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1
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,507
Stan, I was cleaning
your study
2
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,642
and found something
we need to discuss.
3
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,811
Not my journal!
How dare you?!
4
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,413
Those are
my most private thoughts!
5
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:13,981
Okay, I confess.
6
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,085
Every entry was plagiarized
from "The Diary of Anne Frank."
7
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,552
I was staring
at that blank page,
8
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:19,853
and I couldn't
think of a damn thing.
9
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:22,690
I'm blocked, Francine.
I don't have it anymore.
10
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,325
[ Crying ]
Maybe I never did!
11
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,759
What? No!
12
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:28,229
I found the events calendar
for Steve's school.
13
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,064
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
I forgot all about that
14
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,833
because I-I've just been
flowing on my journal.
15
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:36,070
Well, they're having an assembly
to promote abstinence.
16
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,872
Shouldn't they be learning
about safe sex?
17
00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:40,774
Have you given
Steve the talk?
18
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:42,843
Steve doesn't need the talk.
He's not ready.
19
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,280
Let's not tarnish the innocence
of Daddy's sexless little boy.
20
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,749
Sexless?!
Look at him!
21
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,918
[ Moaning ]
22
00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:52,886
Ohh. [ Chuckles ]
23
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,356
Mmm. Mmm.
24
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,092
Whoa! Taking control!
25
00:00:58,126 --> 00:00:59,393
Rawr!
26
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:02,096
He's playing a harmless game
of Quidditch.
27
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,631
From "Harry Potter"?
28
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,600
The kid wizard with two friends
and, like, tons of problems?
29
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,736
Steve: Dang, girl!
You a freak!
30
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,471
[ Moaning ]
31
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,642
I'm not fully versed
on the rules of Quidditch,
32
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,478
but I think
that's worth three points.
33
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,117
* Good morning, U.S.A.
34
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:26,787
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *
35
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,790
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *
36
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:33,661
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *
37
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:39,167
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
38
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,969
* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.
39
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:43,003
Aah!
40
00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:47,508
* Good morning, U.S.A.
41
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:50,244
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
42
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,613
* Stop, drop
43
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:55,283
* Shut your legs,
cover your slot *
44
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,685
* Whoa, oh
45
00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,854
* That's how us virgins roll
46
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,291
Well, I'm certainly
feeling turnt --
47
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,025
away from sex!
48
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,528
This next sketch shows us
how to stand up to someone
49
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:09,830
that bullies you
for choosing abstinence.
50
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,200
Now, who'd like to volunteer
to play our virgin?
51
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:15,002
[ Chuckling ]
Yeah. Can I volunteer to get punched in the dick?
52
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,770
What sucker's
gonna go for --
53
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:17,605
Aah!
54
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,207
I got a virgin for ya!
55
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,542
[ Laughter ]
Yeah! Mertz! Get him!
56
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,177
Why aren't you
stopping this?!
57
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:26,880
'Cause I'm the straw
that stirs the drink, biotch.
58
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,216
Whoo-hoo!
59
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:32,486
Hi, Carl. Just gonna squeeze in
a quick cry before Algebra.
60
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,721
You know the rules.
61
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,390
Just don't look inside
my black, metal trunk.
62
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,227
Steve!
Oh, hey.
63
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,728
I wanted to
introduce myself
64
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,363
and say how great
you did onstage.
65
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:45,699
I thought it was really brave
how you stood your ground,
66
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,968
silently crying
when Mertz pantsed you.
67
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,204
Then how you courageously
called out the names
68
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,740
of other virgins
Mertz could pick on instead --
69
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,342
until Principal Lewis
came up
70
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,710
and mimed ejaculating yogurt
all over you.
71
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,912
And still, you did nothing --
absolutely nothing.
72
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,481
Weren't you
about to say your name?!
73
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,982
I'm Shannon.
74
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,884
I was wondering if you'd
like to join our purity group.
75
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,853
We've been looking to modernize
by adding a boy,
76
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,722
and it's obvious
you're a committed virgin.
77
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,190
What's a purity group?
78
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,726
Really? We just had, like,
a whole assembly --
79
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,027
Never mind.
[ Chuckles ]
80
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,663
Uh, a group of us
pledged to abstain
81
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,332
from any sexual activity
until marriage.
82
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,568
Purposefully?
Yeah!
83
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,069
When you're not
worrying about sex,
84
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,238
there's time for all kinds
of fun stuff.
