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00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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Hello, good evening, and welcome
to 'It's A Living'.
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00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:18,000
The rules are very simple:
each week we get a large fee;
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00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,300
at the end of that week
we get another large fee;
5
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:23,300
if there's been no interruption at
the end of the year we get a repeat fee
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00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:28,200
which can be added on for tax purposes
to the previous year or the following year if there's no new series.
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00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:32,700
Every contestant, in addition
to getting a large fee is entitled to three drinks at the BBC
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00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:35,200
or if the show is over, seven drinks
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00:00:35,500 --> 00:00:39,200
- unless he is an MP, in which case
he can have seven drinks before the show,
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00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,000
or a bishop only three drinks in toto.
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00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,400
The winners will receive an additional
fee, a prize which they can flog back
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00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:49,800
and a special fee for a guest
appearance on 'Late Night Line Up'.
13
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,600
Well, those are the rules, that's
the game, we'll be back again same time next week. Till then. Bye-bye.
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00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,900
Well, it's five past nine
and nearly time for six past nine.
15
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,200
On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six
and a half minutes past nine.
16
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:15,300
Later on this evening it'll be 10 o'clock
and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33,
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00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,200
and don't forget tomorrow
when it'll be 9.20.
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00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:24,100
Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday
will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine.
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00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,300
Now here is a time check. It's 6 and 1/2
minutes to the big green thing.
20
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:32,800
- You're a loony.
- I get so bored, I get so bloody bored.
21
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,600
- This way, please.
- Righto, I'm coming.
22
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,400
Yes sir, it's this way.
23
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,600
Bloody hell, where are the lights?
24
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:52,400
What is this?
Where are they?
25
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,400
How was this turned off?
26
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,800
Oh it won't stop!
27
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:06,400
Where are the lights?
Oh, here they are...
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00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:34,100
You probably noticed that I didn't say
'and now for something completely different' just now.
29
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,600
This is simply because I am unable
to appear in the show this week.
30
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,100
Sorry to interrupt.
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00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:52,900
I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but
my tooth's hurting, just around here.
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00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,000
- Get off.
- Oh, sorry.
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00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,300
I'm not sorry to interrupt,
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00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:02,800
I'll interrupt anything if it gets
people looking in my direction
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00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,300
like at my old school where,
by a coincidence,
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00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,200
the annual prize giving is going on
at this very moment.
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00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,100
My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress,
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00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:26,300
it gives me very great pleasure
to return to my old school,
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00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:30,400
to present the prizes
in this centenary year.
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00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:39,200
This school takes very justifiable
pride in its fine record of...
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00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,000
... scholarship and
sporting achievement in all...
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00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:08,100
I'm, I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
The man who has been speaking to you is an impostor.
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00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:11,600
He is not in fact
the Bishop of East Anglia,
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00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:14,400
but a man wanted by the police.
45
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,400
I am the Bishop of East Anglia
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and anyone who doesn't believe me
can look me up in the book.
47
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:24,300
Now then, the first prize is
this beautiful silver cup,
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00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,000
which has been won by me.
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00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:33,000
Next we come to
the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy
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00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:37,200
for outstanding achievement
in the field of Applied Mathematics.
51
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,900
Well, there was no-one this year
who reached the required standard
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00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:44,300
so it goes in my sack.
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00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:50,000
And by an old rule of the school all the
other silver trophies also go in my sack...
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00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:58,600
Velly solly for hold-up ...
no ploblem now ...
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00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:03,500
me are Bishop of East Anglia,
now piesent plizes...
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00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,600
Eyes down for first plize...
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00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:12,900
The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for
Latin Elegaics... goes to...
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00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:16,200
People's Republic of China!
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00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:24,000
Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw,
Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw, of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad,
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00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:27,200
but I'd like you to think of me
as the Bishop of East Anglia,
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00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,000
and I'd like to present the first prize,
the Grimwade Gynn Trophy to...
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00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:39,000
Lady Mayoress, ladies,
gentlemen and boys.
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00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,600
Please do not panic.
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00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:45,000
Please keep your heads right down now,
65
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,600
and at the back please keep
your heads right down.
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00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,600
Do not panic, don't look round,
this building is surrounded.
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00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:56,900
There is nothing to worry about.
