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1
00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:05,700
INDISTINCT VOICES
All right.
2
00:00:07,860 --> 00:00:10,660
Oh, for fuck's sake! Get up and
help!
3
00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:13,100
Oh, God. Good morning to you, too.
4
00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:16,540
Look, I've been wedged in a broken
IKEA sofa all night.
5
00:00:16,580 --> 00:00:19,980
So forgive me if I'm less than
fucking civil!
6
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,380
Well, you could have slept here.
7
00:00:21,420 --> 00:00:25,420
Yeah, well, you were here, pissed,
passed out and farting like a moose.
8
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,820
The whole bed's soaking!
9
00:00:27,860 --> 00:00:31,860
Just like old times.
Oh, Jesus.
10
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,020
Dad, do you live with us again now?
11
00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:39,300
No, darling, Daddy's just at home
for a little holiday.
12
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,180
Well, that won't scar them for life
mentally.
13
00:00:41,220 --> 00:00:44,060
Well, what do you want me to say?
You couldn't actually bear the boredom
14
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,740
of living with them, so you buggered
off to live with another lady.
15
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,340
Mum, we're going to be late for
school!
16
00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:50,500
Everyone into Dad's car. Bring your
toast.
17
00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:52,820
No, no, no, no, they'll get the
seats all sticky!
18
00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:56,780
Bring the Nutella, Billy. Quick, off
we go! Billy, don't take the Nutella!
19
00:00:56,820 --> 00:00:58,060
Billy! Billy!
20
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,540
PHONE RINGS
Hello, children's services.
21
00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:03,940
'Yeah, how much should a
four-year-old's shit weigh?'
22
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,940
Can you please not speak to me like
that?
23
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:08,860
'You can tell that evil cow from me,
I'm going to kill her!
24
00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:10,980
'I want my fucking kids back!'
25
00:01:11,020 --> 00:01:13,540
Founding member of the Rose Denby
Fan Club.
26
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:15,460
PHONE BEEPS
27
00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,460
'Hello? Yeah, I'd like to foster a
child, please. A blonde one.'
28
00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:22,500
All right?
How was the police disco?
29
00:01:24,020 --> 00:01:25,580
I think I'm going to be sick.
30
00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:27,940
PHONE RINGS
31
00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:31,300
HE RETCHES
32
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:34,260
'Not being rude or nothing, but them
gays next door have got a fucking kid.
33
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,900
'They can fuck each other, but don't
bring a kid into it, right?
34
00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:40,900
Always lovely to hear from the
president of the LGBT Tolerance Society.
35
00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:44,940
I'm hungry.
Dad, just take it.
36
00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:47,540
CHILDREN TALK OVER EACH OTHER
37
00:01:47,580 --> 00:01:49,460
Bye, kids.
38
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:50,820
Have a great day, OK?
39
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:52,260
Love you all. Bye.
40
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:55,020
Oh, come on, Rose. Give us a kiss.
Come on.
41
00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:59,060
CHILDREN: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
42
00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:02,140
Fuck you. Bye, Mum! Love you!
43
00:02:02,180 --> 00:02:03,660
Love is in the air!
44
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:06,460
Last night's dinner's in the air,
gross!
45
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:10,500
I've just seen Rose with her not so
ex-husband, smooching downstairs.
46
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:12,380
Downstairs in public?
47
00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:15,180
Bit rude! Well, no, not rude,
actually.
48
00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:17,100
Quite touching.
49
00:02:17,140 --> 00:02:18,980
Hey, Nitty Noodle's got morning
sickness.
50
00:02:19,020 --> 00:02:21,100
He went to a party last night.
51
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:22,740
Oh, Nitin. Hangover?
52
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:24,140
I don't drink.
53
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:26,780
Yeah right, your chuck up was at
least two parts Malibu.
54
00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:28,460
I'm nearly drunk on the pong.
55
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:32,020
Someone must have spiked my
mocktail.
56
00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:35,820
I'm going to make a cup of tea and
pretend I live a different life.
