Original subtitles

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

- Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

(Mrs. Slocombe sighs)

Come along, Mrs. Slocombe; it's nearly nine o'clock.

- Captain Peacock, if you was a gentleman,

you'd see that I've got my arm stuck,

and you'd give me a hand.

- Mr. Spooner, are you free?

- We don't open 'til nine, Captain Peacock.

'Til then, I can employ my time any way I like.

- How would you like to do some stock taking after we close?

(audience tittering)

- I'm free, I'm free.

- Mrs. Slocombe appears to be trapped in her coat.

Would you please assist her?

- (heels click) Very good, sir.

- Oh thank you, Mr. Spooner.

I seem to have got it stuck on my chunky bracelet.

- More likely be caught on your chunky arm.

(audience laughing)

Here, let's have a go.

(coat sleeve rips)

(audience laughing and gasping)

Uh... will there be anything else?

- Yes; who's going to pay for this?

It's solid silk.

- Grace Brothers are only responsible

for accidents which occur during working hours,

and we don't open for another 21 seconds.

- If you wanna put your coat back on, Mrs. Slocombe,

we'll try again in 30 seconds, then you can put in a claim.

- Get out of my area before I bat yer earhole.

(audience tittering)

- Oh, where is Miss Brahms?

In another second, she's going to be late.

(hurried footsteps)

- (gasps) Sorry I was very nearly late, Captain Peacock,

but I had a lift in a chauffeur-driven car,

and when I tried to get out, I was molested.

- Hm? Well, this is disgraceful.

Did you get the number of the vehicle?

- Yes, I did.

- Did you get a good look at your attacker?

- I did.

- And would you recognize him if you saw him again?

- I would.

- Yes, well I feel it my duty

to report this matter to the police.

It's disgraceful that young women can't accept lifts

without being molested in this fashion.

You shall have my full support in this matter.

- Oh thank you, Captain Peacock.

(elevator bell dings)

(audience tittering) - Good morning, everybody.

- [Staff] Good morning, Mr. Grace.

- You've all done very well.

Oh, you haven't started yet.

(audience tittering) - Sir, if I might

have your attention for a moment?

- Try this one; it works better.

(audience laughing) - Mr. Grace,

a very serious matter has come up,

and I'd like your permission to contact the police.

- Ah, before you tell me, I just dropped in

to give that young lady her umbrella back.

She left it in my car.

(audience laughing) - Oh.

How very good of you, sir.

- Yes. What was it you were saying about the police?

- Um... it was to see if they'd found this very umbrella.

(chuckles) They're most expensive,

and Miss Brahms was upset about losing it.

- You ask me, she'd be upset about losing anything.

(audience laughing)

Well, carry on, everybody.

You've all done very well.

Except one of you.

(audience laughing)

- [Staff] Thank you, Mr. Grace.

- It's one law for the rich, and another for the poor.

- Well, I expect you was bein' provocative.

- I was not!

Crikey, wot's that?

- It's his gold watch and chain!

However did it get down there?

(audience tittering) - Ooh.

It must've dropped off when he leant over

to lock the car door.

I've a good mind to keep it.

- Miss Brahms, we wouldn't like to think

you were just a good-time girl. (chuckles)

Shall I give it back to Mr. Grace?

Oh, I say; it's a Hunter.

- If it'd been down there long enough,

it probably woulda found something.

(audience laughing)

♫ Rollin' round the world

♫ A'lookin' for--

- Special delivery for the Men's Department.

- Mr. Harman, you are not allowed on the floor

after nine o'clock.

- I tell ya what I'll do.

I'll save up and buy a 'ot-air balloon,

then I can float it across the floor

untouched by human hands.

Altern-ively, I will study under Uri Geller

and will improve my mental concentration to the point

that I can lift it by mental tep-lef-fathy.

(audience tittering) And if I do,

you mustn't shout at me, because if you do,

I shall lack concentration

and it'll prob'ly drop on your 'ead.

(audience tittering) - I shall ignore

your attempt to be insolent.

