All language subtitles for Damned s01e02 a

Hi, Child Services.

'You've taken my five kids into care.
Can you take the rabbit as well?'

BEEP
'I love my baby. I love my boyfriend more.

'And he hates the baby.'
'It ain't even mine.'

BEEP
'My mum...my mum won't get up.

'I don't know why.
She's just asleep.'

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

BEEP
'Hi. The kids next door just shat on the patio.

'Yeah, it stinks.

'My mum said it was the dog
but their dog's tiny.

'Yeah, it's smaller than
some of the shits.'

Hello, children's services.

'Hello, um, so, basically, last
week, I had a problem with...'

VOICE FADES

Shit, this didn't shut down last
night. Error code 993C.

Yeah, I performed
an unauthorised shut down.

What are you going to do about it,
fuckface?

May I offer my current favourite
insult, cock knocker?

OK, someone must have spiked my
cappuccino in Caffe Nero

because it is 8:45am
and I'm hallucinating Rose.

Fuck off, cock knocker.
I do get here on time sometimes.

No, the only time you got here
on time

was when you forgot
to put the clocks back.

Everyone!

ALL: # I believe in miracles

# Since you came along

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Aren't you going to say "sexy"
any time?

No, because that would constitute
harassment in the workplace.

Oh, no. Look at that.

It's so long since
you've been on time,

the party poppers
have disintegrated.

Sorry for not joining in but I
didn't learn the lyrics,

cos I never thought we'd have reason
to sing it.

I would imagine you've got a
terrible singing voice, Nitin.

Based on what?

Your speaking voice.

Anyway, are you going to get me a
cuppa to make up for it?

No, I'm not going back in that
kitchen without a hazmat suit.

Didn't have you down as the
designer-label type.

A hazmat suit, Nat, protects you
against hazardous materials.

Should we all have them?

No. So why do you need one?

I think what Nat is exploring,
in a roundabout way,

perhaps not even consciously,

is that you may be exaggerating
the state of the kitchen.

I think Nat has made a fair
assumption.

I mean, you do love a man-made
fibre, don't you?

You could walk through a nuclear
reactor in those trousers

and just wipe them clean.

If I was still in uniform, I would
declare that kitchen a crime scene.

I would rather drink the contents
of a urinal

than the fluid at the bottom
of the vegetable drawer.

Yeah, or you could just drink
neither.

Rose, it's Lee.

I don't want to talk to him.

I'm afraid she's busy right now,
but you can try her on her mobile.

Nat, what part of
"I don't want to talk to him"

says, "Try her on her mobile"?

Sorry!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, piss off. Just drop the call.

I don't know what you mean.

I don't know how to
express it in simpler terms.

Still sour?

Generally, yes.

About him having another women?

Couldn't give a shit.

So we're not going to do anything,
then, about the kitchen?

We're just going to sit and talk
about Rose's ex-husband.

Well, what do you suggest we do
about it?

If a member of a client family
had a kitchen like this,

we'd declare it unfit for human
habitation

and we'd order a section 17.

Quite right,
so why don't YOU go and tidy it up?

PHONE RINGS

Unless you're ringing to tell
me you've got terminal cancer,

please fuck off.

Oops, sorry, Rani.

No, I thought you were Lee.

I know it's complicated.
What am I talking about?

It's not complicated at all.

He's living with someone else,
right, and I was the last to know.

What, now?

Why?

OK, OK.

All right, I'll try and move some
stuff around. OK.

See you in a little bit. Bye.

Dear. A friend of mine is freaking
out about some sort of relationship

going on between a pupil and a
teacher at her daughter's school.

Why don't teachers learn
the basic rule?

Don't fuck the kids.

So you're going, then?

Well, it feels a bit weird being
here this time of the day.

I thought I'd go and see her, and
then come back at my usual time.

That's convenient, so you don't have
to clean the kitchen.

I do enough bloody cleaning at home.

