Original subtitles

(cash register ringing)

♫ Ground floor

♫ Perfumery, stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones

(knocking on door)

- Enter.

- Morning, Mr. Rumbold, sir.

Your coffee.

- Why isn't the coffee in the cup?

- The canteen are supplying instant in the packet.

Look, I'll show ya.

There you are.

Now that is the magic powder.

Are you ready to drink it now?

- I will be in the fullness of time.

- I'm sorry, sir, that's not good enough.

You have to be ready to drink it at once.

- Why is that?

- Well, it's instant coffee.

So called because there is only one instance

when it tastes like coffee.

(audience laughing)

And go!

Well, go on, take it all.

Go on, go on, all up, drink it all up, sir.

Oh, that's lovely, sir, go on.

That's it, that's it.

Go right on.

See, see?

Right, now, today is Friday which is payday.

So can I have the money to take down for the staff?

- Ah, now, there's been a change in the payout arrangements.

The money will be brought down by the accounts clerk

in a security dispenser.

- Well, I don't like the sound of that.

I've been doling out the wages in the wire basket for years.

- Yes, but, Mr. Harman, times are changing.

And the insurance company insists

that we use a more modern method.

- Does that mean I've been made redundant?

- Indeed not.

You will accompany the clerk as security escort.

- Yeah, but if I don't take the money,

I mean, I'm being downgraded.

I shall have to report this to my accredited shop steward.

What happens to be me.

(audience laughing)

- Well, pity about that.

There was to have been a bonus of two pounds

that went with the job.

- I'm sorry, sir, I can't stay.

I've gotta go down to the accounts department.

- Thank you for your custom, madam.

- Thank you very much.

- So, anyway, me and Mrs. Axelbidden didn't fancy

going abroad this year.

I mean, Spin's getting so common.

Anybody can go now.

So, anyway, we booked into this holiday camp.

- Aren't you bothered by them young men campers?

- No, not at all.

And it was so hot that we sat in our nightdresses

with the door wide open.

(audience laughing)

And nobody bothered us.

- Well, it sounds a bit boring to me.

- Oh, no, not at all.

There was something going on all the time.

Oh, I laughed.

On Wednesday night, they have this sort of variety concert.

And there was this man that hypnotized people.

- Was he any good?

- Well, he got me up on the stage.

And apparently had me doing all sorts of silly things.

Look, that was taken of me.

- Blimey, you're standing on your head.

- I know! (laughing)

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen that picture.

- Well, it's lucky your seams were straight.

(audience laughing)

- And that's one of me when he had me doing the can-can.

And that's just after at the first aid post.

(audience laughing)

Oh, and all the way through the show,

whenever he snapped his fingers,

all the audience blew a raspberry.

(laughing)

- Mrs. Slocombe. (snapping fingers)

(blowing raspberry) (audience laughing)

(elevator ringing)

(audience laughing)

- Are you being served, sir?

- That's the gentleman I want to see.

- Ah, that's our Mr. Humphries.

- Yes.

- Excuse me, Mr. Humphries.

This gentleman would like to speak to you.

He asked for you personally.

- Thanks.

What can I do for you, sir?

- I'm going to show you something, it's gonna shock you.

(audience laughing)

- Okay.

Guess I'll put me glasses on.

- Are you ready?

- As ready as I shall ever be.

- Here.

(audience laughing)

- What exactly am I supposed to be looking at?

- Well, this sweater.

When I bought it, it came down to there.

Now look where it's gone to.

- Did you wash it yourself?

- Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

And you assured me it was drip dry.

- Are you the drip that dried it?

(audience laughing)

- That'll do, Mr. Lucas.

Did you wash it in lukewarm water, sir?

- Yes.

- Did you use a mild detergent?

- Yes.

- Did you use soft water? - Yes!

- Did you hang it up to dry? - Yes!

(laughing)

- You've obviously not read the label.

This garment is made of pure giraffe wool.

(audience laughing)

- What difference does that make?

- It's exactly the same principal as the cows,

isn't it, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, identical, Mr. Humphries.

- I mean, when it's going to rain, cows lie down.

- So what?

- Well, it's just the same with the giraffe.

I mean, if they stood up and got their skins wet

it would all hang over in folds,

and when they galloped off they'd trip over it.

