All language subtitles for Dads s01e10 Dad .eng

Dads is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, uh, do you know any
good place to get Thai food?

I said, "Can you recommend
a good Thai restaurant?"

- And you're asking me.
- Yeah. Obviously.

Why me?

Because you have a cousin
named Wai Mi.

- Warner, Eli's being racist.
- Eli, stop being racist.

Veronica won't give me
Thai restaurant recommendations.

Veronica, give Eli
Thai restaurant recommendations.

But I don't eat Thai.
Everything tastes like spicy pets.

Now you're being racist.

You're not racist if you're
making fun of your own race.

Hey, hey. Let's just leave what's racist
up to the white media, okay?

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Dad, I just bought this conditioner
yesterday. How did you already use it all?

Don't ask questions you don't want
to hear the answer to.

Did you eat the last
of the cereal?

And the last of the eggs?

I lost a lot of protein
in the shower.

How you drink so much coffee
then snore all day?

- I don't snore.
- S?, you snore.

You tilt your big fat head back,

open big fat mouth

and make sound
like big fat Jewish donkey.

You're on the phone all day,
yakkata bappita, cinco de cinco.

What do you even talk about?

"I'm vacuuming.
What are you doing?"

"Vacuuming."

You make that up.

This is the worst episode
of Crossfire ever.

Listen, Dad, from now on, no more
eating my food without my permission.

What are you doing?

Oh, if you want something, you can just
come down to my office and ask for it.

You can't lock the fridge.
I need food to live.

I know.

This not a good time.

Vacuuming.

- Dad, wake up!
- Ah!

You almost set yourself
on fire, Crawford.

Well, never mind that. I just
dreamed a million dollar idea.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know how so many
of our parents are dead?

Oh, cha-ching.

Okay, what if there was
a service where you could call

and have two people who look
vaguely like your dead parents

come over and hang out?

Just imagine, uh, the thrill
o-of playing catch

with a-a stranger who,
if you take your glasses off,

could be your dad.

Would he come and fall asleep on
the couch with a lit cigar in his mouth

- ...like you just did?
- I'm sorry, Smokey the Bear.

That's how I do
my best thinking.

Okay, what if the cigar caught the couch
on fire and the flames hit the scotch?

What am I, a scientist?

Okay. If you fall asleep just one more
time with a lit cigar in your mouth,

I will take bug spray and a lighter and
I will set you on fire myself. Okay?

I'm gonna do it.

Well, it sounds like you might soon
be in the market for a look-alike dad.

Dad, this just says "Business."

Yeah. It's from a board game.
The others say "Pleasure" and "Sex."

Hey.

Those are the carnitas that
Edna made special for me.

You don't want something eaten,
don't leave it in the fridge.

But... h...
How did you...

They haven't made the refrigerator
I can't break food out of.

By the way, I refilled the ice tray.
You're welcome.

Dad, there was a clean towel in here
when I left this morning.

You mean this one? Sorry,
I'm saving it for my shower.

No, no. I gave you towels.

Whenever you use mine,
they wind up looking

like they're from
a World War I hospital.

I don't even know what
bodily fluids are those colors.

It's the black blood
from my toes.

You should be getting that
in about six years.

Give me the towel, Dad.
It's mine.

I'll only use one side.
The rest is all yours.

Both sides are mine.

Give me the towel.

Edna! Stop him before he gets
to the bathroom!

Copy that, boss!

I don't want to kill you,
Edna, but I will.

Edna laughs at death.

Nice work, Edna. Thank you.
Give me the towel, Dad.

- No. No. No.
- You give me that towel, Dad.

Give me the towel.

Fine!

Ooh, my head!

Dad, are you okay?

Ooh. He need towel.

Hey, come on.

I can't believe the emergency room
took all those other people before me.

Dad, a cable car
tipped over.

People lost limbs.
You got two stitches.

Still, I signed in first.

- Hey, I got your text.
- Hey.

David, how are you feeling?

I feel like "shut up
and give me my painkillers."

Here, here. My goodness.

- Here, David, wash it down with this.
- Uh, no.

No, no, no. No, no, Dad.

You're not supposed to
drink alcohol with... Okay.

Now, I find if you do everything
the prescription label says not to,

it works better.

Double the "don't" s,
triple the buzz.

- Eli Sachs?
- Yes.

- I'm Special Officer Silverton.
- Immigration!

Won't you please come in?

Um, I'm sorry,
Officer Silverton.

It's just a little chaotic.

My dad bumped his head;
we spent the night in the E.R.

I know.

When there's an injury involving
an elderly parent,

we're automatically
sent to investigate.

Ma'am.

You'd be surprised
how many children

are driven
to commit acts of violence

against their elderly parents.

What? You think that I did this?

Oh, my gosh, believe me,

if I had wanted to hurt my dad,
he wouldn't even have a head.

Right? Like...

Well, I'm glad I didn't mention that
anything you say can be used against you.

Because now I'm going
to use that against you.

