Original subtitles

( orchestra plays "A Pretty Girl Is Like a Melody" )

( song continues )

( audience laughter )

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

IT'S...

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends )

Announcer: HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BODY.

( fart )

NUMBER ONE:: THE FOOT.

NUMBER TWO:: THE SHOULDER.

( audience laughter )

AND NUMBER THREE:: THE OTHER FOOT.

( laughter )

NUMBER FOUR:: THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE.

NUMBER FIVE:: THE NAUGHTY BITS.

( laughter )

NUMBER SIX:: JUSTABOVE THE ELBOW.

NUMBER SEVEN::

TWO INCHES TO THE RIGHT OF A VERY NAUGHTY BIT INDEED.

( laughter )

NUMBER EIGHT:: THE KNEECAP.

Man: ONCE A JOLLY SWAGMAN CAMPED BY A BILLABONG

UNDER THE SHADE OF A COOLIBAH-TREE...

( with Australian accent ): GOODDAY, BRUCE!

OH, HELLO, BRUCE.

HOW ARE YER, BRUCE?

BIT CROOK, BRUCE.

WHERE'S BRUCE?

HE'S NOT HERE, BRUCE.

BLIMEY, S'HOT IN HERE, BRUCE.

S'HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM.

( laughter )

THAT'S A STRANGE EXPRESSION, BRUCE.

WELL, BRUCE, I HEARD THE PRIME MINISTER USE IT.

"S'HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM IN 'ERE

YOUR MAJESTY," HE SAID

AND SHE SMILED QUIETLY TO HERSELF.

SHE'S A GOOD SHEILA, BRUCE

AND NOT AT ALL STUCK-UP.

AH! HERE COMES THE BOSSFELLA NOW.

HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?

HELLO, BRUCE.

HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?

GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

A CHAP FROM POMMY LAND

WHO'LL BE JOINING US THIS YEAR

HERE IN THE PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT

OF THE UNIVERSITY OF WOOLAMALOO.

( audience laughter )

UH, MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE.

MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE.

MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE.

IS YOUR NAME NOT BRUCE, THEN?

NO, IT'S MICHAEL.

THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE

A LITTLE CONFUSION.

( laughter )

MIND IF WE CALL YOU "BRUCE"

JUST TO KEEP IT CLEAR?

WELL, GENTLEMEN

I THINK WE'D BETTER START THE MEETING.

BEFORE WE START, THOUGH

I'LL ASK THE PADRE FOR A PRAYER.

O LORD, WE BESEECH THEE, HAVE MERCY ON OUR FACULTY, AMEN.

ALL: AMEN.

CRACK THE TUBES, RIGHT!

ER, BRUCE, I NOW CALL UPON YOU

TO WELCOME MR. BALDWIN

TO THE PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT.

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME

THE POMMY BASTARD TO GOD'S OWN EARTH

AND I'D LIKE TO REMIND HIM

THAT WE DON'T LIKE

STUCK-UP STICKY-BEAKS HERE.

ALL: HEAR, HEAR!

WELL-SPOKEN, BRUCE.

NOW, BRUCE TEACHES CLASSICAL PHILOSOPHY

BRUCE TEACHES HEGELIAN PHILOSOPHY

BRUCE HERE TEACHES LOGICAL POSITIVISM

AND IS ALSO IN CHARGE OF THE SHEEP-DIP.

( laughter )

WHAT DOES NEW BRUCE TEACH?

NEW BRUCE WILL BE TEACHING POLITICAL SCIENCE--

MACHIAVELLI, BENTHAM, LOCKE, HOBBES

SUTCLIFFE, BRADMAN, LINDWALL, MILLER, HASSETT AND BENAUD.

THOSE ARE CRICKETERS, BRUCE.

OH, SPIT.

( laughter )

HOWLS OF DERISIVE LAUGHTER, BRUCE.

IN ADDITION, AS HE'S GOING TO BE TEACHING POLITICS

I'VE TOLD HIM HE'S WELCOME TO TEACH

ANY OF THE GREAT SOCIALIST THINKERS

PROVIDED HE MAKES IT CLEAR THAT THEY WERE WRONG.

ALL: AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA

WE LOVE YOU, AMEN.

