Original subtitles

Narrator: IN THE FIFTH CENTURY

AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED

THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED

TO THE BARBARIAN HORDES TO THE EAST.

ALARIC THE VISIGOTH, GAISERIC THE VANDAL

AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD

IN A REIGN OF TERROR.

BUT NONE SURPASSED IN POWER AND CRUELTY

THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S THEATTILA THE HUN SHOW.

( audience laughter )

(The Debbie ReynoLds Show theme song plays )

Man: WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE

OPEN YOUR HEART AND SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED

WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE

FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED

MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE

GETTING SOME SUN IN YOUR LIFE

MAKING ALL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY

GETTING SOME SUN IN YOUR LIFE

AND YOU CAN LIGHT

LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY

COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY

CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY

WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE

WITH A LITTLE LOVE

Chorus: JUSTA LITTLE LOVE

WITH A LITTLE LOVE...

Narrator: IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY

THE HUNS BECAMEA BYWORD FOR MERCILESS SA VAGERY.

THEIR KHAN WAS THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.

WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES, HE SWEPTACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.

( in American accent ): OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!

( canned laughter )

HELLO, DARLING.

HAVE A BUSY DAY AT THE OFFICE?

NOT AT ALL BAD.

ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.

( canned laughter )

WELL, I WON'T SAY I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU

BUT, BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!

( canned laughter )

( canned cheering )

HI, DADDY.

( canned laughter )

HI, DADDY.

( canned laughter )

HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.

( canned cheering )

HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU TWO KIDS

IN THAT BAG.

IN THAT BAG.

( canned laughter )

I WANT YOU KIDS TO GET "A-HEAD."

( canned laughter and cheering )

HEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.

( canned applause )

HI, UNCLE TOM.

THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS

TO SEE Y'ALL.

( canned laughter )

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

IT'S...

( canned cheering )

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends with fart )

YES, IT'SATTILA THE NUN!

A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.

( grunting, growling )

NURSE!

HELLO, MISS NORRIS, HOW ARE YOU?

NOT TOO BAD, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

YES, WELL, I THINK I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.

UM, WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?

Doctor: UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT

THEY'RE STUDENTS.

UM... LIGHT, PLEASE, NURSE.

OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.

( striptease musicplays )

BREATHE IN... OUT.

Doctor: IN... OUT.

IN...

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

CHARLES CROMPTON, THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.

AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB

FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE

FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.

GOOD EVENING.

TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE

OUR POSITION ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES

AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.

( striptease musicplaying )

NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE, THEORETICALLY

IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES

WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY

TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.

BUT THIS WOULD HAVE THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING

OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.

BUT I PLEDGE THAT, SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET

EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT POSITION ON SUBSIDIES

WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE, WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE

OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.

A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES

WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS

OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.

( laughter )

SO THAT TOGETHER WE WILL MAINTAIN

A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE

IN WORLD TRADE AND FOR WORLD PEACE.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

( scattered applause )

WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?

THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.

AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE

FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.

( belly dancing musicplays )

( "Pomp and Circumstance"plays )

Narrator: YES, TODA Y IN BRITAIN THERE IS

A NEW WA VE OF INTEREST IN POLITICSAND POLITICIANS.

WELL, WE'RE IN IT FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.

WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.

AND THE DEBATES.

YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE IS JUST FABULOUS.

WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.

OH, YES, I LIKE CIVIL SERVANTS.

OH, YES, THEY'RE NICE.

I... I LIKE THE SPEAKER.

OH, YEAH.

I LIKE BLACK ROD.

WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?

WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS, THE LITTLE BASTARD.

SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE

AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.

( door closes )

HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?

YES, I BLOODY TOLD 'EM.

WHAT ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WAS IT REGINALD BOSANQUET?

NO, NO, NO.

DID HE HAVE HIS HEAD ALL BANDAGED?

NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.

THEY HAD LOTS OF LIGHTS

AND CAMERAS AND TAPE RECORDERS

ALL THAT SORT OF THING.

OH, THAT'LL BE RAY BAXTER

AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.

OOH, I PREFER REGINALD BOSANQUET.

THERE'S NOT SO MANY OF 'EM.

( doorbell rings )

OH, THAT'LL BE THE RATCATCHER.

HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?

YES?

WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL

WELL, HOW VERY NICE.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE

AND I'M VERY PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU

THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN

AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.

