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1
00:00:03,860 --> 00:00:04,890
- Morning!
- Agh!
2
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,830
What are you doing? Feels like
you're giving me a heart attack.
3
00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,990
Don't worry.
4
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,230
- Get off.
- All right, sorry.
5
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,880
You looked so weird, I thought
I'd better try and help.
6
00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:24,080
You normally only do a heart massage
if the patient is unconscious.
7
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,310
Anyway, what you doing here at 6.47...
8
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,550
.. and 18 seconds?
9
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,150
You promise you won't tell anyone?
10
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,070
I can't promise that, no. It
would be entirely unprofessional.
11
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,790
OK, well, just not Denise then.
12
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,990
I stayed on late last night
trying to track the files.
13
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,030
The missing ones that
should've been digitized.
14
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,310
I know you all blame me.
15
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,430
No. No, no, everyone,
speaks very highly of you.
16
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:48,480
Well, anyway, it got really
late, so I went to sleep.
17
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,710
- Please don't... - Oh!
- You OK? Feeling faint again?
18
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,760
I'm presuming you don't carry
a tooth brush, or tooth paste?
19
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,950
I suggest you head to the
chemist and get some.
20
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,720
Maybe pick up some deodorant
while you're there.
21
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:09,270
I can't find my other shoe.
22
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,790
Puppy's basket?
23
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,190
- Checked.
- Under the bed?
24
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,590
- Checked.
- Wardrobe?
25
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,990
- Haven't checked. - Right, we'll
look for that in a minute, OK?
26
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:16,970
Have some fruit.
27
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,510
Mum, the dog pooed on my coat again!
28
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:21,670
Wear your old coat.
29
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,550
That is SO last season!
30
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,310
Oh, what a terrible choice...
31
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,070
Coat with poo looks nice, coat without
poo -- ooh! -- not fashionable.
32
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,070
Get some fruit, all right?
It's nearly time to go.
33
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,950
Ooh, that's my boss.
34
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,470
- 'Good morning.
- Morning. So, Mrs Donnelly...
35
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,190
- Ms Donnelly.
- Sorry, Ms Donnelly.
36
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,550
With Brexit...
37
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:45,390
Morning!
38
00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,350
Morning, Al. Fancy a coffee?
39
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,710
How are your powers of observation, Nat?
40
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,910
And how's the hunt for the
missing files going on?
41
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,670
They're not on top of your head, are they?
42
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,630
Oh, I'll go and put the kettle on.
43
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,150
And how are you powers of observation, Al?
44
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,910
You tell her.
45
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,310
I don't want to be attacked
by Mimi for looking at a woman
46
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,030
from the neck down.
47
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,390
Fucking hell and massive bollocks.
48
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,710
Has anyone seen Sunshine TV this morning?
49
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,510
Or as I like to call it, Shitshine.
50
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,270
Denise was on talking about the effects
of Brexit on the social care budget.
51
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,230
Oh, no. That's not good for morning TV,
52
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,630
it'll put everyone back to sleep.
53
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,630
No, well, they asked her about
abuse at the local football club
54
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:28,990
and she just froze.
55
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:31,750
Oh, well, that's not like
the cold-hearted old witch.
56
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,150
Hey, now, come on, now.
That's not very nice.
57
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,650
I wouldn't say she was old.
58
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,350
Nat, where's your skirt?
59
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:41,400
Agh! I forgot to put it on!
60
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,310
Oh, no, everyone's seen
my knick-knocks! Ohhh!
61
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,110
Not really fair to
blindside Denise like that.
62
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,230
First we heard about that case was when
that bloke came in a few weeks ago,
63
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,670
none of the staff that he
accused are still working there,
64
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:55,790
so it's a police matter.
65
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:59,790
That said, let's have a look at the
Boudicca of suburbia's brain freeze
66
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,110
before she gets here...
67
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:03,950
There we are.
68
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,190
Here we go. Oh!
69
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,470
'A case has resurfaced in the last week,
70
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,390
a historic abuse case at
the local football club.
71
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,230
- Sorry?
- Er, Elm Heath Strollers.
72
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,430
I understand you had a complaint
about this in the '80s.
