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1
00:00:07,321 --> 00:00:08,656
Hold up. You guys finally kissed?
2
00:00:08,656 --> 00:00:09,824
Yes, and Roofie,
3
00:00:09,824 --> 00:00:11,325
it was like kissing a sunbeam.
4
00:00:11,325 --> 00:00:12,293
Is that a good thing?
5
00:00:12,293 --> 00:00:13,561
Yeah! I mean, I...
6
00:00:13,561 --> 00:00:14,696
I gotta tell you, even though, like,
7
00:00:14,696 --> 00:00:15,797
my own TV show got cancelled,
8
00:00:15,797 --> 00:00:17,198
my dad walked out on me again,
9
00:00:17,198 --> 00:00:18,332
I'm completely broke,
10
00:00:18,332 --> 00:00:19,567
I can't even pay my rent,
11
00:00:19,567 --> 00:00:20,668
I'm finally happy!
12
00:00:20,668 --> 00:00:22,236
Well, I'm happy for you, man.
13
00:00:22,236 --> 00:00:24,272
- Thanks, man.
- And I'm happy for me!
14
00:00:24,272 --> 00:00:25,573
I had a talk with Sue, man,
15
00:00:25,573 --> 00:00:26,641
and it really had an impact.
16
00:00:26,641 --> 00:00:28,843
- No more drugs.
- What... what?
17
00:00:28,843 --> 00:00:30,311
Are you telling me there's not
18
00:00:30,311 --> 00:00:31,646
even any weed in these brownies?
19
00:00:31,646 --> 00:00:32,914
God damn it, Roofie!
20
00:00:32,914 --> 00:00:34,816
Not... no... not... not that I have
21
00:00:34,816 --> 00:00:36,250
a problem with you, regular brownies.
22
00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:37,485
- You're sweet.
- Pac, Pac, Pac,
23
00:00:37,485 --> 00:00:38,619
but they're not for you, okay.
24
00:00:38,619 --> 00:00:40,221
They're for the soup kitchen.
25
00:00:40,221 --> 00:00:41,923
I'm trying to reverse
14 years of bad karma.
26
00:00:41,923 --> 00:00:43,491
I don't think you can do that, man.
27
00:00:43,491 --> 00:00:45,293
Hey, hey, bitch!
28
00:00:45,293 --> 00:00:46,527
Hold up.
29
00:00:46,527 --> 00:00:48,496
Man, what's this bullshit I hear
30
00:00:48,496 --> 00:00:49,831
about you dissolving the drug business
31
00:00:49,831 --> 00:00:51,399
and giving back to the community?
32
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:53,501
- Tyson, just relax, man.
- Relax?
33
00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:54,869
You realize how hard it is
34
00:00:54,869 --> 00:00:57,171
for a guy like me to find a legit job?
35
00:00:57,171 --> 00:00:58,473
- A guy like you?
- Yeah, a guy
36
00:00:58,473 --> 00:00:59,607
that's been in the drug business
37
00:00:59,607 --> 00:01:00,742
as long as I have.
38
00:01:00,742 --> 00:01:02,210
Man, my r?sum? is horseshit!
39
00:01:02,210 --> 00:01:03,644
Why don't you just get like a job
40
00:01:03,644 --> 00:01:04,912
as a nightclub bouncer or somethin'?
41
00:01:04,912 --> 00:01:06,314
A nightclub bouncer?
42
00:01:06,314 --> 00:01:07,648
You realize how ridiculous that sounds?
43
00:01:07,648 --> 00:01:09,383
Yeah, I cannot see that, Roofie.
44
00:01:09,383 --> 00:01:10,752
Yeah, no shit.
45
00:01:10,752 --> 00:01:12,487
They only give those jobs to black guys.
46
00:01:12,487 --> 00:01:13,921
- Yeah. That's true.
- It's true.
47
00:01:13,921 --> 00:01:15,523
You let me down, Roof.
48
00:01:15,523 --> 00:01:16,390
I... I...
49
00:01:16,390 --> 00:01:17,258
Oh!
50
00:01:17,258 --> 00:01:21,258
51
00:01:25,967 --> 00:01:27,969
(screaming)
52
00:01:27,969 --> 00:01:31,969
53
00:01:52,393 --> 00:01:54,495
(groaning)
54
00:01:54,495 --> 00:01:56,531
(bell ringing)
55
00:01:56,531 --> 00:01:59,267
56
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:00,401
Hi!
57
00:02:00,401 --> 00:02:01,502
Hey.
58
00:02:01,502 --> 00:02:02,570
Welcome to Circuit County.
59
00:02:02,570 --> 00:02:03,838
How may I help you?
60
00:02:03,838 --> 00:02:05,273
Well, I would like to return
61
00:02:05,273 --> 00:02:06,541
this TV that I have placed
62
00:02:06,541 --> 00:02:07,775
back in its original packing
63
00:02:07,775 --> 00:02:09,710
as if nothing has happened.
64
00:02:09,710 --> 00:02:10,878
Is there a problem with it?
65
00:02:10,878 --> 00:02:12,580
Yes, I got it home,
66
00:02:12,580 --> 00:02:13,648
took it out of the box,
67
00:02:13,648 --> 00:02:14,882
only to discover that
68
00:02:14,882 --> 00:02:16,350
I can't afford it.
69
00:02:16,350 --> 00:02:17,885
Sorry, sir, we have a pretty strict
70
00:02:17,885 --> 00:02:19,554
no backsies policy.
71
00:02:19,554 --> 00:02:20,955
Right there.
72
00:02:21,789 --> 00:02:23,257
No backsies?
73
00:02:23,257 --> 00:02:25,927
Tune into Midtown Manhattan Medium,
74
00:02:25,927 --> 00:02:28,763
the only show on Alt TV featuring a medium!
75
00:02:28,763 --> 00:02:30,231
Wait a sec!
76
00:02:30,231 --> 00:02:32,466
You're that fat idiot
security guard from MMM!
