Original subtitles

Get to the edge, get to the edge.

No, don't let go of me! Absolutely.

Just step off, love, just do it.

I don't think I can.

Go, Meg!

You've done really well, mate.

I think I've pooed my harness!

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.

I have an epithoney. Is it epiphany or epitome?

Well, they're two separate words. OK, so I had a moment on the plane.

Because I realised that I don't really know what I'm doing

with, like, the rest of my life. Do you know what I mean?

Hardly ever. But, yes.

Then I remembered what that visionary said to me

on the beach before he sold me my crystal.

Didn't he ask you for a handy?

Well, yeah, but he also said,

"Ask the universe for what you want and it'll happen."

Do you want this? Yes! This is weird.

Is that to carry your necklace?

Are you there yet, Gary? Gary, are you there yet?

Right, time's up.

What? I haven't finished.

Well, I have and I need to go.

What about me? Sort yourself out.

Gary! What are you looking at? Porn.

Do you know how insulting this is?

I do all the same stuff they do.

Oh, come on, Laura, you're not as dirty as the internet.

OK, so I've asked the universe to bring me to my calling.

What, Leeds? Showbiz, Meg. What do you want?

I want to know why my ex-boyfriend is standing out there.

O M Jesus, it's Mark.

Why would your mental ex-boyfriend be out there?

Because he is mental?

I wonder if he still wears your underwear.

I'm way too jet-lagged to deal with this. Help me.

OK, I can ask the universe but it's not always instant.

A sane suggestion would be great.

OK, what are we going to do?

That's a question. Right.

We're going to do what all rational,

adult women would do in this situation.

What's that? Hide.

Oh, there's Laura! Go! Go! Laura! Hi!

Get down!

All right. Hi, mate!

Why we hiding? Have you nicked summat?

No, Mental Mark's over there.

I thought you broke up. We did! I'm very single now.

You wouldn't have known out there.

What, because I wasn't getting fingered by every tour guide in Southern India?

I've missed this. Do you want me to deck him?

No, we're just going to leave the airport hiding behind this trolley.

Right you are, then.

OK, coast's clear.

Thanks for picking us up anyway, mate.

We got you this in India.

Guys, I fucking love it.

So where have you parked?

What? I got the bus.

You're right, he shouldn't be looking at porn.

It's degrading to women.

Not arsed about that.

I just don't get why he needs it. He's got this.

You can't compete with the internet. These women are professionals.

So am I. Professional means you get paid. Oh, right.

Well, anyway, I'm going to show him.

I've got a sexting mission under way. How do you spell tongue?

I can't wait to go straight to bed.

Don't be a boner, mate, we're going out.

Well, I'm not drinking, I've still got two Valium in my system.

So you have been to sleep.

No, Meg is the only person in living history to have taken Valium

and then had a panic attack.

I'll say it again - how can you be sure it was Valium

when you bought them from a rickshaw driver?

Whoa. Gary's taken it up a gear.

How do you spell fisting?

I've got a really good feeling about this summer.

Well, this is wonderful! I am thrilled.

Thanks, Mum, it's good to be back.

And I would like to propose a toast...

to our clever son, James.

Or should I say James Keswick, Executive Account Manager

and proud owner of an Audi?

What? Aren't you going to uni?

I don't need a degree. I've been headhunted.

So, cheers to PPI and Mum and Dad for supporting me.

Congratulations, son.

Well, I would like to propose a toast...

to me... and Bunny for going the whole way round some of India without getting killed.

We only had to go to the Embassy once when Bunny lost her passport

and it was actually fine cos it was in my bum bag. Cheers.

Well done, guys.

Oh, there he is!

Give Mark a hand with that, please, James.

Who?

Oh, great, now we're all here.

Meggles! I came to the airport...

Did you?

What are you doing here?

I work for your dad now.

I tell you what - that lad really knows his stone.

And, I... wanted to see you.

Do you want to come upstairs? Yes, please.

I think we should talk. We'll just be in my room.

Ooh! Well.

Why is my room a walk-in wardrobe?

Didn't you know?

No, what the fuck?! Where am I supposed to sleep?