73
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,270
This isn't going to look suspicious
at all, is it, if Denise arrives?
74
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,510
Tell you what, Mimi,
you keep a lookout, OK?
75
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,190
If she arrives, keep her talking.
76
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:25,190
Yes, Rose, I don't think that's
a very appropriate task for...
77
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:26,510
Oh, there she is!
78
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,190
The alleged victim has come
to us with information.
79
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,350
She's coming.
80
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,830
Go on, then, Mimi. Go on!
81
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,030
.. historic abuse would be dealt
with by police and not by...
82
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,350
- Now it sounds like you're
passing the buck. - Eh...
83
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,150
Good gracious!
84
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,870
- Ms Donnelly?
- Come on, crank it up, old girl.
85
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,150
Oh...
86
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,110
I think that's what we call brain freeze.
87
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:52,160
Ohhhhh!
88
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,990
Denise, we need to fight toilet tyranny.
89
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,190
What are you going on about?
90
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,270
The toilets, they need to be torn
down and replaced with gender-fluid,
91
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,790
- non-binary, intersex, androgynous...
- I can't hear myself think!
92
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,840
Just piss off.
93
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,750
- Morning... Morning, Denise.
- Morning, Denise!
94
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,150
Strategy meeting in five.
95
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,390
Buckling under the pressure of
celebrity a little early, I think.
96
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,270
You all right?
97
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,470
Yes...
98
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:18,950
I'm fine, I suppose, but...
99
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,830
They look like lovers.
100
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,670
Maybe you're reading too much chick-lit.
101
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,350
Chocolate? Who said chocolate?
I haven't had any breakfast.
102
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,190
Chick-lit. Oh, that reminds me,
103
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,950
I've got an interview later
at the university library.
104
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,430
So, will you cover for
me, please? Thank you.
105
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,750
You can't work in a university library.
106
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,110
- Why not? - Well, cos you'll
get mistaken for some creepy,
107
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,190
mature sociology student.
108
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,590
You'll get chucked out for
harassing the freshers.
109
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,310
What is chick-lit?
110
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,030
It is modern romantic
fiction, you silly arse.
111
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,470
Well, forgive me for not being
interested in the literary fantasies
112
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,150
of desperate, middle-aged women.
113
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,950
So what's on your bedside table -- a
foot pump for your blow-up friend?
114
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,950
The police stopped me, they said
the baby needs to be in a car seat.
115
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,830
- How old is the baby?
- He's six months old.
116
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,670
I said, "He's in a car, in a seat,
117
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,030
"he's not rolling around
in the fucking boot!"
118
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,550
Right, Alastair, what is
happening with the Haimes family?
119
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,750
I saw on the log that
you got a call earlier.
120
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,390
There's a huge amount of concern
about the four-year-old, Carter,
121
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,350
who's on the child protection register.
122
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,270
We all know the father is a violent
criminal who comes and goes.
123
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,320
Nat... You put "a well-known
VIOLET criminal", Nat.
124
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,480
There's a fear that Carter has
been left alone since yesterday.
125
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,590
Or if Animal, the dad,
is there at the moment...
126
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,350
Not like Amimal from the Muppets?
127
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,590
Not... It's not like the Muppets, no.
128
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,510
It's a totally different Animal.
129
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:45,350
Don't put Muppets in the minutes, Nat.
130
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,510
I'm going over there and I...
131
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,670
.. I have coordinated the
visit and done all the safety
132
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,310
and achievability stuff
with the plod, so...
133
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,590
So professional, right
up to the last word.
134
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,550
- Would you like me to go, Al?
- Go where?
135
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,110
- Could think of a few places.
- With you, to the assignment.
136
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,670
Because I've got a meeting with Zach nearby,
and I thought with my police experience...
137
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,910
Thanks, but I've got a little
more experience than you.
138
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,190
I can probably manage.
139
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,910
You stick with Zach, you can
cope with that, can't you?
140
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,630
- Lunch? - How about a candlelit
dinner for two somewhere?
141
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,680
Tete-a-tete, then back to
Al's place for a... jigsaw.
142
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,910
Cos we're in the same area, so...
143
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,950
.. we could just grab a coffee, or...
