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1
00:00:00,456 --> 00:00:01,289
("Are You Being Served" sung
by Stephanie Gathercole)
2
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(cash register jingling and clashing)
3
00:00:05,988 --> 00:00:07,254
♫ Ground floor, perfumery
4
00:00:07,254 --> 00:00:08,762
♫ Stationery and leather goods
5
00:00:08,762 --> 00:00:10,027
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
6
00:00:10,027 --> 00:00:11,177
♫ Kitchenware and food
7
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,605
♫ Going up
8
00:00:13,605 --> 00:00:17,772
(cash register jingling and clashing)
9
00:00:18,926 --> 00:00:21,417
- I'm stuck on six across.
10
00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:23,257
- What's the clue?
11
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,962
- Clerical part of chicken.
12
00:00:25,962 --> 00:00:28,249
Seven and four.
(audience laughing)
13
00:00:28,249 --> 00:00:30,049
- Clerical part of chicken, seven...
14
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Parson's nose!
15
00:00:31,895 --> 00:00:34,791
- Of course.
(audience laughing)
16
00:00:34,791 --> 00:00:36,225
- I've got a difficult one here.
17
00:00:36,225 --> 00:00:40,405
Traffic flow on dual
carriage way, question mark.
18
00:00:40,405 --> 00:00:42,822
Four, three, three, and four.
19
00:00:44,143 --> 00:00:45,989
- This way and that.
20
00:00:45,989 --> 00:00:49,908
- Fancy me not getting that.
(audience laughing)
21
00:00:49,908 --> 00:00:50,741
- Would you mind discussing
22
00:00:50,741 --> 00:00:52,816
your Popular Press junior crossword
23
00:00:52,816 --> 00:00:54,488
in a quieter voice?
24
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,321
I'm concentrating on
25
00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,425
a difficult clue in the Times.
26
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:58,946
- Oh, what is it, Captain Peacock?
27
00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:00,467
Perhaps we can help.
28
00:01:00,467 --> 00:01:02,551
- I rather doubt it.
29
00:01:02,551 --> 00:01:05,953
Em, found in an ancient Greek bath.
30
00:01:05,953 --> 00:01:08,786
Two words, beginning with A and P.
31
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- Found in an ancient Greek bath.
32
00:01:12,919 --> 00:01:13,752
A and P...
33
00:01:15,137 --> 00:01:18,061
It's on the tip o'me tongue.
34
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A plughole!
(audience laughing)
35
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- Archimedes Principle.
(audience oohs and laughs)
36
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- I didn't know you were acquainted with
37
00:01:31,088 --> 00:01:32,916
the Classical Age, Miss Brahms?
38
00:01:32,916 --> 00:01:33,749
- I'm not.
39
00:01:33,749 --> 00:01:36,742
I read it on a matchbox.
(audience laughs)
40
00:01:36,742 --> 00:01:37,764
- Well, what about this one then?
41
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Long blonde hair,
42
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topless, riding a bicycle.
43
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- Where's that?
44
00:01:41,606 --> 00:01:45,773
- Page three, wanna look?
(audience laughing)
45
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(door thuds)
46
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- Oh, I see you haven't finished your tea.
47
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,443
- Well, there were a
lot of tealeaves in it.
48
00:01:53,443 --> 00:01:55,329
- The teabag must have burst.
49
00:01:55,329 --> 00:01:57,692
These teabags is very, very delicate.
50
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Mr Grace has just bought up a load
51
00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:01,332
of seconds from Hong Kong.
52
00:02:01,332 --> 00:02:04,321
Perhaps you poured the water in too hard.
53
00:02:04,321 --> 00:02:05,837
- Well, in future,
54
00:02:05,837 --> 00:02:07,433
I shall bring my own teabags.
55
00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:09,645
- It'll still cost you 5p a day.
56
00:02:09,645 --> 00:02:11,438
- If I'm using my own teabags,
57
00:02:11,438 --> 00:02:12,547
how do you make that out?
58
00:02:12,547 --> 00:02:13,400
- Well, I've still got to deliver
59
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,956
the hot water, haven't I?
60
00:02:14,956 --> 00:02:15,937
There's the use of the cup,
61
00:02:15,937 --> 00:02:17,493
the saucer, and the spoon.
62
00:02:17,493 --> 00:02:20,639
And service charge for my smiling face.
63
00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,445
(audience laughing)
64
00:02:22,445 --> 00:02:23,553
- Thank you, Mr Harman.
- Yes.
65
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(door thuds)
66
00:02:26,049 --> 00:02:27,356
- You sent for me, sir?
67
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- Oh yes, Peacock, have you got
68
00:02:28,290 --> 00:02:29,591
the mid-morning sales figures?
69
00:02:29,591 --> 00:02:31,106
- Yes sir.
70
00:02:31,106 --> 00:02:32,127
- Well, where are they?
71
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- In my head.
(audience laughs)
72
00:02:34,339 --> 00:02:36,110
- Really, Peacock, that's not good enough.
73
00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:37,665
I need the total sales.
74
00:02:37,665 --> 00:02:39,093
Ready-mades, accessories,
75
00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,973
skirts, jumpers, and intimate apparel,
76
00:02:40,973 --> 00:02:42,982
and I need them on paper.
77
00:02:42,982 --> 00:02:44,399
- Very well, sir.
78
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,588
(audience laughing)
79
00:02:49,588 --> 00:02:50,755
- What's that?
80
00:02:51,916 --> 00:02:52,940
- To those of us
81
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,183
who have studied mathematics, sir,
82
00:02:54,183 --> 00:02:55,277
it is known as a nought.
83
00:02:55,277 --> 00:02:56,623
(audience laughing)
84
00:02:56,623 --> 00:02:58,185
- What do you mean, nought?
85
00:02:58,185 --> 00:03:01,569
- We haven't taken one solitary p.
86
00:03:01,569 --> 00:03:03,374
- Well, how do you account for that?
87
00:03:03,374 --> 00:03:05,470
- Well, sir, there's a recession,
88
00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,479
minimum lending rate has not been cut,
89
00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:09,603
the Russians are still in Afghanistan,
90
00:03:09,603 --> 00:03:11,937
oil has gone up $3 a barrel,
91
00:03:11,937 --> 00:03:14,021
the share index is down 14 points,
92
00:03:14,021 --> 00:03:16,035
but I think the main factor is
93
00:03:16,035 --> 00:03:17,138
that the rain has been
94
00:03:17,138 --> 00:03:19,309
tiddling down all morning.
95
00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:21,358
(audience laughing)
96
00:03:21,358 --> 00:03:23,402
- That's absolute piffle, Peacock.
97
00:03:23,402 --> 00:03:24,307
When I've signed these letters,
98
00:03:24,307 --> 00:03:25,410
I shall come out onto the floor
99
00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:26,757
and investigate personally.
100
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- Yes, sir.
(phone rings)
101
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- Oh...
102
00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:31,146
- Is that you, Rumbold?
103
00:03:31,146 --> 00:03:32,370
- Oh, yes, sir.
104
00:03:32,370 --> 00:03:35,232
- How are the mid-morning sales figures?
105
00:03:35,232 --> 00:03:37,072
- Well, not too bad, sir,
106
00:03:37,072 --> 00:03:39,702
we're only 28 Pounds down on yesterday.
107
00:03:39,702 --> 00:03:41,729
- You only did 28 Pounds yesterday.
108
00:03:41,729 --> 00:03:43,121
(audience laughing)
109
00:03:43,121 --> 00:03:44,920
How do you account for this?
110
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:45,994
- Well, sir,
111
00:03:45,994 --> 00:03:48,043
there's the recession,
112
00:03:48,043 --> 00:03:49,883
the minimum lending rate has not been cut,
113
00:03:49,883 --> 00:03:52,008
the Russians are still in Afghanistan,
114
00:03:52,008 --> 00:03:54,835
the price of oil has gone up $3 a barrel,
115
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,169
share index has gone down 14 points,
116
00:03:57,169 --> 00:03:59,055
and um, um...
117
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- Tiddling.
118
00:04:01,186 --> 00:04:02,823
- It's been tiddling all morning.
119
00:04:02,823 --> 00:04:04,506
(audience laughing)
120
00:04:04,506 --> 00:04:06,335
- What was that?
121
00:04:06,335 --> 00:04:08,755
- Tiddling, all morning.
122
00:04:08,755 --> 00:04:10,851
- Where are you speaking from?
123
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,169
(audience laughing)
124
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,719
- My office, sir.
125
00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:16,668
- Your office is better
equipped than mine.