It looks so different.

It's crazy to think this is the room where I took your virginity.

Yeah, not as crazy as saying that in this situation, Mark.

Oh, you silly pretty thing. Come here. I've missed you.

Yeah, look. I'm really sorry about everything.

Are you OK?

Yeah, look, I know you want your space and I respect that

but there's something I want to... Yeah, but I want to say...

Sorry. You go. No, sorry, you go first.

OK, well, here goes.

Oh, God, please don't be a poem.

No. I want... Us to still be friends, yeah.

No, no, I want... Closure, I know.

No. I don't think we should be having break-up sex, Mark.

I want you to move in with me.

What?! I've rented us a flat in Headingley.

In case you're wondering where all your stuff is. I love you.

Oh, my God.

I suddenly feel very jet-lagged, Mark.

I'm just going to... lie down.

On these bags.

He's not my boyfriend!

He's a deluded, emotionally unstable psychopath!

I don't want to be near him, let alone living with him!

She's very tired.

Er, well, I changed our relationship status on Facebook.

If that isn't breaking up with him, I don't know what is.

He tried to cut all my hair!

I think I'll go back to the new pad.

Tell her I'll see her there.

OK. Bye, Mark. See you, Mark. Laters.

What am I going to do?

Well, you're a grown-up now, Meg, move out.

I haven't got any money, have I?

Well, you can get a job like your little brother.

I don't want to go back to handing out flyers.

I've got a degree now.

And technically I've still got six months of my year out left.

How many more years out do you think you'll need, Meg?

Haven't you've had your fun now?

India was a cultural, educational experience, Dad.

It wasn't just about mucking about having fun.

Yeah, I've seen the bungee jumping video.

I think you need to make a plan.

I HAD a plan.

Live here until I get a cool arty media-y job.

I can't live in a wardrobe, can I?

Yes, and we can't afford to support you here any more.

Well, why don't you just sell one of these bags? That's a month's rent.

Is it?

She's joking.

She can sleep on the sofa.

Oh, thanks!

Fine, but she's paying rent.

What?!

You're 24, Meg. It's time you started acting like it.

Whatevs. I so totally am acting like it!

Oh.

Hi, roomie. I thought you'd gone, Mark. I waited for you.

You really did, didn't you?

Shall we... go back to our flat, Meg?

Absolutely not. We're going pub. Are we? Not you.

Oh. Look, I really just need some space, Mark. Where are you going?

I don't know. Do you want a lift? Yes.

Put your foot down, Mark! I want to get there before next summer!

Sorry, but I'm transporting something fragile and precious.

What... marble? No... Meg.

Right, we're getting out here!

Wake up, Meg. I don't to wear lost property, sir.

Maybe she should just come back to our place now.

Meg!

Oh, God! Please tell me this is a dream.

Well, sort of more of a nightmare, love.

Shall I park the van and meet you in there?

Just go home, Mark. Nobody wants you here. Thanks for the lift.

He's persistent, I'll give him that.

I can't get rid of him. He's like thrush.

Yeah, well, he definitely needs clinical treatment.

You need to eradicate.

Do you want me to put a word in with the universe?

Fuck the universe! What's the matter, Meg,

are you upset because you're homeless?

Yes. And because your mental ex-boyfriend

wants you to move in with him? Yes.

And because you're unemployed?

I hadn't thought about that but, yes, also a huge problem.

Thanks very much, guys, great chat.

I'll get the shots in.

Done it. I've done it all. I'm out of ideas, to be honest.

Oh! I know. Bukake! B-U-K-A-K-E.

Can't you just send him a picture of your boob?

He's already got the whole range, inside and out.

I just hate the idea of not being dirty enough for him.

Darling, you don't have anything to worry about,

you're absolutely filthy.

Am I? Mate, seriously, you're a total dirt bag.

You are. Stop it, you'll give me a big head.

Oh, hello! Mind if I watch? Malcolm. All right.

Thanks for coming to my party, girls.

Oh, yeah, that's why we're here.

Do I get a birthday kiss? No. Oh. This is my cousin, Bunny.

