Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

- There you are, madam, if you have any complaint,

don't hesitate to return it.

We'll exchange it without question, provided you have

the receipt, you haven't worn it, and it's not creased.

(laughter)

- Captain Peacock!

- Yes, Mr. Harmon?

- Well you told me not to come on the floor

when the store was open

without attracting your attention first.

- That is quite correct, Mr. Harmon.

(blows raspberry)

(laughter)

- Oh, I see I've attracted your attention.

- Go back, you've not had my permission.

- Does that mean you don't want the first prize

in Grace Brother's lucky lottery

which your department has won?

- What was that?

- I'm proud to tell you and pleased that you are now

the proud possessor of a box at Convent Garden

for six personages, for the ballet, there is the ticket.

- Oh, how wonderful!

- Last time I had a box at Convent Garden,

it was on me head and full of cauliflower.

(laughter)

- Well then, there are the tickets for your county,

Mr. Klein, and yours, Ms. Brahms.

- Thank you.

- Oh, Ms. Brahms, where's Mrs. Slocombe?

- Oh, she's in the fitting room, taking off her coat.

- We've been open for nearly six minutes, Ms. Brahms,

go and get her.

- Yes, sir.

You're not drinking at this hour of the morning?

(laughter)

- Of course I'm not, Ms. Brahms,

I'm just taking me slimming pill.

Only I've run out of water, and I can't bear neat gin.

- Why don't you take the pill with the plain tonic?

- Oh, I can't stand the taste of tonic!

That's why I'm putting gin and lemon in it.

- Captain Peacock wants to see you.

(laughter)

I've got a complaint customer,

she brought one of them ripped cardigans and it shrunk.

- Oh, not another one.

- Yeah and it's your customer in all.

- Leave it to me, Ms. Brahms, I'm just in the mood.

(atomizer puffs)

Now, madam, and what's the trouble?

- Well look at this!

I followed the washing instructions to the letter,

and look what happened.

And look at the label,

it says quite distinctly "non-shrink" madam.

(drawer shuts)

(laughter)

- I have here the identical garment.

There, you see, compare the labels.

The label hasn't shrunk.

(laughter)

you can't have a refund.

- I assume that the instructions apply to the cardigan!

- Did you?

Well hard cheese.

(laughter)

- I'm going to take your name!

- I'm sorry, madam, we're not allowed to give names.

- Well in that case, I shall remember your face!

- Yeah, that was a bit odd, wasn't it?

- Well, I'm fed up with them all,

complain, complain, complain!

And she just caught me on a bad morning.

- Did you spend last night on the booze?

- Certainly not, Ms. Brahms, I just thought I'd sleep better

if I had a night cap.

I mean, you know I've been having

these strange dreams lately.

- Still about Mr. Humphreys?

- Yes, he's different in the dreams.

I'm beginning to see him in quite a new light.

- Have you said anything to him?

- No, but I do feel sometimes when I look at him

that he knows something.

- Eye up, she's lookin' at you again.

- I know, I can feel the hair standing up

on the back of me neck.

(laughter)

- Do you think she wants something?

- I hope not.

I can't think what's come over her.

I've only got to give her the slightest hint of a smile,

and she goes all wobbly at the knees.

Watch this.

(laughter)

See what I mean?

- Oh, Ms. Brahms, he smiled at me.

- Well it was only a little one.

- Well it's only half past nine.

Anyway, last night, me and Mrs. Axelby went down to

The Green Man for a quiet drink.

Well, we hadn't had anything to eat,

so we just had a couple of bags of pork scratchings,

and some bacon-flavored crisps.

And one of the crisps got stuck in me throat.

And do you know, it took three or four gin and tonics

to shift it?

And I think that one of those crisps was bad,

because when I got outside at half past eleven,

I felt quite dizzy.

(laughter)

- What time did you go into the pub for your night cap?

- About quarter to eight.

But do you know what I think happened?

I think me body temperature dropped.

Anyway I hung on to this lamp post and we sang songs

to keep us warm.

(laughter)

- Bet you were glad when the bus arrived.

- Well the first one didn't stop,

and I know he saw me, because I lifted up me skirt

and stuck me leg out, just for a joke, you know.

And he put his foot down and he drove straight past us.

- So you had to get on the next one?

