All language subtitles for Monty Pythons Flying Circus s02e07 The Attila the Hun Show.eng

Narrator:
IN THE FIFTH CENTURY

AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY
ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED

THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN
EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED

TO THE BARBARIAN
HORDES TO THE EAST.

ALARIC THE VISIGOTH,
GAISERIC THE VANDAL

AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH
IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD

IN A REIGN OF TERROR.

BUT NONE SURPASSED
IN POWER AND CRUELTY

THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.

Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S THEATTILA THE HUN SHOW.

( audience laughter )

(The Debbie ReynoLds Show
theme song plays )

Man:
WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE

OPEN YOUR HEART AND
SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED

WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE

FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED

MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE

GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE

MAKING ALL
THE CLOUDS ROLL BY

GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE

AND YOU CAN LIGHT

LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY

COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY

CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY

WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE

WITH A LITTLE LOVE

Chorus:
JUSTA LITTLE LOVE

WITH A LITTLE LOVE...

Narrator:
IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY

THE HUNS BECAMEA BYWORD
FOR MERCILESS SA VAGERY.

THEIR KHAN WAS
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.

WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES,
HE SWEPTACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.

( in American accent ):
OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!

( canned laughter )

HELLO, DARLING.

HAVE A BUSY DAY
AT THE OFFICE?

NOT AT ALL BAD.

ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP
ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.

( canned laughter )

WELL, I WON'T SAY
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU

BUT, BOY, AM I
GLAD TO SEE YOU!

( canned laughter )

( canned cheering )

HI, DADDY.

( canned laughter )

HI, DADDY.

( canned laughter )

HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.

( canned cheering )

HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT
FOR YOU TWO KIDS

IN THAT BAG.

IN THAT BAG.

( canned laughter )

I WANT YOU KIDS
TO GET "A-HEAD."

( canned laughter and cheering )

HEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.

( canned applause )

HI, UNCLE TOM.

THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE
O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS

TO SEE Y'ALL.

( canned laughter )

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

IT'S...

( canned cheering )

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends with fart )

YES, IT'SATTILA THE NUN!

A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK
A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.

( grunting, growling )

NURSE!

HELLO, MISS NORRIS,
HOW ARE YOU?

NOT TOO BAD,
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

YES, WELL, I THINK
I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.

UM, WHAT ARE
THEY DOING HERE?

Doctor:
UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT

THEY'RE STUDENTS.

UM... LIGHT,
PLEASE, NURSE.

OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.

( striptease musicplays )

BREATHE IN... OUT.

Doctor:
IN... OUT.

IN...

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

CHARLES CROMPTON,
THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.

AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB

FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE

FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.

GOOD EVENING.

TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE

OUR POSITION
ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES

AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR
COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.

( striptease musicplaying )

NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE,
THEORETICALLY

IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES

WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED
FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY

TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES
AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.

BUT THIS WOULD HAVE
THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING

OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS
FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.

BUT I PLEDGE THAT,
SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET

EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT
POSITION ON SUBSIDIES

WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE,
WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE

OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.

A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED
TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES

WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED
TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS

OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.

( laughter )

SO THAT TOGETHER
WE WILL MAINTAIN

A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY
BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE

IN WORLD TRADE
AND FOR WORLD PEACE.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

( scattered applause )

WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?

THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.

AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE

FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS
AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.

( belly dancing musicplays )

( "Pomp and
Circumstance"plays )

Narrator:
YES, TODA Y IN BRITAIN THERE IS

A NEW WA VE OF INTEREST
IN POLITICSAND POLITICIANS.

WELL, WE'RE IN IT
FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.

WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.

AND THE DEBATES.

YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE
IS JUST FABULOUS.

WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH
MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.

OH, YES, I LIKE
CIVIL SERVANTS.

OH, YES,
THEY'RE NICE.

I... I LIKE
THE SPEAKER.