126
00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:18,670
I'm not pleased, Rumbold.
127
00:04:18,670 --> 00:04:20,435
- Well, neither am I, sir.
128
00:04:20,435 --> 00:04:21,341
- There's a big difference
129
00:04:21,341 --> 00:04:22,728
between me not being pleased
130
00:04:22,728 --> 00:04:25,027
and you not being pleased.
131
00:04:25,027 --> 00:04:26,252
- In what way, sir?
132
00:04:26,252 --> 00:04:27,813
- You could get the chop.
133
00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:30,756
(audience laughing)
134
00:04:30,756 --> 00:04:32,312
- This is very serious, Peacock.
135
00:04:32,312 --> 00:04:33,583
- It is indeed,
136
00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:34,849
you could get the chop.
137
00:04:34,849 --> 00:04:36,248
(audience laughing)
138
00:04:36,248 --> 00:04:37,235
- Well, I'm coming down on the floor
139
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,750
to investigate personally.
140
00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:40,265
- Yes sir, I'll tell
them you're on your way.
141
00:04:40,265 --> 00:04:41,368
- No, you won't!
142
00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:42,796
I want to see what they're doing.
143
00:04:42,796 --> 00:04:45,571
Or more importantly,
what they're not doing.
144
00:04:45,571 --> 00:04:47,417
- After you, sir.
145
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,913
- Look out, Rumbold's coming on the floor!
146
00:04:49,913 --> 00:04:50,969
- As I was saying, sir,
147
00:04:50,969 --> 00:04:52,072
it's been a very quiet morning,
148
00:04:52,072 --> 00:04:53,100
so we've busied ourselves
149
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,114
tidying the place up.
150
00:04:55,114 --> 00:04:57,001
You know the old saying, sir.
151
00:04:57,001 --> 00:05:00,001
The Devil finds work for idle hands.
152
00:05:01,354 --> 00:05:04,506
(audience laughing)
153
00:05:04,506 --> 00:05:06,312
- If you've been so busy
tidying up, Peacock,
154
00:05:06,312 --> 00:05:07,618
what's this paper doing here.
155
00:05:07,618 --> 00:05:08,958
- A customer left it, sir.
156
00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:10,595
- I thought we hadn't had any customers?
157
00:05:10,595 --> 00:05:11,500
- Well, we haven't had any customers
158
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:12,772
that bought anything.
159
00:05:12,772 --> 00:05:14,409
- He came in, left his paper,
160
00:05:14,409 --> 00:05:17,898
and went out again.
(audience laughing)
161
00:05:17,898 --> 00:05:19,860
- 36 Copthorne Avenue.
162
00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:21,624
Isn't that your address, Captain Peacock?
163
00:05:21,624 --> 00:05:22,855
- Yes, sir.
164
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,161
- Perhaps you would like to explain
165
00:05:24,161 --> 00:05:27,029
why your address is on a customer's paper?
166
00:05:27,029 --> 00:05:29,403
- I would like to explain, Mr. Rumbold.
167
00:05:29,403 --> 00:05:31,899
- Would you like me to
explain, Captain Peacock?
168
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,792
- I'd like that even more, Mr. Humphries.
169
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:34,625
(audience laughing)
170
00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,653
- The customer came in
for some golf clubs.
171
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:38,743
- We don't sell golf clubs here.
172
00:05:38,743 --> 00:05:40,874
- I know, that's why he went out again.
173
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,139
But while we were chatting,
174
00:05:42,139 --> 00:05:44,188
he did imply that he remembered
175
00:05:44,188 --> 00:05:46,313
playing a round with me at Gleneagles.
176
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,072
(audience laughing)
177
00:05:48,072 --> 00:05:49,221
I denied it vehemently.
178
00:05:49,221 --> 00:05:50,115
I mean, I have never been
179
00:05:50,115 --> 00:05:51,990
on a golf course in my life.
180
00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:53,470
Well, not in daylight, anyway.
181
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:55,229
(audience laughing)
182
00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:56,414
But he said he'd like my address
183
00:05:56,414 --> 00:05:58,445
so that if he remembered
where it was we met,
184
00:05:58,445 --> 00:05:59,746
he could write to me.
185
00:05:59,746 --> 00:06:01,220
Well, I didn't want to get embroiled,
186
00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:02,053
so I took the liberty
187
00:06:02,053 --> 00:06:04,169
of putting Captain Peacock's address.
188
00:06:04,169 --> 00:06:05,754
That's why Captain Peacock's address
189
00:06:05,754 --> 00:06:08,035
appears on the bottom of that paper.
190
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,962
- That is quite correct, sir.
191
00:06:09,962 --> 00:06:11,930
- Then why didn't he take it with him?
192
00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:15,709
- Yes, why didn't he take
it with him, Mr Humphries?
193
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:16,737
- Well, I've done my part of the story.
194
00:06:16,737 --> 00:06:19,680
It's up to you now.
(audience laughing)
195
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,735
- Well sir, since this all occurred
196
00:06:21,735 --> 00:06:23,041
while I was in your office,
197
00:06:23,041 --> 00:06:25,694
I can throw no further
light on the matter.
198
00:06:25,694 --> 00:06:27,168
- He's not very bright.
199
00:06:27,168 --> 00:06:28,149
He's only done two clues
200
00:06:28,149 --> 00:06:29,131
in the crossword puzzle,
201
00:06:29,131 --> 00:06:31,098
and one of those is wrong.
(audience laughing)
202
00:06:31,098 --> 00:06:33,345
- He didn't look very well, sir.
203
00:06:33,345 --> 00:06:35,812
He looked to me as
though he'd got measles.
204
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:36,645
(audience chuckling)
205
00:06:36,645 --> 00:06:38,680
- Well, obviously, something
is radically wrong.
206
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,783
Gather round, everybody.
207
00:06:39,783 --> 00:06:41,333
- Come along.
208
00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:42,639
- Now this is one of the lowest figures
209
00:06:42,639 --> 00:06:44,032
we have ever had.
210
00:06:44,032 --> 00:06:46,081
- Eh, what was the one below that then?
211
00:06:46,081 --> 00:06:47,062
- When we didn't sell anything
212
00:06:47,062 --> 00:06:49,274
all day, and fired the junior.
213
00:06:49,274 --> 00:06:51,323
(audience chuckling)
214
00:06:51,323 --> 00:06:52,844
- Well, if people won't buy,
215
00:06:52,844 --> 00:06:54,556
it's not our fault.
216
00:06:54,556 --> 00:06:56,565
- On the contrary, it is your fault.
217
00:06:56,565 --> 00:06:58,678
Now let me paint you a parallel picture.
218
00:06:58,678 --> 00:07:00,605
Think of a half-full jam pot
219
00:07:00,605 --> 00:07:01,795
with a hole in the lid.
220
00:07:01,795 --> 00:07:03,264
Now, a wasp comes along,
221
00:07:03,264 --> 00:07:04,692
climbs through, because
222
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,242
he's attracted to the jam,
223
00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:07,513
and gets his feet stuck.
224
00:07:07,513 --> 00:07:09,069
Now what can we learn from this.
225
00:07:09,069 --> 00:07:10,131
- Well, we want to have a little hole
226
00:07:10,131 --> 00:07:11,315
instead of the lift doors,
227
00:07:11,315 --> 00:07:13,974
paint the floor with glue,
228
00:07:13,974 --> 00:07:14,807
and we'll end up with
229
00:07:14,807 --> 00:07:16,232
a store full of dead customers.
230
00:07:16,232 --> 00:07:17,828
(audience laughing)
231
00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:19,790
- All right, I'll put it more plainly.
232
00:07:19,790 --> 00:07:22,007
Now you are the jam.
233
00:07:22,007 --> 00:07:23,697
Once a customer gets to the counter,
234
00:07:23,697 --> 00:07:25,049
you must capture his attention,
235
00:07:25,049 --> 00:07:26,030
and not release him
236
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:27,505
until you've made a sale.
237
00:07:27,505 --> 00:07:28,608
- That's all very well,
238
00:07:28,608 --> 00:07:29,441
but half of them
239
00:07:29,441 --> 00:07:31,092
crawl through the little hole,
240
00:07:31,092 --> 00:07:32,033
and then buzz off
241
00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:33,879
as soon as they see Captain Peacock.
242
00:07:33,879 --> 00:07:35,434
(audience laughs)
243
00:07:35,434 --> 00:07:37,472
- It's his forbidding stare.