- No, but the one after that stopped.

Oh, and the conductor was cheeky.

Do you know the bus was completely empty

but he made us go upstairs?

So when I got up, I took his number.

- Oh, well I hope you wrote it down.

- I didn't need to, it's on his hat.

(laughter)

- Is she still lookin' at me?

- No, now go on, tell us about the rave up

you had last night.

- Well it wasn't really a rave up, it finished quite early.

So about half a dozen of us went back to this bloke's flat

that's got this video recorder, you see,

I know he belongs to one of these

adult x-rated video libraries.

- Oh, I've heard about those.

- Yeah, well he gets a discount being a theological student.

(laughter)

anyway, I wondered what happened.

He pressed the button and bang, the screen went blank.

- Oh, so you went home.

- No, no, no, no, the sound was working,

so we listened to that, but whatever they were doing

must have been outside,

because I heard a lot of wind and shouting.

- I expect it was an orgy.

- That's what I thought, yes,

especially when heard some voice say

"Mary Rose has turned over and I can see her bottom."

then a voice shouted

"I want to see every man bent over and o'er"

I was just about to take me mother home,

when I heard this other voice say

"which way do you want us to roll, Mr. Bains?"

and I realized it was The O'Neidan Line.

- Where's Mrs. Slocombe now?

- She's in the ladies' fixing her makeup.

- She's hardly been at the counter at all this morning.

- Well to tell the truth, and I don't like telling tales,

but I'm very worried about her.

- I must say her behavior has been a little strange lately.

- But she says her nerves are bad, she's been having these

disturbing nights.

- You mean disturbed nights.

- No, disturbing.

She's got this man on her mind,

and she keeps dreaming about him.

You know, erotic dreams.

- Really?

Yes, they do fantasize at that age, don't they?

- Oh, yeah.

I've got an aunt what's got the hots for Richard Baker.

- Who has Mrs. Slocombe got the, uh, hots for?

- You'll never believe it.

- Who? - Mr. Humphreys.

- Really?

(laughter)

Yes, they do fantasize at that age, don't they?

- Has she told him about this?

- Well, not in so many words, but every so often,

she drops him a little hint.

Look, watch.

- Look out, here she comes.

- Oh, you deal with her, Mr. Klein, will you?

- Was there something you wanted, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well I want to buy a present for a rather

special gentleman.

- Ah, well, what did you have in mind?

Ties, handkerchiefs, socks?

- Oh, they're not very romantic, Mr. Klein.

- How about a nice pair of white fronts?

- Shut it!

- Well I had wondered about a pair of gloves,

to keep his hands warm, oh, he has such artistic hands.

- And what kind of gloves did you have in mind, then?

- Well, just show me what you've got.

- Size? - Well about,

about Mr. Humphreys' size.

- Mr. Humphreys, Mrs. Slocombe wants

to try your hand for size.

(laughter)

- It's very busy brushing a hat at the moment, Mr. Klein.

- I'll do that, Mr. Humphreys.

- Thank you, Mr. Spooner, I shall remember that kindness.

- Here we are, Chinese rabbit, English mole,

Venezuelan Scotch terrier, kangaroo,

chamois, leather, plastic, string, wool,

and if you'll pardon the expression, pig skin.

Um, what sort of personality does the gentleman have?

- Suede. - Suede.

Ah, here we are.

Beautiful suede, inside and out.

Try them on, Mr. Humphreys.

Ah, now that, that is a beautiful glove.

Just feel it, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, it's lovely.

- You know, I always say,

a glove like that really sets a hand off.

- I think it's set her off.

- We have it in three shades, you know,

what coloring does the gentleman have?

- Well, fair wavy hair, startling blue eyes,

and a strong, sensitive chin.

- I wonder why she didn't mention the gap in the teeth?

- Mr. Spooner, get a broom, stockroom needs sweeping.

- I take it then, you'll settle for these?

- Yes, put them on my account.

- It's £22

- Oh, when you've lost your heart to the man of your dreams,

what's £22?

- £22 is the price of the gloves, plus VAT,

minus staff discount.

Would you like me to gift wrap them?

- No, just leave them on him.

- Would you like some sugar in your black coffee,

Mr. Humphreys?

- No, thank you, Mr. Klein, no, I didn't eat,

I need something to calm me nerves.

