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1
00:00:00,244 --> 00:00:03,244
(registers dinging)
2
00:00:05,988 --> 00:00:07,976
- [Lift Girl] Ground floor
perfumery, stationery,
3
00:00:07,976 --> 00:00:09,898
and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,
4
00:00:09,898 --> 00:00:11,857
kitchenware and food, going up.
5
00:00:11,857 --> 00:00:14,440
(upbeat music)
6
00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:19,798
First floor telephones,
gents ready-made suits.
7
00:00:19,798 --> 00:00:22,522
- Here, I've got half a
dozen pairs of Willies here,
8
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:23,993
where do you want 'em?
9
00:00:23,993 --> 00:00:25,188
(audience laughs)
10
00:00:25,188 --> 00:00:27,649
- We're gonna leave them
until Mr. Grossman arrives.
11
00:00:27,649 --> 00:00:28,893
Let him decide.
12
00:00:28,893 --> 00:00:30,862
(boots plopping)
- Alright.
13
00:00:30,862 --> 00:00:32,569
(lift dinging)
14
00:00:32,569 --> 00:00:33,877
- Good morning, Captain Peacock.
15
00:00:33,877 --> 00:00:34,734
- Good morning.
16
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:35,727
- [Stephen] Good morning, ladies.
17
00:00:35,727 --> 00:00:37,891
- It's pouring with rain.
18
00:00:37,891 --> 00:00:39,607
I've ruined me shoes.
19
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:42,588
- You won't have far to
go to buy a new pair.
20
00:00:42,588 --> 00:00:45,371
Mr. Grace has decreed that a
section of the Shoe department
21
00:00:45,371 --> 00:00:47,789
to be phased in on our floor.
22
00:00:47,789 --> 00:00:49,012
- I hope Mr. Grace realizes
23
00:00:49,012 --> 00:00:52,929
that we're losing our most
important point of display.
24
00:00:52,929 --> 00:00:54,364
The sales'll drop.
25
00:00:54,364 --> 00:00:55,758
- Yeah, we was gonna have an exhibition
26
00:00:55,758 --> 00:00:59,396
of honeymoon nighties this
week, weren't we, Mrs. Slocombe?
27
00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:01,073
- From what I can remember of my honeymoon
28
00:01:01,073 --> 00:01:02,827
that shouldn't take up much room.
29
00:01:02,827 --> 00:01:04,960
(audience laughs)
30
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,114
- Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
31
00:01:06,114 --> 00:01:07,420
Good morning, Miss Brahms.
32
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:08,360
- Morning.
- Good morning.
33
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,546
- Look at this.
34
00:01:09,546 --> 00:01:11,034
Aren't they beautiful?
35
00:01:11,034 --> 00:01:13,903
If you saw the price they're
asking at Lelly and Woolards
36
00:01:13,903 --> 00:01:16,682
you wouldn't dare to try them on.
37
00:01:16,682 --> 00:01:18,559
Feel the leather.
38
00:01:18,559 --> 00:01:20,226
A snip at 45 pounds.
39
00:01:21,216 --> 00:01:22,966
To you, 12 pounds 50.
40
00:01:24,526 --> 00:01:25,435
(laughs)
41
00:01:25,435 --> 00:01:27,532
How do I do it, you ask?
42
00:01:27,532 --> 00:01:28,530
They are seconds.
43
00:01:28,530 --> 00:01:30,695
(audience laughs)
44
00:01:30,695 --> 00:01:32,620
- Captain Peacock, I hope Mr. Grossman
45
00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:35,523
isn't going to be selling ladies shoes.
46
00:01:35,523 --> 00:01:39,033
- Mrs. Slocombe, I've been
selling ladies shoes all my life.
47
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,961
- You wouldn't sell a pair to me.
48
00:01:40,961 --> 00:01:43,369
No lady would allow a strange
man to be in a position
49
00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:44,924
where he can have a peak-a-boo
50
00:01:44,924 --> 00:01:46,229
when she's trying something on.
51
00:01:46,229 --> 00:01:47,815
(audience laughs)
52
00:01:47,815 --> 00:01:51,083
- If you are upset, please,
you sell the ladies shoes.
53
00:01:51,083 --> 00:01:53,003
- I'm not sure that I approve of that.
54
00:01:53,003 --> 00:01:55,594
Does Mrs. Slocombe no how to sell shoe?
55
00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:58,244
- Captain Peacock, when
one is a salesperson
56
00:01:58,244 --> 00:02:00,533
one can sell anything.
57
00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:02,086
- Well, in that case, Mrs. Slocombe,
58
00:02:02,086 --> 00:02:05,148
you won't mind demonstrating
on Miss Brahms.
59
00:02:05,148 --> 00:02:07,114
Mr. Harman, the chair.
60
00:02:07,114 --> 00:02:08,114
Miss Brahms.
61
00:02:09,447 --> 00:02:11,332
Carry on, Mrs. Slocombe.
62
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:12,165
- Right.
63
00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:20,506
(audience laughs)
64
00:02:20,506 --> 00:02:23,120
Good morning, madam, are you being served?
65
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,251
- I'd like a pair of shoes, please.
66
00:02:25,251 --> 00:02:28,803
- Oh, and has madam seen
anything that caught her eye?
67
00:02:28,803 --> 00:02:29,636
- Well--
68
00:02:29,636 --> 00:02:31,909
- The lady would like a
pair of shoes not too high,
69
00:02:31,909 --> 00:02:33,176
and not too low.
70
00:02:33,176 --> 00:02:35,269
In a color that will go with anything,
71
00:02:35,269 --> 00:02:37,312
that will look smart in the evening,
72
00:02:37,312 --> 00:02:39,904
and that she can also wear in daytime.
73
00:02:39,904 --> 00:02:41,085
- I see.
74
00:02:41,085 --> 00:02:43,619
(audience laughs)
75
00:02:43,619 --> 00:02:44,974
And what size?
76
00:02:44,974 --> 00:02:46,621
- Italian 36.
77
00:02:46,621 --> 00:02:48,797
The lady doesn't know
what it is in English.
78
00:02:48,797 --> 00:02:51,495
- Would madam kindly remove her shoe?
79
00:02:51,495 --> 00:02:53,920
Or would you like your
grandfather to do it for you?
80
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,920
(audience laughing)
81
00:03:08,653 --> 00:03:11,236
- [Mr. Grossman] Mrs. Slocombe.
82
00:03:12,828 --> 00:03:14,867
- Well, I didn't realize we had one.
83
00:03:14,867 --> 00:03:17,700
(audience laughs)
84
00:03:45,074 --> 00:03:46,123
(gasps)
85
00:03:46,123 --> 00:03:48,956
(audience laughs)
86
00:04:14,903 --> 00:04:17,804
- Why don't you use a shoehorn?
87
00:04:17,804 --> 00:04:19,730
- Where is it?
88
00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:20,958
- Over here.
