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1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:15,400
( orchestra plays "A Pretty Girl
Is Like a Melody" )
2
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:58,000
( song continues )
3
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,400
( audience laughter )
4
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,900
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
5
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,100
IT'S...
6
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:17,200
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
7
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:21,000
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
8
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,700
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
9
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:33,500
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
10
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:44,800
( music ends )
11
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,200
Announcer:
HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BODY.
12
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,200
( fart )
13
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,900
NUMBER ONE:: THE FOOT.
14
00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:55,100
NUMBER TWO:: THE SHOULDER.
15
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,900
( audience laughter )
16
00:01:56,900 --> 00:02:00,700
AND NUMBER THREE::
THE OTHER FOOT.
17
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,100
( laughter )
18
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:07,200
NUMBER FOUR::
THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE.
19
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:11,600
NUMBER FIVE::
THE NAUGHTY BITS.
20
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:13,100
( laughter )
21
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:17,300
NUMBER SIX::
JUSTABOVE THE ELBOW.
22
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,900
NUMBER SEVEN::
23
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:23,400
TWO INCHES TO THE RIGHT OF
A VERY NAUGHTY BIT INDEED.
24
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,100
( laughter )
25
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,400
NUMBER EIGHT:: THE KNEECAP.
26
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:35,200
Man:
ONCE A JOLLY SWAGMAN CAMPED BY A BILLABONG
27
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,500
UNDER THE SHADE
OF A COOLIBAH-TREE...
28
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,600
( with Australian accent ):
GOODDAY, BRUCE!
29
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:38,600
OH, HELLO, BRUCE.
30
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,100
HOW ARE YER, BRUCE?
31
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,100
BIT CROOK, BRUCE.
32
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,200
WHERE'S BRUCE?
33
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,200
HE'S NOT HERE,
BRUCE.
34
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:44,800
BLIMEY, S'HOT
IN HERE, BRUCE.
35
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:47,300
S'HOT ENOUGH TO
BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM.
36
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,500
( laughter )
37
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,600
THAT'S A STRANGE
EXPRESSION, BRUCE.
38
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,900
WELL, BRUCE,
I HEARD THE PRIME MINISTER USE IT.
39
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:55,100
"S'HOT ENOUGH
TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM IN 'ERE
40
00:02:55,100 --> 00:02:56,200
YOUR MAJESTY,"
HE SAID
41
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,000
AND SHE SMILED
QUIETLY TO HERSELF.
42
00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,500
SHE'S A GOOD
SHEILA, BRUCE
43
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,000
AND NOT AT ALL
STUCK-UP.
44
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,900
AH! HERE COMES
THE BOSSFELLA NOW.
45
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:04,900
HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?
46
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:05,900
HELLO, BRUCE.
47
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:06,900
HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?
48
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,500
GENTLEMEN, I'D
LIKE TO INTRODUCE
49
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:09,600
A CHAP FROM
POMMY LAND
50
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:11,300
WHO'LL BE JOINING
US THIS YEAR
51
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,400
HERE IN THE PHILOSOPHY
DEPARTMENT
52
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,300
OF THE UNIVERSITY
OF WOOLAMALOO.
53
00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:16,400
( audience laughter )
54
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,400
UH, MICHAEL BALDWIN,
THIS IS BRUCE.
55
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,000
MICHAEL BALDWIN,
THIS IS BRUCE.
56
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,100
MICHAEL BALDWIN,
THIS IS BRUCE.
57
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,400
IS YOUR NAME NOT BRUCE, THEN?
58
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,800
NO, IT'S
MICHAEL.
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00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,000
THAT'S GOING
TO CAUSE
60
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,200
A LITTLE
CONFUSION.
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00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,200
( laughter )
62
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,600
MIND IF WE
CALL YOU "BRUCE"
63
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:30,800
JUST TO KEEP
IT CLEAR?
64
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:31,900
WELL, GENTLEMEN
65
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:34,400
I THINK WE'D BETTER
START THE MEETING.
66
00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:36,000
BEFORE WE
START, THOUGH
67
00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:38,200
I'LL ASK THE PADRE
FOR A PRAYER.
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00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:41,500
O LORD, WE BESEECH THEE,
HAVE MERCY ON OUR FACULTY, AMEN.
69
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:42,500
ALL:
AMEN.
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00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,000
CRACK THE
TUBES, RIGHT!
71
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,800
ER, BRUCE, I NOW
CALL UPON YOU
72
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:47,200
TO WELCOME
MR. BALDWIN
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00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:49,100
TO THE PHILOSOPHY
DEPARTMENT.
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00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,400
I'D LIKE
TO WELCOME
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00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,100
THE POMMY BASTARD
TO GOD'S OWN EARTH
76
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,500
AND I'D LIKE
TO REMIND HIM
77
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:55,500
THAT WE DON'T LIKE
78
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,000
STUCK-UP
STICKY-BEAKS HERE.
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00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:57,900
ALL:
HEAR, HEAR!
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00:03:57,900 --> 00:03:59,000
WELL-SPOKEN, BRUCE.
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00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,300
NOW, BRUCE TEACHES
CLASSICAL PHILOSOPHY
82
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,300
BRUCE TEACHES
HEGELIAN PHILOSOPHY
83
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,600
BRUCE HERE TEACHES
LOGICAL POSITIVISM
84
00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:07,800
AND IS ALSO IN CHARGE
OF THE SHEEP-DIP.
85
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:08,900
( laughter )
86
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,600
WHAT DOES
NEW BRUCE TEACH?
