Original subtitles

(registers dinging)

- [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery, stationery,

and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits.

- Here, I've got half a dozen pairs of Willies here,

where do you want 'em?

(audience laughs)

- We're gonna leave them until Mr. Grossman arrives.

Let him decide.

(boots plopping) - Alright.

(lift dinging)

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

- Good morning.

- [Stephen] Good morning, ladies.

- It's pouring with rain.

I've ruined me shoes.

- You won't have far to go to buy a new pair.

Mr. Grace has decreed that a section of the Shoe department

to be phased in on our floor.

- I hope Mr. Grace realizes

that we're losing our most important point of display.

The sales'll drop.

- Yeah, we was gonna have an exhibition

of honeymoon nighties this week, weren't we, Mrs. Slocombe?

- From what I can remember of my honeymoon

that shouldn't take up much room.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

Good morning, Miss Brahms.

- Morning. - Good morning.

- Look at this.

Aren't they beautiful?

If you saw the price they're asking at Lelly and Woolards

you wouldn't dare to try them on.

Feel the leather.

A snip at 45 pounds.

To you, 12 pounds 50.

(laughs)

How do I do it, you ask?

They are seconds.

(audience laughs)

- Captain Peacock, I hope Mr. Grossman

isn't going to be selling ladies shoes.

- Mrs. Slocombe, I've been selling ladies shoes all my life.

- You wouldn't sell a pair to me.

No lady would allow a strange man to be in a position

where he can have a peak-a-boo

when she's trying something on.

(audience laughs)

- If you are upset, please, you sell the ladies shoes.

- I'm not sure that I approve of that.

Does Mrs. Slocombe no how to sell shoe?

- Captain Peacock, when one is a salesperson

one can sell anything.

- Well, in that case, Mrs. Slocombe,

you won't mind demonstrating on Miss Brahms.

Mr. Harman, the chair.

Miss Brahms.

Carry on, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Right.

(audience laughs)

Good morning, madam, are you being served?

- I'd like a pair of shoes, please.

- Oh, and has madam seen anything that caught her eye?

- Well--

- The lady would like a pair of shoes not too high,

and not too low.

In a color that will go with anything,

that will look smart in the evening,

and that she can also wear in daytime.

- I see.

(audience laughs)

And what size?

- Italian 36.

The lady doesn't know what it is in English.

- Would madam kindly remove her shoe?

Or would you like your grandfather to do it for you?

(audience laughing)

- [Mr. Grossman] Mrs. Slocombe.

- Well, I didn't realize we had one.

(audience laughs)

(gasps)

(audience laughs)

- Why don't you use a shoehorn?

- Where is it?

- Over here.

(audience laughs)

♫ Hi ho hi ho

♫ It's off to work we

(audience laughs)

- There, how does that feel?

- I'm not sure about the color.

I'll take them.

(audience laughs)

- There. (shoehorn rattles)

Perfectly simple.

- Madam would like to take them in the box, Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience laughing)

(Betty groaning)

(audience laughs)

(lift dings)

(audience applauds)

- Well, of course, if you have to go through all that

palaver just to sell a cheap pair of shoes

I'll stick to me underwear.

- The way you was walking, I thought you had.

(audience laughs)

(lift dings)

(audience applauds)

- Before you say anything, I've got to use this

because me mother's got me raincoat

to queue up for a disability pension.

I borrowed it off a very nice girl punk rocker

who lives next door.

It was her bridal gown.

(audience laughs)

- Don't tell me she got married in that.

- Married?

She lived in it for a week with the groom

before they found somewhere to squat.

(audience laughs)

- Do you know Mr. Grossman?

- Yes.

How do you do?

- He will also be assisting on your counter.

Perhaps you'll be good enough to show him the ropes.

- Of course.

Captain Peacock, Mr. Grossman

would you mind taking a corner each?

- If you insist, Mr. Humphries.

- Thank you, going down.

(audience laughs)

- Will you be going home in that?

- I should think not after my experience on the tube.

I feel asleep and somebody reported me

as a dangerous parcel.

I woke up at Queensway to find a sergeant major

in the Royal Engineers trying to take me fuse out.

(audience laughs)

- May I have your attention, please?

- Ladies, please.

- I want you to welcome your new assistant

to this department, Mr. Spooner.

