Original subtitles

(cash register music)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Drapes and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

- There we are, sir.

One receipt, one handkerchief.

Will you be blowing your nose on it now,

or shall we wrap it up?

(audience laughing)

- I'll wear it.

(audience tittering)

(elevator bell dings)

- [Humphries] Mr. Spooner, you're late.

- You're right.

- It's a good job Captain Peacock isn't here,

otherwise you'd get the sharp end of his tongue.

Which isn't a pleasant experience.

(audience tittering) - Really?

Well, I had a very good excuse made up.

I was gonna tell 'im me alarm clock didn't go off,

the ticket collectors were goin' slow,

and there was a power cut on the Underground.

- He'd never swallow that.

- Yeah, well I'd ha' done it better, wouldn't I?

- You better get yeself sorted out before he gets in.

- Right, then.

- I'm not sure that this color cardigan is really me.

- Oh, but it is, madam.

Y'see, everybody 'as a color what goes with their aura.

Some people 'ave an aura what is pink,

an' others 'ave an aura what is blue,

and when I saw madam, I said to myself

"Madam 'as an aura what is purple with white stripes."

(audience laughing)

- Yes, it's quite nice. (chuckles)

- An' what's more, it's genuine simulated mohair.

(audience laughing)

- But that goes all flat when you wash it.

- Ah, but to counteract that,

it comes with its very own little plastic rake

to bring up the pile.

An' what is more, it's been reduced

to seven pound 99 from 45 quid.

- I'll take it!

(audience laughing)

- [Brahms] Cash or account?

- Account.

- Miss Brahms, ye don't push things enough.

- What ye talkin' about?

We've had that cardy hangin' around since 1976.

(audience tittering)

- Well, try to push some accessories onto 'er.

(Miss Brahms huffs)

- Before I make madam's bill out,

would madam like any accessories to go with it,

like a nice pair o' knickers?

(audience laughing)

- No, thank you.

I don't see myself pulling a plastic rake

over mohair knickers. (audience laughing)

- She don't want nothin'.

- Hark!

Morning, young sir.

- Morning.

- Yeah, here we are. (chuckles)

(hums off key)

(audience tittering)

Lovely weather, again.

(bow whips through air) (audience laughing)

(hums off key)

(stamps foot)

(violin shrieking)

(audience laughing)

♫ If you're Irish

♫ Come into the parlor

♫ There's a welcome there for you

♫ If you're man and mercy make a john

- Out o' work musician, sir.

(audience laughing)

I was an old soldier, old soldier.

- No, not today.

- Well, I'm crippled, you know.

(audience tittering)

- Pardon?

- I were crippled.

I thought you might spare a copper or two for a cup o' tea.

- Well, it's Thursday, ye see.

We've no money; we've not been paid yet.

- Ah well, I take American Express.

(audience laughing)

- Look, here's 10P; push off.

- That is good of ye sir.

I thought so, soon as I saw your face,

I said "You're one in a million, sir!"

- Yes, (chuckles) so I've been told.

(audience laughing)

(Tramp sneezes)

- How did he get in?

- I don't know, but he wouldn't have got in

if Captain Peacock had been here.

I can't think where he is.

Of all the years I've spent behind this counter,

I've never known him be late.

- Is Captain Peacock still not here?

- He hasn't even phoned in on the telephone.

- Well, strictly entre-nous,

(audience tittering)

I was talking to Mrs. Hopkirk in Personnel,

and she's a very close friend of the Peacock family.

They share the same milkman.

(audience laughing)

Well, accordin' to her, their marriage is a bit...

Like that.

- Is it?

(audience tittering) - Rumor 'as it,

they haven't been gettin' it together for some time.

(audience laughing) - Ooh.

Well, it can't be easy if it's like that, can it?

(audience laughing)

- Apparently, the rot set in at the Christmas party.

- It often does.

(audience tittering)

- If you remember, Captain Peacock

spilt blancmange all down Miss Pickthorn's cleavage.

- I thought that was semolina pudding.

- No. No, that was Mr. Harrogate and Miss Fawcett.

And that was the year before.

- How time flies. (audience laughing)

- Anyway, the question is,

who got it out?

(audience tittering)

- What party was that?

(audience tittering)

- Well, when they got home,

Mrs. Peacock confronted 'im with it,

and accused 'im of retrievin' it from her cleavage.

