Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food, going up!

- Mr. Klein, what brings you here at 8:30 in the morning?

- Oh, it's Mr. Grace's idea, he wanted me to help out

with the sales next week.

- Really? In that case,

I shall have to add your name to the staff list.

Mr. Klein of cutting.

Is that spelled with a C or a K?

- K for the Klein, C for the cutting.

(laughing)

- Klein, cutting, sign here, please.

- Good morning Captain Peacock.

- Good morning, you will be pleased to note

that Mr. Klein from cutting is joining us for the sale.

- Oh, good morning Mr. Klein.

- (Singing) along and rather well, here looking for the--

Crikey, half an hour early, what's happened sumner?

- No, the sale starts Monday, today's Saturday,

when we the humble staff of Grace Brothers are allowed

to have first crack at whatever we fancy.

- In that case, I'll bag first, go with Miss Brahms.

(laughing)

Oh, cancel that, she looks terrible.

- D'you know I was up all night worrying I wouldn't wake up.

- Worried?

Who'd wanna buy rubbish like this, even in a sale?

- Normally no one, but there is one item that

Mrs. Peacock has asked me to buy for her.

- Oy! Hang on a minute!

I'm the one that reduced it to that!

It is my department and it's the only chance I'll ever get

of paying that price for a fur coat.

- You could always pay another price.

- Mind, you lookin' like that, you'll be lucky to get

a pair of earmuffs.

- Well if you want it, it'll be over my dead body.

- Please, look, Mrs. Klein and I have been married 40 years

and she's never had a fur coat.

And after all, I mean, she's in the twilight of her life.

- Well in that case, who's going to see her in the dark?

- Nobody asked my opinion, as a member of the staff,

I'm just as entitled to buy it as you are.

- If you can afford it.

- At forty? On my overtime alone, I can afford two!

But as wife so rightly says, "they're dead common."

mind you, look alright on Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, that's the trouble nowadays.

All the wrong people have the money.

- Well alright, as we all seem to want the same thing,

perhaps we should draw straws for it.

- We haven't got any straws,

and the canteen doesn't open til 10:30.

- Apart from which, Mr. Humphries isn't here,

and we should give him a chance.

- Well of course he's not here, he hasn't got a wife

or a girlfriend, so he's not in for it.

(alarm rings)

(laughing)

- Do I take it, Mr. Humphries,

that you have spent the night on the counter?

- I didn't want to be late for the sale.

I didn't want to wake up, I was having such a lovely dream.

- Oh, what was it?

- Well I dreamt that England will play at Wales in rugby,

and I was about to hurl myself into the middle of the scram.

- Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Humphries,

that you dreamt you were actually playing rugby for England?

- No, I was in the crowd, but I got carried away, I do.

- Have you come for that coat?

- As a matter of fact, I have.

- It's not your color.

- It's for me mother.

- You've a five to one chance, because we all want it.

- Well, as Mrs. Slocombe won't agree to drawing straws,

what are we going to do?

- Wait a minute, I've got an idea,

now why don't we all blindfold ourselves,

and then the first one to grab hold of it,

is the lucky one, ha!

- I'm not walking around here blindfolded

with a lot of hands waiting to get lucky.

(laughing)

- And that goes for me, too.

- Could be your last chance.

- Ignore him. - I am.

It's not easy, but I am.

- I think I've got the solution,

why don't we treat it like the Olympic Games,

we'll all go down to the ground floor,

line up at the bottom of the stairs,

and on the word "go" we'll all run up here

and the first one to grab the ticket gets it.

- I'll go along with that,

but the ladies should have a start.

- Oh, yes, the men must be handicapped.

- No, no, I am already handicapped, I still have

a slightly stiff leg as the result of a war wound.

- German bullet?

- According to the way I heard it,

he sat on a rusty fork in the cookhouse.

- It did not happen in the cookhouse!

I was in the desert, resting by a tank.

- Centurion? - No, septic.

- Well, if he has a bad leg,

he can start just after Miss Brahms.

- Oh, wait a minute, I've got a disadvantage, my age.

- Oh, well in that case you can start

alongside Captain Peacock.

Mr. Humphries, do you have a handicap, too?

- Not that it'd make any difference, no.

But I do think I ought to start in front of Mr. Spooner

I mean he's so young and agile.

