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HORSE NEIGHS
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DISTANT CHURCH BELL RINGS
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THUNDER CRASHES
4
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,000
HORSE NEIGHS
5
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HEAVY BREATHING
6
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RIDER URGES HORSE ON
7
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BIRDS SING
8
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Nah... it's not happening.
9
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,950
Want to try further up there?
10
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Go on, then.
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MUSIC: Detectorists by Johnny Flynn
12
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Will you search the lonely earth for me?
13
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Climb through the briar and bramble
14
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I'll be your treasure
15
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I felt the touch of the kings
and the breath of the wind
16
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I knew the call of all the song birds
17
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They sang all the wrong words
18
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I'm waiting for you
19
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I'm waiting for you
20
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,950
Mmm-mmm
21
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,950
Mmm-mmm
22
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,000
Mmm-mmm...
23
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,670
You see University Challenge? Yeah.
24
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,950
You see that way that idiot celebrated
25
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,950
when he got his starter for ten?
26
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,670
I know. Idiot.
27
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What a helmet. Have some dignity.
28
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:32,950
Waving your arms around...
29
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,950
I hate the ones that have a sip of water
30
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,950
and frown like it was no big deal.
31
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,950
- LANCE LAUGHS
- Yeah.
32
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They're knobs as well.
33
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What you want is a... humble smile
and a nod to your team mates,
34
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,950
as if to say, "I know you
guys knew that one too."
35
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That's it. Spot on.
36
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,000
METAL DETECTOR BEEPS
37
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,870
What have you got?
38
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,270
A bit off a trestle table.
39
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,070
You? Tufty Club badge.
40
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,400
You know why, don't you? Why?
41
00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:16,950
Car-boot sales.
42
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Used to have them here every
weekend, a few years back.
43
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I found? 13.76 in loose change.
44
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,950
ANDY SCOFFS
45
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,000
This isn't metal detecting,
this is scavenging on landfill.
46
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BABY CRIES
47
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Lunch time.
48
00:05:46,950 --> 00:05:47,950
What did you do last night?
49
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,600
Ah... stayed in and had a French.
50
00:05:51,950 --> 00:05:52,950
French?
51
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,000
Yeah. What's that?
52
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,950
A French takeaway.
53
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,950
That new restaurant in the
high street does takeaway.
54
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,950
BABY CRIES
55
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,950
What did you have?
56
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:11,000
Ah... onion soup, escargot,
boeuf bourguignon.
57
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,950
Why don't you cook any more?
58
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,950
Can't be bothered.
59
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,950
I used to enjoy your curries.
60
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,470
You were the only one who did.
61
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,940
What do you think about internet dating?
62
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,950
I think you're already
married, mate, to Becky.
63
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,940
Not for me, for you.
64
00:06:32,950 --> 00:06:33,950
Shut up. [LAUGHS]
65
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,950
What? What's so ridiculous about that?
66
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,950
Loads of people do it these days. Shut up!
67
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,470
What is this, an intervention?
68
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,870
Ah. I'm quite happy as I am, thank you.
69
00:06:44,950 --> 00:06:45,950
Here...
70
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,670
Who's that down by that camper van?
71
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,270
Dunno.
72
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,340
Not from round here, though.
73
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,140
Come on, then! [GRUNTS]
74
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,270
There.
75
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,950
Can I feed him?
76
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,470
You want to? Yeah, go on, then.
77
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,950
There we go... Hello, Stanley!
78
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:15,950
Support his head. Yeah, I know.
79
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,950
Support his head. I am. I am.
80
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,740
Hello, Stanley.
81
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,000
Check it's not too hot by
putting a bit on your...
82
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,000
It's good.
83
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,540
Here we go.
84
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,950
What?
85
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That's...
86
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,740
That milk you...
87
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,000
What?
88
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,400
Nothing.
89
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,950
RACHAEL LAUGHS
90
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:49,950
God! [LAUGHS]
91
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,950
Why didn't you say anything?!
92
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:53,950
I decided to spare him.
93
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:54,950
RACHAEL LAUGHS
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00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,000
I'll never be able to
look him in the eye again!
95
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,950
Bless Lance.
96
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,950
Is he all right? I worry about him.
97
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,950
It's hard to tell, but
he hasn't invited me round
98
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,950
to his flat for a curry in months
99
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,950
and I spotted some rust on his car.
100
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,950
Is that significant? Hugely.
101
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,950
Does he ever talk about Maggie?
102
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,950
Occasionally. I don't think they've
been in touch since she left.
103
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,950
Aw... did you have a nice day?