- And when he denied it,

she pulled the handkerchief out of his top pocket,

and bits of blancmange went all over the carpet.

(audience tittering)

- Relations 'ave been very strained ever since.

- I don't think it did the carpet very much good either.

(audience tittering)

- I don't mind saying this to you, Mr. Humphries,

but men can be beasts.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't you mind sayin' it to me?

(audience laughing)

- Well anyway, he's payin' for his dilettantin' now,

'cos she's threatened to chuck 'im out.

- And the house is in her name.

- And to complicate matters further,

there's another man involved.

- I didn't know Captain Peacock was like that.

(audience tittering)

- No, Mrs. Peacock.

Apparently, she said if it was all right for 'im to do it,

it was all right for her to do it.

- So whose front's she chuckin' blancmange down?

(audience laughing) (elevator bell dings)

- Hey up, he's here--

Don't let 'im see us talkin'.

(hurried footsteps)

- [Humphries] Good morning, Captain Peacock.

- Good morning.

I'm sorry to be late.

My alarm clock failed to go off,

there was a ticket collector's go-slow,

followed by a power failure on the Underground.

(audience laughing)

- That's funny; a very similar thing nearly 'appened to me.

- Really? What a coincidence.

- Oh, just look at 'im.

His shirt hasn't been ironed,

and he doesn't look as though he's slept.

Mind you, it's his own fault.

- Mr. Spooner, just take this suitcase away

and put it somewhere, will you?

I'm staying the night with friends.

- Yes, Captain Peacock.

- Had some trouble at home, Captain Peacock?

- No, no-no, no no. No.

One just gets bored with staying in the same house

and one thinks to oneself, "Well, it would be nice

"to stay with one's friends for a change."

- One thought one might have one's plumber

fixing one's pipes.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, that would've been a good reason too.

(audience tittering)

(rotary dial whirring)

I suggest you both go and tidy our display

on the center stand.

- With pleasure, Captain Peacock, with pleasure.

- Ah, hello Matthew. (chuckles)

You'll never guess who this is.

It's your old friend Stephen.

Stephen Peacock.

From the bridge club, yes. (chuckles)

I beg your pardon?

Well, about six foot one, mustache, 45-ish,

slightly graying at the temples. (chuckles)

Yeah that's right, that's me. (chuckles nervously)

Now, as I recall, the last time we met,

you did say I was to come and stay sometime.

Yes, you did.

(audience tittering) How would tonight suit you?

Oh, I see. Hm.

I thought beri-beri had been practically

stamped out in this country.

(audience tittering)

Some other time, then.

Yes. What?

Oh, I see.

Well, you must let me know

where you're moving to in Cornwall.

(audience laughing)

- Have we finished yet, Captain Peacock?

- No; put the models round the other way.

(rotary dial whirring)

(audience laughing)

Oh hello, Philip. (chuckles)

Yes, it's Stephen here.

Stephen Peacock.

We met a couple of years ago at ta-li-ve-li-nos.

We had adjoining rooms and shared the balcony.

(chuckles) Yes.

What's that?

About six foot one, mustache, (audience tittering)

a young 50, graying at the temp-- what?

(click over phone)

Operator, you've cut me off.

What?

Oh, did he.

(audience laughing)

(Captain Peacock sighs)

No, I prefer them round the other way, I think.

- I wish he'd hurry up and find somewhere.

My knees are killin' me.

(audience tittering) (rotary dial whirring)

- Hello, Auntie Hilda.

It's your nephew, Stephen.

You remember, little Stephen.

What?

About four foot one, a yellow schoolcap,

and a brown satchel! (audience laughing)

(cash register music)

- I can't help feelin' sorry for 'im.

- D'you know, he's been on the phone all mornin',

tryin' to find somebody to put him up.

- He's still trying the public call box.

- Mind you, he has sinned.

- Wot are ye talkin' about?

All he did was put his hands down a pair o' bristols

to get at the blancmange.

(audience laughing)

I can understand all the fuss if he'd given 'er one.

(audience gasping) (audience laughing)

- If Captain Peacock was here,

he'd make you sit at another table

for talkin' like that in front of a lady.

- Two ladies.

(audience laughing) Anyway,

he has been pushin' his luck a bit.

I mean, it's not the first time he's done it.

- Wot, fish for the blancmange?

- No, 'ad a bit o' nookie.

(audience laughing)

- Miss Brahms, what a dreadful expression.

- Well, wot do you call it, then?