77
00:02:32,466 --> 00:02:34,268
No, I was that fat
78
00:02:34,268 --> 00:02:35,703
idiot security guard from MMM.
79
00:02:35,703 --> 00:02:38,439
Now I'm just a plain old medium.
80
00:02:38,439 --> 00:02:39,907
Maybe you can help us out.
81
00:02:39,907 --> 00:02:41,409
Something weird's been happening
82
00:02:41,409 --> 00:02:42,710
with our floor models recently.
83
00:02:42,710 --> 00:02:43,811
The TVs have been scrambling
84
00:02:43,811 --> 00:02:45,246
for no apparent reason.
85
00:02:45,246 --> 00:02:47,248
I don't know. I'm not
good with the antennae.
86
00:02:47,248 --> 00:02:48,349
They're all satellite.
87
00:02:48,349 --> 00:02:49,383
You want me to go to space?
88
00:02:49,383 --> 00:02:50,418
No!
89
00:02:50,418 --> 00:02:51,819
I think we might have a ghost?
90
00:02:51,819 --> 00:02:53,721
Oh, shit, yeah, 'cause I'm a medium.
91
00:02:53,721 --> 00:02:55,189
Right, I didn't even connect the dots.
92
00:02:55,189 --> 00:02:56,257
So, no space?
93
00:02:56,257 --> 00:02:57,692
No, forget about space. Look...
94
00:02:57,692 --> 00:02:59,293
if you could get rid of whatever it is
95
00:02:59,293 --> 00:03:00,628
that's haunting us,
96
00:03:00,628 --> 00:03:02,430
I could go backsies on the no backsies.
97
00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:04,332
- Oh.
- Full cash refund.
98
00:03:04,332 --> 00:03:06,300
You've got yourself a deal, partner.
99
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:07,635
Oh...
100
00:03:10,805 --> 00:03:13,241
Oh yeah, I respect the policy.
101
00:03:13,241 --> 00:03:14,609
Thanks.
102
00:03:14,609 --> 00:03:16,410
Oh, my God.
103
00:03:16,410 --> 00:03:18,579
I have got to go to Michigan.
104
00:03:18,579 --> 00:03:19,747
Hey, look at...
105
00:03:19,747 --> 00:03:21,249
Oh, snap!
106
00:03:21,249 --> 00:03:22,783
Yo, these TVs are all that
107
00:03:22,783 --> 00:03:24,485
and a bag of chips!
108
00:03:24,485 --> 00:03:25,953
- Hey!
- Yo, wassup?
109
00:03:25,953 --> 00:03:27,421
- Yo.
- I cannot get over
110
00:03:27,421 --> 00:03:28,823
all this technology, homie!
111
00:03:28,823 --> 00:03:30,725
It's pretty tight, right?
112
00:03:30,725 --> 00:03:31,893
Wait, you can see me?
113
00:03:31,893 --> 00:03:33,494
Yeah, yo. I'm a medium.
114
00:03:33,494 --> 00:03:35,229
- Word?
- Yeah, let me guess.
115
00:03:35,229 --> 00:03:36,597
You either died in the nineties,
116
00:03:36,597 --> 00:03:37,732
or you're a Canadian.
117
00:03:37,732 --> 00:03:39,166
Yeah, no, I died in the nineties.
118
00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:40,334
- Knew it.
- Psych!
119
00:03:40,334 --> 00:03:41,836
No, I died like a few days ago!
120
00:03:41,836 --> 00:03:43,237
Oh, okay.
121
00:03:43,237 --> 00:03:45,273
So, uh, what's the dealio?
122
00:03:45,273 --> 00:03:46,841
Oh, this?
123
00:03:46,841 --> 00:03:49,944
Yeah, it's a bit embarrassing...
124
00:03:49,944 --> 00:03:53,414
It was New Year's Eve, 1999.
125
00:03:53,414 --> 00:03:55,950
The century was coming to an end,
126
00:03:55,950 --> 00:03:57,752
and Y2K was upon us.
127
00:03:57,752 --> 00:03:58,986
I remember Y2K, that's when
128
00:03:58,986 --> 00:04:00,288
all the toasters were gonna, like,
129
00:04:00,288 --> 00:04:01,489
turn into robots and then
130
00:04:01,489 --> 00:04:02,590
we were gonna eat our microwaves?
131
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:03,791
Not just the toasters, yo.
132
00:04:03,791 --> 00:04:05,593
The world was about to be thrown
133
00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:06,861
into total chaos.
134
00:04:06,861 --> 00:04:07,929
Now determined to be
135
00:04:07,929 --> 00:04:09,363
one of the few survivors,
136
00:04:09,363 --> 00:04:10,765
I decided to go underground.
137
00:04:10,765 --> 00:04:11,632
Shit, son.
138
00:04:11,632 --> 00:04:12,667
So I built a bunker
139
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:13,968
under an empty lot,
140
00:04:13,968 --> 00:04:15,870
in a highly obscure part of Brooklyn
141
00:04:15,870 --> 00:04:18,906
that no one would ever think to visit.
142
00:04:18,906 --> 00:04:22,443
A place called Williamsburg.
143
00:04:22,443 --> 00:04:23,811
Oh.
144
00:04:23,811 --> 00:04:25,713
Yeah, so, uh, how did you die?
145
00:04:25,713 --> 00:04:26,614
You starve to death?
146
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:28,215
No, no, I, uh,
147
00:04:28,215 --> 00:04:29,850
I was trying to see how many licks it took
148
00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:32,386
to get to the center of this, um...
149
00:04:32,386 --> 00:04:33,587
Yeah, anyway, listen, yo,
150
00:04:33,587 --> 00:04:34,655
I need you to open
151
00:04:34,655 --> 00:04:35,856
that bunker for me, son!
152
00:04:35,856 --> 00:04:36,857
I got it, I got it.
153
00:04:36,857 --> 00:04:38,359
You want me to run in there,
154
00:04:38,359 --> 00:04:39,760
grab your Smash Mouth CDs right quick?