( laughter )

ANY QUESTIONS?

NEW BRUCE, ARE YOU A POOFTAH?

ARE YOU A POOFTAH?

NO.

NO, RIGHT.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, I'LL JUST REMIND YOU

OF THE FACULTY RULES.

RULE ONE: NO POOFTAHS.

RULE TWO: NO MEMBER OF THE FACULTY

IS TO MALTREAT THE ABOS

IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER

IF THERE'S ANYONE WATCHING.

RULE THREE: NO POOFTAHS.

RULE FOUR: I DON'T WANT TO CATCH ANYONE

NOT DRINKING IN THEIR ROOM AFTER LIGHTS OUT.

RULE FIVE: NO POOFTAHS.

RULE SIX: THERE IS NO RULE SIX.

RULE SEVEN: NO POOFTAHS.

THAT CONCLUDES THE READING OF THE RULES.

BRUCE?

THIS HERE'S THE WATTLE--

THE EMBLEM OF OUR LAND.

YOU CAN STICK IT IN A BOTTLE

OR YOU CAN HOLD IT IN YER HAND, AMEN.

ALL: AMEN.

GENTLEMEN, AT 6:00

I WANT EVERY MAN-BRUCE OF YOU IN THE SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE ROOM

TO TAKE A GLASS OF SHERRY WITH THE FLYING PHILOSOPHER, BRUCE

AND I CALL UPON YOU, PADRE

TO CLOSE THE MEETING WITH A PRAYER.

OH, LORD, WE BESEECH THEE

ETC., ETC., ETC., AMEN.

ALL: AMEN.

RIGHT, LET'S GET SOME SHEILAS.

OKAY.

AH, ELEVENSES!

THIS SHOULD TIDE US...

THIS SHOULD TIDE US OVER 'TIL LUNCHTIME.

RECKON SO, BRUCE.

SYDNEY NOLAN!

WHAT'S THAT?

NUMBER NINE:: THE EAR.

NUMBER TEN:: THE BIG TOE.

NUMBER 11:: MORE NAUGHTY BITS.

NUMBER 12:: THE NAUGHTY BITS OFA LADY.

NUMBER 13:: THE NAUGHTY BITS OFA HORSE.

NUMBER 14:: THE NAUGHTY BITS OFAN ANT.

NUMBER 15:: THE NAUGHTY BITS OF REGINALD MAUDLING.

NUMBER 16:: THE HAND.

GOOD EVENING.

I HAVE WITH ME IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT

MR. NORMAN ST. JOHN POLEVAULTER

WHO, FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, HAS BEEN CONTRADICTING PEOPLE.

MR. POLEVAULTER, WHY DO YOU CONTRADICT PEOPLE?

I DON'T.

YOU TOLD ME YOU DID.

I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.

( laughter )

OH, I SEE.

I'LL START AGAIN.

NO, YOU WON'T.

SHH!

MR. POLEVAULTER

I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T CONTRADICT PEOPLE.

YES, I DO.

WHEN DIDN'T YOU START

CONTRADICTING PEOPLE?

WELL, I DID IN 1952.

1952?

1947.

23 YEARS AGO?

NO.

AND SO ON

AND SO ON AND SO ON.

( laughter )

AND NOW...

NUMBER 17:: THE TOP OF THE HEAD.

NUMBER 18:: THE FEATHER... RARE.

NUMBER 19:: THE NOSE.

( laughter )

( marching musicplaying )

( knock at door )

Man: COME IN.

( laughter )

AH, MR. LUXURY YACHT.

DO SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

AH, NO, NO.

MY NAME IS SPELLED "LUXURY YACHT"

BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED

"THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE."

AH, WELL, DO SIT DOWN, THEN

MR. THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE.

THANK YOU.

NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE?

UM...

( laughter )

I'D LIKE YOU TO PERFORM SOME PLASTIC SURGERY ON ME.

I SEE, AND WHICH PARTICULAR FEATURE OF YOUR ANATOMY

IS CAUSING YOU DISTRESS?

WELL, WELL, FOR A LONG TIME NOW, IN FACT

EVEN WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I... YOU KNOW, WHENEVER I LEFT HOME

TO CATCH A BUS OR TO CATCH A TRAIN...