57
00:02:35,860 --> 00:02:38,180
Anyone want one? No, thanks, Al.
58
00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:39,540
I like my life.
59
00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,020
I'd love a cup of hot milk.
60
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:42,180
Line my stomach.
61
00:02:42,220 --> 00:02:43,860
I've got my mate's hen do tonight.
62
00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:46,700
Don't want to end up like old barf
bag Nitin here.
63
00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:49,220
Hey, anyone want a chocolate penis?
64
00:02:49,260 --> 00:02:51,940
They're not as good as the real
thing, but you know girls!
65
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:55,380
We've got to make do sometimes,
haven't we? Nitin?
66
00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:59,420
I've got some sex cuffs as well, but
they're stuck on my wrist.
67
00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:02,620
What am I going to do?
68
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:06,060
Chuck us a penis.
69
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:09,140
Oh, that's a grower not a shower,
isn't it?
70
00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:11,100
Oh, Nat, can you do an info pack for
me?
71
00:03:11,140 --> 00:03:13,940
I need pamphlets, websites, support
groups for lesbian, gay,
72
00:03:13,980 --> 00:03:17,980
bi and trans parents, OK?
73
00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:19,260
Yeah, you got it, boss.
74
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:23,300
PHONE RINGS
75
00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:24,940
HE RETCHES
76
00:03:24,980 --> 00:03:27,260
Right. Come on, Nitin.
77
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:31,300
Going to get you to the gentlemen's
lavatories.
78
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:34,220
Oh, Mum. No, no.
79
00:03:34,260 --> 00:03:35,620
No, that IS your flat.
80
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:38,020
I know you don't think it looks like
it.
81
00:03:38,060 --> 00:03:40,300
No, Mum. Just stay there, OK?
82
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:43,860
I'll try and pop round later.
Bye, mum.
83
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:45,620
'Yeah, I'm on benefits.
84
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:48,460
'You still doing them free trips to
Disneyland or what?'
85
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:52,500
PHONES RING
86
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:55,180
Apple juice or urine sample?
87
00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:58,220
Wouldn't risk it either way.
88
00:03:58,260 --> 00:04:01,180
Have you got anything to eat that
isn't radioactive?
89
00:04:01,220 --> 00:04:02,340
I'm starving.
90
00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:04,380
Told you before, eat breakfast!
91
00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:07,380
By the time I've done the kids'
breakfast and I've done Lee his
92
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:10,420
hundredweight of sausages, I don't
have time to eat.
93
00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:12,500
Oh, dear. Ex-husband not pulling his
weight?
94
00:04:12,540 --> 00:04:14,380
Well, let's just say he is pulling
his weight.
95
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:17,220
Up to the dinner table. What
happened to the posh girlfriend?
96
00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:21,260
I thought he'd moved in. She had an
operation to remove the scales from her eyes.
97
00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:25,180
Fuck me! What's that? Has something
died?
98
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,660
I'm surprised Nitin hasn't chalked
round it.
99
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,260
And called forensics.
100
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:32,620
PC Plum is throwing his guts up in
the lav.
101
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:34,980
Has he got some sort of serious
illness?
102
00:04:35,020 --> 00:04:39,020
No, just a severe case of police
disco-itis.
103
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:43,460
HE EXHALES
104
00:04:44,060 --> 00:04:46,420
What is that? And look, I wet
myself.
105
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:49,140
No, no, no, no, no.
106
00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:50,500
No...
107
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:54,540
HE GROANS
108
00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:57,340
Just having a lot of really
horrible
109
00:04:57,380 --> 00:05:01,340
homophobic calls about this family
that have moved into the regenerated
110
00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:02,540
Silworth Estate.
111
00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:05,420
Oh, the Nazi neighbourhood watch
mobilised?
112
00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:09,460
How can people still be
bothered to be bothered about
113
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:11,100
a gay couple with kids?
114
00:05:11,140 --> 00:05:13,860
Yeah, and how am I going to do a
home visit without looking like I'm
115
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:16,300
judging them? Well, why would they
think that?
