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1
00:00:17,255 --> 00:00:18,822
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:18,865 --> 00:00:21,199
Somebody left an application
for So You Think You Can Dance
3
00:00:21,211 --> 00:00:22,612
on the printer?
4
00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:23,920
Not me.
5
00:00:23,961 --> 00:00:26,229
Mine.
6
00:00:26,275 --> 00:00:27,275
You can dance?
7
00:00:27,314 --> 00:00:30,183
I think I can.
8
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,531
Show me.
9
00:00:39,854 --> 00:00:41,321
No, you can't.
10
00:00:41,364 --> 00:00:43,231
Surprise!
11
00:00:43,241 --> 00:00:44,575
Hey, honey!
What are you doing here?
12
00:00:44,582 --> 00:00:46,716
Uh, I've got some bad news.
13
00:00:46,762 --> 00:00:48,563
I just talked to my sister.
14
00:00:48,573 --> 00:00:50,273
And she's going
through a rough patch.
15
00:00:50,282 --> 00:00:51,983
Oh. Oh, no!
What's happening?
16
00:00:51,992 --> 00:00:53,759
And tell him the long
version, thanks.
17
00:00:55,748 --> 00:00:58,750
Well, things are a little rocky
with Joaquin.
18
00:00:58,766 --> 00:00:59,933
Oh, why?
19
00:00:59,939 --> 00:01:03,375
Did she "Joaquin" on him
with another woman?
20
00:01:04,399 --> 00:01:06,833
And her
21
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,348
ceramics business hit
just a bit of a snag.
22
00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:10,728
Aw, that's so weird.
23
00:01:10,736 --> 00:01:12,670
I heard she
was "kiln it."
24
00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:20,848
Oh, I love when he does
that with words.
25
00:01:20,895 --> 00:01:22,496
Oh...
26
00:01:22,538 --> 00:01:24,072
your sister.
27
00:01:24,114 --> 00:01:26,315
Yes, my sister.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
28
00:01:26,327 --> 00:01:28,595
Uh, she needs me right now,
so is it okay
29
00:01:28,607 --> 00:01:30,308
if I just go visit her
for a few days?
30
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:31,785
Uh, and the kids are gonna be...
31
00:01:31,827 --> 00:01:32,993
They'll come with me.
32
00:01:33,034 --> 00:01:34,634
Is that okay?
Yeah, yeah.
33
00:01:34,643 --> 00:01:36,611
Well, you know, you need
to be there for your sister.
34
00:01:36,621 --> 00:01:38,155
As do the kids.
35
00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:39,865
Thanks for understanding.
Okay, yeah.
36
00:01:39,874 --> 00:01:41,508
I'll call you when I get there.
Yeah.
37
00:01:41,550 --> 00:01:44,619
Nubbins, nubbins, nubbins, nubbins, nubbins
38
00:01:44,668 --> 00:01:46,068
I'll miss you.
All right, I'll miss you.
39
00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:47,377
I miss you already.
40
00:01:47,385 --> 00:01:48,885
All right, I love you.
41
00:01:48,927 --> 00:01:50,827
I love you.
42
00:01:50,838 --> 00:01:54,274
Yeah! Yeah!
43
00:01:54,326 --> 00:01:56,393
First time alone in five years!
44
00:01:56,438 --> 00:01:58,272
Yeah!
45
00:01:58,282 --> 00:01:59,983
Yeah!
46
00:02:00,025 --> 00:02:02,293
Yeah!
Yeah!
47
00:02:04,217 --> 00:02:05,384
See that, n...
Yeah!
48
00:02:05,391 --> 00:02:06,591
Now he can dance!
49
00:02:06,631 --> 00:02:09,133
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
50
00:02:10,654 --> 00:02:13,690
♪ Daddy took me to the zoo
51
00:02:13,739 --> 00:02:15,740
♪ Na, na, na, na ♪
52
00:02:15,784 --> 00:02:19,754
♪ Just to see
something brand-new ♪
53
00:02:19,808 --> 00:02:21,809
♪ Na, na, na ♪
54
00:02:21,854 --> 00:02:26,057
♪ So many stars up in the sky
55
00:02:26,078 --> 00:02:30,548
♪ So many questions have I
56
00:02:30,571 --> 00:02:32,672
♪ Na, na, na, na ♪
57
00:02:32,684 --> 00:02:34,303
♪ Daddy took me for a ride.
58
00:02:34,312 --> 00:02:38,397
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
59
00:02:38,418 --> 00:02:40,319
Yeah, no wife!
60
00:02:40,329 --> 00:02:41,629
No kids!
61
00:02:41,636 --> 00:02:44,304
Yeah, yeah!