87
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,800
NEW BRUCE WILL BE TEACHING
POLITICAL SCIENCE--
88
00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:14,500
MACHIAVELLI, BENTHAM,
LOCKE, HOBBES
89
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,300
SUTCLIFFE, BRADMAN,
LINDWALL, MILLER, HASSETT AND BENAUD.
90
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:18,200
THOSE ARE CRICKETERS, BRUCE.
91
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,600
OH, SPIT.
92
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:20,900
( laughter )
93
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:23,100
HOWLS OF DERISIVE
LAUGHTER, BRUCE.
94
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:25,800
IN ADDITION, AS HE'S
GOING TO BE TEACHING POLITICS
95
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,800
I'VE TOLD HIM HE'S
WELCOME TO TEACH
96
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,700
ANY OF THE GREAT
SOCIALIST THINKERS
97
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,300
PROVIDED HE MAKES
IT CLEAR THAT THEY WERE WRONG.
98
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,600
ALL:
AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA
99
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:36,900
WE LOVE YOU, AMEN.
100
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,900
( laughter )
101
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,400
ANY QUESTIONS?
102
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,800
NEW BRUCE,
ARE YOU A POOFTAH?
103
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,400
ARE YOU A POOFTAH?
104
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:45,400
NO.
105
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,700
NO, RIGHT.
106
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,700
WELL, GENTLEMEN,
I'LL JUST REMIND YOU
107
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:49,900
OF THE FACULTY RULES.
108
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,800
RULE ONE:
NO POOFTAHS.
109
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,000
RULE TWO: NO MEMBER
OF THE FACULTY
110
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,500
IS TO MALTREAT
THE ABOS
111
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:56,900
IN ANY WAY
WHATSOEVER
112
00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:58,800
IF THERE'S ANYONE WATCHING.
113
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,100
RULE THREE:
NO POOFTAHS.
114
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,300
RULE FOUR:
I DON'T WANT TO CATCH ANYONE
115
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,800
NOT DRINKING
IN THEIR ROOM AFTER LIGHTS OUT.
116
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,400
RULE FIVE: NO POOFTAHS.
117
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,600
RULE SIX: THERE IS NO RULE SIX.
118
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,200
RULE SEVEN: NO POOFTAHS.
119
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:13,000
THAT CONCLUDES THE READING
OF THE RULES.
120
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,900
BRUCE?
121
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:15,900
THIS HERE'S
THE WATTLE--
122
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:16,900
THE EMBLEM
OF OUR LAND.
123
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,200
YOU CAN STICK IT
IN A BOTTLE
124
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,800
OR YOU CAN HOLD IT
IN YER HAND, AMEN.
125
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,600
ALL:
AMEN.
126
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,200
GENTLEMEN, AT 6:00
127
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,000
I WANT EVERY MAN-BRUCE OF YOU IN
THE SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE ROOM
128
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,700
TO TAKE A GLASS OF SHERRY WITH
THE FLYING PHILOSOPHER, BRUCE
129
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:29,900
AND I CALL UPON YOU, PADRE
130
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,500
TO CLOSE THE MEETING
WITH A PRAYER.
131
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,000
OH, LORD, WE
BESEECH THEE
132
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,400
ETC., ETC.,
ETC., AMEN.
133
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,500
ALL:
AMEN.
134
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,200
RIGHT, LET'S GET
SOME SHEILAS.
135
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:38,200
OKAY.
136
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:41,300
AH, ELEVENSES!
137
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,600
THIS SHOULD
TIDE US...
138
00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:44,600
THIS SHOULD TIDE US
OVER 'TIL LUNCHTIME.
139
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:45,600
RECKON
SO, BRUCE.
140
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:46,600
SYDNEY
NOLAN!
141
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:47,600
WHAT'S THAT?
142
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:51,500
NUMBER NINE:: THE EAR.
143
00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:54,800
NUMBER TEN:: THE BIG TOE.
144
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:59,300
NUMBER 11:: MORE NAUGHTY BITS.
145
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:04,800
NUMBER 12:: THE NAUGHTY BITS
OFA LADY.
146
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,200
NUMBER 13:: THE NAUGHTY BITS
OFA HORSE.
147
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:14,000
NUMBER 14:: THE NAUGHTY BITS
OFAN ANT.
148
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:19,000
NUMBER 15:: THE NAUGHTY BITS
OF REGINALD MAUDLING.
149
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:23,200
NUMBER 16:: THE HAND.
150
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,800
GOOD EVENING.
151
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,300
I HAVE WITH ME
IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT
152
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,500
MR. NORMAN
ST. JOHN POLEVAULTER
153
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,900
WHO, FOR THE PAST
FEW YEARS, HAS BEEN CONTRADICTING PEOPLE.
154
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,900
MR. POLEVAULTER,
WHY DO YOU CONTRADICT PEOPLE?
155
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:38,600
I DON'T.
156
00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:39,600
YOU TOLD ME YOU DID.
157
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,000
I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.
158
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,400
( laughter )
159
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,000
OH, I SEE.
160
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:44,900
I'LL START AGAIN.
161
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:45,600
NO, YOU WON'T.
162
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,000
SHH!
163
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:48,300
MR. POLEVAULTER
164
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,900
I UNDERSTAND
YOU DON'T CONTRADICT PEOPLE.
165
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:50,800
YES, I DO.
166
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,200
WHEN DIDN'T YOU START
167
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,600
CONTRADICTING PEOPLE?
168
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:54,800
WELL, I DID IN 1952.
169
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:55,600
1952?
170
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:56,400
1947.
171
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,400
23 YEARS AGO?
172
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,000
NO.
173
00:06:58,100 --> 00:06:59,300
AND SO ON
174
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:00,700
AND SO ON AND SO ON.