I am the Bishop of East Anglia.
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00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,600
Now the first prize is the Granville Cup
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00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:06,200
for French Unseen Translation...
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and it goes to Forbes Minor...
Forbes Minor... Right, give him covering fire...
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00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,800
Come on Forbes. Come on boy.
Come and get it. Keep down. Well done...
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00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:18,600
Oh... bad luck! The next prize...
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00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,300
Mr L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'.
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00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:34,000
Mr Dibley, some people have drawn
comparisons between your film, 'if',
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00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,500
which ends with a gun battle
at a public school,
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00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:41,800
and Mr Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if', which
ends with a gun battle at a public school.
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00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:47,700
Oh yes, well, I mean, there were
some people who said my film
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00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,000
'2001 - A Space Odyssey',
was similar to Stanley Kubrick's.
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00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,800
I mean, that's the sort of petty critical
niggling that's dogged my career.
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00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:57,700
It makes me sick. I mean,
as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy'
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00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:00,500
with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo,
John Schlesinger rushes out his version,
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and gets it premiered while mine's
still at the chemist's.
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00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,400
Well, we have with us tonight
one of your films, 'Rear Window',
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which was to become such a success
for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later.
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00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,800
Now this is a silent film, so perhaps
you could talk us through it...
86
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,800
Yes, well, let's see now...
There's the rear window.
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00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,600
There's the man looking out
of the window. He sees the murder.
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00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:32,500
The murderer's come into the room
to kill him, but he's outwitted him and he's all right. The End.
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00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:38,000
I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's
supposed to be so bloody wonderful,
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00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,800
padded that out to 1 and 1/2 hours...
Lost all the tension
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00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:45,900
just because he had bloody Grace Kelly
he made �3 million more than I did.
92
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:50,900
Mind you, at least she can act a bit,
I could have done with her in 'Finian's Rainbow'...
93
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:53,900
The man from the off-licence
was terrible...
94
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:57,200
a real failure that was
- 10 seconds of solid boredom.
95
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,100
Bloody terrible.
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00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:26,000
Mr L. F. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow'.
And now over to me.
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00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,800
Exclusively on the programme today
we have the Foreign Secretary,
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00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,800
who has just returned from the
bitter fighting in the Gulf of Amman.
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He's going to tell us about canoeing.
100
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:54,600
That gives you just some idea
of what's going on out there.
101
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:59,400
Today saw the long-awaited publication
of the Portman Committee's Report
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00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,600
on Industrial Reorganization...
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00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,400
It's taken five years to prepare and
it's bound to have an enormous impact
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00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,400
on the future of industrial relations
in this country.
105
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,000
In the studio tonight Lord Portman,
Chairman of the Committee,
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00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:14,400
Sir Charles Avery,
Employers' Reorganization Council,
107
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,800
and Ray Millichope, leader
of the Allied Technicians' Union.
108
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,200
And they're going to
make a human pyramid.
109
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,600
Bra...vo.
110
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,300
Now the President
of the Board of Trade.
111
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:49,300
Now here's the Vice-Chairman of ICI.
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00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,400
Good evening.
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00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,800
So much for politics and the problems
of Britain's industrial reorganization.
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00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,600
Now we turn to
the lighter subject of sport,
115
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,700
and Reg Harris, the former
world cycling sprint champion,
116
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:15,200
talks to us about the psychological
problems of big race preparation.
117
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,000
And now the world of song
- Anne Zeigler and Webster Booth.
118
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:35,600
Well, all good things must come to
an end, and that's all for this week.
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00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:41,000
But to close our programme,
Dame Irene Stoat, who celebrates her 85th birthday this month,
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00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,200
reads one of her most famous poems.
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00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:47,400
'Who shall declare this good, that ill
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00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,400
When good and ill so intertwine
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00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:56,200
But to fulfil the vast design
of an omniscient will.
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00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,000
When seeming again but turns to loss
125
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,600
When earthly treasure proves but dross
126
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:10,000
And what seems lost but turns again
127
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,200
To high eternal gain.
128
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:26,000
We had the most marvelous holiday.
It was absolutely fantastic.
129
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,400
- Michael, you tell them about it.
- No, darling, you tell them. You do it so much better.
130
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,200
Excuse me a moment.
