Original subtitles

(cash register dinging)

(upbeat music)

- [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery,

stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)

Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,

material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas.

Going down!

(upbeat music)

- Mrs. Slocombe should be here in a moment,

where's Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, he's getting the flowers.

- Mrs. Slocombe just entered the staff entrance looking

peaky but perky.

- Oh, I am glad.

You know, it'd be so nice to have her back again

'cause running this counter on me own for over two weeks

has nearly done me in.

- Anybody know what's actually been wrong with her?

- It was ladies things.

(audience laughs)

- How come you lot always have more mysterious things

than what we men have?

(audience laughs)

- I'm sure that if Mrs. Slocombe wishes to tell us

what laid her low she will.

About time.

- They're all wilted.

- I can't think why, they just drank half a bucket of water.

(audience laughs)

- I thought you picked them in your garden this morning.

- Well I did.

But you see, I put them under me overcoat on the bus

and it was very hot and I think they fainted.

- Why under your overcoat?

- Well, the conductor's very friendly,

and it's his birthday today.

I didn't want him to think they were for him.

(audience laughs)

(elevator dings)

- Get ready with the song, here comes the lift.

♫ Good morning Mrs. Slocombe

♫ We're sorry you've been ill

♫ It's nice to have you back again

♫ At work behind your till.

(clapping)

- Oh, I am moved.

- On behalf of us all, may I present you with these?

- Oh, thank you.

Do you know my husband was the last person

to give me these sort of flowers?

They remind me of him in more ways than one.

(audience laughs)

- Well, it's very good to have you back

but let's get to our counters, we open in a moment.

(phone ringing)

- Menswear.

Captain Peacock, Mr. Rumbold requires you.

- [Stephen] Very well.

- She don't look 100%.

- Well, she's been in hospital for three days.

- What did they do?

- You know, she didn't even tell me, which is unusual.

- I think she's telling Miss Brahms.

- Well, far be it from me to eavesdrop.

But I must just straighten the tie on that center dummy.

(audience laughs)

- [Bert] I'll do the hanky.

- [Beverley] I think I'll polish the shoes.

- Is that all that it was?

- Yes, but it was very painful.

- Well, what about your cat?

- That was a difficult decision.

(audience laughing)

When they rang from the hospital to say they had a bed

I thought, I'm not parting with it.

- I'd feel the same.

- But you know, I hadn't been there 20 minutes

when the head surgeon came in,

he took one look at it and said "That's got to go."

(Shirley gasps)

- [Shirley] Whatever happened?

- 20 minutes later my pussy was in a basket

on it's way to Scotland.

(audience laughs)

Well, my cousin's got a farm there, you see,

so she can look after it.

- This will come as a great shock to Mrs. Slocombe.

After all, she's been with the firm for many years.

- All the more reason why she should be replaced

with a younger woman.

- What exactly is the new retiring age

that the management has introduced?

This includes my age group!

- It also includes mine, but it doesn't apply

to upper senior staff, which is you,

or to upper middle management, which is me.

- Isn't there anything we can do about Mrs. Slocombe?

- No, I'm afraid not.

- Who's to break the news?

- I thought, perhaps, you might.

I can, on occasion, seem likely tactless.

Unintentionally, of course.

- Does that mean there'll be a vacancy in the Ladies?

- Yes, but I'm sure as soon as people hear about it

they'll be anxious to fill it.

- Couldn't you just move Miss Brahms up?

- Yes, then I could replace her.

I'm very willing and I want to get on.

- That's true.

(audience laughs)

- Oh no, I'm afraid you've only

had exposure behind the desk,

you haven't had any on the floor.

(audience laughs)

- That's not entirely true.

(audience laughs)

- She stays here.

- Very well.

- Nice try, Stephen.

(audience laughs)

(register dinging)

- Heels that brought it on.

- I can't stand the suspense any longer, what was it?

- Well, I'll tell you but don't tell anybody else.

- No!

Well, it's a small world, isn't it?

(audience laughs)

I have that.