62
00:02:44,318 --> 00:02:47,187
Oh, God, what do I do, Eli?
What do I do?
63
00:02:47,236 --> 00:02:48,937
First time
I'm home alone in-in years.
64
00:02:48,946 --> 00:02:50,079
I don't know what to do.
65
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,287
Oh, my gosh.
66
00:02:51,327 --> 00:02:53,962
You can, you can, you can do
whatever you want.
67
00:02:53,976 --> 00:02:56,644
Yeah!
Alcohol, video games, pornography.
68
00:02:56,692 --> 00:02:58,326
Pornography.
69
00:02:58,335 --> 00:02:59,568
Yeah.
70
00:02:59,575 --> 00:03:02,177
Yeah, you got
any DVDs I could borrow?
71
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:04,959
DVDs?
Yeah.
72
00:03:04,973 --> 00:03:06,173
Here, uh, this flash drive
73
00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:07,748
has every porn ever made
74
00:03:07,757 --> 00:03:09,457
up until this morning.
75
00:03:12,015 --> 00:03:13,616
Hey, Warner?
Yeah.
76
00:03:13,624 --> 00:03:15,491
I heard Camila's gonna be
out of town.
77
00:03:15,502 --> 00:03:16,602
So I guess
78
00:03:16,642 --> 00:03:17,742
it's just the two of us, huh?
79
00:03:17,749 --> 00:03:19,932
When the cat's away.
80
00:03:19,961 --> 00:03:21,395
Uh-huh.
81
00:03:21,437 --> 00:03:24,580
By the way, the cat ran away
this morning.
82
00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:26,123
No.
83
00:03:26,165 --> 00:03:27,932
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You know what?
84
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,842
You know, this is
my week home alone.
85
00:03:29,887 --> 00:03:31,420
So, you know,
you-you take this money.
86
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,896
And you go to a hotel.
87
00:03:32,904 --> 00:03:34,645
Yeah!
All right.
88
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:36,682
Okay.
89
00:03:38,436 --> 00:03:40,404
What? Wait a minute.
That works?
90
00:03:40,415 --> 00:03:42,416
Hold, hold... hey, hey,
uh, Dad, Dad, Dad ?
91
00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:45,662
You will go to a hotel.
92
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:51,063
I will go to a hotel.
93
00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:56,456
And you will not come back.
94
00:03:56,510 --> 00:03:59,278
Oh, yes, I will.
95
00:03:59,292 --> 00:04:00,759
Mm-wah!
96
00:04:02,611 --> 00:04:04,679
All right, listen up.
97
00:04:04,691 --> 00:04:06,292
We are going to act
98
00:04:06,334 --> 00:04:08,535
like a couple
of corporate hotshots
99
00:04:08,546 --> 00:04:10,247
and get a ton of free perks.
100
00:04:10,257 --> 00:04:11,691
Follow my lead.
101
00:04:11,732 --> 00:04:12,732
Hi.
102
00:04:12,738 --> 00:04:14,038
Hello.
103
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,580
I am Crawford Whittemore.
104
00:04:16,628 --> 00:04:18,862
Vice president
of Whittemore Industries.
105
00:04:18,874 --> 00:04:22,210
And this is my longtime partner,
106
00:04:22,227 --> 00:04:25,396
David Sachs.
107
00:04:25,446 --> 00:04:27,414
Your partner?
Mm-hmm.
108
00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:29,292
We've known each
other 30 years.
109
00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:30,669
30 years?
110
00:04:30,711 --> 00:04:31,978
Wow!
Yup.
111
00:04:32,018 --> 00:04:33,752
You two are an inspiration.
112
00:04:33,761 --> 00:04:35,929
And I will bend over forward
to make sure
113
00:04:35,941 --> 00:04:38,709
you get everything you need.
114
00:04:38,758 --> 00:04:41,993
Don't you mean backward?
115
00:04:42,044 --> 00:04:44,345
No.
116
00:04:44,390 --> 00:04:47,626
Well, we just want to get on
up to the room,
117
00:04:47,643 --> 00:04:49,777
hang that "Do Not Disturb" sign
on the door,
118
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:52,758
and get right down to business.
119
00:04:52,806 --> 00:04:54,741
Yes, sir.
120
00:04:59,781 --> 00:05:01,515
Wow! You believe
this place?
121
00:05:01,525 --> 00:05:03,626
A Jacuzzi tub,
a canopy bed.
122
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,738
Where's your bed?
123
00:05:05,749 --> 00:05:07,516
It has a full wet bar.
124
00:05:07,526 --> 00:05:09,828
Where's your bed?
125
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,508
Got a gift basket
of-of condoms.
126
00:05:12,522 --> 00:05:16,058
Where's your bed?
