All language subtitles for Marriage On The Rocks 1965

Hmm. It's a good start
but we can do better than that.

Needs a little more impact.
Go back to the outline we had.

Yes, Mr. Edwards.

This gatefold is for the large- circulation
magazines.

- We made the changes you suggested.
- Good. Very good.

- Thank you, sir.
- What's next?

We'd like your thoughts
on the placement of the models.

- Who's the sketch artist?
LOLA: Excuse me.

Telephone for you, Mr. Brewer.

Lola, I'm in conference.
I asked you to hold all calls.

I did the sketch, sir.

Where do you propose
we place the modeI?

ARTIST: Well, if we'd put one here
and another one over here...

...it will balance the composition.

Very good. Go right ahead with it.

This is the storyboard
for the TV layout.

DAN:
This the first commerciaI?

MAN:
Yes, with the dialogue under each cut.

Well, baby, if I didn't have to
take care of my dear old mother...

...I'd marry you. Why, certainly.

Look, why can't we discuss this
at my place tonight, huh?

Why, sure.

- All right, I'll see you there at midnight?
WOMAN: Fine, bye.

Yeah. Bye.

When you make the changes
in the TV campaign...

...be sure you stress
the sponsor identification.

MAN: Yes, sir.
DAN: Ernie, you follow up, will you?

Magazine ads, check.
Newspaper ads...

These- -

- What is this?
- For Mrs. Edwards.

Oh, not now, Mr. Bruno.
I'm very busy.

- But If you want me to deliver to Mrs. - -
- All right, Mr. Bruno.

- Ernie. Take a look at these, will you?
ERNIE: Here.

- It's your wife.
- But she likes your taste.

That pin you picked out our last
anniversary, she was crazy about.

Well, in that case, how about this?

Just fine. Fine. Thank you.

- Now who's handling the radio spots?
ARTIST: I am, sir.

Mr. Edwards, what do you want
me to say on the card?

Uh, say, uh, " Happy- - " " Happy- - "
How many years has it's been?

Nineteen.

"Happy 19th wedding anniversary.

From someone
who will love you always. "

Signed, " Guess who. "

- Ha- ha. Yes, sir. Thank you.
- Thank you. Radio spots.

- You wanted to tell me something.
- I want to run them 10 or 12 times a day.

And I made some notations about
a few changes in the sound effects.

Mr. Brewer, uh,
will follow up with you on it.

- Yes, sir.
- And one thing more.

You know that this final preparation
has to be finished in two weeks.

Mr. Turner, of the company,
is coming out to give us a once- over.

Now, if we score...

...it'll mean it'll be the biggest account
we've ever had.

That's all. Thank you.

ERNIE: Well, of course
I'm serious about you, Debbie.

WOMAN 1 [ON PHONE]:
You know it-

ERNIE:
I'm not the type that takes advantage.

WOMAN 1:
Of course not, you love me.

ERNIE: Look, why don't we discuss this
tonight at my place at the beach?

Seven o'clock. I'm cooking.

Love you. Miss you.

- Take her to dinner another night.
- Well, her boyfriend's a pilot.

- I have to work around his schedule.
- How about doing work around here?

[PHONE RINGS]

Business. Excuse me.

- Mr. Brewer speaking.
WOMAN 2: Hello, it's Susan.

Oh, Susan?

Well, how about dinner at my place
tonight at the beach?

- Seven o'clock? Drive carefully.
- I'll be there.

Love you. Miss you.

Just a minute. Didn't you just
make a date at 7:00 with-?

I know, I know. But you don't know
anything about being a bachelor.

You've always got to have something
in the bullpen.

If the weather is bad
and her boyfriend is grounded-

I got it. One of these days,
these girls are gonna show up...

...at the same time
and you're gonna get shot.

Oh, but what a cuckoo firing- squad.

[PHONE RINGS]

Are you running a book
or something here?

Business. Business.

Hello, Mr. Brewer speaking.

Oh, Debbie.

Oh. Well, you call me if the fog lifts.

Why don't you settle down
and get married? Find a nice girI.

I did, but you married her.

Oh, she just picked the better man.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
eloping with an 18- year- old kid.

Here I am in the twilight of my life,
approaching middle- age...

...a lonely bachelor.
And what have I got?

Only the best collection of dames
in town.

Yeah, but I'd give it all up
to have a family like yours.

[PHONE RINGS]

A minute.

Mr. Brewer speaking.

Oh, Susan.

Oh, you can't make it.

Well, I understand.

No apologies needed.

- What time's dinner?
- Seven o'clock.

And after we eat, we'll watch TV.
There's a great fight on.

Thanks, but don't you think
it would be more romantic...

...to spend your anniversary
with your wife alone tonight?

I don't have to be romantic.

I am married.

And the one good thing about being
married for 19 years is that I can relax.

You ought to try it sometime.

Well, you find me someone like VaI.

VaI? It's not only VaI.
I work hard at being married.

I'm a great father
and a good husband.

That's why today,
Valerie is a happy, contented wife.

I want to divorce Dan. D- I- V- O- R- C- E.

On the grounds of boredom.
Just plain boredom.

Valerie, this comes as a shock.
I'm not just a lawyer.

I've been a friend of the family
for years.

- What will divorce get you?
- Freedom.

- A chance to live, to know life.
- Valerie, take it easy.

You're emotionally upset.

- Have a glass of water.
- I don't want water, I want a divorce.

Valerie, you're just
feeling sorry for yourself.

After 19 years of marriage,
you're beginning to get bored.

Why don't you take
a second honeymoon?

A second honeymoon?
I didn't like my first.

Now, now, now, don't get upset.
Let's discuss this calmly.

Now, now, have you ever
mentioned divorce to Dan?

I've never even discussed marriage
with him.

I was 18 and in Vegas and,
whoops, I had it.

Now, I want a divorce
on the grounds of boredom.

Boredom is not legally acceptable
as grounds for a divorce.

Then they'll have to change the law.

Because boredom is responsible
for 95 percent of divorces.

Divorce proves nothing.

You're merely trading off the evils
of one man for another.

Now look,
you've probably had a family quarreI-

If he would only quarreI, I'd love it.

If he'd do anything
to break the monotony.

But no, he's just so secure
in his marriage...

...he just sits and looks at television.

I could have married Ernie.

But no, I picked Dan because
everything we used to do was such fun.

And now he's just dull.

Ah. Now I get the picture.

Dan is preoccupied with his work.

He feels sure of you.
You feel neglected.

- You're getting a little older.
- A lot older.

I told you, I'm a realist.

And you're starting to feel insecure.

Now, what do we do about it?

We stop playing analyst and we sit down
and draw up the divorce papers.

Everybody's getting a divorce.

I'll be one of the in- people.

- Oh, you feel marriage is outdated?
- Yes, I do.

I think it's putting a permanent solution
to a temporary nervousness.

Would you tell that to your daughter?

- I might.
- Well, don't.

Marriage isn't perfect but it will have
to do until we think of something better.

You've got to try once more, VaI.

Look, instead of paying me a big fee,
why don't you go down to Saks...

...and buy yourself a black negligee?

You'll be surprised at the results.

- I will?
- Absolutely. I guarantee it.

And then take my advice
and try for a second honeymoon.

- It's worth it.
- Well, I love Dan but-

No buts. Think of your children.

- They'll thank you for it.
- Oh, I don't know.

Practically everybody in my neighborhood
is divorced.

My children feel strange and left out.

Oh, Mrs. Edwards, that's not for you.

That's our over- the- hill modeI.

Mostly for rich Texans.

Now, this just came in
direct from Paris.

And it looks like you.

It's called Viva la Derriere.

Trust me.
It will be perfect for what you want.

Wow, it better do what I want.
It costs more than a washing machine.

SALESLAD Y:
Honey...

...this will do things a washing machine
never even thought of.

Rollo, how did you ever manage
to get a Honda?

David, my entire life has been changed
since that wonderful thing happened.

- My parents got a divorce.
- They gave you a Honda to celebrate?

Out of guilt,
and that's only the beginning.

I got a new tennis racket,
a catcher and pitcher's mitt.

I've lost a father
but I gained a sporting goods store.

Gee, divorce did all this for you?

See? Look at the new watch.

My mother gave it to me
during one of her crying jags.

- Why?
- My mother wanted me...

...and my father wanted me.

Since then, it's been the easy life.

- Who did you go with?
- Well, that's the trick.

You play them against each other.

Whenever I want anything I say,
"I'm the result of a broken home.

I'm a step away from becoming
a juvenile delinquent. "

- And then they both go to pieces.
- Really?

And that's only the beginning.

My dad can't pass a toy store now
without dropping in.

He's hardly a challenge to me
anymore.

I wouldn't want my parents
to divorce.

- They love each other.
- Well, you can't all be lucky.

But it's vital that I move out
of the house.