144
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,390
Dignity, Nitin. Face it,
he's just not that into you.
145
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:26,750
Children, please!
146
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,800
Rose, we'd all very much like to
hear about how you are getting on.
147
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,470
Are you going to court later today?
148
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,510
- No, why? - Your clothes
haven't got any food on them.
149
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,150
It's a rare sight.
150
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,990
Now, how are the Wilton clan progressing
since we found out a little bit more
151
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,790
- about Jen Wilton and her new boyfriend
that she met online? - I'm sorry, I didn't...
152
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,190
Oh, Rose, please do not tell me that
you're not up to date with your own cases.
153
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,310
Give her a break, we all have
brain freeze from time to time.
154
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:58,360
I beg your pardon, Alastair?
155
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:03,040
I'm just saying, that Green Party leader, Natalie
Bennett, she had it on the radio when she...
156
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,710
Yeah. That was funny, wasn't it,
157
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,760
cos she goes on about global
warming and yet her brain froze.
158
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,950
Are you talking about me
on Sunshine this morning?
159
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,070
Sunshine? What's Sunshine?
160
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,750
I don't know what you're talking
about, I listen to Radio 4.
161
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,470
Anyone?
162
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,870
Dunno.
163
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,990
Yeah, actually, Rose came in
and told everyone about it.
164
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,910
Hang on a minute!
165
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,150
- Well, you did, so...
- Can I speak to you outside, please, Rose?
166
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,830
- Martin, take over.
- Thanks.
167
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,350
Um, OK. Er, right.
168
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,590
Oh, I forgot, Ingrid's
calling in on Skype.
169
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,190
Ah, yes, yes.
170
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,710
Hello, hello, Ingrid.
171
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,870
I just wanted to apologise for not
getting into work this morning.
172
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,790
Limahl's been school-refusing.
173
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,630
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
174
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,680
Yes, sorry, yes. The Cafferty child
turned up drunk at school again today.
175
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,190
Erm, they had a call, er, and also,
they found a bottle of vodka...
176
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,600
.. in his bag. And he threw up
on the, on-on-on the PE teacher.
177
00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,790
Guys... Guys, can we, can we focus?
178
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,950
- Fuck! This table's gone
to fucking... - Limahl!
179
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:06,000
Right, OK... Ingrid, can you
just send it in an e-mail?
180
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,270
Send it in... Send it in an e-mail.
181
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,350
Just...
182
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,590
Guys, we...
183
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,550
You behave like a child.
184
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,590
You couldn't wait to come in
here and take the piss out of me
185
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,710
before I've even had a chance
to explain what was going on.
186
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:21,990
Look, I'm sorry,
187
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:26,040
but it looked like you just
couldn't explain what was going on.
188
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:29,030
We've all head those head-melting moments.
189
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,080
Oh, so you're subscribing to the
brain-freeze theory, are you?
190
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,310
- Ish. - Well, thank you
very much for your support.
191
00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:40,530
All right...
192
00:08:40,580 --> 00:08:41,870
Children's Services.
193
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,590
Hello? My partner and I
would like to adopt a baby...
194
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,640
Yeah, but not an ugly one.
195
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,710
Hello! Carter?
196
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,510
You in there?
197
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:56,560
Carter, can you open the door?
198
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,870
Oh, God. Carter, that's dangerous!
199
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,150
Carter, you need to put that down.
200
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,110
You'll cut yourself.
201
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:10,630
Shit.
202
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,680
Oh, Jesus, where's Plod?
203
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,350
Have you spoken to your wife?
204
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,400
Er, yeah. Er, we're talking
and no longer texting in caps.
205
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,480
And she's seeing the GP for
that thing she's got, you know?
206
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,230
Postnatal depression.
207
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,910
Mm-hm, yeah, that thing.
208
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,960
Um, she's been told to rest
a bit and do a course of CDT.
209
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,550
Craft design technology?
210
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:44,350
No, not that. That's something they used
to give the thick kids to do at school.
211
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,070
- And you're drinking?
- I've cut right down.
212
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,670
I don't start till he's asleep
213
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,710
and I don't have more
than a bottle a night.
214
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,910
That's, you know, I'm
pretty rigid on that.
215
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,070
One bottle, beer.