Ah. Malcolm. Remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Right, are you saying you're going to rape her?

No, just chatting her up.

Well, I think you can see we're all very aroused.

Bunny, this is my boss, Malcolm. Er... former boss.

Got too big for it. Didn't you, Mrs Qualifications?

Yeah, actually, about that...

I thought you said you had meningitis, Laura?

I feel better now. I'll be back in tomorrow.

Good, because you will be promoting the all-new best selling tranket -

it's a travel slanket.

That is far too many made-up words in one sentence.

What's made up about tranket? It's travel, plus slanket.

What's made up about that? Err... the slanket bit?

That's just blanket plus sleeve. I thought you had a degree!

Fat load of good that's doing you.

Er... yeah, I meant to ask, actually, Malcolm...

Well, I've reserved us a table, come join the party.

You've met my mum, haven't you?

Right, Gary, he's gagging for it. Get the drinks in.

It's your round. Right. Can I borrow some cash?

Why don't you ask the universe to get us some drinks?

Fine. I will, actually.

Hello. Gary? What are you doing? What's that noise?

Err... it's One Born Every Minute. Gary, I know what you're doing

and you'd better start fucking behaving yourself,

because I am capable of messing you right up.

You'll be begging for my forgiveness, you piece of dirt.

Oh, yes, Laura! I love it when you get angry.

Do you? Is this turning you on?

Malcolm!

Happy birthday. Thank you.

So... I was wondering if I could have my old job back?

I thought you said this work was demoralising,

underpaid and humiliating?

It is... and I would like to do it full-time if possible?

You said you wouldn't even do it if you were desperate

and that you'd rather starve?

That doesn't sound like me. Well, then, take it back.

Oh, come on. Take it back or I can't take you back.

OK. I'm sorry I said it was demoralising.

It's not, it's... It's... important.

We're fuelling the economy. Well...

Erm... OK, we're fuelling the economy.

It's important, valuable work and I would be lucky to work for you.

What do you think?

Right, well, I think that it is actually not my decision,

it's the area manager's, so you're going to have to ask him.

Fortunately for us all, he is here somewhere.

Right, what are you wearing?

Do what I say, I'm in charge, you... dirty... knobhead.

Slide your trackies off.

One panty dropper. Thank you, universe.

I've just been bought a drink and offered a job as a model.

Who here has offered you a modelling job?

That guy. I told you I had a good feeling about this summer.

He's nice! I am mystical as fuck Meg.

All my dreams are coming true.

I've travelled the world, I've got a job in showbiz,

soon I really will be mixed race! I love me!

Er... Meg, may I introduce you to our new area manager, Josh Steele.

Yes, you may. Hello. Malcolm, this is Bunny,

she'll be joining you on the new tranket promo.

What? What? No, I'm a model. You said modelling.

Yeah, modelling the tranket.

Think of yourself as a sort of... human mannequin.

Welcome to our world! Human mannequin?

Showbiz! Drinks? Yes, please, I do.

Don't forget, you need to go and eradicate Mark.

Sorry, what's that? I couldn't hear anything over how fit he is!

My turn to flirt my way into a job offer, thanks. Don't mind if I do.

Laters.

We're going to do this now in this toilet like animals,

because that's all you're worth to me.

Put your hand down your pants. Feels good, doesn't it, you mong?

I'll call you what I like, cos I'm getting nasty.

Don't you speak no more, I'll do the talking.

I'm absolutely sick of your whinging, annoying voice.

You speak really slowly like that.

And you stink. You need a new deodorant, it don't work.

And you've got bad teeth and you've got bad breath.

You've got no muscles and I hate that mole on your neck.

And your ball hair's too long.

And you've got shit taste in clothes and shit taste in music.

And you're going bald at the back.

And you're lazy.

What do you mean, it's not sexy any more?

No... I'm hanging up.

Laura one, internet nil.

Another? Please.

I'm quite drunk now. Bit jet-lagged, I think, actually.

Promo's so much fun. I really love it.

Well, the tranket has just been such a gift.

I mean, it is such a great product

and we have really increased the sales figures.

I mean, JTL Promotions are very impressed.

