All language subtitles for Damned s01e06xxx

Ten, nine, eight...

You've been underperforming
for too long. That stops today.

Seven, six...

five...

Close down another 50 cases or else.

..four...

three... Denise, I can't...

Tardiness will not be tolerated.

..two... My code isn't working
so I can't open the door.

..one. Time's up.

Both of you, that's a disciplinary.

Look, Denise, I was there
with 11 seconds to spare,

I don't know if you saw me.

But code's not working,
so could you let me off once? Nope.

Don't take it, Nit,
she won't respect you.

Just think of her as an
unforgiving lover.

God...

Right, I'm reviewing
everyone's caseload.

I need updates with a view to
closing the case on the Hortons NAI,

the 45-day assessment period is up.

The Millwoods foster kid
who keyed every car in his road,

has he been reallocated?

And where is the background check
on Jerry Donagh?

Oh, I've done that, I've done that.

Erm, yes, he's changed his name,
but he's definitely the same

children's entertainer who called
that four-year-old a cunt.

No-one leaves before 6pm.

There will be a headcount
at the end of the day. Questions.

Oh, yes, erm...

Ingrid, welcome back.
I trust you've made a full recovery.

Well, yes, but I think I may have
just ruptured my stitches, so...

I'm, um... Natalie, make Ingrid
a cup of tea, would you, please?

No, I should just get straight
to HR. I think it's...

It's, erm, it's not good.

Everyone else, work.

You've got until six o'clock.

Oh, shit. Why is she bringing
the hammer down today?

I was planning to get away
at lunchtime

and get the Eurostar with Caitlin.

Look, we'll have to revert to those
sort of primary school tactics,

you know, where you splash your
forehead with hot water

and then you've got a temperature.

Still, I bet she's got
a thermometer.

Yeah, an anal one, like some sort of
medieval torture spike.

Hey, speaking of medieval,
how's Lee?

Well, rather unexpectedly,

he's agreed to take my mum
to the GP today.

She's a bit out of control at home
and I can't really cope.

Oh, I think that's very nice of him.
It's not like Audrey's HIS mum.

Don't say positive things about him,
I forbid it.

So, Denise wants to see us all
at the end of the day.

I just hope I haven't screwed it up

because I really smelt
a promotion there.

Al... And I can smell your
aftershave. Jesus, what is it?

Fly spray?

Answer your bloody phone, Al!
It's not bloody ringing, Nat.

Oh, shit, sorry.
PHONE RINGS

Hello? Al Kavanagh speaking.

'This is about a baby in
Superbrands.' Oh, right.

Is it the same baby that was on top
of a bus shelter last September?

'Yeah, that's right.'

Now it's in the crisp section
of Superbrands.

I've got an actual job to do,
please don't waste my time. Cheerio.

There's been a baby left in
a supermarket,

are you seriously not going
to do anything?

Nat, it's so obviously a prank call.

You just get a feel for which
ones are genuine.

We get loads of calls
about that baby.

It's been so many places -
it's been in the floral display

at the roundabout,
up a tree in the park,

and it was in the changing rooms
at the swimming pool.

Maybe that's where we could house
some of my Syrian family.

Those poor Ghorani kids,
haven't you got them anywhere yet?

Al, on that note,
the one that says he's 12,

he's actually 5'10"
with a moustache.

As he's an orphaned refugee, Nitin,
he doesn't have any paperwork,

so we kind of have to take
his word for it.

Anyway, it's bum fluff. Well, as
long as you're sure about the baby.

It sounded real to me.
What sounded real?

The call about
the abandoned baby in Superbrands.

Denise, it's so obviously a prank.
Just get down there.

Why don't I ring first?

Cos Al's quite poorly, actually,

and if he gets iller I can
cover for him.

No, Al looks perfectly all right.

I can't risk you being stuck in
a queue for half an hour

while someone steals an infant.

Take Nitin with you, and if there is
a baby, I'll alert the police.

Get your coat, Nitin, we're going
baby hunting in Superbrands.

'Mate, I was expecting
that safe-dialling report

'five weeks ago.'

