Original subtitles

("Are You Being Served" sung by Stephanie Gathercole)

(cash register jingling and clashing)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

(cash register jingling and clashing)

- I'm stuck on six across.

- What's the clue?

- Clerical part of chicken.

Seven and four. (audience laughing)

- Clerical part of chicken, seven...

Parson's nose!

- Of course. (audience laughing)

- I've got a difficult one here.

Traffic flow on dual carriage way, question mark.

Four, three, three, and four.

- This way and that.

- Fancy me not getting that. (audience laughing)

- Would you mind discussing

your Popular Press junior crossword

in a quieter voice?

I'm concentrating on

a difficult clue in the Times.

- Oh, what is it, Captain Peacock?

Perhaps we can help.

- I rather doubt it.

Em, found in an ancient Greek bath.

Two words, beginning with A and P.

- Found in an ancient Greek bath.

A and P...

It's on the tip o'me tongue.

A plughole! (audience laughing)

- Archimedes Principle. (audience oohs and laughs)

- I didn't know you were acquainted with

the Classical Age, Miss Brahms?

- I'm not.

I read it on a matchbox. (audience laughs)

- Well, what about this one then?

Long blonde hair,

topless, riding a bicycle.

- Where's that?

- Page three, wanna look? (audience laughing)

(door thuds)

- Oh, I see you haven't finished your tea.

- Well, there were a lot of tealeaves in it.

- The teabag must have burst.

These teabags is very, very delicate.

Mr Grace has just bought up a load

of seconds from Hong Kong.

Perhaps you poured the water in too hard.

- Well, in future,

I shall bring my own teabags.

- It'll still cost you 5p a day.

- If I'm using my own teabags,

how do you make that out?

- Well, I've still got to deliver

the hot water, haven't I?

There's the use of the cup,

the saucer, and the spoon.

And service charge for my smiling face.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you, Mr Harman. - Yes.

(door thuds)

- You sent for me, sir?

- Oh yes, Peacock, have you got

the mid-morning sales figures?

- Yes sir.

- Well, where are they?

- In my head. (audience laughs)

- Really, Peacock, that's not good enough.

I need the total sales.

Ready-mades, accessories,

skirts, jumpers, and intimate apparel,

and I need them on paper.

- Very well, sir.

(audience laughing)

- What's that?

- To those of us

who have studied mathematics, sir,

it is known as a nought.

(audience laughing)

- What do you mean, nought?

- We haven't taken one solitary p.

- Well, how do you account for that?

- Well, sir, there's a recession,

minimum lending rate has not been cut,

the Russians are still in Afghanistan,

oil has gone up $3 a barrel,

the share index is down 14 points,

but I think the main factor is

that the rain has been

tiddling down all morning.

(audience laughing)

- That's absolute piffle, Peacock.

When I've signed these letters,

I shall come out onto the floor

and investigate personally.

- Yes, sir. (phone rings)

- Oh...

- Is that you, Rumbold?

- Oh, yes, sir.

- How are the mid-morning sales figures?

- Well, not too bad, sir,

we're only 28 Pounds down on yesterday.

- You only did 28 Pounds yesterday.

(audience laughing)

How do you account for this?

- Well, sir,

there's the recession,

the minimum lending rate has not been cut,

the Russians are still in Afghanistan,

the price of oil has gone up $3 a barrel,

share index has gone down 14 points,

and um, um...

- Tiddling.

- It's been tiddling all morning.

(audience laughing)

- What was that?

- Tiddling, all morning.

- Where are you speaking from?

(audience laughing)

- My office, sir.

- Your office is better equipped than mine.

I'm not pleased, Rumbold.

- Well, neither am I, sir.

- There's a big difference

between me not being pleased

and you not being pleased.

- In what way, sir?

- You could get the chop.

(audience laughing)

- This is very serious, Peacock.

- It is indeed,

you could get the chop.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'm coming down on the floor

to investigate personally.

- Yes sir, I'll tell them you're on your way.

- No, you won't!

I want to see what they're doing.

Or more importantly, what they're not doing.

- After you, sir.

- Look out, Rumbold's coming on the floor!

- As I was saying, sir,

it's been a very quiet morning,

so we've busied ourselves

tidying the place up.

You know the old saying, sir.

The Devil finds work for idle hands.

(audience laughing)

- If you've been so busy tidying up, Peacock,

what's this paper doing here.

- A customer left it, sir.