It's positively...

Well, it's mid- Victorian
for an 18- year- old girI...

...not to be allowed to live
her own life.

Now look, honey, for a decision like that,
you have to see your father.

TRACY:
I can't talk to him.

He's not like you.

Worldly, sophisticated,
understanding.

I know, when they made me,
they threw away the mold.

Now, will you please go in and talk to
Daddy about letting me live with Lisa?

How old is Lisa?

She's 23 and she dances
at the Cafe A- Go- Go.

- Ohh.
- Now will you talk to Daddy?

Well, it's easy, Tracy.

You just walk right through that door
and you say:

"Look, Dad, I wanna live
with Lisa Sterling and that's that.

I am asking you now but if you say no,
I'm telling you. "

- You got it?
- Fine.

- Good.
- Only you go in and say it.

No, we'll go in together.

You talk and I'll be right behind you.

Thanks for nothing.

Oh, Tracy, I'm no coward, it's just-

You gotta think of me
as the Supreme Court.

Now go ahead. Go on and good luck.

I don't care what your Uncle Ernie said,
David...

...you cannot have a Honda
until you're 16.

Rollo's 14 and he has one.

Good. You can take your bike
and ride to his funeraI...

...but be sure you wear a tie.

I am not showing favoritism, David.

Your sister, Tracy, will not be allowed
to go and live with Lisa.

Goodbye.

Hi, pumpkin, what can I do for you?

I wish Ernie were my father.

Will you stop playing
part- time father?

Try being a father 24 hours a day
and see the difference.

Now you're gonna spoil it-

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

- Yes?
- Mr. Brewer...

...a young man by the name of David
Edwards wants to talk with you.

He says it's urgent.

Tell young David
I'm in conference with his dad.

What a family.

You know, it's times like this that I wish
you had married Val instead of me.

Hi, Tracy.

How's my girl tonight?

Look...

...you're gonna have to talk
to me eventually, I'm your daddy.

How about a smile?

Let me see if those braces
were worth the money.

Now, Tracy,
you know you're my favorite.

Well, then, Daddy,
why don't you show it?

We could get along so beautifully
if you'd just give me my own way.

Sure, that would be easy,
but what kind of a father would I be?

No, I'd rather fight you now than
see you make serious mistakes later.

I'll run away and marry Jim tomorrow.

Stop using your brother's tactics
on me...

...and quit whining, Tracy,
you're making an old man out of me.

Oh, Daddy, you're younger
than any of the kids at schooI.

- Except Uncle Ernie.
- Sure.

Oh, I haven't offended you, have I?

No, he's 12.

Take a sip. Live it up.

Ew.

I love you, Daddy.
You're the best in the whole world.

I love you too.

If you'd only let me live with Lisa.

No, Tracy, no.

Oh, hi, Tracy, baby.

What, you just poured for one?

What are you grinning about?

Well, I'm a happy kid.

Can't I be happy?

Has he been trying to hustle you
for a Honda?

What are you cracking, Dan?
I never even discussed it with him.

Uncle Ernie, where does Dad
get his suspicious mind?

- He sure didn't inherit it from us.
- It's the executive in him, kid.

Go ahead, all three of you.
Have your fun. Have a good time.

Old Dad is square.
He doesn't know what's going on.

Dan, it's your family
but I know about young girls.

Please, nothing about your personal life
while the kids are here.

Daddy, you should listen
to Uncle Ernie.

He's a wise old man.

Hey, I wasn't too crazy
about that last part.

Dad, you think you're having trouble
with us...

...wait till you tackle Grandma.

What's wrong with her?

Ever since you refused to buy her
that color TV set...

...she's been hitting the sauce.

Now, you cut that out.

You know very well
your grandmother doesn't drink.

All right, Dad, if you wanna play
the old game of cough medicine...

...I'll go along with you.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING ]

What's that?

I think that's old Granny
coming for the rye.

DAN:
This is no laughing matter.

She's playing the battle march
of the MacPhersons.

- Hey, Tracy, you come back here.
TRACY: You're on your own, Daddy.

DAN:
Come here, you little coward.

She likes you better.
You stay and talk to her.

Sorry, Dad. Uncle Ernie,
I'll give you 2- to- 1 on Grandma.

- No bet.
- Listen, you wait a minute.

You're a drinking man,
you understand her.

I can't stand a woman
that can hold her liquor-

- You want your raise, you stay.
- That's blackmaiI.

That's right. Come on with me.
Hurry up. Come on.

DAN:
Hey.

Oh, Jeannie,
I didn't hear you come in.

- Hey.
- Care for a drink?

No, thanks. It's too early for me.

You look lovely tonight, Jeannie.

What beautiful kilts.

Who is this man addressing me?

Now don't you start that again.

If you wanna look at color TV,
you can go to my room and watch it.

I don't believe we've met, sir,
and I never talk to strangers at a bar.

Well, let me introduce you.
This is your son- in- law, Dan Edwards.

This is your mother- in- law,
Jeannie MacPherson.

I want a nice clean fight
and may the best man win.

You can't be all that angry
over a little thing like a TV set.

My anger started 19 years ago
before television was invented.

How can you hold a grudge
for 19 years?

To the MacPhersons...

...a 19- year- old grudge
is hardly worth talking about.

We hated the Campbells
and we hated the English far longer.

- Well, I'll drink to that.
- Quiet.

If you want another TV set,
you'll have to talk to Val about it.

Who's VaI?

Look, I had a tough day
at the office today, Jeannie.

And the kids gave me
a rough time tonight.

And I'm in no mood to play games.
But if I must, I must.

Val is my wife, right?

Wrong.

Valerie MacPherson is unmarried...

...and living with a man
called Dan Edwards with two children.

- You're not gonna start that again.
- Aye, that again, laddie.

A man who would take a bit
of blooming heather from an old lady...

...and crush it in a civil ceremony
in Las Vegas...

...deserves to be horsewhipped.

I'll drink to that.

For your information,
we were legitimately married...

...by a justice of the peace.

Now, I'm sorry
we weren't married in a church...

...but all of that ended 19 years ago.

In the eyes of Las Vegas,
you're married...

...but in the eyes
of Jeannie MacPherson...

...her only daughter is living in sin.

I hope there's enough water in it
for you.

Ach! Justice of the peace.

When I buried my poor husband...

...we had a bigger ceremony
than you had.

[PLAYING ]

Where do you suppose
she puts all that booze?

In her bagpipes.

[KNOCKS]

- Good evening, sir.
DAN: Hi, Jim, come on in.

Mr. Brewer.

- Hi, kid.
- Tracy's upstairs.

- She'll be down in a minute.
- You would care for a drink?

No, no, I don't need
the stimulation of alcohoI.

I wish Grandma felt like you do.

Yes, Mrs. MacPherson, a classic case.
A classic case.

She drinks because she's unhappy.

And she's unhappy
because she drinks.

It's what we, in psychiatry, call
an interlocking neuroses with herself.

Oh, well, then is that why
she plays the bagpipes?

- She thinks she's Louis Armstrong?
- That is a sublimation.

- Oh, that I can understand.
- Yeah, it makes sense to me too.

Oh, Mrs. MacPherson is not
the only problem in this household.

DAN:
Uh- huh.

Young David is of quite a concern
to me.

You think, perchance,
he's a little devious?

No, no, he seems to be
quite forthright.

But, of course,
I have an advantage over you.

I meet him on his own leveI.

He does have anxieties, though,
don't you agree?

Let's call a spade a spade.
The kid's crooked.

- Now, who is to say who is crooked?
- The cops.

Well, I've thought about him
a lot lately anyway.

After all,
we're potential brothers- in- law.

I'm glad to hear that, Jim.

When you and Tracy get married,
he can go live with you.

Well, for instance:

His desire for a Honda is a symboI.

A symbol of his lack of love.

He's reaching out, searching.
Searching for...

For you, Mr. Edwards.

- Are you paying attention?
- Every word.

We had a very similar case
in my Abnormal Psychology class...

...where a shy, introverted,
reticent young boy...

...was grasping
for his father's affection...

...didn't get it, and therefore reacted
in the most normal manner possible.

- How was that?
- He killed his father with an ax.

- I'll drink to that.
- Cheers.

Jim, have you got the top down
on the car?

- Oh, yes, it's down.
- Good.

I'll help you put it up.

Now, I like the top down.

ERNIE:
Look...

...why don't you keep your side down
and put her side up?

Oh, that's an excellent suggestion.

- The fight's on.
- Yeah, yeah.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
And in this corner-

Who do you like?

- The guy on the right.
- Right.

-and a half pounds,
from Danfield, New York...

Is this bar for men only?

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, VaI.

What's for dinner?
What are we eating?

Does this look like an apron?

He looks a little light.

Hey, hey, you turned off the fight.