Implying that I don't?
That's sexist.

I'm sure you spend a lot of time
at home cleaning sperm off walls.

Implying I'm gay?
That's homophobic.

No, implying that you masturbate
alone in an unfurnished flat.

Why don't we all just write names
down on a bit of paper

and then draw them out of a mug?

There's no clean mugs, Al, so...
Ah, yeah, but we could use this.

No, don't...

OK, I want that back
when we're done,

because I'm not being pen-jacked.

Just write a name down.

You are going to have to talk to Lee
at some point.

You do know that, don't you?

I can't do that right now

without using the word
shitface bollock brain.

Well, then, what's the problem with
him moving on, then?

Because I need to know what
I can tell the kids.

Is she a permanent fixture,
or is she just using him for sex?

No, that's not right.

I used to have to lay a trail
of Pringles to the bedroom

to get any action.

Right, let's draw. Drumroll, please.

Thank you.

DRUMROLL

Nitin!

ALL CHEER

Nitin.

What? It's you.

Right, I'm off, then.

That's not how it works,
though, is it?

You've got to keep drawing
out the mug

until the last one's left, and then
that's the person that does it.

It's your turn, so get on with it.
Well, I can't, I'm busy.

So... What you doing? I'm...

I'm doing 15 NGTs to
begin with, so...

Well, I'll swap with you,
if you like,

cos I've got a 10am
visit with the Campbells.

Is that the parents with
learning difficulties? Mm-hm.

No, I get impatient with them.

I feel guilty, end up staying
longer than I should

to make up for it,
which then annoys me more.

I think you might not be
temperamentally suited for this job.

Hi, Katy. It's Al.

From Children's Services.

Just come to see how you're doing.

Really well, thanks.

Dave's just feeding Saffron.
Oh, that's good.

You're sharing out the tasks.
Yeah.

Men can't do breast-feeding.

They don't have tits.

He can do food, though.

Well,
it's easier once they start weaning.

Weaning means giving them solids.

I know. Of course, sorry.

So how are you sleeping?

Um, not great.

She wakes up a couple of times
still.

Mm, yeah, I'm afraid that's normal.

You've got kids?

No.

How do you know, then?

Well, you know,
pick a few things up.

HE LAUGHS

Hello, gorgeous.

Look at those gorgeous eyes.

You're making me broody.

Have you got the red book?

I just want to check on her
percentiles,

you know, height and weight.

That's all fine. She's a good eater.

Yeah, I can see that.
What are you giving her?

Fish food. Oh, I don't think you
should be doing that.

It's not real fish food.

It's ice cream!

Oh! It's a bit early for...

No, I mean early
as in she's a bit young.

She loves it.

Yeah, I'm sure she does,
but it's a lot of sugar for her.

It's just like cold milk, isn't it?

Well, you should really be warming
the milk up.

I know.

Oh, milkshake!

You don't give her milk shakes?

Only as a special treat.

Please don't say for finishing all
her vindaloo!

You can't give a baby curry, Al.

No, I was joking.

I'm really not sure we should be
taking advice from you.

Neither am I!

Denise, good to see you.

I learned so much
just from watching you.

I'm only here cos my kettle's
on the blink.

Though it would probably be safer
to make my tea

using the hot tap in the toilet.

Yes, well, once I'm done,
you won't recognise the place.

Aren't you supposed to be
finding me people to sack?

Why are you doing this?

Yes, well, my name was called,
so I stepped up.

I'm a team player.

I'll do your dirty work - literally.

Are you offering to come and clean
my house? No, obviously.

No, but, er, unless you want me to.

But I, you know, yeah,

it's probably crossing the boundary
from professional to personal

if I come to your house, so...

But if you - if you want that,
you can use me however you like.

Whenever you're free, I can be free.

To...to...to do that.

I'm going to go, Nitin.

This whole conversation has very
strange overtones.

But you being in here

had better not be dropping our call
response targets.