And, of course, Malcolm's a great team leader.

Is this a joke? I bet you just get away with saying anything

cos you're so fit.

I think what the customer really enjoys is a fully integrated,

experiential marketing strategy.

I mean, we really get people talking about the brand

because the whole promotion is an experience.

Not to mention the social media campaign that we've already...

Meg?

Meg? Meg!

I'll take it from here. Who are you?

I'm her boyfriend. Come on, Meggles. Let's get you home.

Shall I er... give you a hand?

Fit!

Sorry.

Oopsie.

What the hell are you doing, Mark?!

Where's Meg? She fell asleep...

and then her boyfriend came to pick her up.

Oh, my God! He's kidnapped her, the freak. Go!

Are you breaking up with me?

How can I break up with you, Mark, we're not even together!

I thought you were just playing hard to get.

That's how you interpret

"zero written or verbal contact for six months"?!

So this whole relationship's just a one-way street, is it?

It's a fucking cul-de-sac, Mark!

But all your stuff's here now.

I had it all dry cleaned.

Where's the rest? Upstairs. Upstairs?

I honestly wouldn't put it past him to do summat really sick.

Oh, my God! This is all my fault.

I asked the universe to end it between them, but not like this.

Poor Meg!

Ooh! It's bigger than you'd expect, isn't it?

It's quite nice up here.

Yeah, well... it was going to be our guest room.

Well, you could get a housemate. Could do.

Was that a juicer downstairs? Yeah.

So... where are you going to live?

Don't know.

Do you want to get back together? No! Do you want to live here?

Yes, please.

But it's still over, Mark.

Shall I make you a summer fruit smoothie? Yes, please.

It's way too quiet in there. What if he's killed her?

Err... Mark?

Mark!

I don't like the sound of that.

Mark!

Mark!

Give me that. Will the universe help us?

In a way.

Drop the knife or I'll break your face! I haven't done anything!

Where is she? In the loft. Oh, you sick bastard!

She likes it up there. Help! Help me! I can't get out!

I didn't think she was locked in... Jesus Christ!

Laura, what about my karma? Just keep him down.

OK, I'm going to have to sit on you, Mark. OK?

Meg, it's Laura. Are you all right? Laura, hi! Yeah, everything's fine.

Hi, Meg! Yeah, hello! Can you just let me out, please?

Right. How? I don't know, ask Mark! I can't, we're not really talking.

Why not? I sort of twatted him over the head with a rock, like.

It's a crystal! Oh, bloody hell, Laura!

Mark! Can you let me out, please?

I can't! Bunny's sitting on me.

I'm in quite a lot of pain, but I'm confusingly aroused.

Ohh!

Hi, guys. Are you OK, Mark? Meg, tell 'em. Everything's fine.

He just put a blanket over me and I fell asleep.

Like a beautiful budgie.

Have you dumped the freak, then? I am here! Don't care.

Yes, we've broken up properly, haven't we, Mark? Yeah... for now.

Right, well, let's get off, then.

No. See the thing is, yes, we've split up, but...

Actually, I've already moved in. Shut the front door.

Meg, did he or did he not convince himself

he were in a relationship with you,

abduct you and trap you in his loft?

Yeah, he did all of those things, but... Argh!

Laura, please stop hitting him with a rock! Crystal.

I know what this is, it's that... Denmark Disease.

I think you mean Stockholm Syndrome.

And, no, I'm not in love with my captor,

I'm just using him for somewhere to live. Meg, this is a terrible idea.

It's one of your worst. He's got a juicer!

How can you afford this? Aren't you meant to be unemployed?

Girlfriends don't have to pay rent.

I'll be paying Mark.

All new tranket.

Detachable headrest and comfort earplugs

drown out the sound of the wife!

Malcolm, you can't say that. Sorry, or civil partner.

So all the features of a traditional blanket plus sleeves,

but with a blow-up headrest and eye-mask attachment.

70% polyester, very sensual to the touch.

Did you ask the universe to make you look like a massive twat?

Am I pulling it off?

It looks like a Jedi's fucked a bushbaby.

In a hot way? Got a really good feeling about this summer.

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