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1
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Betrayed... by my own daughter.
2
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,405
It's a free country.
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,540
You know I forbade anyone in this family
4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,609
from ever eating at O'Shanahan's again,
5
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,811
ever since they cut me
off in the middle of
6
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,813
"All You Can Eat Wings" night.
7
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,281
It was for your own safety.
8
00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:17,750
You vomited twice and were having
9
00:00:17,752 --> 00:00:20,619
- severe heart palpitations.
- I didn't feel full!
10
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:23,288
The point is,
you broke a promise to your family.
11
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,223
Family always comes first, Haley.
12
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:28,293
[Sighs] I need something to
soothe my jangled nerves.
13
00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:30,562
Steve, how about you put a
smile on your old man's face
14
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:31,896
and do the "Backseat Shuffle"?
15
00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,832
- [Vocalizing]
- Aw, come on.
16
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,433
Get yourself out of that seat belt
17
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:36,701
so you can really give those shoulders
18
00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:39,171
- room to shimmy.
- [Vocalizing]
19
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,705
There we go.
20
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,508
? Sh-Sh-Shake shake shimmy a-slippin'
and slidin' ?
21
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,377
- ? Oh, I just gotta get my groove on ?
- That's it now.
22
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,979
? When I'm in the backseat ridin' ?
23
00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:48,713
- ? I shimmy to the left ?
- All right!
24
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,315
- ? I shimmy to the right! ?
- "Backseat Shuffle"!
25
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,317
? I'm rockin' the upholstery
almost every single... ?
26
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,319
- [Gasps]
- [Tires screech]
27
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,921
[Car door shuts]
28
00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,056
How?!
29
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,792
How could we have let this happen?!
30
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:01,994
What's the big deal?
It's just some dumb old mural.
31
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,395
- Wha...
- Whoa.
32
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,197
I-I feel a little...
I feel a little woozy.
33
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:08,266
This mural has been a
Langley Falls institution
34
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:09,534
since 1982...
35
00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:11,136
I'm just gonna... rest my head
36
00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:13,338
on this bit of filth
here on the concrete.
37
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,874
...depicting a pantheon
of great Americans...
38
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:20,412
Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan,
Jesus, Nolan Ryan,
39
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,814
Schneider from "One Day at a Time,"
40
00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:25,950
in celebration of loyalty,
integrity, and honesty...
41
00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:29,554
three virtues that can be
summed up in one simple word,
42
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:31,089
"loyntegresty."
43
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,826
A trait you clearly don't have.
44
00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:35,694
That's it... At this very moment,
45
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,430
one thing and one thing only matters...
46
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,433
this mural must be restored.
47
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:46,971
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
48
00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:50,709
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
49
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,912
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
50
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:58,484
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
51
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:03,588
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
52
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:06,124
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
53
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,326
Aah!
54
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,596
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
55
00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:14,066
- [Birds chirping]
- _
56
00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:15,600
Don't you need to sign up to speak
57
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:17,001
- at the Town Council meeting?
- Me?
58
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:20,138
No, I'm very well-known
in this community.
59
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:23,075
Hey, it's that guy who pooped
his pants at O'Shanahan's!
60
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:24,609
[Tink!]
61
00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:27,079
Fellow citizens,
have any of you driven down
62
00:02:27,081 --> 00:02:30,014
Old Chickasaw Road recently...
probably not.
63
00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:32,217
Ever since they shut down
that White Castle where
64
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:34,086
all those Jehovah's
Witnesses got murdered,
65
00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:35,888
there hasn't been much reason to.
66
00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:38,557
But if you had, you would've seen...
67
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,092
- this!
- [Crowd gasps]
68
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:43,695
Our town's most cherished
landmark sullied,
69
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,497
violated, raped.
70
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,832
Okay, okay, too far.
Maybe... Maybe not raped.
71
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,434
But definitely molested.
72
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,836
That mural is our greatest treasure,
73
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,506
a clarion call in brush and hue
74
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:57,576
to aspire to our better selves.
75
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,978
It's where I got my first handy J!
76
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,714
Our love of the mural
has been reignited!
77
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,384
[Crowd chanting "Mural!"]
78
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:08,253
But loving the mural is not enough.