Thanks for trying to get my back.
Want some coffee? No, ta.

Despite the fact I've got 29 more
important things to do,

I've got to go baby hunting
with Nitin,

so I thought I'd take
a packed lunch.

Although, to be perfectly honest,
there's nothing in here that

would encourage someone that didn't
want to get salmonella.

Lunch? It's quarter past nine.

Elevenses, then.
Got to keep my strength up.

How are you feeling? Hmm?
How are you feeling?

LOUDLY: Oh, erm, I'm a bit ill and
I've got a terrible headache.

Oh, dear, sounds like
someone's suffering.

LOUDER: Poor you, Al.

(Wanting to get away
for the weekend, are you?)

Well, the walls have got very big
ears, you know. Yeah.

Bit like me, Al.

Poor old Martin.
You know, I can't stand it

that Denise has let that thing
go on so long.

I can't stand Denise. Anyway,
where are you taking Caitlin?

Paris. Oh!

Lee and I went to Lille because it
was nearer and it was cheaper.

Actually, fuck all that.
Got pissed, had a row, came home.

Look, why can't you just ask Denise
as a favour

to let you off a bit early?

Because you have to be seeing
the white light at the tunnel's end

before she'll even consider it.

Do you know, recently she's gone
from benevolent dictator

to Kim Jong-un.

Which one's that?
Looks like Michael McIntyre.

Oh.

What if Denise says no? I've got
nowhere to go, then, have I?

I can't say,
"Oh, it seems your refusal

"has brought on a vicious migraine."
PHONE BLEEPS

Shit, it's the crisis centre.

God, if I don't sort out something
with those Syrian kids

I'm going nowhere.

Wonder if Denise has got
a spare room.

No, I think that's been turned
into an S&M dungeon

for the local councillors.

Rose! What?

You told me to put my coat on
20 minutes ago.

That's because I like to see a man
shin-deep in nylon.

All right, listen, I'm coming
baby hunting, OK? Hang on.

DOOR BLEEPS

Come on, then, let's go.

What's the code? I'll do it.

DOOR BLEEPS
That was the same as before

so what's happened...?
Come on, come on!

HE MUTTERS

Hello, can I help? Yeah,
just here to see Denise Donnelly.

Your name, please.
It's Daisy Ronson.

Take a seat, I'll check she's free.

Look, I've got to get a few
bits and pieces.

Don't grass me up to Denise.
It's very inappropriate, Rose.

You shouldn't be wandering off
to other areas of the supermarket,

we've got to stick to the aisle
where the abandoned baby is.

The imaginary abandoned baby,
you mean.

If I go to that aisle,
all I can get is

a bumper variety pack of Walkers
crisps for the kids' tea.

No change there, then.

Was that a joke, Nitin?

I prefer to think of it as bants.

Take it easy, you don't want
to shoot your load

too early on in the day.

So, how would you feel about being
on the sex offenders' register?

Please, no!

You, a professional employed in good
faith by the local authority,

appear to be in some sort of
relationship with a pupil - my son.

I mean, if this is true,

it's a gross dereliction of your
duty and an indictable offence.

But in fairness to you,

I'm giving you the opportunity to
explain yourself before I put

in motion a series of events which
will most certainly ruin

your career,
quite possibly your life.

So the floor is yours.

We exchanged some text messages
and met once outside school.

I swear to you I didn't
sleep with him.

Please, you've got to believe me!

I've been in social work for
30 years, I don't believe anyone.

I'm telling the truth!

I know I've been monumentally
stupid, but please,

please give me a chance.

Consider yourself lucky,
Miss Ronson.

On this occasion,
I will not inform the police.

But if you ever go near
my son again,

I will see you in prison.

Get out.

Wait! Give me your phone.

"Dear Daniel,

"I have been diagnosed with
genital herpes. Daisy."

Send.

That is an abuse of trust and power.

Well, that makes two of us, then.

You know what?

I think he just needed an adult in
his life who would listen to him.

Rose, I just wanted to say that if
I do get a promotion,

I don't want it to affect
our friendship.