127
00:05:16,077 --> 00:05:17,778
"Jeb Rodrigo's
128
00:05:17,787 --> 00:05:20,688
Gentlemen's Lubricant."
129
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:25,001
They think we're gay.
130
00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:28,332
What could possibly have
given them that idea?
131
00:05:28,382 --> 00:05:31,284
You told them we were longtime
partners who wanted... Yeah?
132
00:05:31,299 --> 00:05:34,535
to rush up to the room
and get down to business.
133
00:05:34,585 --> 00:05:36,453
Knock, knock.
134
00:05:36,496 --> 00:05:38,898
Complimentary caviar
and champagne
135
00:05:38,944 --> 00:05:41,646
for our VIGPs.
136
00:05:43,404 --> 00:05:46,272
Oh, the "G" stands for "gay."
137
00:05:48,366 --> 00:05:51,368
Oh, my God.
138
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,085
Ooh.
139
00:05:53,128 --> 00:05:55,930
This gay lifestyle really
melts in your mouth.
140
00:06:00,974 --> 00:06:02,174
Well, it is pretty nice.
141
00:06:02,214 --> 00:06:05,850
Well, what do
you say, partner?
142
00:06:05,903 --> 00:06:07,804
"Free couples massage."
143
00:06:07,814 --> 00:06:10,082
Well, as gay men must say a lot,
144
00:06:10,094 --> 00:06:11,694
I'm in.
145
00:06:13,246 --> 00:06:14,580
All right, well,
the first thing you do
146
00:06:14,587 --> 00:06:15,787
when your wife
is out of town,
147
00:06:15,794 --> 00:06:17,962
you look up
old girlfriends on Facebook.
148
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,524
Why would I want to see what
old girlfriends are doing
149
00:06:22,534 --> 00:06:23,867
if I'm a happily married man?
150
00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:24,975
'Cause it's fun.
151
00:06:24,981 --> 00:06:26,415
You can see if they got fat.
152
00:06:26,423 --> 00:06:29,592
Or if they married
people that are fat.
153
00:06:31,285 --> 00:06:32,852
You know,
or if they had kids...
154
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,062
that are fat.
155
00:06:35,074 --> 00:06:37,442
I don't care...
156
00:06:37,455 --> 00:06:38,722
I don't know, no.
157
00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:39,795
Come on, come on!
158
00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:42,770
Let's look up,
uh, Judy Stone.
159
00:06:42,786 --> 00:06:44,120
Oh, my God!
160
00:06:44,127 --> 00:06:46,128
She shot herself in 2008.
161
00:06:49,592 --> 00:06:51,660
The chicken stew!
162
00:06:51,705 --> 00:06:54,173
It have message for Mr. Warner.
163
00:06:54,220 --> 00:06:56,288
No, Edna, no.
164
00:06:56,299 --> 00:06:58,066
Not this again.
165
00:06:58,075 --> 00:06:59,809
What?
166
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,788
Edna reads the chicken bones
in her stew.
167
00:07:02,804 --> 00:07:06,106
And she thinks that it can
predict the future.
168
00:07:08,034 --> 00:07:10,469
Well, has it ever been right?
169
00:07:10,482 --> 00:07:13,184
Chicken stew predict 9-11.
170
00:07:13,198 --> 00:07:16,900
No one listen
when I call Pentagon.
171
00:07:20,675 --> 00:07:23,577
Well, what does it say about me?
172
00:07:23,626 --> 00:07:26,461
This chicken stew say
three things.
173
00:07:26,509 --> 00:07:29,727
Oh, that is some
chatty stew.
174
00:07:29,762 --> 00:07:33,565
Number one...
you get something for nothing.
175
00:07:33,618 --> 00:07:37,454
Come on!
That is pretty generic.
176
00:07:37,507 --> 00:07:39,609
Number two...
177
00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:43,430
a redhead will ruin your life.
178
00:07:43,476 --> 00:07:47,245
Oh, my God,
it's already coming true.
179
00:07:47,298 --> 00:07:49,682
Sorry.
180
00:07:49,712 --> 00:07:53,448
You make baby
with your father's face.
181
00:07:59,436 --> 00:08:02,472
I'm gonna make a baby
with my father's face?
182
00:08:06,041 --> 00:08:08,676
What does that even mean?
183
00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:10,358
Chicken stew say,
184
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:12,368
"This interview over."
185
00:08:21,077 --> 00:08:22,911
Yeah! Yeah!
186
00:08:22,921 --> 00:08:24,422
I shot you in the throat!
187
00:08:24,431 --> 00:08:25,531
Yeah, why don't you cry
188
00:08:25,570 --> 00:08:27,271
about it, stupid bitch?