My average handling time

and my average speed of answer rates
are off the scale.

You should probably check my blood
for midi-chlorians.

What? It's a Star Wars reference.

Midi-chlorians indicate heightened
force power.

Mmm.

Thanks for coming by so quick.

Any excuse to get out of the office.
What's happened?

Priya's been keen on this boy
at school.

It's been on and off.

I can't keep up with it but
apparently, now it's off,

because he's been sleeping
with a teacher.

According to Priya and her friends.

And Priya told you this, did she?

Well, not exactly.

I logged onto her Facebook chats.

When she's asleep, I get her phone
and see what she's been saying -

to check it's hormones and not drugs
or grooming.

That's like reading someone's diary.

You shouldn't really be doing that.

Look, apparently, Dan,
this boy she likes,

was seen kissing Miss Ronson
in the car park.

One of the girls saw condoms
in Miss Ronson's bag.

And how old is this Dan?

15 or 16.

That could be statutory rape as
well as massively unethical.

We don't know that they slept
together.

Rans, why are you backtracking?

It sounds really serious
and illegal.

It IS illegal!

I mean, it's child abuse.

You've got about 12 call-backs
to make. Right.

They're on your desk but off
the top of my head,

there's a woman who found a massive
knife in her son's room and...

Could you just give me a moment?

I just want to log a report first.

Nothing bad?

Look, can you not use post-it
notes for messages?

I thought this way, I could
colour-code things.

Well, what do the colours mean?

Well, red is urgent.

This is an enquiry about school
holiday dates.

Yeah, they need to book a flight now
before the cheap ones go.

What's this yellow one?

Kids on Redfern estate trying to put
a banger up a cat's arse?

Oh, that should be red,
cos it made me cross.

I don't know why that's yellow.

But that is police or fire brigade
or RSPCA.

Well, you should be happy
there's nothing for you to do.

Yeah, but I'm just concerned about
all the important things

that I should be getting that you're
sending Christ knows where.

I'm doing my best. Oh, great.
That's even more depressing.

So this is the best it gets, is it?

Ie, a bit shit.

I've had a really tough morning.

What, choosing post-it colours?

No, someone I care about has died.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

It's fine.

It's not fine, actually. Sorry.

SHE SOBS

You look ridiculous!
It was either this or the pipe.

What're you out here for? I'm
hiding. I was a bit short with Nat.

Oh, relax.

I mean, I have to restrain myself
twice a day from happy slapping her.

Oh, I was in a bad mood, anyway.
I saw this family this morning,

reminded me of Caitlin. Why,
was the woman an undermining cow?

Give us a drag.

No, it's just normally the things
we see in this job put you off

bringing kinds into the world,

but this family
were so sweet and caring and...

They were getting a few things
wrong, but the kid was gorgeous...

I dunno, I just thought I would've
had kids by now with someone.

Shouldn't we be getting in? Hm.

Any update on the teacher?

I'm sure it's just the kids
gossiping on Facebook.

Can't ignore it. What if it's true
and we did nothing?

I'll tell you what,

I'll put it on the agenda
in the management meeting.

What school was it? Glenway.

Oh, you'd better flag it up with
Denise, then, before the meeting.

Why? It's where her kids go, innit?

Sorry I'm late.
We're still waiting for Denise.

Train from Hades is a stopping
train. You stink of Cillit Bang!

Nitin, you shouldn't be here.

Yeah, but I finished cleaning the
kitchen. We'll cope. Bye, Junior.

Did you speak to her?

No, I didn't get a chance,
but, I mean,

it's not like I need to brush it
aside to spare her feelings.

OK, so, how were the Campbells?

Basically, they seem to be
doing everything fine,

except for the diet. They're feeding
the baby ice cream. At every meal?

Oh, no, it's more
an occasional treat.

I've come across some families

that feed their kids vodka
and methadone as a treat.