- I thought we hadn't had any customers?

- Well, we haven't had any customers

that bought anything.

- He came in, left his paper,

and went out again. (audience laughing)

- 36 Copthorne Avenue.

Isn't that your address, Captain Peacock?

- Yes, sir.

- Perhaps you would like to explain

why your address is on a customer's paper?

- I would like to explain, Mr. Rumbold.

- Would you like me to explain, Captain Peacock?

- I'd like that even more, Mr. Humphries.

(audience laughing)

- The customer came in for some golf clubs.

- We don't sell golf clubs here.

- I know, that's why he went out again.

But while we were chatting,

he did imply that he remembered

playing a round with me at Gleneagles.

(audience laughing)

I denied it vehemently.

I mean, I have never been

on a golf course in my life.

Well, not in daylight, anyway.

(audience laughing)

But he said he'd like my address

so that if he remembered where it was we met,

he could write to me.

Well, I didn't want to get embroiled,

so I took the liberty

of putting Captain Peacock's address.

That's why Captain Peacock's address

appears on the bottom of that paper.

- That is quite correct, sir.

- Then why didn't he take it with him?

- Yes, why didn't he take it with him, Mr Humphries?

- Well, I've done my part of the story.

It's up to you now. (audience laughing)

- Well sir, since this all occurred

while I was in your office,

I can throw no further light on the matter.

- He's not very bright.

He's only done two clues

in the crossword puzzle,

and one of those is wrong. (audience laughing)

- He didn't look very well, sir.

He looked to me as though he'd got measles.

(audience chuckling)

- Well, obviously, something is radically wrong.

Gather round, everybody.

- Come along.

- Now this is one of the lowest figures

we have ever had.

- Eh, what was the one below that then?

- When we didn't sell anything

all day, and fired the junior.

(audience chuckling)

- Well, if people won't buy,

it's not our fault.

- On the contrary, it is your fault.

Now let me paint you a parallel picture.

Think of a half-full jam pot

with a hole in the lid.

Now, a wasp comes along,

climbs through, because

he's attracted to the jam,

and gets his feet stuck.

Now what can we learn from this.

- Well, we want to have a little hole

instead of the lift doors,

paint the floor with glue,

and we'll end up with

a store full of dead customers.

(audience laughing)

- All right, I'll put it more plainly.

Now you are the jam.

Once a customer gets to the counter,

you must capture his attention,

and not release him

until you've made a sale.

- That's all very well,

but half of them

crawl through the little hole,

and then buzz off

as soon as they see Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

- It's his forbidding stare.

(audience laughing)

- Well, perhaps we're getting

to the bottom of it.

Maybe we've got the wrong mixture

of personalities here.

Look, let's try something.

Let's have Mr. Humphries greeting the customers.

He has a genial, outgoing personality,

let's see, let's see how that works.

- We may have to wait quite a time, sir.

There aren't any customers.

- Oh, that doesn't have to be a problem.

I'll be a customer.

- Here!

You're totally ignoring our side, aren't you?

I mean, we get customers and all, you know!

Why can't Mrs Slocombe be a lady customer?

- Why can't you mind your own business?

(audience laughing)

- You know, I think that's a very good idea.

Look, you can be my wife, Mrs Slocombe.

Now, we are, let's say,

a typical married couple,

coming into the store.

We've been married for 10 years,

we know what we want,

but we don't know where to find it.

(audience laughing)

- It must be magic, being married to you.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you very much.

(audience laughing)

Mrs. Slocombe, where are you going?

- I'm going up the stairs,

so that I can come out of the little hole.

(audience laughing)

Mr. Rumbold, why are you holding my hand?

- You're my wife.

- Well, what do you think I'm going to do?

Run away? (audience laughing)

- [Humphries] Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Madam.

Dreadful morning, isn't it?

- Yes, indeed, yes. (chuckles)

- Yes, I haven't known such weather

since my summer holidays.

(audience laughs)

- Oh well, it's good for the garden,

though, isn't it?

- Yes, have you got a big one?

- Not that big. (audience laughing)

- Well, it's the best sort.

We must have wanted something very badly

to have come in weather like this?

- Well, to tell you the truth,

we're not sure what we want.

- I see, well, our evening bags are very reasonable.

- Oh, they are nice, aren't they?

- How much are they?

- 15 Pounds, reduced from 25. (audience laughing)

- Oh, then, you can have one, my dear.

