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Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'It's A Living'.

The rules are very simple: each week we get a large fee;

at the end of that week we get another large fee;

if there's been no interruption at the end of the year we get a repeat fee

which can be added on for tax purposes to the previous year or the following year if there's no new series.

Every contestant, in addition to getting a large fee is entitled to three drinks at the BBC

or if the show is over, seven drinks

- unless he is an MP, in which case he can have seven drinks before the show,

or a bishop only three drinks in toto.

The winners will receive an additional fee, a prize which they can flog back

and a special fee for a guest appearance on 'Late Night Line Up'.

Well, those are the rules, that's the game, we'll be back again same time next week. Till then. Bye-bye.

Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine.

On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine.

Later on this evening it'll be 10 o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33,

and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9.20.

Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine.

Now here is a time check. It's 6 and 1/2 minutes to the big green thing.

- You're a loony. - I get so bored, I get so bloody bored.

- This way, please. - Righto, I'm coming.

Yes sir, it's this way.

Bloody hell, where are the lights?

What is this? Where are they?

How was this turned off?

Oh it won't stop!

Where are the lights? Oh, here they are...

You probably noticed that I didn't say 'and now for something completely different' just now.

This is simply because I am unable to appear in the show this week.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but my tooth's hurting, just around here.

- Get off. - Oh, sorry.

I'm not sorry to interrupt,

I'll interrupt anything if it gets people looking in my direction

like at my old school where, by a coincidence,

the annual prize giving is going on at this very moment.

My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress,

it gives me very great pleasure to return to my old school,

to present the prizes in this centenary year.

This school takes very justifiable pride in its fine record of...

... scholarship and sporting achievement in all...

I'm, I'm afraid there's been a mistake. The man who has been speaking to you is an impostor.

He is not in fact the Bishop of East Anglia,

but a man wanted by the police.

I am the Bishop of East Anglia

and anyone who doesn't believe me can look me up in the book.

Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver cup,

which has been won by me.

Next we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy

for outstanding achievement in the field of Applied Mathematics.

Well, there was no-one this year who reached the required standard

so it goes in my sack.

And by an old rule of the school all the other silver trophies also go in my sack...

Velly solly for hold-up ... no ploblem now ...

me are Bishop of East Anglia, now piesent plizes...

Eyes down for first plize...

The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for Latin Elegaics... goes to...

People's Republic of China!

Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw, Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw, of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad,

but I'd like you to think of me as the Bishop of East Anglia,

and I'd like to present the first prize, the Grimwade Gynn Trophy to...

Lady Mayoress, ladies, gentlemen and boys.

Please do not panic.

Please keep your heads right down now,

and at the back please keep your heads right down.

Do not panic, don't look round, this building is surrounded.

There is nothing to worry about. I am the Bishop of East Anglia.

Now the first prize is the Granville Cup

for French Unseen Translation...

and it goes to Forbes Minor... Forbes Minor... Right, give him covering fire...

Come on Forbes. Come on boy. Come and get it. Keep down. Well done...

Oh... bad luck! The next prize...

Mr L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'.

Mr Dibley, some people have drawn comparisons between your film, 'if',

which ends with a gun battle at a public school,

and Mr Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a public school.

Oh yes, well, I mean, there were some people who said my film

'2001 - A Space Odyssey', was similar to Stanley Kubrick's.

I mean, that's the sort of petty critical niggling that's dogged my career.

It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy'

with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger rushes out his version,

and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.

Well, we have with us tonight one of your films, 'Rear Window',

which was to become such a success for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later.

Now this is a silent film, so perhaps you could talk us through it...

Yes, well, let's see now... There's the rear window.

There's the man looking out of the window. He sees the murder.

The murderer's come into the room to kill him, but he's outwitted him and he's all right. The End.

I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's supposed to be so bloody wonderful,

padded that out to 1 and 1/2 hours... Lost all the tension

just because he had bloody Grace Kelly he made �3 million more than I did.

Mind you, at least she can act a bit, I could have done with her in 'Finian's Rainbow'...

The man from the off-licence was terrible...

a real failure that was - 10 seconds of solid boredom.

Bloody terrible.

Mr L. F. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow'. And now over to me.

Exclusively on the programme today we have the Foreign Secretary,

who has just returned from the bitter fighting in the Gulf of Amman.