155
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,262
As if!
156
00:04:41,262 --> 00:04:43,531
No, I need you to get into that bunker
157
00:04:43,531 --> 00:04:45,833
because there is someone else down there.
158
00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:47,401
It's Rick Moranis, isn't it?
159
00:04:47,401 --> 00:04:48,536
No, it's my girlfriend.
160
00:04:48,536 --> 00:04:49,704
Your girlfriend is Rick Moranis?
161
00:04:49,704 --> 00:04:51,339
No, my girlfriend is Samantha.
162
00:04:51,339 --> 00:04:52,974
And I told her the world was ending,
163
00:04:52,974 --> 00:04:54,709
and now she thinks she is the last person
164
00:04:54,709 --> 00:04:56,577
alive on Earth!
165
00:04:56,577 --> 00:04:58,512
She is gonna die in that bunker,
166
00:04:58,512 --> 00:05:00,481
never knowing the truth.
167
00:05:00,481 --> 00:05:02,216
And you?
168
00:05:02,216 --> 00:05:04,518
You are her only hope.
169
00:05:04,518 --> 00:05:07,955
170
00:05:12,693 --> 00:05:16,693
171
00:05:22,536 --> 00:05:23,871
(clanking)
172
00:05:23,871 --> 00:05:27,871
173
00:05:30,911 --> 00:05:33,681
Hi there, uh, just a quick question.
174
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,282
Is there a deserted lot
175
00:05:35,282 --> 00:05:36,650
on these, uh, premiseses,
176
00:05:36,650 --> 00:05:38,386
or is it all... building?
177
00:05:38,386 --> 00:05:39,787
I'm afraid it's all building, sir,
178
00:05:39,787 --> 00:05:40,855
since 2004.
179
00:05:40,855 --> 00:05:41,922
Okay, I see.
180
00:05:41,922 --> 00:05:43,157
Now this building...
181
00:05:43,157 --> 00:05:44,925
is there any way to get,
182
00:05:44,925 --> 00:05:47,495
I don't know, like, underneath it?
183
00:05:47,495 --> 00:05:49,730
I doubt it. It's a bank.
184
00:05:49,730 --> 00:05:51,565
Well, a sperm bank.
185
00:05:51,565 --> 00:05:52,933
One of the most secure sperm banks
186
00:05:52,933 --> 00:05:54,368
in North America.
187
00:05:54,368 --> 00:05:56,303
(scat singing circus music)
188
00:05:56,303 --> 00:05:57,938
Slide down there a little, slim.
189
00:05:57,938 --> 00:05:59,340
Welcome back, Carl.
190
00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:00,775
Good morning, Diane.
191
00:06:00,775 --> 00:06:01,842
How'd that sticky toffee
192
00:06:01,842 --> 00:06:03,344
pudding recipe work out?
193
00:06:03,344 --> 00:06:05,446
It really made the toffee flavor pop.
194
00:06:05,446 --> 00:06:07,348
Speaking of making things pop,
195
00:06:07,348 --> 00:06:08,516
how about you give me a crack
196
00:06:08,516 --> 00:06:09,717
at that break room today?
197
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,285
Now Carl, we've been through this.
198
00:06:11,285 --> 00:06:12,953
I know, I know.
199
00:06:12,953 --> 00:06:14,588
The break room's for snacking,
200
00:06:14,588 --> 00:06:16,957
not for whacking.
201
00:06:16,957 --> 00:06:18,826
Can't blame a guy for trying.
202
00:06:18,826 --> 00:06:20,327
(chuckling)
203
00:06:20,327 --> 00:06:24,365
204
00:06:24,365 --> 00:06:25,666
(clearing throat)
205
00:06:25,666 --> 00:06:27,401
Are you here for a deposit as well?
206
00:06:27,401 --> 00:06:28,936
No! No, no, no, no. I'm here for more
207
00:06:28,936 --> 00:06:30,938
of like a withdrawal type situation.
208
00:06:30,938 --> 00:06:32,406
Uh, I need to grab something...
209
00:06:32,406 --> 00:06:33,507
er... someone.
210
00:06:33,507 --> 00:06:34,642
We get this a lot.
211
00:06:34,642 --> 00:06:35,910
Someone donates their sperm,
212
00:06:35,910 --> 00:06:37,511
then immediately feels weird about it
213
00:06:37,511 --> 00:06:38,779
and tries to get it back.
214
00:06:38,779 --> 00:06:39,814
Unfortunately,
215
00:06:39,814 --> 00:06:41,382
here at Fidelity Sperm United,
216
00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:44,652
we have a strict no backsies policy.
217
00:06:44,652 --> 00:06:47,221
_
218
00:06:47,221 --> 00:06:48,489
Sea salt? No shit.
219
00:06:48,489 --> 00:06:49,824
Yeah, apparently it really makes
220
00:06:49,824 --> 00:06:50,958
the toffee flavor pop.
221
00:06:50,958 --> 00:06:52,293
I don't know.
222
00:06:52,293 --> 00:06:53,527
Soup kitchen's gonna love that.
223
00:06:53,527 --> 00:06:55,463
Cool. So, quick question.
224
00:06:55,463 --> 00:06:56,630
If you were me,
225
00:06:56,630 --> 00:06:57,865
how would you go about sneaking
226
00:06:57,865 --> 00:06:58,933
into a sperm bank?
227
00:06:58,933 --> 00:07:00,334
Can't say it enough:
228
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:01,535
I'm happy I'm not you.
229
00:07:01,535 --> 00:07:02,903
There is a girl trapped
230
00:07:02,903 --> 00:07:04,205
with a corpse in a bunker
231
00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:05,272
underneath the sperm bank.
232
00:07:05,272 --> 00:07:07,608
She's been there since
the turn of the Willennium.
233
00:07:07,608 --> 00:07:08,809
She's gonna eventually die down there
234
00:07:08,809 --> 00:07:10,511
if we don't go get her.
