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1
00:00:20,709 --> 00:00:22,205
- Good morning, Captain Peacock.
2
00:00:22,205 --> 00:00:23,702
- Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
3
00:00:23,702 --> 00:00:26,869
(Mrs. Slocombe sighs)
4
00:00:33,624 --> 00:00:36,292
Come along, Mrs. Slocombe;
it's nearly nine o'clock.
5
00:00:36,292 --> 00:00:38,525
- Captain Peacock, if you was a gentleman,
6
00:00:38,525 --> 00:00:40,537
you'd see that I've got my arm stuck,
7
00:00:40,537 --> 00:00:42,407
and you'd give me a hand.
8
00:00:42,407 --> 00:00:44,421
- Mr. Spooner, are you free?
9
00:00:44,421 --> 00:00:46,200
- We don't open 'til
nine, Captain Peacock.
10
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'Til then, I can employ
my time any way I like.
11
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,302
- How would you like to do some
stock taking after we close?
12
00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:52,135
(audience tittering)
13
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,815
- I'm free, I'm free.
14
00:00:53,815 --> 00:00:55,875
- Mrs. Slocombe appears
to be trapped in her coat.
15
00:00:55,875 --> 00:00:57,282
Would you please assist her?
16
00:00:57,282 --> 00:01:00,143
- (heels click) Very good, sir.
17
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:02,365
- Oh thank you, Mr. Spooner.
18
00:01:02,365 --> 00:01:05,688
I seem to have got it stuck
on my chunky bracelet.
19
00:01:05,688 --> 00:01:07,747
- More likely be caught
on your chunky arm.
20
00:01:07,747 --> 00:01:08,818
(audience laughing)
21
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Here, let's have a go.
22
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(coat sleeve rips)
23
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(audience laughing and gasping)
24
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Uh... will there be anything else?
25
00:01:16,721 --> 00:01:19,061
- Yes; who's going to pay for this?
26
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It's solid silk.
27
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- Grace Brothers are only responsible
28
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for accidents which occur
during working hours,
29
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and we don't open for another 21 seconds.
30
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- If you wanna put your
coat back on, Mrs. Slocombe,
31
00:01:30,703 --> 00:01:33,524
we'll try again in 30 seconds,
then you can put in a claim.
32
00:01:33,524 --> 00:01:36,926
- Get out of my area
before I bat yer earhole.
33
00:01:36,926 --> 00:01:37,809
(audience tittering)
34
00:01:37,809 --> 00:01:39,686
- Oh, where is Miss Brahms?
35
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In another second, she's going to be late.
36
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(hurried footsteps)
37
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- (gasps) Sorry I was very
nearly late, Captain Peacock,
38
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but I had a lift in a
chauffeur-driven car,
39
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and when I tried to get
out, I was molested.
40
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- Hm? Well, this is disgraceful.
41
00:01:55,673 --> 00:01:57,025
Did you get the number of the vehicle?
42
00:01:57,025 --> 00:01:58,148
- Yes, I did.
43
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- Did you get a good
look at your attacker?
44
00:01:59,722 --> 00:02:00,628
- I did.
45
00:02:00,628 --> 00:02:02,386
- And would you recognize
him if you saw him again?
46
00:02:02,386 --> 00:02:03,410
- I would.
47
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:04,540
- Yes, well I feel it my duty
48
00:02:04,540 --> 00:02:06,454
to report this matter to the police.
49
00:02:06,454 --> 00:02:08,610
It's disgraceful that young
women can't accept lifts
50
00:02:08,610 --> 00:02:11,183
without being molested in this fashion.
51
00:02:11,183 --> 00:02:12,777
You shall have my full
support in this matter.
52
00:02:12,777 --> 00:02:15,253
- Oh thank you, Captain Peacock.
53
00:02:15,253 --> 00:02:18,770
(elevator bell dings)
54
00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:20,871
(audience tittering)
- Good morning, everybody.
55
00:02:20,871 --> 00:02:22,413
- [Staff] Good morning, Mr. Grace.
56
00:02:22,413 --> 00:02:24,336
- You've all done very well.
57
00:02:24,336 --> 00:02:26,119
Oh, you haven't started yet.
58
00:02:26,119 --> 00:02:27,531
(audience tittering)
- Sir, if I might
59
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have your attention for a moment?
60
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- Try this one; it works better.
61
00:02:31,127 --> 00:02:32,534
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Grace,
62
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a very serious matter has come up,
63
00:02:33,981 --> 00:02:36,085
and I'd like your permission
to contact the police.
64
00:02:36,085 --> 00:02:38,474
- Ah, before you tell
me, I just dropped in
65
00:02:38,474 --> 00:02:41,475
to give that young lady her umbrella back.
66
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She left it in my car.
67
00:02:43,201 --> 00:02:45,308
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
68
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How very good of you, sir.
69
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- Yes. What was it you were
saying about the police?
70
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- Um... it was to see if they'd
found this very umbrella.
71
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(chuckles) They're most expensive,
72
00:02:54,115 --> 00:02:56,173
and Miss Brahms was upset about losing it.
73
00:02:56,173 --> 00:02:59,123
- You ask me, she'd be
upset about losing anything.
74
00:02:59,123 --> 00:03:01,460
(audience laughing)
75
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:03,149
Well, carry on, everybody.
76
00:03:03,149 --> 00:03:05,303
You've all done very well.
77
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Except one of you.
78
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(audience laughing)
79
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- [Staff] Thank you, Mr. Grace.
80
00:03:10,877 --> 00:03:13,496
- It's one law for the rich,
and another for the poor.
81
00:03:13,496 --> 00:03:15,879
- Well, I expect you
was bein' provocative.
82
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- I was not!
83
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Crikey, wot's that?
84
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- It's his gold watch and chain!
85
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However did it get down there?
86
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(audience tittering)
- Ooh.
87
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It must've dropped off when he leant over
88
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to lock the car door.
89
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I've a good mind to keep it.
90
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,569
- Miss Brahms, we wouldn't like to think
91
00:03:31,569 --> 00:03:35,029
you were just a good-time girl. (chuckles)
92
00:03:35,029 --> 00:03:37,000
Shall I give it back to Mr. Grace?
93
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Oh, I say; it's a Hunter.
94
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- If it'd been down there long enough,
95
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it probably woulda found something.
96
00:03:41,026 --> 00:03:42,799
(audience laughing)
97
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♫ Rollin' round the world
98
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♫ A'lookin' for--
99
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- Special delivery for
the Men's Department.
100
00:03:48,970 --> 00:03:51,360
- Mr. Harman, you are
not allowed on the floor
101
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:52,943
after nine o'clock.
102
00:03:54,351 --> 00:03:55,942
- I tell ya what I'll do.
103
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I'll save up and buy a 'ot-air balloon,
104
00:03:58,143 --> 00:03:59,687
then I can float it across the floor
105
00:03:59,687 --> 00:04:01,747
untouched by human hands.
106
00:04:01,747 --> 00:04:04,088
Altern-ively, I will
study under Uri Geller
107
00:04:04,088 --> 00:04:07,023
and will improve my mental
concentration to the point
108
00:04:07,023 --> 00:04:09,343
that I can lift it by
mental tep-lef-fathy.
109
00:04:09,343 --> 00:04:10,643
(audience tittering)
And if I do,
110
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you mustn't shout at
me, because if you do,
111
00:04:12,936 --> 00:04:14,810
I shall lack concentration
112
00:04:14,810 --> 00:04:16,591
and it'll prob'ly drop on your 'ead.
113
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(audience tittering)
- I shall ignore
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your attempt to be insolent.
115
00:04:19,761 --> 00:04:20,793
- If you're ignorin' it,
116
00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:22,426
why're all them little veins standin' out
117
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on your neck?
(audience laughing)
118
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- Get off the floor, Mr. Harman.
119
00:04:25,129 --> 00:04:26,670
I shan't speak to you again.
120
00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:27,609
- A message came with it.
121
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Shall I take that with me?
122
00:04:29,947 --> 00:04:31,448
Oh, you're holdin' out your hand.
123
00:04:31,448 --> 00:04:33,269
Do you want the note?