- Well then, it's Mrs. Slocombe at the top of the stairs,

followed by Miss Brahms, behind her, Mr. Klein and myself,

then Mr. Humphries, and outside in the street, Mr. Spooner.

- Right, come on!

- Wait, wait, wait.

- Good morning everybody.

- [All] Good morning Mr. Grace.

- Which coat was it, dear? - This one, here.

- Put it on my account, Peacock.

- But it's in the sale, sir. - Well, even better.

- Oh, sir, I'll never forget how happy you've made me.

- When was that?

- Carry on everybody, you've all done very well.

- [All] Thank you, Mr. Grace.

- Is this tea or coffee?

- Does it taste faintly of bitter coconut?

- Now you mention it, yes.

- It's tea.

- When I phoned Mrs. Klein about the fur coat,

she was in tears.

I shall have to take her out for a nice lunch now.

- If you bring her here, she'll be in tears again.

- It's disgusting the way they feed us.

- And the way they pay us.

- Yeah, Mr. Grace is pasty, I reckon he ought to retire.

- Spending the profits on a fur coat for chit of a girl,

it's disgusting.

- Yeah, I'd like to know what she had to do to get it.

- If you play your cards right, all you have to do

is flutter your eyelids and smile,

and you can get anything you want.

Mr. Spooner, what are you doing grinnin' at me like that?

- I want the sugar.

- Oh, sorry to trouble you during your break,

but I've been asked to nominate a candidate for the

Grace Brothers salesperson of the year competition.

Based on sales figures for the last six months,

I have of course nominated Mr. Humphries.

- Oh. - Well done, Mr. Humphries,

I think a round of applause is in order, don't you.

(clapping weakly)

- May I thank you for your touching reception.

I am completely underwhelmed.

- Is there a prize?

- Well, if he wins against the other departments,

his name is engraved on the solid silver challenge cup.

- Do you know, I've never even seen that?

- Well it's kept in the boardroom.

The winner does of course receive a three-inch replica

in silver colored plastic.

- Oh yeah, Mr. Featherstone had one of them once,

and he had it on his mantelpiece,

and one day he sneezed and blew it into the fire.

- There also has to be a report from Miss Collins,

I have the form here, Captain Peacock,

perhaps you wouldn't mind filling it out?

I'd like it back in 15 minutes.

- But this is our break, sir.

- Peacock, I'm still considering

that rise that you asked about.

- Would ten minutes be alright, sir?

- Splendid.

Progress report on Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries, age--

- Shh, keep your voice down, please!

That's private and confidential,

I don't want the whole world to know

that I'm accelerating down the road of life towards 40.

- According to this form, you can see it clearly

in your rear-view mirror.

Now, marks out of 10 for punctuality.

- Well, he's never been late.

- Except last Thursday week.

- That wasn't his fault, somebody snatched his handbag.

- That wasn't my handbag, it was me mother's,

I was bringing it back to have the crocodile

stuck back on it.

Anyway, the police complimented me on the way I brought

down the thief with a flying tackle, after a 60-yard

sprint through the marketplace.

- Mr. Humphries, you can hardly boast about

making a citizen's arrest on an organ grinder's monkey.

- It had a very strong right arm from turning that handle.

- Nine out of ten for punctuality.

And, general manner.

- I would say: genial.

- Yeah, he has got a nice smile.

- And he has a way with women.

- As well. - I'll put "good mixer"

Next question: Customer handling, any comments?

- Nobody's complained.

- Except that Brazilian ballet dancer.

- No, that was when I complained,

he bought a very tight pair of trousers,

and I had to give him a "lift"

to see if the seams were strong enough.

- That was the one we had to give

a credit note to, wasn't it?

- Yeah, and Mr. Humphries got two free tickets for Swan Lake

- Yes, customer handling: accomplished.

Knowledge of stock.

- Well, I know what I've got and I know what I'm short of.

Sometimes, I'm short of what I wish I'd got.

- Conversant with stock.

How does he react to authority?

- Well I'm always there when you need me, Captain Peacock.

I've always been available to answer the call

for a customer.

- And even when he's busy, he has been known to help me

with my stuff.

- Oh, yeah, if ever you ask him to do anything for you,

he always will without complaining.

- What's the word I'm looking for to describe that?

- How about "crawler?"

- It's either "ubiquitous" or "unctuous."

But I think for this report, the word "excellent" will do.

- On account of he can't spell the other two.