235
00:07:10,511 --> 00:07:12,179
Wait. How long you say
236
00:07:12,179 --> 00:07:13,614
she been down there, fourteen years?
237
00:07:13,614 --> 00:07:15,349
- Yeah.
- That's exactly
238
00:07:15,349 --> 00:07:16,951
the amount of time I been dealing drugs.
239
00:07:16,951 --> 00:07:18,185
Yeah, so?
240
00:07:18,185 --> 00:07:19,420
Saving this girl might be
241
00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:20,754
the perfect way to redeem myself.
242
00:07:20,754 --> 00:07:22,256
And, planning a heist has always been
243
00:07:22,256 --> 00:07:23,524
a childhood fantasy of mine.
244
00:07:23,524 --> 00:07:25,192
- I'm in!
- Yaaaay, Roofie!
245
00:07:25,192 --> 00:07:26,560
All right, okay!
246
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,962
So, what do we need to do?
247
00:07:27,962 --> 00:07:29,697
You wanna know what we need to do?
248
00:07:29,697 --> 00:07:30,965
Yeah.
249
00:07:33,901 --> 00:07:36,604
That's what we need to do,
250
00:07:36,604 --> 00:07:38,606
with a much lower budget.
251
00:07:38,606 --> 00:07:41,475
First, we need some montage music.
252
00:07:41,475 --> 00:07:44,445
(soft piano music)
253
00:07:44,445 --> 00:07:45,579
(music warping)
254
00:07:45,579 --> 00:07:46,714
(funky music)
255
00:07:46,714 --> 00:07:48,215
- Yeah! That's it.
- Mmm!
256
00:07:48,215 --> 00:07:49,550
Next, we gotta find someone that knows
257
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:51,519
the place like the back of his hand.
258
00:07:51,519 --> 00:07:53,521
What about the front of his palm?
259
00:07:53,521 --> 00:07:57,521
260
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,602
Wise Water, smart choice.
261
00:08:08,602 --> 00:08:10,271
I like to replenish the electrolytes
262
00:08:10,271 --> 00:08:12,473
after every honorable discharge.
263
00:08:12,473 --> 00:08:14,808
264
00:08:14,808 --> 00:08:15,976
Who sent you?
265
00:08:15,976 --> 00:08:17,878
It was I who sent me.
266
00:08:17,878 --> 00:08:19,680
I require your expertise.
267
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,248
What's in it for me?
268
00:08:21,248 --> 00:08:24,251
How does two 25 dollar bills sound, my man?
269
00:08:24,251 --> 00:08:25,719
Sounds like 50 bucks.
270
00:08:25,719 --> 00:08:28,355
I get that every time I jizz in a cup!
271
00:08:28,355 --> 00:08:29,523
Sixty?
272
00:08:29,523 --> 00:08:31,325
273
00:08:31,325 --> 00:08:32,593
Now obviously
274
00:08:32,593 --> 00:08:34,161
this is an after hours operation.
275
00:08:34,161 --> 00:08:35,429
There's a female guard who patrols
276
00:08:35,429 --> 00:08:36,664
the front entrance at night.
277
00:08:36,664 --> 00:08:38,332
We're gonna need a distraction.
278
00:08:38,332 --> 00:08:39,366
Female?
279
00:08:39,366 --> 00:08:40,734
- I got this.
- The front door
280
00:08:40,734 --> 00:08:42,203
will be locked from the inside.
281
00:08:42,203 --> 00:08:43,237
We're gonna need someone
282
00:08:43,237 --> 00:08:44,605
who can slip in during the day
283
00:08:44,605 --> 00:08:47,208
and hide undetected till nightfall.
284
00:08:47,208 --> 00:08:49,276
I think I know our guy.
285
00:08:49,276 --> 00:08:53,276
286
00:09:02,323 --> 00:09:03,757
The fuck do you want?
287
00:09:03,757 --> 00:09:05,726
Someone to take over my business.
288
00:09:05,726 --> 00:09:08,829
289
00:09:08,829 --> 00:09:10,764
So after we distract the outside guard,
290
00:09:10,764 --> 00:09:12,833
then we gotta get past the inside guard
291
00:09:12,833 --> 00:09:14,335
who sits at reception.
292
00:09:14,335 --> 00:09:15,869
He takes a four minute shit every night
293
00:09:15,869 --> 00:09:17,871
at the same time like clockwork.
294
00:09:17,871 --> 00:09:19,673
You can set your watch
by this guy's asshole.
295
00:09:19,673 --> 00:09:21,175
That's just enough time for Tyson
296
00:09:21,175 --> 00:09:22,509
to let us in.
297
00:09:22,509 --> 00:09:23,777
But we're not out of the woods yet.
298
00:09:23,777 --> 00:09:25,379
There's one security camera
299
00:09:25,379 --> 00:09:26,947
which looks down the entire hallway
300
00:09:26,947 --> 00:09:28,482
leading to the main freezer.
301
00:09:28,482 --> 00:09:30,718
So besides that four minute shit window,
302
00:09:30,718 --> 00:09:31,785
we're gonna need someone
303
00:09:31,785 --> 00:09:33,487
who can scramble monitors.
304
00:09:33,487 --> 00:09:37,487
305
00:09:48,502 --> 00:09:49,937
We got the brains,
306
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:51,572
we got the muscle,
307
00:09:51,572 --> 00:09:53,340
we got the architect,
308
00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:54,775
we got the... no, Zoila,
309
00:09:54,775 --> 00:09:56,777
we don't need a cleaner on this heist.
310
00:09:56,777 --> 00:09:58,746
Sorry, mister.
311
00:09:58,746 --> 00:10:01,649
Sticky toffee pudding, se?��or.
312
00:10:01,649 --> 00:10:05,386
Okay, thank you, thank you, Zoila.
313
00:10:05,386 --> 00:10:07,688
Here we go, take two.