OH, YEAH.

I LIKE
BLACK ROD.

WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?

WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS,
THE LITTLE BASTARD.

SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE

AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE
AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.

( door closes )

HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO
TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?

YES, I BLOODY
TOLD 'EM.

WHAT ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WAS IT REGINALD
BOSANQUET?

NO, NO, NO.

DID HE HAVE HIS
HEAD ALL BANDAGED?

NO, IT WASN'T
LIKE THAT.

THEY HAD LOTS
OF LIGHTS

AND CAMERAS AND
TAPE RECORDERS

ALL THAT SORT
OF THING.

OH, THAT'LL
BE RAY BAXTER

AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS
FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.

OOH, I PREFER
REGINALD BOSANQUET.

THERE'S NOT SO
MANY OF 'EM.

( doorbell rings )

OH, THAT'LL BE
THE RATCATCHER.

HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?

YES?

WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL

WELL, HOW VERY NICE.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN
OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE

AND I'M VERY PLEASED
TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU

THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN

AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST
AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.

REALLY?

NO, IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE JOKE.

ACTUALLY I'M
THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.

OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOU.

OH, I GATHER
YOU'VE GOT

A LITTLE
RODENTAL PROBLEM.

OH, BLIMEY!
YOU'D THINK

HE WAS AWAKE
ALL THE NIGHT

SCRABBLING DOWN
BY THE WAINSCOTTING.

MMM, THAT'S AN
INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?

WHAT?

WAINSCOTTING.

WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.

SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE
DORSET VILLAGE.

WAINSCOTTING.

WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!

UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?

WELL, DOWN HERE

YOU CAN USUALLY
HEAR THEM.

SHH! SHH! SHH!

( bleating )

NO, THAT'S SHEEP
YOU'VE GOT THERE.

( bleating continues )

NO, THAT'S
DEFINITELY SHEEP.

A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.

IS IT?

YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S
"A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND

TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE

AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING
TO FIT INTO A TRAP.

OH, WHAT
YOU GONNA DO?

WELL, WE'LL HAVE
TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.

OH, YEAH.

UH... OOH...

HEY! THERE'S
ONE HERE.

NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S MICE.

( laughter )

OH! THIS IS
WHAT WE'RE AFTER!

( laughter )

EXCUSE ME,
IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE?

NO, NO, THAT WAS
A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.

( laughter )

RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING
IN THE WAINSCOTTING.

THEY SAID IT AGAIN!

LAY DOWN SOME
SHEEP POISON.

OOH.

( bleating )

( gunshot )

( yelling in pain )

OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!

OOH! BLIMEY.

NOW, NORMALLY
A SHEEP IS

A PLACID,
TIMID CREATURE

BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!

( laughter )

IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN
OF SHEEP-- A KILLER SHEEP

THAT CAN NOT
ONLY HOLD A RIFLE

BUT IS ALSO
A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.

BUT WHERE ARE THEY
COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?

THAT I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

I'M AFRAID I REALLY
JUST DON'T KNOW.

I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU

I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.

I'M AFRAID I HAVE
TO TELL YOU THAT...

THANK YOU.

I DON'T KNOW.

OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS
PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING

WHICH THE
KILLER SHEEP...

WAS WEARING...

IN YESTERDAY'S RAID
ON SELFRIDGES.

I'LL CARRY OUT
TESTS ON IT

STRAIGHT AWAY,
PROFESSOR.

( inJamaican accent ):
HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?

( laughter )

PROFESSOR, THERE
ARE SOME CRICKETERS

IN THE LABORATORY.

THIS MAY BE EVEN
MORE SERIOUS

THAN EVEN I HAD
AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.

WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.

THERE'S NO
TIME TO WASTE!

GET ME THE CHIEF
COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.

YES, SIR.

NO, NO,
ON THE PHONE!

LOOK OF FEAR!

ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.

LOOK OUT,
MISS GARTER OIL!