189
00:08:27,281 --> 00:08:30,216
Oh! Oh, why don't you get
your mommy?
190
00:08:30,231 --> 00:08:32,800
Ooh, yeah! Yeah.
191
00:08:32,814 --> 00:08:34,347
Oh, no, don't-don't-d-don't...
192
00:08:34,355 --> 00:08:35,422
Hi, ma'am.
193
00:08:37,004 --> 00:08:40,640
No, I'm s...
I-I-I didn't know he was eight.
194
00:08:40,659 --> 00:08:43,595
Well-well, I'm only nine.
195
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,077
It's open!
196
00:08:45,119 --> 00:08:46,620
Hey, oh!
Hey!
197
00:08:46,628 --> 00:08:49,797
This place looks great!
This place looks disgusting.
198
00:08:49,847 --> 00:08:51,114
Warner, it's Tuesday.
199
00:08:51,121 --> 00:08:52,321
Even though
your family's gone,
200
00:08:52,328 --> 00:08:53,728
you still have
to come to work.
201
00:08:53,736 --> 00:08:55,904
Honestly, I forgot I had a job.
202
00:08:55,950 --> 00:08:57,851
Here, this was in
the driveway.
203
00:08:57,894 --> 00:08:59,628
Oh, I don't subscribe
to the newspaper.
204
00:08:59,671 --> 00:09:00,805
Oh, my God!
205
00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:02,011
What?
206
00:09:02,051 --> 00:09:03,652
"You'll get
something for nothing."
207
00:09:03,661 --> 00:09:05,161
Edna's prediction came true.
208
00:09:05,204 --> 00:09:06,271
No...
Yes!
209
00:09:06,277 --> 00:09:08,811
What are you talking about?
210
00:09:08,858 --> 00:09:12,794
Edna has a chicken stew that she
thinks can predict the future.
211
00:09:12,848 --> 00:09:14,249
I know that stew.
212
00:09:14,257 --> 00:09:16,258
It once told me I was
gonna cause a car accident.
213
00:09:16,269 --> 00:09:17,336
And then I did.
214
00:09:18,985 --> 00:09:20,618
I don't think yo horrig
215
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:22,595
has anything to do
with the stew.
216
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:26,919
Oh, you got onto Facebook.
All right.
217
00:09:26,931 --> 00:09:28,399
Yeah, you know,
I had a question.
218
00:09:28,407 --> 00:09:31,409
Does everyone have to post
pictures of everything they eat?
219
00:09:31,425 --> 00:09:33,125
Yeah.
220
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,207
Who's Maria?
221
00:09:35,213 --> 00:09:36,580
She keeps poking you.
222
00:09:36,621 --> 00:09:38,856
Oh, Maria?
Your crazy ex Maria?
223
00:09:38,901 --> 00:09:41,770
Yeah... she-she posted a picture
of a, of a cranberry muffin
224
00:09:41,785 --> 00:09:43,986
that looked good,
so, you know, I "liked" it.
225
00:09:43,998 --> 00:09:46,399
And then, uh, 14 pokes later,
here we are.
226
00:09:46,412 --> 00:09:50,048
By-by-by the way,
what does poke mean?
227
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,135
Uh, how can
I explain that?
228
00:09:52,146 --> 00:09:54,614
If a guy pokes another
guy, then it's like,
229
00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:56,562
"Hey, how are you?"
230
00:09:56,605 --> 00:10:00,107
And if a girl pokes
a guy, it's like...
231
00:10:00,126 --> 00:10:02,407
"Oh,
you fancy a cranberry muffin, sir?"
232
00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:12,120
Forget about shiatsu.
233
00:10:12,130 --> 00:10:15,299
I'll take he-atsu any day.
234
00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:17,350
I've never been so relaxed.
235
00:10:17,361 --> 00:10:19,996
Sorry about those farts.
236
00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:22,678
Sir, that's a compliment.
237
00:10:22,692 --> 00:10:25,160
Like an Arab burping
after a meal.
238
00:10:25,173 --> 00:10:27,041
Speaking of which,
your complimentary breakfast
239
00:10:27,051 --> 00:10:28,251
will be here shortly.
240
00:10:28,291 --> 00:10:29,825
But we didn't order it.
241
00:10:29,868 --> 00:10:31,001
Oh, I did.
242
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,207
Well, that's stupid.
243
00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:34,182
It'll be cold
by the time we're done.
244
00:10:34,226 --> 00:10:36,594
Why do you always find fault
with everything I do?
245
00:10:36,641 --> 00:10:39,509
Because you're wrong
all the time.
246
00:10:39,558 --> 00:10:41,125
Like when?
247
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:42,701
Like the movie
you picked last night.
248
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:45,077
I'm an adult staying at a hotel.