We need to ascertain if the
Campbells have capacity for care.

There was just mention
of the occasional ice cream

or milk shake, that's all.

It's not like
they're feeding him McDonalds.

Babies should not be having
ice cream at all!

In fact, kids should not be given

ice cream until they're
at least ten.

I would rather they smoke than be
given sugars like that.

Really? Yes!

OK, maybe not, but look,

they should be having
vegetable proteins - kale, quinoa.

What flavour was the ice cream?
Does it make a difference?

Well, if it was tutti frutti

they could be getting some of
their five a day.

Is the baby special needs? It's too
early to make an assessment. Why?

He's a fan of eugenics.

Oh, I love Annie Lennox.
Let PC Harris speak.

Special needs kids
tend to be more physical,

so baby might need the calories.
Burn them off.

Don't write that down, Natalie.

I'm a bit behind - I got stuck
on occasional.

Do the parents understand
the problem?

They understood that I thought
it was a problem.

I'm not sure that they shared my
concern. Well, that is a problem.

Right, we need to get the family

action support team to make
regular visits.

Use the acronym, Natalie.
That's the FAST team.

For which there's a four-week
waiting list.

God's sake! I'm only passing on a
bit of pretty trivial information

which means nothing in context.

What do you mean?

Here we have a couple with
learning disabilities who are making

a pretty good go of managing
their lives and bringing up a baby

despite Dickensian upbringings,
prejudice, discrimination,

beatings and a rape, so
let's just get our priorities right.

I didn't know. I'm so sorry. Poor
Katy.

It wasn't Katy. It was Dave.

It was the charge nurse
at his residential home.

I'll talk to a nutritionist.
Can we just move on?

OK. What is happening
about the O'Caughey boy?

Oh, the boy with a black eye,
the non-accidental injury?

Er, well, the parents
have both given statements,

but they are contradictory.

He goes to Pennyvale.
It's a very good school.

We nearly sent Dan there.
Very nice families.

How old is Dan? 16. Why?

No reason. 'Can I say something?'
Go ahead.

'In my experience,'

when you get contradictory
statements, someone's lying.

ALISTAIR: Fuck me.
Alistair!

It's just sometimes I think

he's just wandered in here
from a fancy dress party.

I'm sick of you taking the piss
out of me!

Yeah, well, I'm sick of you saying
stupid, stupid things.

Enough. I want the parents
re-interviewed and I want them

to explain
their differing accounts.

Now, Rose, you had a suspected case
of abuse at a school.

I jumped the gun a bit. Well, why
did you put it down for discussion?

It's potentially quite
a complicated case

and I've just got to dig
around a little bit more.

How do you propose to do that
working half days?

She was on time this morning.

Yeah, and when I'm not,
there's always a reason. Yes.

You have a lot of aunts who seem
to drop down dead as soon

as you set off for work.

Oh!

Bereavement.
She's a bit upset today.

GIRL: 'If you send that picture,

'then I'm going to send a picture
of your dick to your mum...'

Her son's called Dan, same name
as the kid who's supposed to be

"doing it" with the teacher.

"Doing it"? What are you, seven?!

Hey, look, Dan's a common name.
Might not be him.

I know, but I need to find out, OK?

Denise is my boss
and she already hates me.

I mean, imagine what it's going
to be like if I drag her and her son

into this situation for nothing!

Oh, hello, Mart. Who are they for?

They're for you. Lee rang,
asked me to bring them to you.

Ah.

Don't seem too pleased with me. No,
it's not you, Martin. It's Lee.

He's a 24-carat shit, using you
like this. Well, I don't feel used.

If anything, I feel under-used.

Speaking of which, is there anything
I can help you with?

Not really. OK.

Actually, wait.

Nitin, where did you put
that rubbish from the kitchen?

Triple-bagged in the bins outside.

Right, Martin, I'll give you 50 quid
if you fish 'em out and dump them

on Lee's doorstep. My pleasure.

