Original subtitles

Announcer: HERE ISA PREVIEW

OF SOME OF THE PROGRAMS YOU'LL BEABLE TO SEE

COMING SHORTLY ON BBC TELEVISION.

TO KICK OFF WITH, THERE'S VARIETY.

PETER WESTAND BRIANJOHNSON STAR IN RAIN STOPPED PLAY

A WACKY NEW COMEDY SERIES

ABOUT THE GA Y EXPLOITS OF TWO TELEVISION CRICKET COMMENTATORS

WITH E.W. SWANTON ASAGGIE, THE KOOKY SCOTS MAID.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE VARIETY, THERE'S VARIETY

WITH BRIAN CLOSE AT THE TALK OF THE TOWN.

AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.

THE CLASSICS SERIES RETURN TO BBC2

WITH 26 EPISODES OFJOHN GALSWORTHY'S "SNOOKER MY WA Y"

WITH NYREE DAWN PORTER REPEATING HER TRIUMPH

ASJOE DA VIS.

AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.

COMEDY IS NOT FORGOTTEN, WITHJIM LAKER

IN 13 WEEKS OF OFFSPIN BOWLING.

JIM PLA YS THEZANY BACHELOR BOWLER

IN A NEW SERIES, OWZAT

WITH ANNELEY DRUMMOND-HA YE, ON MR. SOFTEE, AS HIS WIFE.

AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.

PANORAMA WILL BE RETURNING

INTRODUCED AS USUAL BY TONYJACKLIN

AND LULU WILL BE TACKLING THE OLD MAN OF HOY.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PREFER DRAMA, THERE'S SPORT.

ON SHOW OF THE WEEK, KENNETH WOSTENHOLME SINGS.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TELEVISION

THERE'S DA VID COLEMAN.

AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT.

BUT NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT--

SPORT.

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends with a rude noise )

( wind blowing )

( wind instruments play ethereal tune )

( banging and sawing )

( roaring '20s dance music plays )

( recording wobbles and slows to a stop )

( metal clangs )

( fly buzzing )

( hammerpounds nail )

( more hammering )

Man: GO ON. BLIMEY!

LOOK WHAT WE FOUND!

( men mutter enthusiastically )

Man: WHAT AN AMAZING FIND.

Man 2: IT REALLY IS FANTASTIC.

Man 1: IT'S THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND OF THE CENTURY.

Man 2: IT IS, INDEED, INDEED, INDEED.

Man 1: GENTLEMEN, FROM THIS SINGLE PART

AND MONTHS OF PAINSTAKING RESEARCH

WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ACCURATELY RECONSTRUCT THIS ENTIRE BEAST.

( audience laughter )

HELLO.

ON ARCHAEOLOGY TODA Y TONIGHT

I HAVE WITH ME PROFESSOR LUCIEN KASTNER

OF OSLO UNIVERSITY.

GOOD EVENING.

HOW TALL ARE YOU, PROFESSOR?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

I'M ABOUT FIVE FOOT TEN.

AND AN EXPERT IN EGYPTIAN TOMB PAINTINGS

SIR ROBERT... ARE YOU REALLY FIVE FOOT TEN?

YES.

FUNNY, YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER THAN THAT TO ME.

ARE YOU SLUMPED FORWARD IN YOUR CHAIR AT ALL?

UH, NO, I, I...

EXTRAORDINARY.

SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY

WHO'S JUST RETURNED FROM THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA

AND WHO MUST BE WELL OVER SIX FOOT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SIR ROBERT?

YES.

IN FACT, I THINK

YOU'RE SIX FOOT FIVE, AREN'T YOU?

UH, YES.

( canned applause )

OH, THAT'S MARVELOUS.

I MEAN, YOU'RE

A TOTALLY DIFFERENT KIND OF SPECIMEN

TO PROFESSOR KASTNER.

STRAIGHT IN YOUR SEAT

ERECT, FIRM...

YES. I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE

TO DISCUSS ARCHAEOLOGY.

YES, YES, OF COURSE WE ARE.

YES, ABSOLUTELY, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

THAT'S POSITIVE THINKING FOR YOU.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID A THING LIKE THAT, WOULD YOU

YOU FIVE-FOOT-TEN-INCH WEED?