- Oh, how sweet of you.

Sale, Miss Brahms.

- Well, after a night out at the opera,

with the evening bag,

what could be nicer than to go home

and slip into one of our nighties?

28 Pounds.

(audience laughing)

- It's rather transparent, isn't it?

- Yes, well to overcome that complaint, sir,

I usually sell them two.

It's called the Salome look.

Now you see it, now you don't. (audience laughing)

- In your case, you don't.

(audience laughing)

- And we have a special offer today.

The perfume, there (chuckles)

- It's a bit strong, isn't it?

- It's called Power Failure.

(audience laughing)

- Why's that?

- You can always find your wife in the dark.

- That's 77 Pound altogether.

Cash or account?

- Account.

There you are, you see.

77 Pounds worth of business

in a couple of minutes.

genial personality.

- Mr. Rumbold, should Captain Peacock's job

become vacant, I'm not only ready

but willing.

(audience laughing)

- I have you very much in mind, Mr. Humphries.

- Before anybody makes a hasty decision,

might I suggest that

we do get less cooperative customers?

- What do you mean, Captain Peacock?

- If Mr. Humphries would care

to play the role again,

perhaps I could demonstrate.

- I'm sure Mr. Humphries will oblige.

- Perhaps Miss Brahms will be my wife?

- Don't be daft, a girl her age

would never marry you. (audience laughing)

- Come to that, a man of my age

would never marry you. (audience laughing)

- Well, 'tis only make-believe,

don't let's argue.

- Very well.

Let's get upstairs, Mrs. Slocombe.

- I'll bet it's a long time

since anyone's said that to you.

(audience laughing)

- Shut up. (audience laughing)

- Now, now, now, just a moment.

Remember, you are a typical, suburban married couple.

- I object to that word, suburban.

- Well, how would you describe yourself?

- Upper-Middle-Class.

- Have you got two bathrooms in your house?

- No.

- Have you got gnomes in your garden?

- Couple of very small ones.

- Are you within walking distance of

a metropolitan line station? - Yes.

- You're suburban.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, come on, let's get on with it.

- Good morning, sir, good morning, madam.

- It is quite plain

to anybody but a bird-brain,

that it is nothing like a good morning.

It's teeming with rain.

- It's good for the garden.

- On the contrary,

my fish pond has been flooded,

all my goldfish have been

sluiced into the gutter.

Heaven knows where they are now.

- Lost in Suburbia. (audience laughing)

- Well, you must have wanted something

very badly, to come out in weather like this.

- We do, a handbag.

- I'm not buying you a handbag.

- Come sir, you can't have madam

walking around with an old bag on her arm?

(audience laughing)

- Why not?

I've been doing it for years.

(audience laughing)

- (gasps) Cheeky monkey!

- Ow!

- Could I interest you in our see-through nighties?

- What have you got in corrugated iron?

(audience laughing)

- Look, I'm not playing,

if he's going on like this!

(audience laughing)

- What about something for yourself, sir?

A pair of gloves, for instance.

Do you know, we have hundreds and hundreds

of pairs to choose from.

- Serve you right

for buying so many.

(audience laughing)

- You're being deliberately

pig-headed and obstinate.

- What a way to talk to a customer!

I shall take my trade elsewhere.

- Do that!

- Come along, Hilda!

- I'm not budging from this spot

until you've bought me something,

you mean old skinflint!

- I've got better things

to spend my money on than you,

you old ratbag! (audience laughing)

- Well, he spent 77 Pounds on me!

- Well, as far as I'm concerned,

he can have you!

(all shouting indignantly)

- I'm just trying to demonstrate--

- Be quiet!

No wonder you're not selling anything,

if this is the way you carry on!

Anyway, it's made my mind up for me.

I'm going to knock your wages down by 10%.

(all gasp)

- With respect, Mr. Grace,

that is outrageous!

- It's either that,

or I shall move your whole department

down into the bargain basement.

- But it's nearly all storage!

Nobody goes down there!

- Judging from your figures,

nobody'd know the difference.

(audience laughing)

There, that told them.

Does power like that excite you?

- Oh, yes sir.

- Good, you're easily pleased.

(audience laughing)

(cash register jingling and clashing)

- Ooh, it's so humiliating!

I never thought that at my time of life,

I'd be reduced to the bargain basement.

- You keep on eating those cream cakes,

nobody'll know you've been reduced.

