All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S05E12.720p.HDTV.ReEnc-Max

Kids, you never know when you're about
to meet someone really important.

It's not like life gives you
a warning.

You just look up and there they are.

Come on, we're going to
go get trashed on the roof.

No, not that dude.

Her.

I'm good, Boomer.

My name's not Boomer.

In my head, it is.

Gentlemen, I'm a faculty member,
and you're underage,

so it's my duty to confiscate this

and this and...

hard lemonade?

You know what?
You can keep that.

I swear, every week I get asked
by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say,

"I'm a PhD candidate writing
a dissertation entitled

'Foreign Direct Investment
and Intergenerational Linkages

in Consumption Behavior.'"

And what does Frat Guy say to that?

"That's hot."

Actually, that is kind of hot.

Ted, I have a confession.

I recognize you.

Do you rember the first day
of classes last semester?

Econ 305?

Kids, you remember
the wrong classroom story.

I thought I was in Architecture 101,
but it was Econ 305.

Of course, what I didn't know was

that your mother was
somewhere in that class,

and she thought
I was a complete idiot.

I thought you were a complete idiot.

But a very cute idiot.

So...

do you ever date cute idiots?

Almost exclusively.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou-

.:: La Fabrique ::.

She's a PhD candidate,

she reads philosophy for fun,

she does the Sunday crossword
every week and finishes it.

Ted, I am so happy for you...
Sorry,

not for you, happy I'm not you.

Long story short:
I have a date tonight.

Thanks, New York,
I'll try not to screw it up.

What's going on?
There's a huge line outside MacLaren's.

And why is it almost entirely dudes?

Only two things could cause
that kind of commotion.

Boobs.

She's my cherry pie...

Ladies and gentlemen,

MacLaren's has hired
a hot bartender.

Sweet cherry pie, yeah.

Look at all these guys.

The sidewalk's going to smell
like pee-pee now.

Well, we'd better start
looking for a new bar.

What, are you crazy?

It is a hot bartender.

Do you know how long
I have been waiting to land a...

My friends, I have been
with many women in my day.

Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors,

professional equestrians,
amateur equestrians...

A butcher, a baker,
a candlestick maker...

Yes, we're
to the rhyming section now...

a math professor, a tax assessor,
a weight guesser...

A puppeteer, a blackjack dealer,

a stay-at-home mom...
that's a job, too, guys...

- a circuit court judge...
- Get to the point!

I have never, ever

scored a hot bartender

until tonight.

She's really not that hot.

Is someone jealous
of all the attention?

Did somebody fancy herself
the hottest girl in the bar?

Gosh, no. Shut up!

- Wish me luck.
- It's never going to happen.

Barney, she's just going
to pretend to like you

the same way she hypnotized
all these geniuses.

But guess who's not going
to fall under her spell?

I'm gonna be all,
"Drop the act, baby doll.

Daddy needs a gin and tonic."

Then when she brings it, I'm gonna just
spit it out and say, "Try again."

Boom! Alpha dog is
right where he belongs:

on top, then after a few minutes,
on the bottom.

Why should I do all the work?

What's happening?

New superhot bartender.

See? Marshall doesn't think
she's hot either.

He does.

Baby, you don't have to pretend

other women aren't attractive
just for my sake.

I know, and if that woman
were anywhere near as hot

as the woman I'm married
to, then I'd admit it, but she's not.

Baby, you're so sweet,
but compared to that woman,

I am a big bag
three days old garbage.

Well, I call 'em like
I see 'em, and...

I just think you're the most
beautiful woman in the world.

See, that's just annoying.

Oh, my God, you are so funny.

- That'll be $6.75.
- Here's a 50, keep the change.

Thank you.

Amateurs.

- What do you want?
- Drop the act, baby doll...

wait, what?

Are you gonna order a drink or are you
just gonna stand there looking stupid?

I don't know how to make an um.
Is that equal parts vodka

and get-the-hell-out-of-my-face?

Bobbie, what's going on?

Later that night, I embarked
upon a very important first date.

- How are you?
- Good.

It's funny,
sometimes you walk into a place

you've never been before,
but you get the feeling

you're exactly
where you're supposed to be.

And kids, that's the first time I ever
saw your mother's little yellow bus.

You know the one.

It's right behind you.

This is cute.

Actually, it's my roommate's.

So, there I was, kids, standing
in your mother's apartment,

Never mind the fact that I was
on a date with her roommate Cindy.

Sorry,

I shouldn't be messing
with your roommate's stuff.

What's she like?