- If you're ignorin' it,

why're all them little veins standin' out

on your neck? (audience laughing)

- Get off the floor, Mr. Harman.

I shan't speak to you again.

- A message came with it.

Shall I take that with me?

Oh, you're holdin' out your hand.

Do you want the note?

Ah, p'raps you'd like me to read it for you.

- Give me the note.

- Oh, he spoke; that's nice.

We're friends again.

(audience tittering)

- It's a cargo note from the docks.

It reads Very Fragile.

I can't make out the signature.

- 'Ere, let me; me eyes are younger.

Oh, it's from Mr. Humphries.

- Well, what's Mr. Humphries sending that's fragile?

- We'll soon find out.

(crowbar clanking on crate)

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

- Mr. Humphries!

- I know, I know, I'm late.

The delivery van had a puncture.

(audience laughing)

- Have you been to a fancy dress party?

- No, I've been to quite a normal party

on a British ship. (chuckles)

Well, as normal as can be expected.

(audience tittering)

Y'know, I had one drambuie shandy too many,

so I thought I'll walk round the ship to sober meself up.

(chuckles) Well, when I got back on deck,

we were puffin' up an estuary.

(audience tittering) - How awful!

How did ye get off?

- Well, there was a tug pullin' us out,

so I climbed down this rope over the raging sea,

and I hurled meself on the deck.

- Oh, Mr. Humphries, how brave.

- Mm. Well, when you're playin' poker with six big stokers

and you're going to put all your worldly possessions

on a jack and two tens,

then ye find out that somebody's holdin' a pair o' queens,

you don't stop to think.

(audience laughing) (cash register music)

- Well, I accept your excuse for being late, Mr. Humphries.

At least it's more believable than when

you claimed to have been arrested as an illegal immigrant

after spending a week-end down a coal mine in Tonypandy.

(audience tittering)

- That story was perfectly true.

I've got a hat with a little lamp on the front to prove it.

(audience tittering)

- Sir, would you mind signing this requisition

for the clothes that Mr. Humphries is now wearing?

- Ah yes, certainly.

- When he returns them, we can put them

back into stock as shop-soiled.

(audience tittering)

- You know, I still don't understand

what actually happened to his own clothes.

- I thought I'd explained that.

I was trying to win them back.

(chuckles) (audience tittering)

It's funny to think, isn't it?

Somewhere on the high seas is a very well dressed man

shoveling coke into a boiler.

(audience laughing)

- Ah well, the more we get to know you, Mr. Humphries,

the less amazing it seems. (chuckles)

(audience laughing)

Yes; you are, after all, quite an unusual person.

- (chuckles) It has been mentioned.

(audience laughing)

- For that reason, it has been decided at management level

to offer you a very special job

which requires your special talent.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yes, pull up a chair and sit down.

- Thank you.

(papers rustle)

(audience tittering)

(audience laughing)

- There's only one chair.

- Well, I only asked one person to sit down.

(audience laughing)

Now, Old Mr. Grace has decided that our store

should have its very own magazine.

You know the sort of thing;

gossip, titbits, who's who.

- And who's what.

(audience tittering)

- General information.

Perhaps a beauty contest.

Now, you always seem to be up with the gossip,

and you mix very freely with people.

- Mm. What you say does have a ring of truth about it.

(audience tittering)

- So we've decided to offer you the editorship.

- I'm sure Mr. Humphries is very flattered, sir.

- Do I get extra money?

- Ah, 'fraid not.

- Mr. Humphries isn't very flattered.

(audience laughing)

- You will get a lot of prestige,

and your name will be up there in print!

- I hope it's gonna be bigger than that.

(audience laughing)

- What are we going to call the magazine, sir?

- Ah, now, we had a very long meeting

and discussion about this at...

Boardroom level, (audience tittering)

and we came up with a couple of very good ideas.

Let me see; ah, yes.

The first idea was What's On In The Store,

and the second idea was What's Up In The Store.