PROFESSOR,
WHAT IS IT?

WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?

LOOK, THERE
IN THE DOORWAY!

( screams )

ARTHUR X, LEADER
OF THE PENNINE GANG.

DON'T NOBODY MOVE.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN'
PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.

BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.

( gunfire )

NEXT-- BASIL, YOU
AND THE KID-- MOVE.

( gunfire )

OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME
WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.

( explosion )

( banjo and bass play
"Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )

BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP
BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS

WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.

PUSSYCATS BEGAN
TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.

COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN
TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.

AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE
TELEVISION PROGRAMS.

IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.

GOOD EVENING,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.

NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED
IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY

WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH-
OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION

WITH A BOLLARD.

THAT IS A BOLLARD
AND NOT A PARROT.

A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID

HE WAS GLAD
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.

( laughter )

THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY
MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS

TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.

NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE

OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE
WOODEN TRAPEZE

OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE
MILLET SEED-- YUM, YUM.

THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.

NOW OUR PROGRAMS
FOR PARROTS CONTINUE

WITH PART THREE
OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES

SPECIALLY ADAPTED
FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.

THE STORY SO FAR:

DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND,
AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.

HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS
HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY

WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED

IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF
THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE

WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED
MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.

DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY
TENDING HER AGED FATHER.

( imitating parrot ):
'ALLO, 'ALLO!

'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!

WHO'S A PRETTY
BOY, THEN?

WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?

( all squawking at once )

AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.

NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...

Announcer:
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER

ISA PARLIAMENTARY REPORT
FOR HUMANS.

IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN
ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT

OF BEING SILLY AND DOING
NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.

THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS
IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM

BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN
NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.

ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT
THE WATERMELON, THEN?"

WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER
TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD

AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG
IN THE LAVVY.

ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS
WOULD BE CUT OFF

AND DISTRIBUTED
AMONGST THE POOR.

FOR THE GOVERNMENT,
A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID

THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF
WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED

AND HE FANCIED A BIT.

FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED

THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST
TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN

TO HIM, HIS FRIEND
AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.

FROM THE BACK BENCHES

THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS
OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"

AND A HEALTHY CRY
OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"

FROM THE MINISTER
WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.

( laughter )

REPLYING,
THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID

HE COULD NO LONGER DENY
THE RUMORS

BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND
WERE VERY HAPPY.

AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED,
RHUBARB WAS CHEAP

AND WHAT WAS THE HARM
IN A SAUNA BATH.

...WERE NOT INVOLVED.

THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET
THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY

TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.

NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS
TO AUSTRALIA

CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES

OR ATE ANY OF THOSE
YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.

YUM, YUM.

THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS,
AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!

( shouting viciously )

WELL, THAT'S ALL
FOR ATTILA THE BUN.

AND NOW, IDIOTS.

Announcer:
ARTHUR FIGGIS ISAN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT.

TONIGHT WE LOOK
AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.

( intelligently ):
WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY

THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART
OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM

AND, AS SUCH, HAS
A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY

IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY,
BECAUSE, YOU SEE...

OOH, AR, OOH, AR!

( babbling incoherently )

OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.

BECAUSE THERE IS THIS
VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY

FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE
CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.

AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...

( babbling )

THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.

THIS IS THE ROLE THAT
I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY

HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.

AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.

I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR
HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.

YES, SPLENDID.

THAT'S MR. JENKINS,
HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.

AND SO, YOU SEE,
THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE

A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE
FOR THIS COMMUNITY.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.

I SHALL HAVE TO FALL
OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.

( babbling )

( crash )

ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING
SERIOUSLY.

HE IS UP AT 6::00 EVERY MORNING

WORKING ON SPECIAL
TRAINING EQUIPMENT

DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.

( laughter )

AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES
GREAT PRIDE IN HISAPPEARANCE.