85
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,741
I-It's nerdy, but I'm writing
a play based on Deathstroke.
86
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,877
The supervillain
from DC Comics?
87
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,612
You know,
he prefers to go by...
88
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,880
Both:
...Deathstroke the Terminator,
89
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,615
although his real name
is Slade Wilson.
90
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:36,083
And don't forget
about those...
91
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,852
...haunting
Vietnam flashbacks!
92
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,920
Or that he...
93
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,423
...murdered
his first son!
94
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,758
[ Both laugh ]
95
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,529
Uh, eh, anyway...
[ Chuckles ]
96
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,763
...we're all meeting
tonight.
97
00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,465
Hope you can make it.
98
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,967
[ Sniffs deeply ]
99
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:59,507
I...run...this...city!
100
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:08,616
**
101
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:18,592
**
102
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,264
[ Cheering ]
103
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:30,738
**
104
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:34,808
This is the best place
in the woooorld!
105
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:37,578
I'm never going hoooome!
106
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:38,612
[ Click ]
107
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:39,813
Damn it.
We came home.
108
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,849
We spent 12 days
at that slide,
109
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,317
and it never got old.
110
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,919
I'm already starting to forget
how awesome it felt.
111
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,121
The anticipation
climbing the ladder.
112
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:51,124
The butterflies in your stomach
right before your turn.
113
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:54,828
The permanent layer of moisture
on every restroom toilet seat.
114
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,697
Together:
Yes, yes! Yeah! That!
115
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,766
But we left
those feelings behind
116
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,702
at the Coors Light Water Kingdom
in Oxford, Ohio.
117
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,203
What if we could
get them back?
118
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,773
Look, we have a pool. How hard
can it be to build a slide?
119
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,941
You ever slipped
on a wet spot? Yeah.
120
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,878
Then you've already
built a slide.
121
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:11,712
I'm...sorry?
122
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,615
We're building
a sliiiiide!
123
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,183
"Me wake up.
124
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,018
Francine there.
125
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,286
I do shower."
126
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,554
Damn it!
127
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,122
Journals is hard!
128
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,726
Stan, this is the eighth broom
we've gone through this month.
129
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,195
You have to have
the talk with Steve!
130
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,129
I know.
131
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,864
Then why
don't you do it?!
132
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,133
Because I'm afraid I'll do it
wrong and screw him up.
133
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,568
That's what happened
to me.
134
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,036
What are you
talking about?
135
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,138
[ Sighs ]
I've...never told you
136
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,374
about the time
my dad gave me the talk.
137
00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:41,842
[ Harp plays ]
138
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,811
Although, technically,
it was more of a "watch."
139
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:47,881
Jack: Yeah.
Here's a little number I call the Chattanooga Wheelbarrow.
140
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,483
Might want to put on
your poncho, son.
141
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,051
You're in the splash zone!
142
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,521
Hey, you got that 5 bucks
your mom gave you for candy?
143
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:54,722
Fork it over.
144
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,557
Woman:
You're spoilin' me, Jack!
145
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,759
It ain't for you,
you silly hooker!
146
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,728
This here's
a smash-and-dash.
147
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,696
Now, Stan,
I hope you're taking notes,
148
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:03,997
'cause this is how I --
149
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,266
Ooh! Ooh, Christ!
Oh! Oh!
150
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,701
Looks like we struck oil!
151
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,236
Hand me your blankie!
152
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,438
[ Harp plays ]
153
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,072
I was messed up
for years.
154
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,841
Well, you're
a grown man now.
155
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:17,277
And anything you tell Steve
will be better than this.
156
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,079
[ Sniffs ] Mmm!
157
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,415
Still has Shannon's scent
on it.
158
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,883
So pure.
159
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,519
Well, time to crank it.
160
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,521
What the hell?!
Get out!
161
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:28,922
I know
it'll be awkward,
162
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,592
but you're at an age
where we have to talk about...
163
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:32,926
abstinence?
164
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,896
Are you...
not interested in sex?
165
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,798
It's --
It's complicated.
166
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,232
This really cool girl
167
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,268
invited me to a meeting
at the rec center tonight --
168
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,102
No time to talk!
169
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,771
To the rec center!
[ Thud ]
170
00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:50,711
Oh, dang! They got hopscotch
up in this bitch?
171
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,412
Steve!
You made it!
172
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:53,747
You must be
Steve's dad.