And no charge. Oh,
and can you take a photo as well?

I need a new screen saver.

I understand you need cheering up.
Thanks.

It won't bring hm back, though. Was
it someone you really cared about?

Yeah, obviously.
Who mourns strangers? Yeah, sorry.

He might come back, though.
It's happened before. It's unlikely.

Only once, and with Jesus,
and that's in dispute.

No, Caleb died at the end of season
five but he came back for seven.

He lost his memory
after the crash...

Excuse me - are you talking about
a character on TV?

Yeah. I'm actually OK about people
dying in real life.

You get, like, a funeral
and proper mourning,

but when it's a character
you love,

all you have are
the episodes you've already seen.

Shouldn't really do that.

Use Martin as a pawn in this fight
between you and Lee.

The friend she's mourning,
it's in a TV series. Actor?

Character.

Fuck me. I worry about her.
How does she feed herself?

And for the record,
Lee used Martin before me.

It's very professional. You just
paid him to fly-tip your ex.

This is a man who's had some
serious problems. Not any more.

Who invited Chief Wigham
to join the conversation?

No, seriously, Martin isn't ill
any more. Cop a load of this.

Where did you get this?
Found it in the kitchen.

Martin's fit to return to work? Yep.

GP's given him a clean bill
of health. Bloody hell!

Has Denise seen this? She must've.
She dropped it. It was open already.

Apparently, it's the third letter
that's been sent.

She's done nothing about it
for a month?

I mean, I bet she doesn't even
want him to come back to work

cos he's on such a high pay scale.

Yeah, well, I was going to keep it
quiet but then she kicked me

out the meeting and busted me
back down the ranks, so...

You're so noble, Nitin. Al, we need
to talk to Denise about this.

Sorry, I'm off out. I've got an
errand to run. You should do it. Me?

I've got to discuss
the possibility

of a pupil at her kid's school
fucking a teacher.

I'm not bringing Martin up as well!
How could she do this to him?

Serve her right if it is her son!

Nitin, you found the smoking gun.

The onus is on you
to do something about it.

No, no, cos Martin's your friend,
so you do it.

I'm going to tell Denise
you grassed her up.

Fairness, integrity, diligence...

Does the police oath mean nothing
to you? OK, I'll do it.

So, did you all just put my name
down for the draw?

It's no conspiracy.
It's just...instinct. Good luck.

RINGING

Got a few bits...
Hey! Hello.

Al...Al, we don't need this stuff.
No, you do.

It'll just save a lot of faff.

There's a few pointers
in there for you.

If the nutritionist sees this stuff,
it'll just calm everyone down.

We went shopping this afternoon.

This is all organic.
How did you know what to get?

We asked.

KNOCKING

Denise, can I bother you
for a second? You already are.

Earlier, I found something
when I was cleaning the kitchen.

What did you find, Nitin,
a personality?

No, it was a letter. And?

Well, it, um...

I'm sitting here about to start
bleeding from my eyes

as I try to deal with another 5% cut
to the budget on top of

the 20% cut we've already had, so
I'm really hoping this is important.

No. No, no.

I mean, that's my point, um...
I think for the sake of the planet,

we should make a move
towards digital communication.

That was why you interrupted me?

Yes. Well, no...
It would be a saving...

from the old, um...

I don't understand.

Why did you ring him and tell him
someone was breaking into his car?

So that he would rush out
and...whoops!

THEY LAUGH

Like I said, no charge. I know what
an absolute weasel he's been.

All good with Denise? Yeah, done.
She's all over it, so...

No need to mention it, though.
She was a bit embarrassed. OK.

Show me it again, Mart. OK.

Whoops!

Tell you what, let's go for a beer,
OK, then we can watch it on a loop.

You up for that? Well, I shouldn't,
but I will. Come on, then.

Green Dragon? Yeah.

Yeah, I'll...I'll meet you there,
cos I'm just going to...

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