124
00:04:33,269 --> 00:04:34,866
Ah, p'raps you'd like
me to read it for you.
125
00:04:34,866 --> 00:04:36,081
- Give me the note.
126
00:04:36,081 --> 00:04:37,345
- Oh, he spoke; that's nice.
127
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We're friends again.
128
00:04:38,325 --> 00:04:39,548
(audience tittering)
129
00:04:39,548 --> 00:04:41,133
- It's a cargo note from the docks.
130
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:43,101
It reads Very Fragile.
131
00:04:43,101 --> 00:04:44,457
I can't make out the signature.
132
00:04:44,457 --> 00:04:47,034
- 'Ere, let me; me eyes are younger.
133
00:04:47,034 --> 00:04:48,437
Oh, it's from Mr. Humphries.
134
00:04:48,437 --> 00:04:50,494
- Well, what's Mr. Humphries
sending that's fragile?
135
00:04:50,494 --> 00:04:52,116
- We'll soon find out.
136
00:04:52,116 --> 00:04:55,784
(crowbar clanking on crate)
137
00:04:57,643 --> 00:05:01,810
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
138
00:05:04,474 --> 00:05:05,553
- Mr. Humphries!
139
00:05:05,553 --> 00:05:07,471
- I know, I know, I'm late.
140
00:05:07,471 --> 00:05:08,925
The delivery van had a puncture.
141
00:05:08,925 --> 00:05:10,232
(audience laughing)
142
00:05:10,232 --> 00:05:12,430
- Have you been to a fancy dress party?
143
00:05:12,430 --> 00:05:14,071
- No, I've been to quite a normal party
144
00:05:14,071 --> 00:05:15,803
on a British ship. (chuckles)
145
00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:17,251
Well, as normal as can be expected.
146
00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:18,236
(audience tittering)
147
00:05:18,236 --> 00:05:20,433
Y'know, I had one
drambuie shandy too many,
148
00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:23,198
so I thought I'll walk round
the ship to sober meself up.
149
00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:25,068
(chuckles) Well, when I got back on deck,
150
00:05:25,068 --> 00:05:26,658
we were puffin' up an estuary.
151
00:05:26,658 --> 00:05:28,252
(audience tittering)
- How awful!
152
00:05:28,252 --> 00:05:29,279
How did ye get off?
153
00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:30,918
- Well, there was a tug pullin' us out,
154
00:05:30,918 --> 00:05:33,821
so I climbed down this
rope over the raging sea,
155
00:05:33,821 --> 00:05:35,510
and I hurled meself on the deck.
156
00:05:35,510 --> 00:05:37,330
- Oh, Mr. Humphries, how brave.
157
00:05:37,330 --> 00:05:40,233
- Mm. Well, when you're playin'
poker with six big stokers
158
00:05:40,233 --> 00:05:42,620
and you're going to put all
your worldly possessions
159
00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:44,026
on a jack and two tens,
160
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then ye find out that somebody's
holdin' a pair o' queens,
161
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you don't stop to think.
162
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:51,138
(audience laughing)
(cash register music)
163
00:05:51,138 --> 00:05:54,323
- Well, I accept your excuse
for being late, Mr. Humphries.
164
00:05:54,323 --> 00:05:55,776
At least it's more believable than when
165
00:05:55,776 --> 00:05:58,206
you claimed to have been
arrested as an illegal immigrant
166
00:05:58,206 --> 00:06:01,111
after spending a week-end
down a coal mine in Tonypandy.
167
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,000
(audience tittering)
168
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,681
- That story was perfectly true.
169
00:06:03,681 --> 00:06:05,934
I've got a hat with a little
lamp on the front to prove it.
170
00:06:05,934 --> 00:06:06,963
(audience tittering)
171
00:06:06,963 --> 00:06:08,978
- Sir, would you mind
signing this requisition
172
00:06:08,978 --> 00:06:11,077
for the clothes that Mr.
Humphries is now wearing?
173
00:06:11,077 --> 00:06:12,247
- Ah yes, certainly.
174
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,703
- When he returns them, we can put them
175
00:06:13,703 --> 00:06:15,430
back into stock as shop-soiled.
176
00:06:15,430 --> 00:06:17,863
(audience tittering)
177
00:06:17,863 --> 00:06:19,057
- You know, I still don't understand
178
00:06:19,057 --> 00:06:20,933
what actually happened to his own clothes.
179
00:06:20,933 --> 00:06:22,292
- I thought I'd explained that.
180
00:06:22,292 --> 00:06:23,926
I was trying to win them back.
181
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,017
(chuckles)
(audience tittering)
182
00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:26,324
It's funny to think, isn't it?
183
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Somewhere on the high seas
is a very well dressed man
184
00:06:29,278 --> 00:06:30,962
shoveling coke into a boiler.
185
00:06:30,962 --> 00:06:32,409
(audience laughing)
186
00:06:32,409 --> 00:06:34,519
- Ah well, the more we get
to know you, Mr. Humphries,
187
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,953
the less amazing it seems. (chuckles)
188
00:06:35,953 --> 00:06:37,643
(audience laughing)
189
00:06:37,643 --> 00:06:40,308
Yes; you are, after all,
quite an unusual person.
190
00:06:40,308 --> 00:06:41,715
- (chuckles) It has been mentioned.
191
00:06:41,715 --> 00:06:43,804
(audience laughing)
192
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,598
- For that reason, it has been
decided at management level
193
00:06:46,598 --> 00:06:48,280
to offer you a very special job
194
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,875
which requires your special talent.
195
00:06:49,875 --> 00:06:50,708
- Oh, yeah?
196
00:06:50,708 --> 00:06:52,211
- Yes, pull up a chair and sit down.
197
00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:53,130
- Thank you.
198
00:06:53,130 --> 00:06:54,740
(papers rustle)
199
00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:57,824
(audience tittering)
200
00:07:00,206 --> 00:07:02,350
(audience laughing)
201
00:07:02,350 --> 00:07:04,596
- There's only one chair.
202
00:07:04,596 --> 00:07:06,466
- Well, I only asked
one person to sit down.
203
00:07:06,466 --> 00:07:08,524
(audience laughing)
204
00:07:08,524 --> 00:07:11,848
Now, Old Mr. Grace has
decided that our store
205
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,861
should have its very own magazine.
206
00:07:13,861 --> 00:07:15,034
You know the sort of thing;
207
00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:17,603
gossip, titbits, who's who.
208
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:18,731
- And who's what.
209
00:07:18,731 --> 00:07:20,344
(audience tittering)
210
00:07:20,344 --> 00:07:21,982
- General information.
211
00:07:21,982 --> 00:07:23,341
Perhaps a beauty contest.
212
00:07:23,341 --> 00:07:25,543
Now, you always seem to
be up with the gossip,
213
00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:27,197
and you mix very freely with people.
214
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,754
- Mm. What you say does have
a ring of truth about it.
215
00:07:29,754 --> 00:07:30,642
(audience tittering)
216
00:07:30,642 --> 00:07:33,354
- So we've decided to
offer you the editorship.
217
00:07:33,354 --> 00:07:35,740
- I'm sure Mr. Humphries
is very flattered, sir.
218
00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:36,913
- Do I get extra money?
219
00:07:36,913 --> 00:07:37,988
- Ah, 'fraid not.
220
00:07:37,988 --> 00:07:39,298
- Mr. Humphries isn't very flattered.
221
00:07:39,298 --> 00:07:40,939
(audience laughing)
222
00:07:40,939 --> 00:07:42,621
- You will get a lot of prestige,
223
00:07:42,621 --> 00:07:45,618
and your name will be up there in print!
224
00:07:45,618 --> 00:07:47,166
- I hope it's gonna be bigger than that.
225
00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:48,427
(audience laughing)
226
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,487
- What are we going to
call the magazine, sir?
227
00:07:50,487 --> 00:07:52,359
- Ah, now, we had a very long meeting
228
00:07:52,359 --> 00:07:54,436
and discussion about this at...
229
00:07:54,436 --> 00:07:56,067
Boardroom level,
(audience tittering)
230
00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:59,153
and we came up with a
couple of very good ideas.