216
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,390
Wine.
217
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,430
- One bottle of wine is a lot.
- Bollocks.
218
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:00,990
I can have two before it affects me.
219
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,910
Look, you can't be drinking that
much alcohol around the baby.
220
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,310
He's asleep. If he wakes at night, I
will have had a few, but it's fine.
221
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,190
I don't sleep through
his crying or anything.
222
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,470
Well, I might do. I wouldn't
know. I don't think I do.
223
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,270
No, cos I wake up. It's fine. It's fine.
224
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,190
On top of all this, you
seem quite depressed.
225
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,590
Er, do you think that's got anything
to do with the fact you're in my house?
226
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,750
Being happy is, like, it's not
the natural state anyway, is it?
227
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,390
- And people who are happy all the time are
just fucking irritating, ain't they? - Yeah.
228
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,230
They're the mad ones. You know,
you have good days and bad years.
229
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,430
Ugh... Your head stinks of Monster Munch.
230
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,470
Fucking pickled onion or something!
231
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,520
Ugh!
232
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,950
Carter?
233
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,430
Carter, put the knife down.
234
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,550
I think a nanny would help if
it would give Sophie a break.
235
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,870
Yeah, but she feels guilty about a nanny.
236
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,310
Feels like it's giving up, and I
have problems with nannies because
237
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,870
mine used to hit me with a carpet beater.
238
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,070
- What? - I know, it was
horrific, I don't want to...
239
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,830
No, what's a carpet beater?
240
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,510
Oh, it's like a big woven thing.
241
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:34,270
Like a big fly swatter
that you beat carpets with.
242
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,630
Wow.
243
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,790
OK, is she still alive?
244
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,190
Because you could bring a
case against her for cruelty.
245
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,750
Yeah, but it's complicated.
246
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:45,800
She's married to my dad now.
247
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,510
OK. Can I use your loo before I go?
248
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,230
Yeah, if you have to. Sure.
249
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:56,280
Top of the stairs. Flush twice, though.
250
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:14,310
Shit.
251
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:18,190
Hello.
252
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,670
Hello.
253
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,790
- And you need to start
paying for it. - OK. Yeah.
254
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,670
You've got a job now and
I'm sick of your excuses.
255
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,070
- I'm sorry, Mum. - Pay the rent,
so you need to get it to me.
256
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,070
Yes, I realise. I owe you rent.
257
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,270
You'll have it, I promise.
258
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,070
Typical. Where's the
fucking social worker?
259
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,990
Late as usual. Do we know if there's
anyone else in there apart from the
260
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,910
- ankle-biter?
- Don't know.
261
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,070
But I checked the address,
and Animal Haimes lives here.
262
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,670
Shit!
263
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:49,870
Be careful, then.
264
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,280
Can't see a bloody thing.
265
00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:56,270
Police!
266
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,110
Get away from me!
267
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,710
Don't run away. No, come back...
268
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,230
- Stop there! - No...
- Taser, Taser, Taser!
269
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,870
- You're being Tasered!
- Ohhhh!
270
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,390
- Ohhhh!
- Hey, hey!
271
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,950
- What is going on, guys?
- Ohhhh!
272
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,550
- That groaning body on the floor
is a social worker. - Ohhhh!
273
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,830
- Well, I didn't know.
- Take your finger off the trigger.
274
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,040
- Stop electrocuting him!
- Ohhhh!
275
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:21,320
Ah!
276
00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:38,340
Hi. I work here. Can I help you?
277
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:42,780
Got an informal interview
with Claudia, uh...
278
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:49,530
- .. a stupid name.
- Funnel? - Yeah, that's it!
279
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:53,290
Hi, I'm Claudia Funnel.
280
00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:57,340
- Bad start.
- I think you already started badly.
281
00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:01,650
Let me help you out. I can
see you're upset about this.
282
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:05,050
Honestly, I couldn't, really. In
a weird way, it's patronising,
283
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,330
even though it would be
right, I think, because
284
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,530
as a white male you are
the ultimate oppressor.
285
00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:11,250
It feels unprofessional,
286
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:13,850
- despite me not having an
actual job here. - Mimi...