AND EVEN MY TENNIS HAS SUFFERED, ACTUALLY...

YES, TO BE ABSOLUTELY BLUNT

YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR ENORMOUS HOOTER.

NO!

NO?

YES.

YES, AND YOU WANT ME

TO HACK A BIT OFF.

PLEASE.

FINE.

IT IS A STARTLER, ISN'T IT?

UH, DO YOU MIND IF I, UH...?

WHAT?

OH, NO, NOTHING, THEN.

WELL, I'LL JUST EXAMINE YOUR NOSE.

MR. LUXURY YACHT, THIS, UM...

THIS NOSE OF YOURS IS FALSE.

IT'S MADE OF POLYSTYRENE.

AND YOUR OWN HOOTER'S A BEAUT.

NO PRUNING NECESSARY.

I'D STILL LIKE THE OPERATION.

WELL, YOU'VE HAD THE OPERATION, YOU STRANGE PERSON.

PLEASE DO AN OPERATION.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

BUT ONLY IF YOU'LL COME ON A CAMPING HOLIDAY WITH ME.

HE ASKED ME! HE ASKED ME!

( lighthearted melody plays )

( laughter )

NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU

HOW TO PICK UP AN ARCHITECT, HOW TO PULL A PRIME MINISTER

AND HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH A WHOLESALE POULTERER.

BUT NOW, THE MEN OF THE DERBYSHIRE LIGHT INFANTRY

ENTERTAIN US WITH A PRECISION DISPLAY OF BAD TEMPER.

Man: ATTENTION!

ALL ( in unison ): MY GOODNESS ME!

I AM IN A BAD TEMPER TODAY!

ALL RIGHT, TWO, THREE, DAMN, DAMN, TWO, THREE

I AM VEXED AND RATTY, TWO, THREE

AND HOPPING MAD.

AND NEXT, THE MEN OF THE SECOND ARMOURED DIVISION REGALE US

WITH THEIR FAMOUS CLOSE ORDER SWANNING ABOUT.

SQUAD... CAMP IT UP!

ALL: OOH, GET HER! WHOOPS!

I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, DUCKY.

YOU COULDN'T AFFORD ME, DEAR, TWO, THREE.

I'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

DON'T COME THE BRIGADIER BIT WITH US, DEAR.

WE ALL KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN

YOU MILITARY FAIRY.

( laughter )

WHOOPS, DON'T LOOK NOW, GIRLS.

THE MAJOR'S JUST MINCED IN WITH THAT DOLLY COLOR SERGEANT.

TWO, THREE.

OOH-HO!

AND FINALLY...

( "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"plays )

GOD, IF THEY DON'T STOP, I'LL KILL MYSELF.

( music continues )

I SWEAR, I WILL.

( music continues )

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

( gunshot )

( laughter )

Announcer: FOR THREE DA YSAND NIGHTS

THE DISPLACED EYEBALL PLUMMETED EARTHWARD

UNTIL...

( clinks, then rattles )

( ding )

( laughter )

( vehicle approaching )

OH!

OH!

( laughter )

Woman: WHAT'S THIS?

Man: KEEP LOW, KEEP DOWN, DON'T LAG BEHIND.

COME ON, EVERYBODY, THAT'S RIGHT.

KEEP CLOSE, THAT'S RIGHT.

WATCH OUT FOR THE KILLER CARS.

VROOM!

( laughter )

Announcer: YES, THE KILLER CARS.

FOR YEARS, THE CITY HAD BEEN PLAGUED

BY EVER-INCREASING PEDESTRIAN CONGESTION.

IN AN ATTEMPT TO ELIMINATE THIS PROBLEM

CERTAIN FANATICAL CARS

HAD TAKEN THE LAW INTO THEIR OWN HANDS.

VROOM, VROOM!

( laughter )

VROOM!

V-V-VROOM.

BUT THE DA YS OF THE KILLER CARS WERE NUMBERED

THANKS TO THE MIRACLE OFATOMICMUTATION.

( thundering footsteps )

( laughter )

VROOM!

VROOM!

( thundering footsteps approaching )

( tires squeal )

Man: OH, THANK YOU!

YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY!

