Original subtitles

In the modern britain, united under a great leader

It's the housewives of britain who are getting things moving.

Here, a coach load of lovely ladies are on their way

To speed up production in a car factory.

And here we are, boys, it's the no-hurry brigade

Hanging around for endless overtime.

And just watch these gallant girls go into action.

Not working fast enough?

Well, there's an answer for that.

Yes, this is certainly the way to speed up production.

This is the recipe for increased productivity

To meet the threat of those nasty foreigners

When britain takes her natural place

At the head of the british common market.

And how's this for a way to beat strikers?

Those spotty continental boys

Will soon have to look out for mrs. britain.

And talking of windmills

These girls aren't afraid to tilt at the permissive society.

Business is booming in the so-called arts

But two can play at that game, chum.

And it's not just the modern so-called plastic arts

That get the clean-up treatment.

Desdemona...

Come on, dears!

And those continentals had better watch out

For their dirty foreign literature.

Jean-paul sartre and jean genet won't know what's hit them.

Never mind the foulness of their language--

Come '73, they'll all have to write in british.

You can keep your fastidious continental bidets, mrs. foreigner--

Mrs. britain knows how to keep her feet clean.

But she'll battle like bingo, boys

When it comes to keeping the tv screen clean.

Better watch out for those nasty continental shows

On the sneaky second channel.

But apart from attacking

That prurient hotbed of left-wing continentalism

At shepherds bush

What else do these ordinary mums think?

Do they accept hegelianism?

No!

Do they prefer leibnitz to wittgenstein?

No! no!

And where do they stand on young people?

Just here, dear.

Their power is growing daily

And when these girls roll their sleeves up

It's arms all the way.

Yes, this is the way to fight

The constant war against pornography.

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Where is the doctor?

Hello!

Are you the brain specialist?

Hello!

Are you the brain specialist?

No!

No, I am not the brain specialist.

No, no, I am not!

Yes! yes, I am!

My brain hurts!

Well, let's take a look at it, mr. gumby.

No, no, no...

My brain in my head.

Oh!

It'll have to come out.

Out... of my head?

Yes! all the bits of it.

Nurse!

Nurse!

Nurse!

Nurse!

Nurse, take mr. gumby to a... brain surgeon.

Yes, doctor.

Where's the lancet?

He's brilliant, you know.

Where's the bloody lancet?

My brain hurts, too.

Gloves...

Glasses...

Moustache...

Handkerchief...

I'm going to operate!

Operate, operate...

Get bits of brain!

Get bits of brain!

Hello!

Oh!

Oh!

We forgot the anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

I've come to anesthetize you!

Good evening.

Tonight I'd like to talk to you about... oh, uh...

Excuse me, this is all wrong.

One moment.

Hello, again.

As I was saying...

Ah, oh, wait, this is still not quite right.

Sorry.

No, no, sorry, no, not right.

Ah, this is better.

Now, tonight I want to look at the meaning of life...

Oh! ow! oh! oh!

No, no, no...

No, no, please!

Hmm, ah, well...

This'll do nicely.

Good evening.

Tonight I'd like to talk to you

About the meaning of life

In the context of...

The 9:00 news, which was to have followed

has been canceled tonight

so we can bring you the quarterfinals

of the all-essex badminton championship.

Your commentator as usual is edna o'brien.

Hullo, fans.

Begorra, an' to be sure there's some fine badminton

down there in essex this afternoon.

We really...

Hmm.

George?

Yes, gladys?

There's a man here with a moustache.

I already got one.

All right, all right, all right

What's he want, then?

He says, do we want

A documentary on mollusks?

Mollusks?!

Yes!

What's he mean, "mollusks"?

Mollusks!

Gastropods, lamellibranchs, cephalopods!

Oh, mollusks.

I thought you said "bacon."

All right, all right, all right, all right.

What's he charge, then?

It's free.

Oh! where does he want us to sit?

He says yes!

Good evening.

Tonight, mollusks.

The mollusk is a soft-bodied, unsegmented invertebrate animal

Usually protected by a large shell.

One of the most numerous groups of invertebrates

It is exceeded in number of species

Only by the arthropods, viz...