REALLY?

NO, IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE.

ACTUALLY I'M THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.

OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

OH, I GATHER YOU'VE GOT

A LITTLE RODENTAL PROBLEM.

OH, BLIMEY! YOU'D THINK

HE WAS AWAKE ALL THE NIGHT

SCRABBLING DOWN BY THE WAINSCOTTING.

MMM, THAT'S AN INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?

WHAT?

WAINSCOTTING.

WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.

SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE DORSET VILLAGE.

WAINSCOTTING.

WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!

UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?

WELL, DOWN HERE

YOU CAN USUALLY HEAR THEM.

SHH! SHH! SHH!

( bleating )

NO, THAT'S SHEEP YOU'VE GOT THERE.

( bleating continues )

NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY SHEEP.

A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.

IS IT?

YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S "A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND

TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE

AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING TO FIT INTO A TRAP.

OH, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.

OH, YEAH.

UH... OOH...

HEY! THERE'S ONE HERE.

NO, NO, NO, THAT'S MICE.

( laughter )

OH! THIS IS WHAT WE'RE AFTER!

( laughter )

EXCUSE ME, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE?

NO, NO, THAT WAS A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.

( laughter )

RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING IN THE WAINSCOTTING.

THEY SAID IT AGAIN!

LAY DOWN SOME SHEEP POISON.

OOH.

( bleating )

( gunshot )

( yelling in pain )

OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!

OOH! BLIMEY.

NOW, NORMALLY A SHEEP IS

A PLACID, TIMID CREATURE

BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!

( laughter )

IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN OF SHEEP-- A KILLER SHEEP

THAT CAN NOT ONLY HOLD A RIFLE

BUT IS ALSO A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.

BUT WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?

THAT I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

I'M AFRAID I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU

I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT...

THANK YOU.

I DON'T KNOW.

OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING

WHICH THE KILLER SHEEP...

WAS WEARING...

IN YESTERDAY'S RAID ON SELFRIDGES.

I'LL CARRY OUT TESTS ON IT

STRAIGHT AWAY, PROFESSOR.

( inJamaican accent ): HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?

( laughter )

PROFESSOR, THERE ARE SOME CRICKETERS

IN THE LABORATORY.

THIS MAY BE EVEN MORE SERIOUS

THAN EVEN I HAD AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.

WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.

THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE!

GET ME THE CHIEF COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.

YES, SIR.

NO, NO, ON THE PHONE!

LOOK OF FEAR!

ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.

LOOK OUT, MISS GARTER OIL!

PROFESSOR, WHAT IS IT?

WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?

LOOK, THERE IN THE DOORWAY!

( screams )

ARTHUR X, LEADER OF THE PENNINE GANG.

DON'T NOBODY MOVE.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN' PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.

BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.

( gunfire )

NEXT-- BASIL, YOU AND THE KID-- MOVE.

( gunfire )

OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.

( explosion )

( banjo and bass play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )

BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS

WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.

PUSSYCATS BEGAN TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.

COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.

AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE TELEVISION PROGRAMS.

IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.

GOOD EVENING, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.

NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY

WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH- OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION

WITH A BOLLARD.

THAT IS A BOLLARD AND NOT A PARROT.

A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID

HE WAS GLAD NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.

( laughter )

THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS

TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL.

NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE

OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE WOODEN TRAPEZE

OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE MILLET SEED-- YUM, YUM.

THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.

NOW OUR PROGRAMS FOR PARROTS CONTINUE

WITH PART THREE OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES

SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.

THE STORY SO FAR:

DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND, AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.

HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY

WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED

IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE

WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.

DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY TENDING HER AGED FATHER.

( imitating parrot ): 'ALLO, 'ALLO!

'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!

WHO'S A PRETTY BOY, THEN?

WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?

( all squawking at once )

AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.

NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...

Announcer: AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER

ISA PARLIAMENTARY REPORT FOR HUMANS.

IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT

OF BEING SILLY AND DOING NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.

THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM

BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.

ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT THE WATERMELON, THEN?"

WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD

AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE LAVVY.

ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS WOULD BE CUT OFF

AND DISTRIBUTED AMONGST THE POOR.

FOR THE GOVERNMENT, A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID

THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED

AND HE FANCIED A BIT.

FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED

THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN

TO HIM, HIS FRIEND AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.