244
00:07:37,472 --> 00:07:38,952
(audience laughing)
245
00:07:38,952 --> 00:07:40,102
- Well, perhaps we're getting
246
00:07:40,102 --> 00:07:40,935
to the bottom of it.
247
00:07:40,935 --> 00:07:42,064
Maybe we've got the wrong mixture
248
00:07:42,064 --> 00:07:43,457
of personalities here.
249
00:07:43,457 --> 00:07:44,606
Look, let's try something.
250
00:07:44,606 --> 00:07:47,224
Let's have Mr. Humphries
greeting the customers.
251
00:07:47,224 --> 00:07:49,959
He has a genial, outgoing personality,
252
00:07:49,959 --> 00:07:52,693
let's see, let's see how that works.
253
00:07:52,693 --> 00:07:54,777
- We may have to wait quite a time, sir.
254
00:07:54,777 --> 00:07:56,083
There aren't any customers.
255
00:07:56,083 --> 00:07:57,342
- Oh, that doesn't have to be a problem.
256
00:07:57,342 --> 00:07:58,207
I'll be a customer.
257
00:07:58,207 --> 00:07:59,040
- Here!
258
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,145
You're totally ignoring
our side, aren't you?
259
00:08:01,145 --> 00:08:03,679
I mean, we get customers
and all, you know!
260
00:08:03,679 --> 00:08:06,387
Why can't Mrs Slocombe be a lady customer?
261
00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:08,476
- Why can't you mind your own business?
262
00:08:08,476 --> 00:08:09,309
(audience laughing)
263
00:08:09,309 --> 00:08:11,222
- You know, I think
that's a very good idea.
264
00:08:11,222 --> 00:08:13,519
Look, you can be my wife, Mrs Slocombe.
265
00:08:13,519 --> 00:08:15,608
Now, we are, let's say,
266
00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:17,048
a typical married couple,
267
00:08:17,048 --> 00:08:18,389
coming into the store.
268
00:08:18,389 --> 00:08:19,904
We've been married for 10 years,
269
00:08:19,904 --> 00:08:20,737
we know what we want,
270
00:08:20,737 --> 00:08:23,027
but we don't know where to find it.
271
00:08:23,027 --> 00:08:26,027
(audience laughing)
272
00:08:27,096 --> 00:08:29,587
- It must be magic, being married to you.
273
00:08:29,587 --> 00:08:31,926
(audience laughing)
274
00:08:31,926 --> 00:08:33,070
- Thank you very much.
275
00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:35,781
(audience laughing)
276
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:37,255
Mrs. Slocombe, where are you going?
277
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,486
- I'm going up the stairs,
278
00:08:38,486 --> 00:08:41,104
so that I can come out of the little hole.
279
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:44,430
(audience laughing)
280
00:08:44,430 --> 00:08:48,406
Mr. Rumbold, why are you holding my hand?
281
00:08:48,406 --> 00:08:49,753
- You're my wife.
282
00:08:49,753 --> 00:08:50,902
- Well, what do you think I'm going to do?
283
00:08:50,902 --> 00:08:53,729
Run away?
(audience laughing)
284
00:08:53,729 --> 00:08:54,562
- [Humphries] Good morning, sir.
285
00:08:54,562 --> 00:08:55,395
Good morning, Madam.
286
00:08:55,395 --> 00:08:56,388
Dreadful morning, isn't it?
287
00:08:56,388 --> 00:08:57,584
- Yes, indeed, yes. (chuckles)
288
00:08:57,584 --> 00:08:58,417
- Yes, I haven't known such weather
289
00:08:58,417 --> 00:08:59,877
since my summer holidays.
290
00:08:59,877 --> 00:09:00,817
(audience laughs)
291
00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:02,536
- Oh well, it's good for the garden,
292
00:09:02,536 --> 00:09:03,369
though, isn't it?
293
00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:04,416
- Yes, have you got a big one?
294
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,210
- Not that big.
(audience laughing)
295
00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:08,996
- Well, it's the best sort.
296
00:09:08,996 --> 00:09:10,796
We must have wanted something very badly
297
00:09:10,796 --> 00:09:12,514
to have come in weather like this?
298
00:09:12,514 --> 00:09:13,658
- Well, to tell you the truth,
299
00:09:13,658 --> 00:09:15,417
we're not sure what we want.
300
00:09:15,417 --> 00:09:18,697
- I see, well, our evening
bags are very reasonable.
301
00:09:18,697 --> 00:09:20,461
- Oh, they are nice, aren't they?
302
00:09:20,461 --> 00:09:21,294
- How much are they?
303
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,507
- 15 Pounds, reduced from 25.
(audience laughing)
304
00:09:24,507 --> 00:09:26,597
- Oh, then, you can have one, my dear.
305
00:09:26,597 --> 00:09:29,302
- Oh, how sweet of you.
306
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,357
Sale, Miss Brahms.
307
00:09:31,357 --> 00:09:33,285
- Well, after a night out at the opera,
308
00:09:33,285 --> 00:09:34,173
with the evening bag,
309
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:35,775
what could be nicer than to go home
310
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:38,143
and slip into one of our nighties?
311
00:09:38,143 --> 00:09:39,420
28 Pounds.
312
00:09:39,420 --> 00:09:40,274
(audience laughing)
313
00:09:40,274 --> 00:09:42,532
- It's rather transparent, isn't it?
314
00:09:42,532 --> 00:09:44,122
- Yes, well to overcome
that complaint, sir,
315
00:09:44,122 --> 00:09:46,497
I usually sell them two.
316
00:09:46,497 --> 00:09:48,081
It's called the Salome look.
317
00:09:48,081 --> 00:09:52,429
Now you see it, now you don't.
(audience laughing)
318
00:09:52,429 --> 00:09:54,109
- In your case, you don't.
319
00:09:54,109 --> 00:09:56,039
(audience laughing)
320
00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:57,880
- And we have a special offer today.
321
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,154
The perfume, there (chuckles)
322
00:10:01,154 --> 00:10:03,243
- It's a bit strong, isn't it?
323
00:10:03,243 --> 00:10:05,414
- It's called Power Failure.
324
00:10:05,414 --> 00:10:06,691
(audience laughing)
325
00:10:06,691 --> 00:10:07,524
- Why's that?
326
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:10,020
- You can always find
your wife in the dark.
327
00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:12,364
- That's 77 Pound altogether.
328
00:10:12,364 --> 00:10:13,467
Cash or account?
329
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:14,942
- Account.
330
00:10:14,942 --> 00:10:16,045
There you are, you see.
331
00:10:16,045 --> 00:10:17,798
77 Pounds worth of business
332
00:10:17,798 --> 00:10:19,715
in a couple of minutes.
333
00:10:20,712 --> 00:10:22,802
genial personality.
334
00:10:22,802 --> 00:10:25,216
- Mr. Rumbold, should
Captain Peacock's job
335
00:10:25,216 --> 00:10:26,941
become vacant, I'm not only ready
336
00:10:26,941 --> 00:10:27,881
but willing.
337
00:10:27,881 --> 00:10:29,244
(audience laughing)
338
00:10:29,244 --> 00:10:32,106
- I have you very much
in mind, Mr. Humphries.
339
00:10:32,106 --> 00:10:34,486
- Before anybody makes a hasty decision,
340
00:10:34,486 --> 00:10:35,589
might I suggest that
341
00:10:35,589 --> 00:10:38,039
we do get less cooperative customers?
342
00:10:38,039 --> 00:10:39,798
- What do you mean, Captain Peacock?
343
00:10:39,798 --> 00:10:40,906
- If Mr. Humphries would care
344
00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,091
to play the role again,
345
00:10:42,091 --> 00:10:43,431
perhaps I could demonstrate.
346
00:10:43,431 --> 00:10:45,521
- I'm sure Mr. Humphries will oblige.
347
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,327
- Perhaps Miss Brahms will be my wife?
348
00:10:47,327 --> 00:10:48,836
- Don't be daft, a girl her age
349
00:10:48,836 --> 00:10:51,947
would never marry you.
(audience laughing)
350
00:10:51,947 --> 00:10:52,934
- Come to that, a man of my age
351
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:55,715
would never marry you.
(audience laughing)
352
00:10:55,715 --> 00:10:57,311
- Well, 'tis only make-believe,
353
00:10:57,311 --> 00:10:58,664
don't let's argue.
354
00:10:58,664 --> 00:10:59,497
- Very well.
355
00:10:59,497 --> 00:11:01,241
Let's get upstairs, Mrs. Slocombe.