89
00:04:20,958 --> 00:04:23,791
(audience laughs)
90
00:04:32,129 --> 00:04:33,489
♫ Hi ho hi ho
91
00:04:33,489 --> 00:04:34,556
♫ It's off to work we
92
00:04:34,556 --> 00:04:37,389
(audience laughs)
93
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,725
- There, how does that feel?
94
00:04:48,725 --> 00:04:51,595
- I'm not sure about the color.
95
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:53,027
I'll take them.
96
00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:54,379
(audience laughs)
97
00:04:54,379 --> 00:04:55,814
- There.
(shoehorn rattles)
98
00:04:55,814 --> 00:04:57,006
Perfectly simple.
99
00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:59,876
- Madam would like to take
them in the box, Mrs. Slocombe.
100
00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:02,876
(audience laughing)
101
00:05:20,173 --> 00:05:22,923
(Betty groaning)
102
00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:30,826
(audience laughs)
103
00:05:42,792 --> 00:05:45,209
(lift dings)
104
00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:53,535
(audience applauds)
105
00:05:59,534 --> 00:06:02,079
- Well, of course, if you
have to go through all that
106
00:06:02,079 --> 00:06:05,092
palaver just to sell a cheap pair of shoes
107
00:06:05,092 --> 00:06:07,177
I'll stick to me underwear.
108
00:06:07,177 --> 00:06:08,939
- The way you was walking,
I thought you had.
109
00:06:08,939 --> 00:06:10,692
(audience laughs)
110
00:06:10,692 --> 00:06:12,288
(lift dings)
111
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:15,288
(audience applauds)
112
00:06:19,654 --> 00:06:22,518
- Before you say anything,
I've got to use this
113
00:06:22,518 --> 00:06:23,990
because me mother's got me raincoat
114
00:06:23,990 --> 00:06:26,521
to queue up for a disability pension.
115
00:06:26,521 --> 00:06:28,405
I borrowed it off a very
nice girl punk rocker
116
00:06:28,405 --> 00:06:29,998
who lives next door.
117
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:31,474
It was her bridal gown.
118
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,531
(audience laughs)
119
00:06:32,531 --> 00:06:34,491
- Don't tell me she got married in that.
120
00:06:34,491 --> 00:06:35,324
- Married?
121
00:06:35,324 --> 00:06:36,243
She lived in it for a week with the groom
122
00:06:36,243 --> 00:06:38,145
before they found somewhere to squat.
123
00:06:38,145 --> 00:06:39,083
(audience laughs)
124
00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:40,013
- Do you know Mr. Grossman?
125
00:06:40,013 --> 00:06:40,846
- Yes.
126
00:06:42,173 --> 00:06:44,016
How do you do?
127
00:06:44,016 --> 00:06:46,181
- He will also be
assisting on your counter.
128
00:06:46,181 --> 00:06:48,177
Perhaps you'll be good
enough to show him the ropes.
129
00:06:48,177 --> 00:06:49,010
- Of course.
130
00:06:49,010 --> 00:06:49,919
Captain Peacock, Mr. Grossman
131
00:06:49,919 --> 00:06:52,003
would you mind taking a corner each?
132
00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:53,436
- If you insist, Mr. Humphries.
133
00:06:53,436 --> 00:06:55,271
- Thank you, going down.
134
00:06:55,271 --> 00:06:58,104
(audience laughs)
135
00:06:58,943 --> 00:07:00,209
- Will you be going home in that?
136
00:07:00,209 --> 00:07:02,537
- I should think not after
my experience on the tube.
137
00:07:02,537 --> 00:07:04,744
I feel asleep and somebody reported me
138
00:07:04,744 --> 00:07:06,827
as a dangerous parcel.
139
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,074
I woke up at Queensway
to find a sergeant major
140
00:07:09,074 --> 00:07:11,686
in the Royal Engineers
trying to take me fuse out.
141
00:07:11,686 --> 00:07:13,438
(audience laughs)
142
00:07:13,438 --> 00:07:15,194
- May I have your attention, please?
143
00:07:15,194 --> 00:07:16,611
- Ladies, please.
144
00:07:18,256 --> 00:07:19,928
- I want you to welcome your new assistant
145
00:07:19,928 --> 00:07:22,170
to this department, Mr. Spooner.
146
00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:24,092
I'm sure you're all aware that Mr. Spooner
147
00:07:24,092 --> 00:07:26,586
has already served time
in the Paint department,
148
00:07:26,586 --> 00:07:28,258
Bedding and Sports.
149
00:07:28,258 --> 00:07:30,143
Now, you'll be under Mr. Humphries,
150
00:07:30,143 --> 00:07:32,763
who's under Mr. Grossman,
who is under Captain Peacock.
151
00:07:32,763 --> 00:07:35,056
- I see, like the bottom
bum on a triple hamburger.
152
00:07:35,056 --> 00:07:36,567
(audience laughs)
153
00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:37,920
- Preferably without the sauce.
154
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:38,983
(audience laughs)
155
00:07:38,983 --> 00:07:40,208
- Carry on, Captain, please.
156
00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:41,847
♫ Rolling 'round the world
157
00:07:41,847 --> 00:07:44,018
♫ Looking for the sunshine
158
00:07:44,018 --> 00:07:46,680
♫ That never seems to go my way
159
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,909
- What is that, Mr. Harman?
160
00:07:48,909 --> 00:07:50,420
- This is a point of sale display for the
161
00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,388
Winter Wonder Weather Worthy Willies.
162
00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:53,221
(audience laughs)
163
00:07:53,221 --> 00:07:54,054
- You know about this, Mr. Grossman?
164
00:07:54,054 --> 00:07:54,928
- Let me explain.
165
00:07:54,928 --> 00:07:57,651
Here we have a bit of
simulated British countryside,
166
00:07:57,651 --> 00:07:58,484
i.e. mud.
167
00:07:59,517 --> 00:08:01,764
Here, we have the Willies,
which is guaranteed,
168
00:08:01,764 --> 00:08:05,611
unconditionally for five years
against seepage and leakage.
169
00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:08,229
On the approach of a costumer,
all you do is switch on
170
00:08:08,229 --> 00:08:11,209
and this is guaranteed
to attract attention.
171
00:08:11,209 --> 00:08:12,042
Thus.
172
00:08:13,046 --> 00:08:17,213
(mud squishing)
(audience laughs)
173
00:08:23,206 --> 00:08:24,572
- Captain Peacock,
174
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:27,064
I hope you don't expect me
to stand here trying to sell
175
00:08:27,064 --> 00:08:30,426
honeymoon nighties with
that noise going on.
176
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,344
(audience laughs)
177
00:08:32,344 --> 00:08:35,614
(mud bubbling)
178
00:08:35,614 --> 00:08:38,519
(audience laughs)
179
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:41,519
(audience applauds)
180
00:08:49,623 --> 00:08:52,207
- Mr. Spooner, part of our
table has become detached.
181
00:08:52,207 --> 00:08:53,445
It's probably the cleaners.
182
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:56,695
Give me a hand to move it up, will you?
183
00:09:01,446 --> 00:09:03,657
- What do you think you're doing?