131
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,800
- Dung, sir.
- What?
132
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,500
- We've got your dung.
- What dung?
133
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,400
Your dung. Three hundredweight of
heavy droppings. Where do you want it?
134
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:54,600
- I didn't order any dung.
- Yes you did, sir. You ordered it through the Book of the Month Club.
135
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,000
Book of the Month Club?
136
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,400
That's right, sir.
You get 'Gone with the Wind', 'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo,
137
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,200
'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and
with every third book you get dung.
138
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,600
- I didn't know that when I signed the form.
- Well, no, no.
139
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:09,400
It wasn't on the form, they found it
wasn't good for business. Anyway, we've got 300 weight of dung in the van.
140
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:14,100
- Where do you want it?
- Well, I don't think we do. We've no garden.
141
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:19,400
- It'll all fit in here; it's top-class
excrement. - You can't put it in here, we've having a dinner party!
142
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,000
's alright. I'll put it on the telly.
143
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,700
Darling... there's a man here
with our Book of the Month Club dung.
144
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:27,200
We've no room, dear.
145
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:32,200
- How many rooms have you got, then?
- Well, there's only this room, the bedroom, a spare room.
146
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:36,400
I'll tell you what, move everything
into the main bedroom, then you can use the spare room as a dung room.
147
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,400
- Yes.
- Dead Indian.
148
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,600
Have you recently bought a new cooker, sir?
Ah well, this is your free dead Indian, as advertised...
149
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:49,600
- I didn't see that in the adverts...
- No, it's in the very small print, you see, sir,
150
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,800
- so as not to affect the sales.
- We've no room.
151
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,600
That's all right,
you can put the dead Indian in the spare room on top of the dung.
152
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,700
- Me... heap dizzy.
153
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,800
- He's not dead!
- Oh well, that's probably a faulty cooker.
154
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,300
Have you... read and enjoyed
'The French Lieutenant's Woman', then?
155
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:07,300
No.
156
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:11,200
- No... still, it's worth it
for the dung, isn't it? - Darling, it's the Milk Marketing Board.
157
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,700
For every two cartons of single cream
we get the M4 motorway.
158
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:28,900
Are you Mr and Mrs P. Forbes of 7,
the Studios, Elstree?
159
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,200
- Yes.
- Right, well, get in the car. We've won you in a police raffle.
160
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,800
Yes! This couple is just one of the
prizes in this year's Police Raffle.
161
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,500
Other prizes include two years
for breaking and entering,
162
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,900
a crate of search warrants,
a 'What's all this then?' T-shirt
163
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:48,200
and a weekend for two with a skinhead
of your own choice.
164
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,000
And that's not all. Three fabulous
new prizes have just been added,
165
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,400
a four-month supply
of interesting undergarments
166
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:00,800
a fully motorized pig
167
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,800
and a hand-painted scene
of Arabian splendour,
168
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,400
complete with silly walk.
169
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:29,100
Finally add the sliced meat,
170
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:32,200
the vegetetables and voil�!
171
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,400
Personally I prefer
more classical dishes.
172
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:59,100
Nigel! Wonderful to see you,
super, super, super.
173
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,000
- Am I a teeny bit late?
- A bit, an hour.
174
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:08,400
Oh, super! Only Snowdon's been
re-touching my profile and we can't upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?
175
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,500
David Bloggs... the one and only...
Super to see you.
176
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:16,500
Who are you working for? Come and
work for me, I'll call you tomorrow.
177
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:19,800
It's really lovely to have
this little chat with you.
178
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,600
It is so nice to have
this little talk about things.
179
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,100
I heard a teeny rumourlette
that you were married.
180
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:30,200
- Well, not quite, no.
My wife's just died, actually. - Oh dear.
181
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:35,700
Brian! We must get together again soon.
See you. Bye.
182
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:40,700
- Well, perhaps we could do
a tribute to her on the show. - Well, no. I...
183
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:44,600
I'll get Peter, William, Arthur,
Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will, John and Ray to fix it up.
184
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,700
It is so nice having this little chat.
185
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:50,900
- Well, actually Timmy, I'm glad to get
you on your own... - You don't mind if Peter just sits in?
186
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:53,600
- Well, actually...
- Only he's doing an article on me for the 'Mail'.
