the absurdity

Of this great occasion here at cardiff arms park

Has finally gone spare

And there is the "going sparal" look on the front of his head.

And now the alderman are finishing their oranges

And leaving the post office for the start of the second half.

And here come the derby council xv

following the all blacks out onto the pitch.

There, in the center of the picture

you can see dawn palethorpe on sir gerald--

one of the fastest wingers

we must have seen in england this season.

On the left-hand side of the picture

the lord mayor has been running such wonderful possession

for derby council in the lines out.

And it's the all blacks to kick off.

Wilson to kick off.

Oh, and I can see there

the chairman of the by-ways and highways committee

who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow

he got in that loose ball in the first half.

And wilson kicks off

and it's the town clerk's taken the ball beautifully there.

The all blacks are up on it very fast, and the whistle has gone.

I'm not quite sure what happened there.

I couldn't see, but there's a scrum-down.

I think it's an all blacks' ball.

They were up on them very fast.

Obviously, they're going to try very hard in this half

to wipe out this five-point deficit.

Derby council eight points to three up

and derby council have got the ball against the head.

There is the borough surveyor, the scrum-half is out of the...

uh, the chairman of the highway and by-way committee

who's kicked for touch.

The line out-- and it's into the line out

and the mayor has got the ball again.

To the borough surveyor.

He's left out the medical officer of health.

Straight along the line to the lady mayoress

and the lady mayoress has got to go through!

Number two has missed her!

She's up to the full back!

There's only the full back to beat!

And she has scored!

The lady mayoress has scored!

It's 11 points to three.

Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result

For the all blacks.

Well, they've had very bad luck on their tour so far.

In fact, they missed four very easy kicks

Against the exeter amateur operatic society

Which must have cost them the match.

And then, of course, there was that crippling defeat

At the hands of the derry and toms soft toy department.

So, I don't think they can really be fancying their chances

Against the london pooves on saturday.

And what about china?

Well, whether mao tse tung is alive or not

Lin piao has a stranglehold on the central committee

Which lin shao chi can't break.

So it remains to be seen whether chou en lai

Can really get his finger out

And get going in the second half.

Well, thank you, cliff.

Tonight's other outstanding match

Was the semifinal between the bournemouth gynecologists

And the watford long john silver impersonators.

We bring you edited highlights of the match.

Argh.

Well, that's about it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

But remember, if you enjoyed watching the show

Just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it

Then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you.

Ha-ha-ha.

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