314
00:10:07,688 --> 00:10:09,356
We got the brains,
315
00:10:09,356 --> 00:10:10,924
we got the muscle,
316
00:10:10,924 --> 00:10:12,793
we got the architect,
317
00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:14,495
we got the techie,
318
00:10:14,495 --> 00:10:16,397
we got the blob,
319
00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:18,198
we got the me.
320
00:10:18,198 --> 00:10:19,800
- Woah... Blob!
- Hello.
321
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,302
Blob, what are you doing here?
322
00:10:21,302 --> 00:10:24,204
Joey Fatone, what the fuck is that?
323
00:10:24,204 --> 00:10:25,839
Hey, buddy, it's good to see you.
324
00:10:25,839 --> 00:10:27,741
I am so sorry that I banished you.
325
00:10:27,741 --> 00:10:29,276
I just wanna help.
326
00:10:29,276 --> 00:10:30,711
You're such a sweetheart... I'm...
327
00:10:30,711 --> 00:10:32,313
it is really good to see you!
328
00:10:32,313 --> 00:10:33,681
But unfortunately, we just... we don't have
329
00:10:33,681 --> 00:10:35,249
a job for you on this heist.
330
00:10:35,249 --> 00:10:36,383
But, you know, enough of that!
331
00:10:36,383 --> 00:10:37,484
How are you? You look good!
332
00:10:37,484 --> 00:10:39,453
Pac! Come on.
333
00:10:39,453 --> 00:10:40,587
- Huh?
- The plan!
334
00:10:40,587 --> 00:10:42,389
Oh, yes, right. The plan.
335
00:10:42,389 --> 00:10:46,389
336
00:10:54,568 --> 00:10:55,703
Hey, bitch!
337
00:10:55,703 --> 00:10:56,704
Oh.
338
00:10:56,704 --> 00:11:00,704
339
00:11:01,575 --> 00:11:02,876
- Hey!
- God, Tyson!
340
00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:04,311
I'm half mast.
341
00:11:04,311 --> 00:11:05,512
Just make it fast.
342
00:11:05,512 --> 00:11:07,448
All right, said the boner killer.
343
00:11:07,448 --> 00:11:09,249
Okay...
344
00:11:09,249 --> 00:11:11,218
(exhaling)
345
00:11:11,218 --> 00:11:12,686
I'm so distracted.
346
00:11:12,686 --> 00:11:16,686
347
00:11:19,660 --> 00:11:20,761
Now, if this doesn't seem like
348
00:11:20,761 --> 00:11:22,162
your particular cup of tea,
349
00:11:22,162 --> 00:11:23,397
you can eat as many Hot Pockets
350
00:11:23,397 --> 00:11:24,665
as you want, walk out that door,
351
00:11:24,665 --> 00:11:25,933
no questions asked.
352
00:11:25,933 --> 00:11:29,336
But, if you feel like being a hero
353
00:11:29,336 --> 00:11:31,438
and saving a girl from the weight
354
00:11:31,438 --> 00:11:33,574
of millions... nay, trillions
355
00:11:33,574 --> 00:11:36,510
of the most secure sperm in Brooklyn,
356
00:11:36,510 --> 00:11:38,345
then stick around.
357
00:11:38,345 --> 00:11:40,214
Still eat some Hot Pockets,
358
00:11:40,214 --> 00:11:41,448
and then let's do this!
359
00:11:41,448 --> 00:11:42,816
- Yes!
- Awesome!
360
00:11:42,816 --> 00:11:43,917
Let's do it!
361
00:11:43,917 --> 00:11:45,352
Sorry, Zoila.
362
00:11:45,352 --> 00:11:49,352
363
00:11:58,399 --> 00:12:00,834
(groaning)
364
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:03,203
The guard is off-duty taking a doodie.
365
00:12:03,203 --> 00:12:04,638
You got four minutes.
366
00:12:04,638 --> 00:12:08,638
367
00:12:09,343 --> 00:12:10,577
Hey, I'm Roofie.
368
00:12:10,577 --> 00:12:11,712
I'm smooth like a baby,
369
00:12:11,712 --> 00:12:13,213
but I hump like a man.
370
00:12:13,213 --> 00:12:14,248
Oh, fill me!
371
00:12:14,248 --> 00:12:15,482
I'm dead and I'm empty.
372
00:12:15,482 --> 00:12:16,817
Oh, word. I got some
373
00:12:16,817 --> 00:12:18,619
premium diesel right here, girl.
374
00:12:18,619 --> 00:12:20,287
Oh, you like it rough, huh, girl?
375
00:12:20,287 --> 00:12:21,455
Me, too! Shit.
376
00:12:21,455 --> 00:12:22,523
Hot Pac, something's wrong.
377
00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:24,658
No, it ruins the game
when you do that... huh?
378
00:12:24,658 --> 00:12:25,859
Oh. I see.
379
00:12:25,859 --> 00:12:26,894
Oh!
380
00:12:26,894 --> 00:12:28,695
(shrieking)
381
00:12:32,489 --> 00:12:34,324
Oh, that's gotta hurt!
382
00:12:34,324 --> 00:12:35,559
Ah, it hurts!
383
00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:36,560
- Yeah.
- Hurts.
384
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:37,928
Yo, you better hustle.
385
00:12:37,928 --> 00:12:39,563
This guy's gonna be wiping any second.
386
00:12:39,563 --> 00:12:40,831
Tyson, we got an issue here.
387
00:12:40,831 --> 00:12:42,032
Hold on! No, ah!
388
00:12:42,032 --> 00:12:43,700
Technically Roofie is distracting
389
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:44,668
the guard.
390
00:12:44,668 --> 00:12:45,836
Why?
391
00:12:45,836 --> 00:12:50,040
392
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,376
(gagging)
393
00:12:52,376 --> 00:12:56,376
394
00:13:00,417 --> 00:13:02,753
(toilet flushes)
395
00:13:02,753 --> 00:13:06,753
396
00:13:19,603 --> 00:13:21,572
Yo, is your boy in place?