- Committin' misconduct.

(audience laughing)

- If it wasn't called anythin' else, nobody'd do it.

(audience laughing)

- Mornin' all.

You 'eard the latest gossip?

- Mr. Harman, we're not in the habit

of exchanging gossip with personnel

from the Packing Department.

(audience tittering)

- It's all right with me if you don't wanna 'ear

the latest in the Peacock saga.

- D'you take sugar in your coffee, Mr. Harman?

(audience laughing)

- 'Ere, you'll never guess who is the mysterious Mr. X

what Mrs. Peacock's taken up with.

- Is 'taken up with' the same as misconduct?

- No, you're confusin' it with 'havin' it off.'

(audience laughing)

Now, shut up; Mr. Harman's talkin'.

- Yeah, go on; who is it?

- I'll give ye a clue.

(audience shrieking with laughter)

- [Staff] Rumbold?

- Got it in one.

- Would you credit it?

- Mrs. Peacock and Rumbold?

Mind you, they did dance cheek to cheek

in the last waltz at the Christmas party.

- Mm, and the hokey cokey.

(audience laughing)

- I'll tell ye something else;

you know Rumbold's lookin' for a new secretary?

- [Staff] Yes.

- Well, you know Mrs. Peacock can type.

- [Staff] Yes.

- She started in in his office today.

- (gasps) The humiliation of it!

I mean, right under 'is very nose.

- This is obviously why he left home!

- Mind you, what's sauce for the goose

is sauce for the gander.

- Or in this case, blancmange.

(audience laughing)

- You know, I don't know why you join in our conversation.

- Wait-o, Peacock's comin'.

- Ah, I'm sorry to be late joining you.

The lines to the Isle of Mull were busy.

(audience tittering) Mr. Harman.

- Yes, Captain Peacock?

- It is not customary at Grace Brothers

for the Packing Department to sit with the Sales staff,

particularly in my seat.

- Oh, I'm so sorry Captain Peacock.

I was just keepin' it warm for ye.

And if you should catch a fatal germ,

just send the bill to me.

(audience tittering)

(audience shrieking with laughter)

- Well now, what are we all talking about this morning, eh?

- Oh, this that and the other.

- Mostly the other. (audience laughing)

- We were talking about what the price of food,

how it's gone up.

- Meat, fish, eggs, butter.

- Veg, bread, everythin's gone up.

- D'you know, I can't think o' one thing that's gone down.

(audience laughing)

- I can. Blancmange.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, I'm glad I've caught you all together.

As you know, I've been advertising

for a secretary for some time.

To my amazement, one of the applicants

turned out to be none other than Mrs. Peacock.

(chuckles) Of course you all know Mrs. Peacock

from the Christmas parties.

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms,

young Spooner, Mr. Grossman.

'Course, you know Captain Peacock, don't you?

(audience laughing)

- I used to.

(audience tittering) (audience gasping)

- Yes, well we're just going through

to the executive dining room for a coffee. (chuckles)

Carry on, everybody.

(audience tittering)

- Goodness gracious, I've just remembered.

I have some new ties coming in,

and I must go and put the prices on them.

- I'll come give you a hand.

- Yes, we'd better be-- - Yes, we 'ad better--

- Going too, Miss Brahms. - Yeah, right.

(Captain Peacock blows nose)

- Oh, we can't leave 'im alone.

- Well, it was you that was goin' on

about the sauce and all those geese.

(audience tittering) - Well yes,

but she behaved very badly just then.

I mean, whatever's goin' on in the background,

she shouldn't have humiliated him like that.

Oh, I've just remembered!

I haven't finished me coffee.

- And I've got a drop in me saucer.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you for coming back.

Since you are the senior members of my staff,

I feel I should give you some explanation

of the recent happenings in my private life.

- Oh, no no, Captain Peacock.

No, if it's a personal matter,

no no, no, you don't have to tell us.

I mean, we don't want just to pry.

- On the other hand,

(audience laughing)

if you have got some dirty washing,

well, it's not a bad idea to take it to a private launderer.

(audience laughing) - Thank you.

Well, you will know of course

that there's been a misunderstanding

between my wife and myself.

It all started at the Christmas party.

- Ah, I think what Captain Peacock's referring to is the...

(chuckles) When the blancmange went ptt.

And he got his eh, and hmm.

She found it on 'is hankie.