175
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,200
( laughter )
176
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,200
AND NOW...
177
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,200
NUMBER 17:: THE TOP OF THE HEAD.
178
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:13,800
NUMBER 18:: THE FEATHER... RARE.
179
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,800
NUMBER 19:: THE NOSE.
180
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,200
( laughter )
181
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,600
( marching musicplaying )
182
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:49,000
( knock at door )
183
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,100
Man:
COME IN.
184
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:58,400
( laughter )
185
00:07:58,400 --> 00:07:59,800
AH, MR. LUXURY YACHT.
186
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,100
DO SIT DOWN, PLEASE.
187
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,200
AH, NO, NO.
188
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:04,100
MY NAME IS SPELLED
"LUXURY YACHT"
189
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,200
BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED
190
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,200
"THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE."
191
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,500
AH, WELL, DO
SIT DOWN, THEN
192
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,900
MR. THROATWOBBLER
MANGROVE.
193
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:10,900
THANK YOU.
194
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,600
NOW, WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TROUBLE?
195
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:13,600
UM...
196
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,200
( laughter )
197
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,300
I'D LIKE YOU TO PERFORM
SOME PLASTIC SURGERY ON ME.
198
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:21,200
I SEE, AND WHICH PARTICULAR
FEATURE OF YOUR ANATOMY
199
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:22,600
IS CAUSING YOU DISTRESS?
200
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:25,300
WELL, WELL, FOR A LONG
TIME NOW, IN FACT
201
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:29,400
EVEN WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I...
YOU KNOW, WHENEVER I LEFT HOME
202
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,800
TO CATCH A BUS
OR TO CATCH A TRAIN...
203
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:34,800
AND EVEN MY TENNIS
HAS SUFFERED, ACTUALLY...
204
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,100
YES, TO BE
ABSOLUTELY BLUNT
205
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:39,500
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT
YOUR ENORMOUS HOOTER.
206
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:40,300
NO!
207
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:41,200
NO?
208
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,300
YES.
209
00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:43,600
YES, AND
YOU WANT ME
210
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,700
TO HACK A BIT OFF.
211
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:45,400
PLEASE.
212
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,800
FINE.
213
00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:49,600
IT IS A STARTLER,
ISN'T IT?
214
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,400
UH, DO YOU MIND
IF I, UH...?
215
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,800
WHAT?
216
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,000
OH, NO, NOTHING, THEN.
217
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,900
WELL, I'LL JUST
EXAMINE YOUR NOSE.
218
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,000
MR. LUXURY YACHT,
THIS, UM...
219
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,400
THIS NOSE OF YOURS
IS FALSE.
220
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,900
IT'S MADE OF POLYSTYRENE.
221
00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:09,000
AND YOUR
OWN HOOTER'S A BEAUT.
222
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,900
NO PRUNING NECESSARY.
223
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:14,700
I'D STILL LIKE
THE OPERATION.
224
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,900
WELL, YOU'VE HAD
THE OPERATION, YOU STRANGE PERSON.
225
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,300
PLEASE DO AN OPERATION.
226
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,600
WELL, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
227
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:26,200
BUT ONLY IF YOU'LL
COME ON A CAMPING HOLIDAY WITH ME.
228
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,300
HE ASKED ME!
HE ASKED ME!
229
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,900
( lighthearted melody plays )
230
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,500
( laughter )
231
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,600
NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU
232
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:01,800
HOW TO PICK UP AN ARCHITECT,
HOW TO PULL A PRIME MINISTER
233
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,500
AND HOW TO HAVE FUN
WITH A WHOLESALE POULTERER.
234
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:07,000
BUT NOW, THE MEN OF THE
DERBYSHIRE LIGHT INFANTRY
235
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,600
ENTERTAIN US WITH A PRECISION
DISPLAY OF BAD TEMPER.
236
00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:12,000
Man:
ATTENTION!
237
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,700
ALL ( in unison ):
MY GOODNESS ME!
238
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:17,600
I AM IN A BAD TEMPER TODAY!
239
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:21,600
ALL RIGHT, TWO, THREE,
DAMN, DAMN, TWO, THREE
240
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,900
I AM VEXED AND RATTY,
TWO, THREE
241
00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:27,100
AND HOPPING MAD.
242
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:31,800
AND NEXT, THE MEN OF THE SECOND
ARMOURED DIVISION REGALE US
243
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:34,300
WITH THEIR FAMOUS
CLOSE ORDER SWANNING ABOUT.
244
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:39,000
SQUAD...
CAMP IT UP!
245
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,800
ALL:
OOH, GET HER! WHOOPS!
246
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,400
I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, DUCKY.
247
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,700
YOU COULDN'T AFFORD ME,
DEAR, TWO, THREE.
248
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,900
I'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.
249
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,400
DON'T COME THE BRIGADIER BIT
WITH US, DEAR.
250
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,300
WE ALL KNOW
WHERE YOU'VE BEEN
251
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,300
YOU MILITARY FAIRY.
252
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:59,200
( laughter )
253
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,300
WHOOPS, DON'T LOOK NOW, GIRLS.
254
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:05,600
THE MAJOR'S JUST MINCED IN
WITH THAT DOLLY COLOR SERGEANT.
255
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:06,400
TWO, THREE.
256
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,000
OOH-HO!
257
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,400
AND FINALLY...
258
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:13,400
( "Dance of the
Sugar Plum Fairy"plays )
259
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,700
GOD, IF THEY DON'T STOP,
I'LL KILL MYSELF.
260
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:28,300
( music continues )
261
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,800
I SWEAR, I WILL.