- She put it into words, then?

- No, she put it into a pair of gloves.

- Where has she got to?

- She's gone to the pub for a

- Do you know, I had no idea any of this was happening!

- She's had a thing about you for weeks,

that's why she's been hitting the bottle.

- Well why didn't you tell me?

- I thought it would wear off.

- She's a fine woman, there's a lot of love

going to waste there.

- The first time I've felt sorry for her cat.

- I expect it's a new experience for you, Mr. Humphreys.

- On the contrary, Mr. Spooner,

quite a lot of ladies have thought twice about me.

Trouble is, it's usually the second though

that puts them off.

- You know, it seems to me that if we're not very careful,

we're gonna have an alcoholic on our hands.

- I think the best way of dealing with the situation

is to find someone else on whom she can lavish her affection

and that might take her mind off Mr. Humphreys.

- It's very difficult, you know.

When I was a young man, there was this girl

with frizzy hair and staring eyes and fat ankles.

And every morning when I got to the station,

she was there, staring at me.

And then she'd get in the compartment

and sit right opposite me, staring.

And every night it was the same thing.

- How did you get rid of her?

- I didn't, I married her.

(laughter)

and now the frizzy hair's gone gray and thin,

the eyes stare out behind big thick spectacles.

- What about the ankles?

- Don't mention the ankles.

(laughter)

- I think Captain Peacock's got the right idea.

- What sort of a mad git'd get conned into

taking notice of that old trout?

- Mr. Spooner, if you continue to speak in that way

about a senior member of staff,

you'll go and sit at another table.

- Mrs. Slocombe might be an old trout,

but she's got a lot of nice sides to her.

- Like what?

- Well she's very kind

when she hasn't been hitting the bottle.

- Hmm, she's not as fat as she was.

- You're quite right, Captain Peacock,

there's definitely traces there of when she

used to be quite a nice-looking woman.

- Trouble is, she's lonely.

- Well if she's lonely, she ought to advertise

in one of these contact magazines.

- Oh, no, she's too much pride for that.

- Well, we could do it for her,

we could send them in, get the replies,

and pass them on to her.

I'll write it all down.

How would you describe her?

- Old bat seeks comfortable tree to hang in.

- I shan't tell you again, Mr. Spooner.

- I think "petite lady"

- Oof, hardly petite!

- Well she will be by the time she's finished

her slimming pills.

"petite lady with own home seeks kind,

understanding male companion of the opposite sex."

- That's a waste of words, if he's a male companion,

he must be of the opposite sex.

- In my experience, it's better to be safe than sorry.

- You have to state what her interests are,

they always put that.

- What are her interests?

- Pubs and that pussy of hers.

- Well to save any misunderstanding, I'll just put pubs.

Well, this should cover it.

Now then, we'll get the replies,

vet them and pass them on to her.

(laughter)

- I expect you've been wondering what's happened to me.

Well I just popped into the pub for a package of cigarettes

and on the way back, as I was passing the beauty parlor,

they literally dragged me in,

and insisted that I try this on appro.

And do you know, as soon as I got it on,

everybody said how it suited me.

- All we need to do now is take all your clothes off,

get on a white horse, and you could ride through

the streets of Coventry.

As the bride of Frankenstein.

(snaps fingers)

alright, I'm going, I'm going,

but I'd like to state here and now

that I'm being victimized for my opinions,

and I shall complain to the council for civil liberties.

- Since you've spent most of the coffee break

taking uncivil liberties, I don't fancy your chances.

- Thank you, Captain Peacock.

- Mrs. Slocombe, you've not bought that wig, have you?

- Well, no, but the salesgirls said

that as soon as I put it on,

the years seemed to just drift away.

- Wear it 'round the other way,

they'll be right out of sight.

(laughter)

I'll have me coffee out by the fire exit.

- How long was it since you put that ad in that magazine?

- Well let me see, what's she bought me?

She bought me a pair of gloves, silk hankie,

pair of socks and aftershave, a writing pad,

some envelopes, a pair of shortie pajamas.

I'd say about 10 days.

- Shouldn't we have been hearing something by now?

- I got some replies last night, I phoned one man,

he sounded quite nice, he's coming in on his way to work

this morning to be introduced.

- What about the others?