You're not getting
a promotion and we're not friends.

Yes, Caitlin. A cringing,
pathetic, boot-licking toady.

That's a very accurate description
on occasion. 'Yes, it is.'

But then again, you don't have to
ask your boss's permission

to go on a mini-break, do you? So...

'No, it's just...' I'll be there.
'OK now.' OK?

PHONE BLEEPS

Come.

HE COUGHS

You wanted to see me.

Yes, Alastair.

I didn't want to put this into
an e-mail for various reasons...

HE SHIVERS
It's not that cold in here, is it?

Perhaps you should wear a vest.

I'm sick.

I'm ill.

My glands are all up.

I used to be St John Ambulance,
you know. Oh.

HE SPLUTTERS

Um, you're not hot.

Look, give it a couple of hours.
If you're no better...

I'll shoot off home to bed.

..take an aspirin.

The reason I called you in was to
mention the incident

at Glenway School.
The suspected child abuse.

Well, yeah, I wouldn't go that far,
but anyway, it's dealt with.

But what exactly...?

I'm not opening it
to the floor for questions, OK?

Do I make myself clear?

Right, well,
while we're sharing confidences,

perhaps I should make MYSELF clear
and tell you that most of us

are aware of the GP letter about
a certain colleague that

you mislaid and we are hoping that
you will act on its contents.

Cheerio.

HE COUGHS

Cornflour, cornflour.
That's where I'm pointing.

Look, hey, Lee, hang on, you're
breaking up, you're breaking up.

Rose, do you think maybe you're
forgetting something?

I don't know, like what?
Chocolate, Nobby's Nuts?

No, it's one word,
it's very important.

Piss off. That's two.
I'll go find the baby.

'..E-mail, my phone...'

Lee, I don't really want to hear
this at the moment. I'm busy, OK?

'Rose, what are you wearing?'
What am I wearing?

We were together for 17 years
and you choose this moment

to try phone sex?

It's all right,
I know what you're wearing -

that scarf that makes you
look like Axl Rose.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Where's Mum? Right, I don't want you
to get angry, all right?

I took Audrey to the GP but I forgot
the list of questions you

wanted me to ask, so when I got in
there I didn't know what to say.

She's the one that's meant to have
Alzheimer's, you dozy twat.

What's the fucking point of you?
I'm doing the family shop!

Just go back to the GP and wait
there till you're seen.

More fun living in that
caravan park.

Missed!

Baby's not by the crisps.

Well, you could have got me
some prawn cocktail.

And it's a prank baby.

There's the prank baby.

Oh, shit.

Hey. It wasn't a prank!

Well done, Nat, you're an
instinctive social worker.

Really? No.

Right, where's the boss lady?

I'm calling an emergency
strat meeting.

Nitin, get the paperwork going.
Court order.

No, you do it, cos I've got
the baby. Let Nat have the baby.

No, cos he likes me.

Actually, yeah, you're all right.

I think he needs a nappy change.

NOSE-BLOWING

Please, Alastair,
I can't hear myself think.

Lemony beverage, Al? Oh, thanks.
You're a life-saver, Martin.

Could I have a quadruple shot latte,
please?

Actually, erm, Natalie,
you can sort the coffees for today,

can't you, dear? You sit down.

Erm, OK. What about my minutes?

Some might say that no minutes are
better than your minutes, Nat.

Oh, thanks, Al.

I'm happy to take the minutes.

Right, emergency measures -

we have an abandoned baby
on the premises.

SHE WHIMPERS
Fine.

It's probably
a young mum who can't cope

and has decided to leave it here
to be cared for.

It could just be a mum's
what they call nappy brain

who's forgotten she's got a baby.

It's quite common, I think,
because of sleep deprivation.

Well, I don't subscribe to
that theory. I managed.

Well, I didn't.

I drove once with the baby in
the car seat on the roof of the car.

Was it OK? No, it fell off into
the path of a school bus.

Oh, God, how awful! Sorry, Rose.

Nat, it's a joke.

Did you honestly think I'd still be
a social worker if I'd done that?