Not very interesting, is it?

What?

I was talking to him.

Oh.

Anyway, the typical mollusk, viz a snail...

Consists of a prominent muscular portion--

The head-foot-- a visceral mass and a shell

Which is secreted by the free edge of the mantle.

Dreadful, isn't it?

What?

I was talking to him!

Oh... well, anyway...

In some mollusks, however, viz, slugs

The shell is absent or rudimentary.

Switch him off.

Whereas in others, viz cephalopods

The head-foot is greatly modified

And forms tentacles, viz the squid.

What are you doing?

Switching you off.

Don't you like it?

Oh, it's dreadful.

Embarrassing.

Is it?

Yes, it's perfectly awful.

Disgraceful!

I don't know how they got the nerve to put it on.

It's so boring.

Well, it's not much of a subject, is it?

Be fair.

What do you think, george?

Give him another 20 seconds.

All right.

Anyway, the majority of mollusks

Are included in three large groups:

The gastropods, the lamellibranchs

And the cephalopods.

We know that!

However, what is more interesting

Is the, uh... mollusk's, uh...

Sex life.

Oh!

Yes, the mollusk is a randy little fellow

Whose primitive brain scarcely strays

From the subject of you-know-what.

Disgusting!

Ought not to be allowed.

The randiest of the gastropods

Is the limpet.

This hot-blooded little beast

With its tentlike shell is always on the job.

Its extramarital activities

Are something startling.

Frankly, I don't know how the female limpet

Finds the time to adhere to the rock face.

How am I doing?

Disgusting.

But more interesting.

Oh, yes.

Another loose-living gastropod is the periwinkle.

This shameless little libertine

With its characteristic ventral locomotion...

Is not the marrying kind--

"anywhere, anytime" is its motto.

Up with the shell and they're at it.

What about the lamellibranchs?

I'm coming to them.

The great scallop...

This tatty, scrofulous old rapist

Is second in depravity only to the common clam.

This latter is a right whore!

A harlot, a trollop

A cynical, bed-hopping, firm-breasted

Rabelaisian bit of seafood

That makes fanny hill look like a dead pope.

And finally among the lamellibranch bivalves

That most depraved of the whole subspecies, the whelk.

The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind.

This gay boy of the gastropods

This queer crustacean, this mincing mollusk

This screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep

Makes me sick.

Have you got one?

Here!

Let's kill it.

Disgusting!

There, that'll teach it.

Well, thank you for a very interesting program.

Oh, not at all, thank you.

Yes, that was very nice.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

And good night.

And now a word from the man in the...

Street.

Anyway...

Ooo...

Coochy, coochy, coochy...

...dear little fellow.

Look at the twinkle in his eye.

Oh, he's a little dear, isn't he?

You shouldn't let him suck on a dummy, my dear.

Oh, my god... no!

Don't touch it!

The minister for not listening to people

Toured batley today to investigate allegations

Of victimization in home-loan improvement grants

Made last week by the shadow-minister

For judging people at first sight

To be marginally worse than they actually are.

At the home office, the minister for inserting himself

In between chairs and walls in men's clubs

Was at his desk after a short illness.

He spent the morning dealing with the irish situation

And later in the day had long discussions

With the minister for running upstairs two at a time

Flinging the door open

And saying, "ha, ha, caught you, mildred."

In the commons there was another day of heated debate

On the third reading of the trade practices bill.

Mr. roland penrose

The undersecretary for making deep growling noises...

Launched a bitter personal attack

On the ex-minister for delving deep into a black satin bag

And producing a tube of euthymol toothpaste.

Later in the debate

The junior minister for being frightened

By any kind of farm machinery

Challenged the undersecretary of state

For hiding from terence rattigan

To produce the current year's trading figures

As supplied by the department of stealing packets of bandages

From the self-service counter at timothy whites

And selling them again at a considerable profit.

Parliament rose at 11:30

And, crawling along a dark passageway into the old rectory

Broke down the door to the serving hatch

Painted the spare room

And next weekend I think they'll be able

To make a start on the boys' bedroom.