BUTAT WHAT COST?

( slurping )

( meowing and growling )

Man: OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

( crowd cheers )

YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY.

( splat )

OF COURSE, THERE WERE THOSE WHO CHOSE TO LEA VE TOWN.

( train whistle blows )

THIS, THEN, IS THE STORY OF TWO OF THEM.

MORNING, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?

YES, WE'VE BOOKED ON YOUR FLIGHT FOR AMERICA.

OH, WE DON'T FLY TO AMERICA.

OH! THE AMERICAN FLIGHT.

ON THE PLANE-- OH, YES.

OH, WE DO THAT, ALL RIGHT.

SAFE AS HOUSES, NO NEED FOR PANIC.

IS IT REALLY 37 AND SIX?

30 BOB-- I'M ROBBING MYSELF.

30 BOB?

TWENTY-FIVE.

TWO QUID THE PAIR OF YOU.

THAT'S WITHOUT INSURANCE.

WELL, HOW MUCH IS IT WITH INSURANCE?

102 QUID.

THAT'S INCLUDING THE FLIGHT.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?

UH, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY-- NO IDEA.

SIX HOURS.

SIX?

FIVE-- TEN FOR THE PAIR OF YOU.

OH, IS IT A JET?

UH... WELL, NO.

IT'S NOT SO MUCH A JET.

IT'S MORE YOUR TRIUMPH HERALD ENGINE WITH WINGS.

WHEN ARE YOU TAKING OFF?

3300 HOURS.

Man: WHAT?

2600 HOURS FOR THE PAIR OF YOU.

WHAT?

HAVE THE INJECTIONS, YOU WON'T CARE.

WHAT INJECTIONS?

BARLEY SUGAR INJECTIONS; CALM YOU DOWN.

THEY'RE COMPULSORY, BOARD OF TRADE, PROMISE.

OH, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF INJECTIONS.

( imitates phone ringing )

HELLO, YES, RIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR MIND UP STRAIGHT AWAY

IF YOU'RE COMING OR NOT.

Both: YES.

RIGHT, YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND.

I'LL RING THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE.

HELLO?

TWO MORE ON THE WAY, MRS. TURPIN.

Woman: AH.

NOW, THE DUTY-FREE TROLLEY IS OVER THERE.

THERE'S SOME LOVELY DROP SCONES

AND SOME DUTY-FREE BROCCOLI

AND THERE'S FRESH ECCLES CAKES.

YOU'RE ALLOWED 200 EACH ON THE PLANE.

THE VERRIFAST PLANE COMPANY ANNOUNCE

THE DEPARTURE OF FLIGHT ONE TO OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY.

WILL PASSENGERS FOR FLIGHT ONE

PLEASE ASSEMBLE AT GATE ONE.

PASSENGERS ARE ADVISED

THAT THERE IS STILL PLENTY OF TIME

TO BUY ECCLES CAKES.

NEARLY READY.

( laughter )

WILL PASSENGERS PLEASE GET READY

FOR THEIR BARLEY SUGAR INJECTIONS.

( withJapanese accent ): TODAY WE ALL TAKE VOW.

TODAY WE SMASH THE ENEMY FLEET!

WE... SMASH... SMASH!

( bellowing )

THAT'S MR. KAMIKAZE, THE PILOT.

HE'S VERY NICE, REALLY

BUT MAKE SURE HE STAYS CLEAR OF BATTLESHIPS.

( dramatic musicplays )

Announcer: THERE HAVE BEEN MANY STIRRING TALES TOLD OF THE SEA

AND ALSO SOME FAIRLY UNINTERESTING ONES

ONLY MARGINALLY CONNECTED WITH IT, LIKE THIS ONE.

SORRY, THIS ISN'T A VERY GOOD ANNOUNCEMENT, SORRY.

AND HERE IS THE RESULT

OF THE "WHERE TO PUT EDWARD HEATH'S STATUE" COMPETITION.

THE WINNER WAS A MR. IVY NORTH

WHO WINS TEN GUINEAS AND A VISIT TO THE SAILORS' QUARTERS.

( all shouting and screaming )

THAT WAS LAST YEAR'S REENACTMENT OF THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR

PERFORMED BY THE BATLEY TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD.