231
00:07:59,153 --> 00:08:00,372
Let me see; ah, yes.
232
00:08:00,372 --> 00:08:04,022
The first idea was What's On In The Store,
233
00:08:04,022 --> 00:08:07,582
and the second idea was
What's Up In The Store.
234
00:08:07,582 --> 00:08:09,549
- Well, I think if my
name's going to be up there,
235
00:08:09,549 --> 00:08:11,250
perhaps What's On In The Store. (chuckles)
236
00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:12,516
(audience laughing)
237
00:08:12,516 --> 00:08:14,296
- Well, you're in charge, Mr. Humphries.
238
00:08:14,296 --> 00:08:16,543
Oh, and by the way, the
Photographic Department
239
00:08:16,543 --> 00:08:18,395
is at your disposal,
should you wish to put in
240
00:08:18,395 --> 00:08:20,929
a photograph of any member
of the staff with a story,
241
00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:23,166
and that does, of course,
include management.
242
00:08:23,166 --> 00:08:25,268
- I shall need some
time off the floor, sir.
243
00:08:25,268 --> 00:08:27,516
For that, I require Captain
Peacock's permission.
244
00:08:27,516 --> 00:08:29,671
- Couldn't you talk to
people in your coffee break?
245
00:08:29,671 --> 00:08:31,498
- Well, supposing I want
to take a photograph?
246
00:08:31,498 --> 00:08:32,758
You know the sort of thing.
247
00:08:32,758 --> 00:08:35,618
Hardworking executive
at his desk. (chuckles)
248
00:08:35,618 --> 00:08:38,702
By the way, Mr. Rumbold,
which is your best side?
249
00:08:38,702 --> 00:08:39,737
- I'm never sure.
250
00:08:39,737 --> 00:08:41,745
(Mr. Humphries chuckles)
(audience laughing)
251
00:08:41,745 --> 00:08:43,891
- With a face like yours,
you're rather spoilt for choice.
252
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,272
(audience laughing)
253
00:08:46,272 --> 00:08:48,184
I would say the left.
254
00:08:48,184 --> 00:08:50,845
- Yes, yes; I can see you
might have to leave the floor
255
00:08:50,845 --> 00:08:53,092
for that sort of thing,
so you have my permission,
256
00:08:53,092 --> 00:08:54,961
which of course overrides
Captain Peacock's permission.
257
00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:56,084
(audience laughing)
258
00:08:56,084 --> 00:08:57,773
- Thank you, sir.
259
00:08:57,773 --> 00:08:58,881
- Yes, well I think that's all.
260
00:08:58,881 --> 00:09:01,030
Now remember, this is an in-store thing.
261
00:09:01,030 --> 00:09:03,180
Nothing too serious,
nothing controversial;
262
00:09:03,180 --> 00:09:05,581
just keep it all light and gay.
263
00:09:05,581 --> 00:09:06,791
- I'll keep it as light as possible.
264
00:09:06,791 --> 00:09:08,150
(audience laughing)
265
00:09:08,150 --> 00:09:09,693
- Oh, a word of advice.
266
00:09:09,693 --> 00:09:13,346
As a tactical move, I'd have
a picture of Old Mr. Grace
267
00:09:13,346 --> 00:09:16,714
on the front page of the
first issue; he'd like that.
268
00:09:16,714 --> 00:09:19,289
- It's not surprising you
are where you are, sir.
269
00:09:19,289 --> 00:09:20,741
(audience tittering)
270
00:09:20,741 --> 00:09:22,566
- P'raps Mr. Grace would
like to be photographed
271
00:09:22,566 --> 00:09:24,161
standing next to myself.
272
00:09:24,161 --> 00:09:25,672
Yes, sort of congratulating me
273
00:09:25,672 --> 00:09:27,409
on the efficiency of my department.
274
00:09:27,409 --> 00:09:29,527
- Well, either that or with
your secretary on his knee,
275
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:30,464
showing a bit of leg.
276
00:09:30,464 --> 00:09:32,196
I mean, that should
improve the circulation.
277
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:34,565
- Mm. Won't do the
magazine much harm, either.
278
00:09:34,565 --> 00:09:38,538
(audience laughing)
(cash register music)
279
00:09:38,538 --> 00:09:39,992
- Now, have you decided which young lady
280
00:09:39,992 --> 00:09:42,331
is going to sit on your knee, Mr. Grace?
281
00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:44,434
- It's hard to decide.
282
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:46,307
- I bet he's been awake all
mornin' thinkin' about it.
283
00:09:46,307 --> 00:09:47,383
(audience tittering)
284
00:09:47,383 --> 00:09:49,745
- This is going to make
a splendid front cover.
285
00:09:49,745 --> 00:09:52,043
It'll show, behind that firm exterior,
286
00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:53,682
you have a sense of fun.
287
00:09:53,682 --> 00:09:55,461
- At his age, he's lucky to
'ave a sense of anything.
288
00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:56,766
(audience tittering)
289
00:09:56,766 --> 00:09:59,154
- Who's it going to be then, Mr. Grace?
290
00:09:59,154 --> 00:10:01,635
- Stop trying to sway my opinion,
291
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:02,718
and sit down.
292
00:10:04,727 --> 00:10:07,112
- Oh, yes; that's very informal.
293
00:10:07,112 --> 00:10:09,620
Me. (chuckles)
294
00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:11,649
P'raps you'd like to
show a bit of leg, dear.
295
00:10:11,649 --> 00:10:12,482
Thank you.
296
00:10:14,370 --> 00:10:16,374
- Lookin' through 'ere, it's
just like a scene from Dallas.
297
00:10:16,374 --> 00:10:18,293
(audience laughing)
298
00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:19,916
- What about me, Mr. Grace?
299
00:10:19,916 --> 00:10:21,361
You promised you'd put me in it.
300
00:10:21,361 --> 00:10:23,512
- That was a different
conversation altogether.
301
00:10:23,512 --> 00:10:26,117
(audience laughing)
302
00:10:26,117 --> 00:10:29,487
- I won't throw my weight there. (giggles)
303
00:10:29,487 --> 00:10:31,265
Now, it'll only take a moment.
304
00:10:31,265 --> 00:10:32,950
- Yeah, one quick flash
an' it'll all be over.
305
00:10:32,950 --> 00:10:34,308
(audience laughing)
306
00:10:34,308 --> 00:10:35,759
- The story of my life.
307
00:10:35,759 --> 00:10:37,170
(audience laughing)
308
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:39,362
- I can't see much of you, Mr. Grace.
309
00:10:39,362 --> 00:10:41,456
Fact, I c'n hardly see anything.
310
00:10:41,456 --> 00:10:43,374
- I can see quite a lot from here.
311
00:10:43,374 --> 00:10:44,207
(audience tittering)
312
00:10:44,207 --> 00:10:48,010
- Girls, could you lean back
so that we can see our founder?
313
00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:50,066
- Hurry up, the blood's stopped in me leg.
314
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,144
(audience laughing)
315
00:10:51,144 --> 00:10:52,685
- I want lots of movement with the hair.
316
00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,326
Toss ye head back, like that.
317
00:10:54,326 --> 00:10:55,399
(chuckles) That's it.
318
00:10:55,399 --> 00:10:56,943
- Come on, come on, get on with it.
319
00:10:56,943 --> 00:10:58,259
Is my tie straight?
320
00:10:58,259 --> 00:11:00,127
- Yes, yes; come on now, plenty o' teeth.
321
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:01,020
Those who've got 'em.
322
00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:02,377
(audience tittering)
323
00:11:02,377 --> 00:11:03,781
- Oh, oh! Ow, oh!
324
00:11:03,781 --> 00:11:05,138
- [Nurse] What is it, Mr. Grace?
325
00:11:05,138 --> 00:11:06,351
- My leg's gone to sleep!
326
00:11:06,351 --> 00:11:07,802
You'll have to get off.
327
00:11:07,802 --> 00:11:08,715
- We won't be a minute.
328
00:11:08,715 --> 00:11:09,786
- It might spread.