ALL: Yes.

Can we please get back to
dealing with the baby issue?

Paediatrician's report?

INGRID WHIMPERS
Ingrid, you all right?

Well, it's just that the constant
mention of babies and children is...

I'm finding a bit challenging.
You picked the wrong job, love.

Bit insensitive. She's just had
all her gear whipped out.

Nat!

I'm fine.

Ingrid, you're clearly not fine.
What did HR say?

Well, no, they did recommend that
I take further time off,

but I was absolutely adamant
because you need me here,

so if I could just get a couple
of physical needs met,

then I will be fine.

Such as?
AL: Here we go.

A robotic back support and, erm,

if I could have nobody
working to my left

because that's not good, so...

Why don't you just go home
and I will talk to HR?

Alastair, you'll have to stay late
to wrap up her caseload.

What?!

Al, let me know if I can be of
any assistance.

She's already got a memory foam
cushion, a green screen,

a special bit of floor,
she won't go on a client visit

that's more than 20 minutes
from a lavatorial facility...

Well, none of that is her fault,
Alastair.

However, I am going to extend her
sick leave because

I literally cannot cope
with her face.

Could I be excused too?
No, Alastair, sit down.

I've got some aspirin in my bag.

Bloody bag of broken dreams.

Yeah, she is, isn't she?

So, how are you actually
following up?

We're checking with the hospitals
to see if they can help,

any young mothers acting
weird and mental.

Well, that'd be most young mothers,
then.

Well, let's keep on it and,
Alastair, while you're here,

take us through where you are on
housing those children from Syria.

No-one's contacted us yet.

It's like this baby landed
from another planet.

Like an alien.
Or like baby Jesus!

Or like neither! So, let's just...

Baby's got to sleep.

One message from Caitlin asking me
to bring fleeces and sun cream

because the weather is changeable,
and a further nine messages

saying she will chuck me
if I'm not at the station.

Al, come with me. Come on.

# Al got sickee, didn't he?

Oh, my God!

So, Martin, I've been drowning in
a sea of financial constraints

and administrative sewage,
so I've been less than efficient

in scrutinising the updates
from your GP.

Well, I was wondering why things
weren't moving along

as quickly as I thought they would
with my return to work.

But it has to be said that
the interim period of popping in

and just observing and being there
for everyone has been very helpful.

In fact, I could say it's
made me well again.

All this time,
it's been staring me in the face.

URGENT KNOCKING

Hello. Someone quick.
One second. Hello!

Oi, you! Please!

Please!

This is more urgent. OK, OK.
It's important. OK.

We need urgent help, please, my wife
left her baby somewhere. Our baby.

That's what I said.
No, you just said it was my baby.

You're the one who left the child
and you want to argue about

who's more observant?
I know, it's fucking awful, OK?

Shh, all right! It's dreadful, Zak!
What if we never get him back?

What if something's happened to him?

You know, I literally do not
have time for this.

Please, the supermarket
told us to come here.

Can you just tell us if you have
any idea where our baby is?

Listen, pal, I'll tell you...

I'll explain something to
you right now, OK?

If you do not help us to find our
baby, I'm going to get on the phone

to a very important human rights
lawyer who just happens to be...

Don't, for fuck's sake!
..a close personal...

Zak, just stop...
Well, how are you helping? ..stupid!

Right, I'm calling.
He's ignored me, that's it.

No! That's it. Look, the most
important thing is our fucking baby.

And this will get him back.
I just have to be positive.

I can't deal with this. Oh, my God!

HE GROANS

Oh, now, that really is very good.

Yes, even I would believe
you're genuinely ill.

I'm bloody ill.

It's the memory of last night's
sushi combined with

the toxic fridge box.

Perhaps it's a judgment on you
for trying to bunk off early.

Could you...

call Caitlin for me?

Ask her to come and collect me,
please.

'Hello, this is Caitlin.'

It's gone to message.
'Leave a message and speak clearly.'

Oh, dear.
Caitlin sounds a bit stern.

The way she said "speak clearly"
is enough to make you stammer.