184
00:09:03,657 --> 00:09:04,762
- I would have thought it was obvious
185
00:09:04,762 --> 00:09:07,549
to the meanest intelligence
that I'm moving this table
186
00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:10,004
to the side of that table.
187
00:09:10,004 --> 00:09:11,313
A position, which to my knowledge,
188
00:09:11,313 --> 00:09:13,850
it has occupied for the past 15 years.
189
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:14,997
- Put it back.
190
00:09:14,997 --> 00:09:15,830
- I beg your pardon?
191
00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:16,681
- You got cloth ears?
192
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,932
- Madam, I do not like
the tone of your voice.
193
00:09:18,932 --> 00:09:20,797
- I don't like the color of your mustache
194
00:09:20,797 --> 00:09:22,066
but I'm learning to live with it.
195
00:09:22,066 --> 00:09:23,216
Put it back.
196
00:09:23,216 --> 00:09:24,158
(audience laughs)
197
00:09:24,158 --> 00:09:25,550
- I shall do no such thing.
198
00:09:25,550 --> 00:09:26,949
- Alright, I will.
199
00:09:26,949 --> 00:09:29,239
(table rattling)
200
00:09:29,239 --> 00:09:31,047
- Mr. Spooner.
201
00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:32,437
Put it back.
202
00:09:32,437 --> 00:09:33,988
- Is that an order, Captain Peacock?
203
00:09:33,988 --> 00:09:35,338
- It is.
204
00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:36,688
- Please note, I'm obeying orders,
205
00:09:36,688 --> 00:09:38,422
for this reason I hope you will not be
206
00:09:38,422 --> 00:09:40,037
putting your fingers in my plum duff.
207
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:42,809
(audience laughs)
208
00:09:42,809 --> 00:09:46,613
- I'm only gonna do this one more time.
209
00:09:46,613 --> 00:09:47,446
(table slams)
210
00:09:47,446 --> 00:09:48,328
- Very glad to hear it.
211
00:09:48,328 --> 00:09:50,640
(audience laughs)
212
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:54,120
(audience applauds)
213
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,721
- Nancy!
214
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,112
Nancy, come and give me a hand.
215
00:09:57,112 --> 00:09:58,544
I've having a bit of
trouble with the uppity one
216
00:09:58,544 --> 00:09:59,973
moth eaten 'tache.
217
00:09:59,973 --> 00:10:01,896
(audience laughs)
218
00:10:01,896 --> 00:10:04,230
(table slams)
219
00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:05,133
(audience laughs)
220
00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:08,300
Now what are you gonna do, Montgomery?
221
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,238
- Are you all behind me?
222
00:10:12,238 --> 00:10:13,268
- We are.
- Yes, Captain Peacock.
223
00:10:13,268 --> 00:10:15,518
- On the count of two, one,
224
00:10:16,388 --> 00:10:17,253
two.
225
00:10:17,253 --> 00:10:20,253
(audience applauds)
226
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,506
- Glad I found you all together.
227
00:10:28,506 --> 00:10:30,549
The G and C Fire Department
came 'round yesterday
228
00:10:30,549 --> 00:10:32,877
and they've instructed
us that there has to be
229
00:10:32,877 --> 00:10:35,950
a uniform fire passage
between all the tables
230
00:10:35,950 --> 00:10:38,279
so as to gain free
access to the fire exit.
231
00:10:38,279 --> 00:10:40,362
Therefore your table has to be divided.
232
00:10:40,362 --> 00:10:42,080
Peacock, could you move your table
233
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,285
a couple of feet in this direction?
234
00:10:44,285 --> 00:10:45,225
- Yes, sir.
235
00:10:45,225 --> 00:10:46,211
- [Cuthbert] Thank you, sir.
236
00:10:46,211 --> 00:10:49,044
(audience laughs)
237
00:10:54,271 --> 00:10:55,618
- If you just told us
that in the first place
238
00:10:55,618 --> 00:10:57,666
like any other, sensible chimpanzee,
239
00:10:57,666 --> 00:10:59,055
we wouldn't have had all this bother.
240
00:10:59,055 --> 00:11:01,104
(audience laughs)
241
00:11:01,104 --> 00:11:02,818
- You really put my back up.
242
00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:04,372
- Oh yeah, who put your front up?
243
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,557
(audience laughs)
244
00:11:05,557 --> 00:11:06,390
- That's enough out of you.
245
00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:08,499
I'm under a great strain
cooking for you lot.
246
00:11:08,499 --> 00:11:10,989
- You'd be under a lot more
strain if you had to eat it.
247
00:11:10,989 --> 00:11:12,788
(audience laughs)
248
00:11:12,788 --> 00:11:14,550
- Good for you, Miss Brahms.
249
00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,025
There you are, Captain Peacock.
250
00:11:16,025 --> 00:11:18,275
- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.
251
00:11:23,254 --> 00:11:24,320
- Just a minute.
252
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:25,909
(audience laughs)
253
00:11:25,909 --> 00:11:27,713
Where am I going to sit?
254
00:11:27,713 --> 00:11:29,405
- Well, you'd better sit over there.
255
00:11:29,405 --> 00:11:31,243
- I don't want to sit alone at that table
256
00:11:31,243 --> 00:11:33,351
like one what's been ostracized.
257
00:11:33,351 --> 00:11:34,942
(audience laughs)
258
00:11:34,942 --> 00:11:37,022
- Mrs. Slocombe, please take my seat.
259
00:11:37,022 --> 00:11:38,987
- Oh, thank you so much.
260
00:11:38,987 --> 00:11:43,643
Nowadays one so rarely finds
that ole continental charm.
261
00:11:43,643 --> 00:11:45,449
- Except from old continentals.
262
00:11:45,449 --> 00:11:46,811
(audience laughs)
263
00:11:46,811 --> 00:11:49,383
- Mr. Grossman, we can't
have a senior member of staff
264
00:11:49,383 --> 00:11:50,977
sitting over there all by himself.
265
00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,286
Come and sit over here with us.
266
00:11:52,286 --> 00:11:54,036
I'll get you a chair.
267
00:11:57,712 --> 00:12:00,545
(audience laughs)
268
00:12:03,278 --> 00:12:06,424
Mr. Spooner, as you sit
contemplating your fish and chips
269
00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:10,386
it must be obvious what
your next move is to be.
270
00:12:10,386 --> 00:12:12,230
- Certainly is, Captain Peacock.
271
00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:14,190
(audience laughs)
272
00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:15,701
- Spooner,
273
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,662
that is not your next move.
274
00:12:17,662 --> 00:12:19,953
That is your next move.
275
00:12:19,953 --> 00:12:21,303
- Here, have I been blackballed?
276
00:12:21,303 --> 00:12:22,530
- Well, you must have been thrown out
277
00:12:22,530 --> 00:12:24,490
the Paint department for some reason.
278
00:12:24,490 --> 00:12:27,323
(audience laughs)
279
00:12:32,035 --> 00:12:33,956
- Why has Mr. Spooner been blackballed?