262
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,100
( music continues )
263
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,200
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!
264
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,000
( gunshot )
265
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,200
( laughter )
266
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,000
Announcer:
FOR THREE DA YSAND NIGHTS
267
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,300
THE DISPLACED EYEBALL
PLUMMETED EARTHWARD
268
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:43,500
UNTIL...
269
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,200
( clinks, then rattles )
270
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,400
( ding )
271
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:54,000
( laughter )
272
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,900
( vehicle approaching )
273
00:11:58,700 --> 00:11:59,900
OH!
274
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,500
OH!
275
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:15,200
( laughter )
276
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,000
Woman:
WHAT'S THIS?
277
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,400
Man:
KEEP LOW, KEEP DOWN, DON'T LAG BEHIND.
278
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,600
COME ON, EVERYBODY,
THAT'S RIGHT.
279
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:20,700
KEEP CLOSE, THAT'S RIGHT.
280
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,100
WATCH OUT FOR
THE KILLER CARS.
281
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,500
VROOM!
282
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:24,700
( laughter )
283
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,400
Announcer:
YES, THE KILLER CARS.
284
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,900
FOR YEARS, THE CITY
HAD BEEN PLAGUED
285
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:31,700
BY EVER-INCREASING
PEDESTRIAN CONGESTION.
286
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:34,400
IN AN ATTEMPT
TO ELIMINATE THIS PROBLEM
287
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,500
CERTAIN FANATICAL CARS
288
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,700
HAD TAKEN THE LAW
INTO THEIR OWN HANDS.
289
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:40,300
VROOM, VROOM!
290
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,200
( laughter )
291
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,800
VROOM!
292
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,400
V-V-VROOM.
293
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,200
BUT THE DA YS OF THE KILLER
CARS WERE NUMBERED
294
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,600
THANKS TO THE MIRACLE
OFATOMICMUTATION.
295
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,400
( thundering footsteps )
296
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:59,600
( laughter )
297
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:04,900
VROOM!
298
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:06,300
VROOM!
299
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:07,800
( thundering footsteps
approaching )
300
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,400
( tires squeal )
301
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:11,600
Man:
OH, THANK YOU!
302
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,000
YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY!
303
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,800
BUTAT WHAT COST?
304
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,500
( slurping )
305
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,800
( meowing and growling )
306
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,200
Man:
OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
307
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,100
( crowd cheers )
308
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,400
YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY.
309
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,000
( splat )
310
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,200
OF COURSE, THERE WERE THOSE
WHO CHOSE TO LEA VE TOWN.
311
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,000
( train whistle blows )
312
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:39,500
THIS, THEN, IS THE STORY
OF TWO OF THEM.
313
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,300
MORNING, SIR,
CAN I HELP YOU?
314
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,800
YES, WE'VE BOOKED ON
YOUR FLIGHT FOR AMERICA.
315
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:12,600
OH, WE DON'T
FLY TO AMERICA.
316
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,100
OH! THE AMERICAN FLIGHT.
317
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,600
ON THE PLANE-- OH, YES.
318
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,100
OH, WE DO THAT,
ALL RIGHT.
319
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,200
SAFE AS HOUSES,
NO NEED FOR PANIC.
320
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,300
IS IT REALLY 37 AND SIX?
321
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:22,800
30 BOB-- I'M ROBBING MYSELF.
322
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:23,800
30 BOB?
323
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:24,600
TWENTY-FIVE.
324
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:25,700
TWO QUID
THE PAIR OF YOU.
325
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:27,000
THAT'S
WITHOUT INSURANCE.
326
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,900
WELL, HOW MUCH IS
IT WITH INSURANCE?
327
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,100
102 QUID.
328
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,600
THAT'S INCLUDING
THE FLIGHT.
329
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,900
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?
330
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:35,900
UH, LET ME PUT IT
THIS WAY-- NO IDEA.
331
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,000
SIX HOURS.
332
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:37,500
SIX?
333
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:38,700
FIVE-- TEN FOR
THE PAIR OF YOU.
334
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:39,500
OH, IS IT A JET?
335
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:40,600
UH... WELL, NO.
336
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:41,900
IT'S NOT SO MUCH A JET.
337
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,800
IT'S MORE YOUR TRIUMPH
HERALD ENGINE WITH WINGS.
338
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,500
WHEN ARE YOU TAKING OFF?
339
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:47,500
3300 HOURS.
340
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:48,500
Man:
WHAT?
341
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:49,900
2600 HOURS FOR
THE PAIR OF YOU.
342
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,000
WHAT?
343
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,100
HAVE THE INJECTIONS,
YOU WON'T CARE.
344
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,300
WHAT INJECTIONS?
345
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,600
BARLEY SUGAR
INJECTIONS; CALM YOU DOWN.
346
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,000
THEY'RE COMPULSORY,
BOARD OF TRADE, PROMISE.
347
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:57,700
OH, I DON'T LIKE
THE SOUND OF INJECTIONS.
348
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,000
( imitates phone ringing )
349
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,200
HELLO, YES, RIGHT.
350
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,400
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR
MIND UP STRAIGHT AWAY
351
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,400
IF YOU'RE COMING OR NOT.
352
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:03,500
Both:
YES.
353
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:04,800
RIGHT, YOU CAN'T
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
354
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:06,000
I'LL RING THE
DEPARTURE LOUNGE.
355
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,200
HELLO?
356
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:09,800
TWO MORE ON THE WAY,
MRS. TURPIN.
357
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:12,500
Woman:
AH.
358
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,800
NOW, THE DUTY-FREE
TROLLEY IS OVER THERE.