79
00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:10,789
Unless it's restored, future generations
80
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,991
will be denied its
message of loyntegresty
81
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,595
and go astray...
like my very own daughter.
82
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:17,796
[All gasp]
83
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,731
This is why you brought me here?
84
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,533
Look, if we're gonna restore the mural,
85
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,067
maybe we could add some diversity,
86
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:26,070
like, say, replace Schneider
with Harriet Tubman?
87
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:28,206
Did Harriet Tubman sign autographs
88
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,609
for 15 minutes at Panini Barn?
89
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,876
This...
90
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,012
this is why I'm proposing the creation
91
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,080
of a mural-restoration task force,
92
00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,751
a team of our city's finest
artists and craftsmen,
93
00:03:38,753 --> 00:03:41,085
to be led by... me,
94
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,956
the man who crapped
himself at O'Shanahan's.
95
00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:46,992
[All chanting "Stan Smith!"]
96
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,764
Did you ever think you'd
have a son who'd be
97
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,432
going to one of the most exclusive
98
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:58,637
nonsegregated clowning academies
on the Atlantic seaboard?
99
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,639
No. No, I did not.
100
00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:01,840
Mwah!
101
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,108
[Inhales deeply]
102
00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:07,445
[Imitates gunshot]
103
00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:09,848
[Balls squeaking]
104
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,050
The teacher here is supposed
to be the most intense
105
00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:14,586
and demanding instructor
in all of clowning and...
106
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:17,189
Shit. It's Roger, isn't it?
It's gonna be Roger.
107
00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:19,924
All right, jagoffs,
the name's H.G. Rimmons.
108
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,926
Look to your left. Look to your right.
109
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,328
By the end of the semester,
110
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:26,130
60% of you will be
dead by your own hand.
111
00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:28,533
The rest will be clowns, ya dig?
112
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,402
Okay, I'm out of here.
113
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,470
Huh.
114
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,805
I'm... I'm a little confused.
115
00:04:32,807 --> 00:04:35,540
Because you said here
on your application
116
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:36,675
you wanted to be a clown.
117
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:37,942
More than anything.
118
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,277
So what's your "gooch"?
119
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,013
Gooch is "horncorn" for clown name.
120
00:04:41,015 --> 00:04:43,081
Horncorn is horncorn for clown lingo.
121
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:46,084
Gonna be honkin'
a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig?
122
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,752
So, what's your gooch, kid?
123
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,287
- Dimples.
- Dimples?
124
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,223
Pretty "buckety" gooch, don't ya think?
125
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:52,957
More horncorn. [Chuckles] Relax.
126
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,092
Just sliding your whistle.
127
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,227
Why don't you show us what you got.
128
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:56,961
I... Uh...
129
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,831
Come on, man... No pressure.
130
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:00,899
Just lay a little jape on these cats.
131
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,567
Whatever you got. No big.
132
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:07,305
[Julius Fucik's
"Entry of the Gladiators" plays]
133
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,174
[Squeaking]
134
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,509
[Farts]
135
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,777
Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too.
136
00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:14,513
Ladies and gentlemen,
we could be looking
137
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,849
at the next Emmett Kelly...
138
00:05:16,851 --> 00:05:19,117
- ...of sucking!
- Ohh.
139
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,119
That's right,
you nut-lickin' little turds.
140
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,521
I ain't here to hold your hands.
141
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:23,922
I'm here to play mind games
142
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,991
and emotionally abuse
you into being clowns.
143
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,060
- [Ball squeaks]
- Ohh.
144
00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:30,795
That's clowning, you shitheads!
145
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:33,331
[Whistling pleasantly]
146
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,399
Hey, Dad.
147
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,068
Where's the rest of the task force?
148
00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:38,403
We had our team-building
dinner at Benihana's.
149
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:40,405
Blew the whole budget.
Had to let them go.
150
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,274
You know, got to admit, it's pretty cool
151
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:44,008
you're doing something
for the community.
152
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,544
[Tires screech, horn honks]
153
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,880
This town owes you one, Stan!
154
00:05:47,882 --> 00:05:49,147
Yeah!
155
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:52,350
[Tires squeal]
156
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,419
Well, I guess I'll let you get to it.