FROM THE BACK BENCHES

THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"

AND A HEALTHY CRY OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"

FROM THE MINISTER WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.

( laughter )

REPLYING, THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID

HE COULD NO LONGER DENY THE RUMORS

BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND WERE VERY HAPPY.

AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED, RHUBARB WAS CHEAP

AND WHAT WAS THE HARM IN A SAUNA BATH.

...WERE NOT INVOLVED.

THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY

TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL.

NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS TO AUSTRALIA

CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES

OR ATE ANY OF THOSE YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.

YUM, YUM.

THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS, AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!

( shouting viciously )

WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR ATTILA THE BUN.

AND NOW, IDIOTS.

Announcer: ARTHUR FIGGIS ISAN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT.

TONIGHT WE LOOK AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.

( intelligently ): WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY

THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM

AND, AS SUCH, HAS A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY

IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY, BECAUSE, YOU SEE...

OOH, AR, OOH, AR!

( babbling incoherently )

OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.

BECAUSE THERE IS THIS VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY

FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.

AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...

( babbling )

THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.

THIS IS THE ROLE THAT I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY

HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.

AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.

I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.

YES, SPLENDID.

THAT'S MR. JENKINS, HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.

AND SO, YOU SEE, THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE

A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE FOR THIS COMMUNITY.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.

I SHALL HAVE TO FALL OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.

( babbling )

( crash )

ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING SERIOUSLY.

HE IS UP AT 6::00 EVERY MORNING

WORKING ON SPECIAL TRAINING EQUIPMENT

DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.

( laughter )

AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN HISAPPEARANCE.

LIKE THE DOCTOR, THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER

MR. FIGGIS ISAN IMPORTANT FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.

LIKE THEM, HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.

YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.

Interviewer: WHAT KIND OF MONEY

IS THERE IN IDIOTTING?

WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE

ANYTHING UP TO &$10,000 A YEAR

IF HE'S THE HEAD OF SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.

BUT, OF COURSE, THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT

STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.

HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD

DEAD BUDGERIGARS, SPARROWS, ANYTHING.

BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S JOB VERY DIFFICULT.

BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE FOOLS TO THEMSELVES

BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST OVER TEN YEARS

ON A PIECE OF MOSS OR A DEAD VOLE

IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.

Man: MR. BRANDO!

YES?

HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.

I'LL TAKE IT IN THE OFFICE.

BUTMR. FIGGIS IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.

HE ISA LECTURER IN IDIOCY

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EASTANGLIA.

HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.

( babbling and singing )

AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY

THESEAPPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY

A HANDFUL OFMUD...

AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.

SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT THE GRADUATE IDIOT.

I'M A COMPLETELY SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.

I MEAN... ( mumbles incoherently )

NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.

ANYBODY WHO DID THAT ROUND HERE

WOULD BE LAUGHED OFF THE STREET.

NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.

KEVIN O'NASSIS WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.

WHOA!

O'Nassis: WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M MAD.

THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD, THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.

WELL, I AM MAD, BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.

I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.

WHOA!

BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S PRIVATE LIFE?

HOWABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN?

WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT I'M NO FOOL.

( laughter )

BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING

AREA FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.

WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?

( screeching unintelligibly )

UH... UH...

( mumbling unintelligibly )

THE HEADQUARTERS OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS

IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.

INSIDE, THEY CAN ENJOY THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS

AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.

WELL LEFT.

WELL-PLAYED.

WELL, WELL.

WELL-BRED.

( groans )

Commentator: GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO LORDS

ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE FIRST TEST.

SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND

AND ALREADY THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.

COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT, AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.

KNOTT IS IN AND IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.

NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT

IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT, BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.

NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.

NOT NUTTING-- NUTTING'S AT NINE.

NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE KNOCK... KNOCK...

( babbling )

ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING--

NOT A SAUSAGE-- IN REPLY

TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED

SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS

WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING AND BOUNDARIES

AND ALL SORTS OF RUBBISHY THINGS.

BUT THE MAIN THING IS THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE

AN ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.

( wheezes, then sniffs )

PETER?

SPLENDID.

JUST LISTEN TO THOSE THIGHS.

AND NOW IT'S THE NORTH EAST'S TURN WITH THE SAMBA-- BRIAN?

RATHER I'M REMINDED OF THE STORY

OF GUBBY ALLEN IN '32...