Now, what I suggest you do is wash it again,

lie it on a towel to dry, in some sunlight,

not before 2:00 in the afternoon,

preferably with a cool, westerly breeze blowing.

If you have any trouble, don't hesitate to bring it back.

Good morning.

(audience laughing)

- Good morning.

- What a salesman you are, Mr. Humphries, sir.

A silver tongue, a golden smile, a warm heart.

You should have a great career

with the right person behind you.

- Do you mind changing places with me?

(audience laughing)

♫ Goin 'round the world

♫ Going for a good time

- Gather around, everybody.

Come on, come on.

Now, as you may have heard,

this is the new security wage dispenser.

Would you perhaps like to explain, Mr. Patel?

- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

Now, you all have identity photographs on your records.

These photographs have been copied and are inside here.

This machine will scan you,

compare you with the identity photograph,

and, if you are, in fact, who you claim to be,

your salary will be duly deposited in the payout tray.

- Why don't it come in a wire basket like it always done?

- Did, Miss Brahms.

- Oh, like it always did done.

(audience laughing)

- Because of the alarming increase in daylight robbery.

- Well, our wages are daylight robbery.

- That will do, Mr. Lucas.

- Now, who is to go first?

- I will go first.

- Thank you, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock is going first.

(employees applauding)

Standby, Mr. Harman.

- Are you ready, Captain Peacock?

- Ready. - Ready, Mr. Patel?

- Absolutely ready.

- I'm pressing the buttons, now.

- Please, do be quite still.

(machine buzzing)

(machine chugging)

The comparing is now going on.

- [Machine] Do not pay out, do not pay out.

(audience laughing)

- You are perhaps wondering why the machine

has not paid out.

- I was wondering why the machine has not paid out,

hey, Mr. Lucas?

- Yes, plus it's been stolen by a dolly.

- I will not look at the identity photograph

to see if there is a reason.

Ah, there we have it.

You see, in the photograph, you are wearing fancy dress.

- I am not in fancy dress.

That photograph was taken

for the Grace Brothers Operatic Society's

much acclaimed production of "The Pirates of Penzance."

I played the part of Frederick.

- Well, that's all right, now.

If you just wear a black patch and something red

on your head, you will get immediately your salary.

- It may surprise you to know

that I do not have my pirate costume with me.

- Oh, here, you can use this for an eye patch.

(audience laughing)

Here, shove that in your mince pie.

- And put these on your head as a red handkerchief.

(audience laughing)

- You think that every time I get my salary

I'm going to parade with a brassiere in my eye,

and a pair of knickers on me head,

you've got another thing coming.

- Now, look, do you want your money or not?

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

- What have you got there, Mr. Goldberg?

- It's a little business I run on the side.

I can't live on the money they pay you here.

So I run a little agency.

- What sort of an agency?

- Oh, it's a first class employment agency.

I find positions for high-class salesmen like yourself.

- Seems to pay off very well.

- I do it very cheap, though.

I only charge the first week's wages.

(counting)

(audience laughing)

130 pounds.

- Who's that from?

- It's from the new head of stationary,

and greetings cards, at Lally and Willets.

And he's only a young man, like yourself.

What do you knock up here?

- I beg your pardon?

(audience laughing)

- What do you earn?

(whispering)

(tsking)

- What a liberty.

Do you know what I could get you at Harrods?

- Tell me.

(whispering)

What, just for selling things?

- People who haven't got what you've got are getting it.

(audience laughing)

- Are they?

Why aren't you getting it?

- Because I haven't got what you've got.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

I don't really like to ask, but what is it I've got

that nobody else has?

- You've got charm, vitality, and personality,

and experience, and youth.

- Oh, that, yes, oh, yes, I've got that.

Well, some of it.

- Now listen.

Don't misunderstand me.

I'm not just touting for business.

I'm not that sort of person at all.

- No, of course not.

- Would you like me to make some inquiries on your behalf?

- As my old choir master used to say,

there's no harm in asking.

(audience laughing)

- Of course not.

When did your choir master say that?

- Shortly after he told me that I've got charm,

vitality, personality, experience, and youth.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'm sure you won't mind

if we make our association, as it were,

on an official basis.

- Any time you'd like.

- Well, if you don't mind, would you...

Sign there.

Thank you.