173
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,315
I'm Shannon's father --
Michael.
174
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:58,385
She mentioned he might come
pop his purity cherry tonight.
175
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,754
[ Laughs ] That's just
a little virgin humor.
176
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,557
They shouldn't be
the only ones having fun.
177
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:04,825
Here.
Give me your hand.
178
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,795
I'll introduce you
to everyone.
179
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,062
I brought my play!
180
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,798
Uh, you probably
don't want to read it.
181
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,132
You were just
being nice.
182
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,000
No, I'd love to.
183
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,301
You really
don't have to.
184
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,136
I honestly would love
to read it.
185
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:17,771
You know what?
Forget it.
186
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:18,972
Just give me
the damn play!
187
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,307
Okay,
I'll go get it.
188
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:21,141
Sheesh!
189
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,076
So, what is
this purity group?
190
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:26,013
Well, in these sordid times,
we fathers have a duty to serve
191
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:29,917
as the authority and protector
of our daughter's purity --
192
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,819
mind and body.
193
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,320
We set a standard
of manhood.
194
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,823
And until they marry
a man we choose,
195
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,525
they pledge themselves
to us.
196
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,594
So...it's kind of like
you're dating your own daughter?
197
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,029
It's exactly like that.
198
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,997
Only way to ensure
they grow up normal.
199
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,534
So, do you still have to
give them the sex talk?
200
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,168
[ Laughter ]
201
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,638
They can't have sex.
What's there to talk about?
202
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,172
We also get swords.
203
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,440
Shut...up!
204
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,276
They represent our role
as knights of purity.
205
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,111
[ Angelic singing ]
206
00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:00,681
So, you know, we have
study group with our dads,
207
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,049
movie night
with our dads.
208
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:05,352
Sometimes we skip the movies
and just go to the woods
209
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,454
to kind of...hang out.
[ Chuckles ]
210
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,858
So...it's kind of like
you're dating your own dad?
211
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,526
It's exactly like that!
212
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,695
Huh.
213
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,196
Well...
214
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:20,333
'bout time for me to be hittin'
the ol' dusty trail.
215
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,336
Steve. My son.
216
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,873
Will you make me the happiest
daddy in the world...
217
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,340
and date me?
218
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,976
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Say "Yes."
219
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,243
Oh, please
say "Yes," Steve.
220
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,880
If you join, we can
hang out all the time.
221
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,884
Um...okay, I guess?
222
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,518
He said "Yeeeees"!
223
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,020
[ Cheering, bell tolls ]
224
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,889
Oh! I didn't know
you guys had bells!
225
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:44,792
It's a CD.
Gary has a CD player.
226
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,364
Hey, where were you
this weekend?
227
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,767
Sorry. I was hanging out
with some new friends.
228
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,003
[ Quietly ]
I also took a purity pledge. I'm dating my dad.
229
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,370
Mertz:
A purity pledge?!
230
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,205
Aah!
231
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,373
Ohhh!
Go easy, Mertz.
232
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:01,909
No.
Steve, we're cool.
233
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:04,411
I have too much respect
for the pledge. You do?
234
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,880
I'd kill to have
that kind of self-control,
235
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,182
but I'm a slave
to my carnal appetites.
236
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:12,352
I keep waking up in beds
next to strangers.
237
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,287
I live a dark life,
Steve.
238
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:18,425
Wow. Mertz, I had no idea
you were battling such demons.
239
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,761
If you ever want to talk,
I'm here, man.
240
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,462
I-I think
I'd like that.
241
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,697
How about tomorrow?
242
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,399
Maybe...
over breakfast?
243
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,534
Right after I'm done...
244
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,536
banging your mom!
245
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,570
[ Smack ]
Oh!
246
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,339
[ Laughing ]
247
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:36,777
I'm an animal!
248
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,946
A broken, filthy animal!
249
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:41,414
[ Crying ]
250
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,984
Thank you, again,
for volunteering
251
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,919
to help me improve
my sword skills.
252
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,155
I didn't!
Please, I beg you, don't --
253
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:53,994
Okay,
that's your shoulder,
254
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:57,430
so the cucumber
should be right...here.
255
00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:58,465
[ Muffled scream ]
256
00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,432
Stan!
Huh?
257
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,969
[ Muffled sobbing,
screaming ]
258
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,679
Whoa. That is not
what I was trying to do.
259
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,280
Did you talk
to Steve yet?