280
00:12:33,956 --> 00:12:35,385
(audience laughs)
281
00:12:35,385 --> 00:12:38,494
- Because the firemen
wanted a clear passage.
282
00:12:38,494 --> 00:12:40,013
- No further questions.
283
00:12:40,013 --> 00:12:42,846
(audience laughs)
284
00:12:49,995 --> 00:12:52,612
- Mr. Humphries, if you sit
on the floor there all alone
285
00:12:52,612 --> 00:12:54,244
people will start talking.
286
00:12:54,244 --> 00:12:55,719
Why don't you sit over there?
287
00:12:55,719 --> 00:12:56,701
- 'Cause as long as I'm sitting here
288
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,020
I know what they're talking about.
289
00:12:58,020 --> 00:12:59,537
(audience laughs)
290
00:12:59,537 --> 00:13:01,130
- Oh, come over here, Mr. Humphries.
291
00:13:01,130 --> 00:13:02,463
We can hunch up.
292
00:13:03,540 --> 00:13:06,234
We can always find room for a little one.
293
00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:08,729
- (laughs) Mrs. Slocombe,
you do have a way with words.
294
00:13:08,729 --> 00:13:11,562
(audience laughs)
295
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:16,943
Ow!
296
00:13:16,943 --> 00:13:18,298
Something's sticking in me.
297
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,604
- Are you alright?
298
00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:22,505
- It's a demand from the
taxman, but he's not getting it.
299
00:13:22,505 --> 00:13:23,689
(audience laughs)
300
00:13:23,689 --> 00:13:24,968
- How much money does he want?
301
00:13:24,968 --> 00:13:26,358
- He doesn't want any
money, it's just a demand
302
00:13:26,358 --> 00:13:27,539
and he's not getting it.
303
00:13:27,539 --> 00:13:28,767
(audience laughs)
304
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,319
- Has anybody seen my paper?
305
00:13:30,319 --> 00:13:32,279
- You're sitting on it, Mr. Grossman.
306
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,708
- Oh yes.
307
00:13:33,708 --> 00:13:36,525
As long as I know where it is.
308
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:39,076
- If you was in China you
could read it like that.
309
00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:41,369
(audience laughs)
310
00:13:41,369 --> 00:13:42,269
- What do you mean?
311
00:13:42,269 --> 00:13:44,135
- Well, there was this
article in this magazine
312
00:13:44,135 --> 00:13:47,077
where they is training
people in China and Russia
313
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:49,854
to read books by putting
them under their arms.
314
00:13:49,854 --> 00:13:51,774
And there was a picture of someone reading
315
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:54,633
by putting their elbows on the words.
316
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:55,466
(audience laughs)
317
00:13:55,466 --> 00:13:56,397
- Yes, I read that article.
318
00:13:56,397 --> 00:13:59,337
It seems that with
training people could read
319
00:13:59,337 --> 00:14:01,670
with any part of their body.
320
00:14:02,896 --> 00:14:04,254
- Mrs. Slocombe would be good at that.
321
00:14:04,254 --> 00:14:05,938
She could open the Times, sit on it,
322
00:14:05,938 --> 00:14:07,572
and read two pages as once.
323
00:14:07,572 --> 00:14:10,512
(audience laughs)
324
00:14:10,512 --> 00:14:12,268
- Anymore of your lip
and I'll have you banned
325
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,903
from the canteen.
326
00:14:13,903 --> 00:14:15,903
(audience laughs)
327
00:14:15,903 --> 00:14:17,004
- Has anyone got a hammer?
328
00:14:17,004 --> 00:14:18,967
I can't get this fork in me liver.
329
00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:20,817
- I don't think we should
take too much time over lunch.
330
00:14:20,817 --> 00:14:22,740
Young Mr. Grace wants to introduce us
331
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:24,910
to his brother, Old Mr. Grace.
332
00:14:24,910 --> 00:14:27,439
- Is it true that Young
Mr. Grace is retiring?
333
00:14:27,439 --> 00:14:28,829
- No, no, no, no, he's not retiring,
334
00:14:28,829 --> 00:14:31,694
I believe he's been writing
a book on ornithology.
335
00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:34,647
He's completed his research
into mating and migration
336
00:14:34,647 --> 00:14:37,268
and now he wants to spend
more time on the nest.
337
00:14:37,268 --> 00:14:40,039
(audience laughs)
338
00:14:40,039 --> 00:14:41,713
- Has anybody seen his brother?
339
00:14:41,713 --> 00:14:42,879
- Not in the flesh.
340
00:14:42,879 --> 00:14:45,618
But a Rolls Royce ambulance
with black windows drew up
341
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,680
just before lunch.
342
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,618
(audience laughs)
343
00:14:47,618 --> 00:14:49,597
- And did Mr. Grace get out of the back?
344
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:50,700
- No, he was driving it,
345
00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:52,376
six dancing girls got out of the back.
346
00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:55,209
(audience laughs)
347
00:14:57,889 --> 00:14:59,803
- I can hardly feel anything there.
348
00:14:59,803 --> 00:15:02,153
- I can hardly feel anything anywhere.
349
00:15:02,153 --> 00:15:05,463
(audience laughs)
350
00:15:05,463 --> 00:15:06,773
(door slams)
351
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,368
- Excuse me not knocking, Mr. Grace,
352
00:15:08,368 --> 00:15:09,597
but you don't hear me when I do
353
00:15:09,597 --> 00:15:11,774
so I didn't think it was
worth the time and effort
354
00:15:11,774 --> 00:15:12,798
if I did so I didn't.
355
00:15:12,798 --> 00:15:15,278
(audience laughs)
356
00:15:15,278 --> 00:15:16,380
- What was that?
357
00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:17,213
- Nothing.
358
00:15:18,056 --> 00:15:19,322
There's an elderly gentleman outside
359
00:15:19,322 --> 00:15:20,996
what says he wants to see ya.
360
00:15:20,996 --> 00:15:23,663
(woman screams)
361
00:15:26,633 --> 00:15:28,362
- Yes, that would be my brother.
362
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:29,195
- [Beverley] Oh.
363
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:30,028
- Come in.
364
00:15:32,146 --> 00:15:33,396
- Hello, Henry.
365
00:15:35,718 --> 00:15:37,037
(audience laughs)
366
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:38,630
- I'm not Henry, you're Henry.
367
00:15:38,630 --> 00:15:39,774
- Oh yes.
368
00:15:39,774 --> 00:15:43,252
Is that where I'm going to sit, I suppose?
369
00:15:43,252 --> 00:15:44,524
- Yes, that's right.
370
00:15:44,524 --> 00:15:46,445
- Where does my secretary sit?
371
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:47,717
- On your knee, you fool.
372
00:15:47,717 --> 00:15:49,350
(audience laughs)
373
00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:52,504
- This is your secretary, sir.
374
00:15:52,504 --> 00:15:56,514
One owner since new,
completely run in, very sporty,
375
00:15:56,514 --> 00:15:58,561
capable of high speeds
if you put your foot down
376
00:15:58,561 --> 00:15:59,710
and she's all yours.