359
00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:16,600
THERE'S SOME
LOVELY DROP SCONES
360
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,100
AND SOME
DUTY-FREE BROCCOLI
361
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,800
AND THERE'S
FRESH ECCLES CAKES.
362
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,600
YOU'RE ALLOWED 200 EACH
ON THE PLANE.
363
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,900
THE VERRIFAST PLANE COMPANY
ANNOUNCE
364
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:28,800
THE DEPARTURE OF FLIGHT ONE
TO OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY.
365
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,800
WILL PASSENGERS
FOR FLIGHT ONE
366
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,600
PLEASE ASSEMBLE
AT GATE ONE.
367
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,200
PASSENGERS ARE ADVISED
368
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,500
THAT THERE IS
STILL PLENTY OF TIME
369
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,900
TO BUY ECCLES CAKES.
370
00:15:37,900 --> 00:15:39,100
NEARLY READY.
371
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,300
( laughter )
372
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,100
WILL PASSENGERS PLEASE GET READY
373
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,000
FOR THEIR BARLEY SUGAR
INJECTIONS.
374
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,400
( withJapanese accent ):
TODAY WE ALL TAKE VOW.
375
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,600
TODAY WE SMASH
THE ENEMY FLEET!
376
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,600
WE... SMASH... SMASH!
377
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,600
( bellowing )
378
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:00,700
THAT'S MR. KAMIKAZE, THE PILOT.
379
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,200
HE'S VERY NICE, REALLY
380
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:05,200
BUT MAKE SURE HE STAYS
CLEAR OF BATTLESHIPS.
381
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,000
( dramatic musicplays )
382
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:11,000
Announcer:
THERE HAVE BEEN MANY STIRRING TALES TOLD OF THE SEA
383
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,600
AND ALSO SOME FAIRLY
UNINTERESTING ONES
384
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,800
ONLY MARGINALLY CONNECTED
WITH IT, LIKE THIS ONE.
385
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,100
SORRY, THIS ISN'T A VERY
GOOD ANNOUNCEMENT, SORRY.
386
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,700
AND HERE IS THE RESULT
387
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:24,500
OF THE "WHERE TO PUT EDWARD
HEATH'S STATUE" COMPETITION.
388
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,400
THE WINNER WAS A MR. IVY NORTH
389
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:30,000
WHO WINS TEN GUINEAS AND A VISIT
TO THE SAILORS' QUARTERS.
390
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,100
( all shouting and screaming )
391
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:43,900
THAT WAS LAST YEAR'S REENACTMENT
OF THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR
392
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,400
PERFORMED BY THE BATLEY
TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD.
393
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:50,800
IT WAS WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND
PRODUCED BY MRS. RITA FAIRBANKS.
394
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:51,900
HELLO AGAIN.
395
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,600
Reporter:
AND WHAT ARE YOUR LADIES
396
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,200
GOING TO DO
FOR US THIS YEAR?
397
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,400
WELL, THIS YEAR
WE DECIDED TO REENACT
398
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,600
SOMETHING WITH
A MORE MODERN FLAVOR.
399
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,000
WE HAD CONSIDERED
400
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,900
A VERSION OF MICHAEL STEWART'S
SPEECH ON NIGERIA
401
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:06,500
AND THERE WERE SEVERAL VOTES
ON THE COMMITTEE
402
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,100
FOR A STAGING OF HERR WILLY
BRANDT'S VISIT TO EAST GERMANY.
403
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:12,000
BUT WE'VE SETTLED INSTEAD
404
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,800
FOR A DRAMATIZATION
OF THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT.
405
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,600
INCIDENTALLY, MY SISTER MADGE
WILL BE PLAYING
406
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:22,300
THE PLUCKY LITTLE SPRINGBOK
PIONEER DR. CHRISTIAN BARNARD.
407
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,600
WELL, OFF
WE GO, THEN
408
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,500
WITH THE BATLEY
TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD REENACTMENT
409
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:28,400
OF THE FIRST
HEART TRANSPLANT.
410
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,600
( blows whistle )
411
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:33,800
( all shouting )
412
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,600
THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT.
413
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,600
BUT THIS IS NOT THE ONLY
OPEN-AIR PRODUCTION HERE
414
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:46,900
THAT HAS USED THE SEA.
415
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,100
THE THEATRICAL MANAGERS
IN THIS AREA
416
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,100
HAVE NOT BEEN SLOW TO APPRECIATE
417
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,200
THE SEA'S TREMENDOUS
DRAMATIC VALUE.
418
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,400
AND SOMEWHERE OUT IN THIS BAY IS
419
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:59,000
THE FIRST UNDERWATER PRODUCTION
OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
420
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:07,600
( muffled, gurgly
Elizabethan speech begins )
421
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,100
( gasping )
422
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,200
( both take a deep breath )
423
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:16,800
( muffled, gurgly speech
resumes )
424
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,200
SERVANT HO!
425
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,400
FINE.
426
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:38,700
THE UNDERWATER VERSION
OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
427
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,200
AND FURTHER OUT TO SEA
428
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,100
HELLO, DOLLY!
IS ALSO DOING GOOD BUSINESS.
429
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,200
( laughter )
430
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,700
Men:
HELLO, DOLLY...
431
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,100
AND OVER THERE ON THE OYSTER
BEDS, FORMULA TWO CAR RACING.
432
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:53,600
( engine roaring )
433
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,200
( tires screeching )
434
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,800
Announcer:
NUMBER 20:: THEARMPITS.
435
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:09,700
NUMBER 21:: THE BOTTOM TWO-
THIRDS OF THE NAPE OF THE NECK.