- Well, I think if my name's going to be up there,

perhaps What's On In The Store. (chuckles)

(audience laughing)

- Well, you're in charge, Mr. Humphries.

Oh, and by the way, the Photographic Department

is at your disposal, should you wish to put in

a photograph of any member of the staff with a story,

and that does, of course, include management.

- I shall need some time off the floor, sir.

For that, I require Captain Peacock's permission.

- Couldn't you talk to people in your coffee break?

- Well, supposing I want to take a photograph?

You know the sort of thing.

Hardworking executive at his desk. (chuckles)

By the way, Mr. Rumbold, which is your best side?

- I'm never sure.

(Mr. Humphries chuckles) (audience laughing)

- With a face like yours, you're rather spoilt for choice.

(audience laughing)

I would say the left.

- Yes, yes; I can see you might have to leave the floor

for that sort of thing, so you have my permission,

which of course overrides Captain Peacock's permission.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you, sir.

- Yes, well I think that's all.

Now remember, this is an in-store thing.

Nothing too serious, nothing controversial;

just keep it all light and gay.

- I'll keep it as light as possible.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, a word of advice.

As a tactical move, I'd have a picture of Old Mr. Grace

on the front page of the first issue; he'd like that.

- It's not surprising you are where you are, sir.

(audience tittering)

- P'raps Mr. Grace would like to be photographed

standing next to myself.

Yes, sort of congratulating me

on the efficiency of my department.

- Well, either that or with your secretary on his knee,

showing a bit of leg.

I mean, that should improve the circulation.

- Mm. Won't do the magazine much harm, either.

(audience laughing) (cash register music)

- Now, have you decided which young lady

is going to sit on your knee, Mr. Grace?

- It's hard to decide.

- I bet he's been awake all mornin' thinkin' about it.

(audience tittering)

- This is going to make a splendid front cover.

It'll show, behind that firm exterior,

you have a sense of fun.

- At his age, he's lucky to 'ave a sense of anything.

(audience tittering)

- Who's it going to be then, Mr. Grace?

- Stop trying to sway my opinion,

and sit down.

- Oh, yes; that's very informal.

Me. (chuckles)

P'raps you'd like to show a bit of leg, dear.

Thank you.

- Lookin' through 'ere, it's just like a scene from Dallas.

(audience laughing)

- What about me, Mr. Grace?

You promised you'd put me in it.

- That was a different conversation altogether.

(audience laughing)

- I won't throw my weight there. (giggles)

Now, it'll only take a moment.

- Yeah, one quick flash an' it'll all be over.

(audience laughing)

- The story of my life.

(audience laughing)

- I can't see much of you, Mr. Grace.

Fact, I c'n hardly see anything.

- I can see quite a lot from here.

(audience tittering)

- Girls, could you lean back so that we can see our founder?

- Hurry up, the blood's stopped in me leg.

(audience laughing)

- I want lots of movement with the hair.

Toss ye head back, like that.

(chuckles) That's it.

- Come on, come on, get on with it.

Is my tie straight?

- Yes, yes; come on now, plenty o' teeth.

Those who've got 'em.

(audience tittering)

- Oh, oh! Ow, oh!

- [Nurse] What is it, Mr. Grace?

- My leg's gone to sleep!

You'll have to get off.

- We won't be a minute.

- It might spread.

(audience laughing)

- Five,

four,

three,

two--

(women shriek) (Mr. Humphries shrieks)

(audience laughing)

- [Spooner] Look at this.

(teacups clink)

- Well, it's certainly informal.

- I've explained how that came about.

Now, these are the other ones,

and that's the one I'm going to use.

- He has a good life up there.

I hope I can get a pretty girl to sit on my knee

when I'm his age.

- (chuckles) I agree, yes.

As a matter of fact, as I get older,

it's very encouraging to find

that young women seem to appreciate

sophisticated humor, charm and maturity.

- Y'mean Miss Hurst, the raver from Novelty Candles?

(audience tittering)

- I had nobody particular in mind.

- From wot I can remember, she's not very particular.

(audience tittering) - Oh, I see.

