Original subtitles

Kids, back in 2009, your Aunt Robin was the host

of a morning show for local New York cable.

And it was on early. How early?

Mike? Wake up.

But then, everything changed.

- See my show? - I meant to watch it.

I just got so busy with the whole "being sound asleep" thing.

It took all night, eight hours down the drain.

It's fine. But get this:

After the broadcast...

Hi. Are you Robin?

I'm Don, your new co-host.

Don was Don Frank,

seasoned veteran of no fewer than 39 local morning news teams

from all over the country.

The guy was an industry legend.

You are so going to hit that.

No, I just think we're going to be great together on the air.

And on the sofa and on the bed and on the coffee table.

All right, I'm gonna go up on the roof

and stand there for 5 minutes.

Have fun.

And that's exactly what she did.

She just stood there.

All right, I'm gonna level with you.

That's not what she did. Here's what she did.

All right, all right... I'm going to go have a cigarette.

What?!

I promised her I'd never tell you this, but once upon a time, your Aunt Robin

did enjoy the occasional cigarette,

and occasionally that occasional cigarette...

was more than just occasional.

I left something like this in my apartment.

Robin, come on, take it to the roof. We said no smoking in the apartment

after you torched the throw rug doing push-ups.

All right, all right. Geez.

Yeah, Robin, I mean, God,

not only is that a filthy habit, but also,

- can I bum one? - Sure.

What?!

Synchro: ShalimarFox

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Kids, your Uncle Marshall definitely doesn't want you to know this,

but he also smoked off and on.

It all started when he was 13, on a camping trip in Minnesota.

Come on, Marshall, let's celebrate. It's summer vacation.

But just one.

This is my first and last cigarette ever.

And that was the first of many, many "last cigarettes ever."

That's it.

I am done, I am out.

Last... cigarette...

... ev-arrh!

So, by that point, I'd heard it all before.

Last cigarette ever.

What are you doing? You haven't smoked in six months.

Is this about the McRib? It's gone, dude, let it go.

I'm worried about work, okay?

They just hired a new head of the legal department,

and he's going to be letting people go.

So that's why you're worried?

The new head of the legal department is Arthur Hobbes.

As in "Artillery Arthur"?

As in your former boss?

Arthur Hobbes was the meanest boss

Marshall or anyone else had ever had.

The last time Marshall worked for him, it ended like this.

I quit!

So does he hold it against you?

Worse.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Marshall Eriksen.

We had a fairly intense screaming match.

Wherein I suggested that you take your head

and store it within yourself

in a fashion that, while, while space-saving,

might limit its exposure to, to sunshine.

Well, that describes 95% of my employees

and everyone in my family... except for my dog.

He's such a good boy.

I'll see you later...

Randall Wilkerson.

Gary Dinkersfield, right.

- Great, he doesn't remember you. - Not great.

Arthur Hobbes hating him, that's no big deal. He hates everyone.

It's the people he doesn't know that he cuts loose.

He just fired What's-His-Face.

He fired What's-His-Face, Ted, and What's-His-Face was invaluable.

I understand you getting upset, but it's not worth killing yourself over.

Yeah, wait till you get laid off, then kill yourself.

Like What's-His-Face.

Although I guess now it's more like Where's-His-Face.

Look, it was just two cigarettes.

Okay, I can handle two.

As long as I don't have three within 24 hours,

then I'm not going to get hooked again.

What's Lily going to say when she finds out you smoked?

She's not going to find out.

I have a system.

Yes, Marshall's system.

- Hello. - You smoked.

Damn it!

The next morning, your Aunt Robin was thrilled

to be finally going on the air with a real pro.

In three, two, one...

- Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky. - And I...

am Don Frank.

Two teens were arrested late last night for stealing a police cart.

No, I'm sorry, not a police cart, a policecar.

Screw it.

Brain fart.

Don't you hate those?

Look at that, the teleprompter's still running.

Something about a woman giving birth on an uptown bus.

Well, no point in jumping in halfway.

I'll just wait till it's done.

And she cut the cord with a Metropass.

We'll be right back.

And we're clear.

What the hell was that? Don, you said "brain fart."

Robin, you seem like a nice kid, but this is my 39th local news show.

I've learned 3 things:

avoid the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet in Bismarck,

do not go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on,

and three, at this hour, your entire viewing audience is

one half-drunk slob sitting in his underwear, so...

Back in five, four...

Well, let's do a great show for that half-drunk slob.

Well, that half-drunk slob appreciates it.

The next day, Marshall found himself craving a cigarette.

It was driving him crazy, so he decided to get some fresh air.

You're not up here to jump?

I fired a lot of people today. I don't need another jumper in my file.