397
00:13:21,572 --> 00:13:25,572
398
00:13:48,799 --> 00:13:52,002
Whoa, hold up, hold up, hold up!
399
00:13:52,002 --> 00:13:53,437
Something's not right.
400
00:13:53,437 --> 00:13:54,671
401
00:13:58,575 --> 00:13:59,810
402
00:14:03,614 --> 00:14:05,015
403
00:14:05,015 --> 00:14:07,417
(lasers buzzing)
404
00:14:07,417 --> 00:14:08,752
This is new.
405
00:14:08,752 --> 00:14:09,820
Woah.
406
00:14:09,820 --> 00:14:10,988
(neck cracking)
407
00:14:10,988 --> 00:14:12,422
I got this.
408
00:14:12,422 --> 00:14:14,825
(reggae dance music playing)
409
00:14:14,825 --> 00:14:18,825
410
00:14:35,045 --> 00:14:36,013
Uh...
411
00:14:36,013 --> 00:14:37,881
412
00:14:37,881 --> 00:14:39,383
Oh, that's fly.
413
00:14:39,383 --> 00:14:43,383
414
00:14:50,527 --> 00:14:51,695
Come on!
415
00:14:51,695 --> 00:14:53,597
Oh, my God! That was amazing!
416
00:14:53,597 --> 00:14:54,965
Where did you learn to shuck and jive
417
00:14:54,965 --> 00:14:56,400
like that, Fred Astaire?
418
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,834
Prison. What's the code?
419
00:14:57,834 --> 00:15:00,537
Carl, what's the code? Ca-Carl?
420
00:15:00,537 --> 00:15:02,506
Carl? Oh, shart, man.
421
00:15:02,506 --> 00:15:04,007
Carl had the code written on his hand!
422
00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:05,542
Why didn't you have it
written on your hand?
423
00:15:05,542 --> 00:15:06,576
You know I'm ticklish.
424
00:15:06,576 --> 00:15:07,611
How would I know that?
425
00:15:07,611 --> 00:15:09,846
'Cause everybo...
426
00:15:09,846 --> 00:15:11,815
Carl, were you doing
427
00:15:11,815 --> 00:15:13,283
what I think you were doing?
428
00:15:13,283 --> 00:15:14,685
Depends, do you think
429
00:15:14,685 --> 00:15:16,053
I was masturbating in the break room?
430
00:15:16,053 --> 00:15:17,387
Yes, I do.
431
00:15:17,387 --> 00:15:18,755
- Then yes.
- Oh, my God.
432
00:15:18,755 --> 00:15:19,823
I finally got to blow
433
00:15:19,823 --> 00:15:20,991
some splooge in the break room.
434
00:15:20,991 --> 00:15:22,292
I thought you'd be happy for me.
435
00:15:22,292 --> 00:15:23,060
Ah, weird, man.
436
00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:24,061
Man, what's the code?
437
00:15:24,061 --> 00:15:26,997
Relax, I got the code.
438
00:15:26,997 --> 00:15:28,732
I guess we should have
seen that comin', huh?
439
00:15:28,732 --> 00:15:30,000
- Ah.
- Ugh, dick hands!
440
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,501
Hey, watch my moneymaker!
441
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:32,736
We're screwed! We're screwed
442
00:15:32,736 --> 00:15:34,271
by a jerkoff and a jackoff!
443
00:15:34,271 --> 00:15:35,539
Don't lump me in with him, man.
444
00:15:35,539 --> 00:15:36,707
I wasn't the one jerkin'...
445
00:15:36,707 --> 00:15:38,809
(electricity zapping)
446
00:15:40,544 --> 00:15:43,647
447
00:15:43,647 --> 00:15:46,316
Blob, blob, blob, blob, blob.
448
00:15:46,316 --> 00:15:47,517
Blob?
449
00:15:47,517 --> 00:15:48,985
Oh, man, there was a job for you!
450
00:15:48,985 --> 00:15:50,954
I gotta stop misunderestimating you, pal!
451
00:15:50,954 --> 00:15:52,389
That's okay.
452
00:15:52,389 --> 00:15:54,391
Don't do it again, bye!
453
00:15:54,391 --> 00:15:55,559
You... you're just like,
454
00:15:55,559 --> 00:15:57,394
worth your weight in gold!
455
00:15:57,394 --> 00:16:01,394
456
00:16:03,633 --> 00:16:05,469
I've never jerked off in here before!
457
00:16:05,469 --> 00:16:07,337
You take it out, I take it off!
458
00:16:07,337 --> 00:16:09,506
Yo, this is the spot, Pac.
459
00:16:09,506 --> 00:16:11,575
Where, right here?
460
00:16:11,575 --> 00:16:14,311
Okay, that's the spot. Go, go, go.
461
00:16:14,311 --> 00:16:15,612
Oh, this thing isn't gonna work.
462
00:16:15,612 --> 00:16:16,747
We're gonna need a jackhammer or something.
463
00:16:16,747 --> 00:16:17,814
What?
464
00:16:17,814 --> 00:16:18,782
You give me the hammer.
465
00:16:18,782 --> 00:16:20,016
I'll provide the jack.
466
00:16:20,016 --> 00:16:21,752
Nice.
467
00:16:21,752 --> 00:16:22,686
(spitting)
468
00:16:22,686 --> 00:16:23,820
Courtesy.
469
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:25,422
(pounding furiously)
470
00:16:25,422 --> 00:16:26,723
Yeah, go Carl!
471
00:16:26,723 --> 00:16:28,024
Oh, yes!
472
00:16:28,024 --> 00:16:29,392
Slow it down a bit,
473
00:16:29,392 --> 00:16:30,861
find the sweet spot.
474
00:16:30,861 --> 00:16:31,962
Yes!
475
00:16:31,962 --> 00:16:33,597
Ye-es, Carl.
476
00:16:33,597 --> 00:16:35,532
(creaking open)
477
00:16:35,532 --> 00:16:37,968
Oh, God! Oh, dude.
