Original subtitles

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdahsery, kitchenware, and food, going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes, going up

- Good morning, sir.

Are you being served, or are you just looking?

- I am looking for someone to serve me.

- Ah, well, in that case, I'm free.

What's it to be?

Jacket, trousers, or a new wooly pully?

- I bought these socks last week,

and they've only been washed once, and look.

(audience laughs)

They're supposed to be non-shrink.

- Ah, yes.

I see what the trouble is, sir.

They're pure wool, you see.

Now very often pure wool socks

are made from two different herds.

I mean, you might get one herd

come from the Shetlands, the other down in Cornwall.

(audience laughs)

Now the Shetland lot won't shrink

because they're standing in the rain all day.

(audience laughs)

So this must be the Cornish sock,

and that's the Shetland one.

(audience laughs)

- Well, what are you gonna do about it?

- I shall get in touch with the Cornish farmer

and get his sheep sent up to Shetland.

(audience laughs)

- I want my money back.

- Yes.

Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- I am free.

(audience laughs)

- This gentleman wants his money back

on account of the fact that his socks

have shrunk in the wash.

- I see.

Did you wash them yourself, sir,

or did your wife wash them?

- I live alone.

- Oh, I see.

(audience laughs)

What did you wash them in?

- In the bath.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I mean what did you use to wash them with?

- Well, water.

(Humphries laughs)

- You can go to coffee if you like, Mr. Lucas,

this is going to take some time.

- It's okay.

This case has my full attention.

- Was it hot water, sir?

- Well, of course it was.

- (laughs) Well, you see, it should have been luke.

It says so on the instructions, "luke."

(audience laughs)

- I can't read that.

It's too small.

- Of course it is, it shrunk.

(audience laughs)

- I want my money back.

- Yes, well, our senior assistant, Mr. Goldberg,

will have to make that decision.

Mr. Goldberg, are you free?

- At the moment, Mr. Humphries, yes.

- This customer of Mr. Lucas has failed

to follow the washing instructions on the sock,

and it shrunk, and he would like his money back.

What is your decision, Mr. Goldberg?

Mr. Goldberg always makes these decisions.

- We must give the customer his money back, Mr. Humphries.

- Gladly, Mr. Goldberg.

- On one sock.

(audience laughs)

- And if you're not satisfied with the goods,

bring them back with the receipt

and ask for your money back.

You won't get it, but you can ask for it.

(audience laughs)

Now, what's this big news you had to tell me?

- Today is a very special day.

- And what's so special about today?

- Today's the day my pussy comes of age.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, you mean it's 21 years since you first had it?

- No.

(audience laughs)

It's three years since I first had her.

You see, in cat life, one year counts as seven,

so that means she's 21 today.

- Oh, are you going to give her the key of the door?

- No, anyway, she doesn't need it.

She's got a little flap.

(audience laughs)

Do you want to see what I've got for her?

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, a leg of southern-fried chicken.

And a mink collar with a little bell.

- (gasps) Is that real mink?

- Oh, of course, I wouldn't give her imitation.

That's made of cat.

(audience laughs)

And a record of Lena Zavaroni.

- Ooh, is that her favorite?

- No, but it's the only way I can

get her to go out when it's raining.

(audience laughs)

And something she's been looking forward to for ages.

A clockwork mouse.

- Ooh, let's see it go!

- Well, where's Captain Peacock?

- Oh, he's not here yet.

- Alright.

(laughs) Look, it's sweet.

Oh!

Oh, dash.

Oh, where's it gone?

- I can't see it.

- Well, listen, and we might be able

to hear the clockwork.

- Ooh, it's like Peter Pan and the crocodile.

(audience laughs)

- Just shh!

(bell dings)

- So anyway, I stuffed a pineapple in the hole, you see,

and I said give me a ring tomorrow

and let me know if it's stopped.

Well (screams)

(audience laughs)

- What on earth are you doing, Mr. Humphries?

- There's a mouse round my drawers.

(audience laughs)

- Here it is, eh, it's clockwork.