LIKE THE DOCTOR,
THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER

MR. FIGGIS ISAN IMPORTANT
FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.

LIKE THEM,
HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.

YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER
OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.

Interviewer:
WHAT KIND OF MONEY

IS THERE
IN IDIOTTING?

WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY
BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE

ANYTHING UP TO &$10,000 A YEAR

IF HE'S THE HEAD OF
SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.

BUT, OF COURSE,
THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT

STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.

HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD

DEAD BUDGERIGARS,
SPARROWS, ANYTHING.

BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S
JOB VERY DIFFICULT.

BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE
FOOLS TO THEMSELVES

BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST
OVER TEN YEARS

ON A PIECE OF MOSS
OR A DEAD VOLE

IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.

Man:
MR. BRANDO!

YES?

HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.

I'LL TAKE IT
IN THE OFFICE.

BUTMR. FIGGIS
IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.

HE ISA LECTURER IN IDIOCY

AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF EASTANGLIA.

HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS
OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.

( babbling and singing )

AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY

THESEAPPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE
A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY

A HANDFUL OFMUD...

AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.

SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT
THE GRADUATE IDIOT.

I'M A COMPLETELY
SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.

I MEAN...
( mumbles incoherently )

NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.

ANYBODY WHO DID THAT
ROUND HERE

WOULD BE LAUGHED
OFF THE STREET.

NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE
WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.

KEVIN O'NASSIS
WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.

WHOA!

O'Nassis:
WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE
THINK I'M MAD.

THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD,
THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.

WELL, I AM MAD,
BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.

I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.

WHOA!

BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S
PRIVATE LIFE?

HOWABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH WOMEN?

WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT,
BUT I'M NO FOOL.

( laughter )

BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S
DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING

AREA FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN
WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.

WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO
THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?

( screeching unintelligibly )

UH... UH...

( mumbling unintelligibly )

THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS

IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.

INSIDE, THEY CAN ENJOY
THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS

AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES
OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.

WELL LEFT.

WELL-PLAYED.

WELL, WELL.

WELL-BRED.

( groans )

Commentator:
GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO LORDS

ON THE SECOND DAY
OF THE FIRST TEST.

SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE
HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND

AND ALREADY
THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.

COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT,
AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.

KNOTT IS IN AND
IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.

NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT
A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT

IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT,
BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.

NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.

NOT NUTTING-- NUTTING'S AT NINE.

NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE
KNOCK... KNOCK...

( babbling )

ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED
EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING--

NOT A SAUSAGE-- IN REPLY

TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL
OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED

SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY
FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS

WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING
AND BOUNDARIES

AND ALL SORTS
OF RUBBISHY THINGS.

BUT THE MAIN THING IS
THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE

AN ABSOLUTELY
OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.

( wheezes, then sniffs )

PETER?

SPLENDID.

JUST LISTEN
TO THOSE THIGHS.

AND NOW IT'S
THE NORTH EAST'S TURN WITH THE SAMBA-- BRIAN?

RATHER I'M REMINDED
OF THE STORY

OF GUBBY ALLEN
IN '32...

OH, SHUT UP OR
WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.

AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING
UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.

HE RUNS UP,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...

AND NO SHOT AT ALL.

EXTREMELY WELL
NOT PLAYED THERE.

YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT
DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.

A SUPERB SHOT OF
NO KIND WHATSOEVER.

I WELL REMEMBER
PLUM WARNER

LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR
BALL ALONE IN 1732.

OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.

( laughter )

AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG
RUNNING IN AGAIN

TO BOWL TO COWDREY.

HE RUNS IN,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...

AND NO SHOT AT ALL.

A SUPERB DISPLAY
OF INERTIA THERE.

AND THAT'S THE END
OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.

GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.

NO, NO, THE PLAYERS
ARE HAVING DRINKS.

AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...

YES, COWDREY
IS BEING CARRIED OFF.