- Tidy? Yes. appearance in clothes?

Good. sharp pencil always

in top pocket? Never without pencil.

Does staff member take part in any of our social activities?

- No, not officially, but I was thinking of joining

the whist club to keep fit.

- How will that keep you fit?

- They take such a long time of it,

by the time they finish, the last bus is gone

and you've got to run home.

- Surely you could walk?

- Have you seen me walk?

- I'll put "on the fringe."

now, I just have to add my general comments

and take it to Mr. Rumbold.

Oh, yes, and they want a photograph of you.

- Oh, I've got one somewhere, taken with Jimmy Savile.

- What were you doin' with him?

- I was on Jim'll Fix It.

- Did he? - Yes, but not permanently.

- What's that one with all those girls on?

- Oh? That's, I'm not on there,

that's a picture of me mother before I was born.

She was on the stage.

- Ooh, let's have a look.

- That's her near the end.

- Shh! Mr. Grace!

(chairs shuffling)

- Good afternoon, everybody.

- [All] Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.

- Enjoying the canteen fare?

- [All] Yes, Mr. Grace.

- There's your photo back, Mr. Humphries.

- Oh, am I missing something?

- It's just a picture of my mother

when she was young and lovely.

- Oh, was she a chorus girl?

- Yes, that's her near the end.

- Good grief, is that the Golden Garter Girls?

- Yes it is.

- The old Palace Theater?

- That's right. - In 1938?

- I believe that was the date.

- Was her name Annie?

- Yes, it was.

- Did you ever meet your father?

- Well, I thought I did.

- I've always regretted running away and leaving her

in that state.

She was a lively little thing, but I was bent on becoming

the world's champion racing driver.

I was young and foolish.

A bunch of flowers, champagne from her slipper,

and it was all happening.

- What are you talking about, you mean?

- Yes, I'm afraid it's true. - Daddy!

(knocking)

- Enter! - You sent for me, Mr. Rumbold

- I hope that wasn't the way the message was conveyed,

I asked Captain Peacock to request that you come and see me,

in your own good time.

Well, sit down, sit down.

No, no, no, no, not there, have mine, it's got arms.

- So it has, oh it's warm.

Oh, thank you, I have a friend that smokes these.

- Perhaps you'd like to give him the box?

- Actually it's a 'her' but I will give her the box.

It'll be handy to keep things in.

- Needlework?

- No, gum shields, she wrestles in mud.

- Wrestles in mud, what, for a living?

- Well, it is now, but when we started it was just for fun.

- Well you certainly see life from every angle.

- Well, she does.

- Old Mr. Grace is naturally overjoyed that he has

found himself an heir, and so am I.

It's only a matter of time before

you're in that big chair up there.

And when you are, I hope that you'll remember

who it was who made you welcome down here.

- Oh, I will.

- And if you wanna know what's going on,

I always keep my ear to the ground.

- Really?

You must cover a lot of territory.

(knocking)

- [Both] Enter.

(door closes)

- Your tea, sir.

Oh, I see he's got your job already, eh?

First rung in the ladder.

Well, goodbye Rumbold, hope you'll be very happy

in your new job.

That's if you get one.

- I am not leaving, I am merely having a private talk

with old Mr. Grace Jr. Here.

- Mr. Grace-Humphries, I shall keep my maiden name.

- Ah, well, here is your tea, sir.

Oh, uh, excuse me, I expect you would prefer the

extra strong, executive-type tea.

(clinking)

May I take this opportunity to mention, sir,

that the washroom in the packing is up the creek.

None of the taps work, and we have to get the water

for making the tea from the cistern in the loo.

(spits)

- Thank you, Mr. Harmon, you may leave us now.

- Have I your permission to leave, Mr. Grace-Humphries?

- Mr. Rumbold's still in charge.

- Thank you sir. Get out.

- See the way he treats the lower orders?

If you do have industrial action on your hands,

he'll be to blame, you'll be the cause.

(door opens, then closes)

- A very difficult man.

(door opens, then closes)

- Oh! Excuse me.

I've got a message for you, Mr. Humphries.

- I think I've got it.

- It's from old Mr. Grace, he says could you pop up

and see him when you're free?

Just to have a look 'round the office,

anytime before 3 O'clock?

- What happens at three?

- He falls asleep.

- It's a long day for him, isn't it?

- Yes, I expect when you get up there,

you'll be at it until the store closes.