116
00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:19,660
I don't know. I'm just nervous about
getting it wrong.
117
00:05:19,700 --> 00:05:23,140
Well, maybe not mention "I tried it
at uni".
118
00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:24,700
That anecdote. Why don't you go?
119
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:26,180
You were in a lesbian collective.
120
00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:29,860
I was a political lesbian in 1987
for three weeks.
121
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,620
And did you undermine the
patriarchy?
122
00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:35,180
Well, I looked at me Auntie Mary in
a mirror a few times.
123
00:05:35,220 --> 00:05:37,620
Happy days! Go on, just come with
me.
124
00:05:37,660 --> 00:05:38,700
Don't make me laugh.
125
00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:42,060
I've got to front up the allegations
about Denise's son's school.
126
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:43,860
Haven't you done that yet? Rose!
127
00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:46,900
Well, what am I supposed to say to
Denise?
128
00:05:46,940 --> 00:05:49,740
"What are your son's favourite
after-school activities?
129
00:05:49,780 --> 00:05:51,900
"Is it football? Is it cross-country
running?
130
00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:54,140
"Is it having sex with his English
teacher?"
131
00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:57,020
When you're in with Denise,
could you have a word about...
132
00:05:57,060 --> 00:05:58,980
because Nitin obviously never
mentioned it.
133
00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:02,340
Hey, Mark. What are you doing,
breeding tadpoles?
134
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:05,660
Just making some mint tea to settle
poor Nitin's tum.
135
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:09,700
That's actually five-week old
parsley for my kids' guinea pigs.
136
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:14,580
Oh.
Oh, well, it's all herbal, isn't it?
137
00:06:14,620 --> 00:06:17,420
Ah, right.
138
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,220
Mind the...
139
00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:21,580
floor shit.
140
00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:23,980
That's... It's...
141
00:06:24,020 --> 00:06:25,580
All good. Thank you.
142
00:06:25,620 --> 00:06:28,700
All good.
143
00:06:28,740 --> 00:06:30,500
Why don't you take Mark with you?
144
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:31,540
HE LAUGHS
145
00:06:31,580 --> 00:06:33,060
CODE PAD BEEPS
146
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,780
Nitin not out of the lavs yet?
147
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:37,020
He's having a private wash.
148
00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:40,140
Is that what you call it? He now
thinks he must have digested something
149
00:06:40,180 --> 00:06:41,380
dodgy at the disco.
150
00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:43,580
Why don't we have a look?
151
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,060
Have a look? Well, it's not...
152
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:48,940
Oh! There's our Nitin.
153
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:50,940
Now, how is it you can barely answer
00:06:54,100
and now suddenly you can hack into
the central police file?
155
00:06:54,140 --> 00:06:55,660
Yeah. No, I mean it.
156
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:57,020
Oh, I've got a mate in the Met.
157
00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:59,260
The pictures are on his Instagram
feed.
158
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:02,180
Food poisoning? He's chugging the
booze!
159
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,700
Oh, my God, what is that?
160
00:07:04,740 --> 00:07:07,980
What are you all looking at?
Hang on, it's tagged.
161
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:09,180
SHE GASPS
162
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,300
It's Nitin's bum!
163
00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:11,820
Oh, Jesus.
164
00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:13,980
Nitin's photocopied his arse!
165
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:18,020
SHE LAUGHS
166
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:22,100
I feel almost human again.
167
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:26,140
Oh Nitin, could you check your
00:07:29,980
Yeah. I'll just...
169
00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:32,660
What is that? You've probably never
seen it from that angle.
170
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:36,700
LAUGHTER
171
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:41,900
Right, I'm ordering complete
shutdown of all computers, turn them off now. Now!
172
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:46,100
All right, you lot. You continue
with your adolescent fun.
173
00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:48,900
I'm off out to do some actual work.
174
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:50,500
Al, I'm coming with you!
175
00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:54,540
Al. Al.
176
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,780
This is a very delicate situation,
177
00:07:56,820 --> 00:08:00,060
so the last thing I need is you
displaying any of the homophobic values
178
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:02,780
that have made our British police
force what it is today.