187
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,000
- He's such a lovely person.
- Hello.
188
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,000
Peter, this is one of the nicest people
in the world, Nigel Watt.
189
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,000
W-A-double T. That's right, yes.
190
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,400
Well, actually, Timmy, the thing is,
it's a bit private.
191
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:10,100
Oh, you don't mind if Peter just sits in,
do you? Only Peter's writing a book on me.
192
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,400
- Peter, you know Tony from the 'Mail',
don't you? - We met in the Turkish bath yesterday.
193
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,000
- Super, super. Did it come up well
in the writing yesterday? - Great, great, great.
194
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,600
- You took out the tummy references?
- Yes, I did.
195
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,800
Super, super, super.
Just to fill you in, this is Nigel Watt
196
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:29,300
and we are having a little
heart-to-heart. H-E-A-R-T. Smashing.
197
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:30,400
Do go on, Nigel.
198
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:33,200
Well, well, the thing is, Timmy...
199
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:40,000
Carry on, it's the 'TV Times', only they
syndicate these photographs to America.
200
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,000
Would you mind if we just er...
201
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,000
Super, super. One over here, I think, Bob.
A little smile, please...
202
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,400
Smashing, smashing.
Feel free, Bob, to circulate, won't you.
203
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,400
- Do go on, this is most interesting.
- Well, the thing is, Timmy, I'm a bit embarrassed.
204
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:59,400
Oh, Mr Williams, it's so nice
to see you. Will you sign this for my little daughter, please?
205
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,200
Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful.
Just two lovely coffees, please.
206
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:07,500
Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go
from where Mario comes in, we're getting bad sound, OK?
207
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:12,900
It's German television.
Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing a prize-winning documentary on me.
208
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:16,200
'The Wonderful Mr Williams',
scene 239, take 2.
209
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:20,700
Action!
210
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:24,300
Mario, how super to see you.
How are the lovely family?
211
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:29,200
Please give your little daughter this.
Thank you. And just two lovely coffees, please.
212
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:33,800
Such a lovely waiter. Now, go on
please, this is most interesting.
213
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,600
Well... as I was saying,
Timmy, my wife's gone... gone.
214
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:42,200
I've got three children
and I'm at my wits end.
215
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:45,800
No job, no insurance, no money at all.
216
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:51,400
I'm absolutely flat broke,
I just don't know where to turn.
217
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:56,100
I'm absolutely at the end of my tether.
You're my only chance. Can you help me, please, Timmy?
218
00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:59,400
Sorry, I was on the phone to America.
219
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:04,200
It's been super having
this lovely little chat. We must do this again more often.
220
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:08,300
Will you get the coffees?
I'm afraid I must dash, I'm an hour late for the Israeli Embassy.
221
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,300
- Did you get that shot all right, sound?
- Yes, fine.
222
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:19,500
- It wasn't a bit too wicked, was it?
I mean, it wasn't too cruel? - No, no, no. It was great.
223
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:23,000
No, super... well...
I think it shows I'm human, don't you?
224
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,000
- Yes, great.
- Super. Well, the charabanc's here.
225
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,000
Go on, everybody. Bye.
226
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:34,400
Timmy Williams' 'Coffee Time' was brought
to you live from Woppi's in Holborn.
227
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,600
Good evening. I have with me
in the studio tonight
228
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,700
one of the country's leading
skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.
229
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:05,700
That's not my name.
230
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,200
I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.
231
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:16,000
No, it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but
it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.
232
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,800
You're a very silly man and
I'm not going to interview you.
233
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,800
- Ah, anti-semitism!
- Not at all. It's not even a proper nose.
234
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,400
- It's polystyrene.
- Give me my nose back.
235
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,500
- You can collect it at reception.
Now go away. - I want to be on the television.
236
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:33,300
Well you can't.
237
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,200
All clear.
238
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,800
Hi there, big boy...
239
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:09,200
- Hey, cutie.
- Hello, tiger.
240
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,000
Tiger! Tiger!
241
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,400
Tiger!
242
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,700
- Er, excuse me, I want to get married.
- I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.
243
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,600
No, no. I just want to get married.
244
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,100
I could get a divorce, I suppose,
but it'll be a bit of a wrench.
245
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,600
No, no. That wouldn't
be necessary because...