And there.

Here.

Here.

Here.

And initial there.

And lastly, just there.

Finally, that's it, that's it.

Now, that covers everything.

- Don't I get a copy?

- No, when you signed there,

you agreed not to have a copy of the agreement

But, if you've any queries, just ask.

- Mr. Goldberg, could I have a private word with you

about that matter that we was discussing?

- You may speak freely in front of Mr. Humphries.

I've just undertaken his representation.

- Anything happening?

- Well, I'll tell you, we've got feelers out

at Dorothy Perkins, the head of Ladies Foundations.

And also, a very good response for the position

of head fitter at ATCO.

- ATCO?

They make lawn mowers.

(audience laughing)

- Are they in underwear, as well?

- No, they make lawn mowers.

But the money's very good.

- Oh, I don't think I could do a mechanical job.

One has one's standards, you know?

- It's 200 pounds a week.

- Motor mowers, or push-a-longs?

(audience laughing)

- I bought you a chocolate bitty, Mr. Goldberg.

- [Mr. Goldberg] Oh, thank you, Miss Brahms.

- Now, is there any news?

- I've sent out all your photos with a description

of your experience to date.

The only reply so far is a firm offer in beds.

300 pounds a week.

I turned it down.

- What for?

- Well, the beds was in Cairo,

and you was on sale or return.

- Is Mr. Golbdberg looking out for your interest, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, yeah, I'm having your job when you've gone.

- I should have thought a young man like you

would have set your sights on something higher.

- Oh, I have.

When I tell them who's nicking all the staff

from Grace Brothers, I'll have Mr. Goldberg's job, as well.

- More hot coffee, Mr. Goldberg?

- Oh, thank you, Diana.

Right up to the chip.

- Thanks to you, I start as the Head Tosser

at the Gay Hoosaw Pancake House on Monday.

- You never told me that was going.

- Oh, and there's a phone call for you.

- Oh, thank you, darling. - Don't get up.

- Mandra's bringing it to you, sir.

- Thank you, thank you.

- It's the personnel department of Lally and Willets.

- Oh, thank you, darling.

- And thank you for getting me this job.

- Yeah, it's all right.

- You're a busy little bee, aren't you?

- Hello?

Mac Fifty's Employment Agency here.

Mr. Goldberg speaking.

Oh, hello, Syd.

Now, have you got anything about Mrs. Slocombe?

Oh, you like the sound of Mrs. Slocombe?

So far, good.

- I like the sound of Mrs. Slocombe.

It's the sight of Mrs. Slocombe that's the problem.

(audience laughing)

- I tell you, I tell you, Syd,

she's a very beautiful lady.

Her age?

- 30ish.

(audience laughing)

- Look, it's a senior position, Mrs. Slocombe.

They want someone older than that.

- Well, tell a lie and say 40ish.

- What?

Oh, they want someone who's 50ish.

- Well, go on, now's your chance to tell the truth.

(audience laughing)

- Look, I wouldn't lie to you, Syd.

She'd pass for 50.

What's her what like?

Uh, big.

In fact, very big, indeed.

- Mr. Goldberg, what are you talking about?

- Personality, Mrs. Slocombe.

No, she will not take less than 125, sorry.

So, the ball's in your court.

Oh, Syd, I've just taken on a new client, a Mr. Humphries.

I'm very excited about him.

(audience laughing)

Oh, Syd, he's right up your street.

He has charm, vitality, personality, experience, he's got.

- And youth. - And youth.

- Is he a what?

(laughing)

Well, I don't know, I mean...

Well, uh, I don't think so.

I mean, he's...

Mr. Humphries?

You're not a militant trade unionist, are you?

- With suede shoes?

I'd be laughed off the platform.

- No, that's all right.

Well, if anything comes up, let me know.

Thank you.

So, I've sown the seed.

All we have to do now is wait.

It's time we were getting back.

- That's a nice watch, Mr. Goldberg.

- Yeah, 18 carat.

It was given to me by a very satisfied client.

- Oh, it's got an inscription on it.

"Thanks for everything, I couldn't have done it without you.

"Love, Maggie."

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

(audience applauding)

- Here's your letters, Mr. Grace.

- Thank you.

I haven't got me glasses.

- Oh, oh, well, should I guide your hand, then?