(audience laughs)

- At your age?

- No, no, no.

When I was in me teens.

That's why they didn't take me in the army,

well that, and being underweight.

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Slocombe, I have a very difficult task.

- Oh, use my knife, it's sharper.

- No, it's not that, it's something else.

- Well look, hang on, I'm going to get meself

some more hot buttered toast.

I've got to build meself up.

- What did she have?

- It's private.

- While Mrs. Slocombe is away from the table,

I think I should tell you that she'll be gone

by the end of the week.

(gasps) (audience laughs)

- What do you mean?

She only had an ingrown toenail.

(audience laughs)

- No, I mean she'll be redundant.

The management are forcing people of her age to retire.

And Rumbold has asked me to tell her.

- But the shock'll kill her!

This is her whole life.

- Better that we tell her than Rumbold.

- Oh yes, you're right there.

I'll tell you what, you tell her,

and we'll make out what a good idea it is.

- Oh yes, we'll say how lucky she is

to be out of the rat race.

- She will get redundancy payment, of course.

- Well that'll be a plus.

Could last a couple of weeks.

(audience laughs)

- Shh, she's coming.

- Pass the marmalade.

(laughs nervously)

(laughs)

- Mrs. Slocombe.

- Yes?

- Apparently a new directive has been issued by the firm.

- Oh yes?

- Yes, people over a certain age are to be made redundant.

(laughs)

- Oh, the lucky devils!

(audience laughs)

- Oh yeah, I wish me.

I can't wait to get out of this rat race.

- Yes, think of the fun we could have

not having to come into work anymore.

- I'd spend all day in my garden, tending it,

and trying my gnomes in different positions.

(audience laughs)

- Doesn't it sound exciting?

- I'd go the pictures everyday and get up late.

- I'd play golf.

How many times when we've been stuck in here

in blazing hot weather have I thought

how wonderful it'd be to be out there

driving one straight down the middle.

- But I thought you had a bad back

and had been advised to give it up.

- Only for a couple of years.

- (laughs) What would you do?

- I don't know what I'd do with meself

if I didn't come in here.

I mean this is...

Well, it's my whole life.

When you get a customer and you make 'em buy something,

I feel like a hunter stalking its prey.

Will they buy that hat or won't they?

And then, they decide, and bang!

You've got 'em.

- Well, what about getting your feet up in the garden?

- In this weather?

It's been pouring for a week.

- You could take an umbrella.

- You're the one that needs the umbrella.

The rain's got in your ear and made your brain soggy,

you daft boy.

(audience laughs)

- I just heard the news on the grapevine.

- What news?

- You've just been made redundant.

(audience laughs)

I think it's a shame.

Anyway, in case you go today, good luck.

- Me?

(laughs)

Not me.

(audience laughs)

Say it's not me.

It's me.

- I hardly know how to say how sorry I am.

- I'm not going without a fight.

Has the news got out yet?

- It's all around the store.

- Well, they'll never get anyone

with my experience in underwear.

(audience laughs)

Here, wait a minute.

Come to think of it,

when I joined I didn't put my right age

on the application form.

Well I mean, I looked so young,

they'd never have believed it,

so I added a few years.

- Well, it's worth a try.

- Even now, I makeup to look older.

- I thought you did.

(audience laughs)

- I mean, me and Joan Collins are just that much apart.

- A miss is as good as a mile.

(audience laughs)

- If I use less makeup and did my hair in a different style

I could knock years off.

- A couple of hours anyway.

(loud slapping)

- Shut up you!

Well, they want somebody younger

and they're going to get somebody younger.

- Where are you going?

- The Peter Pan Beauty Parlor,

they can take years off you there for 25 quid.

- Can they really take years off you for 25 quid?

- No, I think that's just the downpayment,

then they charge you for every year they remove.

(audience laughs)

- Blimey, she'll have to mortgage the house.

(audience laughs)

- Never underestimate a woman.

(audience laughs)

(register dinging)

I can't think what's happened to Mrs. Slocombe,

it's after two o'clock.