287
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:17,900
.. my kids aren't around at the
moment, and I miss helping them out.
288
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:22,300
So, please, let me do
this for you just the once.
289
00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:27,290
Well, OK, thanks so much, Martin.
290
00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:31,210
- How much?
- �350 a month.
291
00:14:31,260 --> 00:14:34,850
Crikey. I'm out of touch.
292
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,930
OK, well, uh, there's...
there's �100. I'll...
293
00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:41,980
I'll give you the rest first
thing tomorrow morning.
294
00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,650
- All right, Nat? - For
you. - What do you mean?
295
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:54,170
Well, you seemed to be crying
a lot and now you're not.
296
00:14:54,220 --> 00:14:56,530
I was crying because of
the continuing ascendancy
297
00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:59,650
of the patriarchy being
an anathema to my life.
298
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:03,700
Yeah, that really pisses me off too.
299
00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:07,730
Well, I'm glad the
interview was shit, because
300
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:10,610
- I don't want you to leave!
- Oh, I'm just sick of all the grimness.
301
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,250
I mean, look at today! I do my
job. All the thanks I get is to be
302
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:16,250
electrocuted and now Animal
Hames is going to be after me
303
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,450
for taking his kid into care.
304
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,450
Why do you look like such
a twat today, anyway?
305
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:25,500
- Define "twat".
- Sort of drag-queen dinner-lady look.
306
00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:29,010
Yeah, huh! '70s footballer!
307
00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:31,170
Oh, my God. You've got a date!
308
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:36,220
- Who is it? Poor bastard!
- Well... Denise...
309
00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:38,890
Denise? What's going on?
310
00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:42,810
- No, Denise has got a
brother, and it's him. - Oh.
311
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:46,850
Oh, that's weird. What's he
like, then? Denise in slacks?
312
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,870
Sort of paramilitary wing of
the Citizens Advice Bureau?
313
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:50,920
Hang on a minute.
314
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,700
- Hello, Daga. - Your mum just...
- She did what? Oh, God...
315
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:01,690
All right, I'll be there
as soon I can. OK, bye.
316
00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:04,050
Thank you. Bye.
317
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:07,530
My mum's hit the occupational
therapist with a painting.
318
00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:10,410
Oh, dear. I hope they're
not going to chuck her out.
319
00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:14,370
Well, that's what I'm worried about.
I mean, I can't have her back.
320
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:16,650
You, uh, you going out tonight?
321
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:19,730
I doubt it. I feel like
I've been hit by a truck!
322
00:16:19,780 --> 00:16:21,690
Oh!
323
00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:25,740
Sorry, Al.
324
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,330
Are you all right?
325
00:16:31,980 --> 00:16:33,530
All right, OK.
326
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:36,610
So how's things?
327
00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:40,250
Fine all the days people don't tell
me to go back to Poland or Estonia
328
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:44,290
- or Russia. Or Esperanto the other day.
- Sorry to hear that.
329
00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:47,610
I wish the Brexiteers would
exit to the four corners.
330
00:16:47,660 --> 00:16:50,250
So how's my mum been,
apart from the incident?
331
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:54,300
Well, she's been quite
destructive and angry.
332
00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:56,970
That's why she's having her
meals in her room at the moment.
333
00:16:57,020 --> 00:16:59,450
She starts a lot of arguments otherwise.
334
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,470
What?!
335
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,970
Oh, what do you want now? Oh...
336
00:17:04,020 --> 00:17:07,010
Hello, Mum. How are you?
337
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:10,970
- Nice dinner?
- Why don't you try some?
338
00:17:12,220 --> 00:17:14,330
- What did you do that for?
- Felt like it.
339
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:17,450
- Shit, I'm supposed to be going out later.
- Fuck off, then!
340
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,490
Why don't you fuck off yourself?!
341
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:23,540
- Don't! - Oh, I'm sorry. I really
shouldn't talk to my mum like that.
342
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:29,100
Well, we all want to.
343
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:32,570
School policy says no smacking,
so I gave Oliver a Chinese burn!
344
00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:35,610
- Is that all right?
- Well, I would have some concerns about that,
345
00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:38,410
- actually, yes, sir. - Oh, what,
because I said Chinese? - Look, Mason,
346
00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:40,250
there's something I need to say to you.