- No, the blancmange on my handkerchief

did not come from Miss Pickthorn's cleavage.

- Where did it come from?

- Miss Hurst of Novelty Candles, in a playful mood,

tipped half a plateful down the inside of my trousers.

(audience tittering)

- Couldn't you get Miss Pickthorn

to make a clean breast of it?

(audience laughing)

- Not in the circumstances.

My marital relationship has been

rather strained for some time,

and my wife regarded this harmless incident

as the last straw.

She appears to have turned elsewhere for solace.

- Oh, but surely,

you can't think there's anything going on

between Mrs. Peacock and Rumbold.

- Well, who knows?

I mean, women have always been attracted to power,

and he does run the department.

- Rumbold's a married man.

- Well, so's Captain Peacock.

(audience tittering)

- I suppose I'm paying the penalty for being,

as it were, Jack the Lad. (chuckles)

(audience laughing)

- You know, I never thought of you as Jack the Lad.

(audience laughing)

- It's the uncertainty I can't stand.

I mean, (stammering) is she going through

this bizarre charade just to make me jealous,

or is she really attracted to that

bald-headed, jug-eared twit?

(audience laughing)

Let's face it, he's about as romantic as Donald Duck.

(audience laughing)

- I don't want to worry you, Captain Peacock, but Donald's

just ordered a bottle o' bubbly and two glasses.

- It's only 11 o'clock in the morning.

- I expect he's hopin' to get her goin' by lunchtime.

(audience laughing) - Oh my god.

(knocking on door)

Ah, Mr. Grace said he would grant me

a moment of his time

on a rather urgent personal matter.

- Ah, just one moment please.

(rapping on metal)

Mr. Grace, you said you'd see Captain Peacock.

- [Grace] Oh, damn.

Yes, Peacock, what is it?

- It's my wife, sir.

She's working in my department as secretary to Mr. Rumbold.

Owing to rather strained marital relations,

I find this arrangement somewhat distressing, and I wondered

if she could be transferred to another position.

- Oh yes, I remember her from the last Christmas party.

She's a lively little thing.

She can come and work for me.

I'll speak to Rumbold.

Nurse, get this thing off me!

(audience laughing)

I need a new secretary.

This one's going off on a course.

She's a bit out of practice.

- On reflection sir, I think it would be as well

if my wife stayed where she is.

- D'you fancy another 10 minutes on regulo 10?

- All right, sir. - Well, quick,

before I go off the boil!

(audience laughing)

- Did you see his face as we walked through the canteen?

He was furious.

- I think we've probably gone about far enough, don't you?

I'm sure he's absolutely worried sick.

- Oh Mr. Rumbold, I do appreciate what you're doing for me,

but if we could keep it going just a bit longer.

- Well, at least I'd better take this bottle

back to the Wine Department, or they'll charge me.

(audience laughing)

I'll be back in a couple o' minutes.

- I think you ought to go

straight into Rumbold's office and confront them.

- In the old days, I would've stormed in,

slapped his face with a glove,

and challenged him to a duel.

- What size are ya?

(audience laughing)

- Those were the old days.

People don't do that sort of thing now.

- Oh, don't they?

Only a few weeks ago, somebody slapped my face with a glove,

said they'd meet me in the park at dawn.

Naturally, I didn't go.

- Too big for ya, was he?

- What makes you think it was a man?

(audience laughing)

- Come along, Captain Peacock.

Face up to reality; go and see him.

- Very well, I will.

- Poor Captain Peacock.

There is a saying that when love is strong,

a man and a woman can make their bed

on the blade of a sword.

But when love is weak,

a bed of 60 cubits is not wide enough.

- 'Part from that, the Bedding Department don't stock them.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know where he's going to sleep tonight, Mother.

Chances are, he'll crawl back

with his tail between his legs.

(chuckles) (audience tittering)

Well, I'll keep you posted.

Bye, Mother.

(receiver clanks in cradle) (knocking on door)

Who is it?

- [Peacock] Captain Peacock to see Mr. Rumbold.

(key clicks in lock)

- You can't come in; we're busy.

- [Peacock] I see.

(doorknob rattles)

(audience tittering)

(audience laughing)

- Aah! (audience laughing)

- It's no good, Captain Peacock.

You've got to get some proper evidence.

- We think it's awful, you not knowin' one way or the other.

- It's very kind of you to be so concerned for me.