(audience laughing)

- I keep thinking,

what will they say about us in the trade?

A gents' department in the bargain basement

is unprecedented!

I'll be the laughing stock

of Swan & Edgar's.

- My mother will have to resign from the Co-op.

(audience laughing)

- I think I ought to look for another job.

- What could you do?

- What do you mean, what could I do?

I've got my brain,

I've got my eyes, my senses,

my hands, my feet.

- You could be a guide dog.

(audience laughing)

- It's all right for Miss Brahms,

I mean, she can always get married to somebody,

who'll keep her in the manner

to which she's been accustomed.

- I don't want to

live in the manner to which I've become accustomed.

I mean, comin' in 'ere, every day,

Larry Grayson Saturday,

roast and two veg Sunday.

I want some excitement!

I want to do something with me life.

I'm looking for Dallas,

and all I'm gettin' is Coronation Street.

(audience laughing)

- You're lucky.

All I'm gettin' is Jackanory.

(audience laughing)

- Life is very dull today.

- I was lucky.

I had the war.

- You could become a mercenary, Captain Peacock.

- I don't think mercenaries have a Pay Corps.

- I was not in the Pay Corps, Mr. Humphries.

I was with the RASC in the desert.

- Running the cook-house.

(audience laughs) - I was in the front line!

Often with 24 hours of constant shelling.

- Yeah, and when he finished the peas,

he had to get on with the potatoes.

(audience laughing)

- Well, speaking for myself,

and I am unanimous in this,

(audience chuckles) I can't afford

to take a 10% pay cut.

- You could easily make it up.

Send your pussy out to work.

(audience laughing)

- It's against my nature,

but I'm feeling very militant.

- What are you going to do about it?

- Well, I'm not going to take a 10% cut,

and I'm not going down to the basement.

In a nutshell,

I'm not going to take this sitting down.

- What are you suggesting?

- A sit-in!

- Yes, but if we have a sit-in in the department,

no one will know.

- Can't we have a sit-in outside the front door?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

All they've got to do

is bolt the door,

and we're locked out in the cold.

- Yeah, we'd have to stand round a brassiere

like the firemen.

(audience laughing)

- A brazier, Miss Brahms.

You don't have a fire in a brassiere.

- Ooh, you haven't seen her at the disco.

(audience laughing)

- We want to inconvenience them.

- I'm not sitting in the loo.

(audience laughing)

- I had a friend once, in Wormwood Scrubs,

and he had a grievance,

and he went up on the roof,

wrapped up in a blanket

with a bucket on his head,

and he wouldn't come down

'til his demands had been met.

- What was he demanding?

- Someone to help him off with his bucket.

(audience laughing)

- You know, I like the idea of the roof.

It will alert the public to our grievances.

Right, who's with me?

- Well, what have we got to lose?

- Right, 9:30 tomorrow morning, on the roof.

(cash register jingling and clashing)

- It's nearly 9:30, where is everybody?

- Don't ask me.

- Well, they were supposed to be here early

to help move the stock down into the basement.

(lift bell pinging)

(audience chuckles)

Ah, about time,

come on, you lot, you're late!

(all blowing raspberry)

(audience laughing and clapping)

- Come on now, hurry up!

Out you come, out you come!

- Horrible coming up here!

- Really, Captain Peacock!

- Hurry up, Mr. Humphries.

We've gotta get this door barred,

before anyone pursues us.

- Oh, that's torn it.

There's no bolt on the outside,

and the key is missing.

- I've thought of every eventuality, Mr. Humphries.

I came up here on a recce.

Now look, hold that against there.

There we are, hang on.

(wood tapping)

There.

- Right, well...

We're up here, now what do we do?

- Well, we have to alert the public

to our grievances.

- Yeah, like her friend from Wormwood Scrubs.

- I'm not putting a bucket on my head,

and I am unanimous in that!

(audience laughing)

- No, no, no, we need to shout over the parapet.

- That's a good idea!

Oi!

- It's not good shouting oi,

they think we're workman!

- What, dressed like this?

- We need a slogan to shout!

- How about, Grace Brothers, unfair to salespersons!

- Very good. - Great!

Look there's a load of people down there.

Let's try it.

- Ready? Go!

- [All] Grace Brothers, unfair to salespersons!

- No, no, no, no, look,

we need to get it together.

Now, follow me.

- Right, Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons!

- Mr Grossman. - Yes?

- Look you're doing unfair on one beat.