356
00:11:01,241 --> 00:11:03,209
- I'll bet it's a long time
357
00:11:03,209 --> 00:11:05,049
since anyone's said that to you.
358
00:11:05,049 --> 00:11:07,917
(audience laughing)
359
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,834
- Shut up.
(audience laughing)
360
00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:10,975
- Now, now, now, just a moment.
361
00:11:10,975 --> 00:11:15,146
Remember, you are a typical,
suburban married couple.
362
00:11:15,146 --> 00:11:17,355
- I object to that word, suburban.
363
00:11:17,355 --> 00:11:19,352
- Well, how would you describe yourself?
364
00:11:19,352 --> 00:11:21,523
- Upper-Middle-Class.
365
00:11:21,523 --> 00:11:23,206
- Have you got two
bathrooms in your house?
366
00:11:23,206 --> 00:11:24,039
- No.
367
00:11:24,039 --> 00:11:25,906
- Have you got gnomes in your garden?
368
00:11:25,906 --> 00:11:27,461
- Couple of very small ones.
369
00:11:27,461 --> 00:11:28,294
- Are you within walking distance of
370
00:11:28,294 --> 00:11:30,893
a metropolitan line station?
- Yes.
371
00:11:30,893 --> 00:11:31,908
- You're suburban.
372
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,158
(audience laughing)
373
00:11:34,158 --> 00:11:36,173
- Oh, come on, let's get on with it.
374
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:39,006
- Good morning, sir, good morning, madam.
375
00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:39,839
- It is quite plain
376
00:11:39,839 --> 00:11:41,061
to anybody but a bird-brain,
377
00:11:41,061 --> 00:11:42,814
that it is nothing like a good morning.
378
00:11:42,814 --> 00:11:44,376
It's teeming with rain.
379
00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:45,722
- It's good for the garden.
380
00:11:45,722 --> 00:11:46,703
- On the contrary,
381
00:11:46,703 --> 00:11:48,381
my fish pond has been flooded,
382
00:11:48,381 --> 00:11:49,327
all my goldfish have been
383
00:11:49,327 --> 00:11:50,302
sluiced into the gutter.
384
00:11:50,302 --> 00:11:52,230
Heaven knows where they are now.
385
00:11:52,230 --> 00:11:55,422
- Lost in Suburbia.
(audience laughing)
386
00:11:55,422 --> 00:11:56,485
- Well, you must have wanted something
387
00:11:56,485 --> 00:11:58,609
very badly, to come out
in weather like this.
388
00:11:58,609 --> 00:12:00,699
- We do, a handbag.
389
00:12:00,699 --> 00:12:02,087
- I'm not buying you a handbag.
390
00:12:02,087 --> 00:12:03,637
- Come sir, you can't have madam
391
00:12:03,637 --> 00:12:06,721
walking around with an old bag on her arm?
392
00:12:06,721 --> 00:12:07,847
(audience laughing)
393
00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:08,680
- Why not?
394
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,070
I've been doing it for years.
395
00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:10,903
(audience laughing)
396
00:12:10,903 --> 00:12:11,736
- (gasps) Cheeky monkey!
397
00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:12,569
- Ow!
398
00:12:14,544 --> 00:12:17,734
- Could I interest you in
our see-through nighties?
399
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:19,534
- What have you got in corrugated iron?
400
00:12:19,534 --> 00:12:20,881
(audience laughing)
401
00:12:20,881 --> 00:12:21,943
- Look, I'm not playing,
402
00:12:21,943 --> 00:12:23,696
if he's going on like this!
403
00:12:23,696 --> 00:12:24,529
(audience laughing)
404
00:12:24,529 --> 00:12:25,983
- What about something for yourself, sir?
405
00:12:25,983 --> 00:12:27,498
A pair of gloves, for instance.
406
00:12:27,498 --> 00:12:28,973
Do you know, we have hundreds and hundreds
407
00:12:28,973 --> 00:12:30,285
of pairs to choose from.
408
00:12:30,285 --> 00:12:31,118
- Serve you right
409
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,241
for buying so many.
410
00:12:32,241 --> 00:12:33,303
(audience laughing)
411
00:12:33,303 --> 00:12:34,690
- You're being deliberately
412
00:12:34,690 --> 00:12:36,333
pig-headed and obstinate.
413
00:12:36,333 --> 00:12:37,517
- What a way to talk to a customer!
414
00:12:37,517 --> 00:12:38,783
I shall take my trade elsewhere.
415
00:12:38,783 --> 00:12:39,973
- Do that!
416
00:12:39,973 --> 00:12:40,954
- Come along, Hilda!
417
00:12:40,954 --> 00:12:42,469
- I'm not budging from this spot
418
00:12:42,469 --> 00:12:43,659
until you've bought me something,
419
00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:45,046
you mean old skinflint!
420
00:12:45,046 --> 00:12:46,393
- I've got better things
421
00:12:46,393 --> 00:12:47,867
to spend my money on than you,
422
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,179
you old ratbag!
(audience laughing)
423
00:12:49,179 --> 00:12:52,331
- Well, he spent 77 Pounds on me!
424
00:12:52,331 --> 00:12:53,164
- Well, as far as I'm concerned,
425
00:12:53,164 --> 00:12:53,997
he can have you!
426
00:12:53,997 --> 00:12:54,990
(all shouting indignantly)
427
00:12:54,990 --> 00:12:56,871
- I'm just trying to demonstrate--
428
00:12:56,871 --> 00:12:58,502
- Be quiet!
429
00:12:58,502 --> 00:13:00,226
No wonder you're not selling anything,
430
00:13:00,226 --> 00:13:02,182
if this is the way you carry on!
431
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,603
Anyway, it's made my mind up for me.
432
00:13:04,603 --> 00:13:07,430
I'm going to knock your wages down by 10%.
433
00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:08,382
(all gasp)
434
00:13:08,382 --> 00:13:09,816
- With respect, Mr. Grace,
435
00:13:09,816 --> 00:13:11,250
that is outrageous!
436
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:12,083
- It's either that,
437
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,334
or I shall move your whole department
438
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:16,480
down into the bargain basement.
439
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,664
- But it's nearly all storage!
440
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,377
Nobody goes down there!
441
00:13:19,377 --> 00:13:20,567
- Judging from your figures,
442
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,366
nobody'd know the difference.
443
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:24,706
(audience laughing)
444
00:13:24,706 --> 00:13:26,993
There, that told them.
445
00:13:26,993 --> 00:13:28,973
Does power like that excite you?
446
00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:30,615
- Oh, yes sir.
447
00:13:30,615 --> 00:13:32,990
- Good, you're easily pleased.
448
00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:34,331
(audience laughing)
449
00:13:34,331 --> 00:13:37,065
(cash register jingling and clashing)
450
00:13:37,065 --> 00:13:39,404
- Ooh, it's so humiliating!
451
00:13:39,404 --> 00:13:41,651
I never thought that at my time of life,
452
00:13:41,651 --> 00:13:44,472
I'd be reduced to the bargain basement.
453
00:13:44,472 --> 00:13:45,946
- You keep on eating those cream cakes,
454
00:13:45,946 --> 00:13:47,502
nobody'll know you've been reduced.
455
00:13:47,502 --> 00:13:49,876
(audience laughing)
456
00:13:49,876 --> 00:13:50,782
- I keep thinking,
457
00:13:50,782 --> 00:13:52,918
what will they say about us in the trade?
458
00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:55,252
A gents' department in
the bargain basement
459
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:56,883
is unprecedented!
460
00:13:56,883 --> 00:13:58,026
I'll be the laughing stock
461
00:13:58,026 --> 00:13:59,298
of Swan & Edgar's.
462
00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:01,747
- My mother will have to
resign from the Co-op.
463
00:14:01,747 --> 00:14:04,122
(audience laughing)
464
00:14:04,122 --> 00:14:06,304
- I think I ought to look for another job.
465
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,326
- What could you do?
466
00:14:07,326 --> 00:14:09,004
- What do you mean, what could I do?
467
00:14:09,004 --> 00:14:10,269
I've got my brain,
468
00:14:10,269 --> 00:14:12,359
I've got my eyes, my senses,
469
00:14:12,359 --> 00:14:14,292
my hands, my feet.
470
00:14:14,292 --> 00:14:15,685
- You could be a guide dog.
471
00:14:15,685 --> 00:14:18,685
(audience laughing)
472
00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:21,258
- It's all right for Miss Brahms,
473
00:14:21,258 --> 00:14:23,476
I mean, she can always
get married to somebody,
474
00:14:23,476 --> 00:14:24,416
who'll keep her in the manner
475
00:14:24,416 --> 00:14:25,931
to which she's been accustomed.