- Now, I've got this friend of mine

in the Radio Department who's an absolute wizard

at eavesdropping with electronic bugs.

He's given me this pen.

Now, the clip is the aerial.

The top (puffs) is the microphone,

and you can transmit up to 200 yards.

You pick it all up on this little receiver here.

There, now then; all we've got to do

is to get this pen into Rumbold's office.

You can listen in, find out what's going on,

and you'll know one way or the other.

- You seem to know a lot about these things, Mr. Humphries.

- Yes, well me mother 'ad one o' these planted on me.

She wanted to find out what was going on and know

(audience laughing) one way or the other.

The point is, how are we going

to get this on Rumbold's desk?

- Oh, that's quite simple.

When you take something in for 'im to sign,

he invariably pinches your pen,

four-eyed, two-faced, thieving git that he is.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, that's easy then.

You just take something for 'im to sign.

- No, that I could not do.

- One of us could do it.

- I could take it in.

I'll be very discreet.

I'll look to the key'ole

and see if they're havin' a snog over the short'and.

If they are, I'll come back and tell you lot,

an' we can all 'ave a look.

(audience laughing) - Juniors are not allowed

into the office of management without an appointment.

- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.

For a minute, I thought I was a normal human bein'.

Keep forgettin' how lowly I am.

(audience laughing)

- You take it, Mr. Humphries.

If I saw 'er in there, oglin' him,

I might not be able to hold me tongue.

- Yours faithfully, Cuthbert Rumbold.

(knocking on door)

Who is it?

- [Humphries] Mr. Humphries.

- Enter.

- Oh, the door's open.

(audience laughing)

- Of course it is.

- I wonder if you'd be kind enough, Mr. Rumbold,

to sign this staff purchase.

- Oh, yes.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you.

Sorry if I interrupted anything.

(door clacks open) - You didn't.

(audience laughing)

(door thuds shut)

- Mr. Rumbold, do you think

he was behaving rather strangely?

- It's very hard to tell. (audience laughing)

(knocking on door)

Enter.

(door clacks open)

(audience tittering)

- Could ye sign for these swatches, please?

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

Oh, this roll o' cloth's got damaged by water.

Can the Cleanin' Department 'ave it for dusters?

- Oh yes, yes, certainly.

- Thank you.

- Oh, damn; this is Mr. Humphries' pen.

Would you mind giving it back to him, Mr. Harman?

- The next time I'm on the floor, sir.

Erm... (audience tittering)

(audience laughing)

(door thuds shut)

- How did you get on?

- He took it, just like you said. (chuckles)

Now, we must get to the receiver.

- What you got there, Warwick?

- It's ol' Maxwell; he's retired from Delivering.

He'll be along in a few minutes,

so as us an' the lads can give 'im a bit of a sendoff.

- Ah.

(cork pops)

(receiver clatters on counter)

- Switch on.

(cork strains and pops)

(audience laughing)

- What was that?

- Sounded like some sort of a kiss.

(audience tittering)

(cork strains and pops)

(audience laughing)

- There's another one.

- My god.

(cloth tearing) (audience laughing)

- Wha' was that?

- Sounded like the tearin' o' cloth.

(man humming)

- And he's hummin' while he's doin' it!

(audience laughing)

- What's that tune?

- Getting To Know You.

(audience laughing)

- Swine!

(audience tittering)

- [Harman] Don't open any more, Warwick.

Otherwise, we won't be able to drive...

(audience laughing) (cash register music)

- There you are, Captain Peacock.

Now, if you climb out of the fitting room window,

crawl along the ledge to Rumbold's window,

you can take the snap, and there's your evidence.

- Let's face it, there must be something going on.

Else, why should they lock the door?

- There is no real danger.

The ledge is two foot wide.

- No, it's just the psychological fear

of fallin' 40 foot onto solid concrete.

(audience laughing)

- He's gonna 'ave a rope round 'is waist.

- Right; come on, before I change my mind.

(audience laughing)

- Right, eh.

Four more letters, and we're finished.

- Do you mind if I go and powder my nose?

- No, no, of course not; do carry on.

(muted traffic rumbling)

- It's a long way down.

- But you've got a rope tied round you.

- Is the other end tied to something substantial?

- Not half; I've tied it round Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience tittering)

- Oh! I can't do it.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Give me the camera.

Honestly, you're weak as water.

(audience laughing)

- Whatever you do, don't look down!

- I'm more worried about people lookin' up.