157
00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:55,988
Good luck, Dad.
158
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:00,825
All right,
let's start by getting the grime
159
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,627
off the old cheeks.
160
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:03,828
Dad, dab, dab. Oh, nope.
161
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,297
Smudging just a little bit.
162
00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:07,700
No problem, no problem.
Just need to even it out.
163
00:06:07,702 --> 00:06:09,367
Easy. Easy.
164
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,169
Okay, now that's really
starting to smear.
165
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,972
Well, I can just freehand
that jawline back into shape.
166
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:19,177
Hmm. Might as well really
get in there with some 409,
167
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:20,379
then, and...
168
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:23,982
There goes the face.
169
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,250
That's okay, that's okay.
170
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,051
Got to get worse before it gets better.
171
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,588
Let's get the old Brillo
Pad in on the action.
172
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,989
- [Scraping]
- Okay.
173
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,726
Think we're getting back on track now.
174
00:06:33,728 --> 00:06:37,730
- [Dramatic music plays]
- _
175
00:06:37,732 --> 00:06:39,998
[Indistinct talking]
176
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,134
Dad, you look nervous.
177
00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:44,202
Did everything turn out
okay with the mural?
178
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,470
What? Yeah.
179
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,205
[High-pitched] I-I mean, yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
180
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:50,075
I think... I mean, sure.
Yeah, turned out great. Why?
181
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,076
[Extremely high-pitched] I mean,
definitely.
182
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,345
Without any further ado,
183
00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:58,817
I give you your fully-restored mural!
184
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,084
[All gasp]
185
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,054
[Indistinct conversations]
186
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,297
How could you have done this, Stan?!
187
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:15,968
[Crowd booing]
188
00:07:15,970 --> 00:07:18,236
But Stan loved that mural.
189
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,839
It was his daughter who had it out
190
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,907
- for Schneider.
- What?!
191
00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:25,443
Stan did say she lacked loyntegresty.
192
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,446
I bet she did this...
for hippie reasons!
193
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,714
Yeah!
194
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:31,115
- [Crowd booing]
- Dad!
195
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,318
Stand up for me!
Tell them I didn't do it!
196
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,258
Dad!
197
00:07:43,398 --> 00:07:44,898
_
198
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,965
[Singsong voice] Haley?
199
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,700
Sugar blossom?
200
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,302
Pumpkin dumpling?
201
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,504
Daddy's little sugar-frosted
raspberry maple fritter?
202
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,838
Leave me alone!
203
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,974
The whole town hates me because you lied
204
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,577
to cover up for your own stupid mistake!
205
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,645
[Normal voice] [Sighs] That's true.
206
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:04,048
And I know what it'll
take to make things right.
207
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,784
Stan: Ice cream.
208
00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:08,921
[All booing]
209
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,522
I want to fight ya!
210
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,457
Come on, fight me!
211
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:13,992
Fight me!
212
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,193
I didn't do it.
213
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,929
Dad, tell them the truth.
214
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:19,331
The truth?
215
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:22,534
This is the best damn ice
cream in the tri-county area!
216
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,002
[All cheering]
217
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,005
I can hold the hero up all by myself!
218
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,206
[Cheering continues]
219
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:31,075
[Muffled] I'm country strong!
220
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:35,347
[Up-tempo circus music plays]
221
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,150
[Burps]
222
00:08:38,152 --> 00:08:39,551
[Fabric rips]
223
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,754
[Farts]
224
00:08:41,756 --> 00:08:43,421
Well, kid...
225
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,357
- you suck...
- Mm.
226
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,826
...ceded beautifully...
227
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,694
- Mm?
- ...at being God awful...
228
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:54,032
- Mm.
- ...is the opposite of what I think.
229
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,900
Psych! You stink, and I hate you.
230
00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:58,236
- [Ball squeaks]
- Now, get this through your skull, man,
231
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,571
'cause I don't play mind games.
232
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,174
You will never be a clown.
233
00:09:02,176 --> 00:09:05,177
You got potential, kid,
and you can't teach that.
234
00:09:05,179 --> 00:09:06,244
You know what?
235
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,980
I host a little retreat every summer
236
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:09,381
at my house on Block Island
237
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,984
for just a handful of my
most promising students.