- Is this another of your jokes, Mr. Lucas?

- Not guilty, Captain Peacock.

- I am in no mood for practical jokes.

Now, what idiot released this mouse on the floor?

(audience laughs)

I shall count to 10, and if no one owns up,

we shall remain behind after the store closes

until this matter is resolved.

One, two, three.

- Own up or I'll tell on ya.

- You wouldn't do that.

- Yes, I would, I've got a date tonight.

- Sneak.

- Get your hand up.

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Slocombe, am I to understand

that you are the miscreant?

- The what?

- The person who released this object?

- Well, yes.

- I don't want any excuses.

I shall confiscate this.

If you wish to retrieve it, you will

find it in Mr. Rumbold's office.

There's been far too much laxity on the floor of late.

You're all getting very sloppy.

- Captain Peacock.

I've been over 40 years in various retail outlets,

and I've never been called sloppy.

- An egg stain on the tie.

- What?

- Three waistcoat buttons undone.

A frayed cuff.

I call that sloppy!

- Mr. Goldberg, I've never heard a senior assistant

spoken to like that in my life.

- Have I got egg stain on my tie?

- Not a big one.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I have to have these three buttons

undone on my waistcoat, otherwise I can't breathe.

- What about the frayed cuff?

- Well, Mrs. Goldberg was going to turn it.

Oh, dear, she has.

- I've never known him go on like that.

I think there's something wrong with him.

- Perhaps he's had another row with Mrs. Peacock.

You know, like last time when she threw

the custard all over him and made him

sleep in the spare room for a week.

- Yeah, well, if I was married to Mrs. Peacock,

I'd sleep in the spare room all the time.

(audience laughs)

- He's definitely not well.

His nostrils are all drawn.

- Is that bad?

- Well, our milkman's horse had drawn nostrils.

(audience laughs)

Do you know, one morning, it dropped dead in the shafts.

- You're not suggesting that's going to happen

to Captain Peacock, are you?

- Let me put it this way, if he delivered my milk,

I'd order an extra three pints.

(audience laughs)

- I can reassure you it's not as serious as that.

- How do you know what it is?

- I just do.

I was told in the strictest confidence yesterday.

- Well, you can tell us in the strictest confidence today.

- Look, it's a very delicate matter.

- Mr. Goldberg, anyone who knows me

will tell you that I am not a gossip.

It'll go no further.

(audience laughs)

- But I did give my word.

- He made you work very small over those frayed cuffs.

- True.

- And it was very unnecessary to mention that egg stain.

- I'd forgotten about that.

Well, apparently, he went down to see

Mr. Franco in the sports department.

He wanted some jogging shorts.

You know how vain he is.

Well, he wouldn't be satisfied

until he tried three lots of shorts.

But then during the process,

Mr. Franco noticed he had a boil.

(audience laughs)

A very large boil.

- Where?

(Lucas laughs)

(audience laughs)

(Lucas laughs)

(Humphries laughs)

- Where is it?

You can tell me.

Tell me!

(Mrs. Slocombe laughs) (audience laughs)

The poor man.

- Don't keep it to yourselves, tell me.

I didn't notice a boil on his thumb.

(audience laughs)

- Not on his thumb.

(Miss Brahms laughs)

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

- Well, I think Captain Peacock's gone mad.

I mean, just because I used a felt tip pen

on me bill pad instead of a biro,

he went all up, uh, what do you call it

when they go all red and swell up and their eyes pop out?

- Apoplectic.

- [Miss Brahms] Yes.

(audience laughs)

- Well, all I did was use the wrong finger

to ring up the til, and I got a no sale.

- Which finger did you use?

- It's immaterial, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughs)

When he saw that little red flag,

he came charging over to me.

He went mad for about five minutes.

I thought the veins in his neck were going to burst.

They were standing out like Spaghetti Junction.

(audience laughs)

- Mind you, having a boil where he's got one,

well, it must be painful.

- I'm sure we all feel for him.

- You speak for yourself.