347
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:43,610
Prepare for bollocking,
prepare for bollocking.
348
00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:46,210
- Thanks.
- Pardon?
349
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:49,290
- Thanks.
- Yes, uh, well...
350
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:53,130
- Yeah, so fancy you pitching
up in the nick of time. - Mmm.
351
00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:55,250
Like Batman.
352
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:58,770
Anyway, I owe you one.
353
00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:01,370
Well, actually, Al...
354
00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:04,290
Are you... busy tonight?
355
00:18:04,340 --> 00:18:07,090
- Oh, that was quick. You're asking me out?
- Yeah, very funny.
356
00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:10,090
I mean, I am actually meeting
someone, but, I mean, I've met her
357
00:18:10,140 --> 00:18:12,770
a couple of times, but her sister
is in town, staying with her,
358
00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:16,170
- so I thought, maybe...
- That I'd like to go on a blind date?
359
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,370
Well, you know.
360
00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:21,690
- Actually, why not? I could
do with a drink. - Yeah? Great.
361
00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:24,130
Animal Hames is on the
warpath, so I don't want to go
362
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:26,890
- on my own, anyway.
- Oh, of course you don't.
363
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,570
- Where are you going?
- Oh, just the usual spot.
364
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:32,210
Let's go to Scenarios.
365
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:34,690
- Scenarios, the worst place on earth.
- Scenarios is great!
366
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:36,890
It's the worst-case scenario,
is what that place is.
367
00:18:36,940 --> 00:18:39,130
Oh, come on, you had such a
good time there last time.
368
00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:43,180
Yes, I got beaten up.
369
00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:58,340
Oh, there she is. I didn't see you
come in. Head for the toilet, eh?
370
00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:02,690
- Do you live in there?
- I've been in there awhile.
371
00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:06,740
- I, um, I had a slight issue.
- Oh, dicky tummy?
372
00:19:06,940 --> 00:19:09,850
- Oh, little bit of up-squirt.
- Oh, I'm not that clever.
373
00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:15,410
No, the truth is that I went
to visit my mum, and she chucked
374
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:19,090
- her dinner at me. - Ah, well,
good shot. - Well, easy target.
375
00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:22,130
I mean, it was disgusting. It
looked like gristly stew thing,
376
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:25,250
not even nice enough to lick
off, so, anyway, horrible.
377
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,130
What can I get you to drink?
378
00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:30,410
Um, vodka and lime, please.
Can you make it a large one?
379
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:34,460
- OK. A large vodka and lime, please.
- Yes, sir.
380
00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:38,290
Oh, shit, fuck!
381
00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:41,370
- Hiya. - Hi, are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm good, thank you.
382
00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:45,420
- Oh, this is my sister, Lauren.
- This is Al, a colleague from work.
383
00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:50,690
- So, this is a social worker uniform, is it?
- Well, it's slightly dictated
384
00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:52,650
by our economic bracket.
385
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,410
- By what?
- How much money we get paid.
386
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:58,130
- Oh, right. Is it not a lot?
- Also it's practicality.
387
00:19:58,180 --> 00:20:01,730
Yeah. Do you not, like, need to be,
like, out saving kids or something?
388
00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:03,850
- We've done that today, haven't we?
- We have.
389
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,530
OK, that's enough kids saved, is it?
390
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,250
I don't know what constitutes enough.
391
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:10,090
- I've saved one today. - That's really
cool, that's really great! - Yeah.
392
00:20:10,140 --> 00:20:12,450
You know that everyone thinks
social workers are useless.
393
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:16,130
Just ignore her. She thinks
that Joseph Stalin is a good man.
394
00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:19,130
- He did some good things for the trains.
- I really disagree.
395
00:20:19,180 --> 00:20:21,730
He was good. OK, I think
I've things to do.
396
00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:24,970
- Shame. - This is all I
need after a shit day.
397
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:28,810
- I don't know. She's gorgeous, though.
- Is that your only criteria?
398
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:32,860
No, they have to be clean as well.
399
00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:36,970
- You expecting an earthquake?
- I'm just trying to hide from
400
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:39,970
- two of my colleagues. They'll take the piss.