He's going to tell us about canoeing.

That gives you just some idea of what's going on out there.

Today saw the long-awaited publication of the Portman Committee's Report

on Industrial Reorganization...

It's taken five years to prepare and it's bound to have an enormous impact

on the future of industrial relations in this country.

In the studio tonight Lord Portman, Chairman of the Committee,

Sir Charles Avery, Employers' Reorganization Council,

and Ray Millichope, leader of the Allied Technicians' Union.

And they're going to make a human pyramid.

Bra...vo.

Now the President of the Board of Trade.

Now here's the Vice-Chairman of ICI.

Good evening.

So much for politics and the problems of Britain's industrial reorganization.

Now we turn to the lighter subject of sport,

and Reg Harris, the former world cycling sprint champion,

talks to us about the psychological problems of big race preparation.

And now the world of song - Anne Zeigler and Webster Booth.

Well, all good things must come to an end, and that's all for this week.

But to close our programme, Dame Irene Stoat, who celebrates her 85th birthday this month,

reads one of her most famous poems.

'Who shall declare this good, that ill

When good and ill so intertwine

But to fulfil the vast design of an omniscient will.

When seeming again but turns to loss

When earthly treasure proves but dross

And what seems lost but turns again

To high eternal gain.

We had the most marvelous holiday. It was absolutely fantastic.

- Michael, you tell them about it. - No, darling, you tell them. You do it so much better.

Excuse me a moment.

- Dung, sir. - What?

- We've got your dung. - What dung?

Your dung. Three hundredweight of heavy droppings. Where do you want it?

- I didn't order any dung. - Yes you did, sir. You ordered it through the Book of the Month Club.

Book of the Month Club?

That's right, sir. You get 'Gone with the Wind', 'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo,

'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and with every third book you get dung.

- I didn't know that when I signed the form. - Well, no, no.

It wasn't on the form, they found it wasn't good for business. Anyway, we've got 300 weight of dung in the van.

- Where do you want it? - Well, I don't think we do. We've no garden.

- It'll all fit in here; it's top-class excrement. - You can't put it in here, we've having a dinner party!

's alright. I'll put it on the telly.

Darling... there's a man here with our Book of the Month Club dung.

We've no room, dear.

- How many rooms have you got, then? - Well, there's only this room, the bedroom, a spare room.

I'll tell you what, move everything into the main bedroom, then you can use the spare room as a dung room.

- Yes. - Dead Indian.

Have you recently bought a new cooker, sir? Ah well, this is your free dead Indian, as advertised...

- I didn't see that in the adverts... - No, it's in the very small print, you see, sir,

- so as not to affect the sales. - We've no room.

That's all right, you can put the dead Indian in the spare room on top of the dung.

- Me... heap dizzy.

- He's not dead! - Oh well, that's probably a faulty cooker.

Have you... read and enjoyed 'The French Lieutenant's Woman', then?

No.

- No... still, it's worth it for the dung, isn't it? - Darling, it's the Milk Marketing Board.

For every two cartons of single cream we get the M4 motorway.

Are you Mr and Mrs P. Forbes of 7, the Studios, Elstree?

- Yes. - Right, well, get in the car. We've won you in a police raffle.

Yes! This couple is just one of the prizes in this year's Police Raffle.

Other prizes include two years for breaking and entering,

a crate of search warrants, a 'What's all this then?' T-shirt

and a weekend for two with a skinhead of your own choice.

And that's not all. Three fabulous new prizes have just been added,

a four-month supply of interesting undergarments

a fully motorized pig

and a hand-painted scene of Arabian splendour,

complete with silly walk.

Finally add the sliced meat,

the vegetetables and voil�!

Personally I prefer more classical dishes.

Nigel! Wonderful to see you, super, super, super.

- Am I a teeny bit late? - A bit, an hour.

Oh, super! Only Snowdon's been re-touching my profile and we can't upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?

David Bloggs... the one and only... Super to see you.

Who are you working for? Come and work for me, I'll call you tomorrow.

It's really lovely to have this little chat with you.

It is so nice to have this little talk about things.

I heard a teeny rumourlette that you were married.

- Well, not quite, no. My wife's just died, actually. - Oh dear.

Brian! We must get together again soon. See you. Bye.