179
00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:06,420
If I'd witnessed half the gay hating
and racism in the force as I have at social services,
180
00:08:06,460 --> 00:08:10,460
that, Al, would average
out at a way smaller percentage.
181
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:16,100
What?
182
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:18,420
KNOCK ON DOOR
183
00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:21,660
Sorry about the mess, we've just
moved in! So, just to dive in.
184
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:25,420
We've received some unsettling
complaints from some of your new neighbours.
185
00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:29,460
You should hear some of
the stuff they're saying about you guys. It's disgusting.
186
00:08:29,620 --> 00:08:31,140
Why? What have we done? Nothing.
187
00:08:31,180 --> 00:08:35,180
We just wanted to check if you've
received any direct...
188
00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:37,940
..abuse. No more than usual.
189
00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:40,980
So you have? I'm sorry.
190
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,060
Did you report it?
191
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:44,420
What, do you think the police round
here are going to do anything?
192
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,740
They've got terrorist cells to smoke
out, haven't they?
193
00:08:46,780 --> 00:08:49,580
He's right. This estate's got Isis
written all over it.
194
00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:52,060
Nitin, seriously? Yeah.
195
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:53,220
Look, if it happens again,
196
00:08:53,260 --> 00:08:56,140
particularly if anything's directed
at your child,
197
00:08:56,180 --> 00:08:59,220
please will you just call me
immediately?
198
00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:03,180
There's a lot of ignorant scum
around here who can't handle your set-up.
199
00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:06,540
Sorry, what do you mean our set-up?
You know, two blokes adopting a kid.
200
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,580
Right. Our child's not adopted,
she's biological.
201
00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:12,940
We've got another one on the way.
202
00:09:12,980 --> 00:09:14,220
HE LAUGHS
203
00:09:14,260 --> 00:09:16,660
How... So what...
204
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:17,740
Who's...
205
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:20,980
There's a woman. There'll be a woman
carrying the baby.
206
00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:24,580
Where? A friend or something.
207
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:28,620
How does that work? Do you...
208
00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:31,420
No, it's intriguing. Brave new
world.
209
00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:34,260
Sorry, are you actually social
workers or Daily Mail reporters?
210
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:36,060
No, he doesn't mean...
211
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,740
And by the way, Guardian, online.
212
00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:41,380
And look, you're obviously terrific
parents.
213
00:09:41,420 --> 00:09:44,180
Yeah, and you're right to ignore the
haters, because it's 2016, guys.
214
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:47,660
Let's get with the programme. Let's
sit down and watch an episode of Modern Family.
215
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:50,420
Sorry, are you comparing us to the
gay couple in Modern Family?
216
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:52,140
Yeah. They're hilarious.
217
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:54,460
No. No.
218
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:58,060
We are all on the same team.
219
00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:00,100
Now, I'm not suggesting that I'm...
220
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,380
I mean, not that that would be in
any...
221
00:10:02,420 --> 00:10:06,060
I think maybe, gentlemen, you're
making assumptions now.
222
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:08,580
Al dresses like Jeremy Clarkson, but
when he was at university,
223
00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:12,300
he actually let a rugby player stick
a finger up his anus.
224
00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:15,300
Oh, my God.
I heard you telling Rose.
225
00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:17,340
OK. Why don't you two
226
00:10:17,380 --> 00:10:18,740
(fuck off?)
227
00:10:18,780 --> 00:10:20,100
I'm sorry. And you're right.
228
00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:22,260
And we should go.
229
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:25,540
Can I just use your lav?
230
00:10:25,580 --> 00:10:29,260
Yeah, it's through there.
231
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:32,340
Just tell us, are we on some social
services blacklist or something?
232
00:10:32,380 --> 00:10:34,060
NITIN RETCHES
233
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,300
Absolutely not.
234
00:10:35,340 --> 00:10:38,340
And as long as you're OK, child's
OK,
235
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:42,380
I'll just leave you with some
relevant literature.