( audience laughter )

SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY-- WHO'S VERY INTERESTING--

WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED

IN THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA?

WELL, BASICALLY, WE HAVE FOUND

A COMPLEX OF TOMBS...

VERY GOOD SPEAKING VOICE.

WHICH PRESENT DRAMATIC EVIDENCE

OF POLYNESIAN INFLUENCE

IN EGYPT IN THE THIRD DYNASTY

WHICH IS QUITE REMARKABLE.

HOW TALL WERE THE POLYNESIANS?

THEY WERE...

SHH!

WELL, THEY WERE RATHER SMALL, SEAFARING...

SHORT MEN, WERE THEY-- ALL SQUAT AND BENT UP?

WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

WHO WERE THE TALL PEOPLE?

I'M AFRAID I DON'T KNOW.

WHO'S THAT VERY TALL TRIBE IN AFRICA?

WELL, THIS IS HARDLY ARCHAEOLOGY.

THE WATUTSI, THAT'S IT, THE WATUTSI!

OH, THAT'S THE TRIBE.

SOME OF THEM WERE EIGHT FOOT TALL.

OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

EIGHT FOOT OF WATUTSI.

NOT ONE ON ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS, OH, NO!

EIGHT FOOT OF SOLID WATUTSI!

THAT'S WHAT I CALL TALL.

YES, BUT IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ARCHAEOLOGY.

OH, TO HELL WITH ARCHAEOLOGY!

( loud shattering )

( shouting ): MAY I PLEASE SPEAK?

( quavering ): I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM OSLO

TO DO THIS PROGRAM.

I'M A PROFESSOR OF ARCHAEOLOGY!

I'M AN EXPERT IN ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS.

ALL RIGHT, I'M ONLY FIVE FOOT TEN.

ALL RIGHT, MY POSTURE IS BAD

ALL RIGHT, I SLUMP IN MY CHAIR.

BUT I'VE HAD MORE WOMEN THAN EITHER OF YOU TWO!

( hysterically ): I'VE HAD HALF OF BLOODY NORWAY

THAT'S WHAT I'VE HAD!

SO, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ROBERT EVERSLEY!

AND KEEP YOUR BLOODY WATUTSI!

( shrieking ): I'D RATHER HAVE MY LITTLE BODY!

MY LITTLE, FIVE-FOOT- TEN-INCH BODY.

( sobbing )

BLOODY FOOL, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM.

DON'T "BLOODY FOOL" ME.

I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE

BECAUSE I'M SIX FOOT FIVE

AND I EAT PUNKS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.

I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, EVERSLEY!

I'LL GET YOU IF I HAVE TO TRAVEL

TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH!

( western-film theme music playing )

( traditional Egyptian music playing )

( traditional Egyptian music playing )

Woman: THE DIG WAS GOING WELL THAT YEAR.

WE'D DISCOVERED SOME HITTITE BAKING DISHES

FROM THE FIFTH DYNASTY.

AND SIR ROBERT WAS HAPPIER THAN I'D EVER SEEN HIM.

( with organ accompaniment )

TODAY... I HEAR THE ROBIN SING

TODAY... THE THRUSH IS ON THE WING

TODAY WHO KNOWS WHAT LIFE WILL BRING

TODAY...

( aghast ): WHY!

A SUMERIAN DRINKING VESSEL OF THE FOURTH DYNASTY.

TODAY...

CATALOGUE THIS POT, DANIELLE.

IT'S... FOURTH DYNASTY.

( joyously ): OH! IS IT?

YES, IT'S... SUMERIAN.

OH, HOW WONDERFUL!

OH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

I'M HAPPY, TOO.

NOW AT LAST WE KNOW THERE WAS A SUMERIAN INFLUENCE

HERE IN ABU SIMNEL IN THE EARLY PRE-DYNASTIC PERIOD

2,000 YEARS BEFORE THE REIGN OF TUTANKHAMEN.

TODAY... I HEAR THE ROBIN SING

TODAY... THE THRUSH IS ON THE WING

TODAY WHO KNOWS WHAT LIFE WILL BRING...