104
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,950
Did you go metal detecting
with Daddy and Uncle Lance?
105
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:24,950
Aw...
106
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,950
Did you find anything good? Nah.
107
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,950
- Nah...
- STANLEY LAUGHS
108
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,950
They never find anything!
109
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:31,950
I heard that.
110
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,070
[RACHAEL LAUGHS] Oops!
111
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,950
Mum wants to take Stan
for the day tomorrow.
112
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:38,950
Oh, great(!)
113
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,950
You could... Call the agency
and see if they've got any work.
114
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,540
Yep... I'll do that first thing.
115
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,950
Do you think your mum will stick to the routines
with the feeding times and naps and all that?
116
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:52,950
Oh... doubt it!
117
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,870
It doesn't matter for one day, does it?
118
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,950
Will she have a go at
me for not having a job?
119
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,000
Mmm... probably.
120
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,950
She hates the fact that
you had to go back to work
121
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and I'm at home with Stan.
122
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,950
She thinks it's degrading for a man.
123
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,950
Oh, who cares what she thinks?
124
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We didn't have a choice.
125
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I know.
126
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SHE GROANS
127
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,950
It won't be long now.
128
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,270
You'll get a job soon. Yep.
129
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,950
I thought I'd pass my exams and
magically become an archaeologist.
130
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,950
It didn't occur to me that
no-one would give me a job.
131
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,950
Poor Daddy.
132
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,950
You know we love you, don't you?
133
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,950
Yep. Although...
134
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,950
What?
135
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,950
Smells like at least one of you has
done a poo in your pants. Really?
136
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:36,950
Bad luck. [LAUGHS]
137
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,950
That's not fair, you knew!
138
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[SHE LAUGHS] I didn't smell anything.
139
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,000
Bullshit. It's making my eyes water.
140
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,950
Lovely to see the finds table
with such a... nice scattering
141
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,070
of quality finds here.
142
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,950
Good range of buttons and buckles,
143
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:04,950
and... half a dozen Civil
War era musket balls.
144
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,950
Now, I know I've said this before,
145
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,950
but although they are common,
146
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:13,000
I find musket balls to be
irresistible nuggets of history...
147
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,950
.. albeit toxic history and all lead
items in your collection should be
148
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,000
stored safely and responsibly,
and out of the reach of children.
149
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,950
Whose is the Roman phallus?
150
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:26,950
Oh, that's mine.
151
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,000
GERARD LAUGHS
152
00:10:30,950 --> 00:10:31,950
Something funny about that? No.
153
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,950
Right.
154
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:34,950
Andy, Lance?
155
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,950
Anything from you on the
finds table this week?
156
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,950
Ah... not this week, Terry, no.
157
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,000
Tufty Club badge.
158
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,950
Now... the annual club
rally is fast approaching
159
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,950
and we still do not have
a site to hold it on.
160
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,200
Does nobody have a
permission that we can use?
161
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,950
Well, if the worst comes to the worst,
we've been given permission to detect
162
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,950
on an old Edwardian rubbish
dump... out by Morden.
163
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,950
An Edwardian rubbish dump?
That's still rubbish, mate.
164
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:05,950
It's disgusting.
165
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,950
How long does something have to be in the
ground before it becomes archaeology then,
166
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:10,950
Mrs Ancient History?
167
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,600
Well, at least 100 years, surely.
168
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,950
I'm with Sophie. The clue's
in the name -- rubbish dump.
169
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,950
Nonsense. The Edwardians threw
some fascinating stuff away.
170
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,950
They didn't throw away
gold, though, did they?
171
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,950
It's not all about gold, Sophie.
172
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,950
Nobody's going to want to come
to a rally where you're absolutely
173
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,950
guaranteed not to find any gold.
174
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,000
She's right, Terry. It's just going
to be broken glass and china. Well...
175
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,000
Until somebody comes up with something
else, it's the best we've got.
176
00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:39,950
Now, Russell, Hugh,
177
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,950
how is your lost wedding
ring recovery service doing?
178
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,950
Yeah, not bad, Terry.
One call out this week.
179
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,950
Old biddy, lost engagement ring.
180
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,950
But I'm not going to waste
my time telling you... Oh...
181
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,950
.. when you can read all about
it in the Essex Chronicle!
182
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,950
Two copies. One for the scrap
book, one for the notice board.
183
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,400
- APPLAUSE
- Well done! Woo!
184
00:12:01,950 --> 00:12:02,950
And we were... Sit down!
185
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,000
And we were wondering whether
we can get a vehicle.
186
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,950
Pardon, a vehicle? That's right.