478
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:39,703
Oh, your dead body stinks so bad.
479
00:16:39,703 --> 00:16:41,538
Oh sure, blame the dead guy,
480
00:16:41,538 --> 00:16:43,573
not all the cabbage we have down there.
481
00:16:43,573 --> 00:16:45,675
Who brings cabbage into a bunker?
482
00:16:45,675 --> 00:16:47,944
(groaning)
483
00:16:47,944 --> 00:16:49,446
Tyson, check it out. Is it bleeding?
484
00:16:49,446 --> 00:16:51,481
AOL 1000 free hours?
485
00:16:51,481 --> 00:16:53,717
I haven't seen one of these since...
486
00:16:53,717 --> 00:16:54,818
Hey, what the fuck?
487
00:16:54,818 --> 00:16:56,353
Ow, ow!
488
00:16:56,353 --> 00:16:57,954
(shouting)
489
00:16:57,954 --> 00:16:58,955
Stop, hey, ow!
490
00:16:58,955 --> 00:17:00,624
You're killing us!
491
00:17:00,624 --> 00:17:01,858
We're here to help, we're here to help.
492
00:17:01,858 --> 00:17:04,261
Stop, stop throwing CD-ROMs at us!
493
00:17:04,261 --> 00:17:05,762
- Ha!
- Slap bracelets.
494
00:17:05,762 --> 00:17:08,765
(grunting)
495
00:17:08,765 --> 00:17:10,667
Ahh, I've been struck!
496
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:12,402
Ahh!
497
00:17:12,402 --> 00:17:13,703
Ah, oh, this hurts.
498
00:17:13,703 --> 00:17:14,704
Oh, this hurts!
499
00:17:14,704 --> 00:17:15,839
Man, do something!
500
00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:16,973
- What!
- I can't breathe.
501
00:17:16,973 --> 00:17:18,475
I can breathe but it hurts.
502
00:17:18,475 --> 00:17:19,643
Easy, pretty girl.
503
00:17:19,643 --> 00:17:21,011
Eaaasy. Easy.
504
00:17:21,011 --> 00:17:24,314
(shouting)
505
00:17:24,314 --> 00:17:25,715
The pressure's so high,
506
00:17:25,715 --> 00:17:26,950
she must have pumped that thing
507
00:17:26,950 --> 00:17:28,518
fifty times!
508
00:17:28,518 --> 00:17:29,653
Tyson, go get her, man!
509
00:17:29,653 --> 00:17:30,620
All right, all right!
510
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:31,721
Don't worry,
511
00:17:31,721 --> 00:17:33,256
we're not here to hurt you.
512
00:17:33,256 --> 00:17:34,791
We're not here to hurt you, it's okay.
513
00:17:34,791 --> 00:17:36,459
What the hell is she doin'?
514
00:17:36,459 --> 00:17:37,961
- Woah!
- Oh, no. Tyson's down.
515
00:17:37,961 --> 00:17:39,496
That was our last line of defense.
516
00:17:39,496 --> 00:17:40,864
Oh, this has gone so badly.
517
00:17:40,864 --> 00:17:42,532
What do you robots want?
518
00:17:42,532 --> 00:17:43,834
We're not robots!
519
00:17:43,834 --> 00:17:45,468
Zombies!
520
00:17:45,468 --> 00:17:46,636
Ah!
521
00:17:46,636 --> 00:17:48,471
You'll never take me alive.
522
00:17:48,471 --> 00:17:50,340
Oh, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, stop!
523
00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:52,309
Stop, stop, okay?
524
00:17:52,309 --> 00:17:54,010
Jason sent us.
525
00:17:54,010 --> 00:17:55,979
Jason's dead!
526
00:17:55,979 --> 00:17:58,949
And no, you cannot have his brains.
527
00:17:59,009 --> 00:18:01,044
We don't want his brains, okay?
528
00:18:01,044 --> 00:18:02,679
We're not zombies,
529
00:18:02,679 --> 00:18:05,048
we're not robots, okay?
530
00:18:05,048 --> 00:18:07,050
The world didn't end in 2000.
531
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,952
Everything is perfectly normal.
532
00:18:08,952 --> 00:18:10,720
We're just here in the sperm bank
533
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,422
because your boyfriend, who's a ghost now,
534
00:18:12,422 --> 00:18:13,823
spoke to me because I'm a medium,
535
00:18:13,823 --> 00:18:15,392
and he asked me to get you out of there,
536
00:18:15,392 --> 00:18:16,793
so I assembled this rag-tag group
537
00:18:16,793 --> 00:18:18,628
of masturbators and drug dealers
538
00:18:18,628 --> 00:18:19,996
to help me, that's it.
539
00:18:19,996 --> 00:18:21,464
Simple.
540
00:18:21,464 --> 00:18:24,501
I want proof you can talk to Jason.
541
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:27,070
What was our last argument about?
542
00:18:27,070 --> 00:18:28,638
Oh, yo, I know this.
543
00:18:28,638 --> 00:18:30,073
Which "Friends" star would go on
544
00:18:30,073 --> 00:18:31,441
to have the biggest career
545
00:18:31,441 --> 00:18:33,476
if the world didn't end.
546
00:18:33,476 --> 00:18:35,845
I... I said Schwimmer.
547
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,480
You picked Schwimmer?
548
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,748
Jason!
549
00:18:38,748 --> 00:18:42,385
It's really you!
550
00:18:42,385 --> 00:18:45,355
Oh, no.
551
00:18:45,355 --> 00:18:46,690
I can't leave this bunker.
552
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:47,891
Come on! Why now?
553
00:18:47,891 --> 00:18:49,125
Wh... wh... why?
554
00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:51,428
I have been down there for 14 years
555
00:18:51,428 --> 00:18:53,063
waiting for the world to end.
556
00:18:53,063 --> 00:18:54,431
Everybody's gonna think
557
00:18:54,431 --> 00:18:56,599
I'm a total airhead!