329
00:11:09,786 --> 00:11:10,619
(audience laughing)
330
00:11:10,619 --> 00:11:11,953
- Five,
331
00:11:11,953 --> 00:11:12,826
four,
332
00:11:12,826 --> 00:11:13,903
three,
333
00:11:13,903 --> 00:11:14,982
two--
334
00:11:14,982 --> 00:11:16,262
(women shriek)
(Mr. Humphries shrieks)
335
00:11:16,262 --> 00:11:19,500
(audience laughing)
336
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:20,892
- [Spooner] Look at this.
337
00:11:20,892 --> 00:11:24,123
(teacups clink)
338
00:11:24,123 --> 00:11:25,948
- Well, it's certainly informal.
339
00:11:25,948 --> 00:11:28,240
- I've explained how that came about.
340
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,645
Now, these are the other ones,
341
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,714
and that's the one I'm going to use.
342
00:11:31,714 --> 00:11:33,770
- He has a good life up there.
343
00:11:33,770 --> 00:11:36,491
I hope I can get a pretty
girl to sit on my knee
344
00:11:36,491 --> 00:11:37,796
when I'm his age.
345
00:11:37,796 --> 00:11:39,253
- (chuckles) I agree, yes.
346
00:11:39,253 --> 00:11:41,071
As a matter of fact, as I get older,
347
00:11:41,071 --> 00:11:42,290
it's very encouraging to find
348
00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:44,011
that young women seem to appreciate
349
00:11:44,011 --> 00:11:46,821
sophisticated humor, charm and maturity.
350
00:11:46,821 --> 00:11:49,155
- Y'mean Miss Hurst, the
raver from Novelty Candles?
351
00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:49,988
(audience tittering)
352
00:11:49,988 --> 00:11:52,058
- I had nobody particular in mind.
353
00:11:52,058 --> 00:11:54,211
- From wot I can remember,
she's not very particular.
354
00:11:54,211 --> 00:11:55,571
(audience tittering)
- Oh, I see.
355
00:11:55,571 --> 00:11:57,955
Been havin' a go there an' all, have you?
356
00:11:57,955 --> 00:11:59,213
(audience tittering)
- I didn't say that.
357
00:11:59,213 --> 00:12:01,742
- Oh, you do make me laugh, you men,
358
00:12:01,742 --> 00:12:03,986
the way you talk about us women.
359
00:12:03,986 --> 00:12:07,029
Don't you realize that
girls only do these things
360
00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:09,135
for people like Old Mr. Grace
361
00:12:09,135 --> 00:12:12,038
out of kindness and sympathy?
362
00:12:12,038 --> 00:12:13,586
- And because he's rich.
363
00:12:13,586 --> 00:12:14,940
(audience laughing)
364
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:16,348
- Look who's talkin'; you mean to tell me
365
00:12:16,348 --> 00:12:17,795
you wouldn't sit on an old man's knee
366
00:12:17,795 --> 00:12:19,917
and put yer arms round
'im for a thousand quid?
367
00:12:19,917 --> 00:12:21,748
- Oh, I might.
368
00:12:21,748 --> 00:12:23,054
- Well, would you for a pound?
369
00:12:23,054 --> 00:12:23,887
- Certainly not!
370
00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:25,660
Wot you think I am?
(audience laughing)
371
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:26,831
- Willin', but expensive.
372
00:12:26,831 --> 00:12:28,603
(audience laughing)
373
00:12:28,603 --> 00:12:29,961
- You'd have to fork out a few bob
374
00:12:29,961 --> 00:12:31,976
if you expectin' me to sit on your knee.
375
00:12:31,976 --> 00:12:33,897
- I agree; I'd want danger money.
376
00:12:33,897 --> 00:12:34,971
(audience laughing)
377
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,539
- If you sat on me knee,
I'd want danger money.
378
00:12:36,539 --> 00:12:38,178
(audience laughing)
379
00:12:38,178 --> 00:12:39,441
Not to mention scaffoldin'.
380
00:12:39,441 --> 00:12:40,567
(audience laughing)
381
00:12:40,567 --> 00:12:43,560
- Don't be cheeky to senior staff.
382
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,965
- What are you writing
there, Mr. Humphries?
383
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,789
- Oh, it's for the magazine.
384
00:12:46,789 --> 00:12:48,428
"The continual battle of the sexes
385
00:12:48,428 --> 00:12:51,146
"rages on unabated on the first floor.
386
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:53,718
"Will young Mr. Spooner
succeed in his endeavors
387
00:12:53,718 --> 00:12:56,618
"to make Miss Brahms
fall for his macho charm?
388
00:12:56,618 --> 00:12:58,025
(audience tittering)
389
00:12:58,025 --> 00:12:59,618
"Their love-hate relationship
390
00:12:59,618 --> 00:13:02,052
"reached a new climax
in the canteen today,
391
00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:04,533
"when she suggested
payment for her favors."
392
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:05,366
(Miss Brahms gasps)
393
00:13:05,366 --> 00:13:06,271
(audience laughing)
394
00:13:06,271 --> 00:13:07,393
- How dare you!
395
00:13:07,393 --> 00:13:08,749
I never said that.
396
00:13:08,749 --> 00:13:10,996
- Mr. Humphries, you're
twisting what was said!
397
00:13:10,996 --> 00:13:12,916
- Well, it's gossip; it's
up to me as the editor
398
00:13:12,916 --> 00:13:14,275
to make it interesting.
399
00:13:14,275 --> 00:13:15,724
- Yes, I agree with Mr. Humphries.
400
00:13:15,724 --> 00:13:18,174
(chuckles) I think
you're both overreacting.
401
00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:21,267
It's just a bit of store
gossip, all very harmless.
402
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,412
- Oh well, I suppose you're right.
403
00:13:23,412 --> 00:13:25,242
Will you be taking a copy home?
404
00:13:25,242 --> 00:13:26,409
- I don't see why not.
405
00:13:26,409 --> 00:13:28,888
My wife is always interested
in what goes on here.
406
00:13:28,888 --> 00:13:30,711
- Ooh, she'll love this bit.
407
00:13:30,711 --> 00:13:31,791
(audience laughing)
408
00:13:31,791 --> 00:13:35,910
It's headed Femme Fatale
In Novelty Candles.
409
00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:37,548
"It has come to our editor's notice
410
00:13:37,548 --> 00:13:40,446
"that Miss B. Hurst of Novelty Candles
411
00:13:40,446 --> 00:13:44,049
"has a certain member of
the staff in quite a tizz.
412
00:13:44,049 --> 00:13:47,187
"Her latest suitor is
flirtatious floorwalker
413
00:13:47,187 --> 00:13:51,204
"Captain Stephen Peacock,
(audience laughing)
414
00:13:51,204 --> 00:13:54,717
"55,
(audience laughing)
415
00:13:54,717 --> 00:13:56,963
"whose conduct at the last Christmas party
416
00:13:56,963 --> 00:14:00,053
"resulted in his being
banned from Haberdashery
417
00:14:00,053 --> 00:14:01,361
"for three months."
418
00:14:01,361 --> 00:14:02,627
- How dare you, Mr. Humphries!
419
00:14:02,627 --> 00:14:03,805
Give me that.
420
00:14:03,805 --> 00:14:06,417
What if my wife were
to get a hold of this?
421
00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:08,616
- Don't you think you're overreacting?
422
00:14:08,616 --> 00:14:09,834
(audience laughing)
423
00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:11,098
- Shut up.
424
00:14:11,098 --> 00:14:13,707
Now, I can make life
very difficult for you
425
00:14:13,707 --> 00:14:15,254
on the floor, Mr. Humphries.
426
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:16,654
Come to that, we all can.
427
00:14:16,654 --> 00:14:18,437
- I'm sure I don't want to upset anybody,
428
00:14:18,437 --> 00:14:21,554
but you read this sort of
thing in the papers every day.
429
00:14:21,554 --> 00:14:22,629
Well, I do.
430
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,689
- Yes, but that's other people.
431
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:27,826
- If my wife ever thought I
had looked at another woman,
432
00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:29,515
she'd leave me tomorrow.
433
00:14:29,515 --> 00:14:32,694
On second thoughts, publish and be damned.