Whoa, whoa, hey,

you're not going to find
a more caring son than Eli here.

- Thank you, buddy. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.

- Who chained the refrigerator shut?
- Eli!

But, uh, in his defense, his dad
ate all of his eggs and he was...

- Going to cut his head off?
- Yeah. No.

- No, no...
- No! No, I would never do that.

Dad, tell him.

Man, that whisky pushed my
painkillers into high gear.

You allowed your father
to take narcotics with alcohol?

Oh, come on, what's the big deal?
My son does that all the time.

He says it's easier to have me
unconscious and out of his hair.

That's crazy.
I love you in my hair.

Yeah, I wish his wife did.

She wants to make a flamethrower
out of bug spray and set me on fire.

Okay, that's a threat
of bodily harm.

By law, I have to remove you
from the premises.

What, like, we're
under arrest?

No, I need to remove your fathers
and relocate them to a safe place.

Wait, so-so we-we get
to stay here?

Uh, actually,
I don't care what you do.

My job description is not
"Scumbag party planner".

Will we get new identities?
I've always wanted to be "Nick".

- Well, if he says it's safe...
- Well, if you have to.

- I mean, laws are laws.
- Yeah.

- Take them away.
- Yes.

- Did that just actually happen?
- I mean...

Oh, my God!

- Let's hang out, man, yeah.
- Watch a movie or something.

Edna, why are you hiding?

Eli, there is a chance
I may not be legal.

Wh-What kind of chance?

100%.

This is crazy. You just let them
take your dads away?

No, no, no, we did everything we could.
We said "Hey"...

...And stuff like that.

You don't even know
where they took them.

Sure we do, away.

Yeah, so don't tell us
we don't care.

Warner, he's your father.

Oh, don't get all
"he's your father" on me.

You're the one who threatened
to set him on fire.

You pushed this
into felony territory.

Hey, hey. This isn't about
whose fault it is, okay?

We all know
whose fault it is.

It's about just once
not hearing my dad's theory

that Sully Sullenberger
crashed his plane on purpose.

Yeah, or my dad's theory that John F.
Kennedy actually committed suicide.

I just... I don't understand how you
guys are not out looking your dads.

I mean, our cat was missing
for half an hour

and you were all over town
looking for it.

Honey, Bootsy was like family.

Wait a minute.
Bootsy ran away?

But you told me that she went
to live with a rich lady in a castle.

- It's okay, Eli.
- Don't touch me.

Oh, my gosh. What a beautiful
dad-free morning.

Oh, it was so nice not
to wake up at 5:30 a.m.

with a blast of I Love Lucy,
followed by someone yelling,

"Women aren't funny!"

It's so great not coming home
to a 68-year-old man

stuck in your doggy door.

Wait... so your dads are just
gone and you guys don't care?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We'll clear all this up and get 'em
back in a couple of weeks,

or however long it takes
to fill out the one-page form.

- Right, yeah.
- Well, don't wait too long.

Elder foster care is crazy.

I saw this thing on the news where they
drugged them and fed them dog food.

Hey, some of that dog food
on TV looks pretty good.

Like that one with
the real chunks of sirloin.

I mean, I know it costs more than
regular dog food, but I'm worth it.

"Elderly foster
care abuse."

Oh, my God... Wait,
look at these pictures.

Wow, she's right.

Oh, gross.

Oh, no, this lady's got
a smile on her face.

Wait, that's
not her face.

Oh, my God.

Hey, what if... some sadistic monster
is torturing our dads right now?

- We get it!
- Yeah.

We get it,
you're nice people.

Welcome home.

This is great.

The only time I get hugged at home is
when they're pushing my hernia back in.

- Just the woman.
- Oh! Uh, yeah, right.

Hey, Donny and Marie,
where's the bathroom?

Oh! Tinkle Center
is right over here.

That's the Royal
Flush 3000.

Well, then, you've got quite
the fecal eye, mister.

You could put a loaf of
French bread down that thing

and find it bobbing in the ocean,
not even bent.

Mind if I take
her for a spin?

Oh, sure. Just-just don't flush
it while you're still on it.

It'll suck
your heart out.

It already has.

You know, I once made the mistake

of telling a talking parrot
my credit card number.

$8,000 and
two court cases later,

I have a newfound respect
for the animal kingdom.

Yeah. You know, animals
instinctively want to entertain us.

That's why bears love riding
bicycles while being whipped.

Well, you're a hoot.

Yeah...
you guys sure are,

and I gotta tell you, "hoot" is
the highest compliment we give.

It's true. I've only met three
hoots in my entire life,

and I'm looking
at two of 'em.

Well, uh, excuse me,
where are your, uh, coasters?

Coasters?

You are an enormous
silly goose, mister.

You just put your drink
wherever you want.

Really?

See, we like having
rings on our furniture.

It reminds us of all the nice older people
we've had the privilege of sheltering.

This was Gus. His daughter hit him
over the head with a snow shovel.

He sure hated Christmas.

All right, this is Earl.
Earl's daughter water-boarded him.