558
00:18:56,599 --> 00:18:58,401
I'll be famous for being retarded!
559
00:18:58,401 --> 00:18:59,436
No, no, no, no, the world is
560
00:18:59,436 --> 00:19:00,737
a very different place now.
561
00:19:00,737 --> 00:19:01,972
Being famous for being retarded
562
00:19:01,972 --> 00:19:03,506
is like the best kind of fame.
563
00:19:03,506 --> 00:19:04,507
And also, you can't really
564
00:19:04,507 --> 00:19:05,709
say retarded anymore.
565
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:07,410
Yeah, which is totally retarded.
566
00:19:07,410 --> 00:19:08,478
Pac is right.
567
00:19:08,478 --> 00:19:09,612
Our biggest celebrity
568
00:19:09,612 --> 00:19:11,514
is a big-assed Armenian bitch
569
00:19:11,514 --> 00:19:12,682
who made a sex tape
570
00:19:12,682 --> 00:19:14,718
with a low-level R&B singer.
571
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,753
And that whore made millions.
572
00:19:16,753 --> 00:19:19,589
Believe me, as a former reality TV star,
573
00:19:19,589 --> 00:19:22,492
America loves idiots.
574
00:19:22,492 --> 00:19:26,496
So, the world is fine,
575
00:19:26,496 --> 00:19:29,966
and I'm gonna be a rich and famous idiot?
576
00:19:29,966 --> 00:19:32,102
Yes! Nailed it.
577
00:19:32,102 --> 00:19:33,470
Gnarly!
578
00:19:33,470 --> 00:19:34,571
Yeah!
579
00:19:34,571 --> 00:19:35,805
- I'm in!
- All right!
580
00:19:35,805 --> 00:19:37,374
Yo, thank you, Pac.
581
00:19:37,374 --> 00:19:39,042
You the bomb, son!
582
00:19:39,042 --> 00:19:41,878
583
00:19:41,878 --> 00:19:43,880
Don't let your boys bang my girl!
584
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,782
No promises!
585
00:19:45,782 --> 00:19:47,017
- (alarm blaring)
- Oh, my god!
586
00:19:47,017 --> 00:19:49,686
Everybody ejaculate the building!
587
00:19:49,686 --> 00:19:51,321
Come on, go! Go, go, go, go!
588
00:19:51,321 --> 00:19:53,823
- Carl?
- Leave me!
589
00:19:53,823 --> 00:19:55,392
Leave me!
590
00:19:55,392 --> 00:19:57,527
Oh, so gross!
591
00:19:57,527 --> 00:20:01,527
592
00:20:07,837 --> 00:20:10,440
(screaming)
593
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:11,674
Leave me!
594
00:20:11,674 --> 00:20:12,742
595
00:20:12,742 --> 00:20:13,943
Leave me!
596
00:20:13,943 --> 00:20:17,580
597
00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:19,416
Leave me.
598
00:20:19,416 --> 00:20:21,518
Leave me!
599
00:20:27,550 --> 00:20:30,553
600
00:20:30,553 --> 00:20:33,189
And here's your copy
of the backsies receipt.
601
00:20:33,189 --> 00:20:34,590
So, who was the ghost?
602
00:20:34,590 --> 00:20:36,626
Oh, just some homeslice named Jason.
603
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:39,028
Breaking news out of
the Williamsburg branch
604
00:20:39,028 --> 00:20:41,063
of Fidelity Sperm United!
605
00:20:41,063 --> 00:20:42,231
Sources confirm the woman
606
00:20:42,231 --> 00:20:43,466
found late last night
607
00:20:43,466 --> 00:20:46,002
was 33-year-old Samantha Cherry,
608
00:20:46,002 --> 00:20:49,305
who had been missing
since New Year's Eve 1999
609
00:20:49,305 --> 00:20:50,906
and presumed dead.
610
00:20:50,906 --> 00:20:52,908
Local officials say security guard
611
00:20:52,908 --> 00:20:54,543
Jeffrey Hale found the woman
612
00:20:54,543 --> 00:20:55,978
in an underground bunker
613
00:20:55,978 --> 00:20:57,213
she had been living in
614
00:20:57,213 --> 00:20:59,281
for almost fourteen years.
615
00:20:59,281 --> 00:21:01,350
A noteworthy addendum to the story:
616
00:21:01,350 --> 00:21:02,485
Camomile White,
617
00:21:02,485 --> 00:21:04,086
of the popular reality show,
618
00:21:04,086 --> 00:21:05,588
Midtown Manhattan Medium,
619
00:21:05,588 --> 00:21:07,223
was the reason officials originally
620
00:21:07,223 --> 00:21:11,193
called off the search for
Miss Cherry in early 2004.
621
00:21:11,193 --> 00:21:17,266
Your daughter, Samantha, isn't missing.
622
00:21:17,266 --> 00:21:18,501
She's dead.
623
00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:20,302
Ms. White gained national attention
624
00:21:20,302 --> 00:21:21,570
when she claimed to have channeled
625
00:21:21,570 --> 00:21:22,905
Miss Cherry's ghost,
626
00:21:22,905 --> 00:21:24,106
communicating to her parents
627
00:21:24,106 --> 00:21:25,809
that Samantha was indeed dead
628
00:21:25,841 --> 00:21:27,109
and at peace.
629
00:21:27,109 --> 00:21:29,111
Distraught over her daughter's death,
630
00:21:29,111 --> 00:21:32,648
Samantha's mother committed
suicide two months later.
631
00:21:32,648 --> 00:21:34,083
One thing is certain:
632
00:21:34,083 --> 00:21:37,620
I would not want to be
Camomile White today.
633
00:21:37,620 --> 00:21:39,188
Up next: Tina,
634
00:21:39,188 --> 00:21:41,090
the story of how a cat
635
00:21:41,090 --> 00:21:43,526
became friends with a porcupine.
636
00:21:43,526 --> 00:21:46,526
637
00:21:46,527 --> 00:21:51,527
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
638
00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:56,127
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