249
00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:48,092
I don't want to watch Rango.
250
00:10:48,141 --> 00:10:50,243
Marriage, huh?
251
00:10:50,254 --> 00:10:51,420
What?
252
00:10:51,427 --> 00:10:53,896
Married...? No, no, no.
We're not marr...
253
00:10:53,942 --> 00:10:54,975
Uh...
254
00:10:55,015 --> 00:10:56,582
Oh, uh, sorry, honey.
255
00:10:56,624 --> 00:10:58,592
That's all right.
256
00:11:00,011 --> 00:11:02,580
Hmm, well, look who's back.
I'm not back.
257
00:11:02,593 --> 00:11:04,594
I'm just getting
pretzel rods.
258
00:11:06,617 --> 00:11:07,883
Oh, hi.
259
00:11:07,890 --> 00:11:09,291
Can I help you?
I'm actually looking for...
260
00:11:09,332 --> 00:11:11,900
Warner!
261
00:11:11,914 --> 00:11:13,181
Maria.
262
00:11:13,222 --> 00:11:15,523
Oh, my God, I thought
you lived in Boston.
263
00:11:15,535 --> 00:11:17,803
Why-why are you here?
264
00:11:17,849 --> 00:11:19,583
Uh, honestly, you.
265
00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:20,926
I was so excited
that you liked
266
00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:23,069
my cranberry muffin,
I thought I'd bring you one.
267
00:11:24,689 --> 00:11:28,425
You flew, you flew 3,000 miles
to give me a muffin?
268
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,079
Actually, I flew 2,000.
269
00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:32,655
The last thousand I hitchhiked.
270
00:11:32,703 --> 00:11:35,204
God, that sounds dangerous.
271
00:11:35,252 --> 00:11:37,253
It... it is.
272
00:11:38,504 --> 00:11:41,473
So, are you free
for dinner tonight?
273
00:11:41,521 --> 00:11:44,023
Oh, no, uh...
274
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,871
No, I-I can't, you know?
275
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:48,182
I got the, uh, I got my house
to myself tonight.
276
00:11:48,194 --> 00:11:50,996
And I was gonna, I was gonna go
home and-and look at pictures
277
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,578
of my beautiful wife
278
00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:54,487
and kids.
279
00:11:54,531 --> 00:11:57,800
And then turn in
at, like, 4:00 p.m.
280
00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:59,251
That's perfect.
281
00:11:59,259 --> 00:12:01,294
I know where you live.
282
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,281
I'll come by and take pictures
of you eating my muffin.
283
00:12:05,294 --> 00:12:07,629
Then you'll post it on Facebook,
and I'll like it.
284
00:12:07,642 --> 00:12:11,011
Then I'll take a picture of you
liking it, I'll post that,
285
00:12:11,028 --> 00:12:12,662
we'll tag each other,
and then boom!
286
00:12:12,671 --> 00:12:16,240
60 likes, minimum!
287
00:12:16,259 --> 00:12:18,627
Oh, my God, it's' so amazing!
288
00:12:18,673 --> 00:12:20,241
Oh, my God.
289
00:12:20,249 --> 00:12:22,050
Eli, help me.
290
00:12:22,093 --> 00:12:24,327
Uh, hey, hey, hey.
291
00:12:24,339 --> 00:12:25,640
Maria?
Huh?
292
00:12:25,681 --> 00:12:27,882
Hey, there's no need for
you to go to his house.
293
00:12:27,893 --> 00:12:30,095
Ever.
294
00:12:31,347 --> 00:12:32,981
Yeah, maybe you should
go to a restaurant.
295
00:12:32,990 --> 00:12:36,526
Where there's witnesses
and security cameras.
296
00:12:36,578 --> 00:12:38,746
How's 8:00 sound?
Oh, great.
297
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:39,725
Great!
298
00:12:39,730 --> 00:12:41,597
8:00.
299
00:12:41,642 --> 00:12:44,043
I don't want your muin.
300
00:12:44,089 --> 00:12:46,591
Okay.
301
00:12:48,146 --> 00:12:51,281
I can't believe all
the free stuff we keep getting.
302
00:12:51,332 --> 00:12:53,366
I know. No wonder
so many people
303
00:12:53,377 --> 00:12:55,912
choose to be gay.
304
00:12:59,915 --> 00:13:01,549
Oh, wow.
305
00:13:01,592 --> 00:13:05,094
I'd like to bite down on that
and have it drag me to death.
306
00:13:07,896 --> 00:13:09,997
We have a problem.
307
00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:12,810
Those two aren't gay.
308
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,792
Yeah, I think you're right.
309
00:13:14,802 --> 00:13:17,804
I used all my finger
powers on them.
