Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing? I'm busy.

I've decided I'm ready to start dating again.

Forget it, richard. You had your chance with me.

Not you. Someone else.

All right, fine, I'll go out with you.

No. I realized

It's never going to happen with new christine.

Last time we made love, I looked into her eyes

And saw that she had absolutely no feelings for me.

Ah, that's so sad.

I know. I couldn't take it.

I had to turn her over.

Oh, gross!

God, is that why you came over here,

To put that image in my head?

No, that's only 20 percent of the reason.

I want you to fix me up with someone. Oh, forget it.

Find your own dates.

Come on. If you set me up, I'll find a date for you.

I don't need it. I already have kind of a boyfriend.

He's your therapist, he's not your boyfriend.

You know what, you are always so negative.

"he's your college professor, not your boyfriend."

"he's your uncle, not your boyfriend."

I think it might be healthy for you to go out with someone

Who's not treating you or related to you.

Or, in the case of your uncle, both.

All right, but if we're

Going to do this, we have to do this right.

We have to be specific

About what we're looking for, okay?

So what are you looking for?

Hot. Oh, god.

You are so shallow. What are you looking for?

Rich.

What are you doing?

I'm moving some of my stuff over to the apartment.

Hey, what was my nose hair trimmer doing in your bathroom?

Oh. That's for your nose?

Hey, guess what?

We're setting each other up on dates.

Hey, guess what? That's a really stupid idea.

It makes perfect sense.

No one knows each other better than we do.

Yeah, it's true. I mean, we're so close

We practically finish each other's... Sandwiches.

Not "sandwiches," "sentences."

Did you finish my sandwich?

I thought you were done with it.

No, you idiot!

I can see where this is going.

You two nuts are going to end up together.

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Richard, this is possibly

The most evolved thing we have ever done.

Setting each other up on dates. I mean, if we had done this

When we were married, we'd still be together.

Yep.

Oh! One of them's here.

Oh! How do I look?

Old. How do I look?

Bald. Let's do this.

Hey, tracey. Come on in.

Tracey, this is richard. Hey, nice to meet you.

You were wrong. He's cute.

Nice to meet you, too, tracey.

Uh, christine, may I speak to you for a second?

Of course. Yeah, just...

One second. One second.

She's awesome!

Thank you so much!

Oh, sure.

That must be your guy.

Oh, my guy!

Christine, you remember tom.

Oh, I sure do.

So sorry I'm late, but when I left

The flower shop, I was followed

To my car by a... By a swarm of bees.

And I got stung and I'm allergic.

And my, well, my throat, uh, it closed up, and...

Well, the paramedics said I was about 30 seconds away

From death.

If memory serves correctly, the lady likes begonias.

Uh, well, those are hydrangeas.

And it's actually lilies, but...

Thank you.

Oh, it's okay. It's no big deal.

At least I, I got to see

My dead grandma for a few moments.

Yeah. Uh, richard, could I talk to you just for a quick sec?

Yeah. One sec. Okay.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I've already been out with this guy twice.

We have zero chemistry.

I got you a model with a tramp stamp

That says, "you're welcome""

And you get me that?!

Come on. You didn't even try. I asked

Over two dozen guys.

I put signs up at all my construction sites.

I even opened an eharmony account for you

And I got one nudge.

From a cannibal in germany.

And even he wanted to see another picture.

Tom was my only option.

Well, did you keep the number of the cannibal?

Hey, is anyone else hungry?

I'm starving. I hope you like italian.

I made reservations at the best restaurant on the west side.

Oh, il finelli? Il finelli.

Hey, you know what? I just started the zone diet,

So I brought my own food.

You know, and, uh, I'm trying really hard not to be a bad boy,

So if, if I reach for your dessert,

Promise you'll slap my hand.

Yeah, I can guarantee you that.

I hope you guys don't mind if I just dig in.