434
00:14:32,694 --> 00:14:33,528
(audience tittering)
435
00:14:33,528 --> 00:14:34,397
- Mr. Humphries will publish
436
00:14:34,397 --> 00:14:36,037
what we tell him he can publish.
437
00:14:36,037 --> 00:14:38,469
- Haven't you ever heard o'
the freedom o' the press?
438
00:14:38,469 --> 00:14:40,295
- Have you ever heard of the dole?
439
00:14:40,295 --> 00:14:41,981
(audience laughing)
440
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:43,386
- Well, what do you want me to put?
441
00:14:43,386 --> 00:14:44,553
- Well, you can put in anything you like,
442
00:14:44,553 --> 00:14:46,431
as long as we're shown in a good light.
443
00:14:46,431 --> 00:14:48,344
- Yeah, there must be
something to interest people
444
00:14:48,344 --> 00:14:49,564
other than gossip.
445
00:14:49,564 --> 00:14:50,499
- Yes, that's true;
446
00:14:50,499 --> 00:14:52,652
and it's up to Mr. Humphries
to come up with something.
447
00:14:52,652 --> 00:14:55,439
Now all in favor, raise their right hands.
448
00:14:55,439 --> 00:14:56,606
Mr. Humphries.
449
00:14:57,545 --> 00:15:01,198
- Why don't you use your magazine
to mention our grievances?
450
00:15:01,198 --> 00:15:04,004
The pay rise we were
promised never came through.
451
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:04,895
- Yeah, and what about
452
00:15:04,895 --> 00:15:07,400
that 600-pound bonus for the department?
453
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,475
We never got that.
454
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,580
- They said we didn't reach our targets.
455
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:13,060
- Yeah, but they never
said wot our targets was!
456
00:15:13,060 --> 00:15:15,118
- They diddled us out of
it, that's what they did.
457
00:15:15,118 --> 00:15:16,530
I could've done with that cash.
458
00:15:16,530 --> 00:15:18,209
(staff murmurs in agreement)
459
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,801
- Well, you should stick
to that sort of thing,
460
00:15:19,801 --> 00:15:22,163
and forget the idle gossip.
461
00:15:22,163 --> 00:15:24,741
- 'Ere, you heard the
latest about Miss Hurst,
462
00:15:24,741 --> 00:15:26,334
the raver from Novelty Candles?
463
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:28,110
- I don't wish to know.
(audience tittering)
464
00:15:28,110 --> 00:15:29,614
- 'Er department manager's found out
465
00:15:29,614 --> 00:15:31,771
why she's so often away from the counter.
466
00:15:31,771 --> 00:15:33,358
- I'm sure we're not interested.
467
00:15:33,358 --> 00:15:35,184
- And who she been
kissin' at the fire exit.
468
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,656
- I'm putting my fingers in my ears.
469
00:15:36,656 --> 00:15:38,531
(audience tittering)
- Mr. Grover of Bedding.
470
00:15:38,531 --> 00:15:39,370
- How could she!
471
00:15:39,370 --> 00:15:41,929
- Grover? He's my age!
472
00:15:41,929 --> 00:15:44,221
- Mr. Humphries, put all
that information down.
473
00:15:44,221 --> 00:15:46,183
It's disgusting; she must be exposed.
474
00:15:46,183 --> 00:15:48,196
- From wot I hear, it's
a bit late for that.
475
00:15:48,196 --> 00:15:49,599
(audience laughing)
476
00:15:49,599 --> 00:15:51,099
- I thought ye didn't want gossip.
477
00:15:51,099 --> 00:15:52,596
- Ah, not ours.
478
00:15:52,596 --> 00:15:54,044
But that's somebody else's.
479
00:15:54,044 --> 00:15:56,337
- (chuckles) Funny thing,
the freedom of the press.
480
00:15:56,337 --> 00:15:59,338
(audience laughing)
481
00:16:02,335 --> 00:16:03,168
- [Slocombe] Good morning, sir.
482
00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:04,001
- Morning.
483
00:16:04,001 --> 00:16:05,981
- The Gentlemen's
Department is over the way.
484
00:16:05,981 --> 00:16:08,133
- No, it's you I want.
485
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:08,966
- Really?
486
00:16:08,966 --> 00:16:10,379
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
487
00:16:10,379 --> 00:16:12,767
Those fun wigs, how much are they?
488
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:13,985
- Ten pounds.
489
00:16:13,985 --> 00:16:17,260
It's real lifelike simulated nylon.
490
00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:18,996
Brush-able, washable, and fire-proof.
491
00:16:18,996 --> 00:16:20,815
(audience tittering)
- Yes, it's a new line, sir.
492
00:16:20,815 --> 00:16:22,502
Straight from Hong Kong.
493
00:16:22,502 --> 00:16:26,579
- Miss Brahms, I'm dealing with this sale.
494
00:16:26,579 --> 00:16:29,099
- You know, you've got very nice hair.
495
00:16:29,099 --> 00:16:30,176
- Oh, thank you.
496
00:16:30,176 --> 00:16:31,721
It's a bit frizzy at the moment.
497
00:16:31,721 --> 00:16:33,882
Normally, I wear it longer.
498
00:16:33,882 --> 00:16:34,715
- Miss Brahms.
499
00:16:34,715 --> 00:16:35,844
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe?
500
00:16:35,844 --> 00:16:36,869
- Buzz off.
501
00:16:36,869 --> 00:16:39,770
(audience laughing)
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.
502
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:41,740
- It's all ye can get, nowadays.
503
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:43,144
Mr. Spooner, would you pass
504
00:16:43,144 --> 00:16:45,484
that blonde wig over here, please?
505
00:16:45,484 --> 00:16:47,448
- Would that be the Bo
Derek or the Faye Dunaway?
506
00:16:47,448 --> 00:16:49,038
- The Faye Dunaway.
507
00:16:49,038 --> 00:16:51,519
Of course, it's really
rather difficult to imagine
508
00:16:51,519 --> 00:16:54,800
the difference that a
wig like this can make.
509
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:55,923
P'raps if I just pop it on,
510
00:16:55,923 --> 00:16:57,419
it'll give you a better idea.
511
00:16:57,419 --> 00:16:58,776
- Oh no, no no, please don't--
- No no, no no, no no.
512
00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:00,733
It's no trouble at all.
513
00:17:00,733 --> 00:17:04,983
Oh, you know, these wigs are
wonderfully youth-making.
514
00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:07,234
The years simply drop away.
515
00:17:08,768 --> 00:17:11,014
(audience laughing)
516
00:17:11,014 --> 00:17:12,843
What about that?
517
00:17:12,843 --> 00:17:14,199
- Everything's dropped except the years.
518
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,071
(audience laughing)
519
00:17:16,071 --> 00:17:18,455
- Get back to yer counter.
520
00:17:18,455 --> 00:17:22,015
- Do you know, that is
just what I'm looking for.
521
00:17:22,015 --> 00:17:23,322
Can I try it on?
522
00:17:23,322 --> 00:17:24,960
- I beg yer pardon?
(audience tittering)
523
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,243
- Well, it's for a party, you see.
524
00:17:27,243 --> 00:17:28,076
If you don't mind--
525
00:17:28,076 --> 00:17:30,076
I'm eh, going as a girl.
526
00:17:32,902 --> 00:17:37,347
I eh, I thought it might
liven things up a bit.
527
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:38,938
- P'raps you'd better look in the mirror,
528
00:17:38,938 --> 00:17:40,745
and see how lively you look.
529
00:17:40,745 --> 00:17:43,366
(audience laughing)
530
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,991
- I want to look hysterically funny.
531
00:17:45,991 --> 00:17:47,649
(audience tittering)
532
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:50,749
Do you think I look hysterically funny?
533
00:17:50,749 --> 00:17:52,280
- It's not for me to say.
534
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,468
(audience laughing)
535
00:17:53,468 --> 00:17:55,857
'Course, it rather depends
who's going to be there.
536
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,169
- It's a stag party.
537
00:17:57,169 --> 00:17:58,002
- I see.
538
00:17:58,002 --> 00:18:00,306
In that case, I suggest
you get a man's opinion.