Cigarette?

No, no, thank you.

That's too bad.

You know what I miss, Jeffrey?

Getting to know somebody over a smoke.

People are so interchangeable now,

but you share a butt with somebody, you got a real bond.

You know what? I will, I will take one.

I'm Marshall, by the way, it's Marshall, Marshall Eriksen.

Tell me something, Marshall Eriksen.

How would you like to see

a picture of the cutest dog in the world?

There he is. He's a good boy.

You smoked.

Yes, I smoked, and it was my third of the day.

You know what that means? I'm a smoker now. It's all over.

I even bought a pack on the way home and a lighter and a Vikings lamp

which has nothing to do with anything, I saw it in the window and I liked it.

Damn it, Marshall.

We already have four Viking lamps and smoking kills.

It was a way to bond with my boss, OK? You should have seen me up there.

That is a cute dog. Are those your kids?

Yeah, whatever.

Look what I got at the mall.

There he is. There he is.

Go ahead, you can pet him now.

Yeah, yeah, come on, he likes it.

Scratch him under the chin.

I don't care what your reasons are.

You know how I feel about smoking.

Now, give me the cigarettes.

And the lighter.

That's the stuff.

What?!

Add your Aunt Lily to the list.

Whenever Uncle Marshall fell off the wagon,

your Aunt Lily got dragged right down with him.

What you doing?

If you must know, I am reaching out

to City Hall to try to get the mayor on our show.

Oh, my goodness, you are adorable,

but the mayor's not coming on a show nobody watches.

My colonoscopy had more viewers than this show.

At least that had some twists and turns.

I don't know why you're acting like this.

Maybe you're just bitter because you never had a shot at a network job,

but I think I still do, so I really need to focus.

I've been on a network.

You were on a network?

It was the best Labor Day weekend of my life.

When you do the news, you're in these ergonomic chairs.

It feels like you're sitting on a cloud.

Which was nice 'cause it was right after my colonoscopy.

- And the dressing rooms? - There's dressing rooms?

You bet your sweet headset there's dressing rooms, Mike.

No changing in the KFC bathroom across the street.

No, sir.

It was heaven.

But the second you get used to it, they go find someone

who isn't "going through a bitter divorce" and doesn't "reek of gin,"

and before you know it, you're stuck in a dead-end gig,

surrounded by people going nowhere, doing the news in your tighty whities.

Okay, the underwear thing was your choice,

and I don't like that it's catching on.

Looking good, fellas.

Feels good, right?

God, I want to kill him. Of course people watch the show.

You guys watch the show, that's, like, two right there.

Oh, my God. You guys still haven't seen my show.

- What? We never miss it. - We've seen it!

Really? What color is the set?

It's... black.

- Right. Yeah. - With, like, silver around the edges.

Not your TV set, my show set.

If even my best friends don't watch, who's going to watch?

Lots of people.

You got bedridden insomniacs.

Bums camping outside a department store.

People waiting in the ER,

where the TV is in a cage, so you can't change the channel.

Do you have any stalkers?

Even Leonard won't watch my show.

Can't believe they are smoking. It's freezing out.

Remember when you used to be able to smoke in bars?

I think that hot girl over there is smiling at me.

That's a chair. But yeah, hit that.

Marco!

Polo!

Well, it's dividing our group into smokers and non-smokers.

- And that's not healthy. - You're right.

Let's smoke.

What?!

I'm not proud of it.

Look at you two. Smokers.

Just like the rest of us.

I am not a smoker.

I only smoke in certain situations.

Postcoital, when I'm with Germans... Sometimes those two overlap...

Coital, birthdays,

to annoy my mom,

precoital,

on a sailboat,

the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year,

and, of course... wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have...

pregnancy scares.

Why are you smoking?

I'm always precoital, Ted.

You know, maybe smoking's not so bad.

At least it gets us out in the fresh air.

And all the coughing really works my abs.

I... am...

ripped!

But, as glamorous as it was,

within a week, we all hit our breaking point.

You okay, sweetie?

Actually, my throat's a bit sore.

So, I'm whapping him across the nose with the newspaper, right? Yeah.

My wife says,

"You can't treat your son like that."

I don't know.

Michael, call 911.

Right away.

Marshall, by the way.

I hope Arthur's okay.

Dibs on his office if he's not.

We have to quit smoking.

Honey, you said a mouthful.

I wish I never started.

I mean, I think back to myself at 13 years old.

If I could only go back to that moment...

I hate that little bastard.

Me, too.

Okay, that's it.

Let's quit.

Let's do it.

I am proud of you.

I have heard how difficult it is for smokers like yourself to quit, so,

so, on behalf of nonsmokers, I salute you, and I am here to help.