WELL, I NEVER!

NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?

IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE,
NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.

GET YOUR HAND
OFF MY THIGH, WEST.

NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.

I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA...
NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.

THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE

TO TAKE GUARD NOW.

I WELL REMEMBER
A SIMILAR DIVAN

BEING BROUGHT ON AT
HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.

AGAINST THE DARKIES.

OH, SHUT UP,
ELEPHANT SNOUT.

AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
HAS TAKEN GUARD

AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON
THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.

THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK
TO HIS MARK

IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET,
BOWLS TO THE TABLE...

A LITTLE BIT SHORT,
BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE

AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!

THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE
IS OUT-- LEG BEFORE WICKET.

THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.

AND NOW WE LEA VE LORDSAND
GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3::00.

Commentator:
WELL, HERE AT EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING

WITH 50 YARDS OF
THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO

AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN
THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.

TUCKED IN NICELY THERE
IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL

WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX

MAKING A GOOD RUN
FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.

AND THE STANDARD LAMP
IS FADING FAST

BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY
TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW

BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.

AT THE POST,
IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.

THEN SOFA, HAT STAND,
STANDARD LAMP

AND LASTLY,
JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.

OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!

OPEN THE BOX!

OPEN THE BOX!

AND COULD WE HAVE
THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?

( audience laughter )

( chuckling )

GOOD EVENING, MADAM.

AND YOUR NAME IS?

YES, YES.

AND WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?

I GO TO CHURCH
REGULARLY.

JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.

AND WHICH PRIZE
DO YOU HAVE

PARTICULAR EYES ON
THIS EVENING?

OH, I'D LIKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

JUST THERE.

JOLLY GOOD.

WELL, YOUR
FIRST QUESTION

FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD THIS EVENING IS:

WHAT GREAT OPPONENT
OF CARTESIAN DUALISM

RESISTS THE REDUCTION
OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA

TO PHYSICAL STATES?

I DON'T KNOW THAT!

WELL, HAVE A GUESS.

HENRI BERGSON.

IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!

OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.

I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.

JOLLY GOOD.

I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.

( chortling )

WHO DOES?

AND NOW YOUR
SECOND QUESTION

FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD IS:

WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD
THAT PENGUINS EAT?

PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.

NO.

SPAM?

NO, NO, NO, WHAT
DO PENGUINS EAT?

PENGUINS.

PENGUINS?

YES.

I HATE PENGUINS.

NO, NO, NO.

THEY EAT THEMSELVES.

NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?

HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!

NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?

OH, PENGUINS.

PENGUINS.

CANNELLONI.

LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA,
LOBSTER THERMIDOR

ESCALOPES DE VEAU
A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES

GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.

NO, I'LL GIVE YOU
A CLUE.

AH! BRIAN CLOSE.

( laughter )

NO, NO.

BRIAN INGLIS,
BRIAN JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES.

NO, NO.

NANETTE NEWMAN.

NO, WHAT SWIMS
IN THE SEA

AND GETS CAUGHT
IN NETS?

HENRI BERGSON.

NO!

GOATS.

UNDERWATER GOATS WITH
SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.

A BUFFALO
WITH AN AQUALUNG.

NO.

REGINALD MAUDLING.

YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH,
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM,
YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.

DO YOU STILL WANT
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?

YES, YES.

I'LL OFFER YOU
A POKE IN THE EYE.

NO, I WANT THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD.

A PUNCH
IN THE THROAT?

NO!

ALL RIGHT THEN,
A KICK IN THE KNEECAP.

NO.

MRS. SCUM,
I'M OFFERING YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH

AND A DAGGER
UP THE STRAP.

( hesitantly ):
ER...

Audience members ( shouting ):
TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!

NO, I'LL TAKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.

VERY WELL THEN,
MRS. SCUM

YOU HAVE WON
TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE--

THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!

( ding )

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by
The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]

( applause )

( music ends with fart )

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