238
00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:13,251
No real structure.
239
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,919
We just honk a little buffoonery,
240
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:17,456
lay some japes, blow each other...
you know, clown stuff.
241
00:09:17,458 --> 00:09:19,524
- And I think you could make the cut.
- Really?
242
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,795
If you push yourself
to the absolute limit.
243
00:09:22,797 --> 00:09:24,663
[Upbeat music plays, babbling]
244
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:27,065
Uhp, I got to take this.
It's my "aclowntant."
245
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,400
You know, a clown accountant?
246
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,135
He's got this giant calculator
247
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,136
that only ever adds up to "boobs."
248
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:33,271
Pretty funny, but, frankly,
249
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,374
I think he's been stealing from me.
250
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,611
Now, I know you're still upset.
251
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:43,015
I can't even show my face
in this town anymore!
252
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,282
Well, I've taken care of that.
253
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,818
[Gasps] You confessed to the town that
254
00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:47,419
you were the one who ruined the mural?
255
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:50,889
Better...
I've converted the garage into...
256
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,424
"Haley's Hideaway."
257
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:54,026
Now you'll never have
to leave the house...
258
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,093
or want to.
259
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,695
Dad, this is the single worst...
260
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,030
When you're not racking up high scores
261
00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,098
on your sweet "Sopranos"
pinball machine,
262
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,634
you can groove to some hot
tunes on your top-of-the-line
263
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,838
Sanyo boom box... with MegaBass.
264
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,039
You still like Warrant, right?
265
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,640
I don't recall ever having...
266
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,376
- ? She's my cherry pie ?
- Dad!
267
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,978
? Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ?
268
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,313
[Distorted, slightly louder]
? Tastes so good, make... ?
269
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,049
[Crying] How could you be so selfish?!
270
00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:18,783
? Sweet cherry pie ?
271
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:19,852
Oh, yeah!
272
00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:22,254
? She's my cherry pie ?
273
00:10:22,256 --> 00:10:26,191
[Up-tempo drums play]
274
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,567
[Balloon squeaking]
275
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,002
[Sloop!]
276
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:38,937
[Balloon squeaks]
277
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:45,277
??
278
00:10:45,279 --> 00:10:48,680
- [Screaming]
- [Nose honking]
279
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:54,086
??
280
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,153
- Aah!
- [Bones cracking]
281
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,821
[Groans]
282
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,490
Well, kid, you did it.
283
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:01,693
You pushed yourself
to the absolute limit.
284
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,228
So, when's the retreat?
285
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,297
Ha! You were never going on the retreat.
286
00:11:05,299 --> 00:11:08,032
I was just using you
to motivate Gumdrop.
287
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:09,834
Gumdrop, you really got my attention
288
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,503
when you made that banana disappear.
289
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:12,705
[Nose honks]
290
00:11:12,707 --> 00:11:15,373
Hello,
is this the North American Federation
291
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,642
- of Clowning Academics?
- [ Nose honks]
292
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:20,379
Well, I'd like to file a report.
293
00:11:20,381 --> 00:11:24,048
An instructor, uh... well, he...
294
00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:25,984
he hit me!
295
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,520
Man: Wah-wah!
296
00:11:30,391 --> 00:11:33,525
Haley, honey, you were right.
297
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:36,128
It's time I finally did
the one simple thing
298
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,996
I should've done from
the very beginning and...
299
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:41,065
Ether says what?!
300
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,601
Don't worry, baby girl.
301
00:11:42,603 --> 00:11:45,337
You'll be able to show
your face again...
302
00:11:45,339 --> 00:11:47,373
once you have a new face.
303
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:03,221
I've seen Dr. Weitzman do
this tons of times at work.
304
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,090
How hard can it be? All right.
305
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,492
Let's start by reshaping the old eyes.
306
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,827
- Tap, tap, tap.
- [Squirt!]
307
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,429
Oop, oop. Eyeball's bulging just a bit.
308
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,698
No problem, no problem.
Just need to even it out.
309
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,434
Easy. Easy.
310
00:12:15,436 --> 00:12:18,637
- [Pop!]
- Okay, that one really came out.
311
00:12:18,639 --> 00:12:20,172
Well, might as well really get in there
312
00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:22,374
with a scalpel then and...