Been havin' a go there an' all, have you?

(audience tittering) - I didn't say that.

- Oh, you do make me laugh, you men,

the way you talk about us women.

Don't you realize that girls only do these things

for people like Old Mr. Grace

out of kindness and sympathy?

- And because he's rich.

(audience laughing)

- Look who's talkin'; you mean to tell me

you wouldn't sit on an old man's knee

and put yer arms round 'im for a thousand quid?

- Oh, I might.

- Well, would you for a pound?

- Certainly not!

Wot you think I am? (audience laughing)

- Willin', but expensive.

(audience laughing)

- You'd have to fork out a few bob

if you expectin' me to sit on your knee.

- I agree; I'd want danger money.

(audience laughing)

- If you sat on me knee, I'd want danger money.

(audience laughing)

Not to mention scaffoldin'.

(audience laughing)

- Don't be cheeky to senior staff.

- What are you writing there, Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, it's for the magazine.

"The continual battle of the sexes

"rages on unabated on the first floor.

"Will young Mr. Spooner succeed in his endeavors

"to make Miss Brahms fall for his macho charm?

(audience tittering)

"Their love-hate relationship

"reached a new climax in the canteen today,

"when she suggested payment for her favors."

(Miss Brahms gasps)

(audience laughing)

- How dare you!

I never said that.

- Mr. Humphries, you're twisting what was said!

- Well, it's gossip; it's up to me as the editor

to make it interesting.

- Yes, I agree with Mr. Humphries.

(chuckles) I think you're both overreacting.

It's just a bit of store gossip, all very harmless.

- Oh well, I suppose you're right.

Will you be taking a copy home?

- I don't see why not.

My wife is always interested in what goes on here.

- Ooh, she'll love this bit.

(audience laughing)

It's headed Femme Fatale In Novelty Candles.

"It has come to our editor's notice

"that Miss B. Hurst of Novelty Candles

"has a certain member of the staff in quite a tizz.

"Her latest suitor is flirtatious floorwalker

"Captain Stephen Peacock, (audience laughing)

"55, (audience laughing)

"whose conduct at the last Christmas party

"resulted in his being banned from Haberdashery

"for three months."

- How dare you, Mr. Humphries!

Give me that.

What if my wife were to get a hold of this?

- Don't you think you're overreacting?

(audience laughing)

- Shut up.

Now, I can make life very difficult for you

on the floor, Mr. Humphries.

Come to that, we all can.

- I'm sure I don't want to upset anybody,

but you read this sort of thing in the papers every day.

Well, I do.

- Yes, but that's other people.

- If my wife ever thought I had looked at another woman,

she'd leave me tomorrow.

On second thoughts, publish and be damned.

(audience tittering)

- Mr. Humphries will publish

what we tell him he can publish.

- Haven't you ever heard o' the freedom o' the press?

- Have you ever heard of the dole?

(audience laughing)

- Well, what do you want me to put?

- Well, you can put in anything you like,

as long as we're shown in a good light.

- Yeah, there must be something to interest people

other than gossip.

- Yes, that's true;

and it's up to Mr. Humphries to come up with something.

Now all in favor, raise their right hands.

Mr. Humphries.

- Why don't you use your magazine to mention our grievances?

The pay rise we were promised never came through.

- Yeah, and what about

that 600-pound bonus for the department?

We never got that.

- They said we didn't reach our targets.

- Yeah, but they never said wot our targets was!

- They diddled us out of it, that's what they did.

I could've done with that cash.

(staff murmurs in agreement)

- Well, you should stick to that sort of thing,

and forget the idle gossip.

- 'Ere, you heard the latest about Miss Hurst,

the raver from Novelty Candles?

- I don't wish to know. (audience tittering)

- 'Er department manager's found out

why she's so often away from the counter.

- I'm sure we're not interested.

- And who she been kissin' at the fire exit.

- I'm putting my fingers in my ears.

(audience tittering) - Mr. Grover of Bedding.

- How could she!

- Grover? He's my age!

- Mr. Humphries, put all that information down.