- Well, me mother came back, and I couldn't very well

sit there on the phone talking to strange men,

saying "hello, you don't know me, but"

so I went 'round to the post office.

I sent telegrams to everybody,

I told them to come in here, ask for me,

and I'll introduce them.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Are you being served?

- Eh, er, Mr. Humphries?

- Ah, he's over there, sir.

Mr. Humphries, a gentleman for you.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- What's it to be?

- Well, who knows, young man?

Probably the happiest day of my life.

- Beg pardon?

- I've come about the lady in the, uh,

in the advert.

- Oh, yes, oh she's behind you on the ladies' counter.

- Oh, really? oh, charming.

Which one, the one on the left, or the one on the right?

- The one on the left.

- On the left, ah, yes.

- Can you see?

- Yes, thank you.

Good morning.

(laughter)

- We can cross him off for a start.

- Yeah.

- Now, pass those tights down to me, Ms. Brahms,

I'm going to shove them all into this bottom drawer.

- I could do that for you!

- No, I'm better doing it,

it takes me mind off other things.

(elevator dings)

- Blimey, look what's arrived.

- I should never have described her as petite.

(laughter)

- Look out, she's smiling at you again.

- I'm not looking.

- You'll have to in a minute, she's coming over.

- I'll tell you another thing, I'm not sitting next to her

at the opera house, you know,

otherwise I'm not going.

- How are you this morning, Mr. Humphries?

- Bright eyed and bushy tailed, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You've wrote my dream.

Last night, I dreamt that you were Squirrel Nut King.

And I was a little lady squirrel.

And you had built you a house, halfway up a oak tree.

- Was it thatched in dandelion leaves?

- How did you guess?

- I never use anything else.

- Well, anyway, in my dream, I climbed up the tree,

and I knocked on your little door.

And you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down.

And there you were, hiding behind your acorn.

What d'you suppose that means?

- It means I've got to build it

a damn sight higher next year.

- Oh, I do love a man with a sense of humor.

I always say if a man can make you laugh,

everything else will follow.

- In my case, Mrs. Slocombe,

it may be a very long way behind.

- I brought these for you, I thought they'd be lovely

in front of a little log fire.

- I haven't got a log fire.

- Oh, no? I know where

there's a lovely one.

(laughter)

- Mrs. Slocombe, would you be good enough to return

to your own counter?

Mr. Humphries is not here for idle chitchat,

he is here to serve customers.

- In that case, I'll have a size 48 nightshirt.

- Size 48? That's big enough for two!

- Exactly.

- Yes, yes, well I appreciate that as colleagues of

Mrs. Slocombe, you have been trying to cover for her.

It's been plain to me for some time

that she's not been herself.

As witness these letters of complaint from customers,

calling her a crabby old cow, tetchy old trout,

and a miserable old bat.

Captain Peacock in all your experience,

have you ever known one of our employees

to be described like that?

- Not by a customer, sir.

- Well, the reason for all this becomes clear

on the discovery of these items.

Gin and uh...

Gin, and uh...

Gin again.

Now, where is she now?

- Perhaps she's still having lunch, sir.

- Captain Peacock, she hasn't even been into the canteen.

(knocking)

Enter.

- We found Mrs. Slocombe, sir,

she was in the fallout bar next door.

I figured temporary symptom, I wouldn't tell

our mouser where she worked.

- Mr. Rumbold, I hope you're not levering under

the misapprehension that I was in there boozing.

I only popped in to buy a package of croissants.

- Mrs. Slocombe, without doubting your word for one moment,

would you mind blowing into this bag?

- Certainly, Mr. Rumbold.

- And I must warn you that your whole future

at Grace Brothers may depend upon the result.

(laughter)

- Only another hundred yards to go.

- Keep at it, Mr. Grace.

- Oh, there we are.

- I've got a surprise for you, you've been doing it

on your own for the last five minutes.

- You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.

- Come along, you should be feeling fit and healthy now.

- Oh, come in.

(door closes)

- There's a bloke outside wants to sell you a medical chair.

- A medical chair, what's that do?

- Well it's electrically operated and it's all

relaxes your limbs, like, you sit in it,

switch on, and it makes you do this.

- I do that anyway, tell him to go away.

- Alright, go away.