IT WAS WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND PRODUCED BY MRS. RITA FAIRBANKS.

HELLO AGAIN.

Reporter: AND WHAT ARE YOUR LADIES

GOING TO DO FOR US THIS YEAR?

WELL, THIS YEAR WE DECIDED TO REENACT

SOMETHING WITH A MORE MODERN FLAVOR.

WE HAD CONSIDERED

A VERSION OF MICHAEL STEWART'S SPEECH ON NIGERIA

AND THERE WERE SEVERAL VOTES ON THE COMMITTEE

FOR A STAGING OF HERR WILLY BRANDT'S VISIT TO EAST GERMANY.

BUT WE'VE SETTLED INSTEAD

FOR A DRAMATIZATION OF THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT.

INCIDENTALLY, MY SISTER MADGE WILL BE PLAYING

THE PLUCKY LITTLE SPRINGBOK PIONEER DR. CHRISTIAN BARNARD.

WELL, OFF WE GO, THEN

WITH THE BATLEY TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD REENACTMENT

OF THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT.

( blows whistle )

( all shouting )

THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT.

BUT THIS IS NOT THE ONLY OPEN-AIR PRODUCTION HERE

THAT HAS USED THE SEA.

THE THEATRICAL MANAGERS IN THIS AREA

HAVE NOT BEEN SLOW TO APPRECIATE

THE SEA'S TREMENDOUS DRAMATIC VALUE.

AND SOMEWHERE OUT IN THIS BAY IS

THE FIRST UNDERWATER PRODUCTION OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

( muffled, gurgly Elizabethan speech begins )

( gasping )

( both take a deep breath )

( muffled, gurgly speech resumes )

SERVANT HO!

FINE.

THE UNDERWATER VERSION OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

AND FURTHER OUT TO SEA

HELLO, DOLLY! IS ALSO DOING GOOD BUSINESS.

( laughter )

Men: HELLO, DOLLY...

AND OVER THERE ON THE OYSTER BEDS, FORMULA TWO CAR RACING.

( engine roaring )

( tires screeching )

Announcer: NUMBER 20:: THEARMPITS.

NUMBER 21:: THE BOTTOM TWO- THIRDS OF THE NAPE OF THE NECK.

( laughter )

NUMBER 22:: THE NIPPLE.

( laughter )

Announcer on radio: And that concLudes this week's episode

of How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body

adapted for radio

by Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband, Pip.

And now we present the first episode

of a new radio drama series

The Death ofMary Queen ofScots.

Part one, the beginning.

( pleasant theme musicplays )

Man ( with brogue ): You are Mary Queen of Scots?

Woman: I am.

( banging andpounding )

( woman screeches )

( banging and crashing )

( glass shatters )

( screeching, pounding and hooting )

( chaotic banging and screaming continue )

( pleasant theme music enters, underpounding )

( pounding stops )

Announcer: Episode two of The Death ofMary Queen ofScots

can be heard on Radio 4 aLmost immediately.

( theme music begins again )

( sawing )

( screaming)

( chaoticpounding, crashing andyelling )

( silence )

Man with brogue: I think she's dead.

Woman: No, I'm not.

( bullet whirs )

( screaming and crashing resume )

( theme music fades up as crashing stops )

Announcer: That was Episode 2 of The Death ofMary Queen ofScots

adapted for the radio by Bernard HoLLowood and Brian London.

And now, Radio 4 wiLL expLode.

( theme music returns )

( explosion )

WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH THE TELLY, THEN.

YES.

WELL, WHAT'S ON THE TELEVISION, THEN?

LOOKS LIKE A PENGUIN.

( laughter )

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT'S ON THE TELEVISION SET

I MEANT WHAT PROGRAM!

OH.

OOH.

( softly ): TALL AND TAN

Both ( softly ): AND YOUNG AND HANDSOME

THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING.

FUNNY THAT PENGUIN BEING THERE, INNIT?

WHAT'S IT DOING THERE?

STANDING.

I CAN SEE THAT!

IF IT LAYS AN EGG...

( laughter )

IT WILL FALL DOWN THE BACK

OF THE TELEVISION SET.

WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH THAT.