539
00:18:00,306 --> 00:18:01,335
- Ah, good idea.
540
00:18:01,335 --> 00:18:03,996
Oh, excuse me, can you
do something for me?
541
00:18:03,996 --> 00:18:05,988
(audience tittering)
542
00:18:05,988 --> 00:18:07,737
(Mr. Humphries huffs)
(audience laughing)
543
00:18:07,737 --> 00:18:09,334
(audience shrieking with laughter)
544
00:18:09,334 --> 00:18:10,944
- I think I'm too late.
545
00:18:10,944 --> 00:18:13,288
(telephone rings)
546
00:18:13,288 --> 00:18:14,646
- Men's Wear.
547
00:18:14,646 --> 00:18:15,765
Oh, it's for you, Mr. Humphries.
548
00:18:15,765 --> 00:18:16,848
News for the magazine.
549
00:18:16,848 --> 00:18:17,781
- Thank you.
550
00:18:17,781 --> 00:18:19,704
City Desk, Splash Humphries speaking.
551
00:18:19,704 --> 00:18:21,061
(audience laughing)
552
00:18:21,061 --> 00:18:21,997
Oh, you've got some news?
553
00:18:21,997 --> 00:18:24,337
Oh, take this down, Mr. Spooner. Yes.
554
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,308
Mr. Jacoby of Accounts,
555
00:18:26,308 --> 00:18:29,675
beat Mrs. Cook, and it took an hour?
556
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:30,656
Oh, it was table tennis.
557
00:18:30,656 --> 00:18:32,435
(audience tittering)
Yes.
558
00:18:32,435 --> 00:18:35,196
Well, I don't think that'll
set our readers alight, no.
559
00:18:35,196 --> 00:18:36,139
Thank you.
560
00:18:36,139 --> 00:18:37,945
Another piece of uninteresting news.
561
00:18:37,945 --> 00:18:39,318
- That telephone's been going all day.
562
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:40,909
Now isn't it about time you did some work?
563
00:18:40,909 --> 00:18:43,064
- Well, I can't help it if
people keep ringin' me up.
564
00:18:43,064 --> 00:18:44,280
- Have you written the editorial yet,
565
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,962
complaining about the bonus we didn't get?
566
00:18:45,962 --> 00:18:47,277
- No, with all these phone calls,
567
00:18:47,277 --> 00:18:48,348
I haven't had time to think.
568
00:18:48,348 --> 00:18:50,672
(telephone rings)
569
00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:51,655
- Ah, it's for the news desk.
570
00:18:51,655 --> 00:18:53,072
- I'll take that.
571
00:18:54,276 --> 00:18:55,635
Mr. Humphries is too busy
572
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,048
to listen to uninteresting
bits of idle gossip
573
00:18:58,048 --> 00:18:59,503
from people who have nothing better to do
574
00:18:59,503 --> 00:19:02,049
than sit on their backsides
all day, doing nothing.
575
00:19:02,049 --> 00:19:03,267
Who is that?
576
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,389
Oh, Mr. Grace.
577
00:19:04,389 --> 00:19:06,433
(chuckles nervously)
(audience laughing)
578
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:08,023
Do you know who this is, Mr. Grace?
579
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:08,856
You don't?
580
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:09,689
Good.
581
00:19:09,689 --> 00:19:10,943
(audience laughing)
582
00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:12,255
(telephone ringing)
583
00:19:12,255 --> 00:19:13,610
- I'll get it.
584
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,342
Humphries here.
585
00:19:15,342 --> 00:19:16,175
It's him again.
586
00:19:16,175 --> 00:19:17,948
- Don't say it was me!
587
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,216
- Hello, sir.
588
00:19:19,216 --> 00:19:20,995
No, I can't understand that.
589
00:19:20,995 --> 00:19:22,867
No, you must've got through
to another department.
590
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:23,798
(audience tittering)
591
00:19:23,798 --> 00:19:25,021
Oh, you've got some news!
592
00:19:25,021 --> 00:19:27,265
Good; take this down, Mr. Spooner.
593
00:19:27,265 --> 00:19:28,385
Yes.
594
00:19:28,385 --> 00:19:29,461
You took her out of the water
595
00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:30,776
and had a good look at her bottom.
596
00:19:30,776 --> 00:19:32,225
(audience tittering)
597
00:19:32,225 --> 00:19:34,074
Where are you speaking from, sir?
598
00:19:34,074 --> 00:19:36,045
Oh, I thought perhaps you
were in Bathroom Fittings.
599
00:19:36,045 --> 00:19:38,005
(audience laughing)
600
00:19:38,005 --> 00:19:40,283
And you want me to take a
photograph of the barnacle.
601
00:19:40,283 --> 00:19:41,781
- Is it anyone we know?
602
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:42,672
- It's his boat.
603
00:19:42,672 --> 00:19:44,128
(audience tittering)
604
00:19:44,128 --> 00:19:46,320
He's going to paint it black and white.
605
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:47,154
Very nice, sir.
606
00:19:47,154 --> 00:19:48,151
We'll do a color supplement.
607
00:19:48,151 --> 00:19:49,975
(audience laughing)
608
00:19:49,975 --> 00:19:52,217
And you're going to spend 50,000?
609
00:19:52,217 --> 00:19:53,624
Oh (chuckles) I'm sure the staff
610
00:19:53,624 --> 00:19:55,871
will be delighted to hear that.
611
00:19:55,871 --> 00:19:57,746
Thank you for the news, sir. Goodbye.
612
00:19:57,746 --> 00:20:00,513
- Fancy spendin' all that on a
facelift for a boat's bottom.
613
00:20:00,513 --> 00:20:03,090
- What are you going to
do about it, Mr. Editor?
614
00:20:03,090 --> 00:20:04,630
- Well, it's very controversial.
615
00:20:04,630 --> 00:20:06,971
Mr. Rumbold said nothing controversial.
616
00:20:06,971 --> 00:20:08,375
- All Mr. Grace seems to be interested
617
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:09,687
is in girls and boats.
618
00:20:09,687 --> 00:20:12,144
- And how to get the girls into the boats.
619
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,270
- That's it, I've got it.
620
00:20:13,270 --> 00:20:14,103
- Wot?
621
00:20:14,103 --> 00:20:15,931
- How to get the bonus for our department.
622
00:20:15,931 --> 00:20:17,897
I shall announce a beauty competition,
623
00:20:17,897 --> 00:20:20,283
and the winner will get 600 pounds.
624
00:20:20,283 --> 00:20:21,969
- The sort of girl that works in our store
625
00:20:21,969 --> 00:20:23,236
won't go in for a beauty competition.
626
00:20:23,236 --> 00:20:26,229
- Well, we'll call it a
holiday girl competition.
627
00:20:26,229 --> 00:20:27,405
- How will that help us?
628
00:20:27,405 --> 00:20:28,943
- Because Miss Brahms, according to
629
00:20:28,943 --> 00:20:30,067
all the fellows in the building,
630
00:20:30,067 --> 00:20:31,704
is the best-looking bird in the store.
631
00:20:31,704 --> 00:20:33,717
She works for our floor;
she's bound to win.
632
00:20:33,717 --> 00:20:35,730
- But where are we
going to get 600 pounds?
633
00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:37,170
- We'll get that from Mr. Grace.
634
00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:38,526
- Not in a million years.
635
00:20:38,526 --> 00:20:39,359
- Oh yes, we will.
636
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,505
I'll say the second part of the prize
637
00:20:41,505 --> 00:20:43,492
is a holiday trip on his boat.
638
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,039
- Yes, perhaps it would be as well
639
00:20:45,039 --> 00:20:47,097
to keep that piece of
information from Miss Brahms
640
00:20:47,097 --> 00:20:48,413
at this stage of the proceedings.
641
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:49,246
(audience tittering)
642
00:20:49,246 --> 00:20:51,543
- Wot makes you think Miss
Brahms'll share the 600 pounds?
643
00:20:51,543 --> 00:20:53,606
- Well, if she doesn't, we
won't have a competition.
644
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:56,318
If she agrees to it,
there's a hundred quid each.
645
00:20:56,318 --> 00:20:57,440
- Where are you going, Mr. Humphries?