377
00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:00,610
(audience laughs)
378
00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:02,003
This young lady is your nurse.
379
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,196
There's her bell on the desk.
380
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,663
And when you give her the signal
381
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:05,968
she comes running.
382
00:16:05,968 --> 00:16:07,436
And the day she gives the signal
383
00:16:07,436 --> 00:16:08,740
we all come running.
384
00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:10,128
(audience laughs)
385
00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:10,961
(rapid knocking)
386
00:16:10,961 --> 00:16:13,163
Oh, it's the door.
387
00:16:13,163 --> 00:16:13,996
- Excuse me, sir,
388
00:16:13,996 --> 00:16:16,229
the staff from the Clothing department--
389
00:16:16,229 --> 00:16:17,416
- Send them in.
390
00:16:17,416 --> 00:16:19,383
- Please, come in.
391
00:16:19,383 --> 00:16:21,416
- You do the honors, Rumbold.
392
00:16:21,416 --> 00:16:22,722
- This is Captain Peacock.
393
00:16:22,722 --> 00:16:23,555
- Good afternoon, sir.
394
00:16:23,555 --> 00:16:27,138
- I've heard all about
you from my brother.
395
00:16:28,496 --> 00:16:29,693
- This is Mr. Grossman.
396
00:16:29,693 --> 00:16:30,735
- Good afternoon, sir.
397
00:16:30,735 --> 00:16:34,318
- I've heard all about
you from my brother.
398
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,625
- This is Mr. Humphries.
399
00:16:36,625 --> 00:16:37,458
- Hello.
400
00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:39,602
- I've heard all about
you from my brother,
401
00:16:39,602 --> 00:16:41,855
but I didn't understand a word of it.
402
00:16:41,855 --> 00:16:44,688
(audience laughs)
403
00:16:45,694 --> 00:16:46,794
- This is Mrs. Slocombe.
404
00:16:46,794 --> 00:16:49,002
She's made a big mark in the Ladies.
405
00:16:49,002 --> 00:16:50,671
- Well, don't do it again.
406
00:16:50,671 --> 00:16:53,504
(audience laughs)
407
00:16:55,496 --> 00:16:56,392
- This is Miss Brahms.
408
00:16:56,392 --> 00:16:58,227
A sunny, friendly personality,
409
00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,748
who shows a great deal of promise.
410
00:16:59,748 --> 00:17:01,835
- Yes, but it never been fulfilled.
411
00:17:01,835 --> 00:17:05,395
(audience laughs)
412
00:17:05,395 --> 00:17:06,591
- This is Spooner.
413
00:17:06,591 --> 00:17:08,100
- Who has a sarcastic personality
414
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,020
and shows no promise whatever.
415
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:11,936
(audience laughs)
416
00:17:11,936 --> 00:17:13,576
- Well, that's about it, sir.
417
00:17:13,576 --> 00:17:14,644
Mr. Grace?
418
00:17:14,644 --> 00:17:15,851
Mr. Grace?
419
00:17:15,851 --> 00:17:16,793
You dropped off, sir.
420
00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:17,699
- Hmm?
421
00:17:17,699 --> 00:17:19,172
- [Cuthbert] Dropped off.
422
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,843
- What dropped?
423
00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:22,890
(audience laughs)
424
00:17:22,890 --> 00:17:26,018
- Your brother has not
met all the staff, sir.
425
00:17:26,018 --> 00:17:27,968
- In that case, I can go. (laughs)
426
00:17:27,968 --> 00:17:29,806
- Make way for Mr. Grace,
hold the door open.
427
00:17:29,806 --> 00:17:31,082
Don't get in his way,
give him plenty of air.
428
00:17:31,082 --> 00:17:31,915
Come on now.
429
00:17:31,915 --> 00:17:34,068
- Alright, alright,
don't make so much fuss.
430
00:17:34,068 --> 00:17:37,071
I'm not the emperor of China.
431
00:17:37,071 --> 00:17:40,505
Well, you've all done very well.
432
00:17:40,505 --> 00:17:41,797
- Come along, Mr. Grace.
433
00:17:41,797 --> 00:17:44,003
(audience applauds)
434
00:17:44,003 --> 00:17:46,253
- [All] So long, Mr. Grace.
435
00:17:47,472 --> 00:17:48,806
- There's your pajamas, madam.
436
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:51,559
And if your husband doesn't
get complete satisfaction
437
00:17:51,559 --> 00:17:53,444
don't hesitate to bring them back.
438
00:17:53,444 --> 00:17:55,204
(audience laughs)
439
00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:57,161
Now where was I?
440
00:17:57,161 --> 00:17:58,408
- You had a funny, shaky feeling
441
00:17:58,408 --> 00:17:59,912
so you went to see the doctor.
442
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:00,745
- Oh yes.
443
00:18:00,745 --> 00:18:01,960
Well, after a very rigorous examination
444
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:02,988
he looked and me and he said,
445
00:18:02,988 --> 00:18:04,918
"I can't find anything wrong with you."
446
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,040
Which surprised me.
447
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,936
So I asked for a second opinion.
448
00:18:07,936 --> 00:18:08,769
- Did you get one?
449
00:18:08,769 --> 00:18:10,486
- From the window cleaner,
but we closed the curtains
450
00:18:10,486 --> 00:18:11,711
and ignored him.
451
00:18:11,711 --> 00:18:12,978
(audience laughs)
452
00:18:12,978 --> 00:18:15,466
So anyway, he sent me to see
this psychiatrist, you see,
453
00:18:15,466 --> 00:18:16,451
in the same building.
454
00:18:16,451 --> 00:18:18,171
Well, as soon as I went
through the door he said,
455
00:18:18,171 --> 00:18:19,979
"Lie on the couch and
tell me the first thing
456
00:18:19,979 --> 00:18:21,778
"that comes into your mind."
457
00:18:21,778 --> 00:18:23,010
I said, you mind closing those curtains,
458
00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:24,561
I'm sick of the sight
of that window cleaner.
459
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:25,703
(audience laughs)
460
00:18:25,703 --> 00:18:27,017
- Did he find out what your problem was?
461
00:18:27,017 --> 00:18:29,385
- Not exactly, but we've tracked down his.
462
00:18:29,385 --> 00:18:31,266
We're having dinner
tonight, to discuss it.
463
00:18:31,266 --> 00:18:34,131
(audience laughs)
464
00:18:34,131 --> 00:18:36,587
Just fell my hand, it's gone all clammy.
465
00:18:36,587 --> 00:18:38,221
- No, I'll take your word for it.
466
00:18:38,221 --> 00:18:39,814
(audience laughs)
467
00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:41,343
- I think I shall have to sit down.
468
00:18:41,343 --> 00:18:45,649
Mr. Spooner, do you mind
helping me to that chair?
469
00:18:45,649 --> 00:18:47,243
Oh, I say.
470
00:18:47,243 --> 00:18:48,527
Get me a pair of Y fronts.
471
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,527
(audience laughs)
472
00:18:50,527 --> 00:18:51,360
- What size?
473
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,232
- Any size.