I'm sure you're all aware that Mr. Spooner

has already served time in the Paint department,

Bedding and Sports.

Now, you'll be under Mr. Humphries,

who's under Mr. Grossman, who is under Captain Peacock.

- I see, like the bottom bum on a triple hamburger.

(audience laughs)

- Preferably without the sauce.

(audience laughs)

- Carry on, Captain, please.

♫ Rolling 'round the world

♫ Looking for the sunshine

♫ That never seems to go my way

- What is that, Mr. Harman?

- This is a point of sale display for the

Winter Wonder Weather Worthy Willies.

(audience laughs)

- You know about this, Mr. Grossman?

- Let me explain.

Here we have a bit of simulated British countryside,

i.e. mud.

Here, we have the Willies, which is guaranteed,

unconditionally for five years against seepage and leakage.

On the approach of a costumer, all you do is switch on

and this is guaranteed to attract attention.

Thus.

(mud squishing) (audience laughs)

- Captain Peacock,

I hope you don't expect me to stand here trying to sell

honeymoon nighties with that noise going on.

(audience laughs)

(mud bubbling)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Mr. Spooner, part of our table has become detached.

It's probably the cleaners.

Give me a hand to move it up, will you?

- What do you think you're doing?

- I would have thought it was obvious

to the meanest intelligence that I'm moving this table

to the side of that table.

A position, which to my knowledge,

it has occupied for the past 15 years.

- Put it back.

- I beg your pardon?

- You got cloth ears?

- Madam, I do not like the tone of your voice.

- I don't like the color of your mustache

but I'm learning to live with it.

Put it back.

(audience laughs)

- I shall do no such thing.

- Alright, I will.

(table rattling)

- Mr. Spooner.

Put it back.

- Is that an order, Captain Peacock?

- It is.

- Please note, I'm obeying orders,

for this reason I hope you will not be

putting your fingers in my plum duff.

(audience laughs)

- I'm only gonna do this one more time.

(table slams)

- Very glad to hear it.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Nancy!

Nancy, come and give me a hand.

I've having a bit of trouble with the uppity one

moth eaten 'tache.

(audience laughs)

(table slams)

(audience laughs)

Now what are you gonna do, Montgomery?

- Are you all behind me?

- We are. - Yes, Captain Peacock.

- On the count of two, one,

two.

(audience applauds)

- Glad I found you all together.

The G and C Fire Department came 'round yesterday

and they've instructed us that there has to be

a uniform fire passage between all the tables

so as to gain free access to the fire exit.

Therefore your table has to be divided.

Peacock, could you move your table

a couple of feet in this direction?

- Yes, sir.

- [Cuthbert] Thank you, sir.

(audience laughs)

- If you just told us that in the first place

like any other, sensible chimpanzee,

we wouldn't have had all this bother.

(audience laughs)

- You really put my back up.

- Oh yeah, who put your front up?

(audience laughs)

- That's enough out of you.

I'm under a great strain cooking for you lot.

- You'd be under a lot more strain if you had to eat it.

(audience laughs)

- Good for you, Miss Brahms.

There you are, Captain Peacock.

- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Just a minute.

(audience laughs)

Where am I going to sit?

- Well, you'd better sit over there.

- I don't want to sit alone at that table

like one what's been ostracized.

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Slocombe, please take my seat.

- Oh, thank you so much.

Nowadays one so rarely finds that ole continental charm.

- Except from old continentals.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Grossman, we can't have a senior member of staff

sitting over there all by himself.

Come and sit over here with us.

I'll get you a chair.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Spooner, as you sit contemplating your fish and chips

it must be obvious what your next move is to be.

- Certainly is, Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

- Spooner,

that is not your next move.

That is your next move.

- Here, have I been blackballed?

- Well, you must have been thrown out

the Paint department for some reason.

(audience laughs)

- Why has Mr. Spooner been blackballed?

(audience laughs)

- Because the firemen wanted a clear passage.

- No further questions.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Humphries, if you sit on the floor there all alone

people will start talking.

Why don't you sit over there?

- 'Cause as long as I'm sitting here

I know what they're talking about.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, come over here, Mr. Humphries.

We can hunch up.

We can always find room for a little one.

- (laughs) Mrs. Slocombe, you do have a way with words.

(audience laughs)

Ow!