I didn't know it,
but I was about to hear

the very first description
of the woman I'd one day marry.

She's a whore.

I think she's a dominatrix.
What?

Okay, I'm sorry,
none of that is true.

- I have a bit of a roommate complex.
- Why?

Guys are always falling
in love with her.

Look at me.

I promise you

I am not going to fall
in love with your roommate.

Oops.

Okay, now that you've had
a closer look, admit it:

That bartender is
the hottest woman in this bar.

Second hottest.

I repeat...

Baby, how could you
not want to hit that?

Iwant to hit that.

If you don't want to hit that,
I'm sorry, but you might be gay.

Hell, yeah, I'm gay.

Gay for you.

Whatever.
Did you find out why

I'm the one guy in this
entire bar she seems to despise?

I did...

You're not going to like the answer.

My last three boyfriends were
Wall Street guys... bastards,

so I vowed never again to date
a guy who wears suits.

Okay, well, that's easy.

All I have to do is
stop wearing suits.

That's all?

Come on, you're never not in a suit.

True...

but for those... I mean, for that...
I mean, for her...

I will stop wearing...

- wait for it...
- We know you're going to say "suits."

... suits.

Meanwhile, Cindy and I
were having a lovely evening,

except she wasn't kidding
about her roommate complex.

And another weird thing
about my roommate:

She does these bizarre paintings
of robots playing sports.

That is weird.

I was lying.
That sounded awesome.

Your mother's
Robot Volleyball watercolor

is hanging up
in the den as we speak.

And she has this crazy habit

of making breakfast food
sing show tunes.

That's just bizarre.

Your mother's rendition
of "Memories"

as performed by an
English muffin is, to this day,

the most hauntingly beautiful
thing I've ever heard.

Look, I'm sold.

I hate this girl.

I'm sorry.

Look, she's not that bad.
I just get a little jealous.

I don't know why.

You're awesome.

But not as awesome as your mother.

And speaking of things
that are less awesome,

your Uncle Barney
had officially suited down.

I am so sorry, I misjudged you.

If there is one type of person
that I cannot stand,

it is a man in a suits.

That and a woman
who has no respect for herself.

Suits and insecure women.
I hate 'em.

Just hate 'em.

How was your date with Cindy?

Well, last night was
great, today not so much.

What, why?

I found out the school's policy

about students and professors
dating is really strict.

I could lose my scholarship.

Yeah, but it's not
like you're in my class.

We're not even
in the same department.

I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it.

She's completely
overreacting, right?

Actually, Ted, she has a point.

Yeah, and think about it.
If the rules are that strict,

you could be putting
your job in jeopardy.

I think, I think you got
to let this one go, buddy.

Let's try this again:
she's completely overreacting, right?

Of course, they were right.
I had to let it go,

but as your Uncle Barney
was about to find out,

it's not so easy to let things go.

Suit up.

Now, none of us had ever seen Barney
go this long without suiting up,

and kids, it wasn't pretty.

So sorry I'm late.
I got stuck at work.

You know, today I had that presentation
on offshore dividend tax implications?

Sure, I was totally paying attention
when you talked about that.

Right,
so I fire up the PowerPoint...

Suit up.

We're going to order some food.

Okay, be out in a sec.

Out of the way!

Stay with me.
It's not your time.

If anyone could fix something like this,
it was Barney's personal tailor,

TV's Tim Gunn.

I'm sorry, Barney.

I couldn't make it work.

So young.

There's nothing else you could do?

But there is another suit
that can use the buttons from your suit.

That can...

Like an organ donor?

Your suit's death
could mean another suit's life.

But I...

Do it.

You're doing the right thing.

Please don't cry on this.

- It's silk.
- I'm sorry.

I know.

We cremated the remains.

His buttons saved the life

of a sick little jacket
on the Upper East Side.

Well, at least now
you can finally drop this quest

for the so-called Hot Bartender.

My suit gave its life
for this cause,

and I will not rest until those...

I mean, that...
I mean,

is mine.

He's absolutely right.

Who, the guy kissing a jar
full of dead suit ashes, that guy?

What if Cindy is the woman I'm supposed
to marry, and I'm just giving up?

So long, elegant,
yet welcoming home in Westchester

with a sensible mortgage I can handle
without dipping into my savings.

Bye-bye, two kids I raised with a stern,
yet loving hand,

finding the perfect balance
between father and friend.

Adios, triplet schnauzers,
Frank, Lloyd and Wright.

The point is,

I'm not giving up, either!

I don't know why I just did that.

Barney,
I'm so sorry about your friend.