474
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:55,089
(audience laughs)
475
00:18:55,089 --> 00:18:56,155
Thank you.
476
00:18:56,155 --> 00:18:58,659
(package whooshing)
477
00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:01,807
- Mr. Spooner, why is Mr.
Humphries sitting down
478
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:05,204
and fanning himself with
a couple of Y fronts?
479
00:19:05,204 --> 00:19:06,476
- He's come over peculiar.
480
00:19:06,476 --> 00:19:07,700
(audience laughs)
481
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,953
- I heard about this.
482
00:19:09,953 --> 00:19:12,405
I didn't realize this is the form it took.
483
00:19:12,405 --> 00:19:14,815
(audience laughs)
484
00:19:14,815 --> 00:19:16,454
He's fainted, get a doctor!
485
00:19:16,454 --> 00:19:17,521
(registers dinging)
486
00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:18,666
- Miss Brahms, get on the phone.
487
00:19:18,666 --> 00:19:19,499
- [Shirley] Yes.
488
00:19:19,499 --> 00:19:22,767
(registers dinging)
489
00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:25,600
(audience laughs)
490
00:19:29,956 --> 00:19:31,584
- How are you feeling now, Mr. Humphries?
491
00:19:31,584 --> 00:19:32,485
- I feel perfectly alright
492
00:19:32,485 --> 00:19:34,667
but I've got a funny lump
coming up on me nose.
493
00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:36,060
(audience laughs)
494
00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:37,816
- Well, Mr. Humphries has to stay here
495
00:19:37,816 --> 00:19:41,378
until the doctor's
completed the blood tests.
496
00:19:41,378 --> 00:19:42,975
- Will it take long?
497
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,451
- They took a lot of blood.
498
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:45,573
(audience laughs)
499
00:19:45,573 --> 00:19:47,328
- Yes, well, I have to go home now
500
00:19:47,328 --> 00:19:49,130
but I've given Mr. Harman instructions
501
00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:51,022
to let the doctor in when he arrives.
502
00:19:51,022 --> 00:19:52,868
If you're feeling groggy,
I suggest you take a taxi.
503
00:19:52,868 --> 00:19:53,932
- Thank you.
504
00:19:53,932 --> 00:19:55,727
- At your own expense, of course.
505
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,560
(audience laughs)
506
00:19:59,526 --> 00:20:01,037
- I can't find his pulse.
507
00:20:01,037 --> 00:20:01,954
- Allow me.
508
00:20:04,182 --> 00:20:05,489
Yes, that seems alright.
509
00:20:05,489 --> 00:20:07,449
His wrist is a bit limp but
his heart's still going.
510
00:20:07,449 --> 00:20:08,920
(audience laughs)
511
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,739
- Oh, his forehead's very warm.
512
00:20:11,739 --> 00:20:12,724
- His nose is cold.
513
00:20:12,724 --> 00:20:14,073
(audience laughs)
514
00:20:14,073 --> 00:20:15,875
- His hair's a bit lifeless.
515
00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:17,720
It's a sign of poor health.
516
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,597
- He's probably got distemper.
517
00:20:19,597 --> 00:20:20,987
We'll have to get you a Bob Martins.
518
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:21,820
(rapid knocking)
519
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:24,562
- [Mr. Peacock] Come in.
520
00:20:24,562 --> 00:20:26,522
- I won't come in any farther, sir.
521
00:20:26,522 --> 00:20:29,258
The doctor's here and he's got
the result of the blood test.
522
00:20:29,258 --> 00:20:31,226
- Is he looking hopeful?
523
00:20:31,226 --> 00:20:32,412
- It's hard to tell.
524
00:20:32,412 --> 00:20:35,963
(audience laughs)
525
00:20:35,963 --> 00:20:40,254
(all gasping)
(audience laughs)
526
00:20:40,254 --> 00:20:41,402
- [Doctor] Don't be alarmed.
527
00:20:41,402 --> 00:20:44,422
Just a few elementary precautions.
528
00:20:44,422 --> 00:20:46,384
- What's the matter with him?
529
00:20:46,384 --> 00:20:47,531
- [Doctor] Well, the
patient's has contracted
530
00:20:47,531 --> 00:20:51,182
a rather rare malady
known as Marine's disease.
531
00:20:51,182 --> 00:20:53,429
- Marine's disease?
532
00:20:53,429 --> 00:20:54,709
Is it catching?
533
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:56,183
- [Doctor] It's never
been known to be fatal
534
00:20:56,183 --> 00:20:57,776
but it does have some
rather nasty side effects
535
00:20:57,776 --> 00:20:59,736
if you don't get the grip for it quickly.
536
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:02,636
Well, let's have a look at you.
537
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,722
Did you always have
that bump on your nose?
538
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,785
- Of course not.
539
00:21:05,785 --> 00:21:07,049
- [Doctor] That's one
of the first symptoms
540
00:21:07,049 --> 00:21:08,443
of the first stage.
541
00:21:08,443 --> 00:21:10,016
Now, have you been sneezing a lot?
542
00:21:10,016 --> 00:21:10,849
- No.
543
00:21:10,849 --> 00:21:12,480
- [Doctor] Well, you've
got the sneezing to come.
544
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,153
That's the second stage.
545
00:21:14,153 --> 00:21:15,299
Now the trouble is that anybody
546
00:21:15,299 --> 00:21:16,407
who's been in contact with the patient
547
00:21:16,407 --> 00:21:18,204
will have to be isolated.
548
00:21:18,204 --> 00:21:20,817
- We've all been in contact with him.
549
00:21:20,817 --> 00:21:22,496
- [Doctor] Well then, in that
case we'll have to seal off
550
00:21:22,496 --> 00:21:24,295
the whole department and
you'll all have to be isolated
551
00:21:24,295 --> 00:21:26,866
until the Medical Officer of
Health gives you the all clear.
552
00:21:26,866 --> 00:21:28,096
- But at seven o'clock tonight
553
00:21:28,096 --> 00:21:30,994
my pussy's expecting
to see a friendly face.
554
00:21:30,994 --> 00:21:32,137
(audience laughs)
555
00:21:32,137 --> 00:21:33,778
- How long are we to be isolated?
556
00:21:33,778 --> 00:21:35,015
- [Doctor] For about seven days.
557
00:21:35,015 --> 00:21:37,837
- Just how do you get
this Marine's disease?
558
00:21:37,837 --> 00:21:40,835
- I knew somebody would ask
that question sooner or later.
559
00:21:40,835 --> 00:21:41,941
- [Doctor] It's nothing
to do with Marines.
560
00:21:41,941 --> 00:21:44,083
In fact, it comes from small shellfish.
561
00:21:44,083 --> 00:21:46,590
- Should have kept me hands
off those winkles last night.
562
00:21:46,590 --> 00:21:47,945
(audience laughs)
563
00:21:47,945 --> 00:21:51,673
(registers dinging)
564
00:21:51,673 --> 00:21:54,860
(spray whooshing)
565
00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:56,499
- What are you doing, Mr. Harman?