It should be two.

Un, fair.

Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons.

Now, all together.

- [All] Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons!

- Again.

- [All] Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons!

- Good, now quick,

while you've got it,

turn round and do it over the parapet.

(audience laughing)

- [All] Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons!

- Ooh look, he's seen us!

- Who, who?

- That little baby in the pram.

Look he's beating time

with his rattle.

- So he is.

Too-tee-too-tee-too-tee-too-tee!

- Oh, they obviously can't hear us.

We've got to find some other way

of attracting their attention.

- Well, let's chuck over a message in a bottle.

- We don't want to kill anybody,

we just want to attract their attention.

- What about a paper dart?

I used to make paper darts

when I was a mixed infant.

(audience laughing)

I once used one to

propose to a little girl,

six desks away. (chuckles)

- Oh, isn't that sweet!

Did she accept?

- No, somebody sneezed,

and the little boy next to her got it.

You know, he still writes to me

from a Benedictine monastery.

(audience laughs)

- I've got a list of our demands here,

now that should be ideal for a paper dart.

Here we are, Humphries.

Fold it.

- Thank you!

Yes, fold it in two.

- That's right, you know,

I used to be quite good at that.

- Fold that... - Were you really?

- Yes. - Hard to believe.

- And those bits down that side up,

and turn those over.

There you are, Captain Peacock.

- Mr Humphries, that is not a paper dart,

it's a paper hat.

(audience laughing)

- (chuckles) So it is.

That was another time, entirely.

He was a vice admiral.

- Do you know,

your life isn't like Jackanory at all.

It's more like Blue Peter.

- Fate has intervened.

I've found a pot of red paint.

- Well, what good's that?

- We could paint the slogan on the wall,

they'll see it all over London.

(all chattering excitedly)

- Well go on then, get cracking!

- Ooh, no, no, I can't do it.

I've got no head for heights.

I can't even take tall girls out.

- I'll gladly do it,

if someone wouldn't mind holding my truss.

(audience laughs) - Come on, Captain Peacock.

We'll hang onto your coat tails.

- I'm afraid I must decline.

- I thought you was a fearless soldier.

- Yeah, he wasn't trained

to shell peas upside down.

- You're just plain scared. - I am not scared!

I'll show you what

the men of my corps were made of!

Here!

(shouts)

- Ooh, weak as water, the whole lot of you!

Here, give that to me.

I do all me own decorating at home.

- Well, be careful.

- Right, hang onto me ankles!

(audience chuckling)

Now, eh, what was that slogan again?

- Grace-- - Arrgh!

Hold on!

- Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons!

- Right, Grace, guh...

(audience laughing)

Do you think they'll be able to see that

from down there, is it big enough?

- Flippin' hell,

it's big enough to be seen from up here!

(audience laughing)

- There's only one problem.

They will have to stand on their heads.

You're writing upside-down.

- Oh, pull me up, I'm getting dizzy.

- Right, give me your hand, Mrs Slocombe.

- Ooh! I dropped the pot! (audience laughing)

- Well, we've attracted attention now, all right.

- Somehow, I don't think

a red policeman's going to be on our side.

- I don't think you are managing this very well,

Captain Peacock.

- What do you mean?

- Well, by now they know we're up here.

But they don't know that we are being militant!

- Yeah, or what we're being militant about!

- We came up here much too soon.

The first thing we should have done

was to tell Mr Grace

what our grievances were.

- Well, it's too late now.

We're cut off.

- Oh no, it isn't.

Come over here, Mr. Humphries.

- I'm not going to hang meself!

(audience laughing) There hasn't been a martyr

in my family for 500 years!

(audience laughing) (salespeople chattering)

- No, but...

- There's another applicant

for the post of Assistant Secretary, Mr. Grace.

- Well, show her in.

- This is Mr. Grace.

- Thank you, dear, leave us alone.

(audience laughing)

- What's your name?

- Virginia Edwards.

- That's a nice name.

You're a lively little thing!

- Would you like to see my Curriculum Vitae?

- Not at 10:30 in the morning. (audience laughs)

Come and sit on my knee.

- Good, you're not too heavy!

Shall we begin the typing test?

- Yes, sir!

- Dear Sir...

I'm not used to working with such old equipment.

- Well, we all have our crosses to bear.

(audience laughing)

- Mr Grace! - Yes, dear?

- A man's just appeared outside your window,

and he's beckoning!