( music ends discordantly )

ALL RIGHT, EVERSLEY, GET UP OUT OF THAT TRENCH.

DON'T FORGET...

I'M SIX FOOT FIVE.

THAT DOESN'T WORRY ME.

KASTNER!

( whining ): HERE, LORD.

UP!

( grunts )

ELEVEN FOOT THREE?

( maniacally ): I'M SO TALL! I AM SO TALL!

DANIELLE.

( grunts daintily )

ELEVEN FOOT SIX.

DAMN YOU!

ABDUL!

FIFTEEN FOOT FOUR!

MUSTAPHA!

NINETEEN FOOT THREE!

DAMN YOU!

( all grunting breathlessly )

( fists smacking )

( yelping and shouting )

( smacking and shouting continue )

( woman screams )

( men grunting )

UH, AND THERE WE END THIS EDITION OF ARCHAEOLOGY TODA Y.

NEXT WEEK, THE SILBURY DIG BY COLE PORTER

WITH PEARL BAILEY AND ARTHUR NEGUS.

( groans )

AND NOWAN APPEAL FOR SANITY

FROM THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY TODAY

WHO, THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN, ARE SANE.

SOME OF THEM WERE BORN SANE.

SOME OF THEM BECAME SANE LATER IN THEIR LIVES.

IT IS UP TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME

WHO ARE OUT OF OUR TINY LITTLE MINDS...

( laughter )

TO TRY AND HELP THESE PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR SANITY.

YOU CAN START IN SMALL WAYS

WITH PING-PONG BALL EYES AND A FUNNY VOICE

AND THEN YOU CAN PAINT HALF OF YOUR BODY RED

AND THE OTHER HALF GREEN

AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP UP AND DOWN IN A BOWL OF TREACLE

GOING...

( squawking loudly )

AND THEN YOU CAN GO, "NEURH, NEURH, NEURH!"

AND THEN YOU CAN ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR

GOING "PTING, PTING, PTING, PTING."

Man: THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING

IS VICAR OF ST. LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM.

AND NOW...

GOOD EVENING.

MY NAME IS LEAPY LEE.

NO, SORRY-- THAT'S THE NAME OF ME FAVORITE SINGER.

MY NAME IS MRS. FRED STOLLE.

NO, NO, MRS. FRED STOLLE IS

THE WIFE OF ME FAVORITE TENNIS PLAYER.

MY NAME IS BANANAS.

NO, NO, THAT'S ME FAVORITE FRUIT.

I'M MRS. A-NICE-EVENING- OUT-TO-THE-PICTURES-

THEN-PERHAPS-A-DANCE-AT-A-CLUB- THEN-BACK-TO-HIS-PLACE-

FOR-A-QUICK-CUP-OF-COFFEE- AND-A-LITTLE-BIT-OF...

NO, NO, SORRY.

THAT'S ME FAVORITE WAY OF SPENDING A NIGHT OUT.

PERHAPS I AM LEAPY LEE.

YES! I MUST BE LEAPY LEE!

HELLO, FANS. LEAPY LEE HERE.

LITTLE ARROWS THAT WILL...

( phone rings )

HELLO?

EVIDENTLY I'M NOT LEAPY LEE.

I THOUGHT I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE.

THANK YOU, I'LL TELL THEM.

HELLO, DENIS COMPTON HERE.

NO, NO. I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN.

NOW, WHERE'S THAT NUMBER?

I'M MAO ZEDONG.

I'M P.P. ARNOLD.

I'M MARGARET THATCHER.

I'M SIR GERALD NABARRO.

HELLO? SIR LEN HUTTON HERE.

COULD YOU TELL ME, PLEASE...

OH, AM I?

OH, THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING.

I'M MRS. WHAT-NUMBER-ARE- YOU-DIALING-PLEASE?

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

ARE YOU THE REGISTRAR?

I HAVE THAT FUNCTION.

WELL, I WAS HERE ON SATURDAY

GETTING MARRIED TO A BLOND GIRL

AND I'D LIKE TO CHANGE, PLEASE.