- Why, cos you're on a date
401
00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:44,020
- with such a minger? - I believe
that word passed out of common parlance
402
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:46,730
probably around about the 18th century.
403
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,810
It's a pity. I've only
just got my head round it.
404
00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:53,530
- So, you've been married before, you minger?
- Well, I'm a very recently
405
00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:57,580
divorced gentleman with an
invisible "slap me down" tattoo
406
00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:01,940
- written across my forehead.
- You're just what I'm looking for. Cheers.
407
00:21:02,140 --> 00:21:04,010
- Have I passed the test?
- You have.
408
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:06,090
There's a chubby woman
on the floor over there.
409
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,810
I don't know if she's pissed
or not. She's just on the floor.
410
00:21:08,860 --> 00:21:12,250
I mean, oh... I hate fat people!
Waddling into A&E, being like,
411
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,010
"Oh, my joints hurt!" And
they've eaten like twice
412
00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:17,330
their body weight in,
like, Haribo for breakfast.
413
00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:20,050
I don't even think the NHS should
treat them. You know, I think
414
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:23,490
- they brought it on themselves.
- They're disgusting? - Thank you. - Right.
415
00:21:23,540 --> 00:21:26,250
Can we go? I just can't face them tonight.
416
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:28,290
They're such massive piss-takers!
417
00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:29,450
I just don't want to
418
00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:33,500
spend the night parrying the
blows from my work colleagues!
419
00:21:33,780 --> 00:21:36,410
- You need to stop talking about
fat people all the time. - Why?
420
00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,890
You all right, Nitin? You seem to
have metamorphosed into Katie Hopkins.
421
00:21:39,940 --> 00:21:42,410
Uh, don't ever tell Rose I
said something like that.
422
00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:45,970
- She'll kill me. - I'll kill you for
bringing me on a date with a UKIP pin-up.
423
00:21:46,020 --> 00:21:47,650
I'm going out for a fag.
424
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:48,890
I mean, Al's the worst.
425
00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:51,810
He's going to take the piss
out of me for ever over this.
426
00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:55,860
- Hey, Rose. - Bugger.
- Dennis, I presume?
427
00:21:56,340 --> 00:21:59,850
Nice to meet you.
428
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:03,570
Oh, shit. Animal Hames has just
spotted you. Run, run, run!
429
00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:06,690
Very funny. Rose is pretending
there's a gangster behind me
430
00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:09,650
because she's determined not
to let me meet you properly.
431
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:13,700
- Oh! - You fucking piece of shit!
I'll kill you! Where's Carter?!
432
00:22:18,940 --> 00:22:22,810
Thanks, buddy! You just
knocked out Animal Hames.
433
00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:25,410
I should introduce you to my ex-husband.
434
00:22:25,460 --> 00:22:27,610
We should probably go
before he comes round.
435
00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:30,210
- If he does, I'll just hit him again.
- You know, I didn't even hit him
436
00:22:30,260 --> 00:22:33,410
and I'm thinking about
living under an assumed name.
437
00:22:33,460 --> 00:22:35,810
I've got to go. There's a family crisis.
438
00:22:35,860 --> 00:22:39,090
- Denise? - Yeah, she's having trouble
with a very persistent stalker.
439
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:41,410
Oh, so you're going to
go and help sort him out?
440
00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:45,290
- Yeah. Her. Got to rush. See ya!
- What was that?
441
00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:49,170
- Did he just say "her"?
- I heard "her". Should we go
442
00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:51,770
and get a vodka and lime at
another establishment, chubby?
443
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:54,250
- Beg your pardon?
- I'll tell you about it on the way.
444
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:58,090
- What about your date?
- I'll pass. She's marginally to the right
445
00:22:58,140 --> 00:22:59,370
- of the Hitler Youth.
- Mm.
446
00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:01,930
How can you hate social
workers? He looks really nice!
447
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:04,130
No, look at him! Look,
he's wearing anorak!
448
00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:08,180
? People, they ain't no good
449
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:13,900
? I think that's well understood
450
00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:21,100
? You can see it everywhere you look
451
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:27,500
? People just ain't no good at all. ?
452
00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:32,100
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