OH, SHUT UP OR WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.

AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.

HE RUNS UP, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...

AND NO SHOT AT ALL.

EXTREMELY WELL NOT PLAYED THERE.

YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.

A SUPERB SHOT OF NO KIND WHATSOEVER.

I WELL REMEMBER PLUM WARNER

LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR BALL ALONE IN 1732.

OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.

( laughter )

AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG RUNNING IN AGAIN

TO BOWL TO COWDREY.

HE RUNS IN, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...

AND NO SHOT AT ALL.

A SUPERB DISPLAY OF INERTIA THERE.

AND THAT'S THE END OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.

GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.

NO, NO, THE PLAYERS ARE HAVING DRINKS.

AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...

YES, COWDREY IS BEING CARRIED OFF.

WELL, I NEVER!

NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?

IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE, NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.

GET YOUR HAND OFF MY THIGH, WEST.

NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.

I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA... NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.

THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE

TO TAKE GUARD NOW.

I WELL REMEMBER A SIMILAR DIVAN

BEING BROUGHT ON AT HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.

AGAINST THE DARKIES.

OH, SHUT UP, ELEPHANT SNOUT.

AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD HAS TAKEN GUARD

AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.

THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK TO HIS MARK

IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET, BOWLS TO THE TABLE...

A LITTLE BIT SHORT, BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE

AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!

THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE IS OUT-- LEG BEFORE WICKET.

THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.

AND NOW WE LEA VE LORDSAND GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3::00.

Commentator: WELL, HERE AT EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING

WITH 50 YARDS OF THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO

AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.

TUCKED IN NICELY THERE IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL

WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX

MAKING A GOOD RUN FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.

AND THE STANDARD LAMP IS FADING FAST

BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW

BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.

AT THE POST, IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.

THEN SOFA, HAT STAND, STANDARD LAMP

AND LASTLY, JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.

OPEN THE BOX! OPEN THE BOX!

OPEN THE BOX!

OPEN THE BOX!

AND COULD WE HAVE THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?

( audience laughter )

( chuckling )

GOOD EVENING, MADAM.

AND YOUR NAME IS?

YES, YES.

AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I GO TO CHURCH REGULARLY.

JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.

AND WHICH PRIZE DO YOU HAVE

PARTICULAR EYES ON THIS EVENING?

OH, I'D LIKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

JUST THERE.

JOLLY GOOD.

WELL, YOUR FIRST QUESTION

FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD THIS EVENING IS:

WHAT GREAT OPPONENT OF CARTESIAN DUALISM

RESISTS THE REDUCTION OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA

TO PHYSICAL STATES?

I DON'T KNOW THAT!

WELL, HAVE A GUESS.

HENRI BERGSON.

IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!

OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.

I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.

JOLLY GOOD.

I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.

( chortling )

WHO DOES?

AND NOW YOUR SECOND QUESTION

FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD IS:

WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD THAT PENGUINS EAT?

PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.

NO.

SPAM?

NO, NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?

PENGUINS.

PENGUINS?

YES.

I HATE PENGUINS.

NO, NO, NO.

THEY EAT THEMSELVES.

NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?

HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!

NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?

OH, PENGUINS.

PENGUINS.

CANNELLONI.

LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA, LOBSTER THERMIDOR

ESCALOPES DE VEAU A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES

GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.

NO, I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

AH! BRIAN CLOSE.

( laughter )

NO, NO.

BRIAN INGLIS, BRIAN JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES.

NO, NO.

NANETTE NEWMAN.

NO, WHAT SWIMS IN THE SEA

AND GETS CAUGHT IN NETS?

HENRI BERGSON.

NO!

GOATS.

UNDERWATER GOATS WITH SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.

A BUFFALO WITH AN AQUALUNG.

NO.

REGINALD MAUDLING.

YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM, YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.

DO YOU STILL WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?

YES, YES.

I'LL OFFER YOU A POKE IN THE EYE.

NO, I WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

A PUNCH IN THE THROAT?

NO!

ALL RIGHT THEN, A KICK IN THE KNEECAP.

NO.

MRS. SCUM, I'M OFFERING YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH

AND A DAGGER UP THE STRAP.

( hesitantly ): ER...

Audience members ( shouting ): TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!

NO, I'LL TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

VERY WELL THEN, MRS. SCUM

YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE--

THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!

( ding )

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]

( applause )

( music ends with fart )

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