All language subtitles for Dads s01e05 Oldfinger.eng

Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

Ooh, oh-ho-ho!

What are we celebrating?

Well, Dan's stepdaughter
just made varsity golf.

Oh, my gosh, yay,
that's so great!

Who's Dan?

I think
he's Hawaiian shirt guy.

Oh, Hawaiian shirt.

What a fresh take on fun.
Yeah.

Hey, why is it every time we get
the smallest bit of good news,

- you insist on having a party?
- Well, here's a reason.

Uh, I never get to have
a birthday party.

- Why not?
- When's my birthday?

September 11th... Oh!

Terrorists stole my special day.

Hey, Warner, these
are great cold cuts.

David, did I ever tell you

my idea for "warm cuts"?

Well, they're just
like cold cuts, except...

- Warm.
- See? You get it.

All right, guys,
to honor this occasion,

I would like
to pleasure you orally.

With a fine cigar.

Oh. Mmm.
Oh!

Uh, do not light those.

Why not?

I don't like the smell.

Why, does it remind you

of the men
you used to dance for?

You look like
a tough cartoon baby.

Besides, you shouldn't
be smoking today.

You two have your physicals

for the company insurance
policy tomorrow.

Oh, I don't want
to do the physicals, come on!

I'm fine, he's fine.

We're fine, we're all fine.

Yeah, we're all fine,
everybody's fine.

Will you just cover for us for a little bit?
Where are you going?

We're gonna go upstairs
and smoke these.

Well, you can't just leave.
It's the middle of a workday.

Could we leave if there was
a death in the family?

Well, yeah.

All of our aunts just died.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

Now this is how
successful men celebrate.

What we celebring?

Oh, our, uh-uh,
coworker's stepdaughter

made the varsity team today.

Well, my nephew
crawl to America

in a sewer pipe today.

Welcome
to Estados Unidos, Miguel.

Miguel!

You know, I used to smoke

five of these a day
down at the Pan Am board room.

Then they realized
when the smoke cleared,

I didn't work there.

That sounds like
a lot of smoking.

When was your last physical?

Oh, let me see.

Well, Warner, when was
that-that AIDS craze?

Dad, again,

AIDS was not a "craze."
Okay.

All right, it was
no hula hoop,

but it got people talking.

Hey, maybe you guys should come
with us when we get physicals.

I don't need a doctor.

The leading cause of death

in our family is Nazis.

Yeah, we don't
need doctors, okay?

Everybody's fine.

Well, you're really scared
of the doctor, aren't you?

They have skeletons in the room.

Don't worry, Mr. Warner.

Skeletons only come
alive at night.

Come on.

Let's go get
our speed bags squeezed

by some old Jewish dude.

Your temperature is...

98.6.
98.6?

Oh, my gosh, we're
already finishing

each others' sentences.

I feel really good about
what's happening here.

Okay, I'm just gonna
put this in your mouth.

Now you're stealing my lines.

All right, Warner,
I'm gonna listen to your heart.

Okay, okay, I have to warn you,

I'm-I'm-I'm pretty ticklish.

I'm sorry. Okay, okay...

I can't listen when you laugh.
I know, I know, sorry.

Okay, you can do it.
Okay, I'm ready.

I'm ready, okay, yeah, okay.
Ready? Okay?

Oh, my God! Okay.

I should just do it myself.

Yeah.
Okay.

Okay.

Okay, Warner, you can do this.

Don't laugh, don't laugh.

Dead kittens, dead kittens,
dead kittens.

Okay, I'm ready.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

Actually I had one that lasted
more than four hours,

and I almost called you.

Hearing or vision loss?

No, sore wrist.

So, any questions?

Have you seen the movie,
Tin Cup?

- No.
- Then I have no questions.

I have your results, which I'd
like to read to all of you.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

What about doctor-patient
confidentiality?

Eh.

David and
Crawford,

I have bad news.

I'm afraid your sons
are in terrible shape.

What?!

I hate it here.

Crawford and David, whatever
you're doing, keep doing it.