I'D LIKE TO HAVE THIS ONE INSTEAD, PLEASE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, THE OTHER ONE

WASN'T ANY GOOD

SO I'D LIKE TO SWAP IT FOR THIS ONE, PLEASE.

I HAVE PAID; I PAID ON SATURDAY.

HERE'S THE TICKET.

AH, NO, THAT WAS WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED.

YES, THAT WAS WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE WRONG ONE.

I DIDN'T LIKE THE COLOR.

THIS IS THE ONE I WANT TO HAVE.

SO, IF YOU COULD JUST CHANGE THE FORMS ROUND

I CAN TAKE THIS ONE BACK WITH ME NOW.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

LOOK, MAKE IT SIMPLE, I'LL PAY AGAIN.

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

LOOK, ALL I WANT YOU TO DO

IS CHANGE THE WIFE

SAY THE WORDS, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"

BACK TO MY PLACE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE.

YOU CAN AT HARRODS.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN; I CHANGED MY RECORD PLAYER

AND THERE WASN'T A GRUMBLE.

IT'S DIFFERENT.

AND I CHANGED MY PET SNAKE.

AND I CHANGED MY ROBIN DAY TIE.

WELL, YOU CAN'T CHANGE A BLOODY WIFE!

OH, ALL RIGHT!

WELL, CAN I BORROW ONE FOR THE WEEKEND?

NO!

OH, BLIMEY!

I ONLY WANTED A JOLLY GOOD...

( loud whistle blows )

ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP.

WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER, THEN?

ALL RIGHT. NAME?

COOK.

( blows whistle )

NEXT, PLEASE. NAME?

UH, WATSON.

MR. WATSON.

UH, NO-- DOCTOR.

AH, MR. DOCTOR.

NO, NOT MISTER-- DOCTOR.

OH. DR. DOCTOR.

NO. DR. WATSON.

DR. WATSON DOCTOR.

OH, JUST CALL ME DARLING.

HELLO, MR. DARLING.

NO-- DOCTOR!

HELLO, DOCTOR DARLING.

( whistle blows )

BUT AT WEMBLEY, PLAY HAD RESUMED.

( whistle blows )

( crowd cheering )

( bass reverberates )

( bass reverberates )

MEANWHILE, NEARBY

THE DA Y WASJUST BEGINNING FOR MUGSY SPANIEL

A CONVICTED GANGSTER AND WELL-KNOWN SWELL GUY.

BREAKFAST, DEAR.

OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.

( humming )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUGSY.

( machine gunfire )

ENJOY THE EGGS.

YES, INDEED, THIS WAS THE WORK OF NONE OTHER THAN EGGS DIAMOND

LEADER OF THE NOTORIOUS CHICKEN GANG.

( audience laughter )

( clucking )

DIMSDALE.

WITH THE CHICKEN GANG OFF THE BLOTTER

A MAN'S LIFE WASN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT WAS PRINTED ON.

ALREADY THERE HAVE BEEN MURDERS COMMITTED HERE AND HERE

AND THE LATEST ONE RIGHT HERE.

( gun fires )

HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

( gasps )

THE POWERFUL FORCES EGGS HAD LOOSED ON THE CITY

WERE TO BE HIS UNDOING.

RETURN WITH US NOW TO THE HIDEOUT.

( rapid gunfire and clucking )

THESE AND OTHER FASCINATING LIES ARE YOURS FOR THE READING

IN THIS BEAUTIFULLY BOUND VOLUME.

BUY IT NOW, SUCKERS.

THIS IS AN IDEAL GIFT-- A MUST FOR ALL YOU OUT THERE

WHO LONG TO SOUND CLEVER AT YOUR NEXT COCKTAIL PARTY.

AH, JOHN...

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.

JOHN STOKES

THIS IS A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.

HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY

CROSS YOUR FACE FOR A MOMENT JUST THEN.

BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY, I'M USED TO IT.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE

OF HAVING A SURNAME LIKE "GIT."

OH... YES, YES.

WE THOUGHT ABOUT CHANGING IT BY DEED-POLL

TO WATSON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED WATSON'S

JUST AS BAD, EH?

YES, YES, I SUPPOSE SO.