476
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:26,871
- I don't want to
477
00:14:26,871 --> 00:14:29,658
live in the manner to which
I've become accustomed.
478
00:14:29,658 --> 00:14:31,202
I mean, comin' in 'ere, every day,
479
00:14:31,202 --> 00:14:32,508
Larry Grayson Saturday,
480
00:14:32,508 --> 00:14:34,848
roast and two veg Sunday.
481
00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:35,991
I want some excitement!
482
00:14:35,991 --> 00:14:38,162
I want to do something with me life.
483
00:14:38,162 --> 00:14:39,312
I'm looking for Dallas,
484
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,814
and all I'm gettin' is Coronation Street.
485
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,462
(audience laughing)
486
00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:44,295
- You're lucky.
487
00:14:44,295 --> 00:14:45,302
All I'm gettin' is Jackanory.
488
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:48,302
(audience laughing)
489
00:14:49,441 --> 00:14:52,396
- Life is very dull today.
490
00:14:52,396 --> 00:14:53,563
- I was lucky.
491
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,407
I had the war.
492
00:14:56,407 --> 00:14:58,903
- You could become a
mercenary, Captain Peacock.
493
00:14:58,903 --> 00:15:00,999
- I don't think mercenaries
have a Pay Corps.
494
00:15:00,999 --> 00:15:03,739
- I was not in the Pay
Corps, Mr. Humphries.
495
00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:06,032
I was with the RASC in the desert.
496
00:15:06,032 --> 00:15:07,373
- Running the cook-house.
497
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,335
(audience laughs)
- I was in the front line!
498
00:15:09,335 --> 00:15:12,313
Often with 24 hours of constant shelling.
499
00:15:12,313 --> 00:15:13,543
- Yeah, and when he finished the peas,
500
00:15:13,543 --> 00:15:14,971
he had to get on with the potatoes.
501
00:15:14,971 --> 00:15:17,971
(audience laughing)
502
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,229
- Well, speaking for myself,
503
00:15:21,229 --> 00:15:24,306
and I am unanimous in this,
504
00:15:24,306 --> 00:15:25,443
(audience chuckles)
I can't afford
505
00:15:25,443 --> 00:15:27,945
to take a 10% pay cut.
506
00:15:27,945 --> 00:15:29,008
- You could easily make it up.
507
00:15:29,008 --> 00:15:30,227
Send your pussy out to work.
508
00:15:30,227 --> 00:15:33,013
(audience laughing)
509
00:15:33,013 --> 00:15:33,846
- It's against my nature,
510
00:15:33,846 --> 00:15:35,591
but I'm feeling very militant.
511
00:15:35,591 --> 00:15:37,100
- What are you going to do about it?
512
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,474
- Well, I'm not going to take a 10% cut,
513
00:15:39,474 --> 00:15:41,430
and I'm not going down to the basement.
514
00:15:41,430 --> 00:15:42,263
In a nutshell,
515
00:15:42,263 --> 00:15:44,165
I'm not going to take this sitting down.
516
00:15:44,165 --> 00:15:45,639
- What are you suggesting?
517
00:15:45,639 --> 00:15:46,910
- A sit-in!
518
00:15:46,910 --> 00:15:49,023
- Yes, but if we have a
sit-in in the department,
519
00:15:49,023 --> 00:15:50,985
no one will know.
520
00:15:50,985 --> 00:15:53,900
- Can't we have a sit-in
outside the front door?
521
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,198
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
522
00:15:55,198 --> 00:15:56,031
All they've got to do
523
00:15:56,031 --> 00:15:56,864
is bolt the door,
524
00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:58,114
and we're locked out in the cold.
525
00:15:58,114 --> 00:15:59,954
- Yeah, we'd have to
stand round a brassiere
526
00:15:59,954 --> 00:16:01,185
like the firemen.
527
00:16:01,185 --> 00:16:02,694
(audience laughing)
528
00:16:02,694 --> 00:16:03,919
- A brazier, Miss Brahms.
529
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:06,299
You don't have a fire in a brassiere.
530
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,060
- Ooh, you haven't seen her at the disco.
531
00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:10,128
(audience laughing)
532
00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:13,280
- We want to inconvenience them.
533
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,789
- I'm not sitting in the loo.
534
00:16:14,789 --> 00:16:16,722
(audience laughing)
535
00:16:16,722 --> 00:16:19,050
- I had a friend once, in Wormwood Scrubs,
536
00:16:19,050 --> 00:16:20,397
and he had a grievance,
537
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:21,506
and he went up on the roof,
538
00:16:21,506 --> 00:16:22,812
wrapped up in a blanket
539
00:16:22,812 --> 00:16:24,066
with a bucket on his head,
540
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,383
and he wouldn't come down
541
00:16:25,383 --> 00:16:27,345
'til his demands had been met.
542
00:16:27,345 --> 00:16:28,692
- What was he demanding?
543
00:16:28,692 --> 00:16:30,329
- Someone to help him off with his bucket.
544
00:16:30,329 --> 00:16:31,920
(audience laughing)
545
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,300
- You know, I like the idea of the roof.
546
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:37,237
It will alert the public
to our grievances.
547
00:16:37,237 --> 00:16:38,299
Right, who's with me?
548
00:16:38,299 --> 00:16:40,221
- Well, what have we got to lose?
549
00:16:40,221 --> 00:16:43,582
- Right, 9:30 tomorrow
morning, on the roof.
550
00:16:43,582 --> 00:16:47,384
(cash register jingling and clashing)
551
00:16:47,384 --> 00:16:49,805
- It's nearly 9:30, where is everybody?
552
00:16:49,805 --> 00:16:51,483
- Don't ask me.
553
00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:52,876
- Well, they were
supposed to be here early
554
00:16:52,876 --> 00:16:55,534
to help move the stock
down into the basement.
555
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:57,999
(lift bell pinging)
556
00:16:57,999 --> 00:16:59,093
(audience chuckles)
557
00:16:59,093 --> 00:17:00,831
Ah, about time,
558
00:17:00,831 --> 00:17:01,664
come on, you lot, you're late!
559
00:17:01,664 --> 00:17:03,347
(all blowing raspberry)
560
00:17:03,347 --> 00:17:07,430
(audience laughing and clapping)
561
00:17:09,837 --> 00:17:11,025
- Come on now, hurry up!
562
00:17:11,025 --> 00:17:12,308
Out you come, out you come!
563
00:17:12,308 --> 00:17:13,841
- Horrible coming up here!
564
00:17:13,841 --> 00:17:15,545
- Really, Captain Peacock!
565
00:17:15,545 --> 00:17:17,239
- Hurry up, Mr. Humphries.
566
00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:19,022
We've gotta get this door barred,
567
00:17:19,022 --> 00:17:20,903
before anyone pursues us.
568
00:17:20,903 --> 00:17:21,736
- Oh, that's torn it.
569
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,103
There's no bolt on the outside,
570
00:17:23,103 --> 00:17:24,339
and the key is missing.
571
00:17:24,339 --> 00:17:26,179
- I've thought of every
eventuality, Mr. Humphries.
572
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,404
I came up here on a recce.
573
00:17:27,404 --> 00:17:29,345
Now look, hold that against there.
574
00:17:29,345 --> 00:17:31,032
There we are, hang on.
575
00:17:31,032 --> 00:17:33,615
(wood tapping)
576
00:17:36,314 --> 00:17:37,147
There.
577
00:17:37,147 --> 00:17:39,095
- Right, well...
578
00:17:39,095 --> 00:17:41,643
We're up here, now what do we do?
579
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:43,077
- Well, we have to alert the public
580
00:17:43,077 --> 00:17:44,099
to our grievances.
581
00:17:44,099 --> 00:17:45,771
- Yeah, like her friend
from Wormwood Scrubs.
582
00:17:45,771 --> 00:17:47,396
- I'm not putting a bucket on my head,
583
00:17:47,396 --> 00:17:49,120
and I am unanimous in that!
584
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:49,953
(audience laughing)
585
00:17:49,953 --> 00:17:52,238
- No, no, no, we need to
shout over the parapet.
586
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,124
- That's a good idea!
587
00:17:54,124 --> 00:17:54,957
Oi!
588
00:17:55,883 --> 00:17:56,992
- It's not good shouting oi,
589
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,350
they think we're workman!
590
00:17:58,350 --> 00:17:59,616
- What, dressed like this?
591
00:17:59,616 --> 00:18:01,369
- We need a slogan to shout!