Sophie is exhausted but the Mumsnet
community pressured her into

breast-feeding,
which I didn't think was...

Are you going to take our baby
away from us or not?

They can't do that. No, I'm not.

But please do try to be a little bit
more vigilant in the future.

Yes, I will, I will. Yeah.

And, Sophie, get some sleep.

Thank you.

Is that it?
We're just going to let them go?

That man isn't fit to be a parent.

I should have initiated Section 47.

MCWD. What?

Middle class, well dressed.

Generally considered to be
less of a risk.

We tend to let them go with
a mild ticking off.

Is that a policy?

More of an unspoken ethic.
You'll learn.

Although, fuck me,
I'd rather bring kids up with Lee

than that fuck-stick.

Right, everyone, stop working.

Quiet, please. Quiet, please!

Yes, all right,
Nitin, I don't need your help.

OK, in view of my recent
observations,

I am going to make some
departmental changes.

This is it, people, it's judgment day.
GROANS AND MURMURS

For heaven's sake, it's like being
a teacher again!

Shh! Quiet!

SILENCE

This department is a mess.

People are slap dash,
reports sloppy,

communications unclear, you're late,
generally underperforming.

So, in light of Ingrid's recent
departure, I have decided to

have a reshuffle and put someone
permanently in charge.

KNOCKING

Who's that?

Oh, dear, I think that's Caitlin.

This is exactly the lack of
professionalism I'm talking about.

Where's Al?
ALL: Through there.

Are you taking the piss?
ALL: No.

So, in the past three months,
we have had Rose,

who right under my nose has been
trying to look after

her poor mother in work time.

Don't think I haven't noticed, Rose.

Well, in my defence,

I was just trying to do a good thing
for someone that I love.

Aren't we supposed to be
looking after people?

It's not like I was skiving off
to the bookie's.

You don't think I realise we're here
to look after people?

You think I'm standing here bleating
about standards and outcomes

because I'm Alan Sugar with tits?

You're in the front line,
I get that,

and what you're dealing with
is horrendous.

But I have to deal with 1,000
George Osborne clones who seem

to get a sexual kick out of
telling me that there's no money,

just an extra helping of tough shit,

and all the logistics
and admin makes me

forget about all the families out
there who we're supposed

to be helping but in fact we're
failing day in, day out

because the people above me
have all the conscience

of Hitler's lost bollock!

DOOR SLAMS

ALL: Bye! Piss off!

In terms of promotion,

I have decided

to pass over Nitin,

and you, Rose, and Alastair,

and I am going to promote Martin.

Who better than someone who
has really got to know

the foibles of the workforce over
the last few months?

Who has a font of goodness
and optimism,

which I pray will protect you

and buffer you from
the stresses of the job,

at least for the first six weeks.

So...

Congratulations, Martin!

Everyone, have a good weekend.
I'm off to get drunk.

CHEERING

PHONE RINGS

Lee?

Mum's been admitted to hospital -
she's got a urinary tract infection.

Yes! Right.

Well, I know it's not
life-threatening,

but why so pleased?

Weekend off, Lee's having the kids,
I can have a lie-down. Result.

Oh, sorry, how are you? Shit.

Caitlin's gone to France without me.

And Denise has promoted Martin.
Yeah, could have been worse.

Could have been Nitin.

Ah, come on, Al, tidy your desk,
will you? Then you can go home.

And, Rose, I will see you 9am sharp
on Monday morning

and I will not look kindly
on latecomers.

Ha-ha-ha!

Actually, I mean that. Oh.

Ooh...

That's better.

I'm not tidying my desk.

SHE KNOCKS

Oh, hello.

Al...

Oh. Rose?

Meet Amira, Ayana, Reema and Fareed.
Welcome.

It's only for a few days -
I could do with the company.

Oh, poor old you.
Anyway, I'm the bearer of good news.

Denise has had a stroke.

Martin is marrying Ingrid.

Lee's been castrated.

There's been an incident in
the Tunnel and Eurostar

is going to be stranded all night.

THEY CHEER

# People, they ain't no good

# I think that's well understood

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