This is justice. (audience laughs)

He's been rotten to me ever since I came here,

and I've had to take it sitting down.

- Well, now you've got your revenge,

because he can't take anything sitting down.

(all laugh) (audience laughs)

- Please, please, shh, shh.

Keep your voices down.

Shh!

You don't want this thing to spread.

- Why, is it catching?

(all laugh) (audience laughs)

- Look, will you listen, I told you

in the strictest confidence.

Now, please, people can be very sensitive about boils.

So I must ask you, even for my own sake,

don't mention anything about it while he's here.

- I won't say a word.

I wouldn't be that cheeky.

(all laugh) (audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- What you got there, Captain Peacock?

- A cup of tea.

- No, I meant that thing on your arm.

- Oh, this?

Yes, yes, it's a rubber ring.

The medical department have had a lot of complaints

recently about the poor quality of rubber,

and I volunteered to test it for a few days.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Well, if you're gonna test it,

you want to treat it a bit rougher than that, you know.

You want to bounce up and down a bit.

(audience laughs)

- That will come later.

I must say that any resemblance

between that and tea is purely coincidental.

- That's because they never bring the water to the boil.

(all laugh) (audience laughs)

- Seems to be a lot of hilarity this morning.

I suppose, as usual, I shall be

the last one to know what caused it.

(audience laughs)

Just because I'm reading the paper,

it doesn't mean that everybody has to stop talking.

(all talking over each other)

- [Lucas] No, I was talking about Mr. Humphries not talking.

- Oh, yeah, we've had a good amiable chat.

There's a very good article in that paper

about the, uh, the, uh, great train robbery.

- Oh, yes, I was reading about it in the bus.

- Standing up?

- Yes, it was full as usual.

It's my theory that most of the money

finished up in South America.

- Yes, I doubt if they'll ever get to the bottom of it.

(all laugh) (audience laughs)

- Oh, I expect they will in the end.

(all laugh) (audience laughs)

- You know, don't you?

No use trying to hide your sniggering, Miss Brahms.

You know, don't you?

- Know what, Captain Peacock?

(audience laughs)

- About my, my misfortune?

How did you find out?

- Somebody told me.

(audience laughs)

- Who?

- Mr. Slocombe.

(audience laughs)

- I see.

Who told you, Mrs. Slocombe?

- I'm not one to tell tales.

However, since we're all sneaking today, Mr. Lucas.

- I knew Mr. Lucas would be in this thing somewhere.

Who told you?

- Wild horses wouldn't drag that information

from my lips, Captain Peacock, but I will point.

(audience laughs)

- I'm surprised at you, Mr. Goldberg.

I'm surprised at all of you.

Hitherto I have regarded you as my friends.

- I'm sure I speak for everybody here that, uh,

I'm very sorry to have caused you such distress.

- What I want to know now, Mr. Goldberg, is who told you?

- Well, I was told in the strictest confidence,

and I can assure you it'll go no further.

Your secret is safe with us on the third floor.

- Hello, Captain Peacock.

They're all asking after you in the packing department.

(audience laughs)

How's the boil on your bum?

(all laugh) (audience laughs)

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

- Sorry I was delayed.

Now then, what's all this about, Peacock?

- Well, sir, this is a matter of some delicacy.

I am suffering from a minor but painful indisposition.

- Oh, do you mean the boil I heard about

in the lift this morning?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, sir.

I have a complaint.

- Yes, a very nasty one, too, I should think.

- No, sir.

I wish to complain.

I've been made a laughingstock throughout the store.

Owing to a grave breach of confidence

by a member of another department,

to wit, Mr. Franco of sports.

- Come to the point, Peacock.

- It all occurred in the fitting room.

Everyone knows that the first rule of sales etiquette

is that what one sees in the fitting room

is in the strictest confidence.

- That's very true.

- While I was trying on a pair of jogging shorts,

Mr. Franco became acquainted with my affliction

and bandied it about the store.

- Yeah.

Well, obviously I thought you had

released the news yourself.

- I mean, it wouldn't be so bad

if it was just us, but when it gets down

to the packing department, that's too much.