260
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,115
Nope. He's joined
a purity group,
261
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,350
and now I can't give him
the talk even if I wanted to.
262
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,086
What?!
[ Muffled scream ]
263
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,322
I said, Steve is taking
a pledge of abstinence.
264
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,291
I am
his knight of chastity.
265
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,593
Also his boyfriend.
And I have a sword.
266
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,697
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have to get ready for a date with my son.
267
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,364
[ Muffled scream ]
268
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,341
Hole-in-one!
269
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:43,376
Bombs away!
270
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,345
[ Imitates farting ]
271
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,714
[ Giggles ]
272
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:50,684
* Hey, hey, you, you,
I don't like your girlfriend *
273
00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:53,854
* No way, no way,
I think you need a new one *
274
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:57,390
* Hey, hey, you, you,
I could be your girlfriend *
275
00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,659
[ Horse neighs ]
276
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,529
* Hey, hey, you, you,
I know that you like me *
277
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:05,565
* No way, no way,
you know it's not a secret *
278
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:09,903
* Hey, hey, you, you,
I want to be your girlfriend *
279
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,040
* Hey, hey
280
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,474
* I know that you like me
281
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,976
* No way
282
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,210
* No, it's not a secret
283
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,046
* Hey, hey
284
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:20,213
* I want to be your girlfriend
285
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:23,050
* No way, no way
286
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,218
* Hey, hey
287
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,855
Roger: Here?
288
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,389
Maybe here?
289
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,091
I don't know.
290
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,060
I...think
that looks right?
291
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,594
I guess.
292
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,662
Meaning we're done!
293
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,831
[ Fanfare ]
294
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,532
I can't believe
we finished!
295
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:40,567
Whoa!
296
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,402
Now, that's what
I'm talking about!
297
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,738
Um, excuse me.
Who exactly are you?
298
00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:45,739
I'm Kyle.
299
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,540
Look, uh, Kyle, was it?
300
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:51,111
We built this slide to recapture
this amazing butterfly feeling,
301
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,080
so if you could
just respect that
302
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,915
and kind of
what we're all about --
303
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,117
Suck my [bleep], losers!
304
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:02,756
[ Angelic singing ]
305
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,724
[ Crash, car alarm blaring ]
306
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,594
[ Blaring continues ]
307
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,630
Did that sound like he landed
in someone else's pool?
308
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,202
The kids love
the purity ball.
309
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,137
There's dinner
and speeches,
310
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:20,273
and it all ends in a beautiful
dance with their dads --
311
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,608
which symbolizes
their commitment
312
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:24,011
to not have sex
until marriage.
313
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,114
And not to talk
about it, either.
314
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,782
Higher.
315
00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:30,483
Higher.
316
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,584
[ Farts ]
317
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:32,986
Whoa!
[ Thud ]
318
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,589
Did you hear that guy fart
across the room?
319
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,558
[ Giggles ]
320
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,428
Steve, now that
we're finally alone,
321
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,763
can I confess
something?
322
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,566
I...wish
you were my dad.
323
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,634
W...hat?
324
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,304
You know --
so...I could date you.
325
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,639
Oh.
326
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,509
What the hell
is this?!
327
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,845
Holding hands?
328
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,479
You strumpets!
329
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,081
And what is
that smell?!
330
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,583
I-I'm -- I'm sorry!
Dad, I-I -- I don't --
331
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,185
I should have
seen this coming.
332
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,987
You've had
way too much freedom lately.
333
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,655
I'm moving you
back into my bedroom!
334
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,825
If anybody should move
into your bedroom, it's me, sir.
335
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:15,095
I made Shannon hold hands,
and I wanted more!
336
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,196
[ All gasp ]
337
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,865
We should have never
let a boy join!
338
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:18,999
He's obsessed!
339
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,934
Soiling the sanctity
of the group
340
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,802
and horning in
on our chicks!
341
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,671
Out!
Both of you!
342
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:26,806
[ Quietly ] But then
I'll have to give him the talk.
343
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,041
[ Harp plays ]
344
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,676
Jack:
Damn it, I lost my watch!
345
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,212
Get over here, son.
You've got small hands.
346
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,847
[ Harp plays ]
347
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:36,349
Wait! There must be something
we can do to stay!
348
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:40,387
There is...
one thing you can do.
349
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,890
Sex Aversion
Therapy Camp?!
350
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,658
Stan: You say that like
it's a bad thing. Try this.