MMM.

UNLESS IT'S A MALE.

OOH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

YES, LOOKS FAIRLY BUTCH.

( laughter )

PERHAPS IT COMES FROM NEXT DOOR.

PENGUINS DON'T COME FROM NEXT DOOR.

THEY COME FROM THE ANTARCTIC!

BURMA!

WHY DID YOU SAY "BURMA"?

I PANICKED.

OH.

( laughter )

PERHAPS IT'S FROM THE ZOO.

WHICH ZOO?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHICH ZOO?

I'M NOT DR. BLOODY BRONOWSKI!

HOW DOES DR. BRONOWSKI KNOW

WHICH ZOO IT CAME FROM?

HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

OH, I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT.

IT WOULD TAKE THE MYSTERY OUT OF LIFE.

ANYWAY, IF IT CAME FROM THE ZOO

IT WOULD HAVE "PROPERTY OF THE ZOO"

STAMPED ON IT.

NO, IT WOULDN'T.

THEY DON'T STAMP ANIMALS "PROPERTY OF THE ZOO."

YOU COULDN'T STAMP A HUGE LION.

THEY STAMP THEM WHEN THEY'RE SMALL.

( laughter )

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY MOLT?

LIONS DON'T MOLT.

NO, BUT PENGUINS DO.

THERE, I'VE RUN RINGS ROUND YOU LOGICALLY.

OH, INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN.

( laughter )

It's just gone 8:00

and time for the penguin on top of your teLevision set

to expLode.

HOW DID HE KNOW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

It was an inspired guess.

And now...

NUMBER 23:: THE SHIN.

NUMBER 24:: REGINALD MAUDLING'S SHIN.

NUMBER 25:: THE BRAIN.

NUMBER 26:: MARGARET THATCHER'S BRAIN.

( laughter and applause )

AND NUMBER 27:: MORE NAUGHTY BITS.

NUMBER 28:: THE NAUGHTY BITS OF THE CABINET.

NUMBER 29:: THE INTERIOR OFA COUNTRY HOUSE.

THAT'S NOT A PART OF THE BODY.

NO, IT'S A LINK, THOUGH.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS VERY GOOD.

NO, IT'S THE END OF THE SERIES.

THEY MUST BE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS.

ALL RIGHT, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE.

THERE'S BEEN A MURDER.

A MURDER?

NO, NO, NOT MURDER, NO.

WHAT'S LIKE A MURDER BUT BEGINS WITH "B"?

BIRMINGHAM?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

Other man: BURNLEY?

BURNLEY, THAT'S RIGHT.

BURNLEY IN LANCASHIRE.

THERE'S BEEN A BURNLEY.

BURGLARY!

BURGLARY.

YES, GOOD MAN.

BURGLARY-- THAT'S IT, OF COURSE.

THERE'S BEEN A BURGLARY.

WHERE?

IN THE BACK, JUST BELOW THE RIB.

NO, THAT'S MURDER.

OH, NO-- IN THE, UH, THE BAND.

IN THE BAT... BARCLAYS BAT.

BARCLAYS BANK?

YES, NASTY BUSINESS.

GOT AWAY WITH &$23,000.

ANY CLUES?

ANY WHAT?

WELL, ANY EVIDENCE AS TO WHO DID IT?

ANY CLUES, EH?

OH, WE DON'T HALF TALK POSH, DO WE?

( mockingly ): I SUPPOSE WE SAY "EHNVELOPE"

AND "LARNGERIE"

AND "SARNDWICHES ON THE SETTEE."

WELL, THIS IS A MURDER INVESTIGATION, YOUNG MAN

AND MURDER IS A VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS!

Other man: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A BURGLARY.

( laughter )

BURGLARY IS ALMOST AS SERIOUS A BUSINESS AS MURDER.

SOME BURGLARIES ARE MORE SERIOUS THAN MURDER.

A BURGLARY IN WHICH SOMEONE GETS STABBED IS MURDER.

SO DON'T COME THESE PETTY DISTINCTIONS WITH ME.

YOU'RE AS BAD AS A JUDGE.

RIGHT! NOW, THE FIRST THING TO DO

IN THE EVENT OF A BREACH OF A PEACE OF ANY KIND

IS TO GO AND...