566
00:21:56,499 --> 00:21:57,603
- As per doctor's orders.
567
00:21:57,603 --> 00:21:59,044
Seeing as how they couldn't go to hospital
568
00:21:59,044 --> 00:22:01,499
I just decontaminated the lift
569
00:22:01,499 --> 00:22:02,790
so they can be taken to their quarters
570
00:22:02,790 --> 00:22:04,547
where they can all be isolated.
571
00:22:04,547 --> 00:22:06,150
- I think they were quite
relieved when they heard
572
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:07,419
they weren't going to hospital.
573
00:22:07,419 --> 00:22:08,316
- They won't be so relieved
574
00:22:08,316 --> 00:22:09,907
when they hear where they're going.
575
00:22:09,907 --> 00:22:11,415
Where've they got to?
576
00:22:11,415 --> 00:22:13,148
- They're burning their
clothes in the incinerator
577
00:22:13,148 --> 00:22:15,906
and putting on their antiseptic,
disposable sleepwear.
578
00:22:15,906 --> 00:22:16,884
- Oh.
579
00:22:16,884 --> 00:22:19,717
(audience laughs)
580
00:22:28,721 --> 00:22:30,699
Oh, blimey, the last time
I saw a sight like that
581
00:22:30,699 --> 00:22:32,257
the keeper was feeding 'em
582
00:22:32,257 --> 00:22:34,219
with a bucket of fish and a penguin.
583
00:22:34,219 --> 00:22:35,730
(audience laughs)
584
00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:36,794
- Where are we going?
585
00:22:36,794 --> 00:22:39,830
- Oh, Mr. Grace did consider
sending you to the boardroom.
586
00:22:39,830 --> 00:22:41,465
- That sounds quite nice.
587
00:22:41,465 --> 00:22:43,851
- Yeah, but he couldn't find
the key to the drinks cabinet.
588
00:22:43,851 --> 00:22:46,629
- Oh, he needn't had
bothered to open that for us.
589
00:22:46,629 --> 00:22:47,718
- He wanted to lock it.
590
00:22:47,718 --> 00:22:48,859
(audience laughs)
591
00:22:48,859 --> 00:22:50,132
- So where are we going?
592
00:22:50,132 --> 00:22:51,199
- The bedding store.
593
00:22:51,199 --> 00:22:53,738
- Well, at least there'll
be plenty of decent beds.
594
00:22:53,738 --> 00:22:54,718
- Right, follow me.
595
00:22:54,718 --> 00:22:58,113
(spray whooshing)
596
00:22:58,113 --> 00:23:00,946
(audience laughs)
597
00:23:02,565 --> 00:23:05,565
(audience applauds)
598
00:23:12,785 --> 00:23:15,812
- These must be our quarters through here.
599
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:17,206
Oh no, that's the loo.
600
00:23:17,206 --> 00:23:18,351
(audience laughs)
601
00:23:18,351 --> 00:23:20,754
Where are we supposed
to be going, Mr. Harman?
602
00:23:20,754 --> 00:23:22,638
- He's closing the door!
603
00:23:22,638 --> 00:23:26,962
- [Stephen] Harman, Harman,
open that door at once, Harman!
604
00:23:26,962 --> 00:23:29,086
- The doctor's orders,
you got to be isolated
605
00:23:29,086 --> 00:23:30,762
and isolated you is.
606
00:23:30,762 --> 00:23:32,081
- But we can't stay in here.
607
00:23:32,081 --> 00:23:33,429
- Lights out 10 o'clock.
608
00:23:33,429 --> 00:23:35,367
I'll be 'round in the
morning with a cuppa.
609
00:23:35,367 --> 00:23:36,639
- But where are the beds?
610
00:23:36,639 --> 00:23:38,517
- That's it over there.
611
00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,836
A king-sized water bed.
612
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,201
Returned by an Arab sheik
613
00:23:42,201 --> 00:23:44,734
because it was too big
a strain on his oasis.
614
00:23:44,734 --> 00:23:46,328
(audience laughs)
615
00:23:46,328 --> 00:23:47,434
- What about our dinner?
616
00:23:47,434 --> 00:23:49,728
- Oh yeah, I'll shove it
through this little hole.
617
00:23:49,728 --> 00:23:51,681
It'll be narrow, but nourishing.
618
00:23:51,681 --> 00:23:52,872
(audience laughs)
619
00:23:52,872 --> 00:23:55,789
(everyone yelling)
620
00:23:59,265 --> 00:24:02,306
- Well, what I say is, if we're
going to have to stay here
621
00:24:02,306 --> 00:24:04,884
we might as well make the best of it.
622
00:24:04,884 --> 00:24:05,717
Cheers.
623
00:24:07,133 --> 00:24:08,480
If we remain here for a week
624
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,502
I'm determined I'm not going to get it.
625
00:24:11,502 --> 00:24:13,304
- We'll drink to that, Mr. Grace.
626
00:24:13,304 --> 00:24:17,471
(audience laughs)
(rapid knocking)
627
00:24:18,679 --> 00:24:19,864
- Excuse me, Mr. Grace.
628
00:24:19,864 --> 00:24:22,175
- How are they getting
on down in the basement?
629
00:24:22,175 --> 00:24:24,216
- They was hammering on
the door for about an hour,
630
00:24:24,216 --> 00:24:26,837
then I gave them all
chicken curry and prunes.
631
00:24:26,837 --> 00:24:28,994
(audience laughs)
632
00:24:28,994 --> 00:24:30,057
- I see.
633
00:24:30,057 --> 00:24:32,056
Is it all quiet down there now?
634
00:24:32,056 --> 00:24:34,962
- As quiet as can be expected
under the circumstances.
635
00:24:34,962 --> 00:24:37,332
(audience laughs)
636
00:24:37,332 --> 00:24:39,538
- Let us face it, it is a callous act
637
00:24:39,538 --> 00:24:42,160
and a gross violation of our freedom.
638
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,526
But we are here for the night.
639
00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:46,283
- But where are we gonna sleep?
640
00:24:46,283 --> 00:24:50,750
- Well, speaking for myself,
and I am unanimous in this,
641
00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:53,365
Miss Brahms and me are
not spending the night
642
00:24:53,365 --> 00:24:56,277
and sharing a bed with four men.
643
00:24:56,277 --> 00:24:59,564
- Yeah, especially when
one of them is him.
644
00:24:59,564 --> 00:25:01,493
- Mrs. Slocombe, I think
I speak for all of us
645
00:25:01,493 --> 00:25:03,461
when I say, that the sight of you in that
646
00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:05,797
doesn't exactly send the blood surging
647
00:25:05,797 --> 00:25:07,399
like fire through my veins.
648
00:25:07,399 --> 00:25:08,829
(audience laughs)
649
00:25:08,829 --> 00:25:10,994
- You could, of course, take
the floor, Mrs. Slocombe.
650
00:25:10,994 --> 00:25:14,066
- On the other hand, if we have to share,
651
00:25:14,066 --> 00:25:16,276
then I bags the outside.