- I wouldn't bank on it, no.

- There we are, madam, we've had it repaired for you.

And the factory say they've put in extra strong

elastic at the back.

But, if I were you, I'd take only shallow breaths

to begin with.

Until you've got it running.

Fancy, Mr. Humphries being old Mr. Grace's son.

- Yeah, it must be awful to find out you've been

born on the wrong side of the blanket.

It may eat at him that he's some sort of a--

- Basket! Madam!

Miss Brahms, Mr. Humphries has already told us

that his mother was married when he arrived.

- Yeah, well I bet she was the only one in the maternity

ward wearing a wedding dress.

- He's a very charming man.

All he needs is a good woman behind him.

- Mrs. Slocombe, you're not considering?

- Well he and I get on very well together so you

watch your step, my girl.

Because I, too, might be sitting in that big chair up there.

- Well if you do, it won't leave much room for him.

- Get all those sweaters out of that drawer,

shake 'em out, fold 'em up, and put 'em back!

(drawer opens)

(makes kissing sounds)

- Sorry I've been off the floor so long.

- No, take all the time in the world.

- Oh, it's nearly half-past two,

perhaps you'd like to go home?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, I still work here!

Besides, I've got a call coming through from me mother.

- Oh, while you were away, Mr. Humphries,

I sold a three-piece, and I put it down for you,

because I know that if you had been here,

you'd have gotten there first.

- Oh, I couldn't possibly take your commission.

- Oh, please, I insist!

After all, you're an old friend.

- Oh, I feel like royalty.

(phone rings)

- Menswear. Your Majesty.

- Hello? Hello, Mother!

It's Wilburforce. Wilburforce, dear.

Yes, I've got some news for you.

No, no, will you, everything's alright, will you listen?

Yes, I've got a surprise for you,

but I can't tell you over the phone,

so you'll have to get yourself here.

Yes, get a taxi.

No, it won't cost me anything, it's being paid for

by a very kind old gentleman whom you've met before.

No, it's not that vicar, dear, I haven't seen him for years.

No, no, love, it won't be in the evening papers,

no, just get here, bye.

- Do I understand that we're to have the pleasure

of meeting your dear mother?

- Yes, she's on her way.

(elevator dings)

- Oh, Robertson.

I have just come from the board room,

Mr. Grace sends his compliments,

it appears a member of the staff informed him

that you hoped to buy this at a sale.

Had he known the fact at the time,

he would've insisted that Mr. Grace-Humphries have it.

Therefore, he is giving his secretary

next Wednesday off in lieu.

And there is the coat with his compliments.

- Who told him?

- Someone I hope you will reward handsomely

in the near future.

- You lucky devil!

- How nice for your dear mother, I hope it's her color.

- I'm not worried about the color,

I'm just wondering if it's gonna be warm enough for her

in the ambulance when she finds out that that young man

bent on being a racing driver is now just old and bent.

- Come in, Wilburforce. - Thank you, daddy.

- How do I look? - Not a day over 82.

- It's over 40 years since I last saw your mother.

I suppose she's changed a bit.

- She still looks the same to me.

- She was a firecracker.

- Yes, and to think it was you that lit the fuse.

(telecom buzzes)

- It's the doorman, sir, taxi's here!

He's just dropped Mrs. Humphries off at the front entrance!

- Oh, me leg's gone.

- Send her up, send her up straight away!

Oh, she's in the lift!

Oh, oh, now my leg's gone, too!

(elevator dings)

- Are you being served, madam?

- Is this where he works?

- I beg your pardon?

- My son, Wilburforce.

- You're Mrs. Humphries.

- You must be Captain Peacock in charge of the floor.

Well he was right, you do have a very dominant personality.

I don't think he's right about the beady eyes, though.

- What a grand sense of humor he has.

Gather 'round, everybody.

This is Mrs. Humphries, Mrs. Slocombe,

- If you don't mind me saying so, you look far too young

to be his mother.

- No, really? - Yes, really.

- Oh, I'm nearly 60.

- I don't believe it. - Oh, it's true.

- Well, I'm nearly 40. - I don't believe it.

- This is Miss Brahms.

- May I say what a pleasure it is

having your son on the floor.

- One doesn't often hear that.

- I'm Mr. Spooner, and your son's been over me

for six months and I'm very satisfied.

- I'm Mr. Klein you're son's been under me all morning,

and I'm very satisfied.