- Oh, I feel most strongly that Mr. Franco

should be reprimanded through official channels

and should make a proper apology.

- I think he should write it out

and put it up on the staff notice board.

(audience laughs)

- I don't think I'll ask him to go that far.

- No, there might be one or two people

who haven't heard yet.

(audience laughs)

- My first instinct was to go and punch him on the nose,

but because this whole affair brings Grace Brothers

into disrepute, I feel it proper

to go through official channels.

- I quite agree.

I shall phone Mr. Franco at once.

- [Peacock] Thank you, sir.

- I mean, I wouldn't have dreamt of passing it on

had I known that the information

was obtained in the fitting room.

- Yeah, we never said anything about

that big blonde that came in with

the limerick tattooed on her.

- What was that?

- Um, there once was a couple of rockers,

went out with a bird with big--

- That'll do, Miss Brahms. (audience laughs)

- Ah, Mr. Franco?

Rumbold here, third floor.

I have Captain Peacock here with me.

Oh, you heard?

Yes, well, he feels that you owe him an apology.

(Franco laughing)

I don't think you should take that line.

He feels very strongly about it.

His first instinct was to come down and punch you

on the nose, and he is quite capable of it.

- In passing, you might mention that I was

the World to Weight runner up for the RESC at Mersa Matruh.

(audience laughs)

- He was the World to Weight champion of Mersa Matruh.

I assure you, he is not bluffing.

Look, he comes from a background where a gentleman

takes a person like you down to the gym,

puts on the gloves, and gives you a damn good hiding.

Oh, I see.

He accepts the challenge then.

(audience laughs)

Yes, well, five rounds, that's okay with us, yeah.

He'll go 10 if you like.

Right, very well, then, Saturday afternoon, three o'clock.

- You...

(Peacock cries out)

(audience laughs)

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Ooh, he's flexing his muscles.

Ooh, isn't he marvelous?

I'm gonna ask him to sign this bill.

Captain Peacock?

- Hey!

(audience laughs)

- Are you free?

- At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Would you sign this bill for me?

- But it's blank.

You haven't sold anything.

- I know.

I just wanted your autograph.

We'd like you to know that we in the

ladies department are very proud of you.

We think what you're doing is marvelous.

Me and Miss Brahms are seeing you

from quite a different angle.

And what we say is if a man can't stick up

for his honor, what can he stick up for?

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Look at him, he's basking in it.

- Well, if I was in his position,

I'd like to think that I'd do the same thing.

I wouldn't, but I'd like to think I would.

(audience laughs)

- You know, I used to get into

a lot of scraps when I was a lad.

I was known as Gruesome Goldberg,

the Goldest Green Gorilla.

(bell dings)

(audience laughs)

- Oi, oi, you're doing alright, aren't ya?

- Well, they do seem to admire a man

who sticks to his principles.

- Oh, they admire you, and they're very sorry for ya.

Like they admired the Light Brigade.

Only a handful got through, but they admired them.

- Mr. Harman, what are you trying to say?

- Word has it that Mr. Franco is very handy

with his dukes, and when he was

in the navy, he boxed for his ship.

- Torpedo boat?

- Aircraft carrier.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Harman, don't come on the floor

in your overalls during working hours.

- In that case, I won't tell you about his secret weapon.

- What secret weapon?

- He's got a killer punch in both hands.

(audience laughs)

(staff applauding)

- May I use your phone, Mr. Goldberg?

- I'd be most honored, champ.

- I'll get the number for you, Captain Peacock.

I'm mad about his aftershave.

- He probably splashes it all over.

(audience laughs)

- Who do you want?

- Oh, Mr. Grace.

A rather worrying thought has struck me.

I hadn't obtained Mr. Grace's permission,

and he may, of course, not allow the fight to proceed.

- It's going to take place on Saturday afternoon.

He won't know about it.

- And we won't say anything.

- No, but as a matter of principle,

I feel I ought to tell him.

(audience laughs)

- I can only see a bit of the pink from here.