236
00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:47,380
Oh, my God.
237
00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:49,900
Oh, my God, that's my assistant.
238
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:53,700
Thank you.
239
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:57,740
Just the window, can you open the...
240
00:10:58,580 --> 00:11:00,380
What is wrong with you?
241
00:11:00,420 --> 00:11:04,020
Hey?
242
00:11:04,060 --> 00:11:05,940
PHONE RINGS
243
00:11:05,980 --> 00:11:08,820
Nitin's bum's gone viral.
244
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:10,380
That's in my head now.
245
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:14,180
Got you your little Twix. Oh, thank
you.
246
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:15,740
All right, Nit? Where's Al?
247
00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:19,780
Off having a hissy fit, so that's
the last time I go out with him.
248
00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:23,660
Didn't know you two were an item!
249
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:26,100
Oh, by the way, there's a bloke
outside wanting to see you.
250
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:28,660
He's really nice, helped me off with
my fluffy handcuffs.
251
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:32,700
And before you say, "Oh, Natalie my
love, how many times have I told you, we don't take walk-ins."
252
00:11:33,180 --> 00:11:37,180
(He's in a wheelchair. Bless.)
253
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:41,780
CODE PAD BEEPS
254
00:11:42,620 --> 00:11:44,020
Oh, hello. I'm sorry about this,
255
00:11:44,060 --> 00:11:47,460
but we're not actually authorised to
see people on site any more.
256
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:50,660
Would you mind going home and
00:11:54,140
Is there any chance you could wheel
me back to the lift, please?
258
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,540
Of course, sure, no problem.
259
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:59,580
Thank you, thank you. Let's sort the
door out.
260
00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:05,060
Hello, Rose. I bet you didn't expect
to see me so soon, did you?
261
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,340
God, it's you. Yeah, it is me.
262
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:10,300
What's he doing? Open the fucking...
263
00:12:10,340 --> 00:12:13,500
When you put the code in,
you pressed it too many times so it's not going to open now.
264
00:12:13,540 --> 00:12:17,460
I pressed it twice and then you...
265
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:21,140
Just get in there.
266
00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:23,020
Fuck! Bollocks!
267
00:12:23,060 --> 00:12:26,100
Shitting... Stop hitting the fucking
code pad, OK? You're going to break it even more!
268
00:12:26,140 --> 00:12:27,620
Shit! Fuck!
269
00:12:27,660 --> 00:12:29,740
CODE PAD BEEPS
270
00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:30,740
Come on!
271
00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:34,580
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
I'm putting on my high-vis jacket. Why? It's an emergency.
272
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:38,140
I know it's an emergency. You know
it's an emergency. Is that the best you can do?
273
00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:41,020
CODE PAD BEEPS
274
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:43,740
Come on!
275
00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:47,780
Rose? Do yourself a favour
and fuck off!
276
00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:57,540
This is clearly... Martin!
Martin! Rose is being kidnapped! Yes, we know!
277
00:12:57,580 --> 00:12:59,300
Nitin's put in the wrong code about
50 times.
278
00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:01,020
No, Nat put the code in!
279
00:13:01,060 --> 00:13:03,060
Take your hand off my throat.
280
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,340
I can't breathe!
281
00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:05,820
I wasn't born yesterday, all right?
282
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:08,860
What do you think, I'm going to try
stab you with a paperclip?
283
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:11,660
We need to call 999, or is it 111?
Is that just health services?
284
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:15,700
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Short cut, short cut, short cut, here we go!
285
00:13:17,180 --> 00:13:19,140
OK, yeah.
286
00:13:19,180 --> 00:13:20,420
He's a very big guy.
287
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:22,940
I mean very, very big. Rose?
I just want to hear that you're OK.
288
00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:26,980
We can't get in. Shh!
I need to focus!
289
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:32,400
Open the bloody door or I'm sending
in SWAT!
290
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:37,200
Open the bloody door. Give me your
hand.
291
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,800
Don't try and get clever with me
and I won't try and get clever with you, all right?
292
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,520
No danger of that.