Hmm.
H-He eats food

off the ground
after parades.

People get excited.
They drop things.

You two need to take a page
from your fathers' books.

You have the same genetics.

Just do what they do
and come and see me in a week.

Oh, wait, sorry.
Next week?

Isn't there a way
to just sign the insurance form

and then we can...

I can't do that.

It goes against
my professional integrity.

Ah, okay.

Doctor, can I take
these pills

I found here
in the cushions?

Sure.

But don't drink on those.
Wink, wink.

So, let me get this straight.
Your dads passed the physical

and you two did not?

Well, it's not like a course
that you can take pass-fail.

- So then how'd you do?
- We failed.

I-I don't get it.

All I do is work out,
drink water

and eat women's
energy bars.

Now I got to take health tips
from my dad.

I know. And all they do is sleep, drink
and go to the bathroom.

They're like drunk babies.

Morning.

Dad, it's 4:00
in the afternoon.

Ah, well, then it's
time for a cocktail.

Guys, we don't have alcohol
in the office.

Hmm. What do you
have at your house?

Beer. What do you got?

Gin, scotch, rye,
bourbon and tequila.

Can I go to Crawford's house?

All right.

Mwah!

Wait a minute. You know what?

That's exactly
what we should be doing.

What do you mean?
Kissing each other on the mouth?

No.

No. No, no. We should be doing
what they do.

The doctor said that
they're healthier than we are.

Oh. I know
that's what the doctor said,

but I don't want to take lessons
from my dad.

Lesson one:

What you put in your body
in no way affects your health.

Dad, you are always complaining
about stomach pain.

Stomach pain is a way to tell
you that your body is working.

I stuff myself with
Chinese food, I feel terrible,

I know I'm healthy.

You eat this junk

all the time and then you're
in the bathroom all day.

How much time are you spending
on the can every day?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Dad, I have to work.

I can't spend all day
in the bathroom.

Yes, you can.
If people aren't enraged

with how long
you've been in there,

you weren't in there
long enough.

How do I know when's it okay
to come out?

When you leave that bathroom
shaking like a newborn deer,

you're done.

All right, Warner,
now that you've had

your first hammock
brandy, how do you feel?

I feel
like a dizzy millionaire.

Excellent.

Now we should put
something in our stomachs.

And I want you to write this next part down.
Okay.

Look at this,

wheat germ,
Greek yogurt,

skim milk.

These are the things that are
blocking my dessert wine.

Do you ever eat food?

Of course.

My diet is 70% schnitzel,

20% food court teriyakis

and, at the top
of the pyramid, fudge.

How are you still alive?

Ah. The fudge attracts
the germs,

the alcohol sterilizes them

and then the fat escorts them
out the back door

in a jellied mess.

You know what?

We're talking about this,

and we're not even having
a conversation beer.

Okay, so you're just
always drunk.

Hey, remember,

you're never drunk
if you're always drunk. Hmm?

Lesson two...

How is just sitting here,
watching TV good for you?

I'm not just watching TV.

I scream at it.

That's my cardio.

Here. Turn
to any channel.

I'm not buying insurance
from any reptile!

Get out of that hurricane,
Anderson Cooper,

you fake hero!

Hey, Simon Cowell,

get a bra!

Okay. You try.

Uh, you should've not shaved
that mustache, Alex Trebek...

I thought you were serious
about this.

Come on, mean it.
Sorry.

Die, Oprah!

Too far. Try again.
Too far.

That's not dancing!

Those aren't stars!

There you go.

That does feel better.

Sure does.

And remember, with cardio,

anyone can be yelled at.

Hey, Edna!
Put that Chinese food

in the freezer
before it gets rotten!

I'm not a slave!

You put in yourself,

you...!

And she yells back,

so we're both exercising.

She just burned off a churro.

Okay.

Good workout, Mr. David.

Ooh!

Um, where have you been?

Work started
two hours ago.

There was a free pancake
breakfast

at Saint Mary the Blessed Heart.

You're Jewish.

Yeah, but who can tell?

Everyone.