SORRY, SORRY, I WAS MILES AWAY.

RING THE POLICE?

RING THE POLICE.

YES, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

GET THEM OVER HERE FAST.

NO, ON SECOND THOUGHTS

GET THEM OVER HERE SLOWLY

SO THEY DON'T DROP ANYTHING.

SHALL I MAKE US ALL A CUP OF TEA?

MAKE WHAT YOU LIKE, BOSKOVITCH.

IT WON'T HELP YOU IN COURT.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I'M SORRY, SORRY.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH BEING ON TWO CASES AT ONCE.

I KEEP THINKING I'VE GOT BOSKOVITCH CORNERED

WHEREAS IN FACT, I'M INVESTIGATING A BURNLEY.

BURGLARY.

YES-- GOOD MAN.

( police siren wailing )

WHO'S... WHO'S BOSKOVITCH?

HA!

BOSKOVITCH IS A RUSSIAN SCIENTIST

WHO'S PASSING INFORMATION TO THE RUSSIANS.

CLASSIFIED INFORMATION?

OH, THERE HE GOES AGAIN.

"CLASSIFIED INFORMATION"?

OH, SITTING ON THE SETTEE

WITH OUR SCONES AND OUR CLASSIFIED INFORMATION?

AH, HELLO, DUCKIE.

HELLO, SIR, HOW ARE YOU?

FINE, THANKS, HOW ARE YOU?

WELL, SIR

I'M A LITTLE BIT MOODY TODAY, SIR.

WHY IS THAT, DUCKIE?

( music begins )

BECAUSE...

I'M A LITTLE BIT SAD AND LONELY

NOW MY BABY'S GONE AWAY

I'M FEELING KINDA BLUE, I DON'T KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO

I FEEL A LITTLE SAD TODAY.

HE'SA LITTLE BIT SAD AND LONELY

NOW HIS BABY'S GONEAWA Y

HE'S FEELING KINDA BLUE, HE DON'T KNOWJUST WHAT TO DO

HEAIN'T FEELING TOO GOOD TODA Y.

( horribly out of tune ): WHEN I SMILE

THE SUN COMES FLOODING IN

WHEN I'M SAD

IT GOES BEHIND THE CLOUDS AGAIN

I'M A LITTLE BIT SAD AND LONELY

WELL, MY BABY'S GONE AWAY

I'M FEELING KINDA...

ETCETERA, ETCETERA.

Inspector: LOVELY SONG.

Announcer: AND THAT'S THE FINAL ENTRY

LA DERNIERE ENTREE, DAS FINAL ENTRY.

AND NOW, GUTEN ABEND.

DIE SCORES, DER SCORES, LES SCORES, DEI SCORES.

OH, SCORES... HA! SCORES!

YES, MONACO IS THE WINNER.

HA! MONACO IS THE LINNER.

OH, YES, MAN, MONACO'S WON DE BIG PRIZE, BWANA.

AND NOW, HERE IS CHIEF INSPECTOR JEAN-PAUL ZATAPATHIQUE

WITH THE WINNING SONG, ONCE AGAIN.

Announcer: AND SO, INSPECTOR ZATAPATHIQUE

THE FORENSIC EXPERT FROM THE MONACO MURDER SQUAD

SINGS HIS SONG, "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BONG."

( men humming soulful background harmony )

QUOI? QUOI?

TOUT LE MONDE, QUOI?

POURQUOI?

LE MONDE EST ROND...

MAIS...

MAISJE NE SAIS PAS...

VRAIMENT...

D'HABITUDE...

MAIS...

JE...

PENSE...

( shouting, with chorus ): BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, TIDDLE, TIDDLE, TIDDLE, BANG!

BONG BING!

BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, TIDDLE TIDDLE TIDDLE BING!

BANG BONG!

BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE...

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]

BANG!

BING BANG!

BANG!

BANG BANG!

BANG...!

( applause )

BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE

BONG TIDDLE TIDDLE TIDDLE DING DING

BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE

BONG TIDDLE TIDDLE TIDDLE DING DING...

BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BING...

BANG!

( music ends )

( applause and cheering )

NUMBER 31:: THE END.

( laughter and applause )

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