While amy and roger-- up in london for two days--

Go to see the mysterious mr. grenville.

He in turn has been revealed by d'arcy

As something less than an honest man.

Sybil feels once again

A resurgence of her old affection

And she and balreau return

To her little house in clermont-ferrand--

The kind of two-up, two-down house

That most french workers-- and, indeed, most workers

Throughout the european community-- are living in today.

The ease of construction

Using on-site prefabrication facilities

Makes cheap housing a reality.

The walls of these houses are lined

With prestressed asbestos, which keeps the house warm and snuggly

And ever so safe from the big bad rabbit

Who can scratch and scratch for all he's worth

But he just can't get into porky's house.

Where is porky?

Here he is.

What a funny little chap.

But porky is one of the lucky ones.

He survived the urban upheaval of the '30s and '40s.

For him, jarrow is still just a memory.

The hunger marches, the east end riots

The collapse of the labor government in 1931

Are dim reminders of the days

Before a newfound affluence swept the land

Making it clean and tidy

And making all the shops full of nice things:

Lovely choo-choo trains and toys

And shiny cars that go "brrm, brrm, brrm"

And everybody was happy and singing all the day long

And nobody saw the big bad rabbit ever again.

But, of course, it's all very easy

To blame the big bad rabbit

When by-elections are going against the government.

Ut how often do you think

We should really be blaming ourselves?

Because, you know, that's where we ought to start looking.

Hello... all the activity you can see here in progress

Is part of the intricate...

Preparations for the british naval expedition to lake pahoe.

The leader of the expedition is

Sir jane russell.

Sir jane, what is the purpose of your expedition?

Well, this is a completely uncharted lake

With, like, hitherto unclassified marine life, man

So the whole scene's wide open for a scientific exploration.

One can see the immense amount of preparation involved.

Have there been many difficulties

In setting up this venture?

Well, the real hang-up was with the bread, man

But when the top-brass pigs came through

We got it together in a couple of moons.

Commodore betty grable, who's a real sub-aqua head

Has got it together diving-wise

And, like, the whole gig's been a real gas, man.

Thank you.

Lieutenant commander dorothy lamour.

Pieces of eight.

Dorothy, you're in charge of the security and liaison

For this operation.

Right on.

You've kept this all very hush-hush so far, shipmate.

Yeah, it's been really heavy, man

With all these freaks from the fascist press

Trying to blow the whole scene.

There's no doubt about it

This expedition does have

Some rather unusual aspects, jim lad.

For a start, why do the senior personnel all bear the names

Of hollywood film stars of the '40s

And female ones at that?

Shiver me timbers, 'tis the black spot

And secondly, I be not afraid of thee, blind pew!

Why do they talk this rather strange, stilted

Underground jargon?

Belay the main brace, squire trelawney, this be my ship now!

Ah! a tranquilizing dart fired

By the cowardly bbc health department dogs.

They've done filled me full of chlorpromazine! damn!

I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behavior.

The navy's out of sight!

Come together with the r.n.

It really is something other than else.

Can you dig it, man?

Hello... I'm sorry about my colleague's

Rather unconventional behavior just now

But things haven't been too easy for him recently--

Trouble at home--

Rather confidential, so I can't give you all the details

Interesting though they are.

Three bottles of rum with his weetabix, and so forth.

Anyway... apparently, the girl wasn't even...

Anyway, the activity you see behind me...

It's the mother I feel sorry for.

I'll start again.

The activity you see behind me is part of the preparations

For the new naval expedition to lake pahoe.

The man in charge of this expedition is

Vice admiral sir john cunningham.

Sir john, hello, there.

Hello... well, first of all

I'd like to apologize

For the behavior of certain of my colleagues

You may have seen earlier

But they are from broken homes

Circus families and so on

And they are in no way representative

Of the new, modern, improved british navy.

They are a small, vociferous minority.

And may I take this opportunity

Of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism

In the british navy--

Absolutely none.

And when I say none

I mean there is a certain amount--

More than we are prepared to admit--

But all new ratings are warned

That if they wake up in the morning

And find any tooth marks at all

Anywhere on their bodies

They're to tell me immediately

So that I can immediately take every measure

To hush the whole thing up.