313
00:12:22,376 --> 00:12:23,575
There goes the face.
314
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:24,909
That's okay. That's okay.
315
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,845
Got to get worse before it gets better.
316
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,381
Let's get the old Brillo
Pad in on the action.
317
00:12:29,383 --> 00:12:31,583
- [Scraping]
- Okay!
318
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,852
Think we're getting back on track now.
319
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,421
[Pinball machine dinging]
320
00:12:36,791 --> 00:12:39,057
[Hayley screams]
321
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,325
[Sour chord plays]
322
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:43,195
[Muffled] You made me a monster!
323
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:45,263
Oh, it... it's not that bad.
324
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,800
All you need is... the right hat.
325
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:53,138
Is that Eva Marie Saint
standing in my garage?!
326
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:56,208
[Screaming]
327
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,477
How could you do this to me?!
328
00:12:58,479 --> 00:13:01,013
I-I need to get away from this town.
329
00:13:01,015 --> 00:13:03,748
I need to get away from you!
330
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,083
Aaaaaaaah!
331
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,751
[Tires screech]
332
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:07,752
Haley!
333
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:09,488
- You shouldn't drive!
- [Tires squeal]
334
00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:11,824
You're acting all crazy!
335
00:13:11,826 --> 00:13:12,825
Aah!
336
00:13:12,827 --> 00:13:16,561
[Horn blares]
337
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,497
Damn it, O'Shanahan's!
338
00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:20,699
I just fixed her face!
339
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:28,140
- I'm afraid Haley is in what we call a "super coma."
- [Monitor beeping]
340
00:13:28,142 --> 00:13:31,677
But at least she's not in any pain,
right?
341
00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:33,145
Oh, quite to the contrary.
342
00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:35,080
The only part of her brain
that's still functioning
343
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,614
are the pain receptors,
344
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,817
leaving her in a perpetual
state of searing agony.
345
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,419
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to take a doctor poop
346
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,488
in the doctor bathroom.
347
00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:43,955
[Monitor continues]
348
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:50,762
??
349
00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:52,364
[Sighs]
350
00:13:52,366 --> 00:13:54,232
- Wassup?!
- [Gasps]
351
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:58,370
You may have them fooled,
"doctor," but not me.
352
00:13:58,372 --> 00:13:59,971
[Sighs] Fine.
353
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,173
It's me, Haley.
354
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:02,440
[Dramatic chord plays]
355
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,442
What?! I thought you were a nurse
356
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,378
trying to pass yourself off as a doctor!
357
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:07,779
How can this be?
358
00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:10,582
When I saw what my dad
had done to my face,
359
00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:11,917
it was the final straw.
360
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:16,321
I became consumed by one
goal and one goal only...
361
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,723
revenge.
362
00:14:17,725 --> 00:14:20,258
So I pretended to drive off in hysterics
363
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:22,327
and faked my accident.
364
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:25,397
Then it was just a matter
of blackmailing Dr. Weitzman
365
00:14:25,399 --> 00:14:28,333
into actually reconstructing my face...
366
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,136
[Ominous music plays]
367
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:35,140
...and recruiting Jeff to play
the part of poor comatose Haley.
368
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:39,211
Now I'll have a front-row
seat to watch my dad suffer,
369
00:14:39,213 --> 00:14:42,013
wracked with guilt as I
describe to him every day
370
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:45,951
just how much pain his
darling daughter is in.
371
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,886
You will keep my secret, right, Klaus?
372
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:52,290
Absolutely.
I, too, desire to see Stan suffer.
373
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,292
You see, just last week,
374
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:58,430
I asked him if he'd give me
notes on my comic-strip idea.
375
00:14:58,432 --> 00:15:01,833
And you know what he said to me?
376
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,435
Well, I have to go to work right now,
377
00:15:03,437 --> 00:15:06,171
but I'd be happy to take a look later.
378
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:09,375
[Ominous music plays]
379
00:15:09,377 --> 00:15:11,709
Happy to take a look later?!
380
00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:14,512
Revenge will be ours!
381
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,782
[Both laugh manically]
382
00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:20,586
Wh-Where's he going?