592
00:18:01,369 --> 00:18:05,536
- How about, Grace Brothers,
unfair to salespersons!
593
00:18:06,529 --> 00:18:07,429
- Very good.
- Great!
594
00:18:07,429 --> 00:18:08,811
Look there's a load of people down there.
595
00:18:08,811 --> 00:18:09,751
Let's try it.
596
00:18:09,751 --> 00:18:11,301
- Ready? Go!
597
00:18:11,301 --> 00:18:14,893
- [All] Grace Brothers,
unfair to salespersons!
598
00:18:14,893 --> 00:18:15,792
- No, no, no, no, look,
599
00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:16,895
we need to get it together.
600
00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,145
Now, follow me.
601
00:18:19,548 --> 00:18:24,105
- Right, Grace Brothers
unfair to salespersons!
602
00:18:24,105 --> 00:18:25,707
- Mr Grossman.
- Yes?
603
00:18:25,707 --> 00:18:27,710
- Look you're doing unfair on one beat.
604
00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:28,543
It should be two.
605
00:18:28,543 --> 00:18:29,991
Un, fair.
606
00:18:29,991 --> 00:18:32,696
Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons.
607
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:33,974
Now, all together.
608
00:18:33,974 --> 00:18:37,567
- [All] Grace Brothers
unfair to salespersons!
609
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:38,400
- Again.
610
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,212
- [All] Grace Brothers
unfair to salespersons!
611
00:18:41,212 --> 00:18:42,234
- Good, now quick,
612
00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:43,067
while you've got it,
613
00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,486
turn round and do it over the parapet.
614
00:18:44,486 --> 00:18:47,405
(audience laughing)
615
00:18:47,405 --> 00:18:51,707
- [All] Grace Brothers
unfair to salespersons!
616
00:18:51,707 --> 00:18:53,059
- Ooh look, he's seen us!
617
00:18:53,059 --> 00:18:53,892
- Who, who?
618
00:18:53,892 --> 00:18:55,138
- That little baby in the pram.
619
00:18:55,138 --> 00:18:56,043
Look he's beating time
620
00:18:56,043 --> 00:18:57,436
with his rattle.
621
00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:58,870
- So he is.
622
00:18:58,870 --> 00:19:00,995
Too-tee-too-tee-too-tee-too-tee!
623
00:19:00,995 --> 00:19:02,103
- Oh, they obviously can't hear us.
624
00:19:02,103 --> 00:19:03,659
We've got to find some other way
625
00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:05,488
of attracting their attention.
626
00:19:05,488 --> 00:19:07,938
- Well, let's chuck over
a message in a bottle.
627
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,122
- We don't want to kill anybody,
628
00:19:09,122 --> 00:19:11,159
we just want to attract their attention.
629
00:19:11,159 --> 00:19:13,121
- What about a paper dart?
630
00:19:13,121 --> 00:19:14,027
I used to make paper darts
631
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:15,549
when I was a mixed infant.
632
00:19:15,549 --> 00:19:16,403
(audience laughing)
633
00:19:16,403 --> 00:19:17,236
I once used one to
634
00:19:17,236 --> 00:19:18,069
propose to a little girl,
635
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:18,902
six desks away. (chuckles)
636
00:19:18,902 --> 00:19:20,626
- Oh, isn't that sweet!
637
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:21,886
Did she accept?
638
00:19:21,886 --> 00:19:22,995
- No, somebody sneezed,
639
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,079
and the little boy next to her got it.
640
00:19:25,079 --> 00:19:26,309
You know, he still writes to me
641
00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:27,830
from a Benedictine monastery.
642
00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:28,730
(audience laughs)
643
00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:30,082
- I've got a list of our demands here,
644
00:19:30,082 --> 00:19:32,283
now that should be ideal for a paper dart.
645
00:19:32,283 --> 00:19:33,386
Here we are, Humphries.
646
00:19:33,386 --> 00:19:34,352
Fold it.
647
00:19:34,352 --> 00:19:35,444
- Thank you!
648
00:19:35,444 --> 00:19:36,602
Yes, fold it in two.
649
00:19:36,602 --> 00:19:37,461
- That's right, you know,
650
00:19:37,461 --> 00:19:38,396
I used to be quite good at that.
651
00:19:38,396 --> 00:19:39,626
- Fold that...
- Were you really?
652
00:19:39,626 --> 00:19:40,459
- Yes.
- Hard to believe.
653
00:19:40,459 --> 00:19:42,634
- And those bits down that side up,
654
00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:44,301
and turn those over.
655
00:19:45,158 --> 00:19:46,952
There you are, Captain Peacock.
656
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:48,525
- Mr Humphries, that is not a paper dart,
657
00:19:48,525 --> 00:19:49,637
it's a paper hat.
658
00:19:49,637 --> 00:19:51,280
(audience laughing)
659
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,423
- (chuckles) So it is.
660
00:19:52,423 --> 00:19:54,188
That was another time, entirely.
661
00:19:54,188 --> 00:19:55,790
He was a vice admiral.
662
00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:56,812
- Do you know,
663
00:19:56,812 --> 00:19:59,018
your life isn't like Jackanory at all.
664
00:19:59,018 --> 00:20:00,742
It's more like Blue Peter.
665
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,536
- Fate has intervened.
666
00:20:02,536 --> 00:20:03,882
I've found a pot of red paint.
667
00:20:03,882 --> 00:20:04,945
- Well, what good's that?
668
00:20:04,945 --> 00:20:06,210
- We could paint the slogan on the wall,
669
00:20:06,210 --> 00:20:07,307
they'll see it all over London.
670
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,890
(all chattering excitedly)
671
00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:16,571
- Well go on then, get cracking!
672
00:20:16,571 --> 00:20:17,692
- Ooh, no, no, I can't do it.
673
00:20:17,692 --> 00:20:19,741
I've got no head for heights.
674
00:20:19,741 --> 00:20:21,209
I can't even take tall girls out.
675
00:20:21,209 --> 00:20:22,324
- I'll gladly do it,
676
00:20:22,324 --> 00:20:24,402
if someone wouldn't mind holding my truss.
677
00:20:24,402 --> 00:20:25,588
(audience laughs)
- Come on, Captain Peacock.
678
00:20:25,588 --> 00:20:27,060
We'll hang onto your coat tails.
679
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:28,860
- I'm afraid I must decline.
680
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:31,362
- I thought you was a fearless soldier.
681
00:20:31,362 --> 00:20:32,221
- Yeah, he wasn't trained
682
00:20:32,221 --> 00:20:34,264
to shell peas upside down.
683
00:20:34,264 --> 00:20:36,934
- You're just plain scared.
- I am not scared!
684
00:20:36,934 --> 00:20:37,767
I'll show you what
685
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:38,978
the men of my corps were made of!
686
00:20:38,978 --> 00:20:39,811
Here!
687
00:20:41,224 --> 00:20:42,821
(shouts)
688
00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:46,147
- Ooh, weak as water,
the whole lot of you!
689
00:20:46,147 --> 00:20:47,621
Here, give that to me.
690
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:50,942
I do all me own decorating at home.
691
00:20:50,942 --> 00:20:52,085
- Well, be careful.
692
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:55,069
- Right, hang onto me ankles!
693
00:20:55,069 --> 00:20:55,934
(audience chuckling)
694
00:20:55,934 --> 00:20:57,693
Now, eh, what was that slogan again?
695
00:20:57,693 --> 00:20:58,842
- Grace--
- Arrgh!
696
00:20:58,842 --> 00:20:59,675
Hold on!
697
00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:03,254
- Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons!
698
00:21:03,254 --> 00:21:05,087
- Right, Grace, guh...
699
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,095
(audience laughing)
700
00:21:08,095 --> 00:21:09,407
Do you think they'll be able to see that
701
00:21:09,407 --> 00:21:11,863
from down there, is it big enough?
702
00:21:11,863 --> 00:21:12,722
- Flippin' hell,
703
00:21:12,722 --> 00:21:13,617
it's big enough to be seen from up here!
704
00:21:13,617 --> 00:21:14,450
(audience laughing)
705
00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,283
- There's only one problem.
706
00:21:15,283 --> 00:21:17,016
They will have to stand on their heads.
707
00:21:17,016 --> 00:21:18,520
You're writing upside-down.
708
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,284
- Oh, pull me up, I'm getting dizzy.
709
00:21:20,284 --> 00:21:21,718
- Right, give me your hand, Mrs Slocombe.