351
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:48,261
[ Excitedly ]
Sex Aversion Therapy Camp!
352
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,002
Wha-- Wha--
What is this?!
353
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,037
I don't need
sex-aversion therapy!
354
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,571
[ Projector whirring ]
355
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,573
[ Slow orchestral music plays ]
That's a handsome couple.
356
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:03,176
Pretty beach.
Wonder where that is.
357
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,477
Oh. Well, now they're --
358
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,846
now they're taking it
to the bedroom.
359
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,549
Ooh. Little PG-13.
360
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,552
Ooh!
Off comes the bra!
361
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:15,055
Hmm. Maybe this --
maybe this camp isn't so bad.
362
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,223
[ Screams ]
363
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,757
Oh, gross!
364
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,894
Stop! Turn it off!
365
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,229
[ Clang ]
366
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:25,365
Sweet Jesus, have mercy!
367
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,901
Blaaaah!
368
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,836
Euggggh!
369
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:30,703
Aaagh!
370
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,339
Ohhhh! Aaagh!
371
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,574
Please, stop! Stop it!
372
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:38,745
Please, stop showing me photos
of that hideous woman!
373
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,613
Eugggggaaaaaaaaah!
374
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,351
I can't believe our slide
actually got a guy killed.
375
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,086
What if
somebody finds out?!
376
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,787
Everybody,
just be cool!
377
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:50,924
If we all did our job, no one's
going to find out anything.
378
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,460
I buried our bathing suits
and the tools.
379
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,595
[ Shakily ]
I cut Kyle's body into pieces
380
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,264
and dissolved it
in acid.
381
00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:58,598
And I have
every intention
382
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,267
of getting rid
of his board shorts.
383
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,468
Then that's
everything.
384
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,570
There's not a single
shred of evidence
385
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,272
linking us
to his death.
386
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,539
This your slide?
387
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,141
Mother[bleep].
The slide.
388
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,542
We forgot
about the slide!
389
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,878
Dirk Turlington,
waterpark detective.
390
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,414
Got a report of a man missing
after riding a waterslide.
391
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:15,915
Well, not ours!
392
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,884
This is a slide town,
guy!
393
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,387
Swing a dead Kyle,
and you'll hit one.
394
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,656
I, uh...never mentioned
the name Kyle.
395
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:26,259
These board shorts
are mine!
396
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,132
Great.
397
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,334
You folks have yourselves
a wonderful day.
398
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,469
Turlington exits.
399
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,672
Did he -- Did he just say,
"Turlington exits"?
400
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,977
And...done.
401
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,846
Again, I apologize.
That's never happened before.
402
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:48,181
Woman: Mr. Smith?
403
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:52,019
There's, uh...
my boy.
404
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,620
You, uh...
you looked tired.
405
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:55,155
Camp must have
been fun.
406
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:57,690
[ Monotone ]
Steve...pure.
407
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,959
I bet you got in a prank war
with those preppies
408
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:02,829
at the Gay Conversion Therapy
Camp across the lake!
409
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,664
[ Groans ]
410
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,135
Let's get this slide
down fast.
411
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,869
That detective
gave me the creeps.
412
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,471
Which detective?
413
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:12,639
Is the gate open?
414
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,474
It's like Grand Central
back here.
415
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,376
Forensics came back
from the lab --
416
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,711
says that Kyle's flight path
originated...
417
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:19,946
from this slide.
418
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,815
There's no way!
O-Our slide is totally safe!
419
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:25,285
Great. Then I can
close the case.
420
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,687
Right after one of you
goes down it.
421
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,356
No problem.
422
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,324
Oh, you bitch!
423
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,560
[ Wind whistling ]
424
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,797
Just gonna test the water.
425
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,232
[ Whoosh ]
426
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:45,505
Cool!
427
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:49,242
[ Shakily ] Okay,
it's...slidin' time, y'all.
428
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:51,911
[ Whoosh ]
429
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,213
[ Crackling ]
430
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,947
[ Sizzling ]
431
00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,253
He did it!
Alright, Roger!
432
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:03,223
Well, I guess
I had it all wrong.
433
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,724
Case closed.
434
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,925
Unsolved.
435
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,327
Cold as chowder.
436
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,529
I'm a cold-chowder man.
437
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,565
You can really taste the clams
that way.
438
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,567
Mmmmm.
439
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,370
Roger,
are you okay?
440
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,072
That sounded...
awful.