What could she be doing?

- She's probably had to get a bank loan.

- No, she phoned up said she'd be late.

She's having a full treatment.

She's determined to keep her job.

- Doom to failure.

Rumbold is already interviewing ladies

from other departments.

- Could you say I'd be right for it?

- I'm afraid you really do look too young.

- Well, I could wear my hair up. (laughs)

And you've got enough pull.

I mean, you could say I'd be right for it.

- I could.

- And you and me have always got on well together.

(audience laughs)

- Not as well as we might.

- Well if you did say I was right for it,

I promise I'd try ever so hard.

(audience laughs)

- Miss Brahms, put that away.

(audience laughs)

Captain Peacock, I think I found a suitable

applicant for the post.

It's Miss Featherstone of Toiletries.

- That vinegary, little spinster?

- Well, she's the right age, and keen to get on.

- I think Miss Brahms should be given a chance.

She's been showing a lot of promise.

(audience laughs)

Actually showing a lot more than I expected.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, too young.

Where's Mrs. Slocombe?

- Up in Accounts. (lift dings)

(audience laughs)

- Blimey, she has had the full treatment.

- It's the Dolly Parton look.

(audience laughs)

They call it the 9 to 5.

- You've just failed to beat the clock.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Mr. Rumbold, just the man I wanted to see.

You know, when I joined, I never told you this before,

but I put my wrong age on the application form.

And so I've just been up to Personnel to correct it.

- How incorrect was it?

- (laughs) It was years out.

- Do you mean that rises given to you over the years

based on your age should not have been paid to you?

- Oh, I never thought of that.

(audience laughs)

- Well then I 'll pretend I didn't hear it.

I'm sorry to lose a valued assistant,

but there will be a substantial redundancy payment.

- I'm not leaving Grace Brothers.

Whatever job I do, I'm staying here.

- Well, it won't be at that counter.

But as a gesture you can stay 'til the end of the week.

- And may I make a gesture as well?

- Of course.

(blows raspberry) (audience laughs)

(cash registers dinging)

- I say, having to come in early

just to meet this new woman.

- It won't be the same without Mrs. Slocombe.

- You know she spent all yesterday afternoon

going 'round to the heads of the department

trying to find a job?

- It's very sad.

- Blimey, you're early.

Here you are love,

there's a dirty patch in front of the podium.

(audience laughs)

- [Stephen] Mrs. Slocombe.

- Is this alright, brother?

- Mrs. Slocombe, what it the meaning of this?

- You are.

And I hope you're satisfied.

You could have put a word in for me,

and saved me and you didn't.

And I'm not leaving Grace Brothers.

- Surely you could have found something better than that.

- Lady Floor Cleaner's a good job, there's a queue for it.

It's only due to the fact that I've got influence

I got her practically to the top of the list.

Wait, you missed that bit of chewing gum.

- Ooh!

Ooh, it won't come off.

I'll have to bang it into the crack.

(mop banging)

- This is most distressing.

- It is.

- Well I'm not retiring.

There's a lot of steam left in me yet.

- Couldn't you have found a gentler job

for a woman Mrs. Slocombe's age?

- She's lucky we gone over to gas fired boilers,

otherwise she'd be inside one knocking off the clinker.

(audience laughs)

- Oh please, can't you give her, her old job back?

- Scrubbing the front steps isn't so bad

once you get used to the kneepads.

(audience laughs)

I made these out of a couple of old bras.

(audience laughs)

- How the mighty have fallen.

- Let me speak to Personnel and try and find you a desk job.

(lift dings) - I'll manage.

- Good morning, Miss Featherstone.

- Good morning.

- Allow me to introduce you to the members of your floor.

Captain Peacock I think you've met.

- What a pleasure.

- Miss Brahms, who will be directly under you.

- Hello.

- Mr. Spooner, newish, junior.

And our Mr. Humphries, who's the head of the Men's counter.

- We haven't actually met,

but I do know of him by reputation.