You know, 'cause that adrenaline shot that the paramedics gave me

Left me a little light-headed.

Well, thank god they got to you in time.

So christine tells me you're a model.

No, I'm not a model.

I just model a line of pilates clothes I designed.

Love pilates.

It's given me a really strong pelvic floor.

Well...

I'm a contractor, so if I ever remodel a pelvis,

I'll get the name of the guy who did your pelvic floor.

You know, I think there is nothing more sexy

Than a guy with a good sense of humor.

That and nice arms.

Well, I don't know about the last part.

Christine, you're wrong.

I don't think he's a dumb-ass at all.

You're wrong.

I'm going to go use the ladies' room.

Richard, could you show me where it is?

Yup.

I'm not sure, but I think they like each other.

Christine, could you show me the way to the men's room?

Okay, look, tom.

Uh, I'm going to say this in the nicest way

That I know how.

I am not attracted to you in any way,

Either physically or emotionally.

And my goal tonight is to get through this dinner

Without stabbing richard in the heart

For setting me up with you.

That was the nicest way you know how?

You know, I'm not trying to be mean, but I mean,

We tried this before and it didn't work.

I don't want to waste your time.

It's not a waste of my time.

I love being around you. Why?

I think you're wonderful and we'd be good together.

Yeah, but I don't find you attractive at all,

Either physically or...

You mentioned that already, yes.

I know, but it's fine.

I am, I am attracted to you enough for both of us.

Yeah, and I would never, under any circumstances, have sex with you.

Well, then I will have sex with me enough for both of us.

Look, I...

The thing is, I have plenty of time and plenty of money,

But I don't have anyone to share it with.

And I, I just want you to be that person.

And all you have to do in return is just let me take care of you.

Well, tom, I'm... I'm very flattered,

But I'm a feminist.

And the one thing I pride myself on is my independence.

That and my cleavage.

Well, this isn't the shirt to show it off,

But I actually have quite fine cleavage as well.

I forgot you're kind of funny.

Well, kind of funny's kind of nice, right?

So, what do you say?

Well, you're going to have to give me a minute.

I mean, I can't just jump into a relationship

Before I've even ordered dinner.

So, this is the ladies' room.

I always wondered what went on in...

Here.

Oh, my god! I...

Oh, I've been robbed!

Oh, my furniture!

Oh, my tivo!

Oh, ritchie! Ritchie!

Ritchie!

Calm down. Come on.

He's sleeping. He's sleeping.

Were you here?

Oh, did they violate you?

I, I told you I was taking the rest of my stuff

Over to the apartment.

What?! What are you

Talking about?

All that stuff wasn't yours.

Yes, it was. When I moved in here, all you had

Was a beanbag chair and a card table.

It looked like crap.

In fact, it looked like this.

This is unbelievable.

I have accumulated nothing in my 35 years on this planet.

What planet were you on for the other 35 years?

Shut up!

You took my bed?

No, it was my bed,

But I left the pillows.

Too many tear stains on them.

I brought ritchie's old bed in from the garage.

You know what's pathetic?

That I don't flinch anymore when you hand me your bra?

I had an offer tonight from richard's friend, tom,

To take care of me, and I said no.

And you know why I think I said no? Pride.

Oh, keep thinking.

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe I should've said yes, but there's just no spark.

Spark is overrated.

You and richard had spark.

It turned into a wildfire that consumed

Four lives and blackened 12 years of marriage.

Why don't you start acting like an adult?

Why? What do adults do?

They're practical.

They-they value things like companionship

Over physical attraction.

Well, tom is kind of funny

And he, he makes a decent living,

And has decent breath, and...

I mean, can I really date a guy

With the exact same shoe size as me?

Uncle john had your same last name, and you dated him.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm going to do it. I mean, if tom wants

To take care of me, I'm going to let him.

I'm too pretty to be working this hard.

Hey. Hey.

You would not believe the night I had.

That tracey is an animal.