383
00:15:20,588 --> 00:15:22,854
He's not feeling guilty at all.
384
00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:26,324
He's back at work on that stupid mural!
385
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:29,795
Klaus: And he's hired Langley's
most accomplished artist,
386
00:15:29,797 --> 00:15:32,931
the guy who paints the
frescos at Olive Garden.
387
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:35,801
Looks like the grand
unveiling is this Saturday.
388
00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:39,871
That's the way to make him suffer.
389
00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:42,608
We'll blow up the
mural at the unveiling.
390
00:15:42,610 --> 00:15:44,142
He'll be devastated.
391
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:47,078
And revenge will, at last, be mine!
392
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,948
Wait, Klaus.
Where did you get those binoculars?
393
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:53,018
Are those Ashlyn's binoculars,
my old American Girl doll?
394
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:55,487
She can lend her stuff
to whoever she wants!
395
00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:56,955
[Slurps]
396
00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:59,157
Dr. Montacristo,
what are you doing here?
397
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:02,694
Oh, you might say I have
a great personal interest
398
00:16:02,696 --> 00:16:05,163
- in the fate of this mural.
- Okay.
399
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:10,235
The unveiling's sure to
be an explosive event.
400
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,503
[Slurps] Yep.
401
00:16:11,505 --> 00:16:12,838
Hey, hon.
402
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,441
I brought you some
chicken soup for lunch.
403
00:16:15,443 --> 00:16:17,909
Oh. Dr. Montacristo.
404
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:19,645
[Unenthused] Would you like some, too?
405
00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:23,581
Actually, Mrs. Smith, I prefer gazpacho,
406
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:28,787
a dish, like revenge, best served cold.
407
00:16:28,789 --> 00:16:32,190
[Laughs manically]
408
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,660
[Laughter]
409
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,800
- [Laughter stops]
- All right. I'm out.
410
00:16:41,802 --> 00:16:44,069
- [Horns honking in distance]
- _
411
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,472
- [Indistinct conversations]
- If everyone would please have a seat,
412
00:16:46,474 --> 00:16:48,340
we can begin the proceedings.
413
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:53,211
[Julius Fucik's
"Entry of the Gladiators" plays]
414
00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:55,481
Aaaaaah!
415
00:16:55,483 --> 00:16:58,083
[Trombone playing discordantly]
416
00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,151
Okay.
417
00:16:59,153 --> 00:17:00,752
Everybody...
418
00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:02,287
We don't have all day.
419
00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:05,557
[Boing!]
420
00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:06,725
[Sloop!]
421
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,628
- [Slump!]
- [Clucking]
422
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,430
Gentlemen!
423
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:16,368
If you don't stop doing bits,
we'll never get out of here.
424
00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:18,236
Now, Mr. Rimmons,
425
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,371
this isn't the first time
426
00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:21,306
you've been accused
of hitting a student.
427
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:25,110
But it is the first time
I didn't actually do it.
428
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,778
May I retract that statement?
429
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:29,381
You're hereby stripped of
your clown-teaching license.
430
00:17:30,070 --> 00:17:31,917
Looks like you won, kid.
431
00:17:35,856 --> 00:17:37,723
Ahem.
432
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,594
Meeting adjourned.
433
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,262
[Boing!]
434
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,663
[Giggles]
435
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:50,001
- [Dramatic music plays]
- _
436
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:51,469
Fellow citizens,
437
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:54,740
it's time this whole mural
fiasco was made right.
438
00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:57,075
Okay, on my mark.
439
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,276
Three...
440
00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,677
So, at long last...
441
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:00,678
...two...
442
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,480
...I finally give to you...
443
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,415
...one...
444
00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:05,683
...my confession.
445
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:06,818
[All gasp]
446
00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:07,886
Wait! Abort, abort!
447
00:18:07,888 --> 00:18:11,156
Goofus McDoof sends his regards!
448
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,558
Aah!
449
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,627
Yes, it was me, not Hayley,
who ruined the mural.
450
00:18:15,629 --> 00:18:19,030
I was so scared of losing my
status as a hero to all of you
451
00:18:19,032 --> 00:18:21,367
that I betrayed my own daughter.