436
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:10,800
( laughter )
437
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:14,800
NUMBER 22:: THE NIPPLE.
438
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,200
( laughter )
439
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:20,000
Announcer on radio:
And that concLudes this week's episode
440
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,600
of How to Recognize
Different Parts of the Body
441
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:24,000
adapted for radio
442
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,800
by Ann Haydon-Jones
and her husband, Pip.
443
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,800
And now we present
the first episode
444
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,000
of a new radio drama series
445
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,600
The Death
ofMary Queen ofScots.
446
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:39,300
Part one, the beginning.
447
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:46,200
( pleasant theme musicplays )
448
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,500
Man ( with brogue ):
You are Mary Queen of Scots?
449
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:55,600
Woman:
I am.
450
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,400
( banging andpounding )
451
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,700
( woman screeches )
452
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,200
( banging and crashing )
453
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,500
( glass shatters )
454
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:08,100
( screeching, pounding
and hooting )
455
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:14,400
( chaotic banging
and screaming continue )
456
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,400
( pleasant theme music
enters, underpounding )
457
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,700
( pounding stops )
458
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,900
Announcer:
Episode two of The Death ofMary Queen ofScots
459
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,900
can be heard on Radio 4
aLmost immediately.
460
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,600
( theme music begins again )
461
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,000
( sawing )
462
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,100
( screaming)
463
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:54,100
( chaoticpounding,
crashing andyelling )
464
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,400
( silence )
465
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,800
Man with brogue:
I think she's dead.
466
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,800
Woman:
No, I'm not.
467
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:00,200
( bullet whirs )
468
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:06,300
( screaming and crashing
resume )
469
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,100
( theme music fades up
as crashing stops )
470
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:13,000
Announcer:
That was Episode 2 of The Death ofMary Queen ofScots
471
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,400
adapted for the radio by Bernard
HoLLowood and Brian London.
472
00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:19,900
And now, Radio 4 wiLL expLode.
473
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,200
( theme music returns )
474
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,000
( explosion )
475
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:29,300
WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH
THE TELLY, THEN.
476
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,400
YES.
477
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:43,400
WELL, WHAT'S ON
THE TELEVISION, THEN?
478
00:21:44,900 --> 00:21:46,400
LOOKS LIKE A PENGUIN.
479
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:48,000
( laughter )
480
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,200
NO, NO, NO, NO.
481
00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:51,400
I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT'S
ON THE TELEVISION SET
482
00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:53,000
I MEANT WHAT PROGRAM!
483
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,200
OH.
484
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,300
OOH.
485
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,000
( softly ):
TALL AND TAN
486
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,100
Both ( softly ):
AND YOUNG AND HANDSOME
487
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:03,500
THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA
GOES WALKING.
488
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,300
FUNNY THAT PENGUIN
BEING THERE, INNIT?
489
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,800
WHAT'S IT DOING THERE?
490
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:11,800
STANDING.
491
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,700
I CAN SEE THAT!
492
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,400
IF IT LAYS AN EGG...
493
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,500
( laughter )
494
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,200
IT WILL FALL
DOWN THE BACK
495
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,600
OF THE TELEVISION SET.
496
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:26,000
WE'LL HAVE
TO WATCH THAT.
497
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:27,200
MMM.
498
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,200
UNLESS IT'S A MALE.
499
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:30,800
OOH, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF THAT.
500
00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:33,100
YES, LOOKS FAIRLY BUTCH.
501
00:22:33,100 --> 00:22:34,100
( laughter )
502
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:36,400
PERHAPS IT COMES
FROM NEXT DOOR.
503
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,900
PENGUINS DON'T COME
FROM NEXT DOOR.
504
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,100
THEY COME
FROM THE ANTARCTIC!
505
00:22:41,100 --> 00:22:42,300
BURMA!
506
00:22:46,100 --> 00:22:47,400
WHY DID YOU SAY "BURMA"?
507
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,400
I PANICKED.
508
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,500
OH.
509
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,300
( laughter )
510
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:53,400
PERHAPS IT'S
FROM THE ZOO.
511
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,500
WHICH ZOO?
512
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,800
HOW SHOULD I KNOW
WHICH ZOO?
513
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,200
I'M NOT
DR. BLOODY BRONOWSKI!
514
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,700
HOW DOES
DR. BRONOWSKI KNOW
515
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,000
WHICH ZOO
IT CAME FROM?
516
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,200
HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
517
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,700
OH, I WOULDN'T
LIKE THAT.
518
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,200
IT WOULD TAKE
THE MYSTERY OUT OF LIFE.
519
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,100
ANYWAY, IF IT
CAME FROM THE ZOO
520
00:23:09,100 --> 00:23:11,100
IT WOULD HAVE
"PROPERTY OF THE ZOO"
521
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,100
STAMPED ON IT.
522
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,400
NO, IT WOULDN'T.
523
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,200
THEY DON'T STAMP ANIMALS
"PROPERTY OF THE ZOO."
524
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,400
YOU COULDN'T STAMP
A HUGE LION.
525
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,900
THEY STAMP THEM
WHEN THEY'RE SMALL.
526
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,200
( laughter )
527
00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:28,800
WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN THEY MOLT?
528
00:23:28,900 --> 00:23:29,900
LIONS DON'T MOLT.
529
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,200
NO, BUT PENGUINS DO.
530
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:34,000
THERE, I'VE RUN RINGS
ROUND YOU LOGICALLY.
531
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,200
OH, INTERCOURSE
THE PENGUIN.
532
00:23:37,300 --> 00:23:38,700
( laughter )
533
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,800
It's just gone 8:00
534
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,700
and time for the penguin
on top of your teLevision set
535
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,200
to expLode.