- Well, perhaps we could do a tribute to her on the show. - Well, no. I...

I'll get Peter, William, Arthur, Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will, John and Ray to fix it up.

It is so nice having this little chat.

- Well, actually Timmy, I'm glad to get you on your own... - You don't mind if Peter just sits in?

- Well, actually... - Only he's doing an article on me for the 'Mail'.

- He's such a lovely person. - Hello.

Peter, this is one of the nicest people in the world, Nigel Watt.

W-A-double T. That's right, yes.

Well, actually, Timmy, the thing is, it's a bit private.

Oh, you don't mind if Peter just sits in, do you? Only Peter's writing a book on me.

- Peter, you know Tony from the 'Mail', don't you? - We met in the Turkish bath yesterday.

- Super, super. Did it come up well in the writing yesterday? - Great, great, great.

- You took out the tummy references? - Yes, I did.

Super, super, super. Just to fill you in, this is Nigel Watt

and we are having a little heart-to-heart. H-E-A-R-T. Smashing.

Do go on, Nigel.

Well, well, the thing is, Timmy...

Carry on, it's the 'TV Times', only they syndicate these photographs to America.

Would you mind if we just er...

Super, super. One over here, I think, Bob. A little smile, please...

Smashing, smashing. Feel free, Bob, to circulate, won't you.

- Do go on, this is most interesting. - Well, the thing is, Timmy, I'm a bit embarrassed.

Oh, Mr Williams, it's so nice to see you. Will you sign this for my little daughter, please?

Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful. Just two lovely coffees, please.

Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go from where Mario comes in, we're getting bad sound, OK?

It's German television. Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing a prize-winning documentary on me.

'The Wonderful Mr Williams', scene 239, take 2.

Action!

Mario, how super to see you. How are the lovely family?

Please give your little daughter this. Thank you. And just two lovely coffees, please.

Such a lovely waiter. Now, go on please, this is most interesting.

Well... as I was saying, Timmy, my wife's gone... gone.

I've got three children and I'm at my wits end.

No job, no insurance, no money at all.

I'm absolutely flat broke, I just don't know where to turn.

I'm absolutely at the end of my tether. You're my only chance. Can you help me, please, Timmy?

Sorry, I was on the phone to America.

It's been super having this lovely little chat. We must do this again more often.

Will you get the coffees? I'm afraid I must dash, I'm an hour late for the Israeli Embassy.

- Did you get that shot all right, sound? - Yes, fine.

- It wasn't a bit too wicked, was it? I mean, it wasn't too cruel? - No, no, no. It was great.

No, super... well... I think it shows I'm human, don't you?

- Yes, great. - Super. Well, the charabanc's here.

Go on, everybody. Bye.

Timmy Williams' 'Coffee Time' was brought to you live from Woppi's in Holborn.

Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight

one of the country's leading skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.

That's not my name.

I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.

No, it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.

You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you.

- Ah, anti-semitism! - Not at all. It's not even a proper nose.

- It's polystyrene. - Give me my nose back.

- You can collect it at reception. Now go away. - I want to be on the television.

Well you can't.

All clear.

Hi there, big boy...

- Hey, cutie. - Hello, tiger.

Tiger! Tiger!

Tiger!

- Er, excuse me, I want to get married. - I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.

No, no. I just want to get married.

I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.

No, no. That wouldn't be necessary because...

You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.

- No, no, I want to get married here. - Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.

Look, I just want you to marry me...

I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that.

- You sure you want to get married? - Yes. I want to get married very quickly.

- Suits me, sir. Suits me. - I don't want to marry you!

- There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir. - Look, I just want you to act

- ... as registrar and marry me. - I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind.

- Please don't trifle with my affections. - I'm sorry, but...

That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff.

But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.

- Look, I'm already engaged. - Yes, and I'm already married. Still we'll get round it.

- Good morning. I want to get married. - I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.

- Well, can I get married after him? - Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.

- I want to get married, please. - Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it.

All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir.

What, those two getting married... Nigel What are you doing marrying him?

- He's marrying me first, sir. - He's engaged to me.

- Come on, Henry. - Blimey, the wife.

- Will you marry me? - I'm already married.

Well, things turned out all right in the end,

but you musn't ask how 'cos it's naughty.

They're all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.

Today I want to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was an enchanted prince

who ruled the land...