- So many people to please, I don't know how he manages it.

- This is his place, over here, Mrs. Humphries.

There we are, over there.

- Oh, if I can say so, Captain Peacock,

I don't know how he has the time.

- This way a little bit.

Now, that is where he stands,

and this is his very own tape measure.

- Oh, I say, it's a bit frayed at the end, isn't it?

- Well it's just about due for a 3000 inside-leg service.

- I believe you're expected

up in the boardroom Mrs. Humphries.

- Yes, I just wanted to get

the atmosphere of his environment.

- This is the actual piece of chalk he used

to shorten the the sleeves on a 38 long fitted.

- It's no... it's all too much!

- Well if you can stand the strain,

there's a half-eaten pastry

he was saving for his coffee break.

I can still see the teeth-marks.

- Yes, that naughty boy still hasn't been to the dentist.

- Ah, well this is the hankie he puts in his cuff.

- Now that's what happened to my four seven eleven.

(elevator dings)

- There's an empty lift, Mrs. Humphries,

perhaps you'd like to go up now?

- They've got a surprise for you.

- Oh, I say, what is it?

- Oh, it's a secret, it happened a long time ago,

and it's to do with your son.

- That probation officer with the pink pork pie hat's

not up there, is he?

- It's nothing like that, Mrs. Humphries.

- Well it's been very nice to have met you all.

- The pleasure is all ours.

- Allow me to escort you to the lift.

- Oh, such manners, thank you.

You know, when one gets to know you,

you're not a toffee-nosed git at all.

(elevator dings)

- Anybody seen me mum?

- You just missed her.

- She's just gone up.

- Well I'll wait a few minutes before I go up,

it's going to be a very touching reunion.

- Forty years is a long time.

- Apart from which,

no one has told her that her secret is known.

- I wonder how she'll take it.

- So do I.

- Come in, Mrs. Humphries, your son's just gone downstairs,

but he'll be back in a minute.

- Come in, come in.

- You must be Mr. Grace.

- And you must be little Annie.

- Thank you.

- Can you forgive me for what I did to you?

- Well I've only just arrived, what did you do?

- Leaving you like that, when you needed me,

when you both needed me, all those years ago.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

I've never met you before in my life.

- Do you remember a youngish man who came to the show,

drank champagne out of your slipper,

and dined you at Romano's?

- No, I remember an oldish man who bought me a Wellington

boot full of milk stout and took me out for a fish supper.

- That was me in those days, just like that was you.

- That's not me, I never danced with feathers.

That's me with the balloons and the big hat,

that one you're pointing to, that's Annie Grainger,

the girl that couldn't say "no."

Every man's leavings, you should've seen the rubbish

that used to come and see her.

- You mean I'm not the father of your child?

- Well let me put it this way: were you ever a milk

roundsman that got kicked in the head by his horse,

and had to lie down in somebody's front parlor?

- No. - Did you ever drop

by parachute in a backyard in Runcorn late one Friday night?

- No. - Were you ever caught

in the Tunnel of Love in Weston-super-Mare

during a power failure?

- No. - Well in that case,

I can safely say that my son is

no relation to you whatsoever.

- What a relief!

Get me Captain Peacock!

(phone rings)

- Menswear It's for you, Captain Peacock.

It's his daddy.

- Yes, sir? What?

I see, an unfortunate mistake sir, yes.

Oh, you're relieved.

Yes, so am I.

- What's happening? Come on, tell us!

- In a nutshell, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grace

is not your father.

- Mr. Grace is not my father?

What does that make me?

- In the circumstances, Mr. Humphries,

I suggest you return to normal.

Or in your case, as near as you can get to it.

- Goodbye, sweet smell of success.

- Hello, the pong of poverty.

- Anyways, you'll get over it.

- I'm not worried about me, it's me mother,

she'll be so disappointed.

- Nevermind, she's got a nice fur coat

to take her mind off it.

- I'd forgotten about that, let's have a look at it.

There's nothing like a fur coat

for getting over a disappointment.

- Would you like me to wrap it up

and make a nice parcel for her?

- No, I think I'll have it meself,

I'm more disappointed than she is.

- Mr. Humphries, you can't wear a ladies' ankle length

fur coat in broad daylight!

- You're quite right, Captain Peacock,

I'll have it shortened and wear it in the evenings.

(theme music)