Something's sticking in me.

- Are you alright?

- It's a demand from the taxman, but he's not getting it.

(audience laughs)

- How much money does he want?

- He doesn't want any money, it's just a demand

and he's not getting it.

(audience laughs)

- Has anybody seen my paper?

- You're sitting on it, Mr. Grossman.

- Oh yes.

As long as I know where it is.

- If you was in China you could read it like that.

(audience laughs)

- What do you mean?

- Well, there was this article in this magazine

where they is training people in China and Russia

to read books by putting them under their arms.

And there was a picture of someone reading

by putting their elbows on the words.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I read that article.

It seems that with training people could read

with any part of their body.

- Mrs. Slocombe would be good at that.

She could open the Times, sit on it,

and read two pages as once.

(audience laughs)

- Anymore of your lip and I'll have you banned

from the canteen.

(audience laughs)

- Has anyone got a hammer?

I can't get this fork in me liver.

- I don't think we should take too much time over lunch.

Young Mr. Grace wants to introduce us

to his brother, Old Mr. Grace.

- Is it true that Young Mr. Grace is retiring?

- No, no, no, no, he's not retiring,

I believe he's been writing a book on ornithology.

He's completed his research into mating and migration

and now he wants to spend more time on the nest.

(audience laughs)

- Has anybody seen his brother?

- Not in the flesh.

But a Rolls Royce ambulance with black windows drew up

just before lunch.

(audience laughs)

- And did Mr. Grace get out of the back?

- No, he was driving it,

six dancing girls got out of the back.

(audience laughs)

- I can hardly feel anything there.

- I can hardly feel anything anywhere.

(audience laughs)

(door slams)

- Excuse me not knocking, Mr. Grace,

but you don't hear me when I do

so I didn't think it was worth the time and effort

if I did so I didn't.

(audience laughs)

- What was that?

- Nothing.

There's an elderly gentleman outside

what says he wants to see ya.

(woman screams)

- Yes, that would be my brother.

- [Beverley] Oh.

- Come in.

- Hello, Henry.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not Henry, you're Henry.

- Oh yes.

Is that where I'm going to sit, I suppose?

- Yes, that's right.

- Where does my secretary sit?

- On your knee, you fool.

(audience laughs)

- This is your secretary, sir.

One owner since new, completely run in, very sporty,

capable of high speeds if you put your foot down

and she's all yours.

(audience laughs)

This young lady is your nurse.

There's her bell on the desk.

And when you give her the signal

she comes running.

And the day she gives the signal

we all come running.

(audience laughs)

(rapid knocking)

Oh, it's the door.

- Excuse me, sir,

the staff from the Clothing department--

- Send them in.

- Please, come in.

- You do the honors, Rumbold.

- This is Captain Peacock.

- Good afternoon, sir.

- I've heard all about you from my brother.

- This is Mr. Grossman.

- Good afternoon, sir.

- I've heard all about you from my brother.

- This is Mr. Humphries.

- Hello.

- I've heard all about you from my brother,

but I didn't understand a word of it.

(audience laughs)

- This is Mrs. Slocombe.

She's made a big mark in the Ladies.

- Well, don't do it again.

(audience laughs)

- This is Miss Brahms.

A sunny, friendly personality,

who shows a great deal of promise.

- Yes, but it never been fulfilled.

(audience laughs)

- This is Spooner.

- Who has a sarcastic personality

and shows no promise whatever.

(audience laughs)

- Well, that's about it, sir.

Mr. Grace?

Mr. Grace?

You dropped off, sir.

- Hmm?

- [Cuthbert] Dropped off.

- What dropped?

(audience laughs)

- Your brother has not met all the staff, sir.

- In that case, I can go. (laughs)

- Make way for Mr. Grace, hold the door open.

Don't get in his way, give him plenty of air.

Come on now.

- Alright, alright, don't make so much fuss.

I'm not the emperor of China.

Well, you've all done very well.

- Come along, Mr. Grace.

(audience applauds)

- [All] So long, Mr. Grace.

- There's your pajamas, madam.

And if your husband doesn't get complete satisfaction

don't hesitate to bring them back.

(audience laughs)

Now where was I?

- You had a funny, shaky feeling

so you went to see the doctor.

- Oh yes.