OH, THAT'S MY WIFE.

DARLING, COME AND MEET MR.... WHAT WAS IT?

STOKES, JOHN STOKES.

OH, YES. JOHN STOKES, THIS IS MY WIFE

DREARY FAT BORING OLD.

OH, UH, HOW DO YOU DO?

( with a manly voice ): HOW DO YOU DO?

DARLING, THERE YOU ARE.

YES, YES, HERE I AM, YES.

OH, IS THIS YOUR WIFE?

YES, YES, YES, THIS IS THE WIFE.

YES.

UM... DARLING, THESE...

THESE ARE THE GITS.

WHAT?

THE GITS.

OH, HEAVEN'S SAKES, WE ARE BEING FORMAL.

DOES IT HAVE TO BE SURNAMES?

OH, NO, NO.

NOT AT ALL.

UM, NO, THIS... THIS IS MY WIFE, NORAH.

UH... NORAH JANE, NORAH JANE STOKES.

THIS IS SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT.

AND THIS IS HIS WIFE

DREARY FAT BORING OLD GIT.

I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR HUSBAND

WHAT AN AWFUL BORE IT IS

HAVING A SURNAME LIKE GIT.

OH! OH, WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

OH, YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW THE KIDS GET TAUNTED.

WHY, ONLY LAST WEEK DIRTY LYING LITTLE TWO-FACED

CAME RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL, SOBBING HIS EYES OUT

AND OUR YOUNGEST, GHASTLY SPOTTY HORRIBLE VICIOUS LITTLE

IS JUST AT THE AGE

WHEN TAUNTS LIKE "SHE'S A GIT" REALLY HURT.

YES.

DO... DO YOU LIVE ROUND HERE?

YES, WE LIVE UP THE ROAD, NUMBER 49--

YOU CAN'T MISS IT.

WE'VE JUST HAD THE OUTSIDE PAINTED

WITH WARM PUS.

IT'S VERY NICE, ACTUALLY.

GOES NICELY WITH THE VOMIT AND CATARRH

WE'VE HAD SMEARED OVER THE FRONT DOOR.

I THINK WE OUGHT TO BE GOING.

WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN TO COLLECT.

OH, WELL, BRING THEM ROUND FOR TEA TOMORROW.

IT'S GHASTLY SPOTTY CROSS-EYED'S BIRTHDAY

AND SHE'S HAVING A DISEMBOWELING PARTY

FOR A FEW FRIENDS.

THE NAUSEAS WILL BE THERE, AND DOUG AND JANICE MUCUS

AND THE RECTUMS FROM SWANAGE.

AH, JOHN...

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.

JOHN, THIS IS MR. WATSON.

HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY

CROSS YOUR FACE JUST THEN

BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY...

I PREFERRED THE DIRTY VERSION.

WELL, I'VE BEEN A HUNTER ALL MY LIFE.

I LOVE ANIMALS.

THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO KILL 'EM.

I WOULDN'T KILL AN ANIMAL I DIDN'T LIKE.

GOOD DAY, ROY.

Narrator: HANK AND ROY SPIM ARE TOUGH, FEARLESS BACKWOODSMEN

WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE

IN A VIOLENT, UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE'S CREATURES

WHERE ONLY THE FITTEST SURVIVE.

TODAY THEY ARE OFF TO HUNT MOSQUITOES.

Roy: THE MOSQUITO'S A CLEVER LITTLE BASTARD.

YOU CAN TRACK HIM FOR DAYS AND DAYS

UNTIL YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW HIM LIKE A FRIEND.

HE KNOWS YOU'RE THERE, AND YOU KNOW HE'S THERE.

IT'S A GAME OF WITS.

YOU HATE HIM, THEN YOU RESPECT HIM

THEN YOU KILL HIM.

Narrator: SUDDENLY, HANK SPOTS THE MOSQUITO THEY'RE AFTER.

NOW MORE THAN EVER

THEY MUST RELY ON THE SKILLS THEY HAVE LEARNT

FROM A LIFETIME'S HUNTING.

HANK GAUGES THE WIND.

ROY EXAMINES THE MOSQUITO'S SPOOR.

THEN...