- Has he a sickle, and a long white beard?

And is he wearing a nightshirt?

- No. - Oh, thank heavens for that.

(audience laughing)

(tapping)

It's young Mr. Humphries!

What are you doing out there?

Practicing to be a fairy?

- I've just come to say,

we're all up on the roof,

and we're not coming down,

until our demands have been satisfied!

- I'm in very much the same position.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Virginia.

Further to our letter

of the (drowned out by laughter).

(thudding and grunting)

- [Peacock] Lower him carefully,

get him over this,

don't let him down.

Careful now,

careful.

- What did he say?

- Oh, he didn't really

have much time to talk to me,

but I managed to attract the attention

of Mr. Patel from Accounts.

He was in the Admin washroom on the fifth floor.

- Will he spread the word?

- Well, he said he would if he could,

but he could only manage one thing at a time.

- Did he see your point of view?

- Yes, do you know, that upset him

more than the news.

(emergency siren wailing)

- Oh heck!

The policeman has called in the Flying Squad!

- Escalate our action,

and we'll sling some bricks down that ventilator!

(aircraft engine roaring overhead)

- Right... - Right!

(audience laughing)

- [Peacock] What are you doing?

- Good morning, Brothers.

I've come to tell you, you have the full support

of the packing department.

- What are you going to do?

- We have passed three resolutions.

One, that we are behind you.

Two, that your case will rest on the table.

Three, we will not cross your picket line.

- Well, since our picket line's on the roof,

I don't see that that'll make much difference.

- What are you going to do now?

- We are going to call an emergency meeting

of the action committee

for the same time next week,

with the view of placing

the whole matter before ACAS.

- That's all very well,

but what are you going to do

this very minute?

- What all unions do when there's an emergency.

- What's that?

- Put the kettle on.

(audience laughing)

- Just a minute! (hydraulic whirring)

What's that noise?

- It's coming from the lift shaft.

- Quick, let's see what's going on.

(footsteps thudding)

(hydraulic whirring)

Mr Rumbold, what on Earth are you doing?

- I'm standing on the top of the lift.

I want you all to know,

that I think you're behaving very irresponsibly.

- Well, what on Earth are we expected to do?

- Well, look, we in middle management

are bringing every conceivable

moral pressure to bear,

and you cut the ground from beneath our feet.

Who pressed that button? (audience laughing)

Move me up again at once!

(hydraulic whirring) (audience laughing)

Nobody likes taking cuts!

But as the Prime Minister said,

"You may not like the medicine,

"but it's the only way

"the patient's going to get well."

Now, look, if we all stick together,

and we'll all pull through

to better times.

Let's have some of the spirit of Drake

and Nelson, and Winston Churchill!

Now, what about it?

- Well, sir.

I think your mention of Churchill

has struck the right note.

Don't you agree?

- [All] We do!

- Take it down.

(combustion bangs)

- (gasps) Oh, you've blown a fuse!

- Well, seems as if you're with us

after all, Mr Rumbold.

- I'll take the stairs.

- You can't.

Captain Peacock has boarded them up.

- Well, this is intolerable.

How am I going to get down?

- Jump off the parapet

and flap your ears!

- How dare you! (audience laughs)

- Look at the smoke

that's coming through the ventilator!

- I wonder where that's coming from?

- [Brahms] Ohh!

Do you think the building's on fire?

- It's probably fumes from the canteen.

They're always burning something.

- Maybe they're doing smoked haddock!

(audience laughing)

(alarm bell ringing)

No, it's not smoked haddock.

- The building's on fire!

- Women and children first!

(excited chattering)

(all cry out)

- What are we gonna do!

That siren wasn't the law,

it's the fire brigade!

Oh, look!

(audience laughing)

- Right then, who's first?

- [Slocombe] I am!

- [Brahms] Then me!

- Blimey!

Bert!

We'll need the stronger ladder!

(audience laughing)

- [Rumbold] What's happening?

- Well, the packing department

knocked over the gas ring,

and the bargain basement's alight.

- Aha!

Well, every cloud has a silver lining.

At least they can't send us down there now.

- You!

- You!

- What happened to the Benedictine monastery?

- Well, it's a long story.

- Ooh, you can tell me on the way down!

(audience laughing and applauding)

("Are You Being Served" sung by Stephanie Gathercole)

(cash register jingling and clashing)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

(cash register jingling and clashing)

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear, and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor, carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas, going down

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up