- Yes, you're very good at that, aren't you?

(audience laughing)

- Here we are.

Now, G-R-A-C--

- You don't have to spell it.

- Your new spectacles have arrived

from the optician, Mr. Grace.

I thought you might like to see if they're okay.

Here we are.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, yes, they're a great improvement.

- And these are your new reading glasses.

There.

Here's the mirror.

- We're not having an earthquake or anything, are we?

(audience laughing)

- No, sir.

- Oh, I don't like those.

They make me look like an old poof.

(audience laughing)

- No, they don't, they make you look like Elton John.

- That's no comfort.

- Pay attention, Mr. Grace.

I want to see how much you can read.

- A.

The rest in Polish?

(audience laughing)

Sydney

Bernecco.

- Do concentrate, Mr. Grace.

Now what does it say on the bottom?

(audience laughing)

- Wash by hand in lukewarm water.

- Shall we come back later, sir?

- No, no, no, come on, come in.

- Can we have a word privately, sir?

- Well, now, I've had a good look at that.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it's like this, sir.

During the past week, Captain Peacock has become aware

that a certain member of staff

has been making certain phone calls to a certain store

about certain other members of staff.

As a result of which, we are fairly certain

that certain members of the staff may soon be leaving us.

Mr. Grace?

(audience laughing)

Mr. Grace?

He's gone to sleep.

- I'm not surprised.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace?

Oh, what do we do now?

- When he drops off like that, he's gone for an hour.

- I'll do it for you, sir.

Oh, drat, my suspender's gone again.

- What was that?

(audience laughing)

- Sir, we fear that Mr. Humphries

has been suborned by Mr. Goldberg.

- Well, he's been asking for it, hasn't he?

(audience laughing)

- No, sir, what do you want us to do about it?

- Well, uh, you deal with it, Rumbold.

- The ball seems to have lodged itself firmly

in your court, Mr. Rumbold.

- Yes, bit of a face, though, isn't it?

- It's one of the penalties of being an executive, sir.

- Yes. (laughing)

What would you do in my position?

- Well, I'd consider it from Mr. Grace's standpoint.

He has three courses open to him.

Sack them, wait for them to resign, or pay them more money.

- Oh, I wouldn't do that.

(audience laughing)

- Now, there is one alterative

you haven't thought of, Peacock.

- Yes, sir?

- If I hold my horses and do nothing, it may all blow over.

- If I may say so, sir,

it takes an executive of your caliber

to think of a solution like that.

- Thank you, Peacock.

(cash register ringing)

- Oh, excellent.

Thank you very much, thank you.

It's fixed. - What's happened?

(telephone ringing)

- Ladies wear.

- Could I speak to Mrs. Slocombe, please?

- Whom's calling?

- Mac Fifty Agency here.

- Oh, here, your agent's on the blower.

- Thank you, Miss Brahms.

Mrs. Slocombe.

- It's fixed.

- It's fixed, me new job!

What is it?

- Would you come to my office immediately, please?

- Of course, Mr. Goldberg.

- Now, do you mind telling me what's going on?

'Cause I can't stand secrets, can I, Mr. Lucas?

- No, you can't, Mr. Humphries,

that's why you didn't become a Freemason, isn't it?

(audience laughing)

- Well, one of the reasons.

- I'll put you both in the picture.

You're both going to Lally and Willets.

- Oh, isn't that exciting?

- And you, Mr. Humphries, are to be the new manager

of the unisex clothing department.

- That should confuse you, Mr. Humphries.

(audience laughing)

- It will, Mr. Lucas.

- And you, Mrs. Slocombe, are to take charge

of the Pussy Shampoo Parlor.

(audience laughing)

- I'll be in seventh heaven.

- It could be the highlight of your career, Mrs. Slocombe.

Head moggy washer.

(audience laughing)

- And your salary will be (whispering).

- No!

- What about mine?

A month? - No, a week.

- (gasping) Madam, we better resign.

- The better the day, the better the deed.

- No, no, no, hold it, hold it.

You're forgetting the severance pay.

If you resign now, it'll be trivial.

No, you've got to make them sack you,

then we can take them to the Industrial Tribunal

for wrongful dismissal.

Then we make a settlement.

- We?

- Clause 10.

- Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms.