710
00:21:21,718 --> 00:21:23,715
- Ooh! I dropped the pot!
(audience laughing)
711
00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:27,181
- Well, we've attracted
attention now, all right.
712
00:21:27,181 --> 00:21:28,289
- Somehow, I don't think
713
00:21:28,289 --> 00:21:30,704
a red policeman's going to be on our side.
714
00:21:30,704 --> 00:21:32,829
- I don't think you are
managing this very well,
715
00:21:32,829 --> 00:21:33,662
Captain Peacock.
716
00:21:33,662 --> 00:21:34,495
- What do you mean?
717
00:21:34,495 --> 00:21:36,556
- Well, by now they know we're up here.
718
00:21:36,556 --> 00:21:38,930
But they don't know that
we are being militant!
719
00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:41,020
- Yeah, or what we're
being militant about!
720
00:21:41,020 --> 00:21:42,854
- We came up here much too soon.
721
00:21:42,854 --> 00:21:43,922
The first thing we should have done
722
00:21:43,922 --> 00:21:44,990
was to tell Mr Grace
723
00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:47,196
what our grievances were.
724
00:21:47,196 --> 00:21:48,793
- Well, it's too late now.
725
00:21:48,793 --> 00:21:50,023
We're cut off.
726
00:21:50,023 --> 00:21:50,856
- Oh no, it isn't.
727
00:21:50,856 --> 00:21:53,356
Come over here, Mr. Humphries.
728
00:21:54,615 --> 00:21:55,805
- I'm not going to hang meself!
729
00:21:55,805 --> 00:21:57,030
(audience laughing)
There hasn't been a martyr
730
00:21:57,030 --> 00:21:58,864
in my family for 500 years!
731
00:21:58,864 --> 00:21:59,764
(audience laughing)
(salespeople chattering)
732
00:21:59,764 --> 00:22:00,764
- No, but...
733
00:22:05,419 --> 00:22:06,740
- There's another applicant
734
00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:09,353
for the post of Assistant
Secretary, Mr. Grace.
735
00:22:09,353 --> 00:22:11,020
- Well, show her in.
736
00:22:15,138 --> 00:22:16,760
- This is Mr. Grace.
737
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,972
- Thank you, dear, leave us alone.
738
00:22:18,972 --> 00:22:20,487
(audience laughing)
739
00:22:20,487 --> 00:22:21,712
- What's your name?
740
00:22:21,712 --> 00:22:22,936
- Virginia Edwards.
741
00:22:22,936 --> 00:22:24,248
- That's a nice name.
742
00:22:24,248 --> 00:22:26,332
You're a lively little thing!
743
00:22:26,332 --> 00:22:28,950
- Would you like to see
my Curriculum Vitae?
744
00:22:28,950 --> 00:22:31,232
- Not at 10:30 in the morning.
(audience laughs)
745
00:22:31,232 --> 00:22:33,232
Come and sit on my knee.
746
00:22:36,292 --> 00:22:38,366
- Good, you're not too heavy!
747
00:22:38,366 --> 00:22:40,328
Shall we begin the typing test?
748
00:22:40,328 --> 00:22:41,228
- Yes, sir!
749
00:22:41,228 --> 00:22:42,311
- Dear Sir...
750
00:22:44,434 --> 00:22:47,729
I'm not used to working
with such old equipment.
751
00:22:47,729 --> 00:22:50,068
- Well, we all have our crosses to bear.
752
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:53,662
(audience laughing)
753
00:22:53,662 --> 00:22:55,473
- Mr Grace!
- Yes, dear?
754
00:22:55,473 --> 00:22:57,243
- A man's just appeared
outside your window,
755
00:22:57,243 --> 00:22:58,427
and he's beckoning!
756
00:22:58,427 --> 00:23:00,761
- Has he a sickle, and a long white beard?
757
00:23:00,761 --> 00:23:02,282
And is he wearing a nightshirt?
758
00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:04,571
- No.
- Oh, thank heavens for that.
759
00:23:04,571 --> 00:23:05,404
(audience laughing)
760
00:23:05,404 --> 00:23:06,284
(tapping)
761
00:23:06,284 --> 00:23:07,837
It's young Mr. Humphries!
762
00:23:07,837 --> 00:23:09,845
What are you doing out there?
763
00:23:09,845 --> 00:23:11,929
Practicing to be a fairy?
764
00:23:11,929 --> 00:23:13,526
- I've just come to say,
765
00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:15,244
we're all up on the roof,
766
00:23:15,244 --> 00:23:16,225
and we're not coming down,
767
00:23:16,225 --> 00:23:18,738
until our demands have been satisfied!
768
00:23:18,738 --> 00:23:22,030
- I'm in very much the same position.
769
00:23:22,030 --> 00:23:23,179
(audience laughing)
770
00:23:23,179 --> 00:23:24,012
- Come on, Virginia.
771
00:23:24,012 --> 00:23:25,437
Further to our letter
772
00:23:25,437 --> 00:23:28,848
of the (drowned out by laughter).
773
00:23:28,848 --> 00:23:30,170
(thudding and grunting)
774
00:23:30,170 --> 00:23:31,003
- [Peacock] Lower him carefully,
775
00:23:31,003 --> 00:23:31,836
get him over this,
776
00:23:31,836 --> 00:23:34,010
don't let him down.
777
00:23:34,010 --> 00:23:35,485
Careful now,
778
00:23:35,485 --> 00:23:36,318
careful.
779
00:23:38,365 --> 00:23:39,349
- What did he say?
780
00:23:39,349 --> 00:23:40,182
- Oh, he didn't really
781
00:23:40,182 --> 00:23:41,607
have much time to talk to me,
782
00:23:41,607 --> 00:23:43,163
but I managed to attract the attention
783
00:23:43,163 --> 00:23:45,497
of Mr. Patel from Accounts.
784
00:23:45,497 --> 00:23:48,283
He was in the Admin
washroom on the fifth floor.
785
00:23:48,283 --> 00:23:49,589
- Will he spread the word?
786
00:23:49,589 --> 00:23:50,785
- Well, he said he would if he could,
787
00:23:50,785 --> 00:23:52,666
but he could only manage
one thing at a time.
788
00:23:52,666 --> 00:23:54,628
- Did he see your point of view?
789
00:23:54,628 --> 00:23:55,818
- Yes, do you know, that upset him
790
00:23:55,818 --> 00:23:57,599
more than the news.
791
00:23:57,599 --> 00:23:59,602
(emergency siren wailing)
792
00:23:59,602 --> 00:24:00,435
- Oh heck!
793
00:24:00,435 --> 00:24:02,795
The policeman has called
in the Flying Squad!
794
00:24:02,795 --> 00:24:03,985
- Escalate our action,
795
00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:06,353
and we'll sling some bricks
down that ventilator!
796
00:24:06,353 --> 00:24:10,520
(aircraft engine roaring overhead)
797
00:24:13,081 --> 00:24:14,190
- Right...
- Right!
798
00:24:14,190 --> 00:24:15,746
(audience laughing)
799
00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:16,605
- [Peacock] What are you doing?
800
00:24:16,605 --> 00:24:17,667
- Good morning, Brothers.
801
00:24:17,667 --> 00:24:19,722
I've come to tell you,
you have the full support
802
00:24:19,722 --> 00:24:21,197
of the packing department.
803
00:24:21,197 --> 00:24:22,387
- What are you going to do?
804
00:24:22,387 --> 00:24:24,151
- We have passed three resolutions.
805
00:24:24,151 --> 00:24:26,061
One, that we are behind you.
806
00:24:26,061 --> 00:24:28,430
Two, that your case
will rest on the table.
807
00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:30,693
Three, we will not cross your picket line.
808
00:24:30,693 --> 00:24:32,493
- Well, since our picket
line's on the roof,
809
00:24:32,493 --> 00:24:34,623
I don't see that that'll
make much difference.
810
00:24:34,623 --> 00:24:36,504
- What are you going to do now?
811
00:24:36,504 --> 00:24:38,060
- We are going to call
an emergency meeting
812
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:39,041
of the action committee
813
00:24:39,041 --> 00:24:40,312
for the same time next week,
814
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,334
with the view of placing
815
00:24:41,334 --> 00:24:43,261
the whole matter before ACAS.
816
00:24:43,261 --> 00:24:44,161
- That's all very well,
817
00:24:44,161 --> 00:24:45,101
but what are you going to do
818
00:24:45,101 --> 00:24:46,570
this very minute?
819
00:24:46,570 --> 00:24:49,011
- What all unions do when
there's an emergency.