And finally, necrophilia is right out.

Now, this expedition is primarily

To investigate reports of cannibalism and necrophilia in...

This expedition is primarily

To investigate reports of unusual marine life

In the as-yet uncharted lake pahoe.

And where exactly is the lake?

Uh... 22a, runcorn avenue.

Yes, that's right, 22a.

Runcorn avenue?

Yes, it's just by blenheim crescent.

Do you know it?

Uh, you mean it's in an ordinary street?

It is not an ordinary street--

It's got a lake in it!

Yes, but i...

Look, how many streets do you know

That have got lakes in them?

I mean, is it very large?

Of course it's not large.

You couldn't get a large lake in runcorn avenue!

You'd have to knock down the tobacconist's!

Jenkins...

No!

I'm now standing in runcorn avenue.

Sir john, where exactly is the lake?

Uh, well let's see, that's 18...

That's 20, so this must be the one.

Um, excuse me, um...

Yes, this is the one, all right.

But it's an ordinary house.

Look, I'm getting pretty irritated

With this line of questioning.

But it doesn't even look like a lake.

Look, your whole approach since this interview started

Has been to mock the navy.

When I think that for the likes of you

I had both my legs blown off...

But you haven't had both your legs blown off!

I was talking metaphorically, you fool.

Jenkins...

Put that down.

Right, is the equipment ready?

Diving equipment all ready, man.

Right... now, quite simply

The approach to lake pahoe is up the steps

And then we come to the shores of the lake.

Now, I'm going to press the bell

Just to see if there's anyone in.

Hello?

Good morning, I'm looking for a lake pahoe.

There's a mr. padgett.

No, no, a lake.

There's no lake here, mate.

This is runcorn avenue.

What's that camera doing?

Camera? what's he want?

Ooh, are we on the telly?

He's looking for a lake.

Lake pahoe.

Oh, you want downstairs, 22a, the basement.

Ah! thank you very much, good morning.

Come on, men, downstairs.

Uh, were you successful, sir john?

It's in the basement.

In the basement?

Pieces of eight!

Ugh!

Hello?

Oh, I think it's someone about the damp.

Hello.

Tell them

About the bleeding rats, too.

I'll go.

Yes?

Good morning, is this lake pahoe?

Well, I don't know about that, but it's bleeding damp.

Are you from the council?

No, we are the official british naval expedition to this lake.

May we come in?

Hang on.

Bloody sharks.

Get back in...

Get in.

Get in.

Well, that would appear to be the end of the expedition.

The magna carta--

Was it a document signed at runnymede

In 1215 by king john

Pledging independence to the english barons

Or was it a piece of chewing gum on a bedspread in dorset?

The latter idea is the brainchild of a man

New to the field of historical research.

Mr. badger, why... why are you on this program?

Well, I think I can answer this question

Most successfully in mime.

But why dorset?

Well, I have for a long time been suffering

From a species of brain injury

Which I incurred during the rigors of childbirth

And I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose.

Mr. badger, I think you're the silliest person

We've ever had on this program

And so I'm going to ask you

To have dinner with me.

My wife maureen ran off with a bottle of bell's whiskey

During the aberdeen versus raith rovers match

Which ended in a goal-less draw.

Robson, particularly, in goal, had a magnificent first half

His fine positional sense preventing the build-up

Of any severe pressure on the suspect aberdeen defense.

Mcloughlan missed an easy chance

To clinch the game towards the final whistle

But raith must be well satisfied

With their point.

Do please go on.

This is the least fascinating conversation I've ever had.

Would you like to order, sir?

Yes, mr. badger, what would you like to start with?

Uh, I'll have a whiskey to start with.

For first course, sir?

Aye.

And for main course, sir?

Uh, I'll have a whiskey for main course

And I'll follow that with a whiskey for pudding.

Yes, sir, and what would you like with it, sir? a whiskey?

No, a bottle of wine.

"fine, sir," he said between clenched teeth

Knowing full well it was a most unrewarding part.

This is the silliest sketch I've ever been in.

Shall we stop it?

Yeah, all right.

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