246
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,400
You see, would you come to my place
or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.
247
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:48,200
- No, no, I want to get married here.
- Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.
248
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,200
Look, I just want you to marry me...
249
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:55,200
I want to marry you too sir, but
it's not as simple as that.
250
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:57,800
- You sure you want to get married?
- Yes. I want to get married very quickly.
251
00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,600
- Suits me, sir. Suits me.
- I don't want to marry you!
252
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:06,000
- There is such a thing as breach
of promise, sir. - Look, I just want you to act
253
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,800
- ... as registrar and marry me.
- I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind.
254
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:11,800
- Please don't trifle with my affections.
- I'm sorry, but...
255
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,400
That's all right, sir. I forgive you.
Lovers' tiff.
256
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:18,200
But you're not the first person
to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.
257
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,000
- Look, I'm already engaged.
- Yes, and I'm already married. Still we'll get round it.
258
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,600
- Good morning. I want to get married.
- I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.
259
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,100
- Well, can I get married after him?
- Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.
260
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,400
- I want to get married, please.
- Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it.
261
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,000
All right, but you'll have to wait
until I've married these two, sir.
262
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,200
What, those two getting married...
Nigel What are you doing marrying him?
263
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,000
- He's marrying me first, sir.
- He's engaged to me.
264
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,600
- Come on, Henry.
- Blimey, the wife.
265
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:47,800
- Will you marry me?
- I'm already married.
266
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,000
Well, things turned out
all right in the end,
267
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:54,000
but you musn't ask how 'cos it's naughty.
268
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,000
They're all married and living quite well
in a council estate near Dulwich.
269
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:08,800
Today I want to tell you a story.
270
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:12,700
Once upon a time,
there was an enchanted prince
271
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:15,400
who ruled the land...
272
00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:21,000
One day he discovered
a spot on his face.
273
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,600
Foolishly he ignored it.
And 3 years later, he died of
274
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,200
gangrene.
275
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:31,200
The spot soon set out
to seek its fortune...
276
00:23:15,700 --> 00:23:18,000
Did you see who's just
moved in next door?
277
00:23:18,300 --> 00:23:20,600
Yes, black as the ace of spades.
278
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:24,600
Oh, there goes the neighbourhood!
Them and their smelly cooking.
279
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,000
- And the noise...
- And they breed like rabbits.
280
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,600
Oh yes...
281
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,200
Hello and welcome to
'Election Night Special'.
282
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,200
There's great excitement here as we
should be getting the first results through any minute now. We don't know
283
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,800
where it'll be from... it might be
Leicester or from Luton. The polling's been quite heavy in both areas...
284
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:59,400
oh, wait a moment, I'm just getting...
I'm just getting a loud buzzing noise in my left ear. Excuse me a moment.
285
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:07,900
Anyway, let's go straight over
to James Gilbert at Leicester.
286
00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:10,600
Well it's a straight fight
here at Leicester...
287
00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:15,800
On the left of the Returning Officer
you can see Arthur Smith, the Sensible candidate and his agent,
288
00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:21,000
and on the other side is the silly
candidate Jethro Walrustitty with his agent and his wife.
289
00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:25,800
Here is the result for Leicester.
290
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:30,400
Arthur J. Smith...
- Sensible Party
291
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:33,600
30 612.
292
00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:40,900
Jehro Q. Walrustitty...
- Silly Party
293
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,400
32 108.
294
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:51,900
Well, there's the first result
and the Silly Party has held Leicester. What do you make of that, Norman?
295
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,800
Well, this is largely as I predicted,
except that the Silly Party won.
296
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,800
I think this is mainly due to the
number of votes cast. Gerald?
297
00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:03,900
Well there's a swing here
to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.
298
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,600
Well, if I may... I think the
interesting thing here is the big swing to the Silly Party
299
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:12,200
and of course the very large swing back
to the Sensible Party... and a tendency to wobble up and down in the middle
300
00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:16,500
- No, I'm afraid I can't think of anything.
- I can't add anything to that. Colin?
301
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,000
Can I butt in at this point and say
this is in fact the very first time I've appeared on television.
302
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,500
No, no we haven't time, because we're just
going straight over to Luton.