441
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,341
I'm cool. My hands
took the worst of it.
442
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,643
Nothing a little ice
can't fix.
443
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:31,784
[ Indistinct conversations ]
444
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,454
The beginnings of these dances
are always so awkward.
445
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,257
Girls on one side of the room,
dads on the other.
446
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:38,925
Everyone's all nervous.
447
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,894
My trick? Picture them
in their underwear.
448
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,230
Yeah, that's...
449
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,297
Uh...thanks.
450
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:45,965
Looks like
the camp went great.
451
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,202
I'm so glad
you're here.
452
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,770
[ Gags ]
453
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,038
Um...
454
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,973
do you...like my dress?
455
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,310
[ Heaving ]
456
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:02,782
Alright, fathers,
find your daughters or son,
457
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:07,620
because it's time for
the ceremonial purity dance.
458
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,956
[ Slow music plays ]
459
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,928
Hey, bud.
May I have this dance?
460
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:16,929
Okay.
461
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,632
Oh! Coming on
a little strong, son.
462
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,801
[ Muffled ] I won't feel sick
if I don't look at them.
463
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,304
You can't even
look at girls anymore?
464
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,805
Oh, my God.
465
00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:29,309
Steve, Steve, look at me!
What is this for?
466
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,610
Sweeping.
467
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,479
You don't want to hump it?
Or suck it?
468
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:34,681
[ Sobbing ] Is my baby boy
even in there?!
469
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,983
Deejay: Lot of
beautiful couples out there.
470
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,952
Lot of beautiful couples
out there!
471
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,522
This is insane!
472
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,324
Steve, I'm so sorry!
473
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:45,925
But I was
out of control.
474
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,827
No, I was the one
with the problem.
475
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,662
I was so worried
I might screw you up
476
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,431
that I got you involved
in this craziness,
477
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,132
and it screwed you up
even worse!
478
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,367
Come on, Stan.
479
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,603
Everybody's gettin' freaky
out here!
480
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,171
Enough of this.
481
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,606
Shannon,
your dad's a creep.
482
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,140
[ Sighing ]
Yeah.
483
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:04,811
Stan, what are
you doing?
484
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,013
Listen up!
These two like each other!
485
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:09,882
And they don't need us
getting in the way!
486
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,087
Step away
from the door.
487
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,124
Don't you see?
488
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,527
The more we shelter them
from sex, the harder it'll be
489
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,829
for them to make good decisions
on their own.
490
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,533
Charge!
[ All shout ]
491
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:27,967
Come on! [ Grunts ]
492
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,203
Do you really want them
learning everything about sex
493
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,571
on their wedding nights?
494
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:34,207
Steve,
I-I feel like ever since
495
00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:37,009
you came back from
the sexual-reprogramming camp,
496
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:40,079
things have been...
different between us.
497
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,481
[ Gags ]
498
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,250
Their feelings for each other
are natural!
499
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,652
We should give them
the information and the space
500
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,487
to safely explore
those feelings,
501
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,224
because they're people, and sex
is part of the human experience!
502
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,191
Aah!
503
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,926
Are you getting this, son?
504
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,229
Because I think this is me
giving you the talk.
505
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,764
Steve?
506
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,433
[ Harp plays ]
507
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,603
[ Harp plays ]
508
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,441
I think there's been
enough talk.
509
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,443
[ Both moaning,
swords clanking ]
510
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,445
Stan: I can't hold out
much longer, son!
511
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:13,946
Jump kick!
512
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,888
[ Monitor beeping,
ventilator hissing ]
513
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,256
[ Groans ]
514
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,557
Dad, you're awake!
515
00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:27,360
Is it the future?
Did we make it to Mars?
516
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,362
Are Legos affordable again?
517
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,030
Not quite, but, Dad,
518
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,433
thanks for protecting
me and Shannon back there.
519
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,101
I should have all along.
520
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,970
I put so much pressure
on having the talk,
521
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,106
but there shouldn't be
one talk.
522
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,408
It should be talks.
523
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:42,942
I may not have
every answer,
524
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:46,413
but if you have questions,
you can always ask me.
525
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,247
I do have
one question.
526
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,282
[ Slow music plays ]
527
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,484
May I have
this dance?
528
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,256
Thanks for making me
horny again, Dad.
529
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,192
And...I'm out.
530
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,163
Have a great night!
531
00:21:04,213 --> 00:21:08,763
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