You won't miss it, there's going to be
a doozy here in a minute.

I think she's trying
to tell you something.

I will start with a cliche.

Do you know what day this is?

Happy anniversary, darling.

You look scrumptious.
Doesn't she look lovely?

Yeah, champagne for the lady.

Now, we are going out
to dine at LaRue...

...and then we are going to the opening
of Trini Lopez at the Cafe A- Go- Go.

Right, love?

- But I'm not dressed.
- I can wait.

But I invited this poor soul to dinner.

VALERIE:
He is welcome any time.

But he's not dressed.

Oh, but I have my dinner jacket
in back of the car.

A bachelor is always prepared.

Any more alibis, dear?

I bow to a most beautiful lady.

Thank you.

Happy anniversary.

I do love your present, Dan.

It goes so beautifully with my pin.

You do have marvelous taste.

Oh, it's all right.
You gotta thank Ernie, he picked it out.

Oh, well, thank you, Ernie.

- And you.
- Yes, dear?

Go get dressed.

Yes, sergeant.

Well, I've been telling you
for 19 years...

...you married the wrong guy.

Get in the back of your car
and get dressed.

[GO- GO MUSIC PLAYING ]

Daddy, how do you like it?

I hope they got a cure for it.

Aren't you gonna try it?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'd rather be home
watching the late, late, late movie.

I don't think your grandmother
should be having all the fun.

Please wait till you meet Lisa, Daddy.

That's her in the cage, see?

I can see why
they keep her in the cage.

Mrs. Edwards and Mr. Brewer...

...seem to be enjoying
these cannibalistic rites, huh?

Yeah, look at them.
They're dancing up a storm.

Your mother thinks she's 18 years old
and Uncle Ernie's fainted.

Poor souI, he doesn't know
he's going on reflexes.

Now, don't go away,
because Trini's back.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

[SINGING
"THERE WAS A SINNER MAN" ]

Let me hear everybody now.

[TRINI AND CROWD SINGING ]

TRINI:
Here we go.

Everybody.

Mrs. Edwards, in the vernacular
of this atmosphere...

...you were out of sight.

Well, as one zilch to another,
thank you.

Mother.

Well, come on, scuzz,
let's go find Lisa.

Oh, boy, that Ernie can dance.
But then he always could.

Natural talent.

I wish some of it would rub off
on your friend.

Are you ready to go home, dear?

[MUSIC PLAYING ]

Shall we do
"The Anniversary Waltz," dear?

Oh, I wouldn't think of breaking up
a championship team like this.

She's all yours, Ernie, take her away.

Well, come on, Ernie,
don't just sit there.

And, you,
I'll wake you when I get back.

- Pardon me.
LISA: Excuse me.

Daddy, this is Lisa.

- Lisa, my dad.
- Hello, Mr. Edwards.

How are you, dear?
Would you sit down?

- Thank you.
- While you two get acquainted...

...I'll go shake some of that intellect
loose from Jim.

- How old are you, Lisa?
- Twenty- three.

Well, in that case,
how would you like some champagne?

- I hate champagne.
- Oh?

Red, a double Scotch
and easy on the water.

Oh, you're a long hitter tonight.

I think the champagne's
a little better for you.

The last time I had champagne
was when my dad remarried.

I've hated it ever since.

Folks live in town here?

I have a pad above the strip.

My mom's swinging
on Long Island somewhere...

...and my dad is married
to some square in Indianapolis.

Your father approve of you
working in a place like this?

Well, we don't communicate much
anymore.

He's got his life and I've got mine.

- Red, where's my drink?
RED: Hang loose, Lisa, hang loose.

You don't approve of me, do you?

Well, we just met.

And you don't want Tracy
to share my pad with me, do you?

There's plenty of room
and I get lonely.

DAN:
It's not that, Lisa.

I just feel that a young girl should live
at home until she's married, don't you?

[SONG ENDS]
[CROWD CHEERS]

If she has a home to live at.

[MUSIC PLAYING ]

How are you two doing?

Great, on my side.
Your dad's a mellow groover.

Oh, my cage is calling.

Oh, well,
we'll see you after the show, Lisa.

Oh, some kids are coming over
to my pad after the show.

Why don't you bring your dad along?
He'd fit in.

Later, Mr. Edwards.

Well, what do you think of her,
Daddy?

I like her very much, Tracy,
but I also feel sorry for her.

- Glad you met her?
- Mm- hm.

I'd like to meet her father.

I think Lisa is a product of our times.

Oh, Jim, there's the gang.
You don't mind, do you, Daddy?

No, no,
we're going home anyway so-

Now, don't be late, Tracy,
because I...

VALERIE: Whew.
- Are you ready to go now?

I'm just getting started.
How about you, Ernie?

Oh, this is my life.
I could swing all night.

I've got a business to look after.

We must think of the business,
mustn't we?

- I don't have to spoil your fun.
- Have you any suggestions?

- Yes, Ernie can drive you home.
- That's not right. That's not right.

- Why not?
- That's not right.

After 19 years, if I can't trust you,
who am I going to trust?

- Good night.
- Good night.

So long, buddy.

He's getting old, Ernie,
don't you think?

He spends a lot of tough days
at the office, VaI.

Well, ready for some more dancing?

Why don't we just sit a while, huh?

- Tired?
- No, I have claustrophobia.

This thing is beginning
to close in on me.

Me too. Where will we go?

- Go?
- Mm.

But at this hour, what could be open?
What could be open?

I have heard of a place
that's open all night.

VaI, it's late.

Yes, I know, but I haven't seen the place
since you redecorated.

VALERIE:
Ooh.

Open fireplace with a real fire.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Just the right kind of music.

Bar not too far from the action.

Ernie, you've got it made.
It's a perfect trap.

It's homey.

It's scary.

But irresistible.

I love your subtlety.

That's real fur.

I'd expect nothing less
from a big- game hunter.

- How about a brandy?
- VaI, it's getting-

Yes, I know, it's getting late.
But I'd love a brandy.

- Ernie.
- Yeah.

Do you ever intend to marry?

Why?

Because if you do, don't.

- Why not?
- You'd turn into Dan.

Thank you.

Do you find me attractive, Ernie?

Why?

Oh, well, do you or don't you?

I don't understand the question.

Well, forget I'm Dan's wife.
Do you find me attractive?

Oh, I can't forget you're Dan's wife,
but you certainly are attractive.

Why doesn't Dan think so?

Oh, VaI, he's crazy about you.

You're the only girl in his life.
He looks at nobody at the office.

And I should know.

I know Dan's not a chaser.

That's his trouble.
He doesn't even chase me.

- That's good.
- No, that's bad.

Dan's become a square.

Hm. Remember what a swinger he was
when we were kids?

Well, he wasn't my type.
I liked you better.

Oh, you never had a chance
against the old Dan.

The present Dan...

...that's something different.

VaI, don't you think
you've had enough to drink?

Oh, I'm not tight.

I might appear a little aggressive
but I'm not tight.

I merely wish to state that Dan Edwards
has become very, very dull.

D- U- L- L, dull.

- Well, he has a lot of work at the office.
- He also has a wife who needs attention.

I better change the record.

Oh, sit down, Ernie.
I'm not trying to make a pass at you.

I'm merely trying to find out
if anything's wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You're as attractive today as you were
the day I met you.

In fact, I think you're much
better- looking now than you were then.

And if I'm right,
you were quite skinny.

I wasn't skinny. I was 18.
There's a difference.

You know, sometimes I wonder
what my life would have been...

...if I hadn't married Dan
and married you.

What I think you need
is a second honeymoon.

- Are you proposing?
- No. I mean with Dan.

Why don't you come down here
and spend a weekend with Dan?

And I'll go to your house
and stay with the kids.

Now, isn't that a good solution?

[YAWNS]

I think we'd better get back.
Dan will be worried.

Oh, Dan doesn't even know I'm alive.

Do you know what he's doing
right now?

[WHOOPING ON TV]

Whoops! Here they come.
Ready for the massacre.

DAN: Yeah, they've got twice as many
Indians tonight as they had last night.

JEANNIE:
Yeah.

Ooh! Here come the bad guys.

What bad guys?
That's the United States Cavalry.

JEANNIE:
I don't care who they are.

They must be the bad guys.

They're riding black horses.

Hello, Mother.

Hello, Dan.

DAN:
Oh, hi, VaI.

- Did you have a good time with Ernie?
- Oh, yes.

We drove over to his place.

Had a couple of drinks.

He's a smooth operator.

Oh, yeah.
All the girls are crazy about Ernie.

Mm. I think he's fascinating.

Jealous?

Ha- ha. About Uncle Ernie? No, no.

Would you two please be quiet?
There's a battle going on.

Oh, Mother, it's late.
I want to go to bed.

Well, just curl up, lass.
Don't mind me.

Oh, I hardly think after 19 years
of marriage...