- (laughs) It does tend to travel in front of me.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sure Miss Brahms will give you every assistance.

Mr. Harman, could you get yourself

and your cleaner off the floor?

- Hurry up, Betty, we got the causey to do yet.

- Where do I put my coat?

- In the fitting room after you've signed the book.

- Yes, well I'm sure you're all going to get along,

so I'll get back to my office.

- Miss Brahms, take my coat.

- I'm not gonna be talked to like that.

- I shall count to three and then I shall release it.

If you haven't taken it by then

I shall make life very difficult for you.

- No.

- One.

Two.

Three.

(audience laughs)

(mop pounding)

- Any more rubbish, love, just chuck it in the bucket.

(audience laughs)

- But that's my best jacket.

Come back.

(audience laughs)

- I can see it's going to be one of those days.

(audience laughs)

(registers dinging)

- I've got the staff like you asked.

- [Cuthbert] Come in, everybody.

- You sent for us, sir?

- Yes.

I understand from Miss Featherstone

that Miss Brahms has been rude three times this morning

and we've only been open half an hour.

Now, this can't go on.

- I wasn't rude.

- I understand from Miss Featherstone

that Miss Brahms used the phrase, she gets up my nose.

- Well, she does.

- You hear this, Peacock?

- No, sir.

- She also complained that she was hit in the posterior

by a paperclip, probably fired by an elastic band.

My mind immediately went to Mr. Spooner.

- Oh, don't worry, sir, no one's fired anything at me.

(audience laughs)

- I mean I suspect you of doing it.

- No, sir, he didn't do it.

And as you know, I never tell a lie.

- [Cuthbert] Was it you?

- No, sir.

- Are you indirectly accusing Captain Peacock?

- Don't be ridiculous, as if a floor walker

would do such a thing.

- Well, I won't have any trouble out there.

- Listen, she's the trouble.

She's got a bad temper and it shows.

- I must say, she does not have

Mrs. Slocombe's finesse with the customers.

- Can we forget about Mrs. Slocombe?

She's no longer with the department.

(audience laughs)

(fist banging)

Enter.

Mrs. Slocombe, go away.

You're driving me mad.

(audience laughs)

- Sorry, mate, but you shouldn't've opened the window.

- Will there be anything else, sir?

- Yes, get out.

(audience laughs)

- I've finished the fourth floor, lower away, Fred.

(audience laughs)

Bye bye.

(audience laughs) (register dings)

- [Miss Featherstone] Well, madam, what do you think?

- It's so difficult.

Do you like it?

- Of course I do,

I wouldn't've suggested it if I didn't.

- But you said you liked all the others as well.

- Madam I don't sell hats I don't like.

- But surely, you must think one of them suits me better

than the rest.

- Well I think this one's streaks ahead of the others.

Oh yes, perfect.

Far the best.

I'm so mad about that hat.

I can't imagine you in any other hat.

- I'm so glad, because this is the one I came in with.

Good day!

(audience laughs)

- Oh, aggravating woman.

Miss Brahms, pick up those hats at once.

- Miss Brahms, go to the center podium

and adjust the blouse, will you, it's very badly displayed.

- After you have picked up the hats.

- Before you pick up the hats.

(audience laughs)

- [Miss Featherstone] Hats.

- Blouse.

- [Miss Featherstone] Hats.

- Blouse.

- Hats.

- May I remind you, Miss Featherstone,

that I have the last say on this floor?

- I think you ought to know that I am very friendly

with a very senior member of staff,

who would be very interested to know

how I've been getting on, on my first day up here.

- I'm sure you'll tell him you're doing your very best.

The blouse, Miss Brahms.

- Yes, Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

(rubber band snapping)

(audience laughs)

- It's happened again.

- Who pinged Miss Featherstone's posterior?

(audience laughs)

Own up, at once.

Spooner?

- No, sir.

- Humphries?

- Innocent.

- Are you sure it wasn't static in your suspender belt?

(audience laughs)

- I don't wear one.

(clears throat)

I say, it wasn't you was it?