Would you please return to your counter?

Can't you see that Mrs. Maxwell is there,

and she's the wife of one of our directors.

- So she is.

Well, I promise you, she will get the service she deserves.

- If you want a sack,

all you gotta do is be rude to Captain Peacock.

- What a good idea.

- Mr. Humphries, tidy that counter.

(audience laughing)

- There's just one thing

I want you to know, Captain Peacock.

- And what is that, Mr. Humphries?

- I'm just going to tidy my counter.

(audience laughing)

- Here we go.

Were you requiring assistance, madam?

- Oh, yes, I just bought that skirt back.

When you get it in daylight, the color is absolutely foul.

It's far too expensive, and it rides up when I sit down.

- Well, the color goes with your blotchy complexion.

(audience laughing)

And it's too expensive because you're a mean old bag.

(audience laughing)

And it rides up when you sit down

because you've got a great, big, fat bum.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Do you mean to say, Mrs. Slocombe,

that you don't deny any of these words?

- Not one syllable.

- She said it all, and that's the truth.

- Thank you, Miss Brahms.

- Extraordinary.

Well, we will now pass on to Mr. Humphries.

According to Captain Peacock, you served

the Honorable Lavinia Effingham Foxworth,

two small F's,

who is also one of our most important customers.

- That's right, Mr. Rumbold.

- I will now ask Captain Peacock to repeat the remarks

he overheard you make to her.

- On approaching the customer,

Mr. Humphries was heard to say,

"Hello, dolly, baby, you've got the best pair of boobs

"I've seen since

"The Confessions of Swedish Emmanuel's Window Cleaner."

- Did you say those words?

- I did, Mr. Rumbold. - I heard him.

- Everything Captain Peacock says is true.

And he winked, as well.

- I did, like that.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Humphries, I'm surprised you even saw such a film.

- I was under therapy at the time.

- Yes, um, he then said, "How about meeting me in the park

"behind the bandstand, and we'll pitch a little woo."

- Pitch a little woo?

But what film did that come from?

- "Gold Diggers of 1938."

- This is the most extraordinary set of circumstances.

- Are you going to sack us?

- In your case, Mrs. Slocombe, I have a letter here

from Mrs. Maxwell, who, as you probably know,

is a leading member of Morning Glory,

a religious sect that requires

of its followers absolute honesty.

You, apparently, are the first truly honest person

she's ever met, as a result of which,

she's sent you these two tickets for their next meeting.

(audience laughing)

- You've got to sack me.

I mean, you can't have people walking about

saying the things I said.

- What do you mean?

I've been doing it for years.

- But, it would be rather difficult, Mr. Humphries,

in view of this note from the lady in question.

"Tell Humphries 5:30 behind the bandstand,

"and I'll take all the woo he can pitch."

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

- Well, I'm sorry, Syd,

but Grace Brothers here got wind of your offer.

With the result, they gave new contract

for Mrs. Slocombe and Mr. Humphries.

Yeah, well I got a bit of a rocket

from the management here for being behind it all.

But, I had a chat with them, and made them see sense.

Oh, by the way, have you got anything for an ex-army captain

and a chief executive with big ears?

Well, let me know, thank you.

(telephone clattering)

Well, did you sign the contract?

- Not only that, we've got our new wage packets.

- 50% raise. - Good, I'll have those.

- What do you mean?

- Well, that was the arrangement.

According to the contract, the first week's wages I get.

There you are, it's on page four, there it is, PJ.

It says, in the contract.

- I'll deal with that.

(paper tearing)

- What are you, what are you doing?

You can't do that.

- Sue us.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Look at that, that's typical, isn't it?

- Yes, you try to do a good deal for them,

and they swindle you, don't they, Mr. Goldberg?

- They do, Mr. Lucas.

- Shall we go to have a drink

to celebrate before we go home?

- I'd love to, Mrs. Slocombe.

But I've got to rush off.

I've got an appointment at half past 5:00.

- Behind the bandstand?

- Mrs. Slocombe, I don't pitch my woo in public.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

♫ Ground floor

♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor

♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, socks

♫ Ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor

♫ Carpets, travel goods, and bedding, materials,

♫ Soft furnishings, restaurants, and food

♫ Going down

♫ First floor

♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, socks

♫ Ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

(audience applauding)