Here, take a look at these
landscapes

for Tropic of Murder.

Oh, those are terrible colors.

No, too many volcanoes.

Those trees are stupid.

Oh, my God, I think
I'm leaking syrup.

I really hope I'm leaking syrup.

So, everything good?

Very good.

You and Eli turned
this around in a week.

Great.

Speaking of
turning around...

Huh?

I need to do
a prostate exam.

Oh... yeah...

Yeah, I'm not good at that.

No, maybe I can e-mail you
a picture.

Just relax, come on.
No, I...

No, I don't want... I don't want to.
Just relax, come on.

Just relax, relax.
Okay.

Okay, okay, but, uh,
just be gentle, okay?

I-I've never had anything...

Oh, my God!

Almost done?

Uh, Doctor, you're,
you're really thorough.

Doc?

What happened?

Oh, my God, Doctor.

He's dead.

Well, at least he died
in the line of duty.

What do you mean
he's dead?!

He was just
giving me an exam!

Yeah, he still is.

Well, g-get him out of there.

I can't.

Eli, Eli, get in there.

Let go.

I can't.

He's right, it's an
involuntary reflex.

It's called a
peristaltic contraction.

Is that normal?

Not at all.

Well, can't you
give him something?

Only the doctor
can do that.

Well, he's with a patient
right now.

I'll go get some help.

Okay.

Eli, are you
still here?

Yeah, still here, buddy.

How long is this gonna take?

Well, it took 'em
60 days

to get those coal miners
out in Peru.

We may need to drill
a second hole.

Oh, boy.

Did, uh, did you guys
try pulling it out?

Uh, yeah,
we tried pulling it out.

That's the first thing we tried!

Well, I can't do it.

The equipment for this kind
of thing is in New Orleans.

How do you not have this
equipment in San Francisco?

Oh, my God, Warner,
baby, are you okay?

No.

Wait a minute.

Warner?

Warner Whittemore?

Yeah.

Rob Davies, 11th grade, man,
Model U.N.

Oh, what's up, Rob?

Man.
Yeah... yeah.

Wait a minute.

Rob Davies?

Camila.
Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Ooh... wait,
you guys are married?

Yeah, we got two kids now.

Ooh.
I know.

Warner, you are
a lucky guy.

Great to see you.

Come here, girl.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, God, your hair
smells the same.

Oh, stop.

Excuse me, I, I kind of have
a little situation over here.

Whoa.

Hands Across America.

You know what?
I've got an idea.

You know
those Chinese finger traps

where you have to push in
to pull out?

Let me try something here, okay?
No, no, no, no, no.

I no clean that.

In the name of the Father
and the Son and the Holy Ghost,

let us all say "Amen."

Amen.

You're going to be fine.

We see a lot of this
at the church.

Oh, my God, Howard!

I begged him to retire,
but he was so into his work.

Did he suffer?

Did he suffer?

May I just have a moment alone
with my husband?

Oh, ok-okay.

All right, Warner.

I'm going to give you
a mild sedative

to relax your muscles.

You may feel a slight poke.

Oh, don't worry,
he can handle it.

Doc, uh, how long does
it take for the...?

Oh, there it is, okay.

You're all beautiful people.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, I'm reading
the doctor's obituary,

and ironically he went to Brown.

Hey.

Hi, Warner, I didn't
expect to see you in.

What do you mean?

Why, w-why
wouldn't I be in?

Oh, you mean
because of yesterday?

No, I'm fine,
I'm fine.

Well, it was worth it.

The insurance was approved,
and you don't have

to have another physical
for two years.

Good, okay, yeah,
just remind me.

Wait, so ha-have you gotten over
your fear of doctors?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you know,
having a doctor die inside me

made me realize
how silly I've been.

Um,

I got your e-mail; Your
desk is all set up.

Oh, good, okay.

Are you sure you want
your desk this way?

Yep.

Well, your shoe's untied.

You want to bend over
and get it?

Nope.

Are you just going to stand like
this for the rest of your life?

Yeah.

Well, buddy, you'll always be
number one to me.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0