- I beg your pardon!

- I'm sorry, my nerves are a little frayed.

My first day up here, I suppose.

(audience laughs)

- Accusing a senior floor walker.

- (laughs) Ridiculous.

By the way, good shot.

(audience laughs)

- I thought so too.

(audience laughs)

Whoever did it.

(register dings)

- Let's all sit together

and then ignore her when she arrives.

- She won't be arriving.

She's been invited into the executive dining room

by the head of Accounts.

- So that's her friend in high places.

- I bet he put her up for the job.

- Old Len and old Jackie used to give it to her.

- Yes, I suspect a bit power politics.

Rumbold is up for a rise, and as you know,

the head of Accounts has the final say.

- You know, she's got such a bad temper

and she gets all worked up

and all the veins stand up in her neck

like blue spaghetti.

(audience laughs)

- What would happen if she got a very difficult customer

and really lost her temper?

- That would be unforgivable.

The customer is always right.

Any breach of that rule, well, could lead to dismissal.

(laughs mischievously)

Captain Peacock, do you think I could have

a couple of hours off this afternoon?

Say, for a dental appointment?

- I think I could write a chit to that effect.

- But your teeth is better than most girls.

- All the better for what I have in mind.

(audience laughs)

- Is everything settling down now?

- Oh, yes, sir.

- Unfortunately the executive restaurant is full today,

so I'll sit with you if you don't mind.

- I thought you had all individual chairs in there

with your names on.

- Yes, yes, that is so.

A member of Accounts is entertaining Miss Featherstone

in my chair today.

- Yes, and the head of Accounts is the one

that sanctions rises for managers.

- Possibly.

But the age limit was the reason Mrs. Slocombe had to leave.

Can I have a menu, please?

(audience laughs)

(menu snaps)

- The menu.

It's a no steak.

I can't recommend the rhubarb

and the toad has jumped out of the hole.

(audience laughs)

- Oh no.

No.

No, no.

- Arrivederci!

I haven't given up hope.

- Now don't worry.

Sit yourself down,

and we'll tell you the plan for this afternoon.

Now then.

(registers dinging)

(audience laughing)

(audience applauds)

- Good afternoon, madam, may I help you?

- You certainly can, you handsome man.

(audience laughs)

As a matter of fact, I was looking for a new fur coat.

The pockets are full in my old one.

(audience laughs)

And some accessories.

Perhaps you'll be good enough

to show me to the Ladies department?

I've never been this way before.

(audience laughs)

- Our Ladies department is over here, madam.

If you would please, walk this way.

- It's not gonna be easy in these heels.

(audience laughs)

- Miss Featherstone is our senior saleslady,

she will look after you, madam.

- Good afternoon, isn't it a lovely day?

- Yes, indeed.

- I was walking in the park with my husband,

he's an MP, you know?

- Oh?

- He has to sit all afternoon so the walk does him good.

And I mentioned that I didn't have a new fur coat.

He said "Blanche," he said,

"go and get whatever tickles your fancy."

(audience laughs)

So here I am.

- We do have some very nice ones.

- Oh, yes, this is very nice.

What is it?

I mean what animal occupied it

before some brave hunter shot it?

Well don't tell me you don't know.

- I'm just looking at the label.

It's ranch mink.

- Is it?

It's 2750 pounds

and 25 pence.

It's a snip.

- Would madam like to try it on?

- Thank you.

Oh, what lovely hats!

(audience laughs)

Oh, I do like these.

- Take the coat, Miss Brahms.

- [Shirley] Yes, madam.

- Oh, that hat does suit madam's face.

- Yes, well I should hope so, it's the only one I've got.

(audience laughs)

How much is it?

- I'll just look at the tag.

If madam could hold her head still for a minute.

- Oh now, I do like these gloves.

- Yeah, we've got handbag what goes with them.

- A handbag?

(audience laughs)

- Miss Brahms, the glove drawer.

And don't speak unless you're spoken to.

- Yes, madam, no, madam, coming up, madam.