536
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,600
HOW DID HE KNOW THAT
WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?
537
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:54,900
It was an inspired guess.
538
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:55,900
And now...
539
00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:58,600
NUMBER 23:: THE SHIN.
540
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:03,000
NUMBER 24::
REGINALD MAUDLING'S SHIN.
541
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,800
NUMBER 25:: THE BRAIN.
542
00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:11,400
NUMBER 26::
MARGARET THATCHER'S BRAIN.
543
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:14,900
( laughter and applause )
544
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:20,500
AND NUMBER 27::
MORE NAUGHTY BITS.
545
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,400
NUMBER 28:: THE NAUGHTY BITS
OF THE CABINET.
546
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:30,000
NUMBER 29:: THE INTERIOR
OFA COUNTRY HOUSE.
547
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,500
THAT'S NOT A PART
OF THE BODY.
548
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:32,800
NO, IT'S A LINK, THOUGH.
549
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,000
I DIDN'T THINK
IT WAS VERY GOOD.
550
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,800
NO, IT'S THE END
OF THE SERIES.
551
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:37,000
THEY MUST BE RUNNING
OUT OF IDEAS.
552
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:38,700
ALL RIGHT,
DON'T ANYBODY MOVE.
553
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,000
THERE'S
BEEN A MURDER.
554
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,400
A MURDER?
555
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:42,900
NO, NO,
NOT MURDER, NO.
556
00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:45,600
WHAT'S LIKE A MURDER
BUT BEGINS WITH "B"?
557
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:46,900
BIRMINGHAM?
558
00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:47,900
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
559
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:48,900
Other man:
BURNLEY?
560
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,100
BURNLEY,
THAT'S RIGHT.
561
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,300
BURNLEY
IN LANCASHIRE.
562
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:52,600
THERE'S BEEN
A BURNLEY.
563
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:53,600
BURGLARY!
564
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:54,200
BURGLARY.
565
00:24:54,300 --> 00:24:55,300
YES, GOOD MAN.
566
00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:56,300
BURGLARY--
THAT'S IT, OF COURSE.
567
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,400
THERE'S BEEN
A BURGLARY.
568
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,400
WHERE?
569
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,600
IN THE BACK, JUST BELOW THE RIB.
570
00:24:59,700 --> 00:25:00,500
NO, THAT'S MURDER.
571
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:04,100
OH, NO-- IN THE, UH, THE BAND.
572
00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:07,000
IN THE BAT... BARCLAYS BAT.
573
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,300
BARCLAYS BANK?
574
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:09,300
YES, NASTY BUSINESS.
575
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:10,400
GOT AWAY WITH &$23,000.
576
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,000
ANY CLUES?
577
00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:13,200
ANY WHAT?
578
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,900
WELL, ANY EVIDENCE
AS TO WHO DID IT?
579
00:25:16,900 --> 00:25:19,100
ANY CLUES, EH?
580
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:22,200
OH, WE DON'T
HALF TALK POSH, DO WE?
581
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,500
( mockingly ):
I SUPPOSE WE SAY "EHNVELOPE"
582
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,200
AND "LARNGERIE"
583
00:25:26,300 --> 00:25:29,600
AND "SARNDWICHES
ON THE SETTEE."
584
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,000
WELL, THIS IS A MURDER
INVESTIGATION, YOUNG MAN
585
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,900
AND MURDER IS
A VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS!
586
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,800
Other man:
I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A BURGLARY.
587
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,600
( laughter )
588
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,100
BURGLARY IS ALMOST AS SERIOUS
A BUSINESS AS MURDER.
589
00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:43,300
SOME BURGLARIES ARE
MORE SERIOUS THAN MURDER.
590
00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:45,800
A BURGLARY IN WHICH SOMEONE
GETS STABBED IS MURDER.
591
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,100
SO DON'T COME THESE PETTY
DISTINCTIONS WITH ME.
592
00:25:48,100 --> 00:25:49,700
YOU'RE AS BAD AS A JUDGE.
593
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,500
RIGHT! NOW,
THE FIRST THING TO DO
594
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:54,000
IN THE EVENT OF A BREACH
OF A PEACE OF ANY KIND
595
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,500
IS TO GO AND...
596
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:02,700
SORRY, SORRY,
I WAS MILES AWAY.
597
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:03,700
RING THE POLICE?
598
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:04,700
RING THE POLICE.
599
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:05,700
YES, THAT'S
A GOOD IDEA.
600
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:06,700
GET THEM
OVER HERE FAST.
601
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:07,800
NO, ON SECOND THOUGHTS
602
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:08,900
GET THEM OVER
HERE SLOWLY
603
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,200
SO THEY DON'T
DROP ANYTHING.
604
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,700
SHALL I MAKE US ALL
A CUP OF TEA?
605
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,100
MAKE WHAT YOU LIKE,
BOSKOVITCH.
606
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:14,400
IT WON'T HELP
YOU IN COURT.
607
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,200
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
608
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:17,600
I'M SORRY, SORRY.
609
00:26:17,700 --> 00:26:20,000
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH
BEING ON TWO CASES AT ONCE.
610
00:26:20,100 --> 00:26:22,100
I KEEP THINKING I'VE
GOT BOSKOVITCH CORNERED
611
00:26:22,100 --> 00:26:24,200
WHEREAS IN FACT,
I'M INVESTIGATING A BURNLEY.
612
00:26:24,300 --> 00:26:25,200
BURGLARY.
613
00:26:25,300 --> 00:26:27,000
YES-- GOOD MAN.