It's disgusting; she must be exposed.

- From wot I hear, it's a bit late for that.

(audience laughing)

- I thought ye didn't want gossip.

- Ah, not ours.

But that's somebody else's.

- (chuckles) Funny thing, the freedom of the press.

(audience laughing)

- [Slocombe] Good morning, sir.

- Morning.

- The Gentlemen's Department is over the way.

- No, it's you I want.

- Really?

- Yes. (audience laughing)

Those fun wigs, how much are they?

- Ten pounds.

It's real lifelike simulated nylon.

Brush-able, washable, and fire-proof.

(audience tittering) - Yes, it's a new line, sir.

Straight from Hong Kong.

- Miss Brahms, I'm dealing with this sale.

- You know, you've got very nice hair.

- Oh, thank you.

It's a bit frizzy at the moment.

Normally, I wear it longer.

- Miss Brahms.

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Buzz off.

(audience laughing) - Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

- It's all ye can get, nowadays.

Mr. Spooner, would you pass

that blonde wig over here, please?

- Would that be the Bo Derek or the Faye Dunaway?

- The Faye Dunaway.

Of course, it's really rather difficult to imagine

the difference that a wig like this can make.

P'raps if I just pop it on,

it'll give you a better idea.

- Oh no, no no, please don't-- - No no, no no, no no.

It's no trouble at all.

Oh, you know, these wigs are wonderfully youth-making.

The years simply drop away.

(audience laughing)

What about that?

- Everything's dropped except the years.

(audience laughing)

- Get back to yer counter.

- Do you know, that is just what I'm looking for.

Can I try it on?

- I beg yer pardon? (audience tittering)

- Well, it's for a party, you see.

If you don't mind--

I'm eh, going as a girl.

I eh, I thought it might liven things up a bit.

- P'raps you'd better look in the mirror,

and see how lively you look.

(audience laughing)

- I want to look hysterically funny.

(audience tittering)

Do you think I look hysterically funny?

- It's not for me to say.

(audience laughing)

'Course, it rather depends who's going to be there.

- It's a stag party.

- I see.

In that case, I suggest you get a man's opinion.

- Ah, good idea.

Oh, excuse me, can you do something for me?

(audience tittering)

(Mr. Humphries huffs) (audience laughing)

(audience shrieking with laughter)

- I think I'm too late.

(telephone rings)

- Men's Wear.

Oh, it's for you, Mr. Humphries.

News for the magazine.

- Thank you.

City Desk, Splash Humphries speaking.

(audience laughing)

Oh, you've got some news?

Oh, take this down, Mr. Spooner. Yes.

Mr. Jacoby of Accounts,

beat Mrs. Cook, and it took an hour?

Oh, it was table tennis.

(audience tittering) Yes.

Well, I don't think that'll set our readers alight, no.

Thank you.

Another piece of uninteresting news.

- That telephone's been going all day.

Now isn't it about time you did some work?

- Well, I can't help it if people keep ringin' me up.

- Have you written the editorial yet,

complaining about the bonus we didn't get?

- No, with all these phone calls,

I haven't had time to think.

(telephone rings)

- Ah, it's for the news desk.

- I'll take that.

Mr. Humphries is too busy

to listen to uninteresting bits of idle gossip

from people who have nothing better to do

than sit on their backsides all day, doing nothing.

Who is that?

Oh, Mr. Grace.

(chuckles nervously) (audience laughing)

Do you know who this is, Mr. Grace?

You don't?

Good.

(audience laughing)

(telephone ringing)

- I'll get it.

Humphries here.

It's him again.

- Don't say it was me!

- Hello, sir.

No, I can't understand that.

No, you must've got through to another department.

(audience tittering)

Oh, you've got some news!

Good; take this down, Mr. Spooner.

Yes.

You took her out of the water

and had a good look at her bottom.

(audience tittering)

Where are you speaking from, sir?

Oh, I thought perhaps you were in Bathroom Fittings.

(audience laughing)

And you want me to take a photograph of the barnacle.