IT'S A SUCCESS.

THE MOSQUITO NOW IS DEAD.

BUT ROY MUST MAKE SURE.

Roy: THERE'S NOTHING MORE DANGEROUS THAN A WOUNDED MOSQUITO.

Narrator: BUT THE HUNT IS NOT OVER.

WITH WELL-PRACTICED SKILL, HANK SKINS THE MOSQUITO.

THE WINGS OF A FULLY GROWN MALE MOSQUITO CAN FETCH ANYTHING

UP TO .8 OF A PENNY ON THE OPEN MARKET.

THE LONG DAY IS OVER

AND IT'S BACK TO BASE CAMP FOR A NIGHT'S REST.

HERE, SURROUNDED BY THEIR TROPHIES

ROY AND HANK PREPARE FOR A MUCH TOUGHER ORDEAL-- A MOTH HUNT.

WELL, I FOLLOW THE MOTH IN THE HELICOPTER

TO LURE IT AWAY FROM THE FLOWERS

AND THEN ROY COMES ALONG IN THE LOCKHEED STAR FIGHTER

AND ATTACKS IT WITH AIR-TO-AIR MISSILES.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED US

WHY WE DON'T USE FLY SPRAY.

WELL, WHERE'S THE SPORT IN THAT?

Narrator: FOR ROY, SPORT IS EVERYTHING.

EVER SINCE HE LOST HIS LEFT ARM BATTLING WITH AN ANT

ROY HAS RISKED HIS LIFE IN THE PURSUIT OF TINY CREATURES.

BUT IT'S NOT ALL WORK, AND FOR RELAXATION

THEY LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN A DAY'S FISHING.

WHEREVER THERE IS A CHALLENGE, HANK AND ROY SPIM WILL BE THERE

READY TO CARRY ON THE PRIMORDIAL STRUGGLE

BETWEEN MAN AND INOFFENSIVE, TINY INSECTS.

OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A MORNING

IN THE HIGH COURT.

I COULD STAMP MY LITTLE FEET

THE WAY THOSE Q.C.s CARRY ON.

DON'T I KNOW IT, LOVE.

OBJECTION HERE, OBJECTION THERE.

AND THAT NICE POLICEMAN

GIVING HIS EVIDENCE SO WELL--

BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICE.

WELL, AFTER A BIT

ALL I COULD DO WAS BANG MY LITTLE GAVEL.

YOU WHAT, LOVE?

I BANGED ME GAVEL.

I DID ME "SILENCE IN COURT" BIT.

OH! IF LOOKS COULD KILL

THAT PROSECUTING COUNSEL WOULD BE IN FOR 30 YEARS.

HOW DID YOUR SUMMING UP GO?

I WAS PLEASED, ACTUALLY.

I WAS TRYING TO HAVE A BUTCH VOICE:

( in deep voice ): "WHAT THE JURY MUST UNDERSTAND..."

AND THEY LOVED IT.

I COULD SEE THAT FOREMAN EYEING ME.

REALLY?

YES, CHEEKY DEVIL.

WAS HE THAT TALL MAN WITH...?

NO, JUST A MINUTE, I MUST FINISH.

ANYWAY, I FINISHED UP WITH:

( low voice ): "THE ACTIONS OF THESE VICIOUS MEN

"IS A VIOLENT STAIN ON THE COMMUNITY

"AND THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW

"IS SCARCELY SUFFICIENT

TO DEAL WITH THEIR GHASTLY CRIMES."

AND I WAGGLED MY WIG.

JUST EVER SO SLIGHTLY

BUT IT WAS A STUNNING EFFECT.

OH, I BET IT WAS...

LIKE THAT SUPER TIME I WORE THAT STRIPED ROBE

IN THE MAGISTRATES COURT.

OH, AYE.

HELLO, MRS. THING.

HELLO, MRS. ENTITY.

HOW ARE YOU, THEN?

OH, I HAVE HAD A MORNING.

BUSY?

BUSY? HUH!

I GOT UP AT 5:00

I MADE MYSELF A CUP OF TEA

I LOOKED OUT OF THE WINDOW.