187
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,950
What's wrong with the bus?
188
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,950
Well, we just think if we
had a DMDC vehicle, it would
189
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,950
present a more, you
know, professional image.
190
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,950
What kind of a vehicle?
191
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,070
Like the Ghostbusters.
192
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,400
We weren't going to say that.
193
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,950
No, not like the Ghostbusters, but
something with a logo on the side.
194
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,950
The Ghostbusters logo.
195
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:30,950
No, the DMDC logo.
196
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,950
Look...
197
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,950
I'm not denying that this club is
in a far healthier state than it
198
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,950
was this time last year, Russell,
199
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,000
but I do not think the DMDC coffers
are going to stretch to a Cadillac.
200
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,950
Speaking of which,
Sheila's come up with a...
201
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,950
novel fund raising idea that I
said she could run up the flagpole,
202
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,950
see if anyone salutes it.
203
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,000
Sheila? Love? Yes.
204
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,950
I thought we could do...
205
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:56,950
a naked calendar.
206
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:57,950
Absolutely not. No. No way.
207
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,000
EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER
208
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,950
Terry could take photos of
you all out metal-detecting
209
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,950
with your finds pouches
covering your privates.
210
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,950
Sheila, shut the fuck up!
You're not hearing me.
211
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,950
EVERYONE TALKING TOGETHER
212
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,950
Certainly not doing it...
Gerry... keep them covered!
213
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,000
THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE
214
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,950
Now, come on, come on.
Don't just dismiss it.
215
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,950
I mean... we've got nearly enough
members for each month of the year.
216
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,950
Well, perhaps some of you
could double up. Lance, Andy...
217
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,950
Well...
218
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,950
Russell, Hugh, you could
do one together perhaps.
219
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,950
Jesus Christ.
220
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,950
Well, you know, it could
be a good money-spinner.
221
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,950
Really, Terry?
222
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,950
Who on earth is going to want
to buy a naked DMDC calendar?
223
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,000
I would.
224
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,950
Well, you know, these
things go viral, don't they?
225
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,950
I mean, you go on the local news,
226
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,950
then suddenly you're sending
them all over the world.
227
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,950
Oh, that's how it works is it?
228
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,950
Then they write a musical about you.
229
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,950
I don't want a musical written about me.
230
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:06,950
Let's have a show of hands.
231
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,000
Who thinks it's a good idea
to do a naked calendar?
232
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,800
It's not enough, darling. Never mind.
233
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,950
So, it's agreed then, we
won't be making a calendar.
234
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,950
I'd like to go further.
235
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:27,950
I'd like us to vow never to take our
clothes off in front of each other.
236
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,000
- Yeah, I'm with him.
- ALL TALKING TOGETHER
237
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,950
Hello. Are you the metal detectors?
238
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,950
Detectorists. Yes.
239
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,950
Welcome to the Dainbury
Metal Detecting Club.
240
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,140
What can we do you for?
241
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,950
I'm looking for the wreckage
or crash site of a plane,
242
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,950
a German plane that came down
somewhere around here in 1941.
243
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,950
I like it already.
244
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:56,950
What type of plane?
245
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,950
My grandfather was one of the crew members
246
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,950
and my grandmother was pregnant
with my dad at the time,
247
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:06,950
and she got a telegram with just the
words, "Missing, believed killed."
248
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,950
Oh, dear. That's very sad.
249
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:09,950
What type of plane?
250
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,950
Junkers JU88. It crashed
on the way back to France.
251
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:15,950
The only clue I could turn up
252
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,000
mentioned the village of... Henburystone.
253
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,950
Oh, that's where Andy and
Lance detect, isn't it?
254
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,800
Henburystone? The round tower church?
255
00:15:24,950 --> 00:15:25,950
Over that way, yeah.
256
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,950
Are you chaps no longer on Bishops Farm?
257
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,950
No, we searched out all the fields there.
258
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,950
Nothing there after all.
259
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,950
This new place never
turned up anything that
260
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,950
looked like plane wreckage, though. No.
261
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,950
You need to go through newspapers
from the time at the library,
262
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,950
see if you can find some
photos of the crash site.
263
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,950
- I can help, it sounds interesting.
- LANCE LAUGHS
264
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,270
What?
265
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:51,950
Well, isn't this the girl who was
saying that Edwardian is still rubbish?
266
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:52,950
And your point is?
267
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:57,950
Well, by your reckoning, a World
War II bomber is merely litter.
268
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,950
Shut up, Lance.
269
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,950
There are aerial photographs
online that show bomb craters.