That's horrible.

Well, they actually got
some pretty useful information.

All right, California
has so many weird town names.

I know! "Vista del Negro."
Can they even have that sign?

How much further away is it?

The, uh, the Find-a-Phone app
says five miles.

I-I can't get some of those
abuse images out of my head.

Ugh, right? Especially
that one with the, uh...

- Yeah.
- Or-or the ones with, uh...

- Oh, God, don't remind me.
- How about that one with...

- No, I didn't see that one.
- I didn't see that one.

Nobody better be sewing our dads
together to make a human centipede.

Actually, you need three
to make a human centipede.

Oh, you're right.
I'm so embarrassed.

Well, I am never gonna fight
with my dad again.

He can even walk in on me having sex
and I'm not gonna yell at him to leave.

Really? You're going to let
your dad watch you having sex?

Well, he never came to my Little League
games. It's kind of the same thing.

Not really.

Well, the point is, we are gonna be
the most loving and tolerant sons ever.

Hear, hear.

We're never gonna be like that.
No, no.

But even us just talking about it
makes us the most awesome sons ever.

- Hear, hear.
- Yeah.

- No, no, no, no. Turn off here, here.
- Oh.

- Rocky.
- Black Swan.

- Rocky 2.
- All That Jazz.

- Rocky 3.
- Footloose!

Uh, The Last
Temptation of Christ.

Ice Castles!

- Yes, Ice Castles!
- Yes!

- Yes, yes! Oh, you got it!
- Yes!

- You're so good.
- No, you're the good one.

- Good.
- You're the good one!

- I know.
- You're the good one.

- Uh, who's next?
- All right, David, you are up.

- David!
- Go, David.

Come on,
David, come on.

- Come on.
- Here we go.

All right.

- Apollo 13.
- No.

Okay.

Again, you're not supposed to just
say the title out loud, but you...

You know, I'm gonna give
you a point anyway

'cause this time, you didn't
just throw it into the fire.

What can I say?
I'm having fun.

All right, you sickos,
get away from our dads!

Warner, check to see they
haven't been sewn together.

Oh, I can... I can kind of
see that they haven't.

David, Crawford,
stand behind me.

I will protect you like a panty
shield of righteousness.

And I have put a a fresh pea
in my rape whistle,

so it'll be good and loud,
I guarantee you that.

- It's okay. We got this.
- Yeah.

What are you doing here, Eli?

Dad, listen... I'm sorry
that we fought before.

You mean more to me
than most of my towels.

And Dad, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.

It's just, Camila and I worry so much
that you're gonna destroy our home,

business, and children, that we, uh...
we-we overreact.

So come on, we're taking
you guys out of here.

We'll sort it out with Social
Services in the morning.

- Let's go.
- No, thanks.

- What do you mean?
- We like it here.

And we are no longer
a burden to you.

Wait... come on.
This isn't about your happiness.

This is about our guilty conscience.
So let's go.

They haven't even met their roommates.
They're a couple of hoots.

Now you're up to four hoots
and you've lost my trust.

Wait a minute.
What roommates?

Us.

Who the hell are they?

Our mothers.

I'll take Country Club,
you take Bowling Alley.

Yeah.

They moved in a year ago
for "just a few days."

Wait a minute. You're trying
to fix up our dads with your moms?

We need someone to marry them
to get them out of our house.

Yeah.

- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Hey, not so fast.

My secret garden
needs tending.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Dad, Dad, Dad.
You can stop saying that.

We've been driving
for a half hour.

I'm sorry, I'm just
so full of adrenaline.

Yeah, I can't believe
you hit that woman.

Yeah.

I feel like Sean Connery.

I'm still not sure
that was a woman.

Excuse me, I'm here...

Hang on, I'm not done with this story
about Kelly Clarkson finding true love.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you say
you were hot?

I'm just here to inspect
your fire extinguisher.

Oh, I better help you.
It's really hard to find.

- There it is.
- Hmm?

Uh... yeah, that...
that might be it.

All you guys
are so brave.

I-I have a cousin who's a fire
fighter in Vista Del Negro.

Oh, well, I love
Vista Del Negro.

I live one town over
in Yorba Vulva.

We're back!

Operation Rescue Dads From Nice People
With Creepy Moms was a huge success!

So you guys enjoying
having your dads back?

Yeah. And the neighbors missed my dad's
robe blowing open when he gets the paper.

Yeah, my dad flooded
the bathroom this morning

trying to flush a loaf of French bread
down the toilet.

He just kept flushing and yelling,
"You can do it! You can do it!"

Speak of the devil.

Hey. Hey, hey!
What's going on?

Mr. Eli, your father won't
let me watch my favorite show -

The Real Housewives
of Guadalajara.

I want to watch
Homeland.

Always same!

"I crazy, I crazy..."

Ka-boom!

Guys, we live in the future.
We can DVR both shows.

- What?
- ?Que?

Okay...

Inmagracion!

They never take Edna alive!

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