(audience laughs)

- I can see quite a lot from here.

(audience laughs)

- You're not going to make me rash it?

- No, no, take all the time in the world.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, uh, excuse me, Mr. Grace,

but Captain Peacock's on the phone for you.

- Hello, Peacock.

- [Peacock] Hello, sir.

- What's all this I hear about you

having a punch-up on Saturday?

- Oh, you've heard about it, sir?

Well, I thought it only right to consult you,

because I felt that you may wish to ban it?

- Ban it?

I'm looking forward to it.

I've got a fiver on it.

- Oh, I hope I don't let you down, sir.

- Not on you, on the other fellow.

(audience laughs)

He did very well in the interstall finals.

Knocked out the heavyweight from mother care.

(Peacock groans) (audience laughs)

Peacock? Hello, Peacock?

Peacock?

(rhythmic cash register dinging)

- Come on, Miss Brahms, let's get a good ringside seat.

- Well, where are the others?

- [Mrs. Slocombe] Ooh, I don't know.

They'll be coming.

(Lucas gargles)

- That works.

(audience laughs)

- Where's Captain Peacock?

Is he still in the fitting room?

- Hasn't arrived at the fitting room yet.

- We haven't seen him since Friday night.

(bell dings)

- I'm sorry I'm late.

- Oh, my hero, I knew you wouldn't let us down.

- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

Of course I wouldn't let you down.

Normally.

- What?

- Well, as a precaution, I went to the doctor

for a final checkup, and before I knew

what was happening, he'd injected me with some antibiotics.

- What difference does that make?

- To my dismay, the doctor pointed out that after

taking antibiotics, one mustn't drink, or box.

(audience laughs)

- My doctor's never told me that.

- Bet in your case he thought it wouldn't apply.

- Does this mean you can't fight, Peacock?

- In a word, I'm afraid so.

- But the honor of the whole department's at stake.

I mean, I accepted the challenge.

- Alright, then, you go and fight him.

- Well, well, I can't fight, you see,

because I wear glasses.

- Well, take 'em off.

- If I do that, I can't see.

- Well, I hope somebody's going to fight him.

I haven't given up my afternoon's bingo to see

a lot of lily-livered fairies making excuses.

(audience laughs)

- I would willingly step into the breach

if you think a man with one lung and a truss

would be a (drowned out by laughter).

(audience laughs)

- No, no, no.

We've got a couple younger than you.

- Yeah, but not in such good condition.

(audience laughs)

- You're always talking big, now's your chance

to show how big you are.

- I would, were it not for the fact

that my poor old mother, for whom the slightest excitement

could prove fatal, made me join this religious sect.

- Yeah, it's called Cowards Anonymous.

(audience laughs)

- Very nearly right.

Only the other night I went to the meeting,

and I rolled up me left trouser leg,

and holding a dead chicken in me outstretched hand,

I swore before the iron lama that I would

do no violence to any living thing,

animal, vegetable, or insect.

Unfortunately, I ate a lettuce leaf with a caterpillar

on it, and I'm still doing penance.

(audience laughs)

- What about you, Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, I've never boxed in my life.

Now, wrestling, now that's another matter.

(audience laughs)

- I wouldn't have thought you were the wrestling sort.

- I was known as Hugger Humphries.

(audience laughs)

They had to pull me off people.

I was the catch-as-catch-can champion

of the Barleymoore Road Mixed Infants.

(audience laughs)

- Well, it's all down to Miss Brahms or Mrs. Slocombe,

and my money's on the heavyweight.

- Weak as water!

If I was a man, I'd be in there.

- You shouldn't have shaved your

mustache off, then, should you?

(audience laughs)

- We shall just have to postpone the match

until Captain Peacock is better.

- I, I may be on antibiotics for life.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Well, uh, nice to see you, Mr. Franco,

but I'm afraid we have some bad news.

- I think you ought to hear our bad news first.

Due to the size of Mr. Franco's hands,

the sports department can't get a pair of gloves to fit him.

- Ah, chickening out, eh?

- I'm not chickening out.