270
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,950
Well, it might show up in one of those.
271
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:06,950
I can meet you at the library if you like.
272
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,950
See what we can find out. Excellent.
273
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,000
There you are then.
Crack team on the case.
274
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,950
I think you'll find we're a pretty
trustworthy bunch on the whole,
275
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,950
despite our quirks and foibles.
276
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:19,950
Quirks and...?
277
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,950
Foibles.
278
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,950
I don't know either of these.
279
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,340
Peculiar behavioural habits.
280
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,140
Oh.
281
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,000
Nothing serious, nothing sinister.
282
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,000
- You've not joined a cult.
- THEY LAUGH
283
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:44,000
LAUGHTER PETERS OUT NERVOUSLY
284
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,950
So, hands up who thinks Lance should
join an internet dating agency.
285
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,950
Here we go. I'm not joining
an internet dating agency.
286
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,950
It's not a subject for
public conversation.
287
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,950
I think it's a lovely idea, Lance.
288
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:12,950
You could meet somebody really nice.
289
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:13,950
Yeah. That's what I've been telling him.
290
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,950
There's all different
niche websites these days
291
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,600
catering for all different tastes.
292
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,950
Are you insinuating I've
got strange tastes, Russell?
293
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,070
Not you, other people.
294
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,600
Look, I don't want a relationship.
295
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,950
I'm actually going through a
period of voluntary chastity.
296
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,540
ANDY COUGHS
297
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,000
Sorry.
298
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:59,000
You're the sun, you're the moon
299
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,000
You're the light
300
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,000
In the room
301
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:16,000
You are my new age girl.
302
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,000
PHONE VIBRATES
303
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,270
Hello?
304
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:37,950
Oh...
305
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,000
If it's about the fish tank,
I sold it this morning.
306
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,000
It's who?
307
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,270
Kate?
308
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,000
Yeah, it's... This is Lance. It's Lance...
309
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000
Yeah.
310
00:18:56,950 --> 00:18:57,950
Yes, I did, yeah.
311
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,950
I hadn't got round to replying yet.
312
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,950
I'm not very good with
the e-mail. [LAUGHS]
313
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,950
Yeah.
314
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,070
Yeah, well, thank you.
315
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,340
Me too.
316
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,950
Well, yeah, we should meet.
317
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,470
I'm not very good on the phone.
318
00:19:16,950 --> 00:19:17,950
Er...
319
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,950
no.
320
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,140
How about for a coffee?
321
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,940
Tuesday sounds good.
322
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,270
Yeah.
323
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000
OK, well, I'll look forward to...
324
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,270
.. it.
325
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,140
OK.
326
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,200
Bye.
327
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,950
As long as he doesn't have
too long a nap in the morning,
328
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:53,950
that's all I'm asking.
329
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,950
She needs to wake him up after an hour,
330
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,950
otherwise everything goes out of
sync and we're back to square one.
331
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,950
All right, Gina Ford, chill out.
332
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,950
It's not Gina Ford actually. It's
my own unique blend of teachings
333
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,600
and I'm thinking of publishing it.
334
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,950
That will be a gripping read.
335
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,000
Do you think she sterilises
everything properly bec...? Hello?
336
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,950
Really, nothing at all?
Not even catering work?
337
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,270
It's been three weeks now.
338
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,540
OK, thanks.
339
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,950
Nothing? Really?
340
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,740
I haven't got any skills apparently.
341
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,000
I'll do some job searching while
Stan's at your mum's today.
342
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,000
Do you mind if I go out after
work with gay Martin? Sure.
343
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,950
He did some volunteer teaching
last year with the VSO. Oh, yeah?
344
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,000
He did six months in Colombia
-- it sounded amazing. Cool.
345
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,000
Well, it sounds like what we used to
talk about, about going to Africa.
346
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,950
What, you're not thinking we can do it?
347
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,950
Well, it'd be better than waiting
around for dead-end catering jobs,
348
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:00,950
wouldn't it?
349
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,270
Yeah, but not now. Why not?
350
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,500
Well, because we've got
Stan now, he's just a baby.
351
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,950
Well, I'd still like to hear about it.
352
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,950
Well, yes, you should.
It'd be interesting.
353
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,950
So, you don't mind if I'm a bit late?
354
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,950
Not if you're only with gay Martin.
355
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,800
Oh, he's not gay.
356
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,950
Isn't he? No! It's an ironic nickname
357
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,950
because he's the least homosexual
man you can possibly imagine.
358
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,000
He's gorgeous and Spanish.
All the women fancy him.