452
00:18:21,369 --> 00:18:24,436
But then I saw her in that coma,
and ever since,
453
00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:27,039
my only hope has been that
this monumental confession
454
00:18:27,041 --> 00:18:29,575
might somehow reach through to her
455
00:18:29,577 --> 00:18:31,643
and bring her back to me.
456
00:18:31,645 --> 00:18:33,511
??
457
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:36,248
[Crowd booing, shouting]
458
00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:40,919
See what your dad did, honey?
459
00:18:40,921 --> 00:18:43,055
Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.
460
00:18:43,057 --> 00:18:44,390
Mrs. Smith, if you don't mind,
461
00:18:44,392 --> 00:18:46,658
I need to re-catheterize
your daughter's penis.
462
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:48,227
Sure, sure, whatever.
463
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:52,464
Oh, Daddy!
464
00:18:52,466 --> 00:18:53,665
Still got it.
465
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:55,934
No, Dad. It's me, Hayley.
466
00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:58,270
Hayley? Baby girl! You're all right!
467
00:18:58,272 --> 00:19:00,872
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Can you ever forgive me?
468
00:19:00,874 --> 00:19:03,541
Hey, what you did up there...
469
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,877
showed a lot of loyntegresty.
470
00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:07,679
So I don't think people need to see
471
00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:09,281
a monument to your eternal shame
472
00:19:09,283 --> 00:19:11,984
every time they drive
down Old Chickasaw Road.
473
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,224
Why?
474
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:22,761
Why would anyone want
to destroy my AutoZone?
475
00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:27,299
[Sobbing]
476
00:19:27,301 --> 00:19:30,302
So, you think you'll end up
getting your old face back?
477
00:19:30,304 --> 00:19:33,439
I dunno. Probably.
478
00:19:33,441 --> 00:19:35,374
- [Birds chirping]
- _
479
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,375
_
480
00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:38,243
And, remember, ladies and gentlemen,
481
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,980
Belljar papers are due Friday...
no exceptions.
482
00:19:41,982 --> 00:19:43,381
Jenna, that means you.
483
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:44,516
[Laughter]
484
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:47,185
Hey, babe,
should be home in about 10 minutes.
485
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,054
[Gasps]
486
00:19:49,056 --> 00:19:51,389
You know what? Make it 20.
487
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:54,793
I got to say hi to... an old friend.
488
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:05,270
[Wind gusts]
489
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,604
- [Growls]
- Aah!
490
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,006
[Raspy] That's right.
491
00:20:08,008 --> 00:20:11,409
I've returned...
as an It-style evil clown
492
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:14,412
named "Gladhandz,"
thirsting for revenge.
493
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,947
[Normal voice] That's Gladhandz
with a "Z."
494
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,483
[Raspy] I'll haunt your every dream
495
00:20:17,485 --> 00:20:20,686
until, finally,
I lure you into the depths of the sewer
496
00:20:20,688 --> 00:20:22,287
and to your doom.
497
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,622
Uh-huh,
and how are you gonna do that, then?
498
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,024
[Normal voice] Um...
499
00:20:26,026 --> 00:20:28,426
Get in the sewer! [Sighs]
500
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:31,229
I-I'll level with you, Steve.
I didn't think this through.
501
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:32,964
I caught wind on LinkedIn
502
00:20:32,966 --> 00:20:34,632
of how well you were doing out here,
503
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,101
and I-I guess I just kind of lost it.
504
00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:38,704
Next thing you know,
I'm filing my teeth down to points
505
00:20:38,706 --> 00:20:40,238
and climbing into a sewer drain.
506
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,639
I'll be straight with you, Steve.
507
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:42,841
I need your help...
508
00:20:42,843 --> 00:20:44,776
both financially and just, you know,
509
00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:46,111
to get out of the sewer.
510
00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,514
How long ago did he walk away?
511
00:20:48,516 --> 00:20:50,248
Oh, quite a while ago.
512
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,585
Then you shall inherit
the curse of Gladhandz!
513
00:20:53,587 --> 00:20:55,854
[Grunting]
514
00:20:55,856 --> 00:20:58,656
[Raspy] You'll never be free of me!
515
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,693
Bye! Have a great time!
516
00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:02,694
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
517
00:21:02,744 --> 00:21:07,294
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