- Oh, what lovely, soft things these are.

They feel so nice against these hands that never do dishes.

(audience laughs)

Oh yes.

- Oh yes, that is very becoming.

- It's very Mrs. Thatcher, though, isn't it?

(audience laughs)

I don't think my husband would like this.

He's in the middle, you know?

- I thought he would be.

(audience laughs)

- A lot of them are.

- Would madam like to try the coat or not?

- Well I'll walk it.

Thank you.

(audience laughs)

Oh yes.

Moves well.

But it doesn't really go with this does it?

- You're not taking the scarf?

- I shall take what I like.

You mind your own business.

Oh no, you see it's a day coat.

Those are night gloves.

And, well, this is sort of tea time.

Had they all gone together I might have taken the coat.

- Oh, take it off you stupid woman!

- How dare you speak to me like that, you silly old bat.

- You're a silly old bat.

You married women are all the same.

All you want to do is window shop,

you never want to buy anything.

Anyway, you've got no taste.

- Oh, I have never been spoken to like that in my life!

(audience laughs)

- Is madam having trouble?

- I most certainly am.

Just feel my hand,

it's trembling.

- Oh!

- This woman has been most aggravating,

hasn't she Miss Brahms?

- I thought madam was the nicest, most charming-est

customer what's ever been in here.

I mean, most of 'em is dead awkward,

but madam is what we call an easy customer.

- Easy?

This is one of the most difficult, impossible women

I've ever met.

- If my mother could hear that.

(audience laughs)

- The moment she walked in here,

I knew that she had no class.

- I shall never bring my handmade shoes

into this place again.

And neither will any of my friends.

- And neither shall I, I'm going back to Toiletries.

- While you're there, powder your nose, it's shiny.

(audience laughs)

- I hope that I never, ever meet a woman like you again.

- It's very unlikely.

(audience laughs)

- I've had it here.

- I'm sorry madam has been upset. (laughs)

- I shall get over it.

- Shh, it's Rumbold.

- Is madam having a problem?

- Nothing that you could deal with.

And I shall never, ever set foot

in this department store, ever.

You will never see my face again.

Goodbye.

(audience laughs)

- Good heavens, what on Earth's going on?

- Miss Featherstone upset Mister,

that lady.

- Yeah, wife of an MP.

- Oh no.

Where is Miss Featherstone now?

- She appears to prefer Toiletries.

- Well, I can't say I'm altogether sorry.

But I've got even worse news.

- Regarding what?

- Regarding you.

They've decided to include upper senior staff

in the age limit,

which means you could go the same way as Mrs. Slocombe.

- That's monstrous.

- I agree.

Who's to say that upper senior management won't be next?

And then I'd have to go.

- What can we do?

- Stop the rot where it started.

We'll get Mrs. Slocombe reinstated.

I'll say that she's indispensable

and you will back me up.

- To the hilt.

Higher if necessary.

(audience laughs)

(register dings)

- Oh, thank you.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

♫ Good morning Mrs. Slocombe

♫ We're sorry you got the sack

♫ But thanks to Mr. Humphries now

- We've gone and got you back.

(audience laughs)

♫ And it's so nice to be back here where I belong

- Red roses for a blue lady.

- And a plastic geranium from Packing.

Actually, it's a disguised iris off your kitchen.

But such is the exquisite workmanship

you cannot tell unless you got within three feet of it.

- Oh, I'm overwhelmed.

Thanks for getting rid of her so quick.

- Yeah, it was Mr. Humphries and Captain Peacock

who done it.

- Where is Captain Peacock?

(lift dings)

(audience laughs)

- Gents ready-made, Ladies department.

Going up.

Mind the doors, please.

(audience laughs)

- Just give a quick wipe with the mop, Stephen.

- Oh!

Bang it into the crack with your handle

and then get off the floor.

(audience laughs)

(mop banging)

(audience applauding)

- [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery,

stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery

kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)

Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,

material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas.

Going down!

(audience applauding)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)

Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods,

wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)