359
00:21:29,950 --> 00:21:30,950
Is he? Do they?
360
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,950
I don't.
361
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,670
No, of course.
362
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,600
But, yeah...
363
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,470
That's who I'm going out with.
364
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,600
Right. Good.
365
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,000
HE RINGS DOORBELL
366
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,950
Stanley!
367
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,000
It's Nana!
368
00:22:13,950 --> 00:22:14,950
Yeah!
369
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,070
Hello, Veronica. Andy.
370
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,400
How are you? Well, thank you.
371
00:22:20,950 --> 00:22:21,950
Working?
372
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,950
Er... Not really. Still
looking for a proper job.
373
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,000
Proper job, yeah. That's
probably a good idea.
374
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:33,950
And... what are you up to
today whilst my daughter works
375
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,950
and I look after Stanley?
376
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,950
Metal-detecting. [CLEARS THROAT]
377
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,670
I beg your pardon? Metal-detecting.
378
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,000
Very useful.
379
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,540
Who's that?
380
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,950
That's my friend, Lance.
381
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,800
What a silly car.
382
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,200
You ready to rumble? Hmm.
383
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,950
I've written a list with
feeding times on it and...
384
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,950
I don't need a list, I've
raised three of my own.
385
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,950
I know, but I'm trying
to stick to a routine.
386
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,950
We can work out our own routine,
thank you. We're quite capable.
387
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,950
It's just that quite a lot of work has gone
into this... Run along now and go and...
388
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,950
[SHE SIGHS].. find some metal.
389
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,950
Do you want to keep hold of this,
just in case? No, thank you.
390
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,950
All right, well, I'll just leave
it there. And I've got my mobile,
391
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,950
Becky's got hers and I've put my
friend Lance's number down. Bye-bye.
392
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,270
His next feed is at 9:30...
393
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,950
Silly? What way silly?
394
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:35,950
A clown car is silly.
395
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,950
A Triumph TR7 is a classic.
396
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,950
It's just if he gets out of
sync, then all of that work's
397
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,950
out of the window. He'll
be up all night again.
398
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,950
Relax, mate. It'll be fine.
399
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,800
Stupid old trout.
400
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,950
Ah! Damn it, we've got to go back.
401
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:50,950
Why? What is it?
402
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:51,950
It's Clothy, he needs it.
403
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,950
Becky's mum will have
a piece of old flannel.
404
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,950
This isn't a piece of old
flannel, this is Clothy.
405
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:01,000
He can do without Clothy for
one day. He's three months old.
406
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,270
Got to start toughening up.
407
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,950
Turns out he's not even gay.
408
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,000
It's an ironic nickname
because he's so heterosexual.
409
00:24:43,950 --> 00:24:44,950
Shit.
410
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,000
Yeah. Gorgeous... Spanish. Yeah?
411
00:24:48,950 --> 00:24:49,950
I'm not worried.
412
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,950
Doesn't sound like it.
413
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,950
But, yeah, I've got to get a
job soon. It's ridiculous.
414
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:59,000
43 years old and I can't
even provide for my family.
415
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,950
Are there any jobs going at the depot?
416
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:04,950
Only if you can drive a fork lift.
417
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,950
I can't even drive a car.
418
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,000
No, then.
419
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,870
What have you got?
420
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,950
It's a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen.
421
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,340
Really?
422
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,600
With the pen?
423
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,000
Oh, no, actually... It's just
the cheque book. Oh, well.
424
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,140
You see? Car-boot sales.
425
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,070
What's the name on it?
426
00:25:38,950 --> 00:25:39,950
Les Dawson.
427
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,950
Pity. They're the most common. Eh?
428
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:46,950
Dawson did 123 episodes
including Christmas specials.
429
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,950
Wogan did 95.
430
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,950
Surprisingly, the scarce ones
are the Lily Savage ones --
431
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,950
she only did 59 eps.
432
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,950
All right, Rain Man. How
do you know this stuff?
433
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,950
Lecture at this year's
TV Nostalgia convention.
434
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:00,950
You still go to those?
435
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,000
Nah, not after the last one. Shambles.
436
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:09,000
Yeah. Nostalgia conventions
aren't what they used to be.
437
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,950
Lee Majors is going to be at the next one.
438
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:12,950
The Six Million Dollar Man?
439
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,000
Apparently, he's only worth 100 grand now.
440
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,500
- That's why he...
- BOTH: .. does the conventions.
441
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,950
You've been together eight months.
442
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,950
I wanted to spend the
rest of my life with him.
443
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,000
I love you.
444
00:27:04,050 --> 00:27:08,600
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