Tell me about him.

He was Italian.

Classy, elegant.

And boy,
did he have a way with the ladies.

They just couldn't say no.

- How old was he?
- Seven.

I miss him so much!

You shouldn't be alone tonight.

I'm gonna end my shift early.

Thank you, old friend.

You're going out with a bang.

Come on, Marshall.
Just admit that she's hotter than me.

I won't be hurt.

Can't do it.

- You're hotter.
- She's a goddess!

Her skin glows.

Her legs go for miles.

And that ass?

I would wear that thing for a hat.

Last night in bed, I'll admit it,

she popped into my head
a couple of times.

What are you try...

Like,
you think she's hotter than me?

I never said that.

- You do.
- It's apples and oranges.

She's younger than you.

I'm just saying, like,

me in my prime
versus her in her prime.

You guys,
her hotness isn't even real!

It's circumstantial hotness.

Watch.

II suppose you think
she's hotter than me, too.

What the hell are you doing?

You're not allowed back here.

Carl, look, I don't want to go back.

Please, don't make me go back.

You got to go.

I was somebody back there!

Everybody loved me.

Can we talk?

My roommate's about to get out
of the shower. Let's talk in my room.

Cindy, I know the University Rulebook
says we can't date.

But it also says, "Don't teach drunk,"
and I do that all the time.

The point is,

I like you.

I do.
You're sweet, you're funny.

You're writing a dissertation,

Foreign Direct Investment
and Intergenerational Linkages

and Consumption Behavior.
I mean, that is hot.

I know this sounds crazy, but...

I feel like our paths
are supposed to cross somehow.

I don't want
to miss out on knowing you.

I don't want
to miss out on knowing you, either.

I got to tell you,

Just from looking around your room,
I can tell we have a ton in common.

Really?

The Unicorns?

Who Will Cut Our Hair
When We're Gone?

I have never met anyone else
who has this album.

That's my roommate's.
I borrowed it.

What about this?
World's End by T.C. Boyle?

That was a birthday gift...
from my roommate.

Haven't checked it out yet.

You should.
It's a good read.

What about this?
It's ridiculous.

You play bass?
Seriously, ask my friends.

I always say, my ideal woman...

does not play bass,
because this is clearly your roommate's.

She's in a band.

Damn, that's cool.

This is unbelievable.

You picked out the only three things
in here that are my roommate's.

- Does your roommate's band...
- Get out.

Kids, as you probably guessed,

that wasn't the night
I met your mother.

Although I think
I glimpsed her foot.

But I did get a little bit closer
to meeting the woman of my dreams.

And your mom...

well, she got
her yellow umbrella back.

It was just so special,

you know?

I feel like we should give him
a moment of silence.

Followed by, like,
20 minutes of grunting.

I'm gonna make you feel all better.

- Let me just go freshen up.
- All right.

Wait, that's not the bathroom!

Are these yours?

I'm suit-sitting for someone.

Barney, you lied to me.

You have to choose right now.

Me... or the suits.

You're thinkin', "What's Barney
been drinkin'?" That girl's smokin' hot!

I coulda nailed her, but it's not
a failure. There's one thing she is not

To score a ten would be just fine,

but I'd rather be dressed
to the nines!

It's a truth you can't refute...

Nothin' suits me like a suit!

Picture a world Where all the boys
and girls are impeccably well-dressed!

That delivery guy in a jacket and tie.
That puppy in a double breast!

That eighties dude with muttonchops!

That baby with a lollipop!

That lady cop who's kinda cute!

Nothing suits them like a suit!

A wingman I can wear!

They're so debonair!

The perfect way to snare a girl
with daddy issues!

In navy blue or black!

Check out this perfect rack

I want to give them a squeeze!

Really!

Then answer these questions,

If you please.

What would you do if you had to choose
between your suits and a pot of gold?

What would you say if you gave
your suits and you'd never grow old?

What would you pick: one million chicks,
or a single three-piece suit?

It's moot.

What if peace
were within your reach?

I'm gonna stop you right there.
It's suits.

Come on,
get your head out of your ass.

Two, three, four!

Girls will go and girls will come,

but there's only one absolute!

Every bro on the go needs to know

that there's no accepted substitute!

I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends,

my Sunday best are my best friends!

Send Casual Friday down

the laundry chute...

'Cause nothing suits

the undisputed!

Oft-saluted suitor of repute...

Wait for it.

Then again, she is pretty hot.

I choose you, baby.

First thing tomorrow,
I'm getting rid of these suits.

Really?

You guys are fine.