310
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:19,121
Even gave them
311
00:13:19,128 --> 00:13:22,864
my patented
inner thigh mash.
312
00:13:22,884 --> 00:13:25,752
Nothing.
313
00:13:26,941 --> 00:13:28,108
Bar's closed,
314
00:13:28,147 --> 00:13:30,148
faux-mos.
315
00:13:31,199 --> 00:13:33,567
We're not faux-mos.
Yeah.
316
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:36,982
We're on
our homosexual honeymoon.
317
00:13:38,710 --> 00:13:41,378
Shh. Don't tell God.
318
00:13:42,968 --> 00:13:44,903
I can't wait for everyone
to see my coleslaw.
319
00:13:44,946 --> 00:13:47,781
It's gonna blow up.
320
00:13:47,796 --> 00:13:50,765
Do you guys mind if I have a
few minutes alone with Warner?
321
00:13:50,814 --> 00:13:52,281
Alone? No.
322
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,757
I-I think we should cherish
this moment with friends.
323
00:13:54,805 --> 00:13:56,806
Oh sure, we can go
make out in the car, right?
324
00:13:56,849 --> 00:13:57,983
Yeah, if we're
in a closed garage
325
00:13:57,990 --> 00:13:59,523
and the engine is running.
Ooh.
326
00:13:59,566 --> 00:14:01,533
Wait, please stay?
327
00:14:01,543 --> 00:14:02,844
Be right back.
328
00:14:02,852 --> 00:14:05,220
Waiter, could I... uh,
would you like to join us?
329
00:14:05,232 --> 00:14:06,499
Warner?
Yeah, yeah.
330
00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:08,541
There's something
that I need
331
00:14:08,552 --> 00:14:10,520
to talk to you about.
332
00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:12,397
I didn't realize
when we were dating,
333
00:14:12,442 --> 00:14:14,643
but you were the best man
I'd ever meet.
334
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:17,290
Life hasn't gone the way
that I thought it would.
335
00:14:17,336 --> 00:14:19,170
I'm almost 40, still single.
336
00:14:19,180 --> 00:14:20,814
All the guys I dated were jerks.
337
00:14:20,858 --> 00:14:22,859
Except for you.
338
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:24,003
You are the kindest,
339
00:14:24,009 --> 00:14:25,676
most ethical person
I've ever met.
340
00:14:26,893 --> 00:14:28,693
Okay, I'm a, I'm a happily,
341
00:14:28,703 --> 00:14:31,172
happily, happily...
342
00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:32,518
Oh, I don't want you
to leave your wife.
343
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,427
You don't? 'Cause phew.
344
00:14:35,879 --> 00:14:39,281
I just want to have a baby,
and I need some of your sperm.
345
00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:41,033
What?
346
00:14:41,076 --> 00:14:44,445
What did she say, Howard?
I'm not wearing my hearing aid.
347
00:14:44,463 --> 00:14:46,464
Sperm!
348
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:53,362
Maria, I'm not, I'm not gonna
have intercourse with you.
349
00:14:53,415 --> 00:14:54,915
Oh, no, no, no!
Nothing like that.
350
00:14:54,924 --> 00:14:56,992
I-I know how much
you love your family.
351
00:14:57,003 --> 00:14:58,737
And I just want
the same for myself.
352
00:14:58,780 --> 00:15:00,414
You'll never see the child.
353
00:15:00,457 --> 00:15:01,857
No one will ever find out.
354
00:15:01,898 --> 00:15:03,666
No, I-I can't. No.
355
00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:05,043
I am not leaving this city
356
00:15:05,050 --> 00:15:07,051
without drops of you
in my purse.
357
00:15:10,516 --> 00:15:12,617
You make baby
358
00:15:12,628 --> 00:15:14,762
with your father's face.
359
00:15:17,322 --> 00:15:20,458
Hey, nice restaurant!
360
00:15:26,344 --> 00:15:28,345
You said yes?!
361
00:15:30,939 --> 00:15:32,706
Well, what else
was I supposed to say?
362
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:36,218
No!
363
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:39,038
Eli, she's crazy and she was
doing the crazy person cry.
364
00:15:39,052 --> 00:15:40,119
With the eyes...
365
00:15:40,158 --> 00:15:42,226
Ew.
366
00:15:42,272 --> 00:15:44,172
Yeah, no, I just wanted
to end the conversation.
367
00:15:44,182 --> 00:15:47,351
Which is actually sort of the
same reason why I got engaged.
368
00:15:47,402 --> 00:15:50,537
Edna, what does
the chicken say?
369
00:15:50,587 --> 00:15:52,988
It say, "Cluck, cluck."
370
00:15:54,577 --> 00:15:56,979
Sometimes chicken
371
00:15:56,992 --> 00:15:59,026
just chicken.