646
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:58,657
- I'm going to set the presses rolling.
647
00:20:58,657 --> 00:21:00,191
- Couldn't you do that after hours?
648
00:21:00,191 --> 00:21:03,137
- I could go and interview Miss
Hurst from Novelty Candles.
649
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:05,201
- On second thoughts, you'd
better get the presses rolling.
650
00:21:05,201 --> 00:21:07,816
(audience laughing)
(cash register music)
651
00:21:07,816 --> 00:21:09,815
- Is everything ready on
the floor, Captain Peacock?
652
00:21:09,815 --> 00:21:11,315
- Yes, sir; the girls are changing
653
00:21:11,315 --> 00:21:13,185
into their holiday girl outfit.
654
00:21:13,185 --> 00:21:14,018
- Oh, good.
655
00:21:14,018 --> 00:21:15,885
I've persuaded Mr. Grace to judge
656
00:21:15,885 --> 00:21:17,384
the holiday girl competition.
657
00:21:17,384 --> 00:21:19,074
He should be down in a couple of minutes.
658
00:21:19,074 --> 00:21:21,833
- Shall I save a seat in
the front row for you, sir?
659
00:21:21,833 --> 00:21:23,794
- Oh no, no, I haven't time to attend.
660
00:21:23,794 --> 00:21:25,714
I've got a lot of paperwork to do.
661
00:21:25,714 --> 00:21:28,476
I'm sure I can leave it in
your capable hands, Peacock.
662
00:21:28,476 --> 00:21:31,939
Oh, which reminds me; is
Miss Hurst taking part?
663
00:21:31,939 --> 00:21:33,998
- I can't think why the
words 'capable hands'
664
00:21:33,998 --> 00:21:35,169
should remind you of Miss Hurst,
665
00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:36,612
(audience laughing)
but the answer is yes.
666
00:21:36,612 --> 00:21:38,474
(receiver slams into cradle)
667
00:21:38,474 --> 00:21:41,841
- 'Ere, I've got a coupla quid
on the winner, Miss Brahms.
668
00:21:41,841 --> 00:21:44,323
- Well, how can you be sure
she's going to be the winner?
669
00:21:44,323 --> 00:21:46,523
- Because 'er idea of
a 'oliday girl outfit
670
00:21:46,523 --> 00:21:49,049
is corset, suspenders,
and black stockin's.
671
00:21:49,049 --> 00:21:50,365
(audience tittering)
672
00:21:50,365 --> 00:21:52,198
- Oh, that old cliche.
673
00:21:53,661 --> 00:21:56,032
On second thoughts, these
papers can wait 'til tomorrow.
674
00:21:56,032 --> 00:21:59,213
(audience laughing)
675
00:21:59,213 --> 00:22:00,892
- Where's Mr. Grace going to sit?
676
00:22:00,892 --> 00:22:03,000
- Mr. Grace is going to sit over here,
677
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,484
accompanied by his
nurse and his secretary.
678
00:22:05,484 --> 00:22:06,979
- Oh, won't they be taking part?
679
00:22:06,979 --> 00:22:08,431
- Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
680
00:22:08,431 --> 00:22:09,553
They'll be holding him up.
681
00:22:09,553 --> 00:22:11,191
(audience tittering)
Now, Mr. Spooner,
682
00:22:11,191 --> 00:22:12,781
you stand over here with the camera
683
00:22:12,781 --> 00:22:14,841
and take the photographs for my magazine.
684
00:22:14,841 --> 00:22:17,602
The contestants will come on from here,
685
00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:18,727
and they will come round here,
686
00:22:18,727 --> 00:22:21,445
and stand next to Captain
Peacock, who will interview them.
687
00:22:21,445 --> 00:22:23,512
And then, you will hand their particulars
688
00:22:23,512 --> 00:22:25,098
over to Mr. Grace's secretary.
689
00:22:25,098 --> 00:22:27,946
- What questions do you suggest I ask?
690
00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:29,913
- Well, it's just like Miss World, really.
691
00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:31,135
You ask where they're from,
692
00:22:31,135 --> 00:22:32,634
what their ambitions are,
693
00:22:32,634 --> 00:22:34,596
what they want out of life.
694
00:22:34,596 --> 00:22:35,717
'Cept when ye get to Miss Hurst.
695
00:22:35,717 --> 00:22:37,299
We all know what she wants out o' life.
696
00:22:37,299 --> 00:22:38,480
(audience laughing)
697
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,211
Now, where's our winner?
698
00:22:40,211 --> 00:22:43,162
- Oh, she's in the changing
room with the other girls.
699
00:22:43,162 --> 00:22:45,412
Miss Brahms, are you ready?
700
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:50,421
- You're supposed to be in
your holiday girl outfit.
701
00:22:50,421 --> 00:22:51,254
- I'm not enterin'.
702
00:22:51,254 --> 00:22:53,746
I've just found out what the
second part o' the prize is,
703
00:22:53,746 --> 00:22:57,146
and there's no way I'm
spendin' a week on 'is boat.
704
00:22:57,146 --> 00:22:59,020
- Well, 'ow we gonna
get the 600 quid, then?
705
00:22:59,020 --> 00:23:01,354
- You never thought of that,
did ye, ye selfish cow.
706
00:23:01,354 --> 00:23:04,395
(audience laughing)
707
00:23:04,395 --> 00:23:06,087
- Come on, what's five days on a boat
708
00:23:06,087 --> 00:23:07,486
with a 90-year-old man?
709
00:23:07,486 --> 00:23:09,823
- Listen, five minutes in
the back of 'is Rolls-Royce
710
00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:12,782
with 'im was enough for me; I'm off.
711
00:23:12,782 --> 00:23:15,446
- (scoffs) Well.
712
00:23:15,446 --> 00:23:16,807
There's only one thing for it.
713
00:23:16,807 --> 00:23:18,911
I shall have to sacrifice myself,
714
00:23:18,911 --> 00:23:19,799
(audience shrieking with laughter)
715
00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:22,217
and represent the department.
716
00:23:23,374 --> 00:23:25,508
(audience tittering)
717
00:23:25,508 --> 00:23:26,587
- That's torn it.
718
00:23:26,587 --> 00:23:28,694
It's gonna be a walkover
for Novelty Candles.
719
00:23:28,694 --> 00:23:29,580
(audience tittering)
720
00:23:29,580 --> 00:23:30,470
- Whichever way you look at it,
721
00:23:30,470 --> 00:23:34,313
some other department's
going to get the 600 pounds.
722
00:23:34,313 --> 00:23:35,146
Unless...
723
00:23:36,632 --> 00:23:38,184
(audience laughing)
724
00:23:38,184 --> 00:23:39,648
- Oh, no! No.
725
00:23:39,648 --> 00:23:41,528
- Nonsense, nonsense.
726
00:23:41,528 --> 00:23:43,540
You were a sensation as Scarlett O'Hara
727
00:23:43,540 --> 00:23:45,412
in our production of Gone With The Wind.
728
00:23:45,412 --> 00:23:46,817
All eyes were upon you.
729
00:23:46,817 --> 00:23:47,659
- That's not surprising.
730
00:23:47,659 --> 00:23:49,344
Mr. Rumbold was playing Clark Gable.
731
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:50,190
(audience laughing)
732
00:23:50,190 --> 00:23:51,684
- Mr. Spooner, take him
away, get him changed.
733
00:23:51,684 --> 00:23:53,791
- No! Please, no-- I
shall phone the police.
734
00:23:53,791 --> 00:23:55,042
No! Please, no!
735
00:23:58,192 --> 00:24:00,534
- I hope you haven't started without me.
736
00:24:00,534 --> 00:24:01,887
- (chuckles) Oh, no sir.
737
00:24:01,887 --> 00:24:03,249
- People often do.
738
00:24:03,249 --> 00:24:04,608
(audience tittering)
739
00:24:04,608 --> 00:24:06,147
- If you'd care to take a seat, sir.
740
00:24:06,147 --> 00:24:09,474
- What special qualities
are we looking for?
741
00:24:09,474 --> 00:24:11,196
- Corsets, suspenders,
and black stockings.