...we need a chaperone.

Don't you be rude to your mother.

I wish you'd marry my daughter.

I did.

- But not in church.
- Not in a church.

Mother, would you please
leave Dan and me alone?

I can't leave.
The picture isn't over yet.

Dan, would you move the television set
into Mother's room, please?

Well...

Hospitality. Ha!

Good night, dear.

JEANNIE:
Good night.

- Hurry back, darling.
- You know what I can't understand...

...about your mother?

She wants to look at movies
on a color television set...

...and they're in black and white.

Well, mother says that black- and- white
movies look better in color.

Oh.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Good night, dear. Happy anniversary.

- Dan.
- Yeah?

I'm not sleepy.

Oh, well, uh...

...you wanna talk?

No, Dan, I don't want to talk.

We can't watch television.
The set's in your mother's room.

Darling, there are other things to do
besides sleeping...

...and talking and watching TV.

[KNOCKS]

Come in.

About your mother,
did you see what she just did?

I'm not interested in my mother.

And have you seen
David's report card?

I'm not interested in David.

Tracy's been on my back for days trying
to get me to okay her living with Lisa.

Dan, is that really
all you can think of?

Well, I don't know what else
to talk about, VaI.

- You're not interested in my work.
- I'm not interested in you. Period!

VaI, what are you,
crazy or something?

Hey, the door is locked.

Yes, and it's gonna stay locked.

If I have to sleep,
I'm gonna sleep alone.

Marital problems, Dad?

Go to bed, David.

For 25 cents,
you can sleep in the upper bunk.

David!

Blackmailer.

Tracy, you've gotta let me come in.

- It's late, Jim.
- But this is bad for me physically.

Jim, we're only engaged.

I'm not gonna do anything drastic.

It's just that my feet hurt.

Ooh.

[WHISPERING ]
Don't make any noise.

We don't wanna wake them up.

[ALL YELL]

Daddy, what are you doing
on the couch?

I'm sleeping on the couch.
What do you think, reupholstering it?

- What's going on here?
- I'm sorry. It's my fault.

I was gonna explain Freud's theory
of sex and premarital relationships.

- What?
- But it can wait.

Out! Get out! Okay, upstairs.

Upstairs. Out, you.

TRACY:
Good night, Daddy.

- Good night, Jim.
- Out.

- Good night. I'll tell you tomorrow.
- Out.

Out.

Sir, I don't wanna tell you
how to run your family...

...but Jung, a disciple of Freud, says that
hostility between father and daughter...

...can leave its mark
on grandchildren.

I'll tell them when they get here.
Get out, go home.

Hostile.

DAN:
What a nutty family.

What am I doing on a settee?

Premarital relationships, indeed.

Well, now, let me see.

"Application.

Position of secretary-" Oh, here it is.

But it says here
that your first name is Kitty.

Uh- huh. With two T's.

Oh.

Well, have you had any, uh,
previous experience?

I'm a Yale graduate.

My family has money.

How many words a minute
did you say you typed?

Oh, does the job require typing?

Well, not much.
It's just a little portable typewriter.

I suppose I could learn.

I could teach you.

Uh, do you know any shorthand?

I have my own crazy system
but you wouldn't understand it.

Well, it don't matter much.
I don't have that much correspondence.

Ah- ah.

Work and play don't mix.

Good, you're fired.

I haven't been hired yet.

Oh, forget about secretarial work,
it's beneath you.

Now, why don't you
go into that room...

...and slip into something
more comfortable?

Like what?

Well, like something for, um...

...midnight swimming?

- I can't swim.
- Good.

Helpless. I like that.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who's that?

I didn't hear anything.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- You're not married, are you?
- I'm not even engaged.

Good.

I'll wait for you in the other room.

Smart move.

I couldn't sleep and I felt like talking.
Are you busy?

No, I was just going over a client.

Forget business. This is personaI.

Can't it wait till morning?
I got sleepy.

You're the best friend I got.
I gotta talk to somebody but-

At 3:30 in the morning,
there's nothing I'd rather do...

...than chat with you
over some hot cocoa.

- What's your problem?
- My problem is VaI.

She's acting peculiar.

- Peculiar? How?
- I don't know.

I can't find the words.
She's been acting-

- Restless?
- Yeah, restless. Did you notice it too?

Well, she did seem kind of high- strung
when she was here.

What do you think it is?

Oh, hell,
I don't know anything about women.

Oh, sure, like Einstein didn't know
anything about mathematics.

ERNIE:
I mean married women.

I love Val very much and I've never
looked at another woman.

- She locked me out of our bedroom.
- Have another key made.

Oh, will you get serious?

There's nothing wrong
with the marriage-

No, it's solid.
She's as happy and contented as a cow.

Well, that sounds romantic.

She's crazy about you.

Did she say anything tonight
that might help my problem?

Well, she did hint at
being a little tired.

Tired?

With a washing machine,
a drying machine, a cook and a maid...

...and two cars in the garage,
she's tired?

Oh, she's as happy as a kid with you.
It's just that-

Well, why don't you take her
on a second honeymoon?

What for?

Well, you need a vacation...

...and you and me, we were going
to Mexico, to go fishing.

You take her instead of me.

No, I'd rather go with you.
You're more laughs.

Look, paI, if it's for your happiness,
I'll step aside.

You take her to Mexico.
Second honeymoon.

I'll handle all the office work.

You might have something there.

It's a good idea.

You're a real pal. I love you, kid.

Well, why don't you turn on the music
and let the little one lead?

When did we pick up that account?

[CHILDREN SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

DAN:
Is this the hoteI?

- Is this La Casa Alegria?
- How much?

[DRIVER SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

- What?
- Two hundred pesos.

DAN: Oh.
- Oh, Dan, isn't it picturesque?

Yeah, it's picturesque, yeah.

[MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Is this La Casa Alegria?

Hey, buddy, wait, wait a minute, wait.
Plenty of room.

[MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Oh, welcome,
welcome to Puerta Villa.

I, Miguel Santos, greet you and
wish you a speedy marriage or divorce.

[SANTOS SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

There must be some mistake here.

There's only one place where everyone is
brought when they come to Puerta Villa.

- That is the office of Miguel Santos.
- But we want to go to La Casa Alegria.

In due time, senora.

- I told the cab driver to-
- Oh, he is in my pay, senor.

Now, senor and senora, what is it to be,
marriage or divorce, ah?

Either one can be done
with a minimum of difficulty, I-

[FLY BUZZING ]
[SANTOS SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I am an honest attorney.
Rates are the same for rich and poor.

It is what you call in America,
a blue plate speciaI.

Now, for a quick marriage-

[FLY BUZZING ]

For a quick marriage,
we have the $200 package.

This includes and gives you a choice
of mariachis...

...red or white wine,
the bridal suite and a shoeshine.

For $ 175,
only the red wine, no mariachis.

The shoeshine, well, you know-

- I don't think you understand, sir.
- Oh, please, please, senor.

I start with the deluxe.

I can marry or divorce you for $ 10
and you don't have to leave this office.

But we are married.

Yeah, well, senora-

- You are married?
- Yes.

For 19 years.

[SANTOS SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Oh, please don't feel badly about it.

If we want to get divorced,
we'll call you.

For $300, my deluxe divorce package.

This includes two professional criers.
Then maybe one or two or three-

Anything you want, senora.
Two, three, four, maybe-

Do you mind if we go
to the Casa Alegria now?

Yes, certainly, senor.

Estupido!

[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Wait a minute. What's the problem?
- He wants his cut for the divorce.

- He does not believe you are married.
- But look, we are married.

We're married.

[DAN WHISTLES]

Hold it! Oh!

- What's the problem?
- He wants his cut of the marriage.

But we've only been here
two minutes.

Oh, I've married four people
in less time than that.

- For me, it goes like this:
- Can we go to the hotel now?

Yes, certainly. Excuse me.

Hey, taxi. Hey, wait a minute.
Come back. Taxi!

Oh, look, there's the hoteI, see?
"La Casa Alegria. "

I'd rather go home.

Oh, Dan, give it a chance.

Rollo's mother said that Puerto Villa
is perfectly beautifuI.

For a divorce maybe,
but not for a second honeymoon.

Oh, come on.

You have a reservation?

DAN:
Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Dan Edwards.

Bueno, bueno.

- Mister and missus?
- Yes.

- You are married?
- Of course we're married.

Yes, we've been married for 19 years.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[RINGS BELL]

Greetings, amigos.

Welcome to La Casa Alegria.

May your stay here
be a quarrelsome one.

- You?
- But of course. I also manage the hoteI.

Give these people the bridal suite.

But we do not have a bridal suite.

Estupido. All our suites are bridal suites.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Well, senor.
- Yes.

If you need anything, just call me.
My card.

"Miguel Santos. Attorney at law.