372
00:15:59,070 --> 00:16:02,406
Eli, what am I gonna do?
373
00:16:02,423 --> 00:16:05,091
She said she's not leaving
town unless she has it.
374
00:16:05,105 --> 00:16:07,407
And she definitely
can't be here
375
00:16:07,419 --> 00:16:08,786
when my wife gets back.
376
00:16:08,827 --> 00:16:10,795
This is your fault.
You got to help me out.
377
00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:13,917
I got it!
378
00:16:13,924 --> 00:16:16,092
When is sperm
379
00:16:16,104 --> 00:16:18,839
not sperm?
380
00:16:25,626 --> 00:16:26,726
When?
381
00:16:26,766 --> 00:16:30,702
When it's not sperm.
382
00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:33,257
Okay, so why did you
pose the question
383
00:16:33,271 --> 00:16:36,407
like it's an exciting riddle?
384
00:16:36,456 --> 00:16:38,490
No, you're right. Let's just
saeverhing in life
385
00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:40,236
in the most boring way possible!
386
00:16:41,922 --> 00:16:43,823
Mr. Eli?
387
00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:47,302
What is a sperm?
388
00:16:47,353 --> 00:16:49,855
It's the, it's the liquid
389
00:16:49,869 --> 00:16:52,637
that made all your babies.
390
00:16:52,685 --> 00:16:53,751
Oh.
391
00:16:53,758 --> 00:16:55,759
Tequila.
392
00:17:03,750 --> 00:17:05,917
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Look at this!
393
00:17:05,963 --> 00:17:07,663
They're charging us
for all those perks.
394
00:17:07,672 --> 00:17:09,807
We can't pay this.
395
00:17:09,852 --> 00:17:12,087
How'd they figure out
we're straight?
396
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:14,100
I can't believe
we were "inned."
397
00:17:16,089 --> 00:17:18,824
Okay, there is still
one thing we can do.
398
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:21,173
What are you doing?
They're coming around
399
00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:22,954
with their turndown service...
400
00:17:22,963 --> 00:17:24,296
Yeah?
401
00:17:24,304 --> 00:17:26,839
...and we, my friend,
are gonna convince them
402
00:17:26,852 --> 00:17:28,052
that we are gay, okay?
403
00:17:28,059 --> 00:17:31,896
Follow my lead.
404
00:17:31,916 --> 00:17:33,816
Oh! Look at that
405
00:17:33,826 --> 00:17:36,795
65-year-old penis!
406
00:17:36,844 --> 00:17:39,279
I am enjoying
your gay touch!
407
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,594
Oh, yes!
408
00:17:41,606 --> 00:17:45,208
Your droopy butt
is my paradise!
409
00:17:45,261 --> 00:17:46,594
Oh, oh...
410
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:48,102
Why aren't you
saying anything?
411
00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:50,045
This is what I do
during sex.
412
00:17:50,055 --> 00:17:51,622
Stare coldly in the distance
413
00:17:51,631 --> 00:17:53,465
and think of Wonder Woman.
414
00:17:53,475 --> 00:17:55,009
Look...
415
00:17:55,017 --> 00:17:57,919
do you want to pay
the 750 bucks?
416
00:17:59,041 --> 00:18:00,542
Touch my butt!
417
00:18:00,550 --> 00:18:02,484
Just a little bit
to the left.
418
00:18:02,528 --> 00:18:04,029
Oh, yes!
Yeah, let's keep having sex!
419
00:18:04,037 --> 00:18:05,404
That's just the way I like it!
No girls allowed!
420
00:18:05,445 --> 00:18:08,280
Penis style! Oh, oh!
Yes, yes, yes!
421
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:10,497
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
422
00:18:10,542 --> 00:18:13,477
Yes! Yes...
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
423
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,661
Uh-oh!
424
00:18:21,238 --> 00:18:23,706
You really think
we can fool her
425
00:18:23,753 --> 00:18:26,021
by making fake sperm?
426
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,567
Yeah, why not?
427
00:18:27,609 --> 00:18:29,309
Eli, this is stupid.
428
00:18:29,319 --> 00:18:30,553
I don't want to do this.
429
00:18:30,593 --> 00:18:32,761
Okay, well, in that case,
430
00:18:32,773 --> 00:18:34,440
then you can tell Camila
you agreed
431
00:18:34,449 --> 00:18:36,617
to give your ex-girlfriend
your sperm.
432
00:18:39,580 --> 00:18:42,081
We can make fake sperm, yeah.
We can make fake sperm.