- Mr. Grace, the first floor say if you want them

to wait outside any longer,

could they have coffee and sandwiches?

- Tell them to come in. - Come in.

- Rumbold, get in here immediately and bring that

medical report with you.

Well get on with it.

- Yes sir, as Mrs. Slocombe's behavior was so

invariant with her normal character,

we had the case examined by an eminent psychiatrist,

and, well sir, what in effect he said is that

Mrs. Slocombe appears to have built up a fantasy world

for herself, and in this world, she's deluded herself

that she's in love with Mr. Humphries.

Now, as Mr. Humphries has failed to respond,

understandably, - Very understandably.

- Mrs. Slocombe has taken to the bottle.

- I didn't need to pay a hundred quid to hear that!

What's the cure?

- Well, sir, the psychiatrist says that in his experience,

when fantasy turns into reality, it often fades away.

- In other words, if Mr. Humphries had a go at her,

she'd run a mile.

- Yes, sir.

- There's no problem then is there, Mr. Humphries?

- Well, I must confess, Mr. Grace,

I would find it very difficult.

- Well, just pretend she's that girl

that I get so excited about in Dallas, what's her name?

- Sue Ellen. - Ooh, ooh, me leg's gone!

- Thinking about Sue Ellen wouldn't necessarily help me.

- How about J.R?

- Do you always go like that when you think about J.R?

- Oh, it's not him, it's that hat.

- Well, sir, the fact remains that if Mr. Humphries

could steel himself to, as it were,

make a bold advance, the shock might cure her.

- As I'm sure none of us wants to lose Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, no, we're all very fond of her.

- So I'd have to find the right place and the right moment.

- How about in the box at the ballet tonight,

you can pretend it's the back row at the pictures

and, you know, get in there and "wheyhey!"

- It'll be better at Convent Garden,

'cause the usherettes there don't have torches,

so you can "get in there an wheyhey."

- What ballet are you going to see?

- The Nutcracker Suite.

- God, quickly, go as fast as you can,

we've missed the beginning.

- Oh, I'm very sorry, Captain Peacock,

but I had to have another drink,

I've got this awful dry feeling at the back of my throat,

I think it's the new perfume I'm wearing.

- When are the nutcrackers coming on?

- That's the big one at the end.

- She is in all, I hadn't noticed her.

- No, I mean Nut Valley's in the second half of the program!

(nutcracker music)

(laughter)

- Ooh, don't they jump high?

- Oh, look what's just come on, isn't he handsome?

- Yes that's Nablokov, he's very big in Russia.

- He's pretty big here, too!

- Why's he twiddling her around like that,

making her dizzy?

- That's called a pirouette.

- That's called an entrechat.

- What's that?

- Well it's French, all the terms in ballet are in French.

The entre, as in entre-nous, means between,

- And what's the other bit?

- Well, C-H-A-T, pronounced sha, means, um,

- Oh, I know what that means, it's French for pussy.

- When you see what he's doing to her,

it must mean something else.

- Shh, be quiet.

- Have they all forgotten the words?

- They don't have words in ballet, you ignorant burk.

- Why's she waving her finger at him like that?

- She's rejecting his advances.

- She'd have to do a damn sight more than that in Catford.

(laughter)

(sniffs)

- This is the famous pas de deux.

- I know what pas de deux means.

Father of twins!

- Mr. Humphries, Mr. Humphries!

I don't want to spoil your evening,

but we sat you next to Mrs. Slocombe for a purpose.

- You have spoiled my evening.

What do I have to do?

- Act like the man of her dreams.

And give her knees a tickle.

- How do you mean?

- Like this.

(giggles)

go on.

- I think her leg's gone to sleep.

- Well, give it a squeeze, like this.

Go on, then.

- I'm sorry, me mind was wandering.

Nothing.

- We'll have to take it a stage further.

- How do I take it a stage further?

- Like this.

- I can't do that to Mrs. Slocombe!

- Well take her hand and do this.

- Miss Brahms!

Where did you learn to do that?

- In Catford, now get on with it!

- She's dropped out!

- Surely she hasn't been drinking in the box?

- No, out of it, liqueur chocolates.

- Well, Mr. Humphries, it would seem that for the moment,

your problems are over.

- On the contrary, Captain Peacock, they're just beginning.

(screams)

(theme music)