One day he discovered a spot on his face.

Foolishly he ignored it. And 3 years later, he died of

gangrene.

The spot soon set out to seek its fortune...

Did you see who's just moved in next door?

Yes, black as the ace of spades.

Oh, there goes the neighbourhood! Them and their smelly cooking.

- And the noise... - And they breed like rabbits.

Oh yes...

Hello and welcome to 'Election Night Special'.

There's great excitement here as we should be getting the first results through any minute now. We don't know

where it'll be from... it might be Leicester or from Luton. The polling's been quite heavy in both areas...

oh, wait a moment, I'm just getting... I'm just getting a loud buzzing noise in my left ear. Excuse me a moment.

Anyway, let's go straight over to James Gilbert at Leicester.

Well it's a straight fight here at Leicester...

On the left of the Returning Officer you can see Arthur Smith, the Sensible candidate and his agent,

and on the other side is the silly candidate Jethro Walrustitty with his agent and his wife.

Here is the result for Leicester.

Arthur J. Smith... - Sensible Party

30 612.

Jehro Q. Walrustitty... - Silly Party

32 108.

Well, there's the first result and the Silly Party has held Leicester. What do you make of that, Norman?

Well, this is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won.

I think this is mainly due to the number of votes cast. Gerald?

Well there's a swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.

Well, if I may... I think the interesting thing here is the big swing to the Silly Party

and of course the very large swing back to the Sensible Party... and a tendency to wobble up and down in the middle

- No, I'm afraid I can't think of anything. - I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Can I butt in at this point and say this is in fact the very first time I've appeared on television.

No, no we haven't time, because we're just going straight over to Luton.

Here at Luton it's a 3-cornered fight

between Alan Jones, Sensible Party, in the middle,

Tarquin Fin- tim- lim- bim- whin- bim- lim- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Ol�- Biscuitbarrel, Silly Party,

and Kevin Phillips-Bong, the Slightly Silly candidate.

Alan Jones - On the left, Sensible Party

9 112.

Kevin Phillips-Bong - On the right, Slightly Silly

Nought...

Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim- lin- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Ol�- Biscuitbarrel...

- Silly

12 441.

And so the Silly Party has taken Luton.

A gain for the Silly Party at Luton. The first gain of the election, Norman?

Well this is a highly significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency

with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.

Do we have the swing at Luton?

Well, I've worked out the swing, but it's a secret.

Well, there isn't the swing, how about a swong?

Well, I've got the swong here in this box and it's looking fine.

I can see through the breathing holes that it's eating up peanuts at the rate of knots.

And how about the swang?

Well, it's 29% up over 600 feet, but it's a little bit soft around the edges about...

What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?

- There's no such thing. - Thank you, Spike.

Can I just come in here and say that the swong has choked itself to death.

- Well, the election's really beginning to hot up now. - I can't add anything to that.

Can I just add at this point that this is in fact the second time I've ever been on television?

I'm sorry, Sasha, we're just about to get another result.

Hello, from Harpenden. This is a key seat because in addition to the official Silly candidate

there is an independent Very Silly candidate

who may split the Silly vote.

- Mrs Elsie... - Silly

26 317.

James Walker - Sensible

26 318.

That was close.

Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian

Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable

Arthur Norman Michael Featherstone

Smith Northgot Edwards Harris

Mason Frampton Jones Fruitbat

Gilbert 'We'll keep a welcome in the'

Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin

Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head'

Darcy Carter Pussycat

'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton

Mannering Smith - Very Silly

2.

Well there you have it. A Sensible gain at Driffield.

Norman...

Well, I've just heard from Luton that my auntie's ill, possibly,

possibly gastro-enteritis - Gerald.

Well, if this were repeated over the whole country it's probably be very messy. Colin.

Can I just butt in and say here that it's probably the last time I shall ever appear on television.

No I'm afraid you can't, we haven't got time. Just to bring you up to date with a few results,

Engelbert Humperdinck has taken Barrow-in-Furness,

that's a gain from Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband Pip.

Arthur Negus has held Bristols.

That's not a result, that's a bit of gossip.

Mary Whitehouse has just taken umbrage. Could it be a bit of trouble there.

And apparently Wales is not swinging at all. No surprise there.

And... Monty Python has held the credits.

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