Well, after a very rigorous examination

he looked and me and he said,

"I can't find anything wrong with you."

Which surprised me.

So I asked for a second opinion.

- Did you get one?

- From the window cleaner, but we closed the curtains

and ignored him.

(audience laughs)

So anyway, he sent me to see this psychiatrist, you see,

in the same building.

Well, as soon as I went through the door he said,

"Lie on the couch and tell me the first thing

"that comes into your mind."

I said, you mind closing those curtains,

I'm sick of the sight of that window cleaner.

(audience laughs)

- Did he find out what your problem was?

- Not exactly, but we've tracked down his.

We're having dinner tonight, to discuss it.

(audience laughs)

Just fell my hand, it's gone all clammy.

- No, I'll take your word for it.

(audience laughs)

- I think I shall have to sit down.

Mr. Spooner, do you mind helping me to that chair?

Oh, I say.

Get me a pair of Y fronts.

(audience laughs)

- What size?

- Any size.

(audience laughs)

Thank you.

(package whooshing)

- Mr. Spooner, why is Mr. Humphries sitting down

and fanning himself with a couple of Y fronts?

- He's come over peculiar.

(audience laughs)

- I heard about this.

I didn't realize this is the form it took.

(audience laughs)

He's fainted, get a doctor!

(registers dinging)

- Miss Brahms, get on the phone.

- [Shirley] Yes.

(registers dinging)

(audience laughs)

- How are you feeling now, Mr. Humphries?

- I feel perfectly alright

but I've got a funny lump coming up on me nose.

(audience laughs)

- Well, Mr. Humphries has to stay here

until the doctor's completed the blood tests.

- Will it take long?

- They took a lot of blood.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, well, I have to go home now

but I've given Mr. Harman instructions

to let the doctor in when he arrives.

If you're feeling groggy, I suggest you take a taxi.

- Thank you.

- At your own expense, of course.

(audience laughs)

- I can't find his pulse.

- Allow me.

Yes, that seems alright.

His wrist is a bit limp but his heart's still going.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, his forehead's very warm.

- His nose is cold.

(audience laughs)

- His hair's a bit lifeless.

It's a sign of poor health.

- He's probably got distemper.

We'll have to get you a Bob Martins.

(rapid knocking)

- [Mr. Peacock] Come in.

- I won't come in any farther, sir.

The doctor's here and he's got the result of the blood test.

- Is he looking hopeful?

- It's hard to tell.

(audience laughs)

(all gasping) (audience laughs)

- [Doctor] Don't be alarmed.

Just a few elementary precautions.

- What's the matter with him?

- [Doctor] Well, the patient's has contracted

a rather rare malady known as Marine's disease.

- Marine's disease?

Is it catching?

- [Doctor] It's never been known to be fatal

but it does have some rather nasty side effects

if you don't get the grip for it quickly.

Well, let's have a look at you.

Did you always have that bump on your nose?

- Of course not.

- [Doctor] That's one of the first symptoms

of the first stage.

Now, have you been sneezing a lot?

- No.

- [Doctor] Well, you've got the sneezing to come.

That's the second stage.

Now the trouble is that anybody

who's been in contact with the patient

will have to be isolated.

- We've all been in contact with him.

- [Doctor] Well then, in that case we'll have to seal off

the whole department and you'll all have to be isolated

until the Medical Officer of Health gives you the all clear.

- But at seven o'clock tonight

my pussy's expecting to see a friendly face.

(audience laughs)

- How long are we to be isolated?

- [Doctor] For about seven days.

- Just how do you get this Marine's disease?

- I knew somebody would ask that question sooner or later.

- [Doctor] It's nothing to do with Marines.

In fact, it comes from small shellfish.

- Should have kept me hands off those winkles last night.

(audience laughs)

(registers dinging)

(spray whooshing)

- What are you doing, Mr. Harman?

- As per doctor's orders.

Seeing as how they couldn't go to hospital

I just decontaminated the lift

so they can be taken to their quarters

where they can all be isolated.

- I think they were quite relieved when they heard

they weren't going to hospital.

- They won't be so relieved

when they hear where they're going.

Where've they got to?

- They're burning their clothes in the incinerator

and putting on their antiseptic, disposable sleepwear.

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

Oh, blimey, the last time I saw a sight like that

the keeper was feeding 'em

with a bucket of fish and a penguin.