Twenty- four- hour service
for marriage or divorce.

We never sleep. "

You're a busy fellow, I'll tell you that.
Come on, dear.

[SIGHS]

Oh, Dan. Just look at those mountains.
It's so romantic.

[DAN GROANS]

What did you say, dear?

Where's that doctor? We called
for him hours ago. Where is he?

Dan, don't you think
you'd feel better...

...if you went outside
and got a little fresh air?

I would feel better if I were home
in my own bed.

Where's that hokey doctor?

Oh, Dan, why did you have to get sick
on our second honeymoon?

I remember our first.

You were strong and virile
and youthfuI.

Yeah, I remember it too,
and you were sick.

Oh, yes, that's true.

- Well, our timing was bad.
- Don't worry about anything, dear.

Maybe the third time
will be much more successfuI.

Did you take your pill?

I sent for water an hour ago
and the boy hasn't come up yet.

Well, but that is the secret.
You mustn't drink the water down here.

The secret is not to come
to this place at all.

- I wanna go home. Let's get an airplane.
- Oh, no, no.

You don't, Dan,
you don't ruin my holiday.

Now as soon as that doctor gets here
and gets you on your feet...

...we'll really start swinging.

[KNOCKS]

VALERIE:
Oh, just a moment.

[DAN GROANING ]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Enfermo?
- Hm?

- Sick?
- Oh, yes. Turista.

- Oh, it's a pity.
VALERIE: Mm- hm.

[DAN GROANS]

Don't worry, senora, we have
a special marriage rate for widows.

Now where's the doctor?
Somebody get the doctor.

Oh, senor, the doctor, he is here.

Oh, you? Him?

Under the tongue, please.
Now close.

Now just rest and relax, darling,
and don't worry about anything.

I'm sure Ernie's handling everything
beautifully at the office.

You are the best secretary
I've ever had.

- Shouldn't we go to the office?
- Oh, no.

When Mr. Edwards is away,
it's vacation time.

- I haven't heard from him.
- Have you written to him?

- No.
- Well, don't you think you should?

I'd hate to lose this job.

- I love the work.
- That's a good idea.

- I think we should send him a letter.
- All right.

[PLAYING " MEXICAN HAT DANCE" ]

VILLAGERS:
Ole!

Can we go home now?

While I'm visiting my sick old mother
in Peoria, Bunny will take my place.

- I'm sure you'll find her satisfactory.
- Well, you take your good old time, Lola.

A girl only has one mother.

Oh, I plan on coming back.

Jobs like this aren't so easy to find.

You'll always have your job, Lola.

Still, I can't understand why you
would bring a replacement like Bunny.

LOLA:
I trust you, Mr. Brewer.

And I'm true to you, Lola.

But, uh, what if she can't
keep her hands off me?

- Now, that's a risk you'll have to take.
- I'll gamble.

[ERNIE CLEARS THROAT]

Uh...

Do you type?

Well, I'm a little rusty, but I can try.

Oh, it's not important.

I had a lot of secretaries, you know,
they typed a little.

I'm not used to this type of machine,
but I'll pick up speed.

- How about your shorthand?
- Oh, I used to be a court stenographer.

I can do 200 words a minute.

I can't say 200 words a minute.

If you haven't any dictation
for me right now...

...I'll just run in the kitchen
and cook something.

All right.

You can cook?

My cacciatore won first prize
at the Pomona fair.

Well, I'd vote for your cacciatore
any day.

You're hungrier than I thought.

I'll bake a special dessert. You're not
trying to lose weight, are you?

No, I'm trying to put on.

Then I'll chill a bottle of white wine.

- If you don't mind.
- Oh, I'd love it.

Is there anything you can't do?

Well...

...I'm not very good at bowling.

- So what? Who wants a great bowler?
- My husband.

TRACY: Hey, Lis,
I got a card from my folks today.

Mom's having a ball.

Sure hope poor Dad's keeping up
with her.

What do you mean, "poor Dad"?
I think he's deep.

How old is he?

I don't know. I'm 18.
You figure it out.

When are they coming back?

Gee, I hope never. Parents are a drag.

Don't knock it.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lis.
I forgot your folks are divorced.

Does it bug you?

Not at all. It's a way of life.

[PHONE RINGING ]

Is that your husband?

Take it easy. He knows all about you.

He's dying to meet you.

Well, then delay it as long as possible.

Mr. Brewer's office.

One moment, please.

Have you a nephew?

Not that I know of.

There's a young man on the phone
asking for Uncle Ernie.

Oh, oh, yes. Young David.
That's Dan's boy.

Hello, David.

The folks back from Mexico? What?

You want me to buy a ticket
on a raffle for a Honda?

Oh, how much? How much is-?

A hundred and fifty dollars?

Look, son, I'll talk to you
when I see you, huh?

Hm?

You wish I were your father?

So do I, paI. Yeah, all right.

Do you want children?

Try me.

[PHONE RINGS]

Mr. Brewer's office.

Yes, he's here.
It's long distance, from Detroit.

I know it is. But who's calling?

Hello.

Oh, Mr. Turner.

Yeah.

Sorry about the interruption of the
honeymoon but I gotta get back to town.

I can't trust Ernie running the office.

Ernie's business is not
the most important thing in his life.

He's more the romantic type.

Will you please stop throwing
Ernie at me?

That's all I've heard for 19 years.

"I could've married Ernie.
I could've married Ernie. "

- Well, I could've.
- Why didn't you?

Because at 18 I was rather stupid.

That's true. Now will you please pack
so we can leave here?

I'm not going.

You're not going?

That's what I said. I am not going.

- You mean you're staying here alone?
- Yes.

VaI, nobody stays down here alone
unless they're gonna get a divorce.

That's a thought.

Aha!

Just like a woman, right?

Can't get her own way, so the first thing
comes into her mind is a divorce.

What about those wonderfuI
19 years of married life?

That's your description.

Are you saying
I wasn't a good husband?

Are you saying I haven't
been a marvelous wife?

- I've never complained.
- I'm not complaining.

And if you leave me here,
Dan Edwards, I'II- I'II-

You'll what? Go ahead, say it.
Get a divorce?

Exactly.

[KNOCKS]

- Come in!
- Come in!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Well, what's that?
- Your divorce papers.

They were made the day you arrived.
I need your signature. Fill in the charts.

VaI, you coming?

If you go, I'll sign.

If you stay, I'll sign.

I'm staying.

Right there.

You're not signing that.

You can read.

Dan Edwards, I'll get you for this.

SANTOS:
Ah, desertion.

Now your signature, senora,
and you're a free woman.

Allow me, senora.

Go back.

Halt. Halt.

- Senor, where are you going?
- I'm going to my room.

Oh, and what room is that?

2A, remember me?

No, there must be a mistake.
Please, because it is not possible.

Because in 2A, we have, uh...

In 2A,
we have a Senorita McPherson.

A divorced woman.

Senor, we are not this kind of hoteI.

- That's my wife up there.
- Ah, your former wife, senor.

These are divorce papers.
Fully notarized.

- We were divorced already?
- But of course.

Speed is the basis of my business,
senor.

We have a very nice room here
on a different floor...

...with a charming view of the plaza.

Where are you going?

I was lonely. I was going to join you.

Where are you going?

I was lonely.
And I was going to join you.

Have you seen my latest special reduced
wedding rates for reconciled couples?

Well, we'll take the deluxe package here.
Spare no expense.

- Now may I go to my room?
- But of course.

- Intentions are the basis of all morality.
- Swell.

- Sleeping?
- Mm- hm.

Happy?

Yep. You?

Mm- hm.

- Dan.
- What, what?

We're divorced.

Don't be silly.

We'll be married again as soon
as Jeannie and the kids arrive.

Darling.

- Yes, dear.
- Do you think I could wear white?

Of course you can.

You can even wear a veil if you want.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello, pronto.

Yes, this is Dan Edwards.

Long distance, oh.

- Okay, I'll take it. Put him on.
- I hope it's no trouble with the children.

- No, it's Ernie.
- Ernie?

Hang up.

Good idea.

He hung up.

Well, see if you can get him back.
Please, it's an emergency.

No, I can't hold the line, I'm busy.
Now, you call me back.

Did Bunny do this for you?

You got a twisted, warped little mind.

- You knew she was married.
- Bunny? Married? I had no idea.

- I'll bet.
- Ouch!

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes?

Oh, yeah, I'll talk to him. Put him on.

Hello, Dan. It's me, Ernie.

Well, of course I'm working.

Dan, it's very important
that you get back immediately.

Ernie, I can't come back home.
Can't you handle Turner yourself?

I just can't.

Val and I are getting married.

You told me that 19 years ago
and I didn't like it.

Look, Mr. Turner wants you
to make the presentation personally.

Come back or we'll lose the account.

Ernie, I promised Val that at the end
of our second honeymoon...