652
00:25:16,276 --> 00:25:19,359
And you be next to me, Mr. Humphries.
653
00:25:20,523 --> 00:25:22,326
Mr. Humphries,
654
00:25:22,326 --> 00:25:23,394
what are you doing?
655
00:25:23,394 --> 00:25:25,444
- I'm not doing anything.
656
00:25:25,444 --> 00:25:26,761
- You're agitating it.
657
00:25:26,761 --> 00:25:28,154
- I'm doing nothing of the kind!
658
00:25:28,154 --> 00:25:30,987
(audience laughs)
659
00:25:32,116 --> 00:25:33,616
Captain Peacock...
660
00:25:34,690 --> 00:25:36,688
Captain Peacock, I don't often ask this,
661
00:25:36,688 --> 00:25:38,044
but would you mind holding my hand?
662
00:25:38,044 --> 00:25:40,790
(audience laughs)
663
00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:42,585
That's better.
664
00:25:42,585 --> 00:25:45,281
- We're gonna have to stay
very still in the night.
665
00:25:45,281 --> 00:25:46,384
- I usually do.
666
00:25:46,384 --> 00:25:47,404
(audience laughs)
667
00:25:47,404 --> 00:25:50,153
- Come on Miss Brahms,
you get in next to me.
668
00:25:50,153 --> 00:25:51,015
- Come on, everybody.
669
00:25:51,015 --> 00:25:52,814
All the rest of you get in, that's right.
670
00:25:52,814 --> 00:25:55,147
You on the end, Mr. Spooner.
671
00:25:57,437 --> 00:25:59,945
Scoot in, Miss Brahms
while I get my legs in.
672
00:25:59,945 --> 00:26:01,539
Come on mister, mister...
673
00:26:01,539 --> 00:26:03,765
Mr. Grossman get in.
674
00:26:03,765 --> 00:26:05,040
Spooner over here.
675
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,062
Down there.
676
00:26:06,062 --> 00:26:09,062
(audience laughing)
677
00:26:10,310 --> 00:26:12,808
Hold on, hold onto the back.
678
00:26:12,808 --> 00:26:13,922
Hold onto the back.
679
00:26:13,922 --> 00:26:14,755
Alright.
680
00:26:14,755 --> 00:26:16,840
Hang on, hang on.
681
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,900
Now then, everybody ease down
682
00:26:19,900 --> 00:26:21,983
very slowly into the bed.
683
00:26:24,043 --> 00:26:24,876
Slowly.
684
00:26:24,876 --> 00:26:26,293
Careful, careful.
685
00:26:27,418 --> 00:26:28,501
There we are.
686
00:26:29,972 --> 00:26:31,728
- Mrs. Slocombe,
687
00:26:31,728 --> 00:26:32,750
where's your foot?
688
00:26:32,750 --> 00:26:35,639
(audience laughs)
689
00:26:35,639 --> 00:26:37,967
- I've rather lost track
of them, Mr. Humphries.
690
00:26:37,967 --> 00:26:39,116
(audience laughs)
691
00:26:39,116 --> 00:26:42,635
- Try wiggling your right, big toe.
692
00:26:42,635 --> 00:26:43,744
No.
693
00:26:43,744 --> 00:26:45,213
Your left one.
694
00:26:45,213 --> 00:26:46,849
(laughs)
695
00:26:46,849 --> 00:26:48,455
(audience laughs)
696
00:26:48,455 --> 00:26:50,210
You'll have to move it, Mrs. Slocombe.
697
00:26:50,210 --> 00:26:53,043
(audience laughs)
698
00:26:58,022 --> 00:27:00,030
- Are you alright, Mrs. Slocombe?
699
00:27:00,030 --> 00:27:02,302
- Not very, Captain Peacock.
700
00:27:02,302 --> 00:27:03,565
- I'm a bad sailor.
701
00:27:03,565 --> 00:27:06,289
- Well, put it like this,
702
00:27:06,289 --> 00:27:08,125
even when I'm watching...
703
00:27:08,125 --> 00:27:11,042
(audience laughs)
704
00:27:12,410 --> 00:27:15,337
Triangle I have to take seasick pills.
705
00:27:15,337 --> 00:27:17,176
(audience laughs)
706
00:27:17,176 --> 00:27:18,426
- Don't we all.
707
00:27:20,645 --> 00:27:22,645
I think it's going down.
708
00:27:26,463 --> 00:27:28,546
Everybody lie quite still
709
00:27:29,995 --> 00:27:31,995
and breathe very slowly.
710
00:27:33,344 --> 00:27:34,177
In.
711
00:27:35,138 --> 00:27:36,531
Out.
712
00:27:36,531 --> 00:27:37,364
In.
713
00:27:38,496 --> 00:27:39,843
Out.
714
00:27:39,843 --> 00:27:41,523
- Oxford are leading by two lengths.
715
00:27:41,523 --> 00:27:44,433
(audience laughs)
- Be quiet, Mr. Spooner.
716
00:27:44,433 --> 00:27:47,464
- I can't go to sleep with the light on.
717
00:27:47,464 --> 00:27:48,749
- Well, you'll have to,
718
00:27:48,749 --> 00:27:51,573
because my curry won't
stand one more wave.
719
00:27:51,573 --> 00:27:52,838
(audience laughs)
720
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:53,824
- I've got another problem.
721
00:27:53,824 --> 00:27:55,868
I can feel phase two coming on.
722
00:27:55,868 --> 00:27:56,771
- Not the sneezes?
723
00:27:56,771 --> 00:27:58,822
- I'm afraid so.
724
00:27:58,822 --> 00:28:00,669
- I've got an itchy nose and all.
725
00:28:00,669 --> 00:28:02,117
- Funny you should say that--
726
00:28:02,117 --> 00:28:04,771
(sneezes forcefully)
727
00:28:04,771 --> 00:28:07,354
(all sneezing)
728
00:28:09,453 --> 00:28:12,925
(audience applauds)
729
00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:14,948
(registers dinging)
730
00:28:14,948 --> 00:28:15,982
- [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery,
731
00:28:15,982 --> 00:28:18,559
stationery and leather
goods, wigs and haberdashery,
732
00:28:18,559 --> 00:28:21,122
kitchenware and food, going up.
733
00:28:21,122 --> 00:28:23,705
(upbeat music)
734
00:28:25,878 --> 00:28:28,820
First floor telephones,
gents ready-made suits,
735
00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:32,240
shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes, going up.
736
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,823
(upbeat music)
737
00:28:37,514 --> 00:28:40,376
Second floor carpets,
travel goods and bedding,
738
00:28:40,376 --> 00:28:43,848
material, soft furnishings,
restaurant and teas.
739
00:28:43,848 --> 00:28:44,681
Going down!
740
00:28:44,681 --> 00:28:47,264
(upbeat music)
741
00:28:49,177 --> 00:28:52,075
First floor telephones,
gents ready-made suits,
742
00:28:52,075 --> 00:28:56,126
shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes, going up.
743
00:28:56,126 --> 00:28:58,709
(upbeat music)
51493
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