I can beat you with my own hands.

- Do you mean wrestling?

- Anything you like.

- How about catch-as-catch-can?

- That's my favorite.

(audience laughs)

- [Peacock] Unfortunately, I'm only a boxing man.

(audience laughs)

- [Franco] Chickening out, are you?

- [Peacock] Certainly not.

Mr. Humphries!

- I'm not free!

- [Peacock] Oh, yes, you are!

Get him! (audience laughs)

- You can't come in here.

This is the ladies fitting room.

(cries out) No, put me down!

No, please! No, put me down!

- Take your trousers off.

- Ooh!

I never thought those words

could cause such mixed emotions.

(audience laughs)

Take your hands off me.

I thought you weren't supposed to

harm anything animal, vegetable, or insect?

- I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.

(audience laughs)

- No! Get away!

I've never seen anything like this since Emmanuel II.

- [Mrs. Slocombe] Take him out.

Take his things off.

- [Humprhies] Ow! You very nearly did.

(Humphries cries out)

(audience laughs)

- Ladies and gentlemen, on the right,

Mr. Franco from sports equipment.

- [Blue Side] Hooray!

- [Red Side] Boo!

- On my left, Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries

of gents ready made.

- [All] Yay!

- This is a three-round contest.

Two falls, or a submission, to decide the winner.

Or the first of the two gentlemen to run away.

(audience laughs)

Now I want no unnecessary gouging or kicking

with the point of the toe.

- Oh, no.

- No, not yet, sir.

I've never seen anybody so keen.

(audience laughs)

Right, any questions?

- Yes, did you get that ribbon from haberdashery?

(audience laughs)

- Watch it, twinkle toes.

- Right, go to your corners and come out

fighting when I ring the bell.

- Now remember, Mr. Humphries, you are

standing up for the honor of the whole department.

- Well, you tell my legs that.

(bell rings)

- [Mr. Harman] Round one!

(audience laughs)

- Are you listening?

- I haven't got much choice, have I?

(audience laughs)

- You got any grudge against me?

- Well, of course not.

I'm sure under other circumstances

we could get on quite well.

Ow!

- In that case, all we gotta do is make it look good.

- I'm entirely in your hands.

(onlookers clamoring)

- Here, have you ever seen a flying cross bottom?

- Not for a couple of weeks, no.

(audience laughs)

- First thing we gotta do is whirl you

around my shoulders and slam you onto the floor.

They call it a propeller.

- What am I going to do?

- You're going to do an agonizing yell.

- Ohh, I think I can manage that.

Oh!

(onlookers cheering)

- He's giving him a flying propeller!

- [Mr. Harman] Not yet!

- I'll be the judge of that!

(onlookers clamoring)

(Humphries cries out)

That was a good yell.

I think you've done this game before.

- Not with so many people watching.

(audience laughs)

- Now, now I'm gonna show you Patagonian nose hold.

- Oh.

- It looks absolutely ghastly.

- Isn't it time I got you into something?

- No, no, they've gotta hate me first,

and then when you get your revenge,

they're gonna love you, so here we go.

Don't forget to yell.

- I won't. Ah!

- Oh, he's giving him a Patagonian nose hold.

- They are, they're hating me now.

- Yeah? I'm not so keen on you meself.

(onlookers booing)

- I just remembered.

- What?

- A Brazilian elbow jab.

- Oh, that will be nice.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

- What's he doing?

He's killing him!

- He's giving him a Brazilian elbow jab!

(onlookers clamoring)

That's it, I've seen enough.

- Are you going home?

- No, I'm going in!

(audience laughs and applauds)

You great bully, why don't you

pick on somebody your own size?

(audience cheers and applauds)

- The winner (mumbles), Mrs. Slocombe!

(audience applauding)

Which just goes to show, when a woman

has a bee in her bonnet, we'd better behave.

- Or, to put it another way, Mr. Harman,

when a man has a boil on his bum, he'd better belt up.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs, haberdashery, kitchenware, and food, going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishings, restaurants, and ties