614
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,300
( police siren wailing )
615
00:26:28,300 --> 00:26:29,700
WHO'S...
WHO'S BOSKOVITCH?
616
00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:30,700
HA!
617
00:26:30,700 --> 00:26:33,400
BOSKOVITCH
IS A RUSSIAN SCIENTIST
618
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,400
WHO'S PASSING INFORMATION
TO THE RUSSIANS.
619
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,800
CLASSIFIED
INFORMATION?
620
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,800
OH, THERE HE
GOES AGAIN.
621
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,000
"CLASSIFIED
INFORMATION"?
622
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,800
OH, SITTING ON THE SETTEE
623
00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:47,400
WITH OUR SCONES AND OUR
CLASSIFIED INFORMATION?
624
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,800
AH, HELLO, DUCKIE.
625
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,500
HELLO, SIR, HOW ARE YOU?
626
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:52,400
FINE, THANKS,
HOW ARE YOU?
627
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:53,500
WELL, SIR
628
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,200
I'M A LITTLE BIT
MOODY TODAY, SIR.
629
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:56,700
WHY IS THAT, DUCKIE?
630
00:26:56,700 --> 00:26:58,000
( music begins )
631
00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,200
BECAUSE...
632
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,200
I'M A LITTLE BIT
SAD AND LONELY
633
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,700
NOW MY BABY'S GONE AWAY
634
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,200
I'M FEELING KINDA BLUE,
I DON'T KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO
635
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,700
I FEEL A LITTLE SAD TODAY.
636
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,800
HE'SA LITTLE BIT SAD
AND LONELY
637
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,200
NOW HIS BABY'S GONEAWA Y
638
00:27:18,300 --> 00:27:21,000
HE'S FEELING KINDA BLUE,
HE DON'T KNOWJUST WHAT TO DO
639
00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:24,700
HEAIN'T FEELING
TOO GOOD TODA Y.
640
00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:27,900
( horribly out of tune ):
WHEN I SMILE
641
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,200
THE SUN COMES FLOODING IN
642
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,000
WHEN I'M SAD
643
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:37,800
IT GOES
BEHIND THE CLOUDS AGAIN
644
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,300
I'M A LITTLE BIT
SAD AND LONELY
645
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,800
WELL, MY BABY'S GONE AWAY
646
00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:45,600
I'M FEELING KINDA...
647
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,000
ETCETERA, ETCETERA.
648
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,200
Inspector:
LOVELY SONG.
649
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,200
Announcer:
AND THAT'S THE FINAL ENTRY
650
00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:53,300
LA DERNIERE ENTREE,
DAS FINAL ENTRY.
651
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,200
AND NOW, GUTEN ABEND.
652
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:59,600
DIE SCORES, DER SCORES,
LES SCORES, DEI SCORES.
653
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:03,000
OH, SCORES... HA! SCORES!
654
00:28:03,100 --> 00:28:06,100
YES, MONACO IS THE WINNER.
655
00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:07,700
HA! MONACO IS THE LINNER.
656
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:11,400
OH, YES, MAN, MONACO'S WON
DE BIG PRIZE, BWANA.
657
00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:14,700
AND NOW, HERE IS CHIEF INSPECTOR
JEAN-PAUL ZATAPATHIQUE
658
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,600
WITH THE WINNING SONG,
ONCE AGAIN.
659
00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:20,800
Announcer:
AND SO, INSPECTOR ZATAPATHIQUE
660
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,300
THE FORENSIC EXPERT
FROM THE MONACO MURDER SQUAD
661
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,400
SINGS HIS SONG,
"BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BONG."
662
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,700
( men humming soulful
background harmony )
663
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,000
QUOI? QUOI?
664
00:28:32,100 --> 00:28:34,000
TOUT LE MONDE, QUOI?
665
00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:35,700
POURQUOI?
666
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,400
LE MONDE EST ROND...
667
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:39,400
MAIS...
668
00:28:39,500 --> 00:28:42,500
MAISJE NE SAIS PAS...
669
00:28:42,500 --> 00:28:44,800
VRAIMENT...
670
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,700
D'HABITUDE...
671
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:47,700
MAIS...
672
00:28:47,700 --> 00:28:48,800
JE...
673
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:52,600
PENSE...
674
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,200
( shouting, with chorus ):
BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, TIDDLE, TIDDLE, TIDDLE, BANG!
675
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:56,700
BONG BING!
676
00:28:56,700 --> 00:28:58,200
BING TIDDLE TIDDLE,
TIDDLE TIDDLE TIDDLE BING!
677
00:28:58,200 --> 00:28:59,200
BANG BONG!
678
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:00,800
BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE...
679
00:29:00,900 --> 00:29:04,800
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
680
00:29:04,900 --> 00:29:06,900
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS
681
00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:10,300
Captioned by
The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]
682
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,100
BANG!
683
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:13,800
BING BANG!
684
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,400
BANG!
685
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,300
BANG BANG!
686
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:18,900
BANG...!
687
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,900
( applause )
688
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:22,800
BING TIDDLE TIDDLE,
BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE
689
00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:24,300
BONG TIDDLE TIDDLE
TIDDLE DING DING
690
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,200
BING TIDDLE TIDDLE,
BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE
691
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,000
BONG TIDDLE TIDDLE
TIDDLE DING DING...
692
00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:30,300
BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BING...
693
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:31,700
BANG!
694
00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:34,500
( music ends )
695
00:29:34,500 --> 00:29:37,900
( applause and cheering )
696
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,400
NUMBER 31:: THE END.
697
00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:42,800
( laughter and applause )
698
00:29:42,850 --> 00:29:47,400
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