433
00:18:43,335 --> 00:18:45,235
♪ Ooh
434
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,915
♪ Weird science
435
00:18:47,962 --> 00:18:49,329
♪ Plastic tubes
and pots and pans ♪
436
00:18:49,371 --> 00:18:51,839
♪ Bits and pieces
and the magic from the hand ♪
437
00:18:51,852 --> 00:18:54,186
♪ We're making weird science
438
00:18:54,198 --> 00:18:56,867
♪ Things I've never
seen before ♪
439
00:18:56,881 --> 00:18:59,249
♪ Behind bolted doors, talent
440
00:18:59,295 --> 00:19:02,464
♪ And imagination,
weird science ♪
441
00:19:02,481 --> 00:19:04,816
♪ Not what teacher said to do
442
00:19:04,861 --> 00:19:07,796
♪ Making dreams come true,
living tissue, warm flesh ♪
443
00:19:07,812 --> 00:19:10,481
♪ Weird science, ooh
444
00:19:10,495 --> 00:19:12,896
♪ Plastic tubes and pots
and pans, bits and pieces ♪
445
00:19:12,908 --> 00:19:16,144
♪ And bits and pieces
and my creation ♪
446
00:19:16,194 --> 00:19:18,162
♪ Is it real?
447
00:19:18,206 --> 00:19:20,674
♪ It's my creation, ooh
448
00:19:20,687 --> 00:19:24,857
♪ My creation,
it's my creation ♪
449
00:19:29,304 --> 00:19:31,272
♪ Weird science
450
00:19:36,581 --> 00:19:38,916
♪ Weird
451
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,735
♪ Weird science, ooh
452
00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:49,414
♪ Magic and technology
453
00:19:49,423 --> 00:19:51,424
♪ Voodoo dolls and chants...
454
00:19:59,651 --> 00:20:01,118
Ah! Thank God you're here.
Hey.
455
00:20:01,127 --> 00:20:02,894
I was afraid you
changed your mind.
456
00:20:02,937 --> 00:20:04,804
Oh, no, I was just, uh,
457
00:20:04,815 --> 00:20:06,516
actually taking
extra time to pick out
458
00:20:06,525 --> 00:20:10,228
all the best little sperms.
459
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,747
Why are you here?
460
00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:13,257
It's my cooler.
461
00:20:14,908 --> 00:20:16,275
This is so incredible of you.
462
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,217
You're one of a kind, Warner.
463
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:19,828
Yeah, they broke the mold.
464
00:20:19,837 --> 00:20:21,771
Broke that mold.
Ow.
465
00:20:21,781 --> 00:20:22,981
I want to use the mold!
466
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:24,889
Well, you can't.
Too bad. It's broken.
467
00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,068
Thank you, Warner.
468
00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:29,814
I can't wait till this grows
into a beautiful man.
469
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:31,263
Just like his papa.
470
00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:35,982
It'll be worth the painful and
expensive insemination process.
471
00:20:35,998 --> 00:20:38,200
And the horrible thing
that happened
472
00:20:38,212 --> 00:20:40,646
to me hitchhiking
on the way here.
473
00:20:41,732 --> 00:20:42,966
You know what?
I'm so...
474
00:20:42,973 --> 00:20:44,173
I'm-I'm so sorry.
475
00:20:44,180 --> 00:20:45,513
I'm so sorry. I-I-I...
476
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,455
I can't let you do this.
477
00:20:47,499 --> 00:20:48,799
What? Why?
478
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,407
No, just trust me.
Y-You need to give it back.
479
00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:51,729
No, you're
just having cold feet.
480
00:20:51,758 --> 00:20:53,025
Okay, I'm sorry,
I-I can't let you do this.
481
00:20:53,032 --> 00:20:54,332
You-you got to give it back.
482
00:20:54,372 --> 00:20:56,540
No seriously, give it back. Give it back.
Stop. No, no!
483
00:20:56,585 --> 00:20:58,987
You know, it's flattering
that people even thought
484
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,401
I could get a guy like you.
485
00:21:01,414 --> 00:21:03,682
Don't sell yourself short.
486
00:21:03,694 --> 00:21:07,330
You've got great legs and
gorgeous chestnut eyes.
487
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:10,451
They're blue.
488
00:21:10,467 --> 00:21:12,535
Don't ruin the moment.
489
00:21:15,396 --> 00:21:16,395
Oh!
490
00:21:35,273 --> 00:21:37,192
Bananas foster?
491
00:21:38,861 --> 00:21:41,877
You will make a baby
with your father's face.
492
00:21:43,862 --> 00:21:45,115
I'm sorry I doubted you.
493
00:21:45,122 --> 00:21:47,746
This is the gayest thing
I've ever seen.
494
00:21:52,158 --> 00:21:58,157
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
495
00:21:58,207 --> 00:22:02,757
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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