820
00:24:49,011 --> 00:24:49,844
- What's that?
821
00:24:49,844 --> 00:24:50,677
- Put the kettle on.
822
00:24:50,677 --> 00:24:51,510
(audience laughing)
823
00:24:51,510 --> 00:24:55,033
- Just a minute!
(hydraulic whirring)
824
00:24:55,033 --> 00:24:56,665
What's that noise?
825
00:24:56,665 --> 00:24:57,977
- It's coming from the lift shaft.
826
00:24:57,977 --> 00:25:00,894
- Quick, let's see what's going on.
827
00:25:01,907 --> 00:25:03,921
(footsteps thudding)
828
00:25:03,921 --> 00:25:07,004
(hydraulic whirring)
829
00:25:13,250 --> 00:25:15,264
Mr Rumbold, what on Earth are you doing?
830
00:25:15,264 --> 00:25:16,971
- I'm standing on the top of the lift.
831
00:25:16,971 --> 00:25:17,870
I want you all to know,
832
00:25:17,870 --> 00:25:20,366
that I think you're
behaving very irresponsibly.
833
00:25:20,366 --> 00:25:22,201
- Well, what on Earth
are we expected to do?
834
00:25:22,201 --> 00:25:23,553
- Well, look, we in middle management
835
00:25:23,553 --> 00:25:25,190
are bringing every conceivable
836
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:26,996
moral pressure to bear,
837
00:25:26,996 --> 00:25:29,080
and you cut the ground
from beneath our feet.
838
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,738
Who pressed that button?
(audience laughing)
839
00:25:31,738 --> 00:25:33,451
Move me up again at once!
840
00:25:33,451 --> 00:25:35,953
(hydraulic whirring)
(audience laughing)
841
00:25:35,953 --> 00:25:36,786
Nobody likes taking cuts!
842
00:25:36,786 --> 00:25:39,341
But as the Prime Minister said,
843
00:25:39,341 --> 00:25:41,764
"You may not like the medicine,
844
00:25:41,764 --> 00:25:42,669
"but it's the only way
845
00:25:42,669 --> 00:25:44,271
"the patient's going to get well."
846
00:25:44,271 --> 00:25:45,786
Now, look, if we all stick together,
847
00:25:45,786 --> 00:25:46,976
and we'll all pull through
848
00:25:46,976 --> 00:25:48,242
to better times.
849
00:25:48,242 --> 00:25:49,972
Let's have some of the spirit of Drake
850
00:25:49,972 --> 00:25:52,224
and Nelson, and Winston Churchill!
851
00:25:52,224 --> 00:25:53,652
Now, what about it?
852
00:25:53,652 --> 00:25:54,485
- Well, sir.
853
00:25:54,485 --> 00:25:55,736
I think your mention of Churchill
854
00:25:55,736 --> 00:25:57,292
has struck the right note.
855
00:25:57,292 --> 00:25:58,307
Don't you agree?
856
00:25:58,307 --> 00:25:59,474
- [All] We do!
857
00:26:01,010 --> 00:26:02,442
- Take it down.
858
00:26:02,442 --> 00:26:03,502
(combustion bangs)
859
00:26:03,502 --> 00:26:06,073
- (gasps) Oh, you've blown a fuse!
860
00:26:06,073 --> 00:26:08,366
- Well, seems as if you're with us
861
00:26:08,366 --> 00:26:09,928
after all, Mr Rumbold.
862
00:26:09,928 --> 00:26:11,031
- I'll take the stairs.
863
00:26:11,031 --> 00:26:11,864
- You can't.
864
00:26:11,864 --> 00:26:13,481
Captain Peacock has boarded them up.
865
00:26:13,481 --> 00:26:14,555
- Well, this is intolerable.
866
00:26:14,555 --> 00:26:15,698
How am I going to get down?
867
00:26:15,698 --> 00:26:16,531
- Jump off the parapet
868
00:26:16,531 --> 00:26:17,364
and flap your ears!
869
00:26:17,364 --> 00:26:18,197
- How dare you!
(audience laughs)
870
00:26:18,197 --> 00:26:19,030
- Look at the smoke
871
00:26:19,030 --> 00:26:19,863
that's coming through the ventilator!
872
00:26:19,863 --> 00:26:21,968
- I wonder where that's coming from?
873
00:26:21,968 --> 00:26:22,867
- [Brahms] Ohh!
874
00:26:22,867 --> 00:26:24,800
Do you think the building's on fire?
875
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,513
- It's probably fumes from the canteen.
876
00:26:26,513 --> 00:26:27,941
They're always burning something.
877
00:26:27,941 --> 00:26:29,665
- Maybe they're doing smoked haddock!
878
00:26:29,665 --> 00:26:30,687
(audience laughing)
879
00:26:30,687 --> 00:26:31,546
(alarm bell ringing)
880
00:26:31,546 --> 00:26:32,446
No, it's not smoked haddock.
881
00:26:32,446 --> 00:26:33,386
- The building's on fire!
882
00:26:33,386 --> 00:26:34,948
- Women and children first!
883
00:26:34,948 --> 00:26:38,031
(excited chattering)
884
00:26:43,994 --> 00:26:45,222
(all cry out)
885
00:26:45,222 --> 00:26:46,893
- What are we gonna do!
886
00:26:46,893 --> 00:26:48,461
That siren wasn't the law,
887
00:26:48,461 --> 00:26:49,889
it's the fire brigade!
888
00:26:49,889 --> 00:26:51,201
Oh, look!
889
00:26:51,201 --> 00:26:53,372
(audience laughing)
890
00:26:53,372 --> 00:26:54,434
- Right then, who's first?
891
00:26:54,434 --> 00:26:55,293
- [Slocombe] I am!
892
00:26:55,293 --> 00:26:56,876
- [Brahms] Then me!
893
00:27:01,460 --> 00:27:02,834
- Blimey!
894
00:27:02,834 --> 00:27:03,667
Bert!
895
00:27:03,667 --> 00:27:04,680
We'll need the stronger ladder!
896
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:05,748
(audience laughing)
897
00:27:05,748 --> 00:27:06,581
- [Rumbold] What's happening?
898
00:27:06,581 --> 00:27:07,629
- Well, the packing department
899
00:27:07,629 --> 00:27:08,819
knocked over the gas ring,
900
00:27:08,819 --> 00:27:10,862
and the bargain basement's alight.
901
00:27:10,862 --> 00:27:11,802
- Aha!
902
00:27:11,802 --> 00:27:13,358
Well, every cloud has a silver lining.
903
00:27:13,358 --> 00:27:16,221
At least they can't
send us down there now.
904
00:27:16,221 --> 00:27:17,054
- You!
905
00:27:17,054 --> 00:27:17,926
- You!
906
00:27:17,926 --> 00:27:20,143
- What happened to the
Benedictine monastery?
907
00:27:20,143 --> 00:27:21,455
- Well, it's a long story.
908
00:27:21,455 --> 00:27:23,899
- Ooh, you can tell me on the way down!
909
00:27:23,899 --> 00:27:28,066
(audience laughing and applauding)
910
00:27:28,932 --> 00:27:30,441
("Are You Being Served" sung
by Stephanie Gathercole)
911
00:27:30,441 --> 00:27:33,303
(cash register jingling and clashing)
912
00:27:33,303 --> 00:27:34,726
♫ Ground floor, perfumery
913
00:27:34,726 --> 00:27:36,113
♫ Stationery and leather goods
914
00:27:36,113 --> 00:27:37,500
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
915
00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:40,983
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
916
00:27:40,983 --> 00:27:44,829
(cash register jingling and clashing)
917
00:27:44,829 --> 00:27:46,332
♫ First floor, telephones
918
00:27:46,332 --> 00:27:47,853
♫ Gents' ready made suits
919
00:27:47,853 --> 00:27:49,246
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
920
00:27:49,246 --> 00:27:53,329
♫ Underwear, and shoes, going up
921
00:27:56,445 --> 00:27:57,832
♫ Second floor, carpets
922
00:27:57,832 --> 00:27:59,312
♫ Travel goods and bedding
923
00:27:59,312 --> 00:28:00,793
♫ Materials, soft furnishings
924
00:28:00,793 --> 00:28:04,960
♫ Restaurant and teas, going down
925
00:28:07,968 --> 00:28:09,407
♫ First floor, telephones
926
00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:10,887
♫ Gents' ready-made suits,
927
00:28:10,887 --> 00:28:12,362
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
928
00:28:12,362 --> 00:28:16,445
♫ Underwear and shoes, going up
63639
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