303
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,100
Here at Luton it's a 3-cornered fight
304
00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:28,500
between Alan Jones, Sensible Party,
in the middle,
305
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:34,600
Tarquin Fin- tim- lim- bim- whin- bim-
lim- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Ol�- Biscuitbarrel, Silly Party,
306
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,300
and Kevin Phillips-Bong,
the Slightly Silly candidate.
307
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:42,000
Alan Jones
- On the left, Sensible Party
308
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,600
9 112.
309
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,600
Kevin Phillips-Bong
- On the right, Slightly Silly
310
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Nought...
311
00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:59,200
Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim-
lin- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Ol�- Biscuitbarrel...
312
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,000
- Silly
313
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:03,600
12 441.
314
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,000
And so the Silly Party has taken Luton.
315
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,500
A gain for the Silly Party at Luton.
The first gain of the election, Norman?
316
00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:14,200
Well this is a highly significant result.
Luton, normally a very sensible constituency
317
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,400
with a high proportion of people who aren't
a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
318
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,000
Do we have the swing at Luton?
319
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:21,100
Well, I've worked out the swing,
but it's a secret.
320
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:28,000
Well, there isn't the swing,
how about a swong?
321
00:26:28,700 --> 00:26:31,600
Well, I've got the swong here
in this box and it's looking fine.
322
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,000
I can see through the breathing holes
that it's eating up peanuts at the rate of knots.
323
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,100
And how about the swang?
324
00:26:36,700 --> 00:26:41,500
Well, it's 29% up over 600 feet,
but it's a little bit soft around the edges about...
325
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,400
What do you make of the nylon dot
cardigan and plastic mule rest?
326
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,000
- There's no such thing.
- Thank you, Spike.
327
00:26:46,300 --> 00:26:49,500
Can I just come in here and say that
the swong has choked itself to death.
328
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,000
- Well, the election's really
beginning to hot up now. - I can't add anything to that.
329
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,800
Can I just add at this point
that this is in fact the second time I've ever been on television?
330
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,600
I'm sorry, Sasha, we're just about
to get another result.
331
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,000
Hello, from Harpenden.
This is a key seat because in addition to the official Silly candidate
332
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,700
there is an independent
Very Silly candidate
333
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:08,200
who may split the Silly vote.
334
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,600
- Mrs Elsie...
- Silly
335
00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:16,200
26 317.
336
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,700
James Walker
- Sensible
337
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,400
26 318.
338
00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:25,000
That was close.
339
00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:28,300
Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian
340
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:34,000
Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday
Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable
341
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:37,400
Arthur Norman Michael Featherstone
342
00:27:38,100 --> 00:27:43,000
Smith Northgot Edwards Harris
343
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:50,200
Mason Frampton Jones Fruitbat
344
00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:53,000
Gilbert 'We'll keep a welcome in the'
345
00:27:56,300 --> 00:27:59,500
Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin
346
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:07,000
Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson
'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head'
347
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,600
Darcy Carter Pussycat
348
00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:15,800
'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton
349
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:18,800
Mannering Smith
- Very Silly
350
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:20,500
2.
351
00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:22,700
Well there you have it.
A Sensible gain at Driffield.
352
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:23,200
Norman...
353
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,600
Well, I've just heard from Luton
that my auntie's ill, possibly,
354
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,800
possibly gastro-enteritis - Gerald.
355
00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:32,900
Well, if this were repeated
over the whole country it's probably be very messy. Colin.
356
00:28:33,700 --> 00:28:37,000
Can I just butt in and say here
that it's probably the last time I shall ever appear on television.
357
00:28:37,300 --> 00:28:41,300
No I'm afraid you can't,
we haven't got time. Just to bring you up to date with a few results,
358
00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:44,100
Engelbert Humperdinck has taken
Barrow-in-Furness,
359
00:28:44,100 --> 00:28:46,700
that's a gain from Ann Haydon-Jones
and her husband Pip.
360
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:49,600
Arthur Negus has held Bristols.
361
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:52,200
That's not a result,
that's a bit of gossip.
362
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,400
Mary Whitehouse has just taken umbrage.
Could it be a bit of trouble there.
363
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,200
And apparently Wales is not swinging
at all. No surprise there.
364
00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:00,200
And... Monty Python has held the credits.
365
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:04,148
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