293
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,120
I've been trained in hostage
negotiation.
294
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,560
Five-point approach. Listening,
empathy, rapport, influence,
295
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,280
behavioural change. That's six
things.
296
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:55,120
No. Listening, empathy, rapport...
We should probably hurry things along.
297
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,840
(Watch me. I'm going in.)
298
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,800
Hello. We are here to listen.
299
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,120
Fuck off. You fuck off.
300
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,600
Let me tell you something, right?
301
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,640
If you don't get my kids out of care
and back with me lively,
302
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,920
she's going to get it, all right?
303
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,240
Hello? Where is everyone?
304
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,040
Not back from lunch yet.
305
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,000
There's
about 20 calls backed up on here.
306
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,840
Has no-one been covering?
307
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,440
'Social services... Dickhead.
308
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,640
'Brexit... Help me, I'm having
baby...
309
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,200
'Hi, we'd like to lodge a formal
complaint about...
310
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,120
'The name on the card is Al
Kavanagh, senior social worker.
311
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:38,160
'The whole visit was homophobic,
ignorant, rude, horrible...'
312
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,920
HE SIGHS
313
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,840
And Denise wants to see you.
314
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,720
PHONE RINGS
315
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,200
OK, Rose, is he packing?
316
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,400
No, he's just standing next to me.
317
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:48,680
No, I mean, has he got a gun?
318
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,320
Have you got a gun? Have I got a
gun?
319
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:51,880
What? Here or at home?
320
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,720
No, unless he's got one in his
pants, he hasn't got a gun.
321
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:58,080
The Beretta 3032. It's a tiny
personal defence weapon.
322
00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,160
It could fit in his crotch.
323
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,520
Well, I prefer the PS 1 because
although it's still compact,
324
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,920
you've still got the power... What
the fuck am I talking to this mug for?
325
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,600
Who is he? What's his name?
326
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,160
Don't you start asking me questions.
327
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,480
I don't even know the geezer.
328
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:15,200
He just works here. No, he hasn't
got a gun, but he is very angry.
329
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,720
He's hungry? Yeah, I am hungry as it
happens.
330
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,680
I could fucking murder a Ruby
Murray.
331
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,520
Do you hear me? I could murder a
Ruby Murray.
332
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,760
He's hungry. It's a common demand
among kidnappers, OK?
333
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,280
So, it's usually pizza, but just
go get a curry menu.
334
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:29,480
How was the Adas conference?
335
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,200
Like a bullshit tsunami.
336
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,360
So, I've got a very short fuse.
337
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,400
Well, this is incredibly awkward.
Yeah. Well, Rose was going to...
338
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:39,880
Don't use Rose as a smokescreen.
339
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:41,840
I want to hear it from you. OK.
340
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,680
Well, we've had a call about a
member of staff at Glenway School
341
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,280
conducting a relationship with a
pupil.
342
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,960
What? This isn't what I wanted to
discuss.
343
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,600
You know my son's at Glenway?
344
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,000
Is he? He might know the girl.
345
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,280
It's a boy. And a female member of
staff, Miss Bronson.
346
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,400
OK. No, she is a brilliant teacher.
347
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,280
She tutors the Russell group kids.
348
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,320
Do you have a credible source for
this information? A mate of Rose's.
349
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,840
Oh, a mate of Rose's.
350
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,240
Well, in that case, it's probably
just a stupid rumour on Ask FM or
351
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,960
a sexting prank. Do you remember
that teacher who accidentally sexted
352
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,240
his erect penis to the
mother of one of his pupils?
353
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,280
It's bigger than that.
354
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,240
Leave it with me.
355
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,920
So, you'll contact the police.
356
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,520
No, I might go and talk to my son
and see if he knows the boy.
357
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,320
It gives us a chance to bond, Dan
and I.
358
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,640
He's been a bit withdrawn lately.
Think he's got girlfriend problems.
359
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,120
Oh, so he's got a girlfriend. Yeah,
well, not one that he's brought home.
360
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,280
But you know, all the telltale
signs are there.