- Is it anyone we know?

- It's his boat.

(audience tittering)

He's going to paint it black and white.

Very nice, sir.

We'll do a color supplement.

(audience laughing)

And you're going to spend 50,000?

Oh (chuckles) I'm sure the staff

will be delighted to hear that.

Thank you for the news, sir. Goodbye.

- Fancy spendin' all that on a facelift for a boat's bottom.

- What are you going to do about it, Mr. Editor?

- Well, it's very controversial.

Mr. Rumbold said nothing controversial.

- All Mr. Grace seems to be interested

is in girls and boats.

- And how to get the girls into the boats.

- That's it, I've got it.

- Wot?

- How to get the bonus for our department.

I shall announce a beauty competition,

and the winner will get 600 pounds.

- The sort of girl that works in our store

won't go in for a beauty competition.

- Well, we'll call it a holiday girl competition.

- How will that help us?

- Because Miss Brahms, according to

all the fellows in the building,

is the best-looking bird in the store.

She works for our floor; she's bound to win.

- But where are we going to get 600 pounds?

- We'll get that from Mr. Grace.

- Not in a million years.

- Oh yes, we will.

I'll say the second part of the prize

is a holiday trip on his boat.

- Yes, perhaps it would be as well

to keep that piece of information from Miss Brahms

at this stage of the proceedings.

(audience tittering)

- Wot makes you think Miss Brahms'll share the 600 pounds?

- Well, if she doesn't, we won't have a competition.

If she agrees to it, there's a hundred quid each.

- Where are you going, Mr. Humphries?

- I'm going to set the presses rolling.

- Couldn't you do that after hours?

- I could go and interview Miss Hurst from Novelty Candles.

- On second thoughts, you'd better get the presses rolling.

(audience laughing) (cash register music)

- Is everything ready on the floor, Captain Peacock?

- Yes, sir; the girls are changing

into their holiday girl outfit.

- Oh, good.

I've persuaded Mr. Grace to judge

the holiday girl competition.

He should be down in a couple of minutes.

- Shall I save a seat in the front row for you, sir?

- Oh no, no, I haven't time to attend.

I've got a lot of paperwork to do.

I'm sure I can leave it in your capable hands, Peacock.

Oh, which reminds me; is Miss Hurst taking part?

- I can't think why the words 'capable hands'

should remind you of Miss Hurst,

(audience laughing) but the answer is yes.

(receiver slams into cradle)

- 'Ere, I've got a coupla quid on the winner, Miss Brahms.

- Well, how can you be sure she's going to be the winner?

- Because 'er idea of a 'oliday girl outfit

is corset, suspenders, and black stockin's.

(audience tittering)

- Oh, that old cliche.

On second thoughts, these papers can wait 'til tomorrow.

(audience laughing)

- Where's Mr. Grace going to sit?

- Mr. Grace is going to sit over here,

accompanied by his nurse and his secretary.

- Oh, won't they be taking part?

- Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.

They'll be holding him up.

(audience tittering) Now, Mr. Spooner,

you stand over here with the camera

and take the photographs for my magazine.

The contestants will come on from here,

and they will come round here,

and stand next to Captain Peacock, who will interview them.

And then, you will hand their particulars

over to Mr. Grace's secretary.

- What questions do you suggest I ask?

- Well, it's just like Miss World, really.

You ask where they're from,

what their ambitions are,

what they want out of life.

'Cept when ye get to Miss Hurst.

We all know what she wants out o' life.

(audience laughing)

Now, where's our winner?

- Oh, she's in the changing room with the other girls.

Miss Brahms, are you ready?

- You're supposed to be in your holiday girl outfit.

- I'm not enterin'.

I've just found out what the second part o' the prize is,

and there's no way I'm spendin' a week on 'is boat.

- Well, 'ow we gonna get the 600 quid, then?

- You never thought of that, did ye, ye selfish cow.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, what's five days on a boat

with a 90-year-old man?

- Listen, five minutes in the back of 'is Rolls-Royce

with 'im was enough for me; I'm off.