It was like a prison movie.

We did things that kill celebrities.

Yeah, well, you're not the only one who had fun.

Tom and I really connected, too.

What?

I thought you hated him.

Why would you think that?

You said, "i hate him."

Yeah, but then I realized it's time to grow up

And get into a healthy relationship.

Oh, hey, richard. Hey, tom.

I'm glad, and fairly shocked, to see this working out.

Me, too.

So, I got your flat-screen set up.

I figure we can wait a little while,

See if you really need the surround sound.

And, uh, let me know what you think

Of the new linens I put on the bed.

So you need anything else?

No thanks.

All right.

Well, then, I need to get over and make sure that

The furniture delivery guys have the correct address.

So I will see you later, sweetie.

Okay.

Good-bye...

Baby.

You guys are hot together.

You can barely stand to see me in an adult relationship,

Can you? No.

I can barely stand,

Because I got to eighth base last night.

Hey, mom. Hey, dad.

Hey, darling. Hey, pal.

Hey. I hope it's okay that I picked ritchie up.

I really missed him,

And christine said it would be all right.

No, it's great. It's nice to see you.

How have you been? Really great.

You look really great.

I am. Are you really great?

You look really great.

I have a boyfriend, so...

I miss new christine.

Me, too.

Well, it was nice seeing you all again.

Richard, you look great.

You look great.

Okay, yeah.

We got it. Yeah.

See ya. Bye.

She looks great.

Okay, ritchie,

Go on upstairs, go.

I still love her.

I'm going to have to break it off with tracey.

I guess getting set up was not such a great idea.

Well, speak for yourself.

I think tom might be the one.

Hey, sorry to bother you, but I stepped in a puddle

And I'm late for a meeting.

Can I borrow a pair of your sneakers?

Hey, what are you doing?

Just watching my new tv.

Man, you do not want to watch the surgery channel in hi-def.

Or desperate housewives.

Yikes.

I came by to see if you need anything,

But it looks like you're all set.

Yep. My boyfriend got me all this stuff.

Oh, so tom's your boyfriend now?

Yep. He got me new furniture,

New tv, a whole case of wine.

And I don't have to do jack.

Wait, christine, do you really want to be the type of person

Who only takes and gives absolutely nothing in return?

Matthew, you're the one who told me to go out with him.

No, I told you to try having an adult relationship,

Not to use someone just for the things he buys you.

Wow, now you're making me feel bad.

Could you grab me

A champagne split from my new wine fridge?

No, no, what you're doing is

Completely immoral. Tom is a person, he's a man.

Oh, boy. I know what I'm going to have to do for tom.

I'm going to have to throw him one.

Throw him one what?

One of these.

I'm going to have to throw you one of the pancakes

I had for breakfast.

Matthew, I'm a feminist.

Wait, so you don't want to be the type of person

Who takes things for nothing, but you'll be the type of person

Who takes things in exchange for sex?

Yeah.

What part of "feminist" do you not understand?

I have to tell you,

This is my new favorite restaurant.

They should mention that bathroom in the zagat guide.

Um, yeah.

Listen, uh, tracey, we need to talk.

Uh-oh. Is it about the other night?

Was I too wild? I'm sorry, I just get really passionate.

Uh, no, no. No, the other night was great.

I mean, I don't think I'll ever look at an egg

The same way, but...

Anyway, uh, remember I told you I had a fianc?e,

And how I was over her?

Well, I saw her yesterday,

And it turns out I'm not over her.

So even though I like you a lot,

I don't feel like it's fair to me or to you

If I don't pursue those feelings.

Does that make sense?

Absolutely.

Well, good.

I'm glad you understand why we have to break up.

Oh, we're not breaking up.

Excuse me?

We knew each other carnally.

If we break up, we're going against the bible.

Are you kidding me?

What you did to me went against the laws of gravity,

Common decency and the texas constitution.

I'm sorry, richard.