(audience laughs)

- Where are we going?

- Oh, Mr. Grace did consider sending you to the boardroom.

- That sounds quite nice.

- Yeah, but he couldn't find the key to the drinks cabinet.

- Oh, he needn't had bothered to open that for us.

- He wanted to lock it.

(audience laughs)

- So where are we going?

- The bedding store.

- Well, at least there'll be plenty of decent beds.

- Right, follow me.

(spray whooshing)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- These must be our quarters through here.

Oh no, that's the loo.

(audience laughs)

Where are we supposed to be going, Mr. Harman?

- He's closing the door!

- [Stephen] Harman, Harman, open that door at once, Harman!

- The doctor's orders, you got to be isolated

and isolated you is.

- But we can't stay in here.

- Lights out 10 o'clock.

I'll be 'round in the morning with a cuppa.

- But where are the beds?

- That's it over there.

A king-sized water bed.

Returned by an Arab sheik

because it was too big a strain on his oasis.

(audience laughs)

- What about our dinner?

- Oh yeah, I'll shove it through this little hole.

It'll be narrow, but nourishing.

(audience laughs)

(everyone yelling)

- Well, what I say is, if we're going to have to stay here

we might as well make the best of it.

Cheers.

If we remain here for a week

I'm determined I'm not going to get it.

- We'll drink to that, Mr. Grace.

(audience laughs) (rapid knocking)

- Excuse me, Mr. Grace.

- How are they getting on down in the basement?

- They was hammering on the door for about an hour,

then I gave them all chicken curry and prunes.

(audience laughs)

- I see.

Is it all quiet down there now?

- As quiet as can be expected under the circumstances.

(audience laughs)

- Let us face it, it is a callous act

and a gross violation of our freedom.

But we are here for the night.

- But where are we gonna sleep?

- Well, speaking for myself, and I am unanimous in this,

Miss Brahms and me are not spending the night

and sharing a bed with four men.

- Yeah, especially when one of them is him.

- Mrs. Slocombe, I think I speak for all of us

when I say, that the sight of you in that

doesn't exactly send the blood surging

like fire through my veins.

(audience laughs)

- You could, of course, take the floor, Mrs. Slocombe.

- On the other hand, if we have to share,

then I bags the outside.

And you be next to me, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Humphries,

what are you doing?

- I'm not doing anything.

- You're agitating it.

- I'm doing nothing of the kind!

(audience laughs)

Captain Peacock...

Captain Peacock, I don't often ask this,

but would you mind holding my hand?

(audience laughs)

That's better.

- We're gonna have to stay very still in the night.

- I usually do.

(audience laughs)

- Come on Miss Brahms, you get in next to me.

- Come on, everybody.

All the rest of you get in, that's right.

You on the end, Mr. Spooner.

Scoot in, Miss Brahms while I get my legs in.

Come on mister, mister...

Mr. Grossman get in.

Spooner over here.

Down there.

(audience laughing)

Hold on, hold onto the back.

Hold onto the back.

Alright.

Hang on, hang on.

Now then, everybody ease down

very slowly into the bed.

Slowly.

Careful, careful.

There we are.

- Mrs. Slocombe,

where's your foot?

(audience laughs)

- I've rather lost track of them, Mr. Humphries.

(audience laughs)

- Try wiggling your right, big toe.

No.

Your left one.

(laughs)

(audience laughs)

You'll have to move it, Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience laughs)

- Are you alright, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Not very, Captain Peacock.

- I'm a bad sailor.

- Well, put it like this,

even when I'm watching...

(audience laughs)

Triangle I have to take seasick pills.

(audience laughs)

- Don't we all.

I think it's going down.

Everybody lie quite still

and breathe very slowly.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

- Oxford are leading by two lengths.

(audience laughs) - Be quiet, Mr. Spooner.

- I can't go to sleep with the light on.

- Well, you'll have to,

because my curry won't stand one more wave.

(audience laughs)

- I've got another problem.

I can feel phase two coming on.

- Not the sneezes?

- I'm afraid so.

- I've got an itchy nose and all.

- Funny you should say that--

(sneezes forcefully)

(all sneezing)

(audience applauds)

(registers dinging)

- [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery,

stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)

Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,

material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas.

Going down!

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)