742
00:24:11,196 --> 00:24:12,792
- Ohh, ohh.
743
00:24:12,792 --> 00:24:14,597
(audience laughing)
744
00:24:14,597 --> 00:24:17,873
- Eh, wot's left of the
contestants is ready.
745
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:19,323
- What do you mean, what's left?
746
00:24:19,323 --> 00:24:20,634
- Well, when they heard
about the boat trip,
747
00:24:20,634 --> 00:24:22,747
three of 'em went home,
and one's in First Aid.
748
00:24:22,747 --> 00:24:23,745
(audience laughing)
749
00:24:23,745 --> 00:24:26,132
- Oh, carry on, Mr. Harman.
- Yeah, right.
750
00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:29,740
Well, introducin' number
one, Miss Bathroom Fittin's.
751
00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:33,907
(cheerful music)
(scattered applause)
752
00:24:35,584 --> 00:24:36,993
- What is your name?
753
00:24:36,993 --> 00:24:39,610
- Miss Hepburn, and I come from Ilford.
754
00:24:39,610 --> 00:24:40,860
I'm 32, 24, 36.
755
00:24:42,998 --> 00:24:45,295
- And eh, what is your ambition?
756
00:24:45,295 --> 00:24:47,959
- To be kind to animals
and to help old people.
757
00:24:47,959 --> 00:24:49,974
(audience tittering)
- Oh, well done.
758
00:24:49,974 --> 00:24:52,031
Stand over there, would you please?
759
00:24:52,031 --> 00:24:53,114
Next, please.
760
00:24:53,114 --> 00:24:55,824
- Contestant number
two, Miss Haberdashery.
761
00:24:55,824 --> 00:24:58,116
(cheerful music)
762
00:24:58,116 --> 00:25:01,200
(scattered applause)
763
00:25:05,139 --> 00:25:05,972
- Yes.
764
00:25:07,437 --> 00:25:08,699
What is your name?
765
00:25:08,699 --> 00:25:09,778
- Miss Coleman.
766
00:25:09,778 --> 00:25:11,552
I come from Hatfield.
767
00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:13,136
I'm 26, 33, 22, 34.
768
00:25:15,484 --> 00:25:16,842
- Hm?
769
00:25:16,842 --> 00:25:18,292
- The first was my age.
770
00:25:18,292 --> 00:25:19,125
- Oh.
771
00:25:20,030 --> 00:25:23,206
- My ambition is to travel,
and to help old people.
772
00:25:23,206 --> 00:25:25,221
- How very original, yes.
773
00:25:25,221 --> 00:25:27,425
Would you mind queueing
over there, please? Yes.
774
00:25:27,425 --> 00:25:28,637
Next, please.
775
00:25:28,637 --> 00:25:31,353
- Contestant number three,
Miss Novelty Candles.
776
00:25:31,353 --> 00:25:35,520
(cheerful music)
(scattered applause)
777
00:25:38,793 --> 00:25:40,852
- And eh, what is your name?
778
00:25:40,852 --> 00:25:42,619
- Miss Hurst.
779
00:25:42,619 --> 00:25:44,117
- As if he didn't know.
780
00:25:44,117 --> 00:25:45,281
(audience tittering)
781
00:25:45,281 --> 00:25:46,735
- And what are your measurements?
782
00:25:46,735 --> 00:25:49,000
- Oh, same as they've always been.
783
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:53,207
- Miss Hurst's measurements
are 40, 26, 38.
784
00:25:53,207 --> 00:25:54,777
And she comes from Olympia.
785
00:25:54,777 --> 00:25:56,179
(audience laughing)
786
00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:58,329
What is your ambition?
787
00:25:58,329 --> 00:26:00,249
- I want to help people.
788
00:26:00,249 --> 00:26:01,800
- Old people?
789
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,854
- Not necessarily.
790
00:26:03,854 --> 00:26:05,288
- Could you join the queue, please?
791
00:26:05,288 --> 00:26:07,064
- That's what I usually say to you.
792
00:26:07,064 --> 00:26:09,035
- Get over there.
(audience laughing)
793
00:26:09,035 --> 00:26:10,390
Next, please.
794
00:26:10,390 --> 00:26:12,435
- Contestant number four.
795
00:26:12,435 --> 00:26:14,405
(David Rose and His
Orchestra, "The Stripper")
796
00:26:14,405 --> 00:26:15,943
(audience shrieking with laughter)
797
00:26:15,943 --> 00:26:19,110
(audience applauding)
798
00:26:22,729 --> 00:26:24,884
- Miss Ladies' Intimate Apparel.
799
00:26:24,884 --> 00:26:27,628
- I'm glad I haven't got
your nerve in my toof.
800
00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:29,433
(audience laughing)
801
00:26:29,433 --> 00:26:31,934
Miss Ladies' Intimate Apparel.
802
00:26:39,867 --> 00:26:41,598
- Would you like to tell
the judges your name,
803
00:26:41,598 --> 00:26:42,963
and what planet you come from?
804
00:26:42,963 --> 00:26:43,796
(audience shrieking with laughter)
805
00:26:43,796 --> 00:26:44,629
Oof.
806
00:26:48,845 --> 00:26:52,066
- Betty Slocombe,
Ladies' Intimate Apparel.
807
00:26:52,066 --> 00:26:55,520
36, 23, 36.
(Captain Peacock laughs)
808
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:56,782
Shut yer cakehole.
809
00:26:56,782 --> 00:26:59,294
(audience laughing)
810
00:26:59,294 --> 00:27:00,983
- And what is your ambition?
811
00:27:00,983 --> 00:27:04,402
- I want to travel, and help old people.
812
00:27:04,402 --> 00:27:05,897
(audience laughing)
813
00:27:05,897 --> 00:27:07,066
On boats.
814
00:27:07,066 --> 00:27:09,407
(audience laughing)
815
00:27:09,407 --> 00:27:13,009
- Nurse, change my glasses;
I've gone wide-sighted.
816
00:27:13,009 --> 00:27:14,413
(audience tittering)
817
00:27:14,413 --> 00:27:16,802
- [Peacock] Thank you,
Miss Intimate Apparel.
818
00:27:16,802 --> 00:27:19,472
- [Harman] Introducin' number
five, Miss Do-It-Yourself.
819
00:27:19,472 --> 00:27:21,821
(grand orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
820
00:27:21,821 --> 00:27:24,988
(audience applauding)
821
00:27:31,842 --> 00:27:36,009
(audience shrieking with laughter)
822
00:27:36,856 --> 00:27:38,396
- And where are your particulars?
823
00:27:38,396 --> 00:27:39,569
- I tremble to think.
824
00:27:39,569 --> 00:27:42,140
(audience laughing)
825
00:27:42,140 --> 00:27:43,310
- There we are, sir.
826
00:27:43,310 --> 00:27:45,227
- Number five comes from Bristol City.
827
00:27:45,227 --> 00:27:46,730
(audience laughing)
828
00:27:46,730 --> 00:27:47,897
- What is your ambition?
829
00:27:47,897 --> 00:27:49,776
- To get out o' this
costume; it's choking me.
830
00:27:49,776 --> 00:27:51,173
(audience laughing)
831
00:27:51,173 --> 00:27:52,828
- Mr. Grace, we haven't finished yet.
832
00:27:52,828 --> 00:27:54,095
- Oh yes, we have.
833
00:27:54,095 --> 00:27:55,450
She's the winner.
834
00:27:55,450 --> 00:27:58,353
Give her the money and get
her on deck by five thirty.
835
00:27:58,353 --> 00:27:59,186
- What's going on?
836
00:27:59,186 --> 00:28:00,750
He hasn't even looked at me.
837
00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:02,478
- All he has to do is
look in the envelope.
838
00:28:02,478 --> 00:28:03,465
- What's in there?
839
00:28:03,465 --> 00:28:04,494
- Key to your cabin.
840
00:28:04,494 --> 00:28:06,222
- Take me out of here-- no!
841
00:28:06,222 --> 00:28:08,518
- She's a lively little thing, isn't she?
842
00:28:08,518 --> 00:28:09,410
- You'll find out.
61229
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