...we would get married.
Now, I'm bringing the family here...

...the kids and her mother.

Now-

I'm not crazy. I know it's complicated,
but I'm not crazy.

You see, we're gonna get married
because we got a divorce.

Oh, isn't it clear to you?

It's perfectly clear.

Now, let me call you back
as soon as the tequila wears off.

If you wanna lose your biggest account,
be my guest.

But, Ernie, Val wouldn't understand.

She understands.

I'll get the first plane out
and you get Turner waiting for me.

Bye.

You sure you understand, darling?

The only way a marriage
can be successfuI...

...is if both people give.

You know, you're the best.

I'll be back in three days
with the family.

I'll meet you at our wedding.

In this layout, Mr. Turner...

...we've engaged the services
of three top models.

And I interviewed each one personally.

[DAN CLEARS THROAT]

Here we feature the mobile telephone,
his and hers.

The use of chrome against
the dark tone of the car is carried out...

...in the evening gown in this
photograph here. It's rather nice.

And finally, the informality
in the background...

...stresses the elegance here in front.

Mr. Turner, if your cars are built half
as good as those girls, you're home free.

Mr. Edwards, this is the best
presentation your company's ever made.

- Thank you.
- It's rather expensive...

...but if presented properly
to the board, they'll accept it.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Mr. Edwards,
your wife is on the phone from Mexico.

I'm sorry. Excuse me, gentlemen.
I'll take it in Mr. Brewer's office, dear.

Oh, Dan.

Dan, the arrangements for the wedding
are fabulous.

And it's gonna be held tomorrow
in the center of the plaza.

- Tell him about the church bells.
- Oh, yes, the church bells will be ringing.

- And-
- Tell him about the mayor.

Oh, yes, and the mayor
is going to perform the ceremony.

And I've got the most divine
wedding dress made right here.

- Tell him about the mariachis.
- Oh, yes!

There's going to be mariachis and
flower girls and tequila and champagne.

You know,
it's gonna be fantastic.

- And expensive.
- And expensive.

- But worth it.
- Oh, but worth it.

I'm not going overboard am I, Dan?

No. Not at all. Spare no expense.

Tomorrow, Jeannie and the kids
and I will be down there.

Tomorrow. Oh, Dan, I do love you.

I love you too, darling. Bye, now.

Well, let's see.

[SINGING " WEDDING MARCH" ]

What's wrong? What's the matter?

Dan, we have a problem.

There isn't a problem
this agency can't lick.

This is complicated.

I don't care. We can beat it.
What? What's your problem?

You have to leave
for Detroit tomorrow.

I have to leave- You're confused.
I'm going to Mexico tomorrow.

I understand your situation. But you can
remarry your wife some other time.

Now, my board of directors
can't meet some other time.

You can take Mr. Brewer.
He can make the presentation.

- I offered-
- Mr. Edwards.

This is the biggest advertising budget
our firm's ever made.

We'd be interested in going forward
with the project...

...if you make the presentation.

Gentlemen...

...I'll see you all in Detroit tomorrow.

- Now, just a minute.
- Now don't you worry.

He'll be there. I'm very sure that your
board will approve of our presentation.

I have a feeling they will.

Well, don't look so gloomy,
Mr. Edwards.

After all, it's not like leaving
a young bride at the altar, is it?

[LAUGHING ]

You can't talk for me.

Yes, I can, Dan, and you owe it
to the firm not to ruin this deaI.

You can get remarried any time.

That's why Val divorced me. Because I
paid too much attention to this business.

She's been making arrangements
for a week.

- How can I tell her I can't marry her?
- Look, now, don't panic.

It's not difficult to tell a woman
you're not gonna marry her.

I've done it dozens of times.
I'm a master at it.

Well, then, you go to Mexico and tell her
that I can't marry her tomorrow...

...and I'll go to Detroit, master.

Bridegroom will be here. I've checked
with the airport, the plane is on time.

- Oh, good.
- I am sending a car to the airport...

...to meet him.
My wedding present to you, senora.

Oh, thank you. I mean,
muchas gracias, Senor Santos.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Excuse me.
In a wedding of this magnitude...

...every detail is handled
by the hands of Miguel Santos.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

You go meet the Americano.

As soon as they're married,
start the music and fireworks.

See that the muchachos throw flowers
and rice to the bride and the groom.

When the taxi arrives, you will greet him
and take him to the platform.

Now, you senoritas will go upstairs, then
accompany the senora to the platform...

...to be married and then you, mayor,
will perform the marriage.

Como?

Oh, I forget he does not know English.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Comprende?
- Si.

- What can I do for you?
- I want to get married immediately.

Ordinarily it is no problem.

Today I'm handling
one of my deluxe weddings.

- Come back tomorrow.
- Tomorrow might be too late.

Why?

Well, this is a question of honor.

Here, come with me.

[CAR HORN HONKING ]
[ALL SHOUTING ]

What are you doing here?
Where's Dan?

MAYOR:
Senora, senor.

Take it easy, please.

[MAYOR SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Dan, you see, look-
I'll come right to the point.

You haven't been stood up.
It's just-

Well, he was temporarily delayed.
That's all.

What do you mean, " delayed"?

- This is my wedding day.
- Will you hold it down a little?

Just hold it down.
Look, Dan had to go to Detroit.

Urgent business. That's all.

- Business?
- Yeah. Look, I can't understand Spanish.

So you're just wasting your time,
that's all. Look, I just want-

Just a little second or two.

Look, the wedding will have
to be delayed a few days, that's all.

Oh, how could he do this to me?

Well, VaI, you shouldn't cry.
It's fiesta time.

You've gotta be very happy today.

[CROWD CHEERING ]

- What's happening?
- He just pronounced you man and wife.

- You're married.
- Oh.

You and me.

[SCREAMS]

Married?

To him?

"Leave everything in the hands
of Miguel Santos. "

How could you have let this happen?

It was an unfortunate circumstance.

During my absence
your husband appeared.

But he is not my husband.

Well, I mean that the mayor
had never seen the senor.

- It could happen to anybody.
- I don't care.

- I don't want it to happen to me.
- Think of some way...

- ... out of this predicament.
- There's only one thing to do.

Without any extra charge
you'll get a divorce.

- A divorce?
- Yes.

- But that's preposterous.
- Oh, no, VaI, that's great.

- Great idea.
- I have the papers here.

All you have to do is to sign
and the affair will be forgotten.

And you mustn't tell Dan.
He won't understand.

He'll just kill me, that's what.
Where do I sign?

SANTOS:
Now, if the senora will sign.

For a divorce,
two signatures are required.

Sign here, VaI.

You really think he'd kill you?

I know he'd kill me and
I wouldn't blame him. Just sign here.

But you always said
you wanted to marry me.

Sign here, VaI. Right here.

No, I'm not going to sign.

I'm very happy
being Mrs. Ernie Brewer.

She's not gonna sign.

Good morning, Dr. Santos.

I want to thank you
for arranging everything.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

It has been a pleasure divorcing
and marrying you.

- If at any time in the future-
- I may need you just one more time.

Always at your service,
always at your service.

Thank you. Is my husband ready?

VALERIE:
Doctor?

How is my husband?

Senora, your husband is under heavy
sedation. He spent a very bad night.

He kept calling for you.
Your name is Lola?

No.

- Bunny?
- No.

- Kitty?
- No.

Senora, your husband was delirious.

I understand. You see, doctor,
he's never been married before.

Oh, yes. At his age, it's difficult
to accept the inevitable.

- Thank you so much, doctor.
- Senora, everything is ready.

All ready?

[ALL CHEERING ]

Yes, my advice was
to take a second honeymoon.

- But with Dan, not with Ernie.
- But you don't understand.

By marrying Ernie,
I saved my marriage to Dan.

Well, I've been a lawyer
for a long time.

I've listened to a lot
of crazy arguments.

But that one's too far out,
even for me.

It's quite simple.

Ernie and I were married by mistake.

But it suddenly struck me
it was a blessing in disguise.

So I decided to use Ernie
to make Dan realize what he's lost.

As soon as that happens,
you will arrange an annulment.

The basis for an annulment
is the non- consummation of a marriage.

Well, that's obvious. I only love Dan.

I merely substituted Ernie
for your black negligee.

And how do you suppose
Dan will take this?

Violently, I hope.

Ernie's at the office
waiting to face him.

I only hope Dan doesn't kill him.

It'd serve him right,
Iying to me all these years.

"Oh, baby, if you were only free.
Just say the word. "

Oh, if Dan doesn't kill him,
I might do it myself.

Now remember, I don't handle homicides
but I'll get you a good criminal lawyer.

I don't need a criminal lawyer.
I have a perfectly good lawyer...

...who I hope knows how to keep
a confidence.

- I have my ethics.
- Good.