WELL, BY THEN I WAS SO WORN OUT

I HAD TO COME AND HAVE A SIT-DOWN.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SEVEN HOURS.

YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

OH, HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING?

NO, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING.

FUNNY.

I'M WORN OUT.

I'VE BEEN SHOPPING FOR SIX HOURS.

WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT, THEN?

NOTHING.

NOTHING AT ALL.

A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.

WICKED, ISN'T IT?

WICKED, IT'LL BE WORSE

WHEN WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET.

THAT NICE MR. HEATH WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT.

IT'S FUNNY HE NEVER MARRIED.

HE'S A BACHELOR.

OOH! THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT.

OH, DEAR ME

ALL THIS CHATTING AWAY WEARS ME OUT.

YES. I BET MRS. REGINALD MAUDLING

DOESN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS DRUDGERY

GETTING UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING

MAKING A CUP OF TEA

LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, CHATTING AWAY.

NO! IT'D ALL BE DONE FOR HER.

YES, SHE'D HAVE THE WHOLE DAY FREE

FOR PLAYING SNOOKER.

SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO

THROUGH ALL THE DRUDGERY OF PLAYING SNOOKER

DAY IN, DAY OUT.

NO, IT WOULD ALL BE DONE FOR HER.

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO LIFT A CUE.

SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT A BILLIARD ROOM IS.

NO-- STILL, IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THE OLD DAYS.

MRS. STANLEY BALDWIN

USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING

AND GO OUT AND CATCH PARTRIDGES

WITH HER BARE HANDS.

YES, AND MRS. WILLIAM PITT THE ELDER

USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 3:00

AND GO BURROWING FOR TRUFFLES

WITH THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE.

MRS. BEETHOVEN USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT MIDNIGHT

TO SPUR ON THE MYNAH BIRD.

LAZY CREATURES, MYNAH BIRDS.

YES.

WHEN BEETHOVEN WENT DEAF

THE MYNAH BIRD JUST USED TO MIME.

OOH! WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ONLY A FLASHBACK.

( plays first four notes of Symphony No. 5 )

( clicking )

YOU DON'T FOOL ME, YOU STUPID MYNAH BIRD.

I'M NOT DEAF YET.

JUST YOU WAIT.

( laughs )

OH! BUGGER.

SHUT UP!

RIGHT IN THE WING.

SHUT YOUR BEAK!

GOTT IN HIMMEL, I NEVER GET ANY PEACE HERE.

( plays first seven notes of Symphony No. 5 )

( plays the wrong note and repeats )

LUDWIG!

WHAT?!

HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUGAR BOWL?!

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE BLOODY SUGAR BOWL!

YOU KNOW, THE SUGAR BOWL!

SOD THE SUGAR BOWL!

I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS STINKING TUNE!

( cries )

IT'S DRIVING ME SPARE!

SO SHUT UP!

( continues playing first notes of Symphony No. 5 )

( switches to opening bars of "Washington Post March" )

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

( switches back to first notes of Symphony No. 5 )

LUDWIG, HAVE YOU SEEN THE JAM SPOON?!

STUFF THE JAM SPOON!

IT WAS IN THE SUGAR BOWL!

LOOK, GET OUT, YOU OLD RAT-BAG!

BUZZ OFF AND SHUT UP!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SEE IN THAT PIANO!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

( plays first eight notes of Symphony No. 5 correctly )

( laughing ): I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT!

( plays first seven notes )

DO YOU WANT PEANUT BUTTER

OR SANDWICH SPREAD FOR YOUR TEA?

WHAT?!

PEANUT BUTTER!

I'VE FORGOTTEN IT!

I HAD IT! I HAD IT!

DO YOU WANT PEANUT BUTTER

OR SANDWICH SPREAD?!

I DON'T CARE!

OOH! I DON'T KNOW.

( fumbling around, attempting first notes of Symphony No. 5 )

I HAD IT.

I HAD IT, YOU OLD BAG.

MEIN LIEBER GOTT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

( clanking and banging )

WHAT'S THAT?!

IT'S THE PLUMBER!

( clanking and banging continue )

GOTT IN HIMMEL, I'M GOING OUT!

WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING OUT

DON'T FORGET WE'VE GOT THE MENDELSSOHNS COMING FOR TEA

SO DON'T FORGET TO ORDER SOME PIKELETS!

PIKELETS! PIKELETS!

SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD THIS TROUBLE.

DO YOU WANT TO BET?

INCIDENTALLY, IT'S...

( hums first eight notes of Symphony No. 5 )

YOU'RE RIGHT!

INCIDENTALLY, WHY NOT CALL HIM HAMLET?

HAMLET! I LIKE, MUCH BETTER THAN DAVID.

MICHELANGELO, YOU CAN USE DAVID.

I WON'T SUE.

THANKS, BUT I'VE HAD A BETTER IDEA.

Woman: MICHELANGELO!

YES, DEAR!

I'VE HAD ANOTHER SON.

OH, MY LIFE.

COMPOSER?

I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY SON.

HE'S A SENSITIVE BOY, ALREADY.

I'D RATHER HE WAS A SEWAGE ATTENDANT OR A RAT CATCHER.

AHA! RATS AT 42A KARTOFFELNSTRASSE.

HEY, MITZI! I'VE GOT TO GO TO POTATO STREET.

Mitzi: PUT YOUR GALOSHES ON.

DEPRESSED BY RATS?

DO MICE GET YOU DOWN?

THEN WHY NOT VISIT COLIN MOZART'S

RODENT EXTERMINATING BOUTIQUE?

RATS EXTIRPATED, MICE PUNISHED

VOLES TORN APART BY COLIN MOZART

MUNICH'S LEADING FURRY ANIMAL LIQUIDATOR.

( doorbell chimes )

YES?

COLIN MOZART.

OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'VE COME.

WE'RE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME

WITH THEM BLEEDING RATS.

I THINK THEY LIVE

IN HIS STUPID PIANO ALREADY.

Beethoven: GET OUT THE BLOODY PIANO

YOU STUPID, FURRY, BUCKTOOTHED GITS!

GET OUT!

( continues trying to compose Symphony No. 5 )

GOTT IN HIMMEL!

GET YOUR STINKING TAIL OUT OF MY FACE.

SHUT UP!

SO ANYWAY, BEETHOVEN WAS RATHER GLAD

WHEN HE WENT DEAF.

Jimmy Durante: ...SO LET'S CELEBRATE

I'M FEELING GREAT

I'M THE GUY THAT FOUND THE LOST CHORD.

WELL, I WAS EVER SO GLAD

THEY ABOLISHED HANGING, YOU KNOW

BECAUSE THAT BLACK CAP JUST DIDN'T SUIT ME.

YES, DO YOU REMEMBER

THE GLASGOW TREASON TRIAL?

OH, YES, I WORE A BODY STOCKING ALL THROUGH IT.

NO, HEN, AT THE PARTY AFTERWARDS.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE WALKING OUT

WITH THAT VERY BUTCH CLERK OF THE COURT.

THAT'S RIGHT-- HE MADE ME WANT TO TURN QUEEN'S EVIDENCE.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]

...SPECIALLY IN THAT ARSON CASE.

WHAT WAS THE VERDICT?

THEY PREFERRED THE BROWN WIG.

I LOVE THE SCOTTISH ASSIZES.

I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN

BY A REALLY WELL HUNG JURY.

OH! GET BACK IN THE WITNESS BOX.

YOU'RE TOO SHARP TO LIVE.

I'LL SMACK YOUR LITTLE BOTTY!

HAVE YOU TRIED THAT NEW BODY RUB J.P.s USE?

I HAD A MAGISTRATE IN BRADFORD YESTERDAY.

FUNNILY ENOUGH I FELT LIKE ONE

IN A LUNCHTIME RECESS TODAY.

BUT THE ONES I REALLY LIKE

ARE THOSE VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCERS ON THE BBC--

YOU KNOW, AFTER THE PROGRAMS ARE OVER.

OH, AYE-- COURSE, THEY'RE BENT AS SAFETY PINS.

I KNOW, BUT THEY'VE GOT BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICES:

"AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION."

"HERE ARE TONIGHT'S FOOTBALL RESULTS."

Both: MMM...

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