- (scoffs) Well.

There's only one thing for it.

I shall have to sacrifice myself,

(audience shrieking with laughter)

and represent the department.

(audience tittering)

- That's torn it.

It's gonna be a walkover for Novelty Candles.

(audience tittering)

- Whichever way you look at it,

some other department's going to get the 600 pounds.

Unless...

(audience laughing)

- Oh, no! No.

- Nonsense, nonsense.

You were a sensation as Scarlett O'Hara

in our production of Gone With The Wind.

All eyes were upon you.

- That's not surprising.

Mr. Rumbold was playing Clark Gable.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Spooner, take him away, get him changed.

- No! Please, no-- I shall phone the police.

No! Please, no!

- I hope you haven't started without me.

- (chuckles) Oh, no sir.

- People often do.

(audience tittering)

- If you'd care to take a seat, sir.

- What special qualities are we looking for?

- Corsets, suspenders, and black stockings.

- Ohh, ohh.

(audience laughing)

- Eh, wot's left of the contestants is ready.

- What do you mean, what's left?

- Well, when they heard about the boat trip,

three of 'em went home, and one's in First Aid.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, carry on, Mr. Harman. - Yeah, right.

Well, introducin' number one, Miss Bathroom Fittin's.

(cheerful music) (scattered applause)

- What is your name?

- Miss Hepburn, and I come from Ilford.

I'm 32, 24, 36.

- And eh, what is your ambition?

- To be kind to animals and to help old people.

(audience tittering) - Oh, well done.

Stand over there, would you please?

Next, please.

- Contestant number two, Miss Haberdashery.

(cheerful music)

(scattered applause)

- Yes.

What is your name?

- Miss Coleman.

I come from Hatfield.

I'm 26, 33, 22, 34.

- Hm?

- The first was my age.

- Oh.

- My ambition is to travel, and to help old people.

- How very original, yes.

Would you mind queueing over there, please? Yes.

Next, please.

- Contestant number three, Miss Novelty Candles.

(cheerful music) (scattered applause)

- And eh, what is your name?

- Miss Hurst.

- As if he didn't know.

(audience tittering)

- And what are your measurements?

- Oh, same as they've always been.

- Miss Hurst's measurements are 40, 26, 38.

And she comes from Olympia.

(audience laughing)

What is your ambition?

- I want to help people.

- Old people?

- Not necessarily.

- Could you join the queue, please?

- That's what I usually say to you.

- Get over there. (audience laughing)

Next, please.

- Contestant number four.

(David Rose and His Orchestra, "The Stripper")

(audience shrieking with laughter)

(audience applauding)

- Miss Ladies' Intimate Apparel.

- I'm glad I haven't got your nerve in my toof.

(audience laughing)

Miss Ladies' Intimate Apparel.

- Would you like to tell the judges your name,

and what planet you come from?

(audience shrieking with laughter)

Oof.

- Betty Slocombe, Ladies' Intimate Apparel.

36, 23, 36. (Captain Peacock laughs)

Shut yer cakehole.

(audience laughing)

- And what is your ambition?

- I want to travel, and help old people.

(audience laughing)

On boats.

(audience laughing)

- Nurse, change my glasses; I've gone wide-sighted.

(audience tittering)

- [Peacock] Thank you, Miss Intimate Apparel.

- [Harman] Introducin' number five, Miss Do-It-Yourself.

(grand orchestral music) (audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(audience shrieking with laughter)

- And where are your particulars?

- I tremble to think.

(audience laughing)

- There we are, sir.

- Number five comes from Bristol City.

(audience laughing)

- What is your ambition?

- To get out o' this costume; it's choking me.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Grace, we haven't finished yet.

- Oh yes, we have.

She's the winner.

Give her the money and get her on deck by five thirty.

- What's going on?

He hasn't even looked at me.

- All he has to do is look in the envelope.

- What's in there?

- Key to your cabin.

- Take me out of here-- no!

- She's a lively little thing, isn't she?

- You'll find out.