Goodbye, Shad. You're a true friend.

Incidentally, could I interest you
in a slightly used black negligee?

WOMAN: Yes, sir?
- Page Mr. Dan Edwards...

...at the airport immediately.

Paging Mr. Dan Edwards.
Paging Mr. Dan Edwards.

- You called for me?
- Yes.

- Are you Mr. Edwards?
- Yes.

Hello.

Oh, Shad, how are you?

Now look, Dan,
what I'm about to tell you is unethicaI.

But I'd rather be a friend
than a lawyer.

Val just left me, and this is
what she told me in confidence.

[SHAD SPEAKING IN DISTINCTLY]

Well, I'll be darned.

Think she'd do a thing like that?

Yeah, I got a telegram from Ernie.

Oh, don't you worry.
I know how to take care of him.

Fine.

Okay, Shad. Goodbye.

When is he coming in?

I just spoke to Mr. Edwards
from the airport.

- He's coming to the office.
- I should have met him.

It's hard to explain these things
at the airport.

Quite.

He wouldn't hit me.

He might hit me.

It's a bit early for that, isn't it?

I don't want to face him
on an empty stomach.

Mr. Brewer, I imagine you would like
to have this on your desk now.

- Mr. Edwards.
- Hello, Miss Blight.

- Hi.
- Howdy, partner. What's new?

What's new?
Didn't you get my telegram?

You mean this?

"Due to circumstances beyond
my controI, I've married your wife.

Can explain everything. I think.
Your friend, Ernie. "

Well, they do things fast in Mexico.

- Planning to take that with you?
- I don't love VaI.

She belongs to you.

Oh, trouble on your honeymoon, eh?

There wasn't and there isn't
gonna be a honeymoon.

I just wanna be a friend of the family.
When do you wanna take her back?

DAN:
Mm- hm.

Ernie, the children are fond of you.
Val is fond of you.

We've had little a trouble.
This might be the solution.

I love being a bachelor.

Well, I hope you kept a scrapbook,
because your bachelor days are over.

Look, Dan, you can't force me
to stay married to your wife.

You made my bed, now lie in it.

JEANNIE:
Valerie, this Mexican marriage...

...has the same spiritual quality
as the Las Vegas marriage.

To me you're still living in sin.

Oh, Mother, shush.
I don't want the children to hear.

Why not?

They have a perfect right to know
that after two marriages...

...they still have no legal father.

Oh, Mother, I shall always
be married to Dan...

...regardless of who I'm married to
at the present time.

[JEANNIE SCOFFS AND LAUGHS]

You poor souI.

Dan is coming at the door.

And if you're looking for somewhere
to hide, Valerie, don't come to my room.

Don't hit me.

Hit you? For what?

- What are you going to do?
- I am going to pack.

You're on the run.
You've done something terrible to Ernie.

The police are after you. I'll go with you.
I'll stand by you, no matter what.

What did you do,
get hooked on that tequila down there?

- Did you see Ernie?
- Yes.

But did-? Did you-?
Did you smash him?

Smash him? For what?

For what? A man marries your wife,
that's for what.

VaI, how old are you?

Oh, what difference does that make?

- You're over 18, right?
- But I didn't know I was getting married.

The whole thing was in Spanish.

Congratulations.

"Congratulations. " Is that all you can say
after 19 years of marriage?

VaI, let's be civilized. We had a bad
marriage, so let's have a happy divorce.

If you need me, you can get in touch
with me at Ernie's house.

- Ernie's place?
- Mm- hm.

You mean you're gonna live in that
bachelor pad with all those fur rugs?

It's not exactly a family house,
but it'll suffice.

Don't you tell me
you're going to be a bachelor.

- Well, you made me one.
- You're going to live like Ernie?

Well, I don't know
what comes with a beach house.

I do. If you walk out on me now,
Dan Edwards, I'II-

You'll divorce me?
But you already have, my dear.

But- Oh, now, wait a minute.

When will I see you?

Well, maybe in a week or so.

When I come to visit the children.
Goodbye, Mrs. Brewer.

- Who is it?
DAN: It's Dad. Can I come in?

Just a minute.

Come in, Dad.

Hey, what's all this here?

Oh, come on, now, son,
you needn't be upset.

You like Uncle Ernie
and after all I'm still your pop.

And we'll still be pals.

I'll take you to the movies.
I'll take you fishing.

Take you to a couple of ball games.

We'll have a good time.

Dad, you'll never have to buy my love.

That's my man.

Yes, Mr. Edwards, I quite understand.

Give the boy anything he wants.

- Very good, sir.
- Congratulations.

Now, Mr. Smythe, I'd like
some of those scrambler handlebars...

...and turn indicators, and a horn.

Two horns.
Now's the time to go for broke.

Make that two horns.

Welcome to the club.

[WHOOPING AND GUNFIRE ON TV]

I think I'll walk the dog.

We don't have a dog.

I'll find one.

There's still some use
for an old mother, eh, lass?

Especially on a honeymoon night.

It's me, Ernie, let me in.

Hey, Dan, I gotta talk to you.

Hi, girls, Ernie's home.

Me, Ernie.

- No married men allowed.
- But, Dan!

Thank you.

Hm. It's the only way to fly.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GIRLS LAUGHING ]

- Mr. Brewer.
- Yes?

Our quota is 30 letters a day.

We must make our quota.

I know what we do. Why don't you
write them and I'll just sign them, huh?

Oh, now it won't take too long.

My shorthand is 150
and my typing is 100.

Lola was 38- 22- 36.

- I beg pardon.
- I was just dreaming, just dreaming.

There's Ernie with his shoulder
to the wheeI.

- Justifies your promotion.
- Yeah, well, why did you give it to me?

You got big responsibilities. You're a
married man. Ernie the Bachelor is dead.

Yeah, but Ernie the Married Man
is not too alive.

Oh, I know it's tough
to raise a family.

I had one once.

- You look a little peaked, I think.
- Why, do I-?

Come down to the beach
and sit in the sun.

- I can go now.
- No, you've got work to do.

A married man must have stability.

You owe it to my old family
to make good.

We really should go now,
Mr. Edwards.

- We don't want to miss the sun.
- Be right there. Keep punching.

- Mr. Brewer.
- Yes?

I don't like to be personaI,
but after 15 years with Mr. Edwards...

...I feel that something has happened
to him. Don't you?

Yes. He thinks he's me.

He thinks he's me.

Anybody here?

Hey, the breadwinner's home.

- Who stole my bagpipes?
- I did.

I can't stand that weird music
at night.

Don't throw your weight around.

You're only a husband,
and number two at that.

I didn't ask to be the head of this family.
Since I am, I'm running things my way.

Wait till that darling lad Dan
hears of this.

Then you'll feel the might
of a real man.

Hi, Tracy. You gonna join the Marines?

No. I'm leaving home.
I'm going to live with Lisa.

What do you mean,
you're gonna live with Lisa?

You always told me that if you were
my father, you'd let me live with Lisa.

I said that when I was a bachelor.
You're gonna live here.

And furthermore, I want you
in this house every night by 12:00.

- What's come over you?
- Fatherhood.

Now you just get upstairs and unpack.

You can't push me around.
I won't take it.

And wait till I tell my father about this,
you- You bully.

- I wanna talk to you.
- You too? Go right ahead.

- What's your problem?
- Did you tell Mom...

- ... I gotta give back the Honda?
- Yes, I did.

Well, I won't.
It was a gift from my dad.

Look, kid, I'm responsible for you.

Now, as head of this family, my first
duty is not to go to your funeraI.

Now, give that Honda back.

I'm going to tell my father
that you're ruining my life.

I'm ruining your life
and you'll do as I say.

You're a Jekyll and Hyde.

Where is the lovable old Uncle Ernie?

He's somewhere in Mexico.

Get rid of that thing. I wanna talk
to you about your report card.

- I'm not gonna have a dropout at 12.
- And I'm not gonna give back the Honda.

No physical violence.

You're not my real father.

Well, I'm ready.

You going somewhere?

We are going somewhere.

We're going out to dinner
and we're going dancing.

VaI, I'm tired. I had a hard day
at the office.

I'm not interested.

At least let's have some companionship
from our marriage.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'll not stay in this house
another night.

Great.

Mother, you can't leave me alone.

- You're not alone, you have him.
- I know, that's why I need you.

This entire setup is unnaturaI.

I wonder what's keeping Tracy.

She's not coming.

What do you mean,
"she's not coming"?

I mean Tracy approves of us.

Since her mother gave you
such a dirty deaI.

Oh, quit it, will you?

- Being with you is like being with Tracy.
- You've got an old- man fixation.

As for me, you're the youngest man
I ever dug.

Lisa, you're a very young girI.
You've got everything before you.

- Don't you wanna get married?
- Yes.

And I've got the man all picked out.

You.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There is Tracy now.