361
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,040
He's very groomed. Anyway.
362
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,360
The reason I wanted to see you was I
had a formal complaint from
363
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,320
the couple you visited this morning.
364
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,440
They rang you, as well. Apparently
you have an implicit tone of judgment
365
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,280
in your voice. Oh, do I now?
366
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,600
There it is. I'm sending you on a
sexual diversity awareness course.
367
00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,920
In the meantime, Nitin will look
after the family in question.
368
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,320
Nitin? It says on his staff profile,
look,
369
00:16:56,360 --> 00:17:00,360
that he was a member of the National
LGBT police network.
370
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,920
OK. Well, he still managed to get
the abbreviation wrong, so...
371
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,720
Well, you're in no position to
judge.
372
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,080
One chicken vindaloo.
373
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:11,280
(One chicken vindaloo.) Any naan
bread?
374
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,680
One of them buttery ones. What's
them buttery ones called?
375
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:16,200
Not the coconut ones, because I've
got IBS.
376
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,680
The buttery once. Chapatti?
377
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,560
No, he means paratha. Keep him
talking.
378
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,440
Just get the cunting curry, all
right?
379
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,640
And a two-litre bottle of Diet Coke.
380
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,680
Diet Coke.
381
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,280
How are we going to get the food in
there if he won't open the door?
382
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,520
He will have to open it a
chink when the food arrives, so we'll wedge it with a brolly,
383
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,560
we'll get in and then we'll slam him
face down on the ground. Oi, Nickin. I can hear you, mate.
384
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,720
'Hi, this is Lee's phone. Do the
thing.'
385
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,240
Hi, Lee.
386
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,080
Rose is fine. She's not dead.
387
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:48,120
But she has been taken a tiny bit
hostage by a man.
388
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,320
I've been looking for you. Rose is
being held hostage.
389
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,240
Martin... Nitin's negotiating her
release.
390
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,960
Just at least punctuate your
sentences.
391
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:59,000
Oh, come on, dickhead. Just come
and help.
392
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,360
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
393
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:08,400
Have you got a bucket? Do I look
like got a fucking bucket?
394
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,320
Come on!
395
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:15,360
What's going on? (Don't worry,
we've got it under control. We're playing the long game.)
396
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:23,640
(They've gone quiet. Maybe they've
passed out through lack of oxygen. Or the smell of printer ink.)
397
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,400
Oh, God.
398
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:26,840
Rose, are you all right?
399
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,360
I'm trapped in a very small room
with a very large bloke who's just
400
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,600
unzipped his flies.
401
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,920
I can't go with someone in the room.
I'm very happy to wait outside.
402
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,040
No, can you just be quiet a minute,
love. Don't even breathe. Oh, here he comes.
403
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,240
URINE TRICKLES
404
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,480
HE MOUTHS
405
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:45,440
Grub's up. Oh, sorry.
406
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:49,480
Sorry. Let's go.
407
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,080
That's like a yard of urine.
408
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,120
Yeah, well, I
409
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:58,160
had a lot sort of backed up.
410
00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,240
KNOCKING ON DOOR
411
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,560
Where's my takeaway?
412
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,000
Open up and we'll pass it through.
413
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,840
Does he think I'm thick as shit, or
what?
414
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,880
If you don't open the door, how are
we going to give it to you?
415
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:14,400
You can pass it through the air
vent.
416
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,880
Are you sure about this?
417
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,600
Dude, I've faced much bigger
challenges.
418
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,240
I used to be part of the LBGT police
network.
419
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,160
Oh, forgive me, I didn't know.
420
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,080
So, are you bi, gay or trans?
421
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,840
No. I mean the Little Boy's Gamer
Team.
422
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,280
Oh. We've had to cyber think our way
out of way worse situations than
423
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,000
this, my friend.
424
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,400
Oh, there's loads of mouse shit.
425
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,640
Yes, I need the police, please.
426
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,680
Alistair, we need to find emergency
housing for this family.
427
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,280
Their neighbours torched their flat.