I don't accept your breakup.

Are you messing with me, or are you crazy?

I'm not crazy.

What's crazy is telling someone you love them

And then breaking up with them two days later.

That's crazy.

I never said I loved you.

Your eyes did!

So, uh, tom,

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Um, I think it's time that you and I

Physicalized our relationship.

Let's...

Make... Love.

Sex? With me, really?

I thought, I thought you didn't want to...

Ever... Under any circumstances.

Well, I mean, it's just that if

We're going to be in a relationship, it can't just be

You giving me things, so, uh...

Let's... Get it on.

Wow, I just...

I really wish I hadn't had such a big brunch.

It's kind of bright in here.

You know, I, I don't... Right now, I don't have

The kind of body that looks so good in the light.

Oh, I don't care.

Come on. I want it.

Oh, well, it's a... A little fast for me.

Oh, come on. Take me, big boy.

Oh, please don't call me "big boy."

I'm down to, like, 1,200 calories a day.

Okay, less talk, more sex.

Okay, let's go, seriously.

I don't have all day. Hmm! Hmm!

Stop. Stop. Stop.

No, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop. What?

What's wrong? You know what?

I don't want to do this. You know, this is...

Nothing about this is a turn-on for me.

You know, I, I'm going to say this

In the nicest way that I know how.

The thought of having sex with you is repulsive.

How dare you?!

I-I'm throwing you one.

You know, I, I want to go home, okay? What?

No, tom!

Tom, don't leave.

Come on... Give me another chance!

Make love to me!

Christine, I am full of eggs benedict

And I really need to leave.

All right. Fine, leave!

You're not the first person

To refuse sex, and you won't be the last!

New mailman?

Shut up, richard. Okay?

God! I just got dumped.

And I'm sad and upset

Because I think I might lose my wine fridge.

Yeah, well,

I've got a real problem and it's your fault.

That girl you set me up with is a psychopath.

Oh, yeah, I can see that.

What do you mean you can see that?

You knowingly set me up with a crazy?

Richard, your sole criteria was that she was hot.

And crazy goes with hot 100% of the time.

Why do I always forget that?

I tried breaking up with her, it wouldn't stick.

I think she might be following me over here.

I don't know what to do.

You're going to do what I have to do:

Grow up.

We are adults, okay?

We have to start acting that way.

ooh, that's her!

Get down!

Oh, my god.

They finally killed each other.

No. Christine set me up with a psychopath.

I think she might be stalking me.

Was she hot?

What do you think?

Richard, what are you doing here?

You said you were putting money in the meter?

And who the hell is she?

Uh, this is my ex-fianc?e.

Christine, this is the psychopath I was talking about.

Nice to meet you.

Listen, I don't know what your plans are with richard,

But you better back off, because he's mine.

Do I make myself clear?

I think so.

You're asking me to stay clear of a man

Who I invested the prime years of my life in.

A man who I agreed to marry, despite the objections

Of friends and family who said that he was too old

Or not serious enough or too dumb.

A man who I loved so deeply

That I was willing to humiliate myself

In front of all of the people dear to me

By leaving him at the altar, because I felt that he was

Not yet ready to give as much of his heart to me as I was to him.

Is that what you're saying?

Because if it is... You better

Back off, bitch.

Christine, uh, that was beautiful.

And I'm... I'm so glad to hear you say that,

Because I'm not over you.

I thought I was, but I'm not.

I love you,

And I'm finally ready to give of my heart

As much as you've given to me.

Uh, not the reaction I was expecting.

I'm pregnant, richard.

what?

Is it mine?

Of course it's yours; we've only been apart for a month.

How would I have gotten

To know someone well enough to sleep with them?

Right.

So do you want to tell me how you managed to get me pregnant

When you said that you had a vasectomy six months ago?

Um, only if you promise to see it as a funny story.

Ow! What was that for?

That's for setting me up with tom!

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