There she is. Trac-

Jeannie. What are you doing here?

I have come to live with you.

To make up for everything
that evil daughter of mine did to you.

- Oh, you-
- Don't argue, laddie.

I'll have this house blooming
like the heather in no time.

I'll not let you live
a lonely bachelor's life.

You see, you needn't have pity
on me anymore.

My mother- in- law has come
to live with me.

[LAUGHS]

I have quite a problem, doctor.

- That's what I'm here for. To help you.
- Well, it isn't gonna be easy.

Well, I think we can handle it.
Now start from the beginning.

- Well, I just recently got married.
- Very sensible.

Statistics show
that married men live longer.

Yes, but my problem...

...is I don't wanna sleep with my wife.

Well, you see, I'm not shocked.

But you will be.

She's the wife of my best friend.

Oh, I see.

You do have a problem.

To put it delicately, sir,
is your wife desirous of your attention?

Up till now, no.
But since her mother left...

...I gotta get prepared.

Quite so.

Quite so.

What if I sprain my ankle?

Well, it would be uncomfortable
but still possible.

How about if I broke my leg?

You'd have to wear a cast.

From where to where?

I still don't understand how a man
could break his leg in a telephone booth.

It happens all the time. Ooh!

Now, now lie still.

Don't aggravate yourself.

You need plenty of rest.

Well, that's what the doctor said.
I need complete rest.

Mm- hm. How long did Dr. Newman say
you would have to keep the cast on?

Oh, anywhere from six months
to who knows.

I'm completely incapacitated.

Well, don't worry about it. We'll
make you as comfortable as possible...

...and I'll move into Mother's room
now that she's gone.

There.

You know, there's a lot of
Florence Nightingale in you.

Oh, you- You.

Is there something you'd like to discuss
with me? A father- and- son chat?

Have you been
going through my room again?

Because I'm missing
a new tennis racket.

You had two.

My father gave it to me.

It was a perfectly normal gift
between father and son.

If you spent half as much time
on your homework...

...as you do blackmailing,
you'd be a genius.

David, I'm a cripple. Now, easy.

[ERNIE GROANING ]

You might be able to fool Mom,
but you can't fool me.

While you were going through my closet,
I was going through your x- rays.

Come to think of it, David,
you do need two tennis rackets.

You're a growing boy.

Throw in a dozen balls
and my lips are sealed.

It's a deaI.

David.

Give my regards to your parole board.

How's the leg, love?

Oh, I think it's getting worse
instead of better.

This may take a year to heaI.

Oh, what a pity.

Oh, by the way, dear, get that thing off
your leg by tonight, we're going dancing.

[YELLS]

VaI!

Jeannie, I won't be in
for dinner tonight.

- You're going out again, dearie?
- Uh- huh. I'm gonna pick up Lisa.

Oh, a fine example you're showing
to your family.

You mean Ernie's family.

Goodbye, Mama. Keep cooking, baby.

- Dan.
- Yeah?

I don't want to play mother- in- law...

...but why don't you stop this farce
and go home?

Jeannie, I'm not an unreasonable man.

If Val would come to me,
I might listen to reason.

Val is a MacPherson.

And the MacPhersons
never come crawling.

A baby? But that's impossible.

I'm not married.

Well, what I mean is
I am married, but to the wrong man.

Yoo- hoo! Anyone home?

Oh, hello, Lisa.

I didn't know Tracy was here.

She isn't.

Dan and I- I mean, Mr. Edwards and I
don't need a chaperone.

A chaperone?

I guess the wife is always
the last to know.

Well, I am an ex- wife,
but I'd still like to know, whatever it is.

You divorced him, so it's open season.

And I think he's quite a man.

- But you're barely older than-
- Nevertheless.

My age doesn't bother Dan.

It wouldn't at his age.

I'm so glad you came over.

I think it's time we had
a woman- to- woman talk.

Woman- to- woman?

Well, I know you think of me as a child,
but my feelings for Mr. Edwards-

I hope I'm not being indelicate.

You are, but go on.

Well, Tracy understands
about her father and me.

Well, I hardly think
she's a qualified matchmaker...

...considering five years ago
she was in the Girl Scouts.

- Mrs. Brewer.
- I am not Mrs. Brewer.

Oh, yes, I am.

After 19 years of marriage...

...I'm sure there's a lot
you could tell me about Dan.

Yes, I'd be delighted.

Well, now, let's see.

You know, of course,
about his bad back.

- No.
- Oh, yes. It was on his 40th birthday.

He was dancing with Tracy
and flipped a vertebra in his back.

Well, that together with his trick knee
and the pinched nerve in his neck...

...it just drives him crazy sometimes.

He never told me about that.

I guess the young girlfriend
is always the last to know.

Oh, and do put out his bifocals.
He loves to read in bed.

He reads in bed?

Dan always said that one of
the greatest pleasures he ever had...

...was to slip in
between clean sheets...

...sip hot milk, prop himself on a pillow
and read a good book.

Were you thinking of having children?

Well, I'd hoped so.

Oh, no problems, my dear.

A man of Mr. Edwards' influence knows
any number of good adoption agencies.

Well, now I think that should cover it.

- Mrs. Brewer.
- Yes?

You'll come to the wedding,
won't you?

Of course, my dear.

And I have
the perfect wedding present.

A crib for you
and an oxygen tent for Dan.

[GO- GO MUSIC PLAYING ]

We'll stay a couple of minutes
because I gotta work in the morning.

Oh, Ernie, you used to be
the life of the party.

- And you used to dance all night.
- Now my feet are killing me.

Interesting how marriage
destroys feet.

Evening. Two? Right this way, please.

Two Scotch and soda, coming up.

Ernie, I want to go home.
I don't feel very well.

- We didn't have a drink yet. Just one-
- Ernie, I want to go home.

- Dan. What a pleasant surprise.
DAN: Hi, VaI.

I didn't know you were in the
neighborhood. Besides, it's not Sunday.

Oh, I thought I'd take David for a drive,
it being a holiday.

Uh- huh. We don't see
much of you, Dan.

I've been busy doing things,
you know.

- At the Cafe A- Go- Go?
- Mom, make Dad stay for dinner.

It's a marvelous idea.
I have everything you love.

I'd like to, but your mother's cooking and
I don't think I should leave her alone.

Now, I can't let you eat alone
with Mother on Thanksgiving Day.

Well, we're not, not exactly alone.
You see, Lisa may come by.

Lisa.

Come on, David, out.

If your father doesn't want to stay
with his family, we will not beg.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Oh, hi, pumpkin.

What is that?

Jim designed it himself.

Sure, he did. Yeah.

Are you having dinner with us?

No. I'm gonna have it at the beach.

- Didn't Mother invite you?
- Yes, she did, baby.

Well, I gotta go, I got things to do.
Bye- bye, pumpkin.

- I don't think you're doing that right.
- You're the man in the house.

- Why don't you carve?
- I don't know how.

Mr. Edwards used to carve beautifully.

- Where's David?
- Oh, over at Dan's.

- You let him go?
- I locked him in his room...

...but he climbed out the window.

- Mother.
- Mm- hm?

I'm going to live with Jim
on the campus.

Oh, you- You mean
you're going to get married?

- No. We're just going to live there.
- Yes, marriage is passe.

Now, how did you two arrive
at this interesting observation?

Yes, explain yourselves.

Well, you and Daddy
are perfect examples.

Nineteen years of marriage,
shot in one night in Mexico.

Tracy, that was my fault. I've been
kidding your mother all these years...

...making her believe
that I still loved her.

- Come on, Jim.
- Well, where are you going?

We're going to Malibu
to have dinner with my father.

Well, that leaves just you and me.

That's right.

VaI, why don't we go over to Dan's?

No, I don't want to go.

We certainly don't need an invitation.
It's still my house.

- Oh, he invited us. I refused.
- You didn't tell me.

Well, I didn't think it concerned you.

Coming?

No. You go.

This is my house and I belong here,
with or without family.

No hard feelings?

No hard feelings.

- There you go, Ernie.
- Oh, yeah.

Dan, you carve
like a professional surgeon.

In college,
Dad was on the fencing team.

He's a genius.

I might've lost
a sporting goods store...

...but I gained a father.

This is the nicest Thanksgiving
I've had in a long time.

It's so family- like.

I wish Mother were here.

She's being punished
for what she did to your father.

- That's why she's alone.
- I asked Val to come.

Well, you know how stubborn she is.

The curse of the MacPhersons.

Jeannie.

TRACY: Uncle Ernie.
- Yes?

TRACY:
Good.

Take over for me, will you?

You can have corn. What do you want?
Corn or the cranberries. Corn?

There.

From now on, it's just you and me
and the two kids.

Three.

Three?

Mexico?

Hmm.

Well, if you're gonna have a baby,
I guess I'd better get married.