So, hand in your cigarettes. I will get rid of them one at a time.

You're quitting, dollface.

I don't normally call you dollface, but it kind of works in this voice.

Dollface.

I was just wondering,

is anyone else interviewing the Mayor tomorrow on TV,

or is it just me?

Don can suck it while I suck this. Light me, Marshall.

Actually, we've decided that we're all quitting smoking.

That's fantastic.

I'm sick of you bumming my cigarettes.

No, come on, Robin. We can't do it unless we do it together.

You can sleep with Marshall.

Sorry, baby, you got to take one for the team.

I don't want to sleep with Marshall.

I've seen the looks.

I can't quit right now. Not before the interview of my life.

- It's too stressful. - It's too stressful!

- Just one more. - A cigarette!

Think about this for a second. Bloomberg is the antismoking mayor.

You wanna show up to that interview smelling like smoke?

It'd be like interviewing a vegetarian smelling like a McRib.

Really? I'm not going through enough right now?

You're quitting. We're all quitting.

Fine. I'll quit.

Great.

We've to get through the first 24 hours. After that, it's a cakewalk.

You have to bite your nails so loud?

I'm not biting my nails.

I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine out of my fingertips.

- Can you pass the onion rings? - You got dinosaur arms? They're there.

What cigarettes are doing right now? Think about us?

If you don't stop tapping your foot, it's coming off.

Ted, I'm so sorry.

Maybe I should move it a little bit closer to your ass!

None of us knew what we were fighting about.

We just knew we wanted to smoke.

More than anything in the world.

It wasn't going very well for Robin, either.

Sorry I'm late.

One used the microwave, and the elevator stopped.

What are you doing?

Don, seriously, not tonight.

I'm on edge cause I quit smoking for my interview, so just...

You precious little porcelain unicorn, you.

- Why would you do that? - Why?!

Because I care, Don.

I care about the show, I care about my career.

Unlike you, you unprofessional jerk!

You're sloppy, you're rude.

I wish you worked half as hard as the elastic on those underpants.

This is getting personal.

It would be personal if I would say that the reason you bounce

from market to market is because you're a loser...

a lazy, obnoxious, loser.

The Mayor canceled.

You think I'm a loser?

You're right. I'm a loser.

But at least I've accepted it.

A raccoon has been cheering up patients at a local senior center.

I used to be just like that.

Always wanting more and never getting it.

It's a dead end, Robin.

You're never gonna be a network anchor.

Just like you're never gonna quit smoking.

What are you doing?

I'm enjoying a cigarette.

That'll get you there.

That's good.

- You want a drag? - Can we be professionals?

- Please? - Professionals?

You know who's working the camera? A chair.

We're on a show where even the cameraman doesn't watch.

That's why the Mayor canceled.

And that's why Mike is on a fried chicken run.

And that's why you and I can enjoy a cigarette right here on the air.

Why?

Because of our millions and millions of impressionable viewers?

If any viewers have a problem with this, please give us a call.

The number's on the screen.

Come on, Robin...

Live a little.

That must be Mike. He always forgets extra crispy.

Don't smoke!

We're all watching and we're all very impressionable.

And I swear to God, if you smoke, we're all going to smoke.

You guys are watching?

We sure are, sweetheart, and you look fabulous.

You don't have to smoke.

Resist it, honey.

Thanks for the call, guys.

- She did it! - Good for her.

We're not gonna smoke.

I've a pack stashed up on the roof.

I'm awake. And I'm smoking!

You know how dangerous it is to wake a sleep smoker?

It's fine.

I bought a pack on my way home.

Great show.

Yeah, but that Don guy, what a tool.

He actually apologized to me.

No, I mean when he stood up. Those briefs were pretty revealing.

- You should date that guy. - Not in this lifetime.

They were dating within two months. But more on that later.

Look, the sun's coming up.

You know what right now is a perfect time for?

A last cigarette ever.

A real last cigarette ever.

Damn it, let's do it.

All right.

Last cigarette ever on the count of three.

We all quit for a while after that.

But it wasn't anyone's last cigarette.

But we did eventually all quit smoking for real.

Robin's last cigarette was in June 2013.

Barney's last cigarette was in March 2017.

Lily's last cigarette was the day she started trying to get pregnant.

And Marshall's last cigarette was the day his son was born.

And my last cigarette?

Two weeks into dating your mother.

And I never looked back.

I'm sorry I hit you.

I wanted to make it up to you, by giving you this.

She's hot!

- Some day, you're going to marry her. - No way.

We're pretty lucky.

Totally.

I'll be in my tent.

Don't do that.

Have fun for me.