428
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,760
Denise, I'm in the middle of a
hostage crisis.
429
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:52,320
Carol, can you find a B&B for
these people, please?
430
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:53,400
Yes, emergency.
431
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,840
I'm so sorry.
432
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,480
I think I'm a bit stuck.
433
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,520
I didn't know there was a bend in
it. Hold on, Nitin.
434
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,520
This is Alistair Kavanagh,
senior social worker.
435
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,640
Could you please communicate your
concerns?
436
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:08,720
We will see if we can help.
437
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,280
Yeah, don't worry about that.
438
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,320
I just want my dinner.
439
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,240
Hello.
I'm very claustrophobic.
440
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,880
Where is he? Air vent.
441
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,280
And he's stuck. Jesus, this is a
nightmare.
442
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,280
Could you help?
443
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,040
I'll tell you what's a nightmare.
444
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,560
Having your kids robbed off you by
some nosy cow at social services.
445
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,640
Getting banged up for a year and
then coming out to find they've been
446
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,240
put in care and you can't get them
back.
447
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,840
That's a fucking nightmare.
448
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,920
LIFT BELL PINGS
449
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,160
They're in this room.
450
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,280
There's one man there with one
hostage.
451
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,320
The sooner we get out of here, you
can start an appeal to get them back.
452
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:45,480
Oh, it's all right for you with your
perfect middle-class life, isn't it?
453
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,560
Hey? Your kids doing piano lessons,
454
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,640
and your husband who probably knits
his own...humus.
455
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,680
Actually, my husband's a useless
ballsack who left me and three kids for some
456
00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,800
posh bird, but came crawling back
because he couldn't even afford to rent a shitty mobile home.
457
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,840
POLICE RADIO: 'OK, Bravo, stand by,
over.'
458
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,760
This way. Madam, over here.
459
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:10,600
Your kids were sleeping in a
cupboard because you were growing weed in their bedroom.
460
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,640
They were
undernourished, cold and filthy,
461
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:18,480
and you had them pushing hard drugs
at the local primary school,
462
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:22,520
so don't tell me I was wrong to put
them somewhere where they were fed,
463
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,760
cared for, and maybe even loved.
464
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:28,800
Oh, I love them. They're like flesh
and blood to me.
465
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:33,280
What have I done?
What have I done?
466
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,160
POLICE RADIO: 'Transportation en
route.
467
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,200
'Be there in 40 minutes. Over.'
468
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:43,320
They ain't never going to let me
have my kids back now, are they?
469
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,000
Look, all you can do is start again.
470
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,400
Just try and be a little bit less
shit.
471
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:52,440
That's all any of us can do.
472
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:56,680
I'm sorry.
473
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,200
I'm sorry.
474
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,640
Go! Go! Move!
475
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,680
ALL TALK AT ONCE
476
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,520
Go forward! Forward!
477
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,560
Medic, stand down. Medic, stand
down. Yeah, we got him. OK. OK.
478
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,800
We've got him. En route now.
479
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,040
Martin.
480
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,400
Richard? Oh, come on, don't cry.
481
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,240
I am not crying.
482
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,960
12 months, that's not a year.
483
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,120
I'm here to get me kids back, mate.
Rose! Rose!
484
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:30,840
Oh, love, thank God you're here.
485
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,560
What you wearing your tinfoil poncho
for?
486
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:33,720
Yeah, can you take a picture?
487
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,520
Then I can pretend I've done the
marathon.
488
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,200
I haven't got me phone. Did you not
at all our calls?
489
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,840
No, I locked myself out of the house
with the phone inside.
490
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,360
You got the keys, Rose? Oh.
491
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,600
Rose. Yeah?
492
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,080
This your husband? Yeah.
493
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:49,000
All right, mate. I'm sorry I can't
shake your hand. Have this instead.
494
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:53,040
After him! Stop it!
495
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,080
# People, they ain't no good
496
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:10,080
# I think that's well understood
497
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:20,400
People just ain't no good.
498
00:23:20,450 --> 00:23:25,000
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