(audience laughing)

Shut the door; I can't get by.

(muted traffic rumbling) (grunts)

I need more rope.

- You had all there is.

- Untie yerself.

- Go boil yer 'ead.

(audience laughing) - Captain Peacock,

if you get out on the ledge, you can give 'er a bit more.

- [Spooner] Unless o' course, yer dead scared.

- Hold on, Mrs. Slocombe; I'm coming out.

(Captain Peacock gasps) - I'm nearly there.

- Hang on.

If I close the window now,

you can give 'er a bit more slack.

- Come on. (Captain Peacock exclaims)

No; I still need a bit more.

- I'm not moving another inch!

- Oh, ye coward.

- It's only in the interests of your safety.

- Oh.

(camera clicks and whirs)

Got it.

- Don't drop it!

- It's all blank.

- Well, it hasn't developed yet.

Let me in!

- Oh, the catch has broken off!

- Get a hammer! (audience laughing)

- 'Ey, I think I can open it with me penknife.

- [Peacock] Well done, Spooner.

- For heaven's sake, hurry up.

I think I'm going to faint.

- In that case, I got to untie this rope.

(audience laughing)

- [Spooner] It's comin'.

- Well done, Spooner.

(window rattles) (metal clinks)

- Oh, I've broken the blade off me knife.

It's really jammed now.

- You idiot! What're we gonna do?

- Now don't worry; the Sports Department

have got a special offer of climbing boots and ice picks.

(audience laughing)

- The maintenance men'll be out o' the pub

in half an hour; they'll let you in.

- Why don't you go back through Mr. Rumbold's window?

- We can't do that; he'll see what we been up to!

- If you don't get in 'ere quick,

it'll be out in the inquest anyway.

(audience laughing)

- Let 'em in this window along on the right.

- Oh, what a good idea; go on, Captain Peacock.

- I'm not budging!

- Oh well, hang on to yer gargoyles then,

because I'm comin' past.

(audience laughing)

If you were a gentleman, ye'd let a lady go on the inside.

- Well, if you weren't so fat, you could!

(hand slaps flesh) (audience laughing)

- [Slocombe] Oh, get on with it then.

- Come on, Mrs. Slocombe.

- I'm comin'.

Shut the window that's up 'ere, 'cos I can't get past.

(grunts) 'Ere, hang on to this.

- But it's just 'im!

She's not there.

- She must be in there somewhere.

Look behind the filing cabinet.

- Well, isn't anybody going to 'elp me in?

- [Brahms] Oh yes, careful.

- Come on.

- Oh, 'ang on.

(audience laughing)

(audience shrieking with laughter)

- Oh.

Where are we?

- The gents' washroom.

- Any port in a storm.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Captain Peacock!

- Not just now, thank you.

I think I've got a tiny touch of vertigo. (whimpers)

(Mrs. Peacock sighs)

- Ah, you're back. (door thuds shut)

There's a lot of noise going on out there.

Would you look and see what it is?

- Yes, of course.

Oh, my god, Stephen!

You're not going to jump, are you?

- Ye can bet money on it!

(audience tittering) - Oh, Stephen,

it's all my fault; I've driven you to it.

I was trying to make you jealous.

- You succeeded beyond your wildest dreams!

(audience laughing)

- Peacock! There was never anything between us!

It was just a masquerade to try and save your marriage.

- Oh Stephen, I couldn't live without you.

- If this gargoyle gives way, you may have to!

(audience laughing)

- Mrs. Peacock?

About the blancmange.

There's a perfectly innocent explanation,

but I don't think this is the time or the place! (yelps)

(audience laughing)

- Oh, to think you were going to jump.

And hang yourself as well!

(audience tittering) Oh Stephen, I love you.

You're so thorough.

Do you still love me?

- What do you think I'm doin' out here, ye silly bitch!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm better for that.

Wot's been happenin'?

- Well, Mrs. Peacock loves Captain Peacock,

and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad, loves Mrs. Peacock,

although he's got a very strange way of showing it.

And Mr. Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading;

and I know from long experience

that only leads to trouble.

And the maintenance men who have the wherewithal

to open the locked window have just come out the pub.

- Oh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock?

All's well that ends well!

- Mrs. Slocombe, since the maintenance men

have just got on the 47 bus,

what makes ye think it's all going to end well!